President of Angry Fetuses Rick Santorum announced on teevee this morning that he is also running for President of the United States. Watch out, Mittens! Santorum went on ABC News and stood in front of an empty building to deliver his message, which is about as exciting as you would imagine. Does he know how these things work? You have to tell everyone beforehand. Has Rick Santorum heard of e-mail? No, he only communicates with the aborted children in his imagination, his only real fans. Is he talking to them right now? Is that why Santorum continually refers to himself in the plural? Let’s watch this sad/hilarious video.
“We’re ready to announce that we’re going to be in this race. We’re in it to win and we’re very excited about, you know, what the — what the future holds. We’ve got a great, uh, a great team in the early primary states, we’ve got a lot of momentum.”
Does he know that there is no one else standing there? Are they his invisible aborted friends? These are Rick Santorum’s real constituents. [ABC News]
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I'm offering 4-1 odds that Ricky is a furry. Anyone who obsesses with "man on dog" sex is a good bet to have a special costume hanging in the back of his closet. Rick "Animal Lover" Santorum: the frothy new face of the Republican party.
Maybe that's why his daughter was crying. "Show us on the bear where daddy touched your bear."
Those balloons look kind of like dicks.
Always thinking about something to eat!……Just kidding
Do you mean the red, white & blue balloons in the background, or the suit-wearing balloon in front of the camera?
YES!!!
Is it me or do some of those balloons have ribs?
For nobody's pleasure.
And they look like they are going somewhere to hide away for a while. Don't blame them.
I bet he spent all night blowing….blowing them up.
So does the candidate.
Well, think about it…you do need dicks to promote santorum, don't you? On the other hand, Rick is both a dick and an asshole, so his self-promotion abilities are limitless.
If Santorum is both dick AND asshole, it should be possible for him to fuck himself into non-existence. Perhaps this candidacy is an experiment for that.
I see that one of them committed suicide rather than stay on camera with the guy. It was a white one, too … that can't be a good sign.
Can you state that with certitude?
Santorumania has begun. Don't everybody have a public abortion just yet.
"A chicken in every pot, a moist towlette in every pocket" (for cleaning off the santorum).
"A chicken in every pot, a moist towelette in every pocket"
(for cleaning off the santorum).
Really whipped that crowd into a froth.
"Party favorite?" of what party? The pity party?
More like a party favor.
(A worthless piece of crap that you throw away at the first opportunity.)
Santorum – Bachmann?
Santorum – Palin?
Palin – Pawlenty?
Bachmann – oh who cares?
Any/Don't Matter 2012!!
E) None of the above 2012
Whoever it is, it's gonna pretty much be Goldwater/Miller 1964.
If that means Crying Daughter turns out to be Stephanie, I'm OK with it.
Without the occasional honesty.
Paul/Paul 2012!
The narrative would be adorable. Father/son, who's the top of the ticket? Start the 'reality' series now.
Make it heartwarming, throw in a few guest shots from Snooki and Dog the Bounty Hunter and whoever won Top Chef/Project Runway, and US O'Merkah would totally buy this.
Only if one of the Pauls had, say, half as much charisma as Dog TBH, Snooki, or whatever chef guy they've got. Which alas, they lack.
Whatever….I predict they'll be known as "Loser/Vice-Loser" in 17 months.
He certainly will sew up the frothy amalgam vote.
oh shi-
Oozing towards Bethlehem.
"we’re very excited about, you know, what the — what the future holds."
So'm I, only on the fearful side, because of the inevitibility of dickheads fucking shit up.
And what do you get when you fuck shit?
Buttsechs By-Product 2012!
Now if only we could do the same thing for Palin.
She's doing a good job of it herself, making the Palin name synonymous with moron.
Palin (gerund): The process of turning facts into unrecognizable babble.
Also, turning lies/inanities into unrecognizable babble.
So Palin = a rambling ret@rd (downs optional) who manages to turn facts, lies and everything else into unrecognizable babble.
Someone who knows more than me (and Palin), googlebomb this!
Nice "team" you got there Ricky… "The team couldn't be here today because… well… they had to go to school."
Thank God!
home skoal or gtfo!
Jaysus, that bunch of kids. You know Daddy will want them to go to Catholic colleges but institutions like Georgetown and Notre Dame wouldn't take this bunch if the family donated $100 million for each of them. They have to either go with a Fundy "school" like Oral Roberts or Liberty, or throw themselves on the mercy of an admissions department at a small, largely unknown Catholic school with a long history of significant charitable works.
Bob Jones or GTFO
They were warned by Lou $arah.
There are shots you can take for running Santorum.
Patrón works especially well for that problem.
I thought that was what butt plugs were for.
Santorum Announces Candidacy To Crowd of Invisible Supporters
So he announced at the Romney Farm?
He had to keep the announcement location secret. He didn't want to be run over by Snowbilly's bus ala poor Mittens.
Yeah. What's the name of Romney's farm again… "Bittersweet Despair"? "Sarah's Vineyard"?
"Ennui Lassitude"
It looks like he kept it secret from his supporters, too.
But all his supporters were there!
That pressure is building up below, swelling to a bubbling mass, sticking to the American public like a white paste. It is…Santoromentum!
Wow, Santorum has so little chance of winning that he couldn't book anyone besides GMA for his announcement? That's sad. The only thing worse would be if Tim Pawlenty announces he's running on the Piers Morgan show.
I don't really understand how Piers Morgan got a "news" show. I never heard of him until that talent show-and I only saw that because of the You Tubes of Susan- whatever her name was.
It's a mystery. I saw him interview Ricky Gervais after he hosted the Golden Globes and made fun of many of the attendees as a comedian/host might be expected to do. Morgan kept pressing Gervais to say he had crossed the line with a few people and insinuating that he had offended people but was completely unable to name anyone specifically. He's just not able to evoke interesting ideas out of his subjects either — it's like being interviewed by a slow, boring, uptight great-aunt.
Needs more crying daughter.
Rick Santorum, now sponsored by KY Intense Jelly.
"I dream of things that never were, and ask KY not."
He's about as exciting as a mayonnaise and white bread sandwich.
Who's that pouty kid up there in the little pic? Is that his daughter? Is she crying because she wasn't aborted? Or maybe because she wants one of those aborted fetuses in a jar? Or maybe just crying because all the kids at school call her Frothy Lube?
I love to hate that freakin' picture… when I first saw it I thought it was from an SNL sketch. Between her and the brainwashed ones in back… one happy fuckin' place that home is huh? Poor kids.
Those kids don't go to school. They go to skool at hom.
oh how I luvs you OkieDog!
I'm putting another toilet planter in the front yard and naming it "Ricky."
Yes to that.
The mister and I need to replace the last of several old thrones. Wish I could put it out front with a "Sarah's History Repository" nameplate (damn convenants).
But is the lube OK for plants?
I LOVE those toilet planters, how can I get me one?
"If you would like to support my campaign, just google my name!"
Or try it on Craigs List.
Today, we are all googling Santorum.
Today we are all Santorum!
I think the bursting ballon at 3:09 is an apt poetic metaphor of this sad campaign.
Ha ha. It's bad when watching the woman fixing the balloon decorations was more interesting than anything Ricky was babbling about.
I would pay $5000 retroactively to have seen Ricky dive to the ground shrieking like a little girl, with someone in the background screaming "GUN GUN" when that balloon popped. DAMMMITSOMUCH
His bubble burst even before it was formed.
Let his froth-based initiatives flow like wine!11!!
What the hell is up with his new poofy hair? It does NOT help.
Is he campaigning for Paul Ryan or himself?
Stole his campaign theme from Disney's High School Musical (or one of the other urpy peppy movies-they all bland together like the G.O.P.). He'll come in 9th in Iowa after "Dorcas the Cow."
There's no way I'm watching this dumb clod be embarrassing for four and a half solid minutes. I'm at work and I don't want to subject my poor, unsuspecting colleagues to the hazardous levels of stupid falling insensibly from this man's mouth.
For another thing, I don't give a damn about this dumb fuckface.
So now we have Mittens, assholes and assjuice in the race…where is the dildo?
Rudy Giuliani?
A Bore Man, a Mormon, and Santorum.
Or T-Paw, Mittens, and Santorum Hands.
Fred Thompson and his truck?
Dear Rick:
May I suggest this as your campaign theme song?
You're welcome.
EQ
LOL
I'm going to have that song stuck in my head the rest of the day.
Now I have to watch everything Storm Large has ever done. I actually have things to do today that will not be done until I have seen all of it at least twice.
Thanks.
"we’re very excited about, you know, what the — what the future holds."
The future holds pictures of your children crying in public when you throw in the towel on another failed election bid.
Santorum! It's a floor wax AND a dessert topping!
He's a fiscal conservative for sure. After all, he won't even pay some hobos to hold the flags in the background.
News from the future: President Rick Santorum sent Seal Taam Six to attack a Planned Parenthood office in Sacramento today. He proclaimed the mission a success, saying "We will not rest until terrorism of family planning is but a memory." Supreme Court Justice Ginny Thomas said the President's actions were "110% Constitutional".
Vice President Camacho and Attorney General Sarah Palin agreed, and jointly² announced a bounty on Planned Parenthood workers.
² They were sharing a joint.
~
All the GOOPER primary/clownshow needs now is the Quitter™.
P.S. Somebody's got to link this.
~
I lol'd.
The grifter didn't cockblock this announcement? Maybe he'll be her running mate and they'll both rapture up when they lose.
He's not polling well enough to rate a cockblock from her.
You know, I dont' think he'd run if he would just google his own name.
45,000 Google results agree.
Wait a minute! That Mother Jones article is titled "Rick Santorum's Anal Sex Problem". Is anal sex a problem?
If it is, you're doing it wrong.
I'm sure he has his internet parental filters set to "only appropriate for a 3-year-old" on every computer he gets close to.
You know you're in deep santorum when you need a Ouija board to communicate with your base.
Anagrams of "Rick Santorum" include: Can Risk Tumor, Crank Tourism, Rim Snack Tour, and Scrota In Murk.
"I'll take Rim Snack Tour for one hundred, Alex."
Yeah, Scrota in Murk really applies more to the whole GOOP slate.
The downfisty dweeb wants to Santorum all over Ricky. Or vice-versa maybe.
messy!
So you like upfists, do you?
Someday soon he'll be able to hold the precious little hand of his campaign as it withers and dies in his arms, surrounded by family and friends.
Well, maybe not friends.
Yeah, cram 'em in, so to speak…
Maybe Dead Fetus can be his running mate.
Which one? Gabriel or Jar-jar-Bush?
Jar-jar-Bush
Wow, just, wow. I can't stop laughing.
Or Jarbara, if you prefer.
If she'd had stillborn triplets she could have named them Mason and Kerr and Ball.
You know, he does sort of look like he dripped out of someone's ass.
What's with the trail of ooze on the steps?
Just for shits and giggles, the next Republican debate should be centered on American history and the Constitution. The debate will go on until the first candidate sites Ronald Regan as the drafter of the Bill of Rights.
"Shits and giggles" pretty much sums up the entire GOP field this year.
That out to make for a fun drinking game!
My butt farting in a mud puddle has a better message than Mr. Santorum. My butt says "I'm a hideous gas bag full of farts." And Mr. Santorum's message says "I'm a hideous gas bag full of farts." The difference? My butt works for free.
Your butt is also less frothy.
Strictly out of curiosity, why a mud puddle?
Who is the gnome interviewing him?
Gnome? That's Leontius, son of Agalaion, living symbol of all that is Hellenic.
Gnome? That's no gnome. That's Γεοργος Στεφανοπουλοσ. As a Greek, he is a Santorum expert. He practically invented it.
At least we have an excuse to post that pic, which I can never get enough of, until he slinks back in to obscurity in a few weeks.
Lubed up & ready!
This makes Fred Thompson's 2008 run look downright DYNAMITE!
I think party favorite actually refers to taco dip, or some such thing…
Yet another Republican candidate who has figured out how to make a living running for office.
Don't let Ricky catch that hand fapping: remember, every sperm is sacred
Santorum/Vaginal Yeast 2012!
Gorilla Glue 2012 !
Life begins at conception and ends when you run out of money to pay for healthcare. What more could be fairer? The more money you have, the longer you live.
Even his own weiner-balloon wall (wtf?) didn't stick around for the entirety of that speech. And if Rick Santorum can't control his own campaign decor, how can we trust him to protect us from Al Qaeda?
I still love that Addam's Family picture. Rick could learn a few things about personality from Gomez.
And style.
Rick could learn a few things about personality from Golum.
A pencil thin mustache would give Rick a little character.
Fuck Santorum! He "Spoke" for me in the Senate and I never more poorly represented in my life.
Yes, he made Arlen Specter look like an actual legislator — what a feat.
Party Favorite? Let's not be too sarcastic, GMA.
I thought of that, but let's face it, the debate would be over after the first question then.
Do you normally use two hands?
Perhaps Sr./Sra BTFlagass meant one hand, no dick. But this is a very good question at which I am still laughing.
I think the world owes Dan Savage many thanks for ruining any chance of Rick ever getting taken seriously again.
When Bob Casey ran against this moron, Dan Savage sent the maximum contribution to Casey but it was returned because of Savage's definition of Santorum,
No, Rick did that himself. Savage just made it more entertaining.
Just read about this new sex game / perversion called corn dogging and it confused and revolted even me.
Seems like its a new Repug sex practice combining their favorite things. Ten year old albino Southern boys, pharmacutical grade animal stimulants, billy goats, Jeebus, corn dogs and lots and lots of Santorum.
Party!
"we’re very excited about, you know, what the — what the future holds."
Here's a taste of your future, Santorum – go find the Daily Show clip where Jon Stewart tells people to go google your name and makes fun of the results. Hit play. Hit play again. Hit play again. Hit play again. Hit play again. Hit play again. Hit play again. Hit play again…
Spoiler alert, Rick:
You don't have a fucking chance.
But I'll bet my bottom dollar he gets the chance to address the Republican convention in prime time — and he'll consider that a win.
well it's about damn some more republican crazy dropped.
"Rick Santorum Announces Candidacy To Crowd of Invisible Supporters".
Just two of them, Katie – one with his invisible hand pushing the operating buttons in Santorum's back, and the other with his invisible hand regulating the flow of Santorum.
The man has no clue about political stagecraft. He should have made that announcement with a little girl standing next to him, crying her eyes out. It never hurts to have Harry Potter there, either.
Ricky: You ain't even a skid mark in Lou Sarah's Victoria's Secret panties.
Skidmark? No. Trigmark? Yes.
Besides, I thought she did all her shoplifting at Neiman-Marcus now.
Or sights him, when its Lou Sarah.
ahem, surveyor's marks him.
(On the screen shot) It sure has been a long time since I went to a party where SANTORUM was a favorite… I think they are called orgies… of sorts.
Way to muddy the political waters, there.
I'm waiting for the debate featuring Santorum vs. Weiner.
In other news, Lisa Edelstein won't be coming back as Cuddy to the new season of House. Which means the field is wide-open for House and Wilson to finally get it on. All roads lead to santorum.
Can we keep the fanfic in RNC newsletters, where it belongs?
Why should RNC get all the frothy beige-tinted fun?
That pic of Rick with his unaborted fetuses sends a heartwrenching message. They all look miserable, not just the little girl with the doll. "Why, why," they ask, "didn't you abort us, Daddy? Now we have to be bit-players in your futile campaigns for public office."
Yet another punching bag joins the line-up.
As someone with an imperfect face, I certainly don't mean to throw glass houses at piles of rocks or anything, but it weird to me how Rick's nose seems to point in one direction and his chin in another.
i'd never noticed that. it's very disconcerting. part of his face is trying to distance itself from his mouth.
"Party favorite runs for president"? This is the last person I'd hope to see at a party, Gawd Almighty.
"…and we're rolling out a new campaign slogan for our Iowa tour! 'Santorum: Coming to your backyard'.
Try and make fun of that, libunatics!"
Amazing. A man with his head up his ass gargling himself.
Shorter Santorum: The problem with the Ryan medicare plan is that seniors prefer a more distilled, concentrated version of the idea. Yeah Rick. You run with that.
Lookout!
RIcky's got some bible-thumping competition in the buttsechs metaphor department:
Governor Goodhair: “there is hope for America… and we will find it on our knees.”
OT, Breitbart says he has more and "iconic" pictures of Anthony Weiner from a woman who had a "consensual onlne sexual relatonship "with him . I have one of those with several Wonketeers, no pics, however.
Someone needs to explain to Breitbart that chatroulette does not constitute "consensual online sexual relationship". Also that "Anthony Weiner" is a common screenname.
What? Are you trying to ruin his "social life?"
And yet, we still have no iconic video of Not-So-Breitbart being a drunken lout.
No Peace/No Justice!
Now, that would be heartwarming.
At least Rick Santorum is in better shape than Romney. Bible Spice could have shown up in Pittsburgh and told everyone how Penn and Teller invented Pennsyvania.
BoingBoing.net linked to Stephanopoulos's blog re: the announcement this way:
"News leaked out this morning on George's Bottom Line."
Who says geeks aren't funny?
Someone educate me here. I don't get why these people who obviously have no chance at all of winning the nomination, let alone the election, are entering the ring. Can it only be delusion and ego, or is there some kind of money scam going on? In Trump's case it was easy to see that it was just hype for his TV show, but how about these others? And it can't be big money, otherwise Huckleberry wouldn't have kept his day job. Am I missing something?
Some people choose to act on what the voices in their head tells them to do.
See, Huck HAS a day job. For Ricky, it's like the billboards you see when you drive through Indian Casino country. REO Speedwagon knows they have no chance of winning a Grammy, but they're still out there with .38 Special.
"Jesus was a Capricorn" – Kristofferson
"Jesus was a Cornholer" – Santorum
Dribbly Dirtchute!
Bubbling B-Hole!
I am actually very excited about all the ass-based alliteration the future holds.
Only in it for the money. He'll figure a way to launder campaign contributions from his flock into personal expenses. He's certainly not in it for the power he won't get.
He needs a chorus line of aborted fetuses crooning behind him. Think of the "Prom Night Dumpster Baby" number from Family Guy.
There's only one way this whole thing might work out for you, Ricky … if America actually gets tired of poop jokes. I know, right?
So as an unofficial campaign manager, I suggest you start beating them to the punch.
Look, let's face it, you're kind of a creepy dude. If a sack of weird such as yourself started hitting people with obvious buttsex jokes, it'd freak everybody out so much, they'd lose interest in doing it themselves. Seriously, Rick. Start making frothy mix comments.
Start by calling yourself Senator Smoothie, and talk about whipping up a lot of support. Then look directly into the camera for an uncomfortably long period with your patented creeper grin, and say "That was an anal sex joke, everyone! Smoothies! Whipping up? Frothy!! Get it?!"
That should put everyone off of their little jokes. Out-gross America! YOU CAN DO IT!
This could end sex as we know it in America. Every variation.
If he writes an article about Rick's early campaigning in Iowa, Ohio, MI and and IN, he can play it straight-faced with a headline like "Santorum Covers The Midwest."
Major visual symbolism at the 1:56-2:05 mark. The hideous ballon-wall just couldn't withstand the wind from all that BS flowing out of his little santorum-maker. Watch it crumble just like his hopes for the party nomination soon will.
Court the ethnic vote– Pasta/ Antipasta 2012
Subject Change Alert: Check the new Breitbart pix on Weiner and ask how that skinny runt suddenly has Arnie-style muscles and a dick that would make Rick Santorum scream with pleasure pain.
Santorum alternative election slogans:
"There are two Americas – they both need Santorum in them"
"Corn-packers for Santorum"
"Real America loves Santorum"
"Rick Santorum – God is inside him"
"This time, vote like your Santorum depended on it"
"Rick Santorum – on his knees for America's voters"
"Santorum – sticking with America"
"Santorum – the ingredient that America is missing"
"The White House needs Santorum in it."
Give Republicans full marks for promoting the mentally challenged. I'm just curious, will they in fact promote a candidate with a functioning brain?
Santorum ????? Don't remember him……… I've got to Google him.
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