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Go back to France, emo liberty lady.The happiest nations in the world are almost nothing like the United States, according to the business website 24/7 Wall Street. Does the average person have financial security, government-backed health care, quality education, a healthy natural environment and a sane work-life balance? Those are the world’s happy people, and you’ll find them in economically stable social-welfare states such as Canada, Finland, Australia, Switzerland and Denmark. “The happiest people in the developed world get loads of social services without having to work too hard,” says 24/7 Wall Street, which is named for the opposite of having a sane work-life balance. “Nations with long-term economic strength can also afford to support employment, education, and make health care widely available. The happiest countries seem to be places where there is a good balance of work and leisure time.” The United States, obviously, does not make an appearance on this list of Wealthy, Happy Countries.

Why can’t America have any happiness? Because the U.S. Declaration of Independence only allowed for the ineffectual pursuit of happiness, not the actual life quality of happiness. The richest 1% of Americans pursue happiness by taking everything from everybody else, while the average American pursues happiness by hating people in the same dire financial straits but with some superficial difference in skin color or religious background.

We can’t think of a joke to end this. Truck Nutz? [24/7 Wall Street]

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  • carlgt1

    Yet the fat low-IQ Repukes will still screech about "American exceptionalism" – even as their kids get dumb & dumber.

  • Barb

    Wow, was this article titled: Sky Blue, Grass Green?
    tTommy!

    • ArmoredBore

      In other breaking news: the tides fluctuated on schedule, birds continue to fly, and it's all about Sarah Palin™

      • Lionel[redacted]Esq

        Sarah goes in, Sarah goes out. How do you explain that?

        • SorosBot

          dammit.

      • SorosBot

        And we still actually can explain how that tide goes in, tide goes out.

        • genxr

          Not to Billo Baggerz, you can't!

        • Lionel[redacted]Esq

          Great minds, eh?

  • nounverb911

    I used to "commute" to Copenhagen, sometimes I wished I stayed there, but then I would have had to give up the Yankees and Katz's deli.

  • Junior, I am very disappointed that you hate America so much. We are tops on all lists or they don't matter! USA! USA!

    • BaldarTFlagass

      I'm particularly fond of the fact that being 37th on the WHO's ranking of the world's health systems makes us have the "finest health care system on the planet."

      Of course, that's a ranking put out by one of the UN entities, so don't matter, does it? http://www.photius.com/rankings/healthranks.html

      • It only matters to people who don't have their heads up their own asses…. or Rush Limbaugh's.

      • Cicada

        I actually saw someone argue that that ranking was unfair because it considers the number of people without access to health care.
        You know, because if you don't consider all the people who are sick and dying because they can't afford to see a doctor, our health care system is AWESOME.

        • Ducksworthy

          They used to argue about our outrageous infant mortality rate that the civilized countries were more "homogenous" (read: not so many blacks and browns) or course now that Cuba ranks better than we do, I haven't heard that in a while.

      • GOPCrusher

        When they gave President Obama the Nobel Peace Prize, the cry came up that the fact that Bush didn't get one was proof that the world hates America, because we are so awesome.

      • Jukesgrrl

        UN = UNexceptional, doncha know?

  • Lionel[redacted]Esq

    Yeah, but how are any of those countries doing killing brown people? And if that is not the secret to true happiness, how do you explain the 'baggers?

    • prommie

      Ah, what you don't understand is that those happy countries, they don't have to deal with all these shiftless negroes we have here, thats why they are so happy and prosperous. They are whitey-white white places. All the unemployeds and welfares and drug addicts here are shiftless negroes, they drag us down. Just ask any red state pigfucker, and they'll tell you, as long as they don't think you are recording them and noone else will hear.

      • GOPCrusher

        Read the Yahoo comments on the Japanese earthquakes and tsunami. The recurring theme is that there are no stories about looting. And the reason there is no looting is because there are no blacks in Japan.
        But that doesn't mean the commentors are racists.

      • mumbly_joe

        Which is always hilarious, if you're the sort of person who has any familiarity with the refugee asylum rates amongst the developed nations. Here's a hint: it happens to look a lot like the "happiest nations" list, too. Here's another hint: Norway is picking up more than our share of the "human migration" tab for our latest set of foreign adventures, which is kinda hilarious since Norway has something like 1.5% the total population of the US.

        • BlueMonkeh

          And yet, Norway is supposed to be a really great place to live.

  • Captain_Quark

    I read the headline as "Hippest" and it made me wonder if the hipsters could really be trusted to deliver on social services.

    • DangerHelvetica

      A PBR at every pot party! (Do they call them those? God, I'm unhip.)

    • AngryGeometer

      I'm sure they'd do a good job running the Mine Safety Health department. You know, underground.

      • Angry_Marmot

        Good at black ops, too, because, you know, no one's found out about it yet.

  • Weenus299

    Yeah, they're happy because they're living on the carcasses of unborn children and the hopes and dreams of their grandchildren. We sad people don't have shit, but you know what? We're fat as hell and we can go to church and deal with it by pretending we're going to kick everyone's ass.

  • Lascauxcaveman

    I think we Americans can take comfort in the fact that our top 1% earners are happier than their top 1% earners.

    So take that, rest of the world!

    • V572..whatever

      And why shouldn't our Riches be happier, since they hardly pay any taxes? Fifteen percent on cap gains/interest or GTFO, you lousy socialists! I worked for that fortune I inherited!

    • riverside68

      Hell, our top 1% make more then the whole rest of the world combined.
      Just like our military budget is many times bigger than the rest of the world combined.
      USA USA USA!

      PS Happiness is overrated also.

  • sportshort

    The teabaggers would say: "There ain't no guarantee of happiness!! Dammit, if you ain't lucky enough to have been born rich, won the lottery, be famous, cute/hot as hell, have big tits, then you should just shut up and get a shit job, so you can pay into a system we're gonna change just as soon as we figure out how your lazy ass is gaming it to deprive us of our hard earned dollars, you bottom feeding maggots!"

    • baconzgood

      Sarah Palin? Is that you? Oh no it isn't, it's Lou Sarah.

    • DaRooster

      I just saw a guy on a Hoveround at McDonald's… pretty shabby but he did have big tits! So I guess he's made it?

    • riverside68

      That sure is an awful lot of words strung together end to end like.

      Not sure teabaggers have the attention span to put that many words in a row on one thought. (That's not even counting the number of syllables in some of those words.)

      And a bunch of them are thought provoking: rich, lottery, tits, shit. They make it very hard to keep your train of thought on track.

    • elviouslyqueer

      No no. "This entire blog can be shipped to Afghanistan, no one has lost any," more like.

    • RadioJr.

      Tits or Unhappiness!!1!

      • AJWjr.

        Tits and unhappiness. They're not mutually exclusive, you know.

        • Biel_ze_Bubba

          Why do you hate America?

          • AJWjr.

            If you could only see the tits on women my age, you'd understand the sadness.

  • KeepFnThatChicken

    On one hand, the invisible hand of the free market provided a robust R&D system to make some of the greatest drugs ever.

    On the other, the legal department makes the commercials that sell them the least entertaining thing on television.

    After all the pros and cons are washed out, we at least have valium and xanax. YMMV.

    • mavenmaven

      If you mean "pharmaceutical" drugs, those are all made in Europe (Novartis, Merck, J&J, etc).
      Even meth was first made in Japan… http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Methamphetamine

      • KeepFnThatChicken

        Fine. You're likely right, since our kids are clearly not chemistry majors anymore.

        But them furriners don't make Jack Daniel's.

      • Arken

        Hey, Eli Lilly is based in the good old U.S. of A. Keep taking your Prozac!

        • Biel_ze_Bubba

          Merck is in Rahway. J&J in New Brunswick.
          New Jersey knows drugs!

    • riverside68

      Dude, you left out KY!

      Where would we be without KY? Think about it: there would be no Santorium.

      • GOPCrusher

        There's always Astroglide.

    • Gorillionaire

      All that fancy R&D is subsidized by the Federal Government. Then when it becomes a commercial product you get to pay for it again. Double awesome.

      • KeepFnThatChicken

        Isn't that taken care of by the profits earned from pharmaceutical corporations?

        WELL?! ISN'T IT?!

    • SorosBot

      The free market has provided an R&D system that has given us many different brands of boner pills. USA! USA!

  • Yeah, but do those other places know Jesus Christ as their personal Saviors? Or do they go on Sharia only? Well?

    • easynews

      For extra fun, remind them that Denmark was one of the first countries in the world to legalize gay marriage. So Danes are both happy and fabulous!

  • Gopherit

    Happiness is overrated. Everyone knows that only arbeit macht frei.

    • SayItWithWookies

      As Jesus said, "Consider the lilies — fuck those lazy bastards."

  • Slim_Pickins

    Have you ever met a "happy" Republican? Nuf said.

    • nounverb911

      Chris Craft Chrisitie?

      • fartknocker

        At Denny's during Baconalia?

      • Slim_Pickins

        I said happy not jolly. Christie like a pirate is jolly, as are Republicans when adding to their treasures.

    • V572..whatever

      That's one of the great mysteries. Even during the Chimpy Era, when they had both houses of congress, the executive branch and a solid SCOTUS majority, they were still going around acting butt-hurt at the way the liberals picked on them, took their lunch money, wouldn't invite 'em to parties,etc.

    • GOPCrusher

      No.

    • Biel_ze_Bubba

      Limbaugh, freshly dosed with oxycontin?

      • Slim_Pickins

        You got me there, its the exception that proves the rule.

    • Jukesgrrl

      They're not happy, but they do smug better than anyone.

  • waitforsugar

    Can't we just invade, pillage the happiness, and then make the top of the list?

    • Goonemeritus

      No but if bomb the shit out of those happy countries they will definitely become less happy and we will inch up the list.

      • riverside68

        USA USA USA
        We can do it, YES WE CAN!
        bomb bomb bomb iran!
        USA USA USA.

      • Defense wins championships!

  • Lucidamente1

    Come on, Junior, everybody knows that Disney World is the happiest place on earth.

    • Rosie_Scenario

      Unless you get salmonella from the giant turkey leg. Then you are on your own.

  • Yeah but those countries are either really hot or really cold!
    So no thank you very much.

    • BarryOPotter

      Yeah but those countries are either really hot or really cold!

      That's what your overlords want you to believe…

  • blinky_twinkie

    I'm moving to Canada, Finland, Australia, Switzerland and Denmark.

  • edgydrifter

    Happiness is treason.

  • Duly_Noted

    Happy is just a State of Mind and can't compete with the spectacular awesomeness of having the capacity to kill foreigners all across the world.

    • DaRooster

      Confusion is also a state of mind… that's kinda where I'm at these days.

  • Cicada

    We're on top of the only list that matters: Military and defense spending. That's the only way we can stay free to be terrified of starving to death if we lose our jobs.

    • Don't forget per capita number of incarcerated citizens, and citizens on Death Row.

      • V572..whatever

        It's not just per capita — we have the overall largest number of slammer denizens of any nation on earth! USA! USA! USA!
        http://www.nationmaster.com/graph/cri_pri-crime-p

        • SenileAgitation

          I call shenanigans! Cuba has 0? Monoco has 13? I'd guess we may have a few more than they say. Still, it's exciting to be ahead of China in producing something.

    • UpfistFairy

      Mmmmm the pride just oozes from my pasteurized cheese food product-filled pores.

  • Barb

    We have yet to have a measurable rainfall here in New Mexico this year, so far.

    • OneDollarJuana

      You live in the desert. Get used to it.

      (but then, I constantly bitch about the rain here in Seattle)

  • chilequiles

    Truck Nutz indeed! Too depressing to snark… -_-

  • Social Services, Healthy Environment, Good Schools & Health Care

    G.E., J.P. Morgan, Goldman Sachs, etc. Do Not Want!

    Not good for corporate profits. And George Carlin predicted all of this many years ago.
    ~

    • karen

      George, along with a fabulously liberal education, have shaped my views on life and my approach to politics, policy, and society in America. The man was a no-bullshit genius, I miss his insight.

  • chascates

    And all of those countries have progressive tax rates.

    • Cicada

      You mean all of those countries "punish the successful", don't you?

      USA! USA! USA!

  • American Exceptionalism is a deep-seated fear of change and the other and is found in shrieking abundance in areas 60 to 70 miles outside of most major population centers (excluding Tejas & Arizona).

    • DahBoner

      Where it's found just about anywhere?

    • HistoriCat

      In Texas, the distance is about 20 miles if you're lucky.

  • Goonemeritus

    That may be but at least we are better armed than those happy countries.

  • fuflans

    what are you talking about junior? have you ever BEEN to an olive garden????

    sheesh.

  • neiltheblaze

    Our collective unhappiness is the one thing we're willing share here in the USofA – making each other miserable is what we do best. OK Denmark – you might be happy, but how exceptional are you?? Huh??

  • HelmutNewton

    I'm sure it's just a coincidence that all of the happiest countries (with the exception of Israel) are full of heathen atheists/agnostics, too.

    • Doktor Zoom

      They don't have the good sense to know that God wants us miserable.

    • riverside68

      My understanding is that Israel is full of atheists/agnostics too.

      Anyway your religion doesn't count if it doesn't have restricted entry heaven or a demi-god who died a miserable painful god-forsaken death for you whose blood you drink and flesh you eat.

      Is this a great country or what!

      • V572..whatever

        Israel may be full of non-believers, but the jehadis are in charge. Apparently you can't elected to a school board there unless you're a war hero.

        • BlueMonkeh

          And with mandatory national service, it's not like it's hard to find an Israeli vet…

    • UpfistFairy

      My kid's never even heard of "god" and yet she's pretty much the happiest person I know. Better check her birth certificate, she may be a Swede.

      • BlueMonkeh

        I should be so lucky. Now all I can hope is that my daughter can hook and marry some Euro trash boy and bring the whole carpetbaggin yankee famblee over.

    • Dashboard_Jesus

      of course Israel has Universal Health Care, FASCISTS! (too soon?)

  • freakishlywrong

    I get dibs on playing Piggy.

  • SaintRond

    Whenever I'm feeling sad and blue, I just remember an old school yard rhyme from Kindergarten…

    "My name is Robert Hall
    And I hate you one and all
    GODDAMN YOUR EYES!!!"

    Now I feel better.

    • KeepFnThatChicken

      Most greatest poem since Shel Silverstein.

    • doloras

      Hear Johnny Cash sing the full version on his last album: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pdfkdVmmLeA

      • SaintRond

        I had no idea. I thought it was just us kids, though I did read it in a Jim Thompson book being recited by a five year old.

    • Swampgas_Man

      I thought it was SAM Hall.

      • doloras

        The original version was JACK Hall, fact fans.

  • poncho_pilot

    the water in some places is, though. in Texas. also.

  • baconzgood

    So now we're going to joke and snark about us being depressed….How delicious.

  • BaldarTFlagass

    Happiness is the maximum agreement between desire and reality.

    —Joseph Stalin

    • Geminisunmars

      And he left a wake of Happiness, dint he.

  • Lionel[redacted]Esq

    And, surely the fact that the rich are incredibly happy makes up for all the suffering of the prols, right?

  • MinAgain

    Sing with me!

    If you're happy, and you know it,
    You're the Danes!
    If you're happy, and you know it,
    You're the Swiss!
    If you're happy, and you know it,
    Then your safety net will show it.
    If you're happy, and you know it,
    You're not us!

    • "I'll keep my guns, money and freedom. You can keep the techno!"

    • Nothingisamiss

      *clap clap*

  • Sue4466

    Screw happiness.

    Long hours, shitty pay, no job security, broken health care, cut-rate education, polluted water, rampant obesity, and unbreathable air are all the hallmarks of American Exceptionalism.

    Go freedum!

    • freakishlywrong

      Are you..me?

      • BlueMonkeh

        I'm not a witch. I'm you. (Or something like that.)

  • BarackMyWorld

    Happiness is a warm gun.

    Bang bang, shoot shoot.

  • I don't see Wasilla on that list!

  • Pragmatist2

    Poor savages! They just don't know any better.

    • emmelemm

      Fucking awesome.

  • Allmighty_Manos

    Happiness and security are unconstitutional.

    • freakishlywrong

      Right up there with social safety nets, food stamps and child labor laws.

  • People are unhappy here because taxes are too high. Duh.

  • Doktor Zoom

    You think Canada would take me? I have some marketable skills, although they're mostly related to teaching college-level writing… Oh, wait, maybe they value that sort of thing?

  • "With great power comes great responsibility" Those words are as true now as when Spiderman's uncle said them in that revolutionary first movie. Fortunately, we Americans don't have actually take any responsibility. The poor, the elderly, the sick. Fuck 'em all. Because God has blessed the U.S.A.

  • Bonzos_Bed_Time

    Happy, happy, joy, joy…

  • x111e7thst

    But we have guns, many guns. So if those happy commies come round here we can shoot them right in their smiley faces.

    • iburl

      Also be sure to shoot anybody else who complains or finds any fault's with Jesus' America.

      • riverside68

        But since the local haters won't have smiley faces, you have to shoot them in their pie-holes!

  • Come here a minute

    Freedom from Social Services, Freedom from a Healthy Environment, Freedom from Good Schools & Freedom from Health Care — the Republican Four Freedoms.

  • BTWBFDIMHO

    But why is Donald Trump crying on that picture?

    • elviouslyqueer

      He found out that Sarah Palin does indeed have the biggest ego.

  • phlox✔

    From what I remember, happiness is a warm gun.
    I don't think I can buy a dozen warm guns all at once in supposedly 'happy' countries like Denmark.

    • easynews

      Actually you can't buy ANY handguns in Denmark. A rifle only after you have passed a 25 hour course to get a hunting permit. And then only an actual hunting rifle – no assault weapons. And the number of gun-related deaths per year? 8 to 15 out of a population of roughly 5 million. That's like a single weekend in Philadelphia.

      • genxr

        While this might make the average population happy, in America it's all about freedom for the individual. Specifically, the angry loner quietly plotting the next shopping center shooting spree.

        • BarryOPotter

          …about freedom for the individual. Specifically, the angry loner quietly plotting

          Screw that guy! If he's not happy, then he can get his shit and just move to…, uh… Here. Fuck.

          • riverside68

            Dude, that was so eighteenth and nineteenth century. How do you think northern europe sorted its self out? Shipped all the weirdos to the new world.

      • It's always gunny in Philadelphia.

  • mormos

    I was going to post this in the last post but I’m at work and couldn’t. it seems more appropriate here anyway.

    Aside form the outright greed of the conservative elite, I think I just realized something about the general conservative base, the teabagger types. One, they are scared of being obsolete in a fast changing world; this I knew. But two, they are unable to admit, to others and themselves, that America is not the best country in the world. They believe, they have faith, that America is the greatest country on earth, that the founders and framers of the constitution were demi-gods, and that no one can possibly be better than us. When you indulge in this kind of self-delusion, when you refuse to admit that your country is not perfect, you have no reason to change, and leave yourself no avenue for change. You become stuck in time, unable to adapt, unable to evolve.

    Sorry if this was obvious to everybody but me.

    • genxr

      It's obvious to everyone except 51% of the voting population.

    • MissTaken

      I bet there were teabagger types in the Roman Empire just before it fell, too, screaming about Roman Exceptionalism while roaming their fat arses around on chariots pulled by slaves, the Original Hoveround.

    • easynews

      Another reason to blame Zombie Reagan for the current mess. He didn't come up with the idea, but he sold it all too well. It's almost like the teabaggers think that they can click their heals together 3 times and wake up from this horrible dream – safely back in the 1950's where there quite certainly was not a black person in The White House. Except for 'the help,' of course.

    • PabaBritannica

      GM was run like this for a while. They had the government to bail them out. Now, who bails the government out?

      • riverside68

        The Chinese?

        How's your Mandarin?

        • Dashboard_Jesus

          I've been recommending to all 20 of my nieces and nephews that they SERIOUSLY take Mandarin lessons as part of their edumakashun ASAP, so as to be pleasing in the eyes of their Chinese overlords (of course ALL their Chinese bosses will speak perfect English, but maybe the xtra effort will help get some low level management postiton)

  • poncho_pilot

    this is kind of where i see us going. i might be cynical.
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XSXM3Zg0eBo

    • PabaBritannica

      Thought it was going to be Idiocracy…

  • easynews

    USA #1 in:

    – Total Crimes
    – Rape
    – CO2 Emissions
    – Divorce Rate
    – Teen Birth Rate
    – Heart Attack Rate
    – McDonald's Restaurants
    – Plastic Surgery
    – Prisoners

    Hooray?

    • Executions, too.

      • easynews

        Kinda OT, but there is a big stink here in DK now re: executions. Public pressure is mounting against the company that manufactures the drug used for lethal injections sold to USAmerica. There's no death penalty in Denmark, needless to say.

        • Goonemeritus

          We will keep buying your Bang & Olufsen stuff and your Hans Wegner chairs but you really should not become involved in our evil death penalty.

          • V572..whatever

            And really, the B&O stuff is insanely overpriced.

          • Goonemeritus

            They have the same business model as Apple they just have been at it longer. By the way their fans are just as insufferable.

        • Dashboard_Jesus

          you're in Denmark, the HAPPIEST place on earth? how can I get in?

          • easybaked

            Denmark has a special immigration policy for USAmericans, Canadians, Australians and Japanese, so all peeps from the above countries can enter and live here for up to 3 months without needing a visa. And if you've got skillz that are in demand, i.e. engineer, software, education or biochemistry, they will welcome you with open arms and an open-ended work visa. The language is a bit tricky to learn; it's like a blend between German and French. But all of the multinational companies use English as the official 'corporate language,' so you're good to go. And if you like Blondes with tan skin and toned muscles, you'll REALLY like it here.

    • OneDollarJuana

      At least the Pacific Islanders are fatter (per the WHO, 2010).

    • SenileAgitation

      Typical liberal slanted news. You left out #1 in
      – Churches
      – Covered Bridges
      – Friendship Rings
      – Quality Motor Inns

      • easynews

        And if I recall correctly, California actually has more vehicles than people if you count the motor homes as well. You won't see that in Commie Europe.

    • emmelemm

      I think, total overall, China is putting out more CO2 emissions than us. Per capita, well, I dunno.

    • GOPCrusher

      We have Hooters.

      • horsedreamer_1

        Always loved Alan Kulwicki doing his "Polish Victory Lap".

  • hagajim

    How happy will all those bastards in those other countries be once we blow the shithell outta all of 'em. AMERICA AMERICA AMERICA – HELL YEAH!!!

    • emmelemm

      If we can't be happy, nobody can!!!

      USA USA USA

  • Allmighty_Manos

    Look if the founding fathers wanted a government that provided some security from ups and downs of a modern 21st century post-industrial society, they would have put it in the constitution.

    • Oblios_Cap

      Or somehting like that might be mentioned in a holy book; say, a bible…

    • SorosBot

      They would have done something like give Congress the power to lay and collect Taxes, Duties, Imposts and Excises, to pay the Debts and provide for the common Defence and general Welfare of the United States.

  • hagajim

    Did Sarah see the statue crying like that? And did she place the blame for it directly on the black man in the white house? Rhetorical questions all.

  • Crank_Tango

    I think Exceptional is to Nations as Special is to Retards.

    • Oblios_Cap

      Lewis Black does a great bit about Americans always screaming about how great they are.

  • Apparently Obama hasn't gotten around to redistributing the happiness yet.

  • Oblios_Cap

    The richest 1% of Americans pursue happiness by taking everything from everybody else, while the average American pursues happiness by hating people in the same dire financial straits but with some superficial difference in skin color or religious background.

    I always just assumed that was the 11th commandment.

  • Rosie_Scenario

    Another way to know that U.S. America is not on the "happiness" list: moronic, pandering GOP politicians have to tell us over and over how great we are. Worthless hype. Everybody gets a medal . . . of freedumb. Who needs healthcare and security. We're number one. USA! USA!

  • SorosBot

    But Lennon told us that happiness is a warm gun, which should make America the happiest country on Earth.

    • easynews

      The estimated total number of guns held by civilians in the United States is 270,000,000. So, yeah, I guess so.

    • Geminisunmars

      How warm is Sweetness? Sweetness sure makes Stephen happy.

  • Happiness is teh socializmz!1!!1111!!

  • Peace in our time

    Shouldn't we be blaming this on teachers' unions and the EPA?

    • Cicada

      Oh Barry, you so crazy!

      Did you change your screen name from "Barrythebicyclefish" because you thought it would somehow link back to your commenting history on Breitbart? Or is it just that you felt "Peace in our time" was more clever since it referenced Neville Chamberlain? If so, I have some bad news for you, Chamberlain actually said "peace for our time".

  • Eve8Apples

    The countries on the happy list also do not have a Faux news channel — that's no coincidence.

  • Sure if you define happy as "getting all the blowjobs (or the female equivalent) you want all the time any time." But if you define happiness as "constantly defending freedom" then WE WIN!!1!

    • MissTaken

      I'll take the female blowjob equivalent instead, thank you very much!

      • It's a quandary. "Blowjob" is a strange contrivance, considering how there's not really any blowing, and while it may sometimes be a chore, it's not anyone's idea of a "job." I can't really think of the yoni to "blowjob's" phallus. The mind immediately goes to Cuntsuck, but right away there's something wanting. Jawbreaker? Coozegloss? I think I'm out of my league here…

  • FNMA

    Actually, I think it was 1980 when Saint Ronnie was elected.

    • BarryOPotter

      I hate that "you've already voted on that comment" pop-up! I know that! I just really like it…

  • MozakiBlocks

    I actually traveling to both Denmark and Finland on a trip which starts this Friday.

    Should I decide to stay in one of these countries, all Wonketteers are invited for a visit.

    • SenileAgitation

      Please report back on all the happiness you encounter.

    • easynews

      If you're gonna be in or near Copenhagen, you'll want to try Riz-Raz Restaurant. They have an exquisite & inexpensive all-you-can-eat vegetarian buffet. And a selection of steaks and such as well, if you are so inclined.
      http://maps.google.dk/maps/place?um=1&ie=UTF-

    • Geminisunmars

      What's the address? Would help if you could send a check too.

  • DaRooster

    "We can’t think of a joke to end this. Truck Nutz?"

    Amen!
    Happiness Shmappiness… shut up and drive… WE'RE GOIN' TO THE TITTY BAR!!

  • MrFizzy

    We have a lot of happy people in this country – it's just that they're all defense industry executives and professional basketball players.

  • BaldarTFlagass

    God Bless America!!!1!!

  • PabaBritannica

    My occupation is actually on the list of skilled professions that will allow you to immigrate to Canada without an actual job. I've considered moving there to go into business for myself, in all seriousness. Once we have a kid, I've decided that we really have no choice unless that kid is going to have a shitty education or we decide to move to maybe parts of New England (would say the Pacific NW, but I hate the weather there). We're sure as hell not going back to where me or my wife came from (Florida and West Virginia).

    • sezme

      Probably the thing that makes Canadians happiest is that they aren't in America. Is that so wrong? BTW, If you're waiting till you have a child, you might want to start the application process now, because the wheels can move exceedingly slowly. Also, I just want to point out that the public school system in Toronto is by and large, excellent.

      • PabaBritannica

        I just have this feeling that if I lived in Canada, I'd stop reading about politics so much and thus free up a couple of hours a day for hobbies I used to have before 2004 or so.

        I already know I'm going to probably get laid off by 2013 (because of public budget cuts) and my wife is mobile and has no health insurance through her job (I do, thankfully), so it's time to start packing it in.

        • Dashboard_Jesus

          last time I was in TO the driver of the trolley car I was riding on figures out I'm from 'the states' right away (didn't know a looney from a tooney?) and this nice blue collar white guy looks up at me and sez, "so why don't you people want everyone to have health care?' …all I could come up with at the moment was a deep sigh…

    • littlebigdaddy

      Yeah, Canuckistan is not bad–lived there for 5 years–as long as you cling close to the border (no problem–most major cities are there) and can get ESPN.

    • MrFizzy

      Pray tell, what professions qualify, because whatever they are, I'm one of those!

    • emmelemm

      Do you have a link to a list of these skilled professions? I… want to check on something.

      Also, I live in the Pac NW (and I love the weather, but I'm bonkers), and while it's better than most places in this U.S. of A., it's still the U.S. of A.

      On a weather side note, when I read The Shipping News (which I didn't think was the greatest novel ever, but I liked it), I thought, "Damn, I could totally move to Newfoundland, for the weather." (Toldja I was crazy.)

    • Dashboard_Jesus

      I've been to Toronto several times the last couple of years and it's a lovely, diverse city…think Chicago but without the crime/ gangs/ homeless/ trash/ political machine/ douchebags…srsly, I HIGHLY recommend it!

  • RedneckMuslin

    I thought Disneyland was the happiest place on Earth.

    • DashboardBuddha

      Only when Minnie is fucking Goofy.

      • RedneckMuslin

        Well, Sarah Palin and Michelle Bachmann are fucking goofy!

    • SorosBot

      Based on this article it may be – Disneyland Paris that is.

  • mormos

    I know we are often compared to Rome, and while the comparison fits in some instances, it falls short in others. For instance, Rome wasn’t this fucking incompetent.

  • prommie

    I know one dude who is unhappy, its this Weiner guy, who apparently now has made the ridiculous statement that he "can't say with certitude" that the wiener in the picture is not his wiener. Oops, this isn't going to come out well. Whats he gonna say, that he loaned it to someone else, and that guy must have been driving it when the pic was taken?

  • easynews

    And tax cuts! That's the solution. Mr. Boehner, tear down that tax wall!!!

  • BlueStateLibel

    Watching the elitist PBS one evening, a Swiss fellow commented that in Switzerland they actually have MORE freedom and opportunity than Americans because they're not constantly worrying about shit like basic healthcare, food, bankruptcy, etc. Why do the Happy Countries want to take away our FREEDOMS to be miserable?!

  • SorosBot

    You know, it only took a week for little Wonkette Jr. to take on Ken's tone of doom and gloom, instead of sticking to the dick jokes. Jimmy Ruffin had it right; happiness is just an illusion, filled with sadness and confusion.

  • Beetagger

    What, doesn't Wonkette Jr. believe in American Exceptionalism???

  • El Pinche

    One day we'll all get our heads out of Kim Kardashian's boobs and notice things are fucked up.

    • FNMA

      How dare you drag me from my "happy place."

    • genxr

      How did her boobs score in this survey? Because I wanna live there!

    • Peace in our time

      If she'll stop sticking them in my face and begging me to lick them, then I'll ignore her.

  • WhatTheHeck

    But I thought Disneyland was the Happiest place in the world.
    So, don't worry, be happy.

    • OneDollarJuana

      FYI, Walt Disney was a fascist. Funny guy and a good cartoonist, but still a fascist.

  • Peace in our time

    It's because we're no longer on the gold standard and because The Adventures of Ozzie and Harriet wasn't renewed this season.

  • Happy nations are all alike, each unhappy nation is unhappy in its own way.

  • CrunchyKnee

    No, all their ancestors came to Iowazonatucky.

  • Only proper response is to blow up the makers of the list and torture everyone they knew.

  • According to the article, Canadians are well educated, literate and in good health.

    No wonder they are so unexceptional when compared to the United States of Amerikkika.

  • V572..whatever

    SCOTUS fucked us all in 2000. It was bearable until then.

  • sportshort

    "Mommy, what's a 'sane life/work balance'?"

  • UpfistFairy

    I just tried to upfist this twice.

  • Fox n Fiends

    "WHERE AT LEAST I KNOW I'M FREE"

    now i know why that line makes sense.

  • BruceSugar

    USA USA USA!!!

    WE GOT HIM!

    *high five*

  • UpfistFairy

    I know, what the hell? I post, get upfists and yet my Pee-score goes down? I hope they're paying you trolls into that 1% Rich Person bracket. This is your equivalent of jihad, isn't it?

  • PabaBritannica

    GO WITH THAT. Halifax is awesome, even if it is literally the city on the edge of forever (there's NOTHING else nearby, Montreal is over 12 hours away).

  • charlesdegoal

    The original reference was to the pursuit of property, not happiness. That one pretty much worked out.

    Also, have you ever wondered how come there are only about 5 million Danes or Finns or Swiss? And not that many more Canadians or Austrians either? Culling is what I think.

    • genxr

      Like Logan's Run? If you become unhappy, they send you to… Carousel!

  • littlebigdaddy

    Come on, Ken, we know it's you in there! This "Wonkette Jr." thing is just one of those typical meth-binge work benders that characterizes our oligarchic socioeconomic system.

  • JerkCade

    Has anyone observed yet that happiness is a warm gun? . . .

    I understand happiness is a warm gun.

    But hey, guys – happiness is a warm gun

    Oh wait, maybe someone else made that joke already.

  • littlebigdaddy

    You will just have to get to love Tim Horton! That is as unhealthy as anything here. Coffee very good, though.

    • PabaBritannica

      They have Tim Horton in Ohio. Plan of attack:

      1. Get Tim Horton's job
      2. Do a good job
      3. Ask for transfer to Canadian Tim Horton's

      Easy as 1, 2, 3. We have no collective excuse.

  • AJWjr.

    Today, we are all Monegasque. Or at least wish we were.

  • SorosBot

    The rest of us stuck in the US will be very jealous of you, hoser.

  • AJWjr.
    • Geminisunmars

      hubba hubba hubba hubba

  • OneDollarJuana

    They also had several rounds of bubonic plague, which didn't help.

  • SheriffRoscoe

    According to my teevee, Real Murikans who buy and wear Snuggies® seem happy enough. Probably because they can enjoy their chips and french onion dip without getting cold arms.

  • emmelemm

    The richest 1% of Americans pursue happiness by taking everything from everybody else, while the average American pursues happiness by hating people in the same dire financial straits but with some superficial difference in skin color or religious background.

    And with that, Wonkette Jr., you've pretty much summed up the state of this pathetic country. You're a keeper.

    (Now get your own damn by-line and be outed, damn it!)

  • GOPCrusher

    Those weapons systems are the only thing standing between us and the rest of the world coming in here to steal our Best In The World Health Care!

    • Jukesgrrl

      Let 'em have our healthcare, so they can see the fallacy of their thinking. "I'm sorry, sir, we can't remove that splinter. But if you wait for it to get infected we can cut your leg off and it will go away then. You can pay us for the amputation by signing over your house. Don't expect any prosthetic devices or physical therapy, though."

  • Swampgas_Man

    Consider the percentage that goes to still protecting all those happy countries, and allows them to avoid spending any of their GDP on defense from the Ruskies.

    • snoopyfan2010

      What you mean like we're the developed world's bodyguard or something?

    • The Euros will forever overlook this key to their economic security in order to continue fucking the chicken of America's Ultimate Evil in the World. Flap flap flap!

      God, I sound almost wingtarded there, but I get tired of Euro economic smugness and the pretension that history's blood isn't on their hands, too.

  • salt_bagel

    Pfft. The reality TV in those countries must really blow.

  • carolinaswamp

    Forgive me for bypassing the primary subject, but Israel has low taxes????? Then why are we sending them so much of our own tax money???? Why can't they pay for the Iraq war????

  • mourningnmerica

    But we can kill people from fucking remote consoles. Who needs a populace that can think critically when you got that, eh? Like the Romans, if we just continue to feed the military budget, our empire will NOT ever crash and burn.

  • widget2011

    Apparently, the Beatles had it right "happiness is a warm gun."

    Rupaulblicans = Mean mister mustard

  • mourningnmerica

    We are troolie ecksepshenul.

  • PhilippePetain

    Those aren't tears running down Lady Liberty's face.

  • horsedreamer_1

    But, but — we do ave a great Army!

    • And most excellent gated communities.

    • Jukesgrrl

      It's the only job any of the youngs can get with a high school diploma. Except for becoming reality TV stars, a dream so many believe in but so few achieve. They can't even invent the PC in their garages since someone already did that.

  • Biel_ze_Bubba

    They're the exceptions!

  • Biel_ze_Bubba

    There's a half-dozen upfist-worthy bites right there. How do you do it?

    • Barb

      Thanks.

      • Beowoof

        I would have upfisted just for the Stanley Cup knowledge.

        • Barb

          Hey Beo, who are we rooting for tonight?

          • Beowoof

            I grew up in Niagara Falls in the 60's and the one highlight of living there was Hockey Night in Canada from Toronto. Got to see lots of Bobby Orr et al and was a Bruins fan till the Sabres joined the league. So I guess I am going back to my roots and rooting for Boston.

          • Barb

            I grew up in the same place at the same time!

          • Beowoof

            I remember many good folks, who are still friends, but talk about a place that can shoot itself in the foot until there are no toes left, that is it.

  • Biel_ze_Bubba

    Palin already wears a pair.

    • Jukesgrrl

      Earrings?

  • DahBoner

    In America, being in the Richest 0.01% only makes you about 15% happier than making 80K a year…

  • lumpenprole

    yeah, but we could bomb most all those people way better than they can bomb us.

  • rocktonsam

    i COULD BE HAPPY IF I WASN'T DRUNK ALL TIME.

    I LIVE IN WISCONSIN,ALSO

    WHERE AMERICA WENT TO DIE BUT WILL RISE UP, RISE UP i tells ya.

  • RadioJr.

    I didn't know Anita Ekberg is black. That made me happy for a minute. So do these.

  • Jukesgrrl

    We'll find out when Michelle Bachmann gets in the race and they fight over: who loves America more, who loves the Constitution more, who loves Jesus more, who loves The Troops more, and who is happier.

  • Jukesgrrl

    Um, I think that would be Worldz Most Happiest Nashun.

  • Negropolis

    America decided very early — at the outset of the nation, in fact — that it could fuctions without the direct participation of entire portions of its populace, and that never really changed, even throughout all of the reformations (abolition of slavery, women's suffrage, civil rights…). We've decided that we can literally function at an adequate enough level with literally tens of millions of our citizens chronically out of work for decades now.

    It's finally caught up with us. This Faustian bargain has been laid plainly clear. Some ridiculous amount of Americans for decades have indentified themselves as "middle class" even when they clearly weren't. It was an aspiration. We've finally been forced to stop pretending that this shitty system we have "works." It doesn't. Never has.

    Until there is full economic intergration of society, until we place as much worth on the character and value of a man as much as we place on what he produces, until we come to grips with the fact that the habitual disenfranchizement of entire swaths of our society costs us more in the long run than what we gain in the short run, this is why we can't and won't have nice things.

    Sorry, no snark, I'm just sick of shit not actually and fundamentally changing, economically. The near entire "success" of Post WWII America has been an illusion.

  • Naked_Bunny

    Happiness is owning an arsenal to protect the junk in your 1972 Kenwood single-wide from the neighbor kids.

  • NadePaulKuciGravMcKi

    distribution of wealth

    80% of the US population
    controls
    less than 6% of the US wealth

  • BZ1

    38th with a bullet (going down) USA! USA! USA!

  • MissusBarry

    She can't see any of the happy countries from Chez Grifter, so they don't matter. Or maybe don't even exist. One can't just go around taking this type of thing as fact.

  • Diabeetis

    Many Europeans also dislike people with different skin colors and/or religious backgrounds, though.

  • Dashboard_Jesus

    what's that quote about insanity? something about invading the same fucking country over and over again expecting different results!

  • Like the article, right up until the common – and infuriating – misconception in the end regarding the meaning of "pursuit of happiness." Maybe if we'd stop mis-reading that as "the right to chase happiness" rather than "the right to enjoy happiness as a way of life, endeavor, or activity," we might rid ourselves of the idea that "we have the right to pursue happiness, but nobody guarantees we'll catch it."

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