mr. phoney baloney

Mittens Is In: Romney Officially Declares, Finally

Mitt gives a big hand to Mitt.Capping off perhaps the most exciting pre-campaign campaign since fictional candidate Tim Pawlenty’s campaign was accidentally announced on a website on a Sunday night, Mitt Romney today announced he was really doing that thing he has been doing non-stop since approximately 1996: running for president. The health-reform Mormon returned to his roots in liberal Massachusetts New Hampshire (where he bought rented a giant farm specifically so he could do this in New Hampshire), where he woodenly recited his talking points and was politely applauded by paid staffers and family members.

Romney bought (rented? borrowed?) the 300-acre landmark so he would have a backdrop for his presidential campaign announcement. Most people just get some banners and a PA system or whatever, but Mitt Romney is one of the wealthiest men in America, so he just bought somehow got this gazillion-dollar farm in a state where he doesn’t even live. Why not?

From the NYT blogs:

Mr. Romney made his candidacy official at a family farm, where he invited supporters and media to a “Cookout With Mitt and Ann.” Under clear but windy skies and with tractors and hay bales as a backdrop, Mr. Romney hopes to send the message that he intends to win New Hampshire’s first-in-the-nation primary.

Related video

The choice of the Bittersweet Farm for his announcement is an interesting one for Mr. Romney, who regularly argues for a smaller federal government that spends less. The rolling green hills of the farm were preserved in recent years in part with $1 million in federal money, according to a recent report in Seacoast Online.

Another gazillionaire welfare farmer. OR NOT, god you guys. Didn’t he buy some mansion in New Hampshire? Is this not it? Ugh, nobody’s MUCH HELP. [NYT]

Related

About the author

Wonkette Jr., everybody! Hooray!

View all articles by Wonkette Jr.

Hola wonkerados.

To improve site performance, we did a thing. It could be up to three minutes before your comment appears. DON'T KEEP RETRYING, OKAY?

Also, if you are a new commenter, your comment may never appear. This is probably because we hate you.

186 comments

    1. Negropolis

      And boy will they be ignoring this guy…again. Doesn't he get how out of touch with his party he is? Unless you're screaming about second amendment remedies, you ain't going to be heard, Mitt. BTW, don't even try it, 'cause you suck as an actor. Keanu Reeves has better acting chops than you.

  1. pinkocommi

    I'm looking forward to the tweet of a picture of Mittens' wiener in that special Mormon underwear.

    1. Ruhe

      Good luck with that. I hear that one of the more magical features of LDS underwear is that it scrambles the memory chips of any nearby cameras so Mormons are basically amateur porno proof.

      1. HistoriCat

        So that's why Utah is the nation's biggest consumer of the professional stuff …

      2. DahBoner

        Didn't work for Belladonna:

        "I had to do a lot of things I can't imagine anyone wanting to do."

        That's the trouble with Mormon porn stars–they have no imagination…

    2. lochnessmonster

      where he "woodenly" recited his talking points…guess we missed the photo!

  2. nounverb911

    If elected, Mitt plans on putting Joe Miller in a dog carrier on the roof of Air Force One.

  3. freakishlywrong

    Bittersweet Farm? Really? Get the fuck outta here! That's what I'm calling his campaign from this moment on.

    1. mrpuma2u

      I believe it will turn bittersweet very quickly, with the Palin/Paultard mouth breathers screaming for his head on a routine basis. I just hope he has to face a few of them close up in the Iowa caucuses.

    2. Callyson

      Bitter…because owned by Mittens.
      Sweet…because it is counting on being sold promptly after the 2012 election.

    1. Buckminster

      He never had my vote, but after hearing the dog story, I want to send him to the nearest vet to be neutered.

  4. Come here a minute

    Since Mitt's new farm has so much space, I'm sure he won't mind if Sarah's bus parks there overnight, and the kids take the dirt bikes out on the rolling green hills.

  5. ifthethunderdontgetya

    where he woodenly recited his talking points

    Again with the penis? Don't people know there are working stiffs out there who are finding it hard to get a job?

    P.S. Who wants to bet that tomorrow, our elite press corps will still be engorged with talk of Weiner's wiener rather than Mitten's mutterings?
    ~

  6. prommie

    Suddenly I am sooo tired, I am yawning and I can't keep my eyes open. Its such a boring afternoon. Boring, tiring, yawn. . . . .

    1. SayItWithWookies

      You better rest up, then — Pawlenty'll be making his announcement any week now, and the repercussions from that will probably make the whole country feel like it's Friday afternoon after a heavy lunch.

      1. WriteyWriterton

        Republican Presidential candidates, Melatonin, Ambien, or L-Tryptophane as an insomnia remedy.

        Compare and contrast.

  7. mrpuma2u

    So he kicks off his campaign on "Bittersweet Farm" that just received a megabuck of socialist tax dollars. Damn your fancy Cadillac tractor driving welfare queen ass, Mittens!!! F*$% RINO.

    1. SayItWithWookies

      He's just sticking to his values — lying, like charity, begins at home.

  8. Barb

    He reminds me of the actor they select to play the American President in a Canadian movie. He could actually win this thing if he gets the "soccer mom" vote. (and marries all of them)

    1. Lascauxcaveman

      Lotta soccer moms are still carrying the torch for Barry O. I don't see Mitt taking many of them away. Especially the ones paying attention to what he says, is, stands for.

  9. YasserArraFeck

    It's not real until I see Mittens out there on his "lawnmachine" clearing brush.

  10. nounverb911

    "was politely applauded by paid staffers"
    Mitt is so boring he has to pay people to applaud him?

      1. AJWjr.

        And she fucked her domestic help, too. Didn't result in any bastard offspring like herr governator's dalliance did, but it helped keep her from being elected. Well done, CA.

    1. Dashboard_Jesus

      "and was politely applauded by paid staffers AND family members" …hell it looks like Mittens even has to pay his FAMILY to applaud/ vote for him?

  11. Poindexter718

    The Mittens/Tea-Paw deathmatch should be fascinatin­g, as it represents the clash of two axioms of GOP politics: nominate the guy who's next in line versus nominate the guy who puts the entire line to sleep.

    1. Negropolis

      I think it's nominate the guy who's next in line versus the guy who is next in line to the next-in-line.

  12. Goonemeritus

    Cool now I can finally finish my declared Republican candidate position Venn diagram. I have found if you included a Hermann Goering circle the similarities become much clearer.

      1. Goonemeritus

        How can you avoid Nazi comparisons with these guys it’s like writing bio piece on Raquel Welch and not mentioning breasts?

        1. WriteyWriterton

          Not arguing. Agreeing. (But you're REALLY dating yourself with the Raquel Welch reference.)

          1. Goonemeritus

            You kid’s, I suppose I should have used Rula Lenska to make it more current and hip.

          2. WriteyWriterton

            Rula Lenska? Wow!

            Dude, I'll bet I'm older than you. I just wouldn't think of the current Raquel Welch and "breasts" right away without feeling a bit queasy.

          3. Goonemeritus

            I once had a boss who said the best part about getting older is there is a bigger percentage of women that he finds attractive. That said you're right about a current day Raquel or Rula for that matter.

          4. WriteyWriterton

            I agree with your boss – further evidence of my pathetically advanced age.

          5. Chet Kincaid

            And in conclusion, tits! Jeez fellas, focus.

            Did you see Battle Of The Network Stars last night? How about the rack on that Adrienne Barbeau?!

      1. FNMA

        Marty Stuart. Old buddy of Johnny Cash. Was dropped by Columbia when he protested Johnny being cut from the label. When Pops Staples died, Marvis gave Marty one of Pops' guitars. Yeah, the hair and the get-up, it's a bit over the top…

        Fun Fact about Del McCoury: His full first name is Delano and he was named for FDR and has stayed true to his namesake. Good guy.

  13. Weenus299

    "I'm going to be the one to get my ass kicked in 2012!"
    "No, I'M the one who will get my ass kicked in 2012."
    ME!"
    "NO, ME! I kicked more old ladies out of their homes!"
    "Oh yeah?! Well I kept people out of work from paying their bills, AAANND I'm going to make poor people pay all their doctor bills with their children!"

  14. Lionel[redacted]Esq

    So, Mitt decided to announce his candidacy at a "cookout" for the media at government subsidized farm. I'm sure the 'baggers will have no problem with that.

    And, now that we know who the GOP front runner that will collapse into oblivion is, the question comes down to who will bring just enough craziness to the nomination. My money is still on David Koresh Michelle Bachmann, but I'm still willing to be surprised.

    1. anniegetyerfun

      Nah, the Teabaggers are fine with government subsidies as long as they are going to white people. Now, if a black woman owned the Bittersweet Farm, we'd have some fightin'.

  15. KeepFnThatChicken

    Another way to say this: "And he's already created one job! Joe Miller's!"

  16. RadioJr.

    Mitt, can you tell us that story again about how lovely Paris was during the Vietnam Era?

    1. Texan_Bulldog

      And how all your gazillion sons serve the USA by working on your campaign. I bet he doesn't whip that chestnut out again.

    2. weejee

      Aw Radio, you're playing the Chickenhawk card on a guy to battled rugby players in Paris and was attacked by a pedophile papist on a Bordeaux country lane?

  17. SorosBot

    Is the campaign preseason over already? But I don't see any star players on the field coming on the field now, just the same group of crappy scrubs and untrained rookies who've been playing the exhibition campaigning.

    1. Ruhe

      Oh, we're into the real season alright. It just looks like endless preseason because Mitt plays for the Bengals.

  18. Callyson

    The rolling green hills of the farm were preserved in recent years in part with $1 million in federal money
    OK, as boring as Mittens is, I *am* interested to see what Joe Miller and the rest of the teabaggers do with this gem…

    1. DaRooster

      I truly can't wait to see them (R- candidates) rip each other to shreds with their back stabbing, vile shit… it's gonna be fun!
      At least until Diebold determines the final election… to end ALL elections.

  19. BloviateMe

    This is horrible, even ghastly masturbation material, when it comes down to it.

  20. WriteyWriterton

    Mitt Romney – the man whose bread always lands jelly-side down AND jelly-side up.

  21. Texan_Bulldog

    I think if Mitt runs on the "I'm White" platform, he's a shoo-in. Poor Herman Cain–it'll probably be another couple hundred years before we're ready for another black president, although I was looking forward to 'a pizza in every oven' campaign he was going to run on.

  22. jus_wonderin

    Oh joy. Now if Perry gets in, well, it makes finding the GOP Hair Apparent much more difficult.

  23. WhatTheHeck

    Fool. He should have started off his campaign wearing black leather chaps with his legs astride a hog and saying how lovely the fumes were.

  24. DaRooster

    He bought a FARM?

    Get a friggin' BUS Dude… Old McDonald had a farm… and he's old. Bus is the new farm.

    1. DahBoner

      Yeah, farming isn't cool anymore, unless you have an organic farm with naked hippy chicks…

  25. Sharkey

    JUNIOR! Nowhere in the article does it say he "bought" the farm. It refers to "a family farm", "the farm", and "a nice farm". NOT "his farm".

    A little reading comprehension here, mmmkay?

  26. Texan_Bulldog

    Hell, another shooting rampage in AZ — 5 dead so far. WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH AZ?

    1. C_R_Eature

      It's not just Arizona. Unfortunately.

      Hey there, Mr LaPierre…can we go over this "An Armed Society is a Polite Society" theory of yours again? I'm still not getting it.

  27. OC_Surf_Serf

    Mittens,

    You will not win.

    Send gazillion dollar consultant fee to:

    OC_Serf_Surf
    Meme Mezzanine
    69 Wonkette Plaza
    Anusburger Lane, DC

  28. elviouslyqueer

    Romney blamed the president for high unemployment, rising gasoline prices, falling home values and a soaring national debt.

    Uh, Mitt? 2007 is on the phone and would like a word with you.

  29. MozakiBlocks

    Speaking of GOP morans, apparently Chris Christie is getting ready to hold a press conference to address the helicopter ride.

    And the media will just ignore it. Why do a story on the misuse of government property and resources, when you can run around with your hair on fire screaming about a Democratic Congressman's COCK??????!!!!!!?????

    1. anniegetyerfun

      Because IT'S A PENIS. Penises are extremely serious business. Unlike, say, corruption.

    2. fuflans

      to be fair, if i were a msm type, i would use any excuse to cover anthony and any excuse to back quietly away from the christie mound.

  30. Billmatic

    Guys it's ordained that Rick Perry will be the GOP nomination.

    1. Successfully ran a rebranding campaign which transformed him from Bush-era yesman to anti-establishment outsider, will appeal to Teabaggers who are proven to care little for facts.
    2. The fact that he actually is a good ole boy Bush crony will please rank and file Republicans.
    3. Will do anything and everything a corporation pays him to do.
    4. Phenomenal hair, great electability.
    5. Tests highly in the all important "Would you like to have a beer with him?" polling category.
    6. Texans are never boring.

    He's like Action Figure Mitt Romney without all the Health Care/Mormon stuff. Did I mention he has a Kung-Fu Grip?

  31. JustPixelz

    Obama is doomed. How can he run against the governor who crossed party lines to work with Ted Kennedy on health insurance reform for Massachusetts? Doomed.

  32. VinnyThePooh

    Sarah is in MarthaStewartshire too. Stepping on Mittens toes. Shit's on. Mormon vs. Moron. *ding-ding*

      1. flamingpdog

        Mmm. so downfisty is a fan of Boone's Farm? Guess mom had better put a lock on the frig now.

      2. finallyhappy

        Does it still exist? I nthe 70's, my dad told me it would kill me- he said Boone's farm apple wine was pure poison. He offered to buy me better stuff- but we wanted Boone's Farm.

  33. Fare la Volpe

    That ring finger's looking awfully bare. Just one? Mormon Jesus is disappoint.

  34. BloviateMe

    "Mittens Is In: Romney Officially Declares, Finally"

    I wish Anthony would run, so we can get a "Weiner is in, finally" story line.

  35. neiltheblaze

    Right – but how did his wimpy cookout stack up against John McCain's awesome barbeque – with his signature anusburgers slathered with his secret recipe poblano BBQ sauce? Hmmmm? If somebody from Politico or Newsweek was there, I'm sure we could find out.

    This must be good news for John McCain.

  36. Slim_Pickins

    Wonkette Jr., I think I have it figured out. You're anonymous because you're paying Wonkette for the privilege of posting rather than the other way around.

      1. WriteyWriterton

        Ken! Good to hear from you. These must be stressful times, what with the Darwinian competition for employment raging at your place. Glad to know you're still alive. (Well, at least we know you're avatar is still active.)

        1. AJWjr.

          How do we know it's Ken, though? Suppose his account got hacked, as seems to be all the rage lately? Dick pic or GTFO!

      2. SheriffRoscoe

        My commenter account is paid in full right up through the year 2050, Ken. What, my Ameros aren't good enough for this place?

        1. WriteyWriterton

          SR: How did you finance your payment to Wonkette?

          Fyi, I used the power of home equity – mine and other people's: I took out a second mortgage with Countrywide. I also bought a lot of CDO's from Goldman Sachs, which they told me were GREAT investments.

  37. Mort_Sinclair

    I love that the teabaggers are going to turn on Mittens and his Magic Mormon Underwear. Let them have a little fun with the Angel Moroni (how aptly named) and the Jews of Mexico. Bring it on!

  38. BlueStateLibel

    The guy is really a glutton for punishment, isn't he? Poor lady America must endlessly repeat, "No means no, Mitt!" Don't you get it, Mitt? She (America) is just not into you.

    1. WriteyWriterton

      He doesn't even rate the decorous peck on the cheek on the porch, after the long boring date, where he insisted on telling Lady A what he got in every course he took in B-School.

      He must live in an impermeable bubble of self-of-steam.

  39. Eve8Apples

    Soooo, let's see what is going on the world today. Hey, is that Snowbilly riding on a bus? What are Snowbilly and Trump up to today? Did they share a slurpee at the 7-11?

  40. Wilcoxyz

    Best part is, Palin's gonna bait this guy all campaign long with her media whoring and ignorant carping and he can't say shit about it, or the tea-tards will destroy him.

  41. SheriffRoscoe

    It's definitely Romney's turn. We owe him that much for being such a nice loser in 2008. Besides, I'm looking forward to all the linguistic gymnastics he performs when Obama thanks him, publicly, in each and every debate, for doing such an excellent job with health care in Massachusetts.

    1. WriteyWriterton

      I'd like someone to ask him about the Mormon practice of converting dead Jews, (because I need to get into Heaven to be with my lapsed-Catholic-y spouse after we kick it), but I suspect the religion thing will be off-limits. Sigh…

  42. Fox n Fiends

    That why it needs to be called the Reagan-Bush Deficit, along with the 2nd Bush-Iraq War and the Republican Economic Collapse of 2008.

  43. prommie

    Off Topic, but a thing of beauty: Anthony Weiner said today, to the press, "I was perhaps, you'll forgive me, a little stiff yesterday."

    I now officially love this man.

    Credit to TPM

    1. anniegetyerfun

      Be careful – you might now permanently be linked to him, in some sort of made-up, online relationship, after having made that declaration.

  44. flamingpdog

    George Romney: Brainwash.
    Mitt Romney: Brain bleach.

    Raquel Welch: Brain candy.

  45. easybaked

    So Mittens is taking the whole family with him on the campaign trail?

    This is not good news for Seamus.

  46. jakegittes

    I actually posted on Breitbart that Romney wasn't a real Christian and that he's a RINO. I'm getting lots of support for that statement from the NotsoBrightBarters. Sweet Jeeezus.

  47. VinnyThePooh

    I used to commute through Stratham for two years. We're not exactly talking about humble people of the Earth here. Homes started around $650k. A short, ten minute drive down 108 will get you to the Omega House, for chrissakes.

    1. fuflans

      damn. i dated a blueblood who went to exeter, family came over on the mayflower or some such.

      i made him propose to me in a bar in chicago.

      he was very nice but i decided i needed to be an actor.

      probably not well thought through on my part.

  48. user-of-owls

    So many M&M jokes just low-fruit hangin':

    Mormon & Megalomaniac 2012! (Romney/Palin)
    Mittens & Mole-rat 2012! (Romney/Guiliani)
    Mitt & Man-Servant 2012! (Romney/Cain)
    Mormon & Minnesota-psychotic 2012! (Romney/Bachmann)

    …and on it goes. More? Please contact Owls.com.edu.sex by clicking the reply button below. Oh, and do not be alarmed by the 20,000 pop-up windows advertising things not appropriate for a family-friendly blog like Wonkette. Chances are your IT people are too busy surfing said sites to notice your, um, unauthorized usage.

  49. freddymcmurray

    The GOP's great white hope isn't great. And he's hopeless. But he IS white! Yay us.

  50. Negropolis

    "Bittersweet Farm"

    Honestly, isn't that the entire story, right there? Everything about this guy just screams loser, but bless his heart, he's going to try until he fails, again. Someone needs to take Mitt to the side, explain to him that he has oodles of money, a beautiful wife, a gaggle of children, and literally a tribe of grandchildren, and that that should be enough.

    Willard, STOP it; just fucking STOP IT, already. This is getting sad and pitiful.

  51. Negropolis

    Mitt, you're going to have to do some crazy shit this time to get any attention. Until I see you decked out offensively as an Injun and tossing tea into your native Boston Harbor surrounded by Fox News cameras, who the fuck cares? Honestly, who the fuck really cares, Willard?

    I have bowel movements more exciting than Willard. I have DMV visits more memorable, gas station trips more fulfilling, hours-long marathons of American Pickers programming more educational, etc…you get the point, Willard.

  52. crybabyboehner

    Junior, please ask you dad where he keeps that photo of Mitt in the fudge factory.

  53. crybabyboehner

    How will Republican leaders across the Deep South ask their fellow Christians to vote for a Mormon?

    "Hey, at least he ain't a nigra."

  54. ttommyunger

    Sure, Mitt, go for it. I used to think if I pinned a towel around my neck it would be like a Superman Cape and I could fly. Sure, go for it, Mitt… Loser!

Comments are closed.