team mittens

Romney Wants Teen Girls To Know He Loves Those Mormon Vampire Books

Even vampires can enjoy the tanning booth.When will middle-aged GOP Christian white working-class people embrace the billionaire Mormon elitist Mitt Romney? When teen-aged girls realize Mitt is “just like them,” and not until! That’s why Mittens went on the Today Show to let any teens who already dropped out of high school know that he loves “silly stuff” like the sexy abstinent vampires from the Twilight series of books and movies. Like all teen girls with goth tendencies — remember, Mitt spent his formative years in France, killing people in car crashes — Mitt loves to curl up under the comforter with his fellow Mormon Stephenie Meyer’s soft-core stories about girls gettin’ it on with guys even though nobody takes off their panties.

“I mean, I like the Twilight series. I thought it was fun,” Romney said. “I don’t like vampires personally, I don’t know any, but you know my granddaughter was reading it and I thought, ‘Well this looks like fun,’ so I read that.”

Yuck. What was Grandpa Mittens doing under his granddaughter’s comforter at night? [CNN Political Ticker]

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        1. Terry

          …and that when Native Americans are converted to Mormonism, that they're supposed to turn white. That and baptism of the dead bothers the heck out of me.

          1. chilequiles

            I had to do baptisms for the dead when i was a wee pup (before i came down with an irreversable case of teh ghey) and lemme tell you, getting dunked dozens of times in rapid succession in a pool on top of 12 cow statues is just as creepy as it sounds.

        2. Negropolis

          Silly, Weenus; the Native Americans rode dinosaurs. Oh, excuse me, "Jesus-horses."

    1. elviouslyqueer


      You know who else wrote a book that was more credible than The Book of Mormon?

    2. DahBoner

      "I say to the Republican leadership — take off your lace panties, stop being noodlebacks."

      Our republic of young Mormon girls who don't take off their panties before not having sex with Vampires depends on you…

    3. WhatTheHeck

      Book of Normon is not really a book you can sink your teeth into, is it?
      And besides, there's the magic underwear thing to worry about, if you’re a teenage vampire.

  1. tihond

    Mittens was on Team Jacob before he was on Team Edward. Unless you like Jacob, in which case he does too. Has he mentioned that he saved the Olympics?

    1. BerkeleyBear

      With a healthy dose of international bribery on the side (Although I'm sure you can't tie his purty little hands to any of it).

    2. natoslug

      But is he one of the Last Olympians? 'cuz I can't vote for someone who supports the Greek Half-bloods over the Roman Half-bloods.

      1. HistoriCat

        I learn so much at Wonkette.

        Meandering off the main topic, this is my favorite part of the Wiki entry: "Wendigo psychosis is a culture-bound disorder which involves an intense craving for human flesh and the fear that one will turn into a cannibal"

        1. Sophist[Kochblocker]

          As long as we're wandering around off topic, my favorite culture-bound disorder is definitely Koro.

    1. Biel_ze_Bubba

      “I don’t like vampires personally, I don’t know any "

      As if he didn't use a truckload of garlic while raising a quarter million dollars in donations from Goldman Sachs.

    1. Callyson

      He just doesn't like the competition they pose: Mittens wants to be the hunk of the GOP.

    2. Doktor Zoom

      Pfft. Mittens just threw away any chance he might have had in the Überwald primaries.

  2. neiltheblaze

    Behind that middle-America chiseled veneer lies the soul of a 15 year old girl.

    1. Biel_ze_Bubba

      Behind that middle-America chiseled veneer lies the soul and intellect of a 15 year old girl.


      1. neiltheblaze

        Yes, well as he said, he thought it was fun! That's all the intellect he needs.

      2. Jukesgrrl

        Behind that middle-America chiseled veneer lies the soul and intellect of a 15 year old girl WHO DOESN'T MIND HER DOG BEING TIED TO THE ROOF OF THE CAR.

        Fixed again.

        1. neiltheblaze

          A few weeks ago there was this a commenter here – I forget who – and he/she was talking about how Romney wouldn't provide the same level of snark as several of the other candidates. As a through no fault of my own Romney observer here in Massachusetts, I assured him that Mitt would provide ample material. And here we are.

          Wait until he does one of his superb, triple somersaults on some major issue. If he's in top form, he'll do it within 48 hours, everyone will go "Huh?" and he'll look at everyone like they're crazy.

    1. SayItWithWookies

      America By Heart — a Palin book is pretty much a warning to zombies that there's nothing to eat here.

      (edit: oops, Baconz's comment further down got me confused. But the zombie protection still stands, I contend.)

  3. SorosBot

    Wait a second, I was talking to Mitt the other day and when I mentioned how stupid I thought the Twilight series was he said that he hated it too.

    1. Biel_ze_Bubba

      He hated it while he was Mass. governor. Everything is different now that he's discovered the golden plates inscribed with the teabagger gospel of American Jeebus™.

    1. Biel_ze_Bubba

      Huh. I'd have expected Magic Mormon™ Vampire-Repellent Undies.
      (Boxers or briefs? Or is that a secret?)

  4. BaldarTFlagass

    And this is going to get him votes how? Last I checked, pubescent girls didn't have the franchise to vote.

    1. genxr

      Under the new voting laws, 300 year old vampires without birth certificates can't vote either.

    2. Lionel[redacted]Esq

      Well, he can send out pubescent boys to bring in the male Republican voters.

      1. Doktor Zoom

        This is getting weirder and weirder. Perhaps the whole silly mess is building up to a "Scuse me while I whip this out" denoument?

      2. natoslug

        Didn't he admit it was his with this?:

        ". . . I was perhaps, you'll forgive me, a little stiff yesterday," he said. These wiener jokes are getting out of hand, coming at us all fast and furiously. I wish he'd rise to the occasion and beat off all speculation that it was his own penis pic. Flaccid answers to reporters' dickish questions, um, crap, I'm running out of cock innuendo.

    1. BaldarTFlagass

      And what about the irradiated giant Japanese monsters? The possibility of an attack has dramatically increased as of late. We need our own American version of "Big Man Japan." (yes, google it)

      1. baconzgood

        Mine eyes have seen the glory of the coming of the Lord;……

        Ahhhhh, how the "L" did I miss that shlock?

        1. BaldarTFlagass

          It's streaming on Netflix. Not for every taste, but I got some good laughs out of it.

    2. Arken

      His plan for dealing with the horde of ravenous zombies is completely different from Obama's plan for dealing with the horde of ravenous zombies. Also, what works to stop the zombie masses from feasting on our still-living flesh in Massachusetts doesn't necessarily work to stop them from digging their teeth into our skin in other states.

  5. BloviateMe

    Mittens is just doing his homework. Bonding with 15 year old girls. That's laying groundwork for another future Mrs. Mittens. Mormons can have oodles of them wife things, you know.

    Genius, in a horrible, twisted, pedophilia kind of way. But genius nonetheless.

  6. bigdupa

    Where can I send his granddaughter a copy of "My Secret Garden." I think she's ready.

  7. johnnymeatworth

    I can't wait till those pictures of him wearing the wizard's hat at the book release for Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows come out….

    1. easynews

      You mean like these guys? This is Triumph The Comic Insult Dog at a Star Wars film premier, in perhaps his funniest segment ever. It's 10 mins. long, but worth it.

      1. Jukesgrrl

        My second fave Triumph appearance. My winner is still back stage at a Bon Jovi concert.

  8. Schmannnity

    Holy fucking Angel Moroni! How do the undead fit into his theology? Maybe the skin color is the attraction.

    1. riverside68

      literature ha ha ha ha ha ha ha

      That's funny: literature. You're really cracking me up here.

  9. neiltheblaze

    Next thing you know we'll learn he's down with Justin Bieber – musically, of course.

    1. Biel_ze_Bubba

      That's a foregone conclusion with any Donny Osmond clone. Heck, famed music impressario Clive Romney (an LDS sort-of-star) is probably related to Mitt six ways from Sunday.

      You could Google "Mormon Pop". But I don't recommend it.

  10. BaldarTFlagass

    I will never, ever, never in a million years vote for a man that admits to reading that stuff. I will, however, kick him in the nuts repeatedly, if given the opportunity.

  11. elviouslyqueer

    "American Idol I watched, this year it was Scotty (McCreery) winning, that was terrific," Romney said on NBC's "Today." "That guy's got talent."

    Oh Mitt, bad move. You just lost the all-important James Durbin demographic.

    1. Biel_ze_Bubba

      GOP-candidate-Mitt would have loved Archie!
      Mass-Governor-Mitt, not so much.

  12. Lionel[redacted]Esq

    Why isn't this a bigger story? Mittens having a head on with a Catholic Priest. And he wasn't even an alter boy.

    1. grizzlyalbert

      That puts him even with Ted Kennedy and Laura Bush.

      He’ll have to kill a hell of a lot more people to catch up with George Bush.

    2. Doktor Zoom

      Well, we've seen the size of the Romney brood, so at least it's fairly certain that the crash didn't leave him an altered boy.

  13. metamarcisf

    Hate to break it to you, Mittens, but vampires are like gay men. You may THINK you don't know any, but next thing you know, they'll have infested your cabinet; lined up like jets in a Chicago snowstorm.

    1. Sophist[Kochblocker]

      Really? Given his relationship with Kochs, I was sure he was a succubus.

  14. SorosBot

    He'll make the mistake of answering the question, "Who would win in a fight between a Star Destroyer and the Enterprise?". Either way he'll have a horde of pissed-off nerds after him.

    1. Doktor Zoom

      Are we talking TOS Enterprise or the Enterprise-D? (or E? Plenty of letters left in the alphabet)

      And who's in command? Captain Kirk could beat a Star Destroyer with a rowboat full of tribbles, but Picard would feel obliged to follow the Prime Directive, which would slow him down until Act IV.

      1. Lascauxcaveman

        Are you kidding? After what he went through with the Borg? Picard'd kick Star Destroyers ass with a croissant in one hand and a cup of Earl Grey (hot) in the other.

        1. SorosBot

          There are some things I miss about the early internet days of usenet. Those endless angry debates were not one of them.

  15. Arken

    So is he suggesting that he identifies with an older man who looks much younger than his years and lusts after teenage girls?

    1. riverside68

      Just because he loves stories about 1,000 year old men messing around with teenage girls doesn't mean he identifies with them.

      Geeze, sometimes a cigar is just a cigar

      1. natoslug

        Thinking like that is what got Monica Lewinsky into trouble. It may be just a cigar, but that doesn't mean someone's not going to try to shove it in your hoo-haw.

          1. natoslug

            Other than the occasional labial burns, and all your future children being born with lung cancer and a helluva nicotine habit.

          2. riverside68

            Then there is that thing about cumming on the dress instead of the hoo-haw, which is very not-safe!

    2. Biel_ze_Bubba

      That's your basic Republican politician – what's the problem?

      Oh, wait … did you say "girls"?

      1. Jukesgrrl

        And Coke. I'm still wondering about Gatorade. If Red Bull is a no, I'd guess blood is a no, too.

    1. riverside68

      That's only if the person from whom the blood came had alcohol or coffee within 12 hours of being harvested. Mormons have a word for it, like Halal.

      1. Biel_ze_Bubba

        And you can't mix it with dairy … I think … it's hard to keep this religious shit straight.

      2. natoslug

        I don't remember anything in the Word of Wisdom about drinking blood. But then, officially, the Word of Wisdom did not originally say anything about beer, but rather about hot drinks. Bring that up with a faithful Mormon and they get a bit testy though.

  16. Badonkadonkette

    Wear magic undies all day. Flip flop all night. Never make it through the primaries. Never get elected President. It's fun to be a Mormon Vampire Candidate.

  17. DaRooster

    "Well this looks like fun,’ so I read that.”

    Is that like the "I'd hit that" shit those damn kids say?

  18. BerkeleyBear

    But does he like his asexual relationship partners hairy or smooth? Indecisive morons want to know.

    1. Mumbletypeg

      cue Bauhaus!

      (I still have the single on vinyl.. never returned to the friend I borrowed it from before she moved away)_

  19. DahBoner

    "What was Grandpa Mittens doing under his granddaughter’s comforter at night?"

    Reading the Mormon pop-up book: How to Choke a Chicken?

  20. SayItWithWookies

    It would be great fun if President Obama endorsed the Twilight series just so we could see Mitt swear up and down he always hated the books, never heard of them before, and can't actually read.

  21. riverside68

    If getting it on with girls with panties is wrong, I don't want to be right!

    Never got into that thong thing tho.

  22. lochnessmonster

    This just makes him look like a creepy old dude. He is really out of touch with normal people. I'd keep an eye on my children with that guy around.

  23. OneYieldRegular

    You know you've picked a winner when a candidate feels he needs to pander to pre-adolescent "Twilight" fans.

  24. KeepFnThatChicken

    So he's now alienating Christians. He'll never get elected now.

    "How do you know, o pretentious ChickenEffer?", you may ask. Because the Swan Song of Bob Dobson is on tour this year. It's going around to remind dual-worldview Christians (e.g., people with scattered ideas about "ethics, evolution, history, politics, finances, work, marriage, parenting [and] entertainment") that the biblical worldview is the only one there is.

    Naturally, it's for sale. Price: $89.99 for the 8-hour DVD set. Time to go to easynews and find that shit.

  25. Badonkadonkette

    Oh fuck this shit. First Weiner dashes my hopes that a diminutive Jewish politician could be hip, brash, liberal, named Weiner, in Congress, and not implode, and then all my pee disappears again.

  26. fuflans

    this is just embarrassing.

    republicans should never ever opine on popular culture.

  27. Mort_Sinclair

    Wait a minute! If Romney is the kind of fucked-up Mormon who thinks reading young adult chick lit is cool, then he'd also be the kind of fucked-up Mormon who would put his beloved Irish Setter named Seamus into a dog crate, strap that crate to the top of the family station wagon for a 12-hour drive from Boston to Ontario, and then wonder why Seamus shit gallons of diarrheal fear all over the car. What? He did that? Heh. I knew that. What a fucktard he is.,8599,16

    1. genxr

      I was in the station wagon
      Seamus, that's the dog, was outside
      well I was in the station wagon
      Seamus, my own hound, was outside
      well you know we wasn't driving slowly
      and my own hound-dog sat right down and cried

    2. DrBobNM


      Now THERE'S a link. What a moronic d-bag MR is. How could he do this to a member of his family? It's a wonder the dog was not blinded. I knew he was not all there. I guess you guys hope that he is nominated, huh? If I were Dem, I certainly would.

  28. Callyson

    Actually, the granddaughter is on our side: she planted that Twilight novel just to get Mittens to look stupid (more so.) In a few years, she'll come out of the closet, get married (in Massachusetts!), and run for office. And she'll wear lots of leather.

  29. DaSandman

    He's a killer. Weird underwear aside, he could be President.

    Of a fucking Utah pussy cult.

    Yikes, too soon?

  30. Doktor Zoom

    Incidentally, what is a Vida Guerra and why is there a naked one on my Wonkette?

    1. Tundra Grifter

      Doktor Zoom: As Pops said when asked to define Jazz – "If you have to ask the question, you won't understand the answer."

    2. natoslug

      A Vida Guerra appears to be the "After" model for a breast augmentation advertisement. And I hope those peppers weren't hot, as otherwise having them rubbing around on your nether regions would be a bit uncomfortable after a while.

  31. Warpde

    Mittens doesn't know any Vampires?
    I call Bullshit.
    He belongs to a whole party of them cock(sorry) blood suckers.

  32. mavenmaven

    I suppose he has colleagues in Utah who could be third or fourth marrying 15 year old twilight readers…

    1. Biel_ze_Bubba

      Has been perfect for 600 years. (You'd think folks would get suspicious, right?)

  33. Goonemeritus

    Mitt is thought of as the “serious” candidate in Republican establishment circles. Yes I know that is an oxymoron but even among those guys this must cause a few asses to clinch.

    1. Doktor Zoom

      McCain is "Walnuts," Romney is "Mittens," Pawlentey is "T-Paw," Huckabee is "That Fat Fuck," Barbour is "That Other Fat Fuck," Christie is "The Fattest Fuck That Ever Was a Big Fat Fucking Fuck, I mean, FUCK!!!!"

      And Sarah has several pages of epithets all her own, because even though she's too vile for words, we feel compelled to keep trying.

      1. Tundra Grifter

        DK: Personally, I prefer Duh Guv'Nor (or, Duh Gov'Nuh).

        Not just cause I made them up, either!

  34. Warpde

    So, I've been adding up Downfister Guy's total for the day.
    Let's see.
    Makes a penny a down fist.
    5 articles, 1253 reply's and counting in
    10 Hrs of work.
    Divided by 1253 = $1.25 an hour.

    I would advise him to apply to Micky'D's but he is probably not qualified.

    Up fist's to all. For FREE!

    1. natoslug

      Just had to upfist you to get you back to 1. Say what you will about her pissy attitude, ms. downfister certainly has a strong work ethic. I don't know that I'd have the stamina and patience to spend the whole day fisting strangers.

  35. Sheesko

    It isn't hardcore Mormon AT ALL to advocate fiction that portrays women as utterly unable to support themselves without a man, even if he's a monster.

  36. crybabyboehner

    If his granddaughter was reading "Das Kapital," I suppose he would read that too?

  37. ttommyunger

    Treat family dog like luggage: Check. Treat pubescent teen girls like peers: Check. Treat fictional story lines like reality: Check. Treat fairy tale like Religion: Check… This guy is seriously fucked up.

  38. DerrickWildcat

    Attention Barnes & Noble customers:
    Due to the arrival yesterday of 14 Semi trucks full of Vampire, Werewolf and Zombie shit, the Classics section has been thrown in duffel bags and can be found in the tent in the parking lot.

  39. Negropolis

    “I don’t like vampires personally, I don’t know any…"

    Could he possibly be any more lame and awkward? I can't imagine a scenario in which he didn't truly believe he was being funny.

    Humor FAIL.

  40. tymberwolf817

    When I was teaching middle school Twilight had just come out and pretty much every single girl in every one of my classes had a copy. I figured "I should probably read it too, since that's what all the little whipper snappers are reading" (er . . . um . . . yeah, that's the reason). Sweet jebus what a load of poorly written, Mary Sue-esque drivel.

  41. DrBobNM

    I think romney is weird and a crappy GOP candidate, but wonkette, the car crash in France is a red herring.
    from the link:
    "…Romney, who was seriously injured in the crash and was momentarily feared dead, has long said there was nothing he could have done to avoid the tragedy. Interviews with survivors and people who were directly involved in the accident's aftermath largely confirm his description…"

    so being at the wrong place at the wrong time grounds for some kind of foul? You make it sound like he was wreckless or drunk or something.

    If you want a good link, check out the dog strapped to the top of the car PR disaster, posted by Mort_Sinclair.

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