SO MAYBE HE'LL RETIRE NOW?  2:04 pm June 3, 2011

Richard Cohen Suffers Brief Moment of Self-Awareness

by Wonkette Jr.

Washington Post ghoul Richard Cohen has been writing incoherent paeans to war and sexism for nearly 40 years, but even a broken plastic clock that was pulverized and re-manufactured into a novelty-store dildo is still right exactly one time in 40 years. Our pal Princess Sparkle Pony suffered through Cohen’s latest blog post or whatever it’s called, and found this moment of tragic self-awareness:

I used to understand everything. I was even paid to explain things. Now I understand nothing. I live in a strange place and understand just a piece of what’s going on.

Well, that’s a stretch at the end, that part about understanding “just a piece,” when the correct phrase would’ve been “nothing at all.” [Princess Sparkle Pony]

 
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{ 100 comments }

pinkocommi June 3, 2011 at 2:08 pm

So, what are you saying, Jr.? You don't like Dick?

Sue4466 June 3, 2011 at 4:10 pm

Prefers Weiner.

Too soon?

Arken June 3, 2011 at 2:13 pm

I was the number one star… in the world… Bang… the world…
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wQezW__A1BM

JoeBiteme June 3, 2011 at 2:13 pm

If only more of the olds would recite this mantra each morning prior to "weighing in" on the day's events…

Wonkette olds excluded of course…

MinAgain June 3, 2011 at 2:16 pm

I appreciate that.

neiltheblaze June 3, 2011 at 2:31 pm

Good save, whippersnapper!

Jukesgrrl June 3, 2011 at 9:31 pm

Thanks for the shout-out the other day. Glad to see there's another communications professional eager to become a complete burden on the public.

neiltheblaze June 4, 2011 at 9:32 am

It's our lot it life, so it may as well be our mission, no?

Beetagger June 3, 2011 at 3:04 pm

Huh?

finallyhappy June 3, 2011 at 3:28 pm

I never understood everything but I think I understand more now than every announced and unannounced GOP candidate.

JoeBiteme June 3, 2011 at 3:32 pm

Combined…

V572 [SSAN] June 3, 2011 at 3:57 pm

How's that agin, sonny? Speak up, I can barely hear ye.

Lionel[redacted]Esq June 3, 2011 at 4:09 pm

Youth it Truth
I wish Old rhymed with Lies!

Oblios_Cap June 3, 2011 at 2:15 pm

I live in a strange place and understand just a piece of what’s going on.

That certainly brings back memories of my acid-dropping days.

Twats gotta tweet, TeaTards gotta hover round, and Dick Cohen is an idiot. Nothing new here.

BornInATrailer June 3, 2011 at 2:16 pm

novelty-store dildo?

Lionel[redacted]Esq June 3, 2011 at 4:10 pm

Not quite as good as your sex store dildos, but cheaper and better than the ones you get at the local convenience store.

starfanglednut June 5, 2011 at 8:24 pm

The ones from the dollar store are a real bargain, but they tend to break off in there. Don't ask me how I know this.

MinAgain June 3, 2011 at 2:17 pm

I live in a strange place

Could be worse. I live in Tennessee.

Sue4466 June 3, 2011 at 4:13 pm

Worse worse. I live in Georgia.

meufchelou June 3, 2011 at 4:28 pm

No, no, Tennessee is worse: Basil Marceaux.

Sue4466 June 3, 2011 at 4:32 pm

I'll see your Basil Marceaux and raise you a Saxby Chambliss.

Google him and "Max Cleland." You'll find "saxby" is defined as a complete piece of shit. But in GA, he's electable. Again and again and again.

meufchelou June 3, 2011 at 4:40 pm

We had someone running for congress that was legally banned from DC. That's two aces in my hand. http://lonelytailgater.com/uncategorized/ex-gtown

BloviateMe June 3, 2011 at 7:36 pm

Saxby's the dude who had a picture taken feeling up his granddaughter, isn't he?

He's definitely the joker in the deck.

MinAgain June 3, 2011 at 5:11 pm

Tru dat. After all, we are the state that gave the punditocracy "Don't Say Gay" and the repeal by state fiat of Metro Nashville's anti-gay/bi/transgender discrimination ordinance. And that's just the state legislature.

Don't even get me started on Marsha Blackburn.

Negropolis June 5, 2011 at 11:48 pm

Of all of the strange (read: terribly crazy) places, Tennessee is one of the lesser evils if you ask me. You guys are the mid-South as far as I'm concerned, and probably even a bit more progressive than your neighbor to the immediate north. Not that you guys haven't been crazy, lately, but you actually have a few fairly large cities that help offset the bat-shit crazy rural areas.

Sorry for the seriousness, but TN could be so much worse when compared to some of its neighbors. Don't worry, you guys are crazy, but you ain't Mississippi or Louisiana.

JustPixelz June 3, 2011 at 2:17 pm

I used to understand everything. I was even paid to explain things. Now I understand nothing. I live in a strange place and understand just a piece of what’s going on.

Weird! I wrote the same thing 40 years ago after listening to Moody Blues, while stoned. (Or does that go without saying?)

CapeClod June 3, 2011 at 2:56 pm

"Isn't life Stra-a-a-a-ange?"

ShaveTheWhales June 3, 2011 at 8:27 pm

People are strange…. particularly Dickie Cohen.

MiniMencken June 3, 2011 at 2:18 pm

"I was so much older then/I'm younger than that now" — it's a Jewish guy thing.

Grief_Lessons June 3, 2011 at 2:18 pm

Another gasface victim.

freakishlywrong June 3, 2011 at 2:21 pm

If he wasn't such an arrogant, odious ass, I'd almost feel sorry for him. But he is, so I don't.

Fred_Wertham_Jr June 3, 2011 at 2:21 pm

He does live in a strange place. Under whatever that is on top of his head.

tihond June 3, 2011 at 2:22 pm

"I used to be with it, but then they changed what it was. Now what I'm with isn't it, and what's it seems weird and scary to me, and it'll happen to you, too."

Monsieur_Grumpe June 3, 2011 at 2:22 pm

He's gone to the next level.

BarackMyWorld June 3, 2011 at 3:25 pm

Sadly it's the next level on Super Mario Bros. and the turtles are closing in on him.

Lionel[redacted]Esq June 3, 2011 at 4:11 pm

Richard Cohen: Through the Looking Glass.

hagajim June 3, 2011 at 2:25 pm

He's just a stranger in a strange land….what's a man supposed to do?

Sharkey June 3, 2011 at 2:27 pm

I feel kinda sorry for whoever paid him to explain things. Can't have worked out well…

Gopherit June 3, 2011 at 2:28 pm

This self-awareness will soon pass, like a 3 day old egg burrito.

freakishlywrong June 3, 2011 at 2:28 pm

Is Fisty Mc.Downie Richard Cohen?

Gopherit June 3, 2011 at 2:32 pm

Also, many thanks to the demigods who rule xanadu that Richard Cohen is too old to use a smart phone and will therefore never grace us with a peen pic.

petehammer June 3, 2011 at 4:11 pm

Would we know if he did?

neiltheblaze June 3, 2011 at 2:33 pm

"I used to be young and virile, but now I look like a gerbil with thick glasses."

SayItWithWookies June 3, 2011 at 2:33 pm

And yet this ignorance doesn't prevent him from having an opinion on practically every damn thing. Not that I can blame Cohen — I don't tell my boss I have no fucking clue what I'm doing most of the time, either.

Lionel[redacted]Esq June 3, 2011 at 4:12 pm

Well, in fairness, total ignorance is a requirement for writing for the Post's Editorial Page.

Ken Layne June 3, 2011 at 2:33 pm

I don't buy that he *ever* understood anything, though … other than who to stroke to get a lifetime tenure at the Washington Post.

HistoriCat June 3, 2011 at 3:29 pm
Lionel[redacted]Esq June 3, 2011 at 4:12 pm

What is Krauthammer's secret, as I hear he isn't that good at stroking anymore.

rambone June 3, 2011 at 5:26 pm

So he learned the most important lesson of all . . .

BeWoot June 6, 2011 at 10:41 am

I remember Cohen in the early 80s and he really wasn't that bad then–no Russell Baker, but not a Calvin Thomas, either.

ManchuCandidate June 3, 2011 at 2:36 pm

"My god, I'm a coward. An enabler. I… I… am a FOOL!"

I might have respected if he said that. I'm guessing he'll go back to being the sniveling weasel he's always been.

Moonbat June 3, 2011 at 2:37 pm

I want to make sweet, romantic, tasteful, soft-core love with the first sentece of this post. Which seems somehow inappropriate, what with the "novelty store dildo" reference and such, but there it is.

Texan_Bulldog June 3, 2011 at 6:37 pm

I hope the novelty store dildo has sequins, feathers and glitter; just seems appropriate for old Dickie.

BloviateMe June 3, 2011 at 2:49 pm

That's what happens when you move out of Real America's zip code.

SorosBot June 3, 2011 at 2:49 pm

This brief moment of realizing he's just an out-of-touch old fossil probably won't stop Richie from complaining about the kids who won't get off his lawn, with the tattoos and their hippity-hop music and their refusal to hate all Muslims and their saying no to his gropeyness and repeated demands to have sex with him and their filing sexual harassment suits because of his gropeyness.

CapeClod June 3, 2011 at 2:59 pm

I'm not going to tell kids to keep off of my lawn when I'm old. I'm simply going to plant mines.

SorosBot June 3, 2011 at 3:13 pm

Or you can just put up a concrete crocodile to scare 'em away.

finallyhappy June 3, 2011 at 3:30 pm

If I had done that, the Motherfucker who stole my hubcap last night would be gone!

Lionel[redacted]Esq June 3, 2011 at 4:13 pm

I'm going with shotguns on trip wires.

Gorillionaire June 3, 2011 at 2:50 pm

He could outsource his entire column to a young hip Indian essayist and still take home a couple hundred thousand bucks to spend on his hair.

Lionel[redacted]Esq June 3, 2011 at 4:14 pm

I'm pretty sure that Cohen's columns are generated by a computer that scans every other column published in the last week.

weejee June 3, 2011 at 2:53 pm

I used to understand everything

Isn't that a period most go through sometime when they are 11 to 17? After finishing the undergrad the profs hope you have a small sense of there being limits to what you know, and after the Piled higher and Deeper you, hopefully, have come to grips with how fucking little you do know, fancy vestments or no.

baconzgood June 3, 2011 at 2:55 pm

Unrelated to this post but I had to share it in this public forum.

Jesbus! Baconz got SMASHED at the luncheon meeting with my client…..Sheesh. I think I have to close the office door and take a nap.

(this comment is 100% snark free)

weejee June 3, 2011 at 2:58 pm

did u close?

baconzgood June 3, 2011 at 3:07 pm

ABC! Always Be Closing! Actually Steve the Spleve is an old friend and we pretty much use his company as an excuse to go out drinkin' for free. Sure we do buisness but….We drink. I forget if we were friends or worked together first… Oh and yeah, I closed! and Department Director Dale is pissed that I brought in $XXX,XXX.XX getting drunk with Steve the Spleve while he had to do paper work figuring how I skimmed 5K off the company on my last handshake.

CapeClod June 3, 2011 at 3:24 pm

Way to bring home the bacon.

(Sorry)

baconzgood June 3, 2011 at 3:32 pm

Tee-Hee!

Geminisunmars June 3, 2011 at 6:28 pm

So, you're saying that you are on the fast track to becoming one of our corporate overlords? Hope you'll put in a good word for your fellow wonketteers when they come for us.

baconzgood June 4, 2011 at 11:57 am

"Fast track". Yeah it's a sliding scale on how "Fast" I'm "Tracking".

fuflans June 3, 2011 at 3:00 pm

if he thinks he lives in a strange place, he should take a look at sarah palin's america.

AJWjr. June 3, 2011 at 3:19 pm

Split-level head.

CapeClod June 3, 2011 at 3:01 pm

Cohen is starting to sound like one of the denizens of the bar in "The Iceman Cometh."

weejee June 3, 2011 at 3:06 pm

Or its sequel, "The Snowbillie Melts."

mrblifil June 3, 2011 at 3:11 pm

That would make Obama "Harry Hope."

mrblifil June 3, 2011 at 3:12 pm

And Sarah Palin as the irritating wife Hickey was driven to strangle.

Beetagger June 3, 2011 at 3:07 pm

Grampa Simpson ghosted today's RC column.

mrblifil June 3, 2011 at 3:11 pm

Must be nice to put all that workplace groping and inappropriate sexual activity behind you and sit around thinking about stuff, for money.

DahBoner June 5, 2011 at 2:19 pm

Sir!

I will most certainly be checking the Help Wanted ads for those "Sitting around thinking about stuff for money" jobs…

gurukalehuru June 3, 2011 at 3:17 pm

Cohen's first sentence is also incorrect.

Papa_Uniform June 3, 2011 at 3:23 pm

It's alright Richard. Take two Valium and by morning you'll be back to your same insufferable prick self.

timbo71351 June 3, 2011 at 3:45 pm

Retire, you useless old windbag.

randcoolcatdaddy June 3, 2011 at 3:54 pm

You sure someone at The Onion didn't write Cohen's column for him today?

BarackMyWorld June 3, 2011 at 5:41 pm

What's Stuef been up to?

chascates June 3, 2011 at 3:55 pm

No one understands everything. Not even Charles Krauthammer or Bill Kristol. And even if Cohen could explain what little he knows it would change nothing and accomplish nothing.

Go to bed, old man.

MrFizzy June 6, 2011 at 7:54 am

And take Krauthammer with you, though he cannot be a good sex partner. Meow.

metamarcisf June 3, 2011 at 4:00 pm

At least he understands the point of Palin's tribute to Paul Revere. The British want to take our guns away so they can sell us tea and punk rock records.

Lionel[redacted]Esq June 3, 2011 at 4:15 pm

Now I understand nothing. I live in a strange place and understand just a piece of what’s going on.

Are we sure he isn't just talking about his sex life and problems with getting an erection?

axmxz June 3, 2011 at 4:40 pm

Xanadu? More like Xanadon't.

axmxz June 3, 2011 at 4:46 pm

"The country is famous for that and a certain kind of cheese."

So that what a cerebral convolution looks like.

DahBoner June 3, 2011 at 5:36 pm

Folk Music: Music made by folks who used to understand the answers blowing in the wind.

Wait. That's Leonard Cohen…

Geminisunmars June 3, 2011 at 6:22 pm

I grok you for posting that.

Lucidamente1 June 3, 2011 at 6:45 pm

"even a broken plastic clock that was pulverized and re-manufactured into a novelty-store dildo is still right exactly one time in 40 years": Benincasa, are you ghost-blogging as Wonkette Jr.?

Jukesgrrl June 3, 2011 at 9:36 pm

Only a person who builds a mobile (and fluid, apparently) Constitution, signs it herself, and uses it to take her family on "vacation" is fully qualified to pontificate on the day's events. Everyone else is just an ordinary Hoveround teabagger … or a Communist.

ttommyunger June 3, 2011 at 10:02 pm

Richard who?

BZ1 June 3, 2011 at 10:46 pm

even a blind squirrel sometimes….

assistantatlas June 5, 2011 at 8:19 pm

My God, why aren't people just tripping over themselves to pay for this type of brilliant, incisive commentary/analysis? Richard Cohen: not only wasting your time, but killing America's newspapers.

MrFizzy June 6, 2011 at 7:54 am

A rare moment of clarity in describing a lack of clarity.

Sue4466 June 3, 2011 at 5:32 pm

We got Bobby Franklin, who wants to require all taxes be paid in gold or silver. Not currency backed by gold and silver, but like doubloons or something. He also wants to change the word "victim" to accusers in a whole bunch of crimes that seem to have one thing in common, i.e. the victims tend to be women. Really, a stellar legislator: http://gapolitico.com/?p=16177

neiltheblaze June 4, 2011 at 9:51 am

This is a wonderful conversation – I'm loving it – though, I'm surprised there are no Texans, Arizonans, South Carolinians, or Oklahomans who aren't weighing in saying "Hey, hold on a second….."

There are so many truly valid pretenders to this crown.

Sadly, people-hating cretin politicians have become a national epidemic thanks to the Teabaggers. Though – I gotta say – Saxby Chambliss has seniority if nothing else. He's been a flaming public asshole for a really long time. He's the flaming asshole model for many who have come later.

neiltheblaze June 4, 2011 at 9:54 am

Or the "leering pedophile" in the deck, if you will.

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