and they're all on food stamps

Liberals Eat Fancy Healthy Food, Conservatives Eat Awful Garbage

Teabagger Gourmet.According to a scientific survey of some people on the Internet somewhere, liberals eat the fanciest of fancy foods — while conservatives literally eat filthy garbage, mostly from fast-food anusburger chains. See if you can tell which meals were far more likely to be enjoyed by left-leaning humanists: coconut curry lamb and rice, fresh fruit, Pan Asian/French Fusion cuisine and organic vegetables. The answer, of course, is “All of them, Katie.” Because only liberals would even know what these foods are, and conservatives are eating another grease glob off their belly in the parking lot behind the Rite-Aid.

Some website called “Hunch Blog” apparently has enough survey-clickin’ users to form a completely representative sample of American cultural and political habits. And this is what was discovered:

  • Conservatives drink carbonated corn syrup all day long.
  • Conservatives don’t know what “foodie” means. (It means “urban liberal who spends too much money at restaurants.”)
  • Liberals eat ethnic food.
  • Conservatives think a BBQ chicken/Meat Lover’s Special XXXL delivery pizza from the chain with the ads in the Pennysaver is “ethnic food.”

[Hunch Blog]

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  1. ablington

    Once I was in a parking lot of an off-highway Shoney's somewhere in Tennessee. From this vantage point I saw a woman who was trying to enter a neighboring Burger King, but was too fat to get through the door. It was a profound moment for me.

    1. Lascauxcaveman

      So this is why they're retrofitting a new (larger) door at my local Burger King.

      1. Gopherit

        Along with every major metro area having to upgrade to bariatric ambulances…….and no, I am not kidding.

        1. anniegetyerfun

          I had bariatric surgery in January in hopes that drastic weight loss would help get rid of my diabeetus, which I've had it since I was a teenager, even though I wasn't actually fat when I developed it. At the time of my surgery, I weighed 207 pounds (at 5'8"), so I was fat, but not "can't get through the door" fat.

          But they had to use all the bariatric-specialty equipment for me, I guess because the different departments don't share their stuff (?), so I was on this HUGE gurney, and they had a special method, like an air hockey mattress, for moving me to the operating table. I half expected to see a crane, and the surgical staff were teasing me for making their job too easy.

          The wheelchair that I was offered later was twice the size of a normal one. It all felt very surreal, but when I think back on the people who attended the first "So, You Think You Want Lapband?" session with me, I guess that's just what you need.

          1. Gopherit

            It is surreal. I definitely can stand to lose weight…….but you know there's something really fucked somewhere when a gurney that can take 600 lb isn't big enough for standard medical equipment. I was in the hospital for an angry random infection a few months back and had a fun conversation with an EMT while being transferred to another hospital. He said he'd just come off workman's comp from trying to lift an oversized patient into his bus. This guy was in good shape. Like you said, surreal.

    2. Tundra Grifter

      Some years ago I was sitting in front of a Baskins Robbins, waiting for my date.

      After watching some of the folks walking into that establishment, i thought instead of a door it should have a large cut-out. If you can't make it through, you probably shouldn't be eating any more ice cream.

    3. GOPCrusher

      I'm sure that there was a lawsuit filed against Burger King for not providing an entrance large enough to accomodate this woman's ponderous bulk.

    4. Swampgas_Man

      I surpress my appetite by watching my fellow all-you-can-eat-and-then-some diners.

    1. weejee

      We are what we tweet.

      Kinda, sorta, well poop. Guess the A game was yesterday and we're having a Wednesday – post three-day weekend sag.

      1. ttommyunger

        OK, just checking. Maybe Sarah will cut a fart next to an open mike, who knows, the day is young?

        1. Biel_ze_Bubba

          Is someone still putting mikes next to her? I thought we were done with that.

          1. Biel_ze_Bubba

            Case on point: today's New York Fucking Times.

            Aieeee! How can we make them stop?????

    2. BaldarTFlagass

      Slow days are nice once in a while. Keeps my blood pressure low, and reduces my desire to take a huge dump on the keyboard of the Foxtard in the next cubicle.

      1. ttommyunger

        A cubicle? Next to a Foxtard? I will pray for you (no biggie, Baldar, you need the prayer and I need the practice).

    3. mumbly_joe

      Meh, if they were having a really slow newsday, they could always run my tip, about the C&L thing about how someone quantified scientifically that Congressthings' investments just so happen to do quite a bit better than the stock market at large, presumably because of magic/coincidence/ some reason other than insider trading and legislating their own financial interests I think that would be a fun story!.

      1. Lascauxcaveman

        Meh, if they were having a really slow news day, they could could always run my tip about the Republican initiative in many states to make sure the poors & young people don't get to vote, because hey, they're all fraudsters and always vote wrong anyhow.

        But you know, Wonkette has its weekly quota of "Americans Eat Crap" and "Palin is Still an Idiot" stories to file.

        1. HistoriCat

          I think they're just trying to avoid a "Wonkette readers commit suicide en masse" headline if they dump too much of the uber-depressing stuff on us.

        2. natoslug

          Wonkette Jr. won't touch your tip either? I was hoping for a little tip lovin' as well. I thought my suggestion that we quit bombing Vieques Island and help Patri Friedman build his floating Libertarian Paradise as an alternative bomb range/Libertarian holding pen was worthy of a little exposure. But no, Wonkette Jr. refuses to provide me a happy ending.

      2. ttommyunger

        Too complicated, too boring to get traction in 'Merika. Needz moar buttseks, hookers and diapers.

  2. memzilla

    "Lightly Salted Poison Rat Dicks On A Stick — With Chocolate Chips!™"

    And another Wonkette brand is born.

    1. mormos

      you're not a mormon until you've had jello with meat in it. This is a real thing, I know.

        1. BerkeleyBear

          Nah, that's the fancy foody term for it. Clear aspic or gelee is just gross as all get out, but it is considered haute cuisine.

          I believe mormos is referring to sticking ham in Jell-O, which is a disgusting low end preperation.

    2. Steverino247

      I always told my kids to eat everything on their plates because children behind the Zion Curtain had to eat shit like that.

  3. Goonemeritus

    We can still win this thing if we out live them. Let’s get the FLOTUS to Ixnay on the healthay

  4. CZL

    I grilled organic, grass fed locally sourced beef burgers this weekend. Had whole wheat buns, local veggies from the Farmer's Market, and a delightful artisan cheddar I found at the store. Served with kettle cooked organic chips.

    Does this make me a Blue Dog?

    1. DemmeFatale

      As long as we're confessing: I took shrimp salad sandwiches (on brioche buns) to the baseball game last night.
      I guess if I was a Real American, I would have paid $7.00 for a shitty hot dog.

    2. riverside68

      Liberal ___________Conservative
      grilled ____________beef
      locally sourced

      Should I go on? (I don't think there is anything else on the conservative side.)
      PS What's your address, I'll be over this weekend.

      1. jus_wonderin

        If we borrow Lou Sarah's bus we could all go over. I wonder if there is a pool there?

        1. DaRooster

          There's a pool… and a pond… pond would be good for you…

          (My favorite line EVER)

    3. HurricaneAli

      Except for the the chips and the cheddar (maybe the ww buns if they're not Nature's Own or something) that was probably a reasonably-priced meal right there. What these dipshits don't realize is that you can pay almost as much for locavore cuisine as you can for take out and, really, do they really take five seconds to think about the quality of the meat they're wolfing down from the dollar menu? Agh, this is the stuff that makes me pissed more than snarky.

        1. problemwithcaring

          Elitist. (No seriously. The average American spends about half of that per day on food, and poor people probably spend closer to $5 for breakfast, lunch and dinner. )

    4. justkillmenow

      I had a great comment this weekend during our cookout. Guest: "Where did you get those lean, tasty brats? What are those?" Me:"Venison"
      Am I no longer a lib if I kill my own meat?

      1. CZL

        Real Muricans like Sarah Palin only pretend to hunt to get the anti-nigra tea party sportsmen vote.

  5. smitallica

    Considering their much higher propensity to watch Fox News and listen to Rush Limbaugh, conservatives also seem to eat a lot more horseshit than liberals.

    However, in conservatives' defense, if horseshit was served at some tony TrBeCa café for $18 a plate, I'm sure liberals would GORGE themselves on it.

    1. SorosBot

      Back when I was a college freshman I had the world's worst roommate, who religiously watch Rush's (thankfully long-dead) TV show every day. The majority of the ads were for either obvious scams or shitty greasy microwave meals; the show's top sponsor was Hot Pockets; you can't get much greasier or inedible than that shit.

      1. jus_wonderin

        Hot Pockets should be used as a torture device. Right up there with Pizza fresh from the oven.

    2. riverside68

      Liberals don't gorge.

      But at $18 a plate it would be the cheapest thing on the menu, so I am sure it would move.

    3. ThundercatHo

      Oh please, let it be so. I've got 3 horses and would be only too happy to supply an endless amt of pure organic horse shit. Plus, I bet if we dipped it in batter, deep fried it and dusted it with powdered sugar we might have some fair food.

  6. ifthethunderdontgetya

    But Bill O'Reilly went to Harlem once.

    Bill O'Reilly reported that he "couldn't get over the fact that there was no difference between Sylvia's restaurant and any other restaurant in New York City.

    In contrast to myself, he probably never went back, which I suppose proves your point, Jr.

    1. easynews

      Ah, but you see he just thought that his food was the same. Me, I'm bettin' that the cook put a 'special' topping on it.

  7. fartknocker

    Herman Cain couldn't make a decent pizza if he hired every Italian from New Jersey. If this asshole can't make a decent pizza, he's obviously not worthy to be President. Because Pizza is America.

    Also, that survey was scientifically flawed. None of the measurements evaluated quiche, Jack Daniels whiskey, or chicken fajitas. Those are my food groups.

    1. tessiee

      "None of the measurements evaluated quiche, Jack Daniels whiskey, or chicken fajitas. Those are my food groups."

      Well, if you're going to get all sciencey and stuff about it, the four basic food groups are:
      1. Sugar
      2. Fat
      3. Caffeine
      4. Salt.
      Chocolate contains three of the four, which is why it's considered the perfect food.

  8. fredbell

    Huh?..I'm confused…..I thought the Pancakes and Sausage on a stick chocolate-chip flavor came dipped in melted cheddar cheese?…Is this the lo-fat alternative?

    1. petehammer

      Due to the economy and the effects of "monetization," "Mega Cheeze Dipp'n" sauce is now sold separately (but on the same shelf). It still doesn't contain real cheddar cheese, but rather industrial lubricant byproduct from Koch Industries.

    2. riverside68

      Pleeeeze, it's dipped in 'MERICAN cheese!
      Higher grease content means less work swallowing, Duh!

  9. prommie

    Chris Christie eats EVERYTHING. Everything within reach, all the time. There are some new photos of him floating around, holy sweet jeebus, that is one fat fuck of a man.

    1. PubOption

      Because he is fat, he has problems with hot weather, and therefore is actually trying to do something about climate change.

      1. mrblifil

        He certainly absorbs more sunlight than the average individual, on a per square inch basis. Unfortunately because he is deathly pasty white, it all gets reflected back into the atmosphere along with the methane cocktail created by his excreta.

        1. SheriffRoscoe

          Excreta. I don't think it's ever crossed my mind to use that particular word. Upfist for mrblifil.

    2. DaRooster

      Chris Christie eats EVERYTHING. Everything within reach, all the time.
      Kinda like Sarah Palin's reading…

      (Hurray… my first italics)

      1. Lascauxcaveman

        "Chris Christie eats EVERYTHING. Everything within reach, all the time."

        I think what is being implied here is that Chris is not conservative enough, because he eats the fancy foods, as well as the anusburger pizzas.

        So real conservatives are wondering if he's just a RINO. People seeing him from a distance are thinking maybe he's just a rhino.

    3. bumfug
      This is a story about Christie taking a helicopter to his son's baseball game which I really don't give a shit about except the part where he gets off the chopper and TAKES A FUCKING LIMO for the 100 yard trip to the ballfield. No wonder he needs a mirror on a stick to see his balls.

    4. tessiee

      "Chris Christie … holy sweet jeebus, that is one fat fuck of a man."

      I prefer the term coined by The Sopranos: parade float.

    1. AutomaticPilot

      Excactly! I always thought that I'd end up looking like the people who ate there, if I ate there too often. Which is why I never eat at Denny's. That place (both the food and the people) is disgusting.

    2. Biel_ze_Bubba

      Oh yeah … been there. Nothing curbs the appetite like watching a whole family of wide-loads loading up their plates at a Denny's buffet.

    1. OneYieldRegular

      He's so great. That's hands-down my favorite cookbook, and I cook from it at least once a month (more than that is likely to result in a heart attack).

  10. VaWyo

    So why don't they want health insurance? I'm confused because it seems like a diet high in processed food-like products, animal fat and high fructose corn syrup and low on fruit and veggies would naturally lead to health issues.

    1. Boredw/Gravitas

      They don't want health insurance because Freedomworks tells them they don't. And that one black guy who actually wants them to have it.

    2. riverside68

      hahaha ha ha ha
      Liberal tries to think logically about morans
      Ain't that just the darnest thing?

    3. elviouslyqueer

      What part of "Nanny state run by a bunch of health-obsessed uppity Negroes" don't you understand?

    4. Swampgas_Man

      Very simply, they don't want health care FOR OTHER PEOPLE. Health care for themselves is cool, they just don't want some undeserving poors getting any.

    1. JustPixelz

      They think Taco Bell is the central front in the anti-immigrant culture war.

      When I was in NYC on May 21st for the End of the World, every block was a United Nations of restaurants — italian, greek, chinese, mexican, african. America isn't a melting pot or a salad bowl, it's an all you can eat buffet.

      1. BaldarTFlagass

        Well, it's Mexican food for the white people that think Olive Garden and Pizza Hut are Italian.

      1. OneDollarJuana

        All food in the U.S. seems to be made by Mexicans any more. And they're dang good at it, too.

      2. Swampgas_Man

        After moving here to the East Coast, one thing I'd come to miss was Mexican food. Here, it's all made by Italian and Puerto Rican kids. And never eat gyros at a place that pronounces them w/ a hard G.

  11. CrankyLttlCamperette

    Have you ever been to a grocery store in Red State Amurrica? No Free Range Arugula, ANYWHERE!

    Supply follows demand (or is it demand follows supply? I was an English Major).

    1. BlueMonkeh

      Yeah…i've never had to fight for the last bag of frozen edamame at the local Super Target (only place other than Whole Foods with that socialist communist fascist obammer food).

      Fellow English major – respect!

    2. elviouslyqueer

      Oh, I figured out real quick where all the ethnic/esoteric/healthy items are in my local grocery. The clearance rack. Always.

  12. BlueMonkeh

    Good. This survey needs moar publiciteez. No self-respecting conservatard would be caught dead eating sissy librul fud. Hence, more gud fud for me and more arteriosclerosis for them.

  13. DangerHelvetica

    I have a tendency to eat lousy corn syrup derivatives, mostly out of laziness and pooritude. I could tell you which Hot Pocket varieties won't cause (immediate) illness. Hurray for bringing the average down!

    1. comrad_darkness

      Dude, find an ethnic grocery and buy bulk beans and rice and cabbage. Cheaper than processed and WAY better for you.

      1. OneDollarJuana

        But you have to take the time to cook it. That's the main reason Americans are so fat. It's just so easy and instantly satisfying to get a Fatburger. With beans you gotta cook 'em for hours and hours and pay attention and learn how to actually cook. Americans have become so lazy they can't be bothered. Besides, there is a "Family Guy" marathon on the big screen.

        1. HistoriCat

          But you can always flip over to the Food Network in the delusion that you'll one day really cook.

      2. DangerHelvetica

        I exaggerate (a bit) for comedy purposes, as I've been making an effort to eat better and learn how to cook in the last few months. I live in a pretty whitebread area though, making it hard to find ethnic foods in places other than a single small section in the supermarket.

  14. baconzgood

    I'm a Liberal and I eat shit. Sure I don't eat microwave box stuff, but there is plenty of unhealthy ethnic food. Mmmmm Kik ar Fars Gllllllllaaaagggghhhh…

      1. baconzgood

        When I was in France visiting an expatriate friend he translated the menu for me. It was stuff like "Goose liver fried in lard and pig fat with a heavy cream-butter sauce and basil." Ohhhhh but it was goood.

    1. petehammer

      Same. Except that I occasionally eat microwave box stuff. I don't eat terribly. but I'm also not hoarding grass-fed beef.

      1. SorosBot

        I eat a lot of microwave box stuff too, along with takeout food (though mostly from local, non-chain places). I hate cooking and would rather do something productive or enjoyable with the time I'd waste over the stove.

        1. Lascauxcaveman

          Heh, I'm just the opposite. I dawdle around in the kitchen, making bread or pies, or putting the steaks in the marinade rather than do the less pleasant chores like laundry, cleaning the bathroom, going out an earning a living.

      2. natoslug

        I usually come off as elitist about beef not because I am actually elitist, but because I think it is pretty damned unflavourful on its own. I'd much rather have a lamburger, because it has flavour. Grass-fed or corn-fed, beef is the tofu of the flesh world to me: A flavourless base that can almost always be replaced by something much more delicious.

    2. Cicada

      I think it's funny that ethnic food is considered upscale. When I was poor I ate ethnic food a lot because it was cheap, filling, and tasty. It helped that I lived in an area with tons of cheap Indian and Thai restaurants. My favorite place had a $5.50 Pad Thai that would feed you for lunch and dinner.

      And mmmm…samosas. Little fried pockets of heaven.

    3. comrad_darkness

      There is something to this. Take that leftover liberal pumpkin risotto, rolled into balls, stuffed with a chunk of ham, breaded and deep fried. Now that's ethnic.

    4. WhatTheHeck

      You are referring to the road-kill left in the wake of Sarah Palin’s bus, right?
      Tasty vittels that someone on a hoverround can easily scoop up.

  15. elviouslyqueer

    I call bullshit on Hunch's survey because nowhere was there mention of tofu, at all. Why does Hunch hate tofu?

  16. OneDollarJuana

    Hey! Quit picking on the Reds! Sure those conservatives are stuffing their faces and themselves into early and oversized, graves. But who's to say that they are not happy? I just saw a wonderful National Geographic lecture whose topics included the Dinka of the Sudan. These people spend the entirety of their lives tending their cattle and subsist almost entirely on the milk from those cattle. They are generally naked, covered in ashes, and wash their heads with cattle urine. Of course, they don't live as long as people in the industrialized nations, but absent the terrible conflicts in the Sudan, are mostly very, very happy with their lives.

    Who knows? Maybe the conservatives are much happier than the liberals, getting to eat whatever they want, as much as they want, and never feel guilty when sitting down for even a second. Sure, they don't live as long as liberals, but they might just be happier.

      1. Biel_ze_Bubba

        If there's no cattle handy, I'll be happy to piss on their heads. Happiness all around.

    1. AutomaticPilot

      Enter that recent study that says Conservs are more fearful than Libs. So no, I would guess they are not happier. They are sitting in their mother's basement, spreading conspiracy theories (in ALL CAPS) on the interwebs, while stuffing their feelings with deep-fried lard and a Big Gulp.

    2. tessiee

      "Who knows? Maybe the conservatives are much happier than the liberals"

      Well, sure — because we don't get to pour cow urine on their heads.

  17. freakishlywrong

    So, according to this stupid survey, we really need to put conservatards on food stamps?

  18. Arken

    Yeah? Well I love Circus Peanuts. Those marshmallowy, banana-ish flavored 99 cent candies they sell at gas stations and I'm so left-wing I'm a socialist, so go figure.

    1. Doktor Zoom

      Look, I'm as tolerant as the next guy, but there are some things that you just don't say in polite society.

      Good day to you, sir.

    2. Biel_ze_Bubba

      What the heck are those things actually made of? I can't say I actually like them, but they're perversely fascinating… like the love child of a Cheeto and a marshmallow Peep.

    3. tessiee

      Oh, God!
      I HATE circus peanuts!
      They're the worst candy ev–
      No, wait, licorice is the worst candy ever.
      Roadkill tastes better than that shit.

  19. seppdecker

    The schism is even more glaring when it comes to beer. I still get strange looks when I bring some German beer to family gatherings to avoid having to drink Bud Light.

    1. Terry

      My elderly liberal father must be an outlier. Unless we're someplace fancy, he usually orders Miller Lite. Otherwise, he has awesome taste.

    2. Arken

      This is the secret to the popularity of lite beers: A lot of people don't actually like bitter drinks like beer and coffee, but feel that they are 'supposed' to like having a beer or drinking coffee, so they have to find a way to make it tolerable.

      Lite beers have barely any flavor, and the popularity of flavored creamers, not to mention lattes in general, speaks to that.

      1. OneDollarJuana

        I think you're correct. Hence the frequent offerings of beer replacements: wine coolers, Zima, "hard" lemonade, cider, "hard" iced tea, etc.

        Another thing about lite beer. One can drink a flat of it without falling down.

    3. HistoriCat

      Point of order! Bud Light is not actually beer. Although I may have pissed out some Bud Light after drinking beer.

    4. Biel_ze_Bubba

      German beers, at least, are semi-fascist and thus acceptable among teatards. Sam Adams is more of a Librul Commie beer, coming from that foreign land of Massachusetts.

  20. MinAgain

    Perhaps there's a causal connection. Eating crappy food kills brain cells. Dead brain cells create conservatives.

    1. Redhead

      I thought mental illness created conservatives. Then again, eating shitty beef can cause mad cow disease, so…

  21. Oblios_Cap

    Maybe the plan has been to feed the TeaTards shit and then let them deny themselves health care in a bid to drive them to a quick extinction. Great job, Barry!

    If Anusburger™ chains accepted foodstamps those idiots wouldn't be trying to get rid of them.

  22. baconzgood

    Seriously people……ON A FUCKING STICK!!!! NO MATTER HOW FOUL SOMTHING IS IT IS BETTER ON A STICK!!!! When you go to a fair on the fourth of July would you eat the cat on a stick shish kabob stuff if there wasn't a stick? NO WAY JOSE!!!

    1. BaldarTFlagass

      Every time we went on liberty in the Philippines, I would swear to myself that I wasn't going to eat the barbecued monkey meat on a stick that the little kids came around the bar selling. But get a couple San Miguels in me, and I'd be buying a half-dozen of them stick meats. Don't know what the sauce was, but it was delicious.

    2. Redhead

      Well here in the south, any food you buy at the fair is so fried you can't tell what it is, under the 34958739485739487534987345 pounds of batter and grease (and, usually, a stick). And I mean everything – meats, dough, fruit, candy bars, beer…

  23. Terry

    "Liberals eat ethnic food. "

    Could be the opposite, too. "Ethnic" people tend to be liberals.

  24. jus_wonderin

    I kid you not. I saw a huge-ass woman on a busy street turn lane Saturday on a hoverround. She was headed to the McDonald's. In her defense she had a tattered eco-friendly tote bag that she was using as a backpack.

    1. OneDollarJuana

      Things are changing, though. On our neighborhood road cleanup a couple of weekends ago I dug deep into the bushes and came up with a styrofoam Big Mac box and a steel Pepsi can.

  25. JoshuaNorton

    Conservatives don’t know what “foodie” means.

    A "conservative" white-trash foodie is someone who scarfs down a fistfull of generic Walmart cheetos and hides the empty bag in the nearest Pampers display.

    Deep frying things not meant to be deep fried and putting them on a stick, also, too.

    1. riverside68

      "hides the bag"

      When you are done with something, don't you just drop it where you are standing at the time?

  26. EatsBabyDingos

    Most Congressional Republicans like ethnic foods, like Chinese food. I keep hearing them say they want "cream of sum yung gi" and "loe hung dong." And they like Anthony's Wieners. Both of them.

  27. KeepFnThatChicken

    On the lighter side, conservatives consume a lot of bullshit, too.

    Problem is, it's what shapes their public policy, because they like it.

  28. jus_wonderin

    Totally Off Topic. What makes the reply comments display sometimes on a refresh and not display on other refreshes? As in automatically showing.

    I am often refreshing. And fun to be around too.

  29. CrunchyKnee

    I'ma gonna open up scooter drive through corn syrup covered butter on a stick "restaurants" in Texas, Ohio and Iowa.

    1. GOPCrusher

      You sir, have obviously never experienced the wonder which is the food court of the Iowa State Fair, which is large enough to handle six lanes of scooter traffic and will sell you any deep fried substance that will stay on a stick.

  30. Callyson

    From the Hunch Blog:
    60% of liberals (28% more often than conservatives) enjoy beer…Conservatives are 27% more likely to not like the taste.
    So *that's* why I'm a liberal…

    1. SorosBot

      That may have something to do with the difference between Coors Lite and your local mirobrew.

  31. freakishlywrong

    Also, eating hamburgers the size of your head, not too healthy too. Portions, SHEEPLE!

  32. mumbly_joe

    Well, mainly it helps 'splain why grifters like Xtine keep running for congress. I mean, using campaign funds to pay the bills may be nice in the short run, but if you want to save for the future, it's much better to graduate to the big-time and grift by insider-trading and lining your pocket through legislation.

    The really, really, sad part is that until Watergate, Teapot Dome was the biggest political scandal in the 20th century, if not the whole of American history. In the 21st century? It's an average Tuesday.

  33. CapeClod

    I guess I should avoid talking politics if I ever should find myself in a Denny's restaurant.

  34. bureaucrap

    So, "Katie" (if that's your real name), does this mean you have begun to "out" yourself as a practicing "Katie"? Are you Katie Couric?

  35. jus_wonderin

    Ah, thanks! It was bugging me. I like to know why things work the way they do. I took apart the family cat and put it back together in working order. Only had two stray parts.

    "Feed a man a fish……"

  36. ttommyunger

    One less Hero: The family of Phil Piazza, 94, extends their heartfelt appreciation for your concern and prayers following his death May 29. Please share the following information about funeral arrangements for him with all individuals/associations who would appreciate this information. Phil founded the Merrill's Marauders Association in 1947. He was inducted into the Ranger Hall of Fame in 1995. A contingent of Rangers will attend both the viewing and funeral.

    The visitation will be:
    Wednesday evening, June 1from 6 to 8 PM
    Duckett Robinson Funeral Home
    108 Cross Creek Rd.
    Central SC
    864 – 639-2411

    The funeral will be:
    Thursday, June 2 at 2 PM
    Clemson United Methodist Church
    300 Frontage Road
    Clemson, SC

    The interment service will follow at:
    MJ Dolly Cooper National Cemetary
    140 Inway Drive
    Anderson, SC.

    I will be there as will US Army Ranger Association President Butch Nery. Those who can pay their respects in person are encouraged to do so. Please forgive the lack of snark.

  37. Buckminster

    I notice that several of the choices made by conservatives are soft and/or squishy. Can there be a correlation between people who have lost their teeth due to poor hygene and/or meth use and conservatism?

    1. OneDollarJuana

      Haven't you noticed that most conservatives seem to be also soft and squishy? You are what you eat.

  38. lumpenprole

    Shit food makes people stink too. All passport-carrying commies know this about Amurikah. The foreigns smell funky too, but there's something about our processed corn and hormonal grease cuisine that's quite distinctive.

    1. mrblifil

      You must be some elitist "foodie." When you write it like that "Penile Salmonella" sounds almost appetizing, like a seafood pasta dish you have with a light Grüner Veltliner.

  39. El Pinche

    Conservatives love poor disabled old person ribs. They're delicately aged , lean, and cheap.

    1. genxr

      And babies carried to term. Real baby back ribs! Meat dripping off the bone! Mmmm mmmmm mmmm!

  40. GortRay

    And the Gub'mint health care programs keep the obese Heart(disease)land morons alive so they can continue to vote Repugnicant. Wot a country!!

  41. genxr

    Sadly, it doesn't make them go extinct. If survival were determined by who could run a marathon, sure, but in our modern world it only makes them cranky and well-armed. And they're mad at YOU, you healthy vegetable eating libtard! Die die die!!!

  42. genxr

    If you want white southerners to eat healthy, have Michelle Obama promote cheeseburgers.

  43. Redhead

    I've been told by good ol southern real murkins that fruits and veggies aren't REAL food numerous times. (Usually as I'm explaining how I can eat almost constantly and still be losing weight, because I eat produce, whole grains and tofu, and work out a couple days a week. They usually don't accept this and instead tell me that really I'm just never full because I don't eat "real food.")

    So basically, conservative nutritional education equals conservative sex education, both in quality, amount of info taught and impact on students.

    1. Biel_ze_Bubba

      Baked scallops, fried fish, steamed clams, and lobster dipped in melted butter… how I miss Catholic Fridays in New England. I never quite figured out how this was supposed to constitute a sacrifice. Fortunately, generations of Yankees came and went, and not a one of them ever let the Vatican in on the joke.

  44. DaSandman

    I like the idea of a little radical action.

    Can we convince Bristol to slliter around in a tiny thong bikini on a wet General Lee while hawking Carl Jr. new "Widowmaker" menu line?

    That'll kill those fuckers fast. One way or another.

  45. not that Dewey

    Fortunately for me, I was waiting tables at that time. No matter my own dire poverty, I could always count on the bourgeois idiots to be wasteful enough that I could harvest unused food from their plates when they left.

    I'm sorry to hear about Arby's.

  46. Weenus299

    I had two Jimmy Dean sausage, egg and cheese muffins for breakfast. Suck on that you hippies, spit on my early grave.

    But I eat veggie burgers regularly, and prefer steamed whole-grain rice and black beans to just about anything.

    So fuckity Jesus.

  47. AJWjr.

    I don't care how the oats are cut, as long as they come in the round box with the picture of Barbara Bush on it.

  48. DahBoner

    Software programmers have a saying: Garbage in, garbage out

    You put garbage into your body like Rush Limbaugh and In-and-Out Burger and you get garbage coming out your mouth and your ass…

  49. DahBoner

    Pancakes and Sausage on a stick–Chocolate Chip

    Now to be clear, this is an example of a healthy food, right?

    Cuz chocolate is healthy and it's got that in it…

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