flotus files

Michelle Obama to Destroy Food Pyramid With Her Vegetable Plate

That's MRS. Flotus to you...Our Michelle spent last week drinking her way around the world, or more specifically, in Europe. She went there to hang out with that Kate lady and wear different outfits so that the Internet could vote about who was fancier. (The correct answer is that FLOTUS is always fancier. Always.) But even when our FLOTUS is pounding light beers across the Atlantic, the terrible war against obesity continues. And this week, with Michelle leading the way, America prepares for the next phase of this war: the destruction of one of America’s most cherished nonsensical infographics, the food pyramid.

Our FLOTUS has been criticized for her efforts to slim down America, and perhaps rightfully so. After all, this is a country in which Man v. Food is not just a disgusting television show, but an accurate summary of American attitudes toward mealtime. And what would dinnertime in America be without the food pyramid? It demonstrates the shape that piles of food should take on a plate, and allows you to eat as many bowls of pasta as you want! What could be better than this?

The Obama administration is about to ditch the food pyramid, that symbol of healthy eating for the last two decades. In its place officials are dishing up a simple, plate-shaped symbol, sliced into wedges for the basic food groups and half-filled with fruits and vegetables.

The circular plate, which will be unveiled Thursday, is meant to give consumers a fast, easily grasped reminder of the basics of a healthy diet. It consists of four colored sections, for fruits, vegetables, grains and protein, according to several people who have been briefed on the change. Beside the plate is a smaller circle for dairy, suggesting a glass of low-fat milk or perhaps a yogurt cup.

This “plate” concept is a terrible idea because it will likely confuse most Americans, who are used to eating food while weeping and hovering over the kitchen sink, without using plates and utensils. It also sounds like there will be far too many vegetables involved.

The new symbol was designed to underscore a central mantra of the federal government’s healthy eating push: make half your plate fruits and vegetables. And it is expected to be a crucial element of the administration’s crusade against obesity, which is being led by the first lady, Michelle Obama.

Half the plate? Where will Americans be able to fit in the standard scoop of mayonnaise and pile of French fries? Michelle, all of these changes are terrifying! Can’t we just keep doing dance-offs with Beyonce? [The New York Times]

Blair Burke (blairelinor@gmail.com) obsessively follows Michelle Obama’s every move for “The FLOTUS Files,” which appears every Monday here at your Wonkette.

About the author

Blair Burke obsessively follows Michelle Obama's every move and fashion decision for Wonkette's The FLOTUS Files feature, which appears here every Monday.

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179 comments

  1. baconzgood

    "plate-shaped symbol"…..Why don't they call it a Pie chart? Americans love them their pie.

    1. DaRooster

      Hey, as long as we can stack mounds of bacon on it without them going outside the circle its all good right?

        1. horsedreamer_1

          Since I am already practicing Sharia, I only chew Halal Pork, i.e. Turkey Bacon.

        2. Lascauxcaveman

          "As I always say: If I'm holdin' a fork, I'm munchin' on pork! "

          Oh, I hope you don't eat your baby back ribs with a fork.

    2. Jukesgrrl

      Other good news for FLOTUS, a pie chart will also get on the cover of USA Today.

  2. mavenmaven

    What Merka needs is not a food plate or pyramid, but a newly designed food trough…

    1. elviouslyqueer

      THIS. Also, fun trivia: on a recent shopping trip, I happened to stand behind a rather Ruben-esque woman wearing a t-shirt that declared "Mississippi women count blessings, not calories." And by "Ruben-esque," I mean "Ruben Studdard."

  3. SorosBot

    What the fuck's a food pyramid? The symbol of healthy eating is supposed to be the four food groups, dammit!

    Fuck I'm old.

    1. Weenus299

      I remember this promo movie with these kids dancing around singing 4-4-3-2! 4-4-3-2! Then I went home and ate two filet o fishes and the large fry my mom bought after she had done some thrift shopping.

      1. ChessieNefercat

        A filet o' fish is the best sandwich ever made, though I haven't had one in decades. Not the new ones, with lettuce, and the cheese on top. No, no, no.

        I mean the classic small plain patty, with the square fried filet, with a dab of tartar sauce (not too sweet! just right!), and best of all, the little half slice of bright orange, heavily salted, meltable food-grade plastic on the bottom, damn it!

        And the best way to eat it was to nibble it all around the bun, and then lick the tartar sauce off the bun, and then peel the fusable cheese product off the bottom of the patty, enjoying the 3 days worth of sodium, and then eat the bottom bun and the fish patty.

        Oh boy, remembering this was fun. Things like this make me wish that I hadn't grown up and learned to eat healthily, though I really do like beans and rice (good thing too, on my budget). Ah well, I suppose I should (ahem) get back to work.

        Wait, I just kind of missed the point of the article, didn't I?

        1. Weenus299

          That fuckin' Filet O' Fish glowed orange in its shiny blue styrofoam box. God help me it was good. I haven't had one in decades, but I can still taste it.

          If it weren't for the ground turkey crap and the grilled/steamed chicken bullshit I serve myself all the damn time, I swear I'd be a vegetarian.

          1. ChessieNefercat

            Brown rice with any kind of beans on top, and on top of that a nice, runny fried egg to drip through the bean and rice. Opinions differ in my household as to whether salsa is necessary on any of the layers.

            Nutritious, and satisfying, and CHEAP.

            We all think it is so yummy, but a friend of mine listened to me describe it and said she was glad she didn't have to eat at my house.

  4. CapeClod

    Mayonaisse on French Fries! I've only seen that in Europe. In USAmerica we only put Baconaisse on our Freedom Fries!

    1. SorosBot

      And in France, they got the metric system and don't know what the fuck a quarter pound is, so they call the Quarter Pounder with Cheese a Royale With Cheese.

      1. BaldarTFlagass

        Well, I don't think that an "Eighth-Kilo-er with Cheese" would go over real big with the marketing folks.

        What do they call the Whopper?

    2. anniegetyerfun

      This is how we know that Wonkette is elitist. Only Europeans and Californians use mayo for anything. In real murka, we use Miracle Whip and even then, only for potato salads/sexual lubricant.

    3. ChessieNefercat

      In Canada, they put gravy on them. Canadian Wonketeers, why please? They are actually best dipped in milk shakes. Sugar, fat, and salt in every bite.

      Wait, I'm still missing the point of the article, aren't I? And no, I haven't gotten back to work.

    1. Terry

      Given that you are English, you'd probably look like a Plantagenet or Tudor Princess unless you got to work with the self tanner.

      1. weejee

        Well the Tudors did paint Dickie Plantagenet pretty black. Although in The Daughter of Time Josephine Tey indicated the Tudors may have framed him regards murdering the kids, and given him a hunchback. Sorta the same thing the Teatards are trying to do with Barry.

      1. Peace in our time

        "What's a Nubian? "

        Latest GM hybrid vehicle.

        Gets 200mpp (miles per palin).

    2. jus_wonderin

      I remember an episode of Star Trek where a replicant of Abe Lincoln called Uhura a charming Nigress. I believe her reply was "Well I Never…."

    3. ChessieNefercat

      "Will it make me look like the Nubian Princess that is FLOTUS? "

      Let's ask her! She's seems really nice! I'll bet she tells us yes, yes it will (while mentally rolling her eyes and thinking, whatever works…).

      1. Limeylizzie

        Can you imagine what insane questions she must get? Also having to put up with all that crap that the wingers spout about her being hideously ugly and fat?

        1. ChessieNefercat

          I recently found the "Michelle Obama Watch" site. Golly, it's nice to see a site for our wonderful FLOTUS with not one negative word. She is one heck of a woman and this country is so lucky to have her.

        2. ChessieNefercat

          "…crap that the wingers spout about her being hideously ugly and fat? "

          Hah. They just wish their spouses would look at them (let alone touch them) the way Barry looks at Michelle.

          I think it especially sticks in Palin's craw that he so obviously thinks he's got the most gorgeous, sexiest wife ever, and has not one tiny thought to spare for her scraggly, droopy ass. Heh heh.

  5. SexySmurf

    Good, that pyramid thing was part of a Muslim or Illuminati plot. Or perhaps a Muslim Illuminati plot. Did you know the Canadians use a food rainbow because they're super gay.

    1. horsedreamer_1

      Tell that to the National Review's "The Week" staff. They'll not believe their Canadian social-con boyfriend Stephen Harper is such a queen.

      (I love reading that section, by the way. It's totally snivelling, with a side of closettedness. (The pretzels those alleged libertarians turn themselves into to condemn (consensual) gay (monogamy) are tastier than Fat Free Rolled Gold.))

  6. Terry

    "Where will Americans be able to fit in the standard scoop of mayonnaise and pile of French fries?"

    No worries. French fries are made from potatoes which come from a plant and count a vegetable! Problem solved. You're welcome.

  7. Weenus299

    The Food Sphinx is a much better guide. Eat whatever you want, bury yourself in sand and cut your nose off.

  8. BaldarTFlagass

    "It consists of four colored sections"

    Yet another example of the secret agenda to kill all the white people!!!

    1. horsedreamer_1

      They wanted to make the chart in the shape of an acorn, but Plouffe advised it wouldn't play in swing states.

  9. CapeClod

    They should illustrate what foods we should eat by placing the groups in a MacDonalds hamburger wrapper.

  10. lochnessmonster

    MY food plate includes chocolate and bacon…she better not try taking that away from me or she's in for a fight!

      1. baconzgood

        OH MY GOD, OH MY GOD, OH MY GOD, OH MY GOD, OH MY GOD, OH MY GOD, OH MY GOD, OH MY GOD, OH MY GOD, OH MY GOD, OH MY GOD.

        (dancing around like a little kid)

        1. LesBontemps

          OH MY GOD, OH MY GOD, OH MY GOD, OH MY GOD, OH MY GOD, OH MY GOD, OH MY GOD, OH MY GOD, OH MY GOD, OH MY GOD, OH MY GOD.

          (recoiling in abject terror)

    1. ThundercatHo

      I recently had chocolate-covered-bacon-on-a-stick. I was very excited when I saw it thinking, "Yay! My three most favorite things!". But, you know what? Not so tasty. Perhaps chocolate was substandard or just two great tastes that don't go great together.

      1. ChessieNefercat

        What is your special thumbs thingy? You have a thumbs up (gave you one of course), a thumbs down, and a third one under the thumb count so I can't see what the little picture is. No one else has a special thumb thingy. And your thumb count is red.

        PS I haven't started drinking yet.

    1. DemmeFatale

      Snap!
      Why just last night, as I was making my Mojito with fresh lime juice, I thought about Vitamin C!

    2. BarryOPotter

      I'm enjoying a rum and coke with lime to ward off scurvy right now.

      Sounds delicious, Baaarrrrrghb…

  11. neiltheblaze

    This new system is completely un-American – just like all that other nutritionist claptrap. Corn syrup and burgers or GTFO.

  12. BaldarTFlagass

    Well, the first ladies have to have their hobby horses. Remember Nancy Reagan and "Just Say No to Drugs?" AHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHA!

    1. SorosBot

      Maybe Michelle could promote healthy eating by copying Nancy and guest starring on the modern equivalent of Diff'rent Strokes. But what would that be?

        1. BlueMonkeh

          I always liked her. Except for her taste in men. Although, that's probably why she needed all the chemical help.

  13. fartknocker

    I bet the American Dairy Council will issue a scathing press release because their circle isn't as big as the protein circle.

    The big question is the eating utensils: Will a traditional American fork, knife and spoon be shown or will it be the spork? I know one of my neighbors fancies lots of spork-specific foods.

  14. EatsBabyDingos

    Virginia does not like the "four colored sections." The only colored section is behind the kitchen, silly comrade.

  15. DaSandman

    You mean I've been choking down a multi colored pyramid every day for decades and now its "never fucking mind? "

    Hello End Times.

  16. freakishlywrong

    A hale hearty Wonketeers! I took a break for my birthday and went and swam in some un-oiled saltwater for the first time in two years. I also found not watching cable news makes one a lot less angry. That being said, this new plate is socialist, I don't see a place for "Ketchup" on it. Fucking Kenyans.

    1. Geminisunmars

      Hail (Hale? Heil?) – Fellow Gemini. Hope your birthday was as Tsunami/Earthquake/Tornado/Flood/Oil Spill free as mine was.

  17. El Pinche

    "Can’t we just keep doing dance-offs with Beyonce?"

    LMMFAO!!!! Good lord …too funny to read while on a conf. call.

  18. El Pinche

    You Godless libtards know nothing!! It is said that Jesus turned a barn in Nazareth into a Golden Corral in Quiznosians:123.

      1. jus_wonderin

        I was drinking Cranberry Juice. It did fix that dead pixel I have on my east monitor.

  19. Smitros

    She could have really alienated people by quoting Michael Pollan's advice: "Eat [real] food. Not too much. Mostly plants."

    1. ThundercatHo

      My favorite diet advice came from Jack Lalanne, "If it tastes good, spit it out."

    2. chicken_thief

      God didn't invent the Angus Burger and beer just so I could eat fucking arugala and drink water. Why would I want to go against His will?!

  20. Dddintensified

    Actually, the four colored sections with a separate white milk section may appeal to Michelle’s critics.

    On another note, when I went to leave this comment, another commenter’s screen name and entire email address were already populated in the fields on my iPhone.

  21. neiltheblaze

    If they were really being Americans about this, they would hand out free Paula Dean cookbooks and ration coupons for extra butter. Bring back lard!!!

    1. ChessieNefercat

      Did Benjamin Franklin really say that beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy, or is that just one of those fake Internet quotes?

  22. jus_wonderin

    Why does this woman want to tell us what to eat? Is she suggesting the populace is obese or something? Woman, get out of my beer belly shorts!!

  23. bureaucrap

    "most Americans, who are used to eating food while weeping and hovering over the kitchen sink"

    You are so wrong, Blair. Most americans eat food while in their car, having just passed the drive through window.

    The chart itself will be divided proportionally among those companies that pay to be on it, in direct relation to the amount they contribute to the FDA to look the other way.

  24. Eve8Apples

    For Real 'Merikans, we'll need an alternative to the plate — something like a styrofoam take-out box or a grease stained brown paper bag.

    1. SarcasticNymph

      That's what those "bowl" fast food concoctions are. Food all dumped on top of each other in a bowl, covered with gravy.

  25. DaRooster

    "Beside the plate is a smaller circle for dairy, suggesting a glass of low-fat milk or perhaps a yogurt cup."

    Or… BUTTER?… WHIP CREAM?… NACHO CHEE?
    Them's Dairy too. Don't forget the "Cheese paper"…

  26. ttommyunger

    Not being pessimistic, but I think we'd be well advised to buy Hoveround and McDonald's Stock. I went to a cookout Sunday and what those people ate is fucking astounding. Most of it bypassed the digestive tract and marched straight to the arteries. I think I gained five pounds just watching them.

      1. ttommyunger

        Coke is not only a harmful product it is a harmful Corporate Entity. Google “Killer Coke”.

    1. ChessieNefercat

      Just for fun, read Bill Bryson's description of eating in Applebee's (and American restaurants in general) after 20 years away from his cornfed Iowa roots (England).

  27. proudgrampa

    OK. This is where I draw the line. I am sick and tired of the gubmint telling me how and what to eat. Stay the fuck out of my kitchen.

  28. Texan_Bulldog

    I smell Food Pyramid Gate forming over at Fox. 'Who does this uppity woman think she is changing the food pyramid to a plate?'

    Also, that Man vs. Food show is an obscene waste of food. I'm sure he clogs up the toilet in every hotel he stays at.

  29. Pragmatist2

    Pyramids are Egyptian.
    Egyptians are Muslims.
    Ergo, to destroy pyramids is to destroy Muslims.
    QED

  30. DDDintensified

    That the white milk section is separate from the four colored sections (presumably Asian, Black, Hispanic, and Muslin Terrist) should appeal to Mich's critics.

    By the way…on my iPhone, the sign-in user name and email fields were pre-populated with another commenter's screen name and entire email address. I just now created and changed over to a Wonkette-only Google Mail email address, FYI.

    1. Lascauxcaveman

      That has happened to me several times on both my iPhone and iPod (WiFi).

      If Steve Jobs is God, I hope he's a benevolent one.

  31. nappyduggs

    Does this pyramid specifically tell people that these vegetables cannot be breaded and deep-fried, and that the fruit category is not covered by Skittles? Precedent has shown that one must be very clear when imparting these things us America-uns.

    1. Lascauxcaveman

      All kids are damned. My dad (a father of seven) was once given a poster that said "What did I do to deserve all these damned kids?!" I think my grandma gave him that.

  32. Buckminster

    With the current prices at the grocery store, they may just want to change the "food plate" to "cat food and dumpster leavings."

  33. Redhead

    Where's the shape for my dessert? Where's the vat-shaped symbol to show me how much of the food on my plate should be battered and fried?

  34. sportshort

    Nobody's gonna pay attention to it, even it were in the shape of Jesus' face with large tits. OK, maybe the large tits.

    1. Eve8Apples

      We could count the large tits as dairy, but we'll have to put two small circles on the sides of the large center plate.

    2. DahBoner

      Maybe Hugh Hefner could work up the food/tits concept.

      It's a hands-on project…

    3. Jukesgrrl

      Jesus' face is supposed to be on the FOOD, silly, not the plate. Virgin Mary on toast is OK, too.

  35. Geminisunmars

    And if it is Canola Mayo, the oil is made from the Rape Seed (really), a vegetable, and so there you og.

    EDIT: I was going to fix "og" but actually I like that better.

    1. ChessieNefercat

      Yep, anybody that has looked at a "Prevention" magazine in the last 15 years knows about the plate method.

      1. Jukesgrrl

        Maybe Michelle just figures we are all pre-diabetic at the very least, so why not cut to the chase.

  36. GhostBuggy

    In what universe do the Obamas reside, where they think the average U.S. American won't immediately try to replicate what they see on the pie chart ON ONE PLATE AT EACH MEAL, except with it all sitting on top of an actual pie?

    It's like they're really from some crazy place, such as Kenya.

  37. simplyblue7

    "This “plate” concept is a terrible idea because it will likely confuse most Americans, who are used to eating food while weeping and hovering over the kitchen sink, without using plates and utensils."

    Most certainly! I eat my meals out of a bucket!

  38. MinAgain

    Plate techtonics…the study of how big your plate must be to make the ground shake when you carry it to the table.

  39. gurukalehuru

    The circular plate, which will be unveiled Thursday, is meant to give consumers a fast, easily grasped reminder of the basics of a healthy diet.

    Because a pyramid is just so fucking complex.

  40. zappadoo76

    I thought "colored sections" were abolished by the 1964 Civil Rights Act or Brown v Board of Education or something. And now we have a Nubian princess arguing for them? I am gobsmacked.

  41. zappadoo76

    I thought "Colored" sections were abolished by the 1964 Civil Rights Act. But now our Nubian princess is arguing for them? I am totally confused.

  42. zappadoo76

    What ever happened to the Three Food Groups: Twinkies, haggis and methamphetamines?

  43. MissusBarry

    They had this out-of-use color-wheel over at Homeland and repurposed it. Recycling! Socialism!

  44. MissTaken

    I'm PMSing hard today so my "dinner plate" is made up of four equal sections containing chocolate, cheese, Xanax, and Wendy's Frostie.

    1. Jukesgrrl

      Nice try, but you can replace the Wendy's Frostie with a Klondike Bar, then combine the ice cream and chocolate, thereby leaving Section One open for chips. And if you choose Nacho Cheese Doritos, then you have Section Two open for more drugs. Wash it all down with a Diet Pepsi and that negates the calories (proven fact I learned in college). Go for it, sister.

  45. DemonicRage

    What will the wife of Mitt Romney force us all to eat, when the Republicans vote him in (like that's ever going to happen). How is it that, this deep into the pre-Campaign Campaign, we don't have a clear idea who Mrs. Romney is, but that image of the dog on the car room is seared into our awareness?

    1. Jukesgrrl

      What DO Mormons eat?? Nuts from trees planted by Joseph Smith? Surely they must also own scads of fast food corporations, since they own everything else west of the Mississippi. Really classy Mormons surely eat at Marriott hotels to keep the $$$ in the family.

  46. HistoriCat

    "Lime is a fruit"

    That's hateful stereotyping! You should say that Lime is a homosexual. Or possibly Lime is gay.

  47. ChessieNefercat

    Tonic! Tonic is something that's good for you, right? And gin is made from juniper plants, right? So if it's made from the twigs or leaves or roots, it's a vegetable, and if it's made from the berries, it's a fruit, right? This is probably the most nutritious food item ever devised!

    (Bustles off to the store…)

  48. chicken_thief

    I haven't tried that since I can't find any lettuce in the house, but what I do pile up the 5 peas (that I will ignore when eating) then look at it from a lower angle so that the mini-wall of peas blocks much of the view of the 16 oz bacon wrapped t-bone in the background.

  49. One_who_wanders

    And the tonic has quinine in it which helps prevent malaria – which, with today’s high being 95 or thereabouts, seems like a good precaution to take.

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