so maybe he'll retire now?

Richard Cohen Suffers Brief Moment of Self-Awareness

Washington Post ghoul Richard Cohen has been writing incoherent paeans to war and sexism for nearly 40 years, but even a broken plastic clock that was pulverized and re-manufactured into a novelty-store dildo is still right exactly one time in 40 years. Our pal Princess Sparkle Pony suffered through Cohen’s latest blog post or whatever it’s called, and found this moment of tragic self-awareness:

I used to understand everything. I was even paid to explain things. Now I understand nothing. I live in a strange place and understand just a piece of what’s going on.

Well, that’s a stretch at the end, that part about understanding “just a piece,” when the correct phrase would’ve been “nothing at all.” [Princess Sparkle Pony]

About the author

Wonkette Jr., everybody! Hooray!

View all articles by Wonkette Jr.

Comments

Hey there, Wonkeputians! Shypixel here to remind you to remember our Commenting Rules For Radicals, Enjoy!

  • pinkocommi

    So, what are you saying, Jr.? You don't like Dick?

    • Sue4466

      Prefers Weiner.

      Too soon?

  • Arken

    I was the number one star… in the world… Bang… the world…
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wQezW__A1BM

  • JoeBiteme

    If only more of the olds would recite this mantra each morning prior to "weighing in" on the day's events…

    Wonkette olds excluded of course…

    • MinAgain

      I appreciate that.

    • neiltheblaze

      Good save, whippersnapper!

      • Jukesgrrl

        Thanks for the shout-out the other day. Glad to see there's another communications professional eager to become a complete burden on the public.

        • neiltheblaze

          It's our lot it life, so it may as well be our mission, no?

    • Beetagger

      Huh?

    • finallyhappy

      I never understood everything but I think I understand more now than every announced and unannounced GOP candidate.

      • JoeBiteme

        Combined…

    • V572 [SSAN]

      How's that agin, sonny? Speak up, I can barely hear ye.

    • Lionel[redacted]Esq

      Youth it Truth
      I wish Old rhymed with Lies!

  • Oblios_Cap

    I live in a strange place and understand just a piece of what’s going on.

    That certainly brings back memories of my acid-dropping days.

    Twats gotta tweet, TeaTards gotta hover round, and Dick Cohen is an idiot. Nothing new here.

  • BornInATrailer

    novelty-store dildo?

    • Lionel[redacted]Esq

      Not quite as good as your sex store dildos, but cheaper and better than the ones you get at the local convenience store.

      • http://wonkette.com/ starfanglednut

        The ones from the dollar store are a real bargain, but they tend to break off in there. Don't ask me how I know this.

  • MinAgain

    I live in a strange place

    Could be worse. I live in Tennessee.

    • Sue4466

      Worse worse. I live in Georgia.

      • meufchelou

        No, no, Tennessee is worse: Basil Marceaux.

        • Sue4466

          I'll see your Basil Marceaux and raise you a Saxby Chambliss.

          Google him and "Max Cleland." You'll find "saxby" is defined as a complete piece of shit. But in GA, he's electable. Again and again and again.

          • meufchelou

            We had someone running for congress that was legally banned from DC. That's two aces in my hand. http://lonelytailgater.com/uncategorized/ex-gtown

          • Sue4466

            We got Bobby Franklin, who wants to require all taxes be paid in gold or silver. Not currency backed by gold and silver, but like doubloons or something. He also wants to change the word "victim" to accusers in a whole bunch of crimes that seem to have one thing in common, i.e. the victims tend to be women. Really, a stellar legislator: http://gapolitico.com/?p=16177

          • neiltheblaze

            This is a wonderful conversation – I'm loving it – though, I'm surprised there are no Texans, Arizonans, South Carolinians, or Oklahomans who aren't weighing in saying "Hey, hold on a second….."

            There are so many truly valid pretenders to this crown.

            Sadly, people-hating cretin politicians have become a national epidemic thanks to the Teabaggers. Though – I gotta say – Saxby Chambliss has seniority if nothing else. He's been a flaming public asshole for a really long time. He's the flaming asshole model for many who have come later.

          • BloviateMe

            Saxby's the dude who had a picture taken feeling up his granddaughter, isn't he?

            He's definitely the joker in the deck.

          • neiltheblaze

            Or the "leering pedophile" in the deck, if you will.

        • MinAgain

          Tru dat. After all, we are the state that gave the punditocracy "Don't Say Gay" and the repeal by state fiat of Metro Nashville's anti-gay/bi/transgender discrimination ordinance. And that's just the state legislature.

          Don't even get me started on Marsha Blackburn.

    • Negropolis

      Of all of the strange (read: terribly crazy) places, Tennessee is one of the lesser evils if you ask me. You guys are the mid-South as far as I'm concerned, and probably even a bit more progressive than your neighbor to the immediate north. Not that you guys haven't been crazy, lately, but you actually have a few fairly large cities that help offset the bat-shit crazy rural areas.

      Sorry for the seriousness, but TN could be so much worse when compared to some of its neighbors. Don't worry, you guys are crazy, but you ain't Mississippi or Louisiana.

  • http://www.storycorner.us/ JustPixelz

    I used to understand everything. I was even paid to explain things. Now I understand nothing. I live in a strange place and understand just a piece of what’s going on.

    Weird! I wrote the same thing 40 years ago after listening to Moody Blues, while stoned. (Or does that go without saying?)

    • CapeClod

      "Isn't life Stra-a-a-a-ange?"

      • ShaveTheWhales

        People are strange…. particularly Dickie Cohen.

  • MiniMencken

    "I was so much older then/I'm younger than that now" — it's a Jewish guy thing.

  • Grief_Lessons

    Another gasface victim.

  • freakishlywrong

    If he wasn't such an arrogant, odious ass, I'd almost feel sorry for him. But he is, so I don't.

  • http://www.facebook.com/group.php?gid=351473119155 Fred_Wertham_Jr

    He does live in a strange place. Under whatever that is on top of his head.

  • tihond

    "I used to be with it, but then they changed what it was. Now what I'm with isn't it, and what's it seems weird and scary to me, and it'll happen to you, too."

  • http://wonkette.com/ Monsieur_Grumpe

    He's gone to the next level.

    • BarackMyWorld

      Sadly it's the next level on Super Mario Bros. and the turtles are closing in on him.

    • Lionel[redacted]Esq

      Richard Cohen: Through the Looking Glass.

  • hagajim

    He's just a stranger in a strange land….what's a man supposed to do?

  • http://wonkette.com/ Sharkey

    I feel kinda sorry for whoever paid him to explain things. Can't have worked out well…

  • Gopherit

    This self-awareness will soon pass, like a 3 day old egg burrito.

  • freakishlywrong

    Is Fisty Mc.Downie Richard Cohen?

  • Gopherit

    Also, many thanks to the demigods who rule xanadu that Richard Cohen is too old to use a smart phone and will therefore never grace us with a peen pic.

    • petehammer

      Would we know if he did?

  • neiltheblaze

    "I used to be young and virile, but now I look like a gerbil with thick glasses."

  • SayItWithWookies

    And yet this ignorance doesn't prevent him from having an opinion on practically every damn thing. Not that I can blame Cohen — I don't tell my boss I have no fucking clue what I'm doing most of the time, either.

    • Lionel[redacted]Esq

      Well, in fairness, total ignorance is a requirement for writing for the Post's Editorial Page.

  • http://wonkette.com Ken Layne

    I don't buy that he *ever* understood anything, though … other than who to stroke to get a lifetime tenure at the Washington Post.

    • HistoriCat
    • Lionel[redacted]Esq

      What is Krauthammer's secret, as I hear he isn't that good at stroking anymore.

    • rambone

      So he learned the most important lesson of all . . .

    • BeWoot

      I remember Cohen in the early 80s and he really wasn't that bad then–no Russell Baker, but not a Calvin Thomas, either.

  • http://www.wonkette.com ManchuCandidate

    "My god, I'm a coward. An enabler. I… I… am a FOOL!"

    I might have respected if he said that. I'm guessing he'll go back to being the sniveling weasel he's always been.

  • Moonbat

    I want to make sweet, romantic, tasteful, soft-core love with the first sentece of this post. Which seems somehow inappropriate, what with the "novelty store dildo" reference and such, but there it is.

    • Texan_Bulldog

      I hope the novelty store dildo has sequins, feathers and glitter; just seems appropriate for old Dickie.

  • BloviateMe

    That's what happens when you move out of Real America's zip code.

  • SorosBot

    This brief moment of realizing he's just an out-of-touch old fossil probably won't stop Richie from complaining about the kids who won't get off his lawn, with the tattoos and their hippity-hop music and their refusal to hate all Muslims and their saying no to his gropeyness and repeated demands to have sex with him and their filing sexual harassment suits because of his gropeyness.

    • CapeClod

      I'm not going to tell kids to keep off of my lawn when I'm old. I'm simply going to plant mines.

      • SorosBot

        Or you can just put up a concrete crocodile to scare 'em away.

      • finallyhappy

        If I had done that, the Motherfucker who stole my hubcap last night would be gone!

      • Lionel[redacted]Esq

        I'm going with shotguns on trip wires.

  • Gorillionaire

    He could outsource his entire column to a young hip Indian essayist and still take home a couple hundred thousand bucks to spend on his hair.

    • Lionel[redacted]Esq

      I'm pretty sure that Cohen's columns are generated by a computer that scans every other column published in the last week.

  • http://wonkette.com/ weejee

    I used to understand everything

    Isn't that a period most go through sometime when they are 11 to 17? After finishing the undergrad the profs hope you have a small sense of there being limits to what you know, and after the Piled higher and Deeper you, hopefully, have come to grips with how fucking little you do know, fancy vestments or no.

  • baconzgood

    Unrelated to this post but I had to share it in this public forum.

    Jesbus! Baconz got SMASHED at the luncheon meeting with my client…..Sheesh. I think I have to close the office door and take a nap.

    (this comment is 100% snark free)

    • http://wonkette.com/ weejee

      did u close?

      • baconzgood

        ABC! Always Be Closing! Actually Steve the Spleve is an old friend and we pretty much use his company as an excuse to go out drinkin' for free. Sure we do buisness but….We drink. I forget if we were friends or worked together first… Oh and yeah, I closed! and Department Director Dale is pissed that I brought in $XXX,XXX.XX getting drunk with Steve the Spleve while he had to do paper work figuring how I skimmed 5K off the company on my last handshake.

        • CapeClod

          Way to bring home the bacon.

          (Sorry)

          • baconzgood

            Tee-Hee!

        • Geminisunmars

          So, you're saying that you are on the fast track to becoming one of our corporate overlords? Hope you'll put in a good word for your fellow wonketteers when they come for us.

          • baconzgood

            "Fast track". Yeah it's a sliding scale on how "Fast" I'm "Tracking".

  • fuflans

    if he thinks he lives in a strange place, he should take a look at sarah palin's america.

    • AJWjr.

      Split-level head.

  • CapeClod

    Cohen is starting to sound like one of the denizens of the bar in "The Iceman Cometh."

    • http://wonkette.com/ weejee

      Or its sequel, "The Snowbillie Melts."

    • http://intensedebate.com/people/mrblifil mrblifil

      That would make Obama "Harry Hope."

      • http://intensedebate.com/people/mrblifil mrblifil

        And Sarah Palin as the irritating wife Hickey was driven to strangle.

  • Beetagger

    Grampa Simpson ghosted today's RC column.

  • http://intensedebate.com/people/mrblifil mrblifil

    Must be nice to put all that workplace groping and inappropriate sexual activity behind you and sit around thinking about stuff, for money.

    • DahBoner

      Sir!

      I will most certainly be checking the Help Wanted ads for those "Sitting around thinking about stuff for money" jobs…

  • http://www.gurukalehuru.wordpress.com gurukalehuru

    Cohen's first sentence is also incorrect.

  • Papa_Uniform

    It's alright Richard. Take two Valium and by morning you'll be back to your same insufferable prick self.

  • timbo71351

    Retire, you useless old windbag.

  • randcoolcatdaddy

    You sure someone at The Onion didn't write Cohen's column for him today?

    • BarackMyWorld

      What's Stuef been up to?

  • chascates

    No one understands everything. Not even Charles Krauthammer or Bill Kristol. And even if Cohen could explain what little he knows it would change nothing and accomplish nothing.

    Go to bed, old man.

    • MrFizzy

      And take Krauthammer with you, though he cannot be a good sex partner. Meow.

  • metamarcisf

    At least he understands the point of Palin's tribute to Paul Revere. The British want to take our guns away so they can sell us tea and punk rock records.

  • Lionel[redacted]Esq

    Now I understand nothing. I live in a strange place and understand just a piece of what’s going on.

    Are we sure he isn't just talking about his sex life and problems with getting an erection?

  • axmxz

    Xanadu? More like Xanadon't.

  • axmxz

    "The country is famous for that and a certain kind of cheese."

    So that what a cerebral convolution looks like.

  • DahBoner

    Folk Music: Music made by folks who used to understand the answers blowing in the wind.

    Wait. That's Leonard Cohen…

  • Geminisunmars

    I grok you for posting that.

  • Lucidamente1

    "even a broken plastic clock that was pulverized and re-manufactured into a novelty-store dildo is still right exactly one time in 40 years": Benincasa, are you ghost-blogging as Wonkette Jr.?

  • Jukesgrrl

    Only a person who builds a mobile (and fluid, apparently) Constitution, signs it herself, and uses it to take her family on "vacation" is fully qualified to pontificate on the day's events. Everyone else is just an ordinary Hoveround teabagger … or a Communist.

  • ttommyunger

    Richard who?

  • http://howtosavetheworld.ca/ BZ1

    even a blind squirrel sometimes….

  • http://assistantatlas.blogspot.com/ assistantatlas

    My God, why aren't people just tripping over themselves to pay for this type of brilliant, incisive commentary/analysis? Richard Cohen: not only wasting your time, but killing America's newspapers.

  • MrFizzy

    A rare moment of clarity in describing a lack of clarity.