TEAM MITTENS  4:06 pm June 1, 2011

Romney Wants Teen Girls To Know He Loves Those Mormon Vampire Books

by Wonkette Jr.

Even vampires can enjoy the tanning booth.When will middle-aged GOP Christian white working-class people embrace the billionaire Mormon elitist Mitt Romney? When teen-aged girls realize Mitt is “just like them,” and not until! That’s why Mittens went on the Today Show to let any teens who already dropped out of high school know that he loves “silly stuff” like the sexy abstinent vampires from the Twilight series of books and movies. Like all teen girls with goth tendencies — remember, Mitt spent his formative years in France, killing people in car crashes — Mitt loves to curl up under the comforter with his fellow Mormon Stephenie Meyer’s soft-core stories about girls gettin’ it on with guys even though nobody takes off their panties.

“I mean, I like the Twilight series. I thought it was fun,” Romney said. “I don’t like vampires personally, I don’t know any, but you know my granddaughter was reading it and I thought, ‘Well this looks like fun,’ so I read that.”

Yuck. What was Grandpa Mittens doing under his granddaughter’s comforter at night? [CNN Political Ticker]

 

Hola wonkerados.

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{ 205 comments }

Chillwaver June 1, 2011 at 4:36 pm

Well, Twilight is way more credible than The Book of Mormon.

Weenus299 June 1, 2011 at 4:39 pm

You gots a problem with shiny golden tablets just showing up out of nowhere?

Chillwaver June 1, 2011 at 4:47 pm

Nah, it's the whole "American Jesus" thing that really gets to me (so there, now you can say I hate both Murica AND Jeebus).

Terry June 1, 2011 at 10:05 pm

…and that when Native Americans are converted to Mormonism, that they're supposed to turn white. That and baptism of the dead bothers the heck out of me.

chilequiles June 2, 2011 at 2:02 am

I had to do baptisms for the dead when i was a wee pup (before i came down with an irreversable case of teh ghey) and lemme tell you, getting dunked dozens of times in rapid succession in a pool on top of 12 cow statues is just as creepy as it sounds.

Negropolis June 2, 2011 at 2:46 am

Silly, Weenus; the Native Americans rode dinosaurs. Oh, excuse me, "Jesus-horses."

neiltheblaze June 1, 2011 at 4:42 pm

"Lord of the RIngs" is more credible than The Book of Mormon"

tihond June 1, 2011 at 4:46 pm

"One husband to rule them all."

MissTaken June 1, 2011 at 4:54 pm

I see what you did there. And I liked it!

Weenus299 June 1, 2011 at 4:50 pm

"Babar Visits Another Planet" is more credible than The Book of Mormon.

ShaveTheWhales June 1, 2011 at 4:59 pm

"Angry Beavers" is more credible than the Book of Mormon.

WordSaladNation June 1, 2011 at 8:37 pm
elviouslyqueer June 1, 2011 at 5:00 pm

*ahem*

You know who else wrote a book that was more credible than The Book of Mormon?

Chillwaver June 1, 2011 at 5:04 pm

L. Ron Hubbard?

neiltheblaze June 1, 2011 at 5:04 pm

Every author in the History of Mankind except Ayn Rand?

elviouslyqueer June 1, 2011 at 5:42 pm

So, "Most of them, Katie" works too, amirite?

Bonzos_Bed_Time June 1, 2011 at 5:59 pm
horsedreamer_1 June 1, 2011 at 7:06 pm

Bob Woodward?

Negropolis June 2, 2011 at 3:00 am

James Frey?

DahBoner June 1, 2011 at 5:17 pm

"I say to the Republican leadership — take off your lace panties, stop being noodlebacks."

Our republic of young Mormon girls who don't take off their panties before not having sex with Vampires depends on you…

Doktor Zoom June 1, 2011 at 5:49 pm

I see… attributed to one "Katherine Dirr, an activist from Boehner's district…" according to the Ankh-Morpork Daily News.

So. Hurr-Dirr.

WhatTheHeck June 1, 2011 at 5:28 pm

Book of Normon is not really a book you can sink your teeth into, is it?
And besides, there's the magic underwear thing to worry about, if you’re a teenage vampire.

tihond June 1, 2011 at 4:37 pm

Mittens was on Team Jacob before he was on Team Edward. Unless you like Jacob, in which case he does too. Has he mentioned that he saved the Olympics?

BerkeleyBear June 1, 2011 at 4:55 pm

With a healthy dose of international bribery on the side (Although I'm sure you can't tie his purty little hands to any of it).

natoslug June 1, 2011 at 4:58 pm

But is he one of the Last Olympians? 'cuz I can't vote for someone who supports the Greek Half-bloods over the Roman Half-bloods.

AJWjr. June 1, 2011 at 7:09 pm

True Olympians rassled nekkid, right? No mention of majick undies…

natoslug June 1, 2011 at 7:16 pm

Rasslin', rodeo and leapfrog, all best nekkid.

the_problem_child June 1, 2011 at 7:28 pm

Leapfrogging = acrobatic teabagging?

Chillwaver June 1, 2011 at 4:37 pm

“I don’t like vampires personally, I don’t know any "

I recon him and Cheney never met…

Sophist[Kochblocker] June 1, 2011 at 4:40 pm

A common misconception. Cheney is actually a wendigo.

AJWjr. June 1, 2011 at 4:44 pm

'splains a lot, actually. Buried in that pet sematary, no doubt…

HistoriCat June 1, 2011 at 5:58 pm

I learn so much at Wonkette.

Meandering off the main topic, this is my favorite part of the Wiki entry: "Wendigo psychosis is a culture-bound disorder which involves an intense craving for human flesh and the fear that one will turn into a cannibal"

Sophist[Kochblocker] June 1, 2011 at 6:05 pm

As long as we're wandering around off topic, my favorite culture-bound disorder is definitely Koro.

Biel_ze_Bubba June 1, 2011 at 6:19 pm

“I don’t like vampires personally, I don’t know any "

As if he didn't use a truckload of garlic while raising a quarter million dollars in donations from Goldman Sachs.

riverside68 June 1, 2011 at 7:55 pm

Does garlic work on squids also?

baconzgood June 1, 2011 at 4:38 pm

"I don’t like vampires personally" Sheesh. Fuckin' anti-vampirite.

neiltheblaze June 1, 2011 at 5:15 pm

Yet, he's never met any! Now that's what I call prejudice.

Callyson June 1, 2011 at 5:36 pm

He just doesn't like the competition they pose: Mittens wants to be the hunk of the GOP.
HAHAHAHAHA…

Doktor Zoom June 1, 2011 at 5:53 pm

Pfft. Mittens just threw away any chance he might have had in the Überwald primaries.

genxr June 1, 2011 at 6:00 pm

Unlike the Donald, who has a good relationship with "The Vampires."

Bonzos_Bed_Time June 1, 2011 at 6:00 pm

"Not that there's anything wrong with them."

Jukesgrrl June 1, 2011 at 8:03 pm

Some of my best friends are anti-vampirites.

Weenus299 June 1, 2011 at 4:38 pm

Mormons are vampires too.

neiltheblaze June 1, 2011 at 4:38 pm

Behind that middle-America chiseled veneer lies the soul of a 15 year old girl.

Biel_ze_Bubba June 1, 2011 at 6:21 pm

Behind that middle-America chiseled veneer lies the soul and intellect of a 15 year old girl.

Fixed.

horsedreamer_1 June 1, 2011 at 7:08 pm

Liddy Huntsman does not know to endorse dad or Mitens, now.

neiltheblaze June 1, 2011 at 7:31 pm

Yes, well as he said, he thought it was fun! That's all the intellect he needs.

Jukesgrrl June 1, 2011 at 8:06 pm

Behind that middle-America chiseled veneer lies the soul and intellect of a 15 year old girl WHO DOESN'T MIND HER DOG BEING TIED TO THE ROOF OF THE CAR.

Fixed again.

neiltheblaze June 1, 2011 at 9:04 pm

A few weeks ago there was this a commenter here – I forget who – and he/she was talking about how Romney wouldn't provide the same level of snark as several of the other candidates. As a through no fault of my own Romney observer here in Massachusetts, I assured him that Mitt would provide ample material. And here we are.

Wait until he does one of his superb, triple somersaults on some major issue. If he's in top form, he'll do it within 48 hours, everyone will go "Huh?" and he'll look at everyone like they're crazy.

ChurchofRealism June 1, 2011 at 4:39 pm

What do you hang around your neck to keep this undead thing away?

smokefilledroommate June 1, 2011 at 4:42 pm

Fudge. No, wait–that attracts Mormons. It's… fun ! If you could bottle the essence of anything remotely enjoyable, that's what would repel them.

Biel_ze_Bubba June 1, 2011 at 6:21 pm

So why not the fudge, again?

horsedreamer_1 June 1, 2011 at 7:09 pm

Fudge? Sure, maybe… But you know what Mormons really love? Trampolines.

Callyson June 1, 2011 at 5:38 pm

A pink triangle…that is, unless Mittens is yet another closet case…

SayItWithWookies June 1, 2011 at 5:39 pm

America By Heart — a Palin book is pretty much a warning to zombies that there's nothing to eat here.

(edit: oops, Baconz's comment further down got me confused. But the zombie protection still stands, I contend.)

fuflans June 1, 2011 at 9:09 pm

a newt.

SorosBot June 1, 2011 at 4:39 pm

Wait a second, I was talking to Mitt the other day and when I mentioned how stupid I thought the Twilight series was he said that he hated it too.

Biel_ze_Bubba June 1, 2011 at 6:25 pm

He hated it while he was Mass. governor. Everything is different now that he's discovered the golden plates inscribed with the teabagger gospel of American Jeebus™.

smokefilledroommate June 1, 2011 at 4:41 pm

Mitt reads Twilight while relaxing in his Magic Mormon™ Vampire Undies.

Biel_ze_Bubba June 1, 2011 at 6:33 pm

Huh. I'd have expected Magic Mormon™ Vampire-Repellent Undies.
(Boxers or briefs? Or is that a secret?)

smokefilledroommate June 1, 2011 at 7:42 pm

All I know is that the fabric is an 80/20 cotton-pedo blend.

BaldarTFlagass June 1, 2011 at 4:41 pm

And this is going to get him votes how? Last I checked, pubescent girls didn't have the franchise to vote.

genxr June 1, 2011 at 4:46 pm

Under the new voting laws, 300 year old vampires without birth certificates can't vote either.

Biel_ze_Bubba June 1, 2011 at 6:36 pm

They can with a photo ID.

Oh, wait…

Lionel[redacted]Esq June 1, 2011 at 5:07 pm

Well, he can send out pubescent boys to bring in the male Republican voters.

BaldarTFlagass June 1, 2011 at 4:42 pm

Or Anthony Weiner's junk, better still.

elviouslyqueer June 1, 2011 at 5:44 pm

Oh yay, and speaking of which, Weiner's weiner, or not Weiner's weiner? That is the question.

Doktor Zoom June 1, 2011 at 5:56 pm

This is getting weirder and weirder. Perhaps the whole silly mess is building up to a "Scuse me while I whip this out" denoument?

natoslug June 1, 2011 at 7:25 pm

Didn't he admit it was his with this?:

". . . I was perhaps, you'll forgive me, a little stiff yesterday," he said. These wiener jokes are getting out of hand, coming at us all fast and furiously. I wish he'd rise to the occasion and beat off all speculation that it was his own penis pic. Flaccid answers to reporters' dickish questions, um, crap, I'm running out of cock innuendo.

neiltheblaze June 1, 2011 at 7:37 pm

Is that all you have to say Mr. Johnson?

baconzgood June 1, 2011 at 4:42 pm

I don't give a crap about his opinions on vampires. I'm a zombie issue man.

BaldarTFlagass June 1, 2011 at 4:54 pm

And what about the irradiated giant Japanese monsters? The possibility of an attack has dramatically increased as of late. We need our own American version of "Big Man Japan." (yes, google it)

baconzgood June 1, 2011 at 4:57 pm

Mine eyes have seen the glory of the coming of the Lord;……

Ahhhhh, how the "L" did I miss that shlock?

BaldarTFlagass June 1, 2011 at 5:01 pm

It's streaming on Netflix. Not for every taste, but I got some good laughs out of it.

Biel_ze_Bubba June 1, 2011 at 6:42 pm

Meh. Irradiated Japanese zombies are what you really need to worry about.
And the solution is, well, eye-opening: http://twitchfilm.com/news/kyonyu-poster-e.jpg

(You can't make this stuff up — but it's disturbing that someone else could.)

baconzgood June 2, 2011 at 9:02 am

Fuckin'-A. I've "made that up" in my head when I was 15. fap fap fap

Arken June 1, 2011 at 4:58 pm

His plan for dealing with the horde of ravenous zombies is completely different from Obama's plan for dealing with the horde of ravenous zombies. Also, what works to stop the zombie masses from feasting on our still-living flesh in Massachusetts doesn't necessarily work to stop them from digging their teeth into our skin in other states.

BloviateMe June 1, 2011 at 4:42 pm

Mittens is just doing his homework. Bonding with 15 year old girls. That's laying groundwork for another future Mrs. Mittens. Mormons can have oodles of them wife things, you know.

Genius, in a horrible, twisted, pedophilia kind of way. But genius nonetheless.

riverside68 June 1, 2011 at 5:47 pm

Obsessions lead to creative thinking.

zhubajie June 1, 2011 at 7:01 pm

Since Mormon fundies usually marry their daughters off at age 13….

bigdupa June 1, 2011 at 4:42 pm

Where can I send his granddaughter a copy of "My Secret Garden." I think she's ready.

baconzgood June 1, 2011 at 5:00 pm

Plexus?

WordSaladNation June 1, 2011 at 8:43 pm

Was Nancy Friday a Mormon? Probably.

johnnymeatworth June 1, 2011 at 4:43 pm

I can't wait till those pictures of him wearing the wizard's hat at the book release for Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows come out….

easynews June 1, 2011 at 6:19 pm

You mean like these guys? This is Triumph The Comic Insult Dog at a Star Wars film premier, in perhaps his funniest segment ever. It's 10 mins. long, but worth it.

Jukesgrrl June 1, 2011 at 8:12 pm

My second fave Triumph appearance. My winner is still back stage at a Bon Jovi concert.

harry_palmer June 1, 2011 at 4:43 pm

Mitt can get more popular by promising to never take off the magic panties.

Schmannnity June 1, 2011 at 4:44 pm

Holy fucking Angel Moroni! How do the undead fit into his theology? Maybe the skin color is the attraction.

Buckminster June 1, 2011 at 4:44 pm

Great! Now, we know he has shitty taste in literature. Who'd of thought?

riverside68 June 1, 2011 at 5:51 pm

literature ha ha ha ha ha ha ha

That's funny: literature. You're really cracking me up here.

neiltheblaze June 1, 2011 at 4:45 pm

Next thing you know we'll learn he's down with Justin Bieber – musically, of course.

Biel_ze_Bubba June 1, 2011 at 7:11 pm

That's a foregone conclusion with any Donny Osmond clone. Heck, famed music impressario Clive Romney (an LDS sort-of-star) is probably related to Mitt six ways from Sunday.

You could Google "Mormon Pop". But I don't recommend it.

Jukesgrrl June 1, 2011 at 8:14 pm

Thanks but Christian Rock was bad enough.

BaldarTFlagass June 1, 2011 at 4:45 pm

I will never, ever, never in a million years vote for a man that admits to reading that stuff. I will, however, kick him in the nuts repeatedly, if given the opportunity.

elviouslyqueer June 1, 2011 at 4:46 pm

"American Idol I watched, this year it was Scotty (McCreery) winning, that was terrific," Romney said on NBC's "Today." "That guy's got talent."

Oh Mitt, bad move. You just lost the all-important James Durbin demographic.

Lionel[redacted]Esq June 1, 2011 at 4:47 pm

He doesn't like any of them either.

Biel_ze_Bubba June 1, 2011 at 6:35 pm

GOP-candidate-Mitt would have loved Archie!
Mass-Governor-Mitt, not so much.

Lionel[redacted]Esq June 1, 2011 at 4:48 pm

Why isn't this a bigger story? Mittens having a head on with a Catholic Priest. And he wasn't even an alter boy.

grizzlyalbert June 1, 2011 at 5:05 pm

That puts him even with Ted Kennedy and Laura Bush.

He’ll have to kill a hell of a lot more people to catch up with George Bush.

Doktor Zoom June 1, 2011 at 6:03 pm

Well, we've seen the size of the Romney brood, so at least it's fairly certain that the crash didn't leave him an altered boy.

mrblifil June 1, 2011 at 4:49 pm

Can he say with certitude?

Chillwaver June 1, 2011 at 4:50 pm

He's Satan, not Dracula.

metamarcisf June 1, 2011 at 4:50 pm

Hate to break it to you, Mittens, but vampires are like gay men. You may THINK you don't know any, but next thing you know, they'll have infested your cabinet; lined up like jets in a Chicago snowstorm.

tymberwolf817 June 2, 2011 at 8:28 am

I'm new 'round these parts, but I get that p points = cultural capital. I'm doing all I can to upfist!

elviouslyqueer June 1, 2011 at 4:50 pm

No no. Ryan is an incubus. Because FAP FAP FAP.

Sophist[Kochblocker] June 1, 2011 at 4:53 pm

Really? Given his relationship with Kochs, I was sure he was a succubus.

Lionel[redacted]Esq June 1, 2011 at 5:05 pm

suckochbus?

riverside68 June 1, 2011 at 5:39 pm

kochubus?

Jukesgrrl June 1, 2011 at 8:02 pm

I'm going with that. I think it should take off as fast as "teatard."

Chillwaver June 1, 2011 at 4:51 pm

Sarah Palin is both American Jesus AND a Native American riding a Harley. Happy now?

RedNM June 1, 2011 at 4:51 pm

Romney's recurring nightmare: He was in a car crash and he lost his hair.

SorosBot June 1, 2011 at 4:51 pm

He'll make the mistake of answering the question, "Who would win in a fight between a Star Destroyer and the Enterprise?". Either way he'll have a horde of pissed-off nerds after him.

Doktor Zoom June 1, 2011 at 6:08 pm

Are we talking TOS Enterprise or the Enterprise-D? (or E? Plenty of letters left in the alphabet)

And who's in command? Captain Kirk could beat a Star Destroyer with a rowboat full of tribbles, but Picard would feel obliged to follow the Prime Directive, which would slow him down until Act IV.

Lascauxcaveman June 1, 2011 at 6:40 pm

Are you kidding? After what he went through with the Borg? Picard'd kick Star Destroyers ass with a croissant in one hand and a cup of Earl Grey (hot) in the other.

SorosBot June 2, 2011 at 12:32 am

There are some things I miss about the early internet days of usenet. Those endless angry debates were not one of them.

natoslug June 1, 2011 at 7:37 pm

Just as long as he stays away from the Superman vs. Mighty Mouse debate, he might still have a chance.

Arken June 1, 2011 at 4:52 pm

So is he suggesting that he identifies with an older man who looks much younger than his years and lusts after teenage girls?

riverside68 June 1, 2011 at 5:55 pm

Just because he loves stories about 1,000 year old men messing around with teenage girls doesn't mean he identifies with them.

Geeze, sometimes a cigar is just a cigar

natoslug June 1, 2011 at 7:41 pm

Thinking like that is what got Monica Lewinsky into trouble. It may be just a cigar, but that doesn't mean someone's not going to try to shove it in your hoo-haw.

riverside68 June 1, 2011 at 8:01 pm

Now that's what I call safe sex.

natoslug June 1, 2011 at 8:06 pm

Other than the occasional labial burns, and all your future children being born with lung cancer and a helluva nicotine habit.

Biel_ze_Bubba June 1, 2011 at 7:16 pm

That's your basic Republican politician – what's the problem?

Oh, wait … did you say "girls"?

BarackMyWorld June 1, 2011 at 4:54 pm
BaldarTFlagass June 1, 2011 at 4:55 pm

Ceiling Cat is watching Mitt fluctuate.

Monsieur_Grumpe June 1, 2011 at 4:56 pm

Now he’s getting creepy. I mean creepier.

MissTaken June 1, 2011 at 4:58 pm

I can't wait until he comes out with the "I'm not a vampire, I'm you" ad.

Sharkey June 1, 2011 at 5:00 pm

I thought Mormons weren't allowed to drink blood.

DaRooster June 1, 2011 at 5:24 pm

Nah… that's coffee I think…

Jukesgrrl June 1, 2011 at 8:17 pm

And Coke. I'm still wondering about Gatorade. If Red Bull is a no, I'd guess blood is a no, too.

riverside68 June 1, 2011 at 5:59 pm

That's only if the person from whom the blood came had alcohol or coffee within 12 hours of being harvested. Mormons have a word for it, like Halal.

Biel_ze_Bubba June 1, 2011 at 7:18 pm

And you can't mix it with dairy … I think … it's hard to keep this religious shit straight.

natoslug June 1, 2011 at 7:43 pm

I don't remember anything in the Word of Wisdom about drinking blood. But then, officially, the Word of Wisdom did not originally say anything about beer, but rather about hot drinks. Bring that up with a faithful Mormon and they get a bit testy though.

ShaveTheWhales June 1, 2011 at 10:01 pm

"strong drink"

Badonkadonkette June 1, 2011 at 5:00 pm

Wear magic undies all day. Flip flop all night. Never make it through the primaries. Never get elected President. It's fun to be a Mormon Vampire Candidate.

DaRooster June 1, 2011 at 5:00 pm

"Well this looks like fun,’ so I read that.”

Is that like the "I'd hit that" shit those damn kids say?

BerkeleyBear June 1, 2011 at 5:01 pm

But does he like his asexual relationship partners hairy or smooth? Indecisive morons want to know.

MLite June 1, 2011 at 5:02 pm

This totally makes me want to leave Team Barack and join Team Mitt!

RadioJr. June 1, 2011 at 5:08 pm

And I thought Bela Lugosi was dead.

Mumbletypeg June 1, 2011 at 8:04 pm

cue Bauhaus!

(I still have the single on vinyl.. never returned to the friend I borrowed it from before she moved away)_

RadioJr. June 1, 2011 at 10:06 pm

Sister of Mercy!
OGG (Original Goth Gangsta)
You Black Swan, you.

axmxz June 2, 2011 at 6:42 pm

No, he's very much alive! Well, sort of.

DahBoner June 1, 2011 at 5:13 pm

"What was Grandpa Mittens doing under his granddaughter’s comforter at night?"

Reading the Mormon pop-up book: How to Choke a Chicken?

SayItWithWookies June 1, 2011 at 5:15 pm

It would be great fun if President Obama endorsed the Twilight series just so we could see Mitt swear up and down he always hated the books, never heard of them before, and can't actually read.

BaldarTFlagass June 1, 2011 at 5:20 pm

Dude is doing everything he can to suck the lifeblood out of his campaign.

fuflans June 1, 2011 at 9:16 pm

I so wish I didn't have to love you for that comment.

riverside68 June 1, 2011 at 5:22 pm

If getting it on with girls with panties is wrong, I don't want to be right!

Never got into that thong thing tho.

lochnessmonster June 1, 2011 at 5:24 pm

This just makes him look like a creepy old dude. He is really out of touch with normal people. I'd keep an eye on my children with that guy around.

hagajim June 1, 2011 at 5:25 pm

Do those vampires wear magic undies too? Is that why they glow?

OneYieldRegular June 1, 2011 at 5:26 pm

You know you've picked a winner when a candidate feels he needs to pander to pre-adolescent "Twilight" fans.

Biel_ze_Bubba June 1, 2011 at 7:19 pm

Thinking ahead to 2016?

KeepFnThatChicken June 1, 2011 at 5:29 pm

So he's now alienating Christians. He'll never get elected now.

"How do you know, o pretentious ChickenEffer?", you may ask. Because the Swan Song of Bob Dobson is on tour this year. It's going around to remind dual-worldview Christians (e.g., people with scattered ideas about "ethics, evolution, history, politics, finances, work, marriage, parenting [and] entertainment") that the biblical worldview is the only one there is.

Naturally, it's for sale. Price: $89.99 for the 8-hour DVD set. Time to go to easynews and find that shit.

Badonkadonkette June 1, 2011 at 5:30 pm

Oh fuck this shit. First Weiner dashes my hopes that a diminutive Jewish politician could be hip, brash, liberal, named Weiner, in Congress, and not implode, and then all my pee disappears again.

fuflans June 1, 2011 at 5:31 pm

this is just embarrassing.

republicans should never ever opine on popular culture.

Mort_Sinclair June 1, 2011 at 5:35 pm

Wait a minute! If Romney is the kind of fucked-up Mormon who thinks reading young adult chick lit is cool, then he'd also be the kind of fucked-up Mormon who would put his beloved Irish Setter named Seamus into a dog crate, strap that crate to the top of the family station wagon for a 12-hour drive from Boston to Ontario, and then wonder why Seamus shit gallons of diarrheal fear all over the car. What? He did that? Heh. I knew that. What a fucktard he is.

http://www.time.com/time/nation/article/0,8599,16

genxr June 1, 2011 at 5:57 pm

I was in the station wagon
Seamus, that's the dog, was outside
well I was in the station wagon
Seamus, my own hound, was outside
well you know we wasn't driving slowly
and my own hound-dog sat right down and cried

DrBobNM June 2, 2011 at 10:51 am

Mort:

Now THERE'S a link. What a moronic d-bag MR is. How could he do this to a member of his family? It's a wonder the dog was not blinded. I knew he was not all there. I guess you guys hope that he is nominated, huh? If I were Dem, I certainly would.

Callyson June 1, 2011 at 5:39 pm

How I wish I could give more than one upfist to you for that one…

WordSaladNation June 1, 2011 at 8:42 pm

Literally.

donner_froh June 1, 2011 at 5:45 pm

Romney is sucking up to non-voters to keep in practice.

Callyson June 1, 2011 at 5:48 pm

Actually, the granddaughter is on our side: she planted that Twilight novel just to get Mittens to look stupid (more so.) In a few years, she'll come out of the closet, get married (in Massachusetts!), and run for office. And she'll wear lots of leather.

horsedreamer_1 June 1, 2011 at 7:16 pm

I do not know about you, but — I am hard.

DaSandman June 1, 2011 at 6:01 pm

He's a killer. Weird underwear aside, he could be President.

Of a fucking Utah pussy cult.

Yikes, too soon?

ShaveTheWhales June 1, 2011 at 10:03 pm

Also, Utah pussy fucking cult, too.

Doktor Zoom June 1, 2011 at 6:11 pm

Incidentally, what is a Vida Guerra and why is there a naked one on my Wonkette?

Tundra Grifter June 1, 2011 at 7:39 pm

Doktor Zoom: As Pops said when asked to define Jazz – "If you have to ask the question, you won't understand the answer."

natoslug June 1, 2011 at 7:47 pm

A Vida Guerra appears to be the "After" model for a breast augmentation advertisement. And I hope those peppers weren't hot, as otherwise having them rubbing around on your nether regions would be a bit uncomfortable after a while.

Angry_Marmot June 2, 2011 at 12:19 am

Ask me to use "callipygian" in a sentence.

widget2011 June 1, 2011 at 6:37 pm

Simply Amazing

Warpde June 1, 2011 at 6:44 pm

Mittens doesn't know any Vampires?
I call Bullshit.
He belongs to a whole party of them cock(sorry) blood suckers.

Beetagger June 1, 2011 at 6:46 pm

Vampire fiction makes Mitt's Jesus Jammies moist.

mavenmaven June 1, 2011 at 6:47 pm

I suppose he has colleagues in Utah who could be third or fourth marrying 15 year old twilight readers…

DashboardBuddha June 1, 2011 at 6:57 pm

I'm only gonna say this one more time. Vampires.do.NOT.Sparkle!

natoslug June 1, 2011 at 7:49 pm

The only good modern vampire is a Buffy vampire. No sparkle, no psychic powers, lots of dust.

zhubajie June 1, 2011 at 6:59 pm

A friend used to put up a mezuzah. I have Chinese door god posters.

widget2011 June 1, 2011 at 7:08 pm

Downfisting asshat at it again!

neiltheblaze June 1, 2011 at 8:19 pm

It keeps him indoors away from the playgrounds.

widget2011 June 1, 2011 at 7:11 pm

But his hair is perfect.?!

Biel_ze_Bubba June 1, 2011 at 7:24 pm

Has been perfect for 600 years. (You'd think folks would get suspicious, right?)

Goonemeritus June 1, 2011 at 7:17 pm

Mitt is thought of as the “serious” candidate in Republican establishment circles. Yes I know that is an oxymoron but even among those guys this must cause a few asses to clinch.

Tundra Grifter June 1, 2011 at 7:40 pm

I thought McCain was "Mittens." Where did I go wrong?

fuflans June 1, 2011 at 9:20 pm

mccain was walnuts.

good times!

Tundra Grifter June 2, 2011 at 9:41 am

Thank you! There's so much to keep track of these days…

Doktor Zoom June 1, 2011 at 9:25 pm

McCain is "Walnuts," Romney is "Mittens," Pawlentey is "T-Paw," Huckabee is "That Fat Fuck," Barbour is "That Other Fat Fuck," Christie is "The Fattest Fuck That Ever Was a Big Fat Fucking Fuck, I mean, FUCK!!!!"

And Sarah has several pages of epithets all her own, because even though she's too vile for words, we feel compelled to keep trying.

Tundra Grifter June 2, 2011 at 9:41 am

DK: Personally, I prefer Duh Guv'Nor (or, Duh Gov'Nuh).

Not just cause I made them up, either!

Warpde June 1, 2011 at 7:57 pm

So, I've been adding up Downfister Guy's total for the day.
Let's see.
Makes a penny a down fist.
5 articles, 1253 reply's and counting in
10 Hrs of work.
Divided by 1253 = $1.25 an hour.

I would advise him to apply to Micky'D's but he is probably not qualified.

Up fist's to all. For FREE!

natoslug June 1, 2011 at 8:09 pm

Just had to upfist you to get you back to 1. Say what you will about her pissy attitude, ms. downfister certainly has a strong work ethic. I don't know that I'd have the stamina and patience to spend the whole day fisting strangers.

El Pinche June 1, 2011 at 8:12 pm

Remember this: http://pleasenotromney.com/wp-content/uploads/201

Mittens is one awkward fuckin mormon.

102415 June 1, 2011 at 8:15 pm

She's kind of a big deal. In her own mind.

Sheesko June 1, 2011 at 8:51 pm

It isn't hardcore Mormon AT ALL to advocate fiction that portrays women as utterly unable to support themselves without a man, even if he's a monster.

crybabyboehner June 1, 2011 at 8:59 pm

If his granddaughter was reading "Das Kapital," I suppose he would read that too?

dailyworldwatch June 2, 2011 at 2:54 pm

"State and Revolution", fixed…

fuflans June 1, 2011 at 9:23 pm

way to encourage american teen exceptionalism dude.

ShaveTheWhales June 1, 2011 at 10:04 pm

Space Vampires FTW!

ttommyunger June 1, 2011 at 10:17 pm

Treat family dog like luggage: Check. Treat pubescent teen girls like peers: Check. Treat fictional story lines like reality: Check. Treat fairy tale like Religion: Check… This guy is seriously fucked up.

DerrickWildcat June 1, 2011 at 11:06 pm

Attention Barnes & Noble customers:
Due to the arrival yesterday of 14 Semi trucks full of Vampire, Werewolf and Zombie shit, the Classics section has been thrown in duffel bags and can be found in the tent in the parking lot.

Negropolis June 2, 2011 at 3:10 am

“I don’t like vampires personally, I don’t know any…"

Could he possibly be any more lame and awkward? I can't imagine a scenario in which he didn't truly believe he was being funny.

Humor FAIL.

tymberwolf817 June 2, 2011 at 8:16 am

When I was teaching middle school Twilight had just come out and pretty much every single girl in every one of my classes had a copy. I figured "I should probably read it too, since that's what all the little whipper snappers are reading" (er . . . um . . . yeah, that's the reason). Sweet jebus what a load of poorly written, Mary Sue-esque drivel.

LiveToServeYa June 2, 2011 at 8:31 am

What a Mitt-head.

NadePaulKuciGravMcKi June 2, 2011 at 8:35 am

Willard Mitt Romney

ghblowhard June 2, 2011 at 9:42 am

Wonketter Jr: This story calls for a Blingee! Bring back the Blingees!

BZ1 June 2, 2011 at 10:05 am

if the Mitt doesn't think he has met any vampires lately, just look around the rank-and-file repubs…

DrBobNM June 2, 2011 at 10:48 am

I think romney is weird and a crappy GOP candidate, but wonkette, the car crash in France is a red herring.
from the link:
"…Romney, who was seriously injured in the crash and was momentarily feared dead, has long said there was nothing he could have done to avoid the tragedy. Interviews with survivors and people who were directly involved in the accident's aftermath largely confirm his description…"

so being at the wrong place at the wrong time grounds for some kind of foul? You make it sound like he was wreckless or drunk or something.

If you want a good link, check out the dog strapped to the top of the car PR disaster, posted by Mort_Sinclair.

tcaalaw June 2, 2011 at 2:41 pm

In 2008, Romney said that Battlefield Earth was his favorite novel, so I don't know whether this is a step up or down. See clip from interview here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tt2yMQ-HmQw

riverside68 June 1, 2011 at 8:18 pm

Then there is that thing about cumming on the dress instead of the hoo-haw, which is very not-safe!

riverside68 June 1, 2011 at 10:59 pm

Oh man, did I tell you how much I love it when you talk dirty?

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