Police in Keystone Independence, Missouri, knew just what to do when somebody called about seeing an alleged alligator not bothering anybody on some wooded property somewhere: They drove right over and tried to kill it, by shooting it repeatedly with their rifles. But, eventually, they figured out it was just a concrete lawn ornament. So then they shot a bunch of minority kids while hearing that music from COPS in their minds. No, kidding! Then they probably got promoted.
The television news in this town reports:
Police responding to an alligator sighting in a suburban Kansas City pond took quick action to dispatch the big reptile.
It wasn’t until after the second rifle shot bounced off the beast Sunday that the three Independence officers realized it was a concrete lawn ornament.
Three cops, two rifle shots, one concrete alligator.
And one America.
Remember, if you see any suspected wildlife, immediately call the police so they can try to murder it. [KMBC]
{ 191 comments }
And it gets worse: these were not really cops, but the guys from Fish and Wildlife!
"And it gets worse: these were not really cops, but the guys from (Frozen) Fish and (Not so) Wildlife!
So, three Fish & Wildlife cops, two rifle shots, one concrete alligator and one America all walk into a bar together…
Shots all around, on me.
Give those F&W boys a break, all their lives they dream of bagging a big ol' gator.
I'm going to call up the Independence police and report that a Winged Griffin is trearing up my front lawn.
There's a nude lady without any arms on my lawn! Send someone, quick!
Hah, small beer that. Try washing your car after that goddamn Roc shits on it.
Help! There's a 2' tall jockey in blackface, tearin' up my lawn!
"It wasn’t until after the second rifle shot bounced off the beast Sunday that the three Independence officers realized it was a concrete lawn ornament."
How many of the cops went to the hospital with ricochet wounds?
Lol! I was wondering exactly the same thing.
The cops may have gotten off more shots, but in the battle of wits the croc fought them to a draw.
All of them, Katie.
They'd have broken out the assault rifles if they'd seen a lawn jockey or snoozing hombre in a sombrero and serape.
Drat! You beat me to the lawn jockey joke!
This is why yo P is so big. Respect.
In my neck of the woods, we have quite few lawns decorated with concrete and/or plastic deer & elk. I imagine the homeowners tuck them back in the garage for the duration of hunting season.
There's a concrete deer down the lane from me and metallic lizards are catching on, but mostly I'm surrounded by cowboy/girl silhouettes. Have I mentioned lately how much I hate it here?
Put down that axe Eugene!
Dude/ette — I'm in SE Idaho where the mormon population is around 80% and the stupid population is high 90's. Solidarnosc, my friend…
Shooting it will only make it angry.
You just can't make shit like this up. Tonight, I toast to you, Independence, Misery P.D.
I take it you've never been there. Independence, Missouri is basically the Kansas City metro area's capital of meth-addled racist white trash barely-lower-middle-class crackers who escaped Kansas City proper (blacks!) just in time to see it turn awesome again.
But at least it's not Raytown. There the cops would've tried to give the alligator meth and then rape it.
Shoot first. Identify what you are shooting later.
Sounds about right.
Wouldn't be surprised if bars in Independence, Missouri have signs in the men's room:
WE AIM TO PLEASE, SO PLEASE AIM…
Great, you would think that cops would need concrete evidence before drawing their firearms.
It upsets me that I laughed at that. Damn it.
It may be a pun, but our hearts aren't made of stone.
Honestly, the two of you have cemented your places in my heart.
For a pun, it was pretty solid.
ISWYDT
I should've downfisted you for that one, but…
I'm just upfisting all the puns. I think it's their terribleness that makes them so good.
Barb, si è spudoratamente abili a questo business commentare. Oh, e saluti da bella Italia!
Thanks to the hard work of their police force, Independence has been rid of the threat posed by the invading army of strange little gnome men.
My last dog was very lovable but kind of dumb- she would get all snarly and angry whenever we walked past a concrete rabbit on my nieghbor's lawn- but she was a dog after all.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=q8DiOthAKek
This should be the town's Convention and Visitor's Bureau pitch, because any town more interested in filling cement reptiles with bullets couldn't possibly have a drug or gang problem.
Yeah, "meth capital of the world" schmeth capital of the world… what does Rolling Stone magazine know about drugs anyway? http://www.kansascity.com/2011/05/10/2864486/inde...
Well, let's see them make boots out of it.
Bad croc, bad croc.
Whatcha gonna do
when they come for you.
To avoid looking stupid, they planted some drugs on it and charged it with 3 felonies.
After painting it brown.
And sodomizing it with a broom handle.
And sprinkling crack on top of it
"He's coming right for us!"
Well, look at the way it stolidly refused to comply with their commands. Resisting arrest!
These cops are going to get no end of shit down at the station house, probably for the rest of their careers.
that won't be enough justice. they are fucking idiots who should not be carrying firearms.
Or, as they're known in Virginia, hunters.
That probably was the entire department, so… no harm no foul.
They'll be great at the old good croc, bad croc routine.
They'll be stuck patrolling the cee-ment zoo.
Someone says "See you later, alligator" and they start shooting.
'Cemented' in history as the dipshits who shot that concrete lawn thing of that reptile that isn't even indigenous to the area..
They probably thought the alligator was running a meth lab.
Independence is the Wasilla of Missouri. And not because Palin's the next Harry Truman, either.
Actually, Missouri is kind of the Wasilla of Missouri.
Hey! Kansas City is nice!
Okay….parts of Kansas City are nice.
UPDATE: Fister Roboto hates parts of Kansas City!
Sorry, but murderous, decayed but oh-so-chocked-full-o-character St. Louis is the only redeemable thing about Missouri, well, maybe central KC minus all of its sprawlburbs.
Is there anything or 'body left in St Louis since The Brewery sold out to InBev?
Imagine what they'd do to a black guy just trying to pull his wallet out of his jacket…oh, bad example.
If it was alligator skin, it would be justifiable.
Shooting a concrete gator doesn't do any good, they actually like it.
Makes them rock hard.
A crocodile was turned to stone? Sounds like they have a basilisk on their hands. I hope they have some +5 swords of slaying and plenty of hit points.
Yes, well, whenever you notice something like that… A wizard did it.
They also arrested a blow-up doll for soliciting.
…but only after they each had their way with it…
Then they escorted her back to her campaign bus.
1. I see an excessive-force claim in that lawn alligator's future. The plaintiffs' bar is already champing at the bit.
2. Suburban cops are to real cops as suburban restaurants are to real restaurants.
3. Suburban cop #1 to suburban cops #2 and #3, after they realized their mistake: "We're gonna need a bigger IQ."
To be fair to the cops, the alligator looked black.
And he was reaching for something….
And, what was he doing in this nice, white, suburban neighborhood, anyway? Surely, this is the very definition of "suspicious activity."
They've not accustomed to patrolling gatored communities.
Booming Promo Voice: "In a world, where concrete alligators………"
…"roam freely, it's up to the brave men and women of law enforcement to keep our neighborhoods safe."
You say that you like voiceover artists? Here is a hilarious 4 ½ min. video of the 5 best together in a limo.
Ah, that was greeeaaat!
Yeah, and while y'all are reading the gator its rights, it's sodomizing your family.
Honestly, I don't want to live in a country where we read would-be concrete gators their rights, instead of
torturquestioning them for valuable intelligence.Kindergarten Cops
Hello, police? My neighbor's house is being overrun by gnomes. Can you finally do something about it? And if I bring my own rifle, can I help?
The Travelocity Gnome had better stay out of Independence.
I'm pretty sure the Travelocity Gnome only goes to "travel destinations."
I lived there for 18 years. Other than the site of the Second Coming for Mormons (because Independence is the most God forsaken place in America) it's got nothing but Trumanalia and Mormonalia.
Antiboitics will clear that right up.
"Let us amaze you," is the unofficial motto of the Independence Tourism Department. http://www.visitindependence.com/
Amazed, that's one word for my reaction…
Visit, er, um, maybe next year…
But it was going for it's weapon.
F you downfister. I spent 18 miserable years in Independence, the site of the second coming for Mormons. More likely, they mistook the trigger for their nostril.
Today, I am prouder to be an American than I have ever been before.
USA! USA! USA!
P.S. OMG, I believe downfisty is related to one of these cops. Or maybe the alligator.
~
Idiots! USE CONCRETE BULLETS!!!!
Were their names Lou, Eddie, and Chief Wiggum?
(P. S. Good Ramones reference!)
I'm assuming that the alligator was painted black?
Yup.
In Missouri, they have concrete alligator lawn jockeys…
It also growled with a discernable negro dialect like in all of the good Disney movies. Well, save for the fact that it's an inanimate concrete object.
Somewhere, John Ashcroft is wondering where all this fire power was when he was terrorized by giant, stone naked people at DOJ.
You forgot big busted.
You have to admit, Bullet Ridden Concrete Alligator would make a hell of a band name, or a Nom d' Wonkette.
I'm following #BulletRiddenConcreteAlligator, on the twitter.
I'm afraid to ask what they'd do to one of those bent over lady cut-outs.
Ha ha, those are hilarious!
Maybe the bent over lady would like to meet the Weinermobile!
Too soon?
The alligator was concrete, the cops were stone.
So!
That's why they're always eating donuts…
Guy Noir visits Independence.
Tune in. Turn on. Cop out.
Tastes just like robot chicken.
Oh, shooting spree in Arizona. 5 dead. Again, not a Mexican.
but urban areas are rioting.
Shit! Actual news. I saw it here first.
Not only a Real White American, but one who was defending traditional marriage, by plugging the lawyer who represented his ex-wife in the divorce. His fifth divorce.
That shooter dude is like Braveheart, except his final word was a blood-curdling "Maaarrrriiiiaaaage!"
First of all, are there even alligators in Missouri? I don't thin' so, Lucy…
Well, not any more…
Those cavemen had to ride SOMETHING.
"So then they shot a bunch of minority kids while hearing that music from COPS in their minds…"
Bad Boys, Bad Boys
Bad Boys in Blue!
But, that's what dat song makin' 'em do…
I also remember how the cops beat the evil balloon boy balloon to death with their shovels after they found out there was no kid inside
I figured they did that before realizing he wasn't inside.
Was that cement gator anywhere near the cement pond?
I was recently stuck in a hotel room and discovered the freak show that is "Swamp People" on Discovery. That fine show centers largely on toothless freaks shooting gators. I suspect any one of them could have told these guys it wasn't real, staring with the fact that such reptiles don't live in western Missouri.
It's coming right for us!
Obviously they thought the alligator was bin Laden and they were Seal Team Six. They entered the "compound" with stealth and precision, fired two shote — one to the chest, one to the eye. Back in the Situation Room, the President or Wolf Blitzer or someone watched the raid unfold in real time. They gathered intelligence and looked for porn. Then flew back, heros in their own minds.
Sounds plausible, except for the "gathering intelligence" part. That would have been damn near impossible.
No sense in crying crocodile tears over this. The Missouri Tigers are playing the Florida Gators tonight in softball, and the cops thought some Gator fans were going to do something rude with Harry Truman's grave.
well, when cucumbers kill you can't be too careful about lawn ornaments.
I miss watching Reno 911. This helped a little. Thanks.
I can't wait… I goin' Flamingo hunting this weekend.
What is it you don't like about them, the castanets or the fancy footwork?
They're friggin' Pinkos!
Patience my ass… I'm gonna kill somethin'.
Where are the cops when lawn ornaments need some shooting? I should call for the lawn ornament that appears to be a fat old lady in a polka dot dress bent over a flower bed. Pink Flamingos, why can't we get out the guns and blast them out the yard. I see a whole new branch of police work coming on line.
To scare your concrete neighbors.
The actual answer, from the article:
"The landowner told officers he put the fake gator there to keep children off his property."
Git off mah lawn!
So it's not just the Cops, then? EVERYBODY'S dumb?
It's the Fluoridation.
Floridation is what really makes people dumb.
Well. Air Force General Jack D. Ripper thought so and I trust Our Military implicitly.
See what happens when you allow public servants to have collective bargaining? DO YOU SEE?!?!?!?!
NEVER FORGET1!1!!!!!
This is the same state that produced Pugsly Limbaugh. With that in mind, I'm sure the stupidity does not end with these cops.
Yes, he's FROM Missouri, but he earned his ass boils with an early career on Pittsburgh radio. It wasn't until the ass boils became huge enough to reduce his draft status to 4-F that he became a craven opportunistic neocon in gratitude for not having to go to Vietnam.
Nothing concrete to see here. Move along.
Why two shots? I mean, generally, if you shoot something it will have some kind of reaction (usually not positive). How did they not shoot once and think "Ummmm, maybe it isn't real?"
(Looks at location)
Oh.
Cops are fond of the body mass double-tap followed up by one to the head.
Meaning, they missed with the second shot. Guess it was too fast for 'em.
It might have been on PCP. Can't be too sure, don'cha know.
Squirrel Cop!
MMMMMM Donuts!
Because the concrete Negras is considered impolite.
I actually went to elementary school in Buckner, Missouri, next to Independence, which as late as the 1960s had a decrepit, falling down sign that said: "Nigger, don't let the sun set on you in the town of Buckner."
Alice's Restaurant Massacree, I tells ya.
Wouldn't fit in the tub?
More to the point, why would you have a lawn, or home, or residency in Independence, MO?
The loveliest and sweetest woman I ever met in my life was from Independence MO, so it ain't all bad.
And you took her away from that hellhole, didn't you?
Sadly, no. We were both in Casper Wyoming when we met. She was there for a Little League World Series, I was passing through on my way to the Sturgis motorcycle rally.
Yeah, and Hitler was a vegetarian. Besides that, Mrs. Lincoln, how was the play?
Yeah, I totally went there.
Hitler also invented meth! Of which Independence, Missouri is the world's capital!
Also, AJWjr, the important part of that sentence is "from Independence, MO" as in "no longer there". Or at least for her sake, I hope she isn't.
Just like there are a bunch of cool people FROM Kansas, but not really any currently living there.
Quit being P.C. They where HOODRATS, not minorities
It's was perfectly reasonable to shoot the 'gator after it seemed impervious to multiple hits with a taser.
It was probably on PCP.
And there is the issue of the small "throw-away" gun with no serial number, found in its sock.
Q: How do you know the downfister is righthanded?
A: Because he types with his left.
Ok, seriously our friendly afternoon troll is downfisting furiously on this thread? Dude, this shit is funny.
Funny [fuhn-ee]
providing fun; causing amusement or laughter; amusing; comical:
If we take up a collection, will you go buy yourself a sense of humor? Jeebus…
Oh sure, you laugh now. But you know who ELSE kept concrete alligators on his lawn?????!!!!!!
Steve Irwin?
Medusa?
That would be HER lawn. then.
Okay, now you're just blatantly mining for whore-diamonds. lol
Captain Hook?
Michael Jackson?
I didn't know there were alligators in Missouri, but here is concrete evidence.
Were the cops Steve Guttenberg, Bobcat Goldthwait, and that guy who makes the funny noises?
Oh come on, how can anyone downfist a Police Academy reference?
All I know, which is not much, are that them gator boots are gonna be heavy.
Hey. Dumb fister made a penny. Gotta love Capitalism.
It sounds like a bad episode of the History Channel's Swamp People. Or maybe a good episode? Hell, I just watch it for the unintelligible Cajun accents. Don't judge me.
Them's some good, ol boys they got down there in Missourah, huh?
Isn't there a Statue of Limitations on this sort of thing (oh no – we're getting sideband spill from a Previous Palin Post!).
Seriously now… Full grown Alligators. In Missouri. I guess we all know how well these guys did in High School Science classes.
And then they slurped jell-o shots off each other's bare butts, to celebrate.
I hear it's Pinwheel season! Them's good eatin' too… Mmmmmylar.
Well I hope they water-boarded it just to err on the side of caution
Witnesses are urged to call 1-800-CROC-SHOT
Leave Anthony Weiner alone !!1!
Oh, croc-shot – I read that as crotch-shot. Never mind. Carry on.
I remember when croc was hit, me and rookie just shot that sh*t, shootin' gators in the yard, and the people never knew where their garden gnomes had gone.
But the biggest kick I ever got, was doin' this thing called the crocodile shot. While the other cops were painting sidewalk blots, we were peeling back the caps of some airbrushed concrete crocs.
(say) Naaaaaah! etc.
O/T. but Chris Christie, Christ, fat ass helicopter, baby huey, lipose lipid lip-service cuts a check for his obese rotor ride.
Christie/Bolton '12
Gator takes bullet, bullet bounces off.
Ya can't explain it. C'mon.
That concrete Alligator was against America. It got what it deserved.
I'm so sorry I got to this story late, because I have something worthwhile to add, and most people won't get to see it.
I lived in Missouri for almost 40 years, and Independence for about 8. Independence cops are unbelievable. I can assure you those three were among the cream of the force. Probably senior management. "Captain Jackson, I think he's still alive. Should I fetch the riot gun?" Considered the most racist police force in the metro area, and second to only LAPD nationally.
Additionally, the ex mayor was arrested, WHILE IN OFFICE, for stealing as many coats from the coat room as he could carry, from the restaurant that he had just had dinner in, and gotten very drunk in. Keep in mind, Independence is over 100 thousand people, and is plop in the middle of the KC metro area.
Over the past 20 years, I have watched Missouri basically turn into Mississippi. If you can avoid it, don't move there. Racism and ignorance reign. Republicans win almost every statewide race, so more and more insane legislation is coming forward.
I honestly don't know what has happened to Missouri since 2008, how you can go from almost giving the state to Obama (the difference was less than a quarter of a percent) to completely regressing to looking like Dems don't have a chance in 2012. Missouri has generally been counted on to at least be competitive in recent cycles; unlike the South, it has large enough cities that if you play the game right, conservative Dems can still get elected at dfferent levels of the state. I mean, the current gov is a Dem, so it's not impossible, but that was before the craziness of the Tea Party had metasticized itself to the nation.
Blame Kansas for stealing Kansas City's swingy suburbanite growth and Illinois for stealing STL's urbans. That said, I kinda think ass-backwards is Missouri's natural state. I mean, we are talking about the home of the Ozarks here. (I say this as a native Kansas Citian who grew up going to the Lake of the Ozarks every summer)
Being a Missouri boy (Ray and Clay Counties) who hasn't been back since the late 60's; I'm pretty sure I'll just keep it that way.
But, my friend, you ended up in Georgia! All it is is Missouri with more jobs and more humidity and more black people and more Mexicans.
I'll be moving on one way or the other, but not back to Missouri. BTW, more black people and Messicans is better than a steady diet of cracker-ass fucktards.
There is a troll here, who in his futile frustration
Reads all of our words with a deep fascination
He thumbs down the comments with great enthusiasm
Then he thinks of his Mommy, and has an orgasm
He brags to his 'friends' over at Breitfart's TV-site
But the problem, you see, is that his head isn't right
Safe in Mom's basement, he eats his Cheetos and fries
And poisons the world with his pathetic, filthy lies
He can't get a date – he wouldn't know how to please her
So he jerks off in shame, there behind the old freezer
He's a big handsome stud – in his twisted, little mind
But what he really wants is to sex Mom from behind
In defense of the police officers, maybe they misheard and thought they were shooting a person *wearing* crocs, which is completely justifiable.
The Lawn'n'Garden store was all out of those cut-out silhouettes with the polka-dotted bloomers?
Par for the course for the Blow Me State.
Obviously, none of you have ever spent an hour at an alligator farm waiting for one of the damn things to move.
Please notify the authorities that there is a lady exposing herself at the Department of Justice.
Born and raised in Missouri, I left in my late twenties. In my own defense I can state that I was not particularly interested in anything during most of those years if I couldn't eat it or fuck it, or both. I do know we had some really dumb cops, though. Hell, I was one of them.
If he invented meth, does that mean he's to blame for Palin and her offspring?
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