pretty boy john

John Edwards Finally Indicted For His Many Crimes

Visions of America.Loverboy creep John Edwards spent nearly a million dollars in campaign donations — money given by liberal Democrats to this man’s presidential campaign — to keep his mistress and love child living in style all while pretending to be a loyal family man out to help working people. Sure, it is not a crime that’s nearly on the scale of the crimes committed by everyone on Wall Street and in the actual White House, but this will keep people from talking about unemployment for another few hours, we suppose.

AP reports:

A federal grand jury indicted two-time presidential candidate John Edwards on Friday over $925,000 spent to keep his mistress and their baby in hiding during the peak of his 2008 campaign for the White House.

The case of USA v. Johnny Reid Edwards contains six counts, including conspiracy, four counts of illegal campaign contributions and one count of false statements.

He’ll pay some fine out of his hundred million dollar stash, and we can all feel good about America again. [AP]

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    1. Ruhe

      He should be screwed. Just imagine what would have happened if he'd gotten the nomination. Oh, wait. We won the last election and the Republicans are still fucking us, so, whatever.

      1. Gopherit

        Alas, I was going for a John Goodman/Lebowski vibe. I have no idea why…….I'm just in an odd mood today.

    1. AJWjr.

      Things for him would be much better right now if that were the extent of their relationship.

    2. Callyson

      Had it been in the ass, there would not have been that unpleasantness with the baby. Guess the Breck Boy is not into kinky stuff.

    1. Ken Layne

      Republican sex scandals usually involve diddling little boys.

      The mistress scandals and indictments are usually Democrat games.

      /Arnold married a Kennedy, which allowed him access into the heterosexual mistress/love child club.

    2. Maman

      Sadly it is not twisted enough of a story for a Republican…. It is just basic douchebaggery. To qualify for GOP status Rielle Hunter would have had to been a Martian or his best friend's wife.

  1. BloviateMe

    I suppose this outlines the beauty of the right wing plan to bang boys instead of girls. No one ends up pregnant.

  2. Captain_Quark

    I didn't know you could indict a dildo. Especially a talking dildo with fabulous hair. What's next, an indictment of Mittens?

    1. DemmeFatale

      Really. Every time I see his smarmy face I think: "we really dodged a bullet."

      (Not that he truly had a chance.)

  3. SorosBot

    This will be the Trial of the Century of 2011. Seriously, the asshole's been irrelevant since well before the love child story broke but I'm sure this will be a media circus and it'll be impossible to escape the coverage.

      1. Ken Layne

        Exactly. They tried to settle yesterday but goddamned Edwards is a prick right to the end, even with his buddy as president. But they will settle, and Edwards will at most pay a fine and maybe do some "community service" like impregnating some poor girls.

      2. Negropolis

        I'd imagine that to be the case. I mean, look at Rielle. If that ain't settling, I don't know what is.

  4. baconzgood

    Sorry, I'm too busy looking at the Cuban beauty sexy hot pepper eatin' ad to pay attention to John Edwards and his bastard.

        1. HistoriCat

          What the hell – after all those peppers, she may just have a hankerin' for some bacon.

    1. Ken Layne

      The coverup and the whole knocking up some new-age weirdo, encouraging her to have the baby, and then paying for both until your wife dies of cancer and you can finally marry her in the open. Ugh.

      1. Terry

        Very true. He's scum, basically, although I guess he gets points for supporting the kid. It's the coverup that's sending his boney arse to jail.

        1. UW8316154

          To be fair, he only supported the kid after he spent time vigorously denying it was his.

  5. Come here a minute

    This is who those Arkansas schoolchildren's parents want on the "worst people" list. Making babies is right up there with killing them.

  6. edgydrifter

    $925K, a destroyed family, a ruined career and now maybe a criminal record. That better have been some solid gold, heroin-dipped angel pussy from the eleventh dimension, Johnny, or you got ripped-off big time.

    1. baconzgood

      I destroyed my family and ruined my career and all it took was about $1500 worth of booze. He's got to be a little more cost effictive. Budget himself better.

      1. Lascauxcaveman

        You working class dudes are always more efficient than lawyerly, fake son-of-a-mill-workers opportunists ever are.

        My next door neighbor (builds roads for a living) managed to wreck his marriage without any booze at all, simply by marrying the wrong crazy broad. Five years domestic bliss, one cute and friendly kid, and boom, she kicks him out. Just like her first husband.

        I'm especially pissed about this, because he's the guy that would plow our steep 1/4 mile of mutual private road in the winter. His wife kicks him out! Be interesting to see how you get to work in January, bitch.

    2. easybaked

      Makes me think of a quote from City Slickers:

      "Women need a reason for having sex, men just need a place."

    3. Negropolis

      That better have been some solid gold, heroin-dipped angel pussy from the eleventh dimension

      Okay, now; you just broke the internets with that one.

    4. Nixon_So_Fine

      How can I make this about the Snowbilly Grifter, as is her wont?

      Also, too. (for points!)

  7. mavenmaven

    My how times have changed. Once, one would have scandals with actual women, nowadays the nation becomes outraged, OUTRAGED, by an image of underpants.

  8. freakishlywrong

    Good, maybe this'll knock Weiner's bunch outta the news for a minute. As long as there's a Democrat to demonize and speculate about, they're really interchangeable.

  9. prommie

    Excuse me, I have to go put some pantaloons on the legs of my Piano, its scandalous, the furniture just sitting there naked and all. Sex is bad, mmkay?

    1. CrankyLttlCamperette

      Well, it was the Victorians who gave us the terms "white meat" and "dark meat" for poultry because it was considered too salacious to refer to the breast or the thigh at the family dinner table.

      Does this mean the hoopskirt is coming back, too? Or just the misogyny and repression?

  10. Callyson

    $925,000 spent to keep his mistress…out of his hundred million dollar stash
    Sounds like Rielle is not the toughest negotiator…you'd think she could have gotten at least a 2% cut. Oh, right, she did it for love not money.

  11. AJWjr.

    John Edwards is a corporate entity no doubt, therefore his punishment will consist of a little lucre, and we will all forget about it by the next news cycle.

  12. Mort_Sinclair

    Johnny??? His legal name is Johnny? Well, anyway. Did you know his daddy worked in a mill?

    1. justkillmenow

      I was just getting ready to ask that same question. Who names their kid Johnny? Wow.

      1. AnAmericanInTO

        Johnny Reid Edwards sounds like the guy in charge of snacks at the local KKK Klavern.

        Or Lynyrd Skynyrd's touring bassist.

      2. Mort_Sinclair

        Actually, now that I think about it, that Johnny Reid Edwards thing actually explains a lot. It might even explain everything.

      3. tessiee

        When I lived in Johnny's zip code, I a co-worker whose real first name was "Junior".
        Yes, he later had it legally changed.

  13. plinkleton

    Wow! the second non-story the media has offered up in a week to divert attention away from boffo #ConflictedClarenceThomas story !

  14. JustPixelz

    Like a lot of other things, this started while Bush was president. So, how will Repubicans blame it on Obama?

    "Obama set the moral standard for the Democrat Party. And he set it low enough that Edwards thought he could get away with this kind of behavior." — Newt Gingrich

    "In Obama's America, keeping your child is an indictable offense. 'Going Rogue' makes a great gift." — Sarah Palin™

    "Things like this simply didn't happen when George Bush and the Republicans were keeping America safe from Iraq on 9/11". –Michele Bachmann

    1. horsedreamer_1

      I thought you were putting up actual quotes after I read the first, ascribed to Newton Leroy.

      In fact, have you considered becoming a writer for NewtExplore?

  15. KeepFnThatChicken

    $725,000 of the money he received came from the World's Oldest Cougar, Rachel Mellon. She's a centenarian, for God's sake.

  16. Papa_Uniform

    Johnny spent $925k keeping is mistress and love child outta sight? Geez, hasn't he heard of Motel 6?

    1. tessiee

      "a reality show"

      "Sleaze Factor"
      "America's got bastards"
      "Who wants to procreate with a politician?"
      "So you think you can keep your mistress quiet?"

  17. KeepFnThatChicken

    Here's what I like the most about Rielle Hunter: At any time, he could be having sex with one of five different women.

    Rielle Hunter
    Lisa Jo Druck
    Lisa Hunter
    Rielle Jaya James Druck
    Alison Poole

    Oh, and the 100-year-old cootch and Elizabeth, too.

    1. prommie

      Or he could have had a 5-way with all of them. You're never alone with a schizophrenic.

  18. weejee

    While goin' the road to Leavenworth natch, hurroo, hurroo
    Fer tossin' Elizabeth for Rielle's snach, hurroo, hurroo
    While goin' the road to sweet Leavenworth
    A stick up yer ass a Boehner tear in yer eye
    A doleful damsel you did leave wide,
    Johnny we hardly knew ye

  19. freakishlywrong

    OT. Too bad we don't have Riley to send to the Faith$&Freedumb$ hate fest going on. It's great to see "establishment" Republicans line up to shrill at an event run by a disgraced, oily con man.

    1. ProgressiveInga

      I'm listening to it on C-SPAN and it's a Ronny Reagan Real Patriot circle jerk. And at the risk of being redundant, it's very white.

      1. freakishlywrong

        I just wish someone would yell out "Jack Abramoff!"…pearl clutching and tasering would ensue.

        1. ProgressiveInga

          Or ask for a show of hands of all current Medicare recipients. Buncha closet socialists.

  20. Ken Layne

    I remember reading that New Yorker profile in early 2000 and thinking, "This guy is a phony fucking slimeball ambulance chaser, who would fall for this?"

  21. SaintRond

    This perennial candidate for President actually believed he could have himself videoed sticking his tongue in a human rat's vagina and get away with it.

    What hubris!!!

  22. Poindexter718

    I knew all along that Edwards was a fraud and, to their credit, I think many Democratic primary voters knew it too. Imagine if we had nominated him? The scandal broke a few weeks before the election. McCain would have won and by this point the Wasilla Snowbilly prolly would have had him offed and moved her entire feakshow fambly & attendant reality teevee crew into the WH.

  23. Guppy06

    Remember, boys and girls: it's not who you take your donations from or how large those donations are, it's how you spend it.

  24. weejee

    Not to rush things, there will be the trial and all, but after John gets settled at Club Fed will he be able to post about his new roomie – Butturstick and compare notes on fudge packing with Mittens?

    Johnny might also check out an olde issue of Forbes that provides a list of the best prisons as a service for their white collar crime readers.

  25. SayItWithWookies

    Some of the action scenes are great, of course — it's the major plot premises that are ridiculous. But I'd best stop before I say something wildly inaccurate and rue (again!) picking a handle entirely inconsistent with my lack of regard or attention to the Star Wars universe's characters and situations.

  26. hagajim

    This is the worst thing ever! Way worse than causing the deaths of well over 1,500 soldiers while killing many many more of the browns. We ought to be outraged.

    1. prommie

      There was some flap recently about massive, incredible corruption in the world financial markets, too, wasn't there?

      And something about rigged derivatives deals in commodities and oil markets, that have resulted in a worldwide spike in food and fuel prices, pushing some into poverty, and pushing some of the poor into stravation, all orchestrated by the same "too big to fail" crooked financiers.

      Glad to know the feds have put the hammer down on evil evil Johnny for sticking his penis in a woman he didn't have a license to fuck. You know, that marriage license, right, isn't that the problem, he didn't have a license to fuck this one? And besides, its dirty, dirty, dirty sex, bad bad wicked dirty sex, nothing at all like torture and war crimes and economic pillage.

  27. jaytingle

    This great criminal mastermind has felt the cold slap of lady justice. He should thank his g-d that he was only indicted in this post-Osama nation.

  28. BloviateMe


    That's always the moral to the story, silly lib.

    Does the Virgin Mary need to slap you across the face with her intact hymen while holding the Baby Jesus for you to figure it out??

  29. Biel_ze_Bubba

    Negotiations between Edwards' attorneys and federal prosecutors proved fruitless, because "Prosecutors had insisted on a plea to a felony, which would endanger his ability to keep his license to practice law."

    The guy has clients? Does he actually have any influence left to peddle?

    1. GOPCrusher

      I thought he just sat in his car with his portable scanner listening for ambulance calls.

  30. Steverino247

    Apparently, the downfister is offended by us bashing a Democrat today. Make up your fucking mind, asshole!

  31. fartknocker

    Wonkette Jr.: This posting needs a blingee! Ken, can Jr. please make his first blingee?

  32. prommie

    Well, the moral of the story is "pay for your mistress with your own money." But "sex is bad" explains the general tone of the reaction to the story, the revulsion and hate.

  33. Gunner Asch

    Edwards caused a strange role reversal in our family. My wife normally has perfect pitch in slime detection, but she always liked him. I, on the other hand, am forever failing to see the next thievery/general scummy behavior coming (except for Republicans, that's expected) and yet had a visceral revulsion for him the moment I first saw him.

  34. BarackMyWorld

    There are 2 people I am ashamed I ever voted for. In 2004 I voted for Edwards for VP, and in 1994 when I…no, I must conceal that last bit of shame.

    1. Midway117

      Oh, no, you are not alone my friend. I gave him $25 and I got car magnets in return, so I don't feel so sticky. But yes, there is shame…

  35. GeneralLerong

    Wow, there's hope that $arah "Bullseye" Palin might someday be indicted, too? Also?

    1. prommie

      You'd think setting up a "charity" and accepting donations, only to have the "charity" pay 90% of the money to you, as a spokesperson and consultant, is way more sleazy and illegal than this.

  36. fuflans

    come on people, john just worked too hard and felt passionately about his country.

  37. DemonicRage

    It's really no fun to kick someone when he's down. You snarkers should be ashamed.

    1. tessiee

      "It's really no fun to kick someone when he's down."

      You haven't spent very much time on this site, have you?

  38. cmputrwizard

    In a country that sees no illegalities in what Bush, Cheney, et al., did, of course, John Edwards is guilty!!!!!!!!!

    Of anything they can think of to keep the bin Laden circus acts ongoing.

  39. prommie

    From Demtard Underground, very interesting: "As Senator, John Edwards vigorously blocked the nomination of U.S. District Judge Terrence Boyle, a Bush selection with a horrible civil rights record. Edwards held his ground for years in the face of tremendous pressure from the White House, the Republican Senate majority and the powers that be in North Carolina to keep this judge from moving up to the U.S. Court of Appeals, one step below the Supreme Court.

    George E.B. Holding, the Bush-appointed U.S. Attorney in North Carolina who has waged a long investigation and pushed an indictment based on grounds that most legal experts and scholars agree is shaky at best was Judge Boyle's law clerk, a unique position of trust, confidence that more often than not forms the basis of a lifetime of appreciation and loyalty."

  40. lochnessmonster

    It never ceases to amaze me how full of themselves some people are. He's waaaay far away from his humble roots.

  41. Warpde

    Way to go making Gingrich and a slew of other Repub's look normal John.
    Anything else in your pant's you could pull out?

  42. Blendergoathead

    John Ensign's parents probably had heart attacks from the relief that the money they paid to keep their son's whore and husband taken care of was almost nothing in comparison.

  43. ttommyunger

    Ashamed to admit this boy had me fooled for the longest. Seems the whole fund mis-management thing got its genesis from the flack he received over his $400 Haircuts.

  44. Negropolis

    Why am I not mad at him, anymore, at least politically? I just don't care. He is so unimportant and irrelevant to me and to the political system of this country that I.just.don'

    BTW, Andrew Young is a Grade A scumball and whore, himself, but that is to be expected when your boss is who he is. Son-of-mill-worker!

  45. DemmeFatale

    I never trusted him, but heard from insiders that Elizabeth was actually the brilliant one.
    I don't know what to make of the fact that supposedly she knew about this when he was running.

  46. Walkinwiddaking

    This from an article about Rachel Mellon in the NYT:

    "After Mr. Edwards dropped out of the presidential race in early 2008, Mr. Young said, he still hoped that Mrs. Mellon would give him $50 million and access to her private jet so he could lead a fight against poverty around the world. (This never occurred.)"

    The man was willing to sacrifice for the poor and downtrodden of the world and now this. Why do bad things happen to such nice people?

  47. tessiee

    Hey, you guys:

    Remember when Johnny Boy abruptly quit his campaign?
    And in contrast to how smooth and articulate he'd always sounded before, he was stammering and fumfering and looked positively ashen?
    But that probably didn't have anything to do with this.

  48. luke_warm

    I was a supporter of his and I hope he lives out his life in penury and infamy, but this is a waste of taxpayer money. They're going to have a very hard time proving the money was not spent in order to improve his standing in the polls.

  49. Not_So_Much

    Shocked, I tell you!

    I wonder if he can still get Dave Matthews to play the wedding if it's in prison?

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