anybody but mittens!

Joe Miller (Remember Him?) Leading Nevada (?) ‘Stop Romney’ Campaign

Ivy League welfare farmer.Beloved welfare farmer and shaving opponent Joe Miller (R-Loser) finally has a political job! Don’t worry, Ivy League Joe still didn’t get elected to anything. Miller is just the chairman of some new Teabagger group dedicated to defeating the evil Mormon liberal elitist French-speaking Obamacare advocate from Taxachusetts, Mitt Romney. “In a matchup against Obama, Tea Party voters are looking for a consistent constitutional conservative,” says Greasy Joe in some press release sent to Wonkette for some reason. “We will never get behind Mitt Romney. On issues like gun rights, gay rights, abortion, immigration, and health care, Romney has flipped more than John Kerry flopped.”

But Miller also hates Sarah Palin, even though she is the only Consistent Constitutional Conservative in World History, according to the Constitution, which she wrote. So who will be the teabagger candidate of choice? Herman “Mc”Cain? Arnold Sperminator? Chuck Norris? Larry Craig? Glenn Beck’s timeslot on Fox News?

“As of right now, we’re not making an endorsement on who should be the Republican nominee,” said Executive Director Bryan Shroyer. “We just know that if Mitt Romney wins the nomination, we’ll be looking at a repeat of Bob Dole’s feckless 1996 campaign and a landslide defeat.”

ABM! Anybody But Mittens!

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177 comments

    1. WriteyWriterton

      Joe Miller = Inigo Montoya? William Goldman thanks you for the product-placement.

      1. Lascauxcaveman

        More likely barfing on his shoes. That'd be like casting Steve Buscemi as Zorro, or d'Artagnan.

        1. WriteyWriterton

          I like that analogy. The thought of SB in one of those roles makes me smile.

          1. Lascauxcaveman

            And you have to admit, there'd be no one better to play the lead in Political Frontiersman: The Joe Miller Story.

  1. Not_So_Much

    Why doesn't he just sing the Monty Python "Spam" song but use the word "Guns" instead? Be more entertaining, anywhoo…

    1. weejee

      'Cause the Michele (Bachmann, not our beloved FLOTUS with two Ls) has glommed the political copyright for that and she'll be using it when she announces her candidacy in her birther town of Waterloo, IA. Spam, of course, being one of Minnesota's prime bits of corporate pork (both figuratively and literally). And while in a parenthetical mood, can Michele be so totally unaware of the name significance of Waterloo? Oh yes she can! She's not seen as being batshit crazy for nothin'.

  2. freakishlywrong

    They never fucking shut up about what they hate, don't want, are against. I can't ever seem to figure out what these ignorant hillbillies are about.

      1. freakishlywrong

        But they're considered a "grass roots political force". The determine electoral outcomes in this God and legitimate journalism forsaken country. They've become self aware.

        1. ManchuCandidate

          They're not really self aware. They're more attention seekers who go to where the attention is plentiful like pathetic fame whores to reality TV shows. If they were self aware they'd figure out why they can't ever be happy.

          Problem is for most of these rageaholics is that (as you pointed out) you have to be for something besides againing (sic) it. I've met more than my share of folks like Joe–if I hadn't smartened up myself, I might have been one.

    1. Weenus299

      They're about four feet tall, live in trees and are so cute they make you vomit. Yub-yub!

    2. Diabeetis

      I don't think it's quite accurate to say that Teabaggers are "hillbillies", per se. The majority of them seem to be downwardly-mobile suburbanite booboisie who don't realize they're being duped by the same people who are fleecing them.

      Besides, my mom's side of the family is from Appalachia and about half of them are loyal Democrats, and most of the rest of them don't even vote.

    1. Bonzos_Bed_Time

      For the record, The Art of Shaving unscented cream is wonderful stuff.
      Bonzo highly endorses it without any of this guy's reservation!

  3. Callyson

    Let me guess…this will turn out the same way W's search for a Veep in 2000 did, when the person who was supposed to be doing the searching ended up nabbing the job himself. It's Miller time!

  4. Barb

    The Teabaggers don't even know that the tax rate is at a historic low. They don't just want to be taxed less, they want to be taxed less by a white guy.

      1. Not_So_Much

        Yes, but these are the "job creators", silly. If they paid taxes, then we might have an un/underemployment problem and jobs would move offshore. This dystopian hellscape that they keep cautioning us against is, apparently, somehow different than, you know, today…

      1. BarryOPotter

        A "constitutional" guy.

        Don't ask. You'll only end up poking your eye out from aggressive face-palming.

      1. JoeBiteme

        "The victim described her attacker as caucasian, 6'1" and "a total fucking mouthbreather…"

    1. m_supercomputer

      Not strictly related, but I couldn't miss a chance to post one of my favorite Mystery Science Theater 3000 quotes: "Every frame of this film looks like someone's last known photograph."

        1. Doktor Zoom

          Manos: The Hands of Fate.

          (You know, there's this thing called "Google"…snark aside, with most browsers, you can just highlight the words you wanna look up, right-click, and then do a search)

          (Yeah, I'm just one of those people)

      1. freakishlywrong

        A million pees for a MiSTi quote! One of mine was always "Do farts have lumps"? Which ole' Joey there could also be thinking.

  5. tihond

    Don't worry Mittens… If you don't win the presidency, after you die, your Mormon peeps will baptize you as one.

    1. SexySmurf

      After he dies he get's to be the God of his own planet. Can you image an entire planet run by Mittens? (shudder).

      1. WriteyWriterton

        He'd leverage the planet, sell off the handful of valuable assets, fire everyone, and put the planet in Chapter 11.

  6. mavenmaven

    Is everyone from Alaska relocating to the Southwest? This is like the Okie migration to California, only instead of migrating because of the famine, they are migrating because of the stoopid.

  7. freakishlywrong

    Oh and Joe? (Why are they all named Joe?) Joe? It doesn't matter what mouth-breathing, rabidly insane consistent constitutional conservative you fascists nominate, you're going down, bitches.

    1. NorthStarSpanx

      I don't know, his top hired goon went into Witness Protection while the rest are going on trial for plotting to kill a judge, his family and the grocery baggers cause they aint real Teabaggers.

      1. NorthStarSpanx

        Downfister busy today, harshing the mellow of the forum the way they overrun the HuffPost.

  8. SayItWithWookies

    Ah, summertime in Alaska — when 22 hours a day of sunlight flushes even the pale tortured losers out from under their rocks.

  9. hollywooddood

    Would someone please get this guy a shower? And some accessories. Anyone have a paper bag?

  10. SorosBot

    “We just know that if Mitt Romney wins the nomination, we’ll be looking at a repeat of Bob Dole’s feckless 1996 campaign and a landslide defeat.”

    And if someone acceptable to you teabbing idiots wins the nomination, you'll be looking at a repeat of Barry Goldwater's crazed 1964 campaign and a much bigger landslide defeat.

      1. genxr

        I dunno, I'm kind of enjoying this "not initiating a global nuclear war" thing we have going here.

    1. timbo71351

      Where the hell does this angry loser and his asshole spokesman get off on insulting Bob Dole like that? Dole was a war hero, served in the House and Senate for decades, reinvented himself as America's grumpy old man. Miller doesn't have a job and he looks like a washed up porno actor.

  11. Come here a minute

    I never thought I would have anything in common with Joe Miller, but I, too, am hoping for "a repeat of Bob Dole’s feckless 1996 campaign and landslide defeat."

    1. Pres[EXTERMINATE!!]

      1. Hold pen in arm paralyzed in war injury
      2. Refer to self in third person
      3. Fall off stage
      4. ????
      5. PRESIDENCY!
      6. Oops… Viagra commercials

      The thing is, if Republicans stay true to form, they WILL nominate Mittens, because it's His Turn. Just like it was McCain's turn in 2008 (unsuccessful primary run in 2000), Dole's turn in 1996 (unsuccessful VP run in 1976, unsuccessful primary runs in 1980 and 1988), Bush Senior's in 1992 (unsuccessful primary run in 1980), and Reagan's in 1980 (unsuccessful primary run in 1976). Sometimes it works out OK for them, sometimes it doesn't, and when it doesn't, it's pretty spectacular.

    1. WriteyWriterton

      Oh, my, yes, nv911 (and Giuliani does envy 911, btw). If, however, they come home and stink up the Comiskey-Cell, I'll be displeased. Reinsdorf fears my wrath, though, for some reason, he never takes my calls.

    2. WriteyWriterton

      Am I right in recalling you're the Yankee fan? Hate to do you folks a favor, as I grew up a Yankee-hater, but I'll take Ws wherever we get them.

      My grandfather – bless his Bolshevik heart – used to call the Yankees the "Chaim Yonkels."

  12. littlebigdaddy

    Bob Dole's "feckless" campaign? Wasn't he the Viagra spokesman? Or was that later?

    1. tihond

      In '96, it was accurate to describe his campaign as limp and flaccid, unable to please even the staunchest republican supporter with the "angle of his dangle."

  13. zappadoo76

    Miller sent this press release to Wonkette because he knew it was the only place where it could actually get published. And as we know, any publicity is good publicity.

    1. SheriffRoscoe

      Not to mention keeping the "hired goon" unemployment rate down too, as an unintended side benefit.

    2. ChapterUndVerse

      Ah, c'mon, metamarcisf…you could stop Romney's momentum only by getting behind him with a jet-propelled engine. As near as I can tell, he's actually moving backwards. Although I hear that the laws of physics not only don't apply to politics, but are actively suspended for a significant minority of the electorate.

  14. byepluto

    He reminds me of House, if the good Dr thought that minimum wage was raping the constitution.

  15. prommie

    "Constitutional" = "white." Its the Teatards' favorite word, and to them it just means "white." Christian, also, you betcha!

  16. hagajim

    Who will be the teabagger candidate? It doesn't matter because all of them suck balls.

  17. SheriffRoscoe

    Joe Miller. The Libertarian opposed to gay rights. Let that sink in for a moment.

      1. SheriffRoscoe

        Conservative Christians like the sound of the word "libertarianism," it's when they get into the nitty-gritty of not having a clue as to what words actually mean that they get into trouble.

        1. WriteyWriterton

          Agreed, I like much of the actual Libertarian agenda, which dovetails in places with the Bill off Rights' emphasis on individual liberty and privacy. These Teapublicans, however, have no clue what's in any amendment other than the 10th, and they don't understand that terribly well. Just loved Rand Paul wanting to imprison people for listening to radical speech. They guy knows as much about libertarian philosophy as he does about ophthalmology.

        2. Diabeetis

          I think a lot of them are just claiming to be libertarian because "conservative" has such a slightly tarnished reputation now.

    1. SayItWithWookies

      Rights are for corporations, as The LORD intended. People, with their needs such as food and medical care, just get in the way of commerce.

  18. Goonemeritus

    Got to go with Joe on this, the Tea Party should stand firm against anyone that won’t protect America from the evils of fluoridation.

    1. Tundra Grifter

      weejee: Did you ever see the movie "School for Scoundrels?" There's a scene at the beginning where a used car salesman is painting treads on a tire.

  19. SilverTsunami

    "says Greasy Joe in some press release sent to Wonkette for some reason."

    Some reason? Because they love you!

  20. lowaltflier

    If the Rainbow flag turns me Gay. I think I’ve found the antidote. Just look at that picture

    Not that there’s anything wrong with that.

  21. KeepFnThatChicken

    Romney has flipped more than John Kerry flopped.

    Two things. First, Kerry? Really?! Other than his Senate seat, he's not running for anything else. Cheap shots are really unnecessary — but they do reinforce and illustrate the demographic that buys his horseshit.

    Second, I hearken back to the 2004 Repugnican Convention. Dubya would invoke Kerry, and the crowd would yell "Sieg! Heil!" "Flip! Flop! Flip! Flop!" I hate that man, just for encouraging those drooling idiots to say those meaningless words — compared to "Where did you say the WMD's were, again, George?".

    1. occams8ball

      I agree. I read an interview with an R delegate after the convention. "My favorite souvenirs were the flip flops and the purple heart band aids." Finally I get to vent.

  22. Poindexter718

    I quite enjoyed the potshot at Sen. Dole by this swarthy pussy, who somehow managed to lose as the GOP Senate nominee in freaking Alaska. But if you really want to make the point, Joe, may i be so bold as to suggest a slight revision when referring to the distinguished Republican lawmaker and combat veteran: "…we’ll be looking at a repeat of INCONTINENT BORE Bob Dole’s feckless 1996 campaign and a landslide defeat …"

  23. NorthStarSpanx

    Guess they couldn't rehash Sarah Palin's joke to Alaska Guardsmen in Kuwait about John Kerry having a 'long face,' given that Bristol remodeled her chin.

  24. Lionel[redacted]Esq

    So, does this confirm that Mitt Romney is the first black candidate for the Republican nomination?

  25. genxr

    “We just know that if Mitt Romney wins the nomination, we’ll be looking at a repeat of Joe Miller’s feckless 2010 campaign and a landslide defeat.”

    /fixed

  26. Redhead

    As far as not endorsing Palin – the Constitution also didn't give women the right to vote, so at least they're consistent on THAT point.

  27. Crank_Tango

    well one thing Joe Miller is not is feckless.

    He has a lot of feck–he's the biggest feckin tool around.

  28. Terry

    At times like these, I could almost feel sorry for Romney…..but his shameless running from most things he stood for while governor really prevents any sympathy from developing. Mitt has been trying to court the loonies and this is what comes of that.

  29. user-of-owls

    Coming on RedState:

    Send a quadrazillion factorial pairs of flip-flops to the Mormon and the Mick today!

  30. Mort_Sinclair

    As a Massachusetts liberal, if Miller wants to drive a stake through the heart of the bemittened dog-torturer, I'm pretty much fine with that as long as there's someone right on deck to drive a stake through the heart of that walking arctic tundra-turd Joe Miller.

  31. CapeClod

    You have to be a political genius to win the nomination for the Senate from the dominant political party in your state only to lose the election to a write-in candidate with a comically difficult to spell last name.

  32. BarackMyWorld

    "…consistent constitutional conservative…"

    Who are they kidding? James Madison himself wouldn't be good enough for these fuckers.

  33. bloodandirony

    So Miller plans to deny Mitt the GOP nomination, so he can go on to win a write-in-campaign?

  34. Diabeetis

    Nah, they won't do that. For all their talk about "RINO's" and how pathetic the GOP is, most of them will likely fall in line and vote for whoever get nominated because they're so desperate to vote Obama out of office.

  35. mariser

    "…says Greasy Joe in some press release sent to Wonkette "

    THAT. that right there is comedy gold. GOLD

    1. emmelemm

      OK, I'm just bumping this to the top of "Last Activity" because that link, right there, is fucking comedy gold and everyone needs to read it.

      Seriously.

  36. DahBoner

    "Beloved welfare farmer and shaving opponent Joe Miller (R-Loser) finally has a political job"

    Well, he looks a lot like that guy holding the cardboard sign who said he needed a job.

    I gave him a Groupon coupon…

  37. Lascauxcaveman

    Interesting, this phenomenon of all the Alaska Tea Baggers being drawn to AZ. It's supports my theory that stupidity is magnetic.

  38. notreelyhelping

    Shh, shh. I know it looks scary, but it's safe to watch from behind the glass.

  39. Allmighty_Manos

    With a guy like Miller there is a fine line between a PAC and a death squad.

  40. lochnessmonster

    What's with all these Alaska grifters coming down to the lower 48 and spewing their opinions all over? I want them to go back to their frozen tundra.

  41. Doktor Zoom

    MST3K's version of "Manos" succeeded in convincing the world that there was indeed a worse movie than Plan 9 From Outer Space

  42. Negropolis

    "Taking political advice from Joe Miller is like going to a mechanic."

    Fixed. Mechanics are worse than lawyers in my heirarchy of hellish, depraved occupations. Can you tell I've been cheated by mechanics?

  43. ttommyunger

    Kinda makes me wish Joe the Not-A-Plumber was still an item, at least he didn't make me want to head for the shower.

Comments are closed.