Denied By God, Rick Perry Now Wants To Be President

  run rick run

Mom jeans.As every other “serious GOP candidate” but Mitt Romney decides they don’t want to lose to Obama next year, Rick Perry has been sitting in his office in Texas wondering if maybe this is the way God is telling him to run for president. After all, Rick is a white Christian of the approved Tex-American variety, while Mitt Romney is a spooky Obamacare Mormon from liberal Taxachusetts. The problem for Rick is that God has denied him, repeatedly. You might recall that Perry prayed to the Lord Jesus and demanded rain be poured from Heaven directly to Texas, to stop the multitude of plagues — wildfire, drought, literacy — threatening the Texas way of life. And God refused. God heard Rick’s prayer, and verily he responded with an indifferent, “Nah dude.”

Rick Perry, just last month, actually begged to God in an official State of Texas proclamation that went completely ignored by both God and Allah:

WHEREAS, the state of Texas is in the midst of an exceptional drought, with some parts of the state receiving no significant rainfall for almost three months, matching rainfall deficit records dating back to the 1930s … NOW, THEREFORE, I, RICK PERRY, Governor of Texas, under the authority vested in me by the Constitution and Statutes of the State of Texas, do hereby proclaim the three-day period from Friday, April 22, 2011, to Sunday, April 24, 2011, as Days of Prayer for Rain in the State of Texas. I urge Texans of all faiths and traditions to offer prayers on that day for the healing of our land, the rebuilding of our communities and the restoration of our normal way of life.

“Normal way of life.” Hah! The normal way of life for Texas is for it to be part of Mexico again. And now Rick Perry wants to be president, even though God thinks he’s a loser. FIN.

Related

 
Related video

About the author

Wonkette Jr., everybody! Hooray!

View all articles by Wonkette Jr.

Hola wonkerados.

To improve site performance, we did a thing. It could be up to three minutes before your comment appears. DON'T KEEP RETRYING, OKAY?

Also, if you are a new commenter, your comment may never appear. This is probably because we hate you.

313 comments

    1. tcaalaw

      Yes, and since he left the tags on the gun, I'm assuming he's planning on returning it to the store after the photo-op is over.

  1. Worthly[♬♪♬♪♫♪♬]Skum

    I think Perry's an asshole, but if he unloads that assault rifle at the next Republican debate, I might reconsider.

    1. di_da_is_alpha

      First off, how can you tell that that is an assault rifle? By deffinition an assault rifle can be fired on either semi or full auto, so an M-16 IS an assault rifle, but an AR-15 is not. Got it? I can't see a selector switch, but you can?

      Secondly, if he keeps holding it like some idiot leftie, he'll miss whatever he's shooting at. Shooting from the hip only works in movies. It makes me wonder if gang-bangers really hold their handguns sideways, so the expended cartridges fly straight up, or is that more Hollywood bullshit? Firearms have sights for a reason.

      Finally, it's nice to know how you've embraced rejecting violent rhetoric. : )

      1. Worthly[♬♪♬♪♫♪♬]Skum

        Finally, it's nice to know how you've embraced rejecting violent rhetoric. : )

        I'm shocked, shocked, you would interpret my statement as a call to violence. I only hoped he would use the gun to demarkate himself for those of us trying to survey the GOP field.

      2. CapnFatback

        Pick up a large pie of mouth-numbing Sausage Sensation Pizza at Papa John's for only $11 today!

      3. glamourdammerung

        So, I saw your hero is trying to stall his court case with Shirley Sherrod again. I sure hope you insects can find somewhere to gush about casual racism and violence against the people you disagree with after Sherrod shuts down Big Failure.

  2. BloviateMe

    They forgot to follow the Days of Prayer with the Days of Wish it Were So.

    –props to Bill Maher.

  3. Chillwaver

    In addition to assault rifles, Rick looks like the kinda guy who owns 4 Hummers and 6 Corvettes…

    On a serious note, I am afraid of another Texass cowboy asshole running and actually winning (it happened before, as you may recall). After putting up with him for over 10 years, I wouldn't recommend it anyone (and no, I'm not Perry's 5th wife).

    1. chilequiles

      O mah GAWd u libtard, tha' is SO not a assault rifle. Passifist. Le' me tell u wut i learnd, bout weapons, form Call a Duty….

      ….

  4. Barb

    Snark aside, this article is absolutely excellent! I know the writers have been wearing paper bags over their heads so that we don't know who they are. I've only been on this site for 8 months, and I'm not even sure who I am, let alone anyone else.

    I like humor that makes you think. This writer has it all. Thanks!

    1. SarahsBush

      I agree! I totally lol'd at the idea of literacy being one of the multitude of plagues in Texas.

      p.s. Way to waste your powers by dominating the Wonkette comment section in a mere eight months.

    2. easynewz

      Right you are as usual, Barb. This one is a keeper.

      PS: I worship the ground that you snark on.

      1. Barb

        Sarah'sBush, Easynewz and Jus_ thanks for being so wonderful. If I were a cat I would spend all day head butting the 3 of you.

    3. Dashboard_Jesus

      wow only 8 months and you already have the biggest p-ness here, nice work! (for a girl)

    4. James Michael Curley

      "I'm not even sure who I am"

      But your wit, beauty and several body parts grow grander in our minds every day.

      1. Barb

        Why are you guys so nice to me? I'm just going to move in, ruin your credit ratings and then sell your sax for weed.

  5. bumfug

    What God actually said was, "I wouldn't piss down Rick Perry's throat if his heart was on fire".

      1. bumfug

        Great catch – John Sayles' magnificent movie was actually the first time I ever heard that line.

  6. Worthly[♬♪♬♪♫♪♬]Skum

    With Trump out, only Perry's coiffe stands a chance against the Mittster.

    1. flamingpdog

      Dubya would probably work better. He comes already packaged with brush, for kindling.

  7. carlgt1

    you'd think it would be un-Costitutional to bleat "by the powers invested in me by the Constitution – I declare 3 days of praying to Wholly Babblin' Jeebus!" Of course I'd be more impressed and think Rick was a "He-Man" if he wrote "by the power of Greyskull!"

    1. Negropolis

      God denies your advances on him because he's so not morally weak. God doesn't just put out for anything, ya' know.

    1. Peace in our time

      "The Oceanic Adventures of Rick 'Periscope' Perry, Able-bodied Seaman First Class!"

      Ahoy, matey! Load the forward gun tube and make ready for action.

      1. Cicada

        As Winston Churchill pointed out, Naval tradition is nothing more than rum, sodomy, and the lash. In Rick Perry's case they would have to amend that to rum, sodomy, and hairspray.

  8. Walkinwiddaking

    A god fearing right wing Christian nut politician shooting a semi auto with what looks like a silencer on the end of the barrel. Perry/ Palin 2012. LET'S GET READY TO RUMBLE!

    1. [redacted]hse

      I mean, these fuckers don't even remove the price tag before they go out and shoot something.
      He's so Minnie Pearl.

  9. baconzgood

    Fuck Tex-Ass. You chewing tabacco, truck nutz, gun rack in the back window driving, 10 gallon hat, cow boy boots wearing, illiterate, racist, country-western listening, bud lite swill drinking, rodeo bull fucking, Cowboys fan, mother fuckers.

    Whew….Sorry to my Tex-ass Wonkers….I just had to get that out of my system.

    1. fartknocker

      Perfectly acceptable Bacon. Here in Austin few folks have love for Rick. Between his $10,000 month rental house, his lack of ability to address the $15 billion budget shortfall and his arrogance as a person, many of hope he joins the Presidential election foray. Once America learns how much of a shit stain Rick is, we hope he'll go to work for Faux news as their resident goat fucker.

        1. DahBoner

          Amazing that people actually pay money for cable to watch Goat fucking on FOX.

          And commercials…

    2. Jukesgrrl

      And just think … after all the trouble they go to to be más macho, they still have the same percentage of the ghey as every other state.

  10. KeepFnThatChicken

    Ahem, Rick? I'd like to introduce you to Sonny Perdue, governor of Georgia. In November of 2007, he did what you did.

    So go ahead, Rick. Pray.

  11. Ken Cuccinelli

    Haha, unless I'm mistaken, that Boing Boing link URL shows that the original post spelled it "governer". It's not like you really *need* that part of the link on most blogging software, but I find it nonetheless hilarious that even now most blogs preserve the original, unedited title for all to see in the URL.

  12. pinkocommi

    Let's see, Texas held Three Days of Prayer for Rain in the State of Texas and God did NOT send rain. Maybe we should all pray that God makes Rick Perry President so that he won't…. God is such a sucker for reverse psychology.

  13. JackObin

    Is there anyone in Texas who isn't an asshole? That is not a rhetorical question.

      1. Jukesgrrl

        Also the used-to-be Rep. Barbara Jordan, also great and eloquent, the first African-American woman to be interred in the Texas State Cemetery (embarrassingly for them, not that long ago).

    1. FraAnima

      Nancy Griffith, Larry McMurtry, and Michelle Shocked (except I guess she got the hell out of Dodge).

      1. BaldarTFlagass

        All the conservatives with whom I have to associate (because man is a social animal) down here Deepinaharta pretty much think I'm an asshole. But my liberal friends think I'm okay. At least that's what they say to my face.

    2. edgydrifter

      I was one, but my parents removed me from the state when I was still very young. Thanks to them, now I'm only afflicted with residual Texas assholery.

      1. Negropolis

        Once a Texan, always a Texan, at least I think that's the law down there in Texas. You're more Texas for having been born there than GWB will ever be having made the state his home years ago. Again, this is in the formal legal code of Texas, I think.

        1. easynewz

          Perry is also known for his socially conservative views on homosexuality, and he opposes same sex marriage. He condemned the United States Supreme Court decision in Lawrence vs. Texas, which struck down a Texas sodomy law. He called the law "appropriate."

          Against the gheys and buttsechs? I hereby declare him an enemy of the Wonketariet (as if he already wasn't one). What a moran.

    3. Steverino247

      There are a great many non-assholes in Texas. I have been the happy recipient of "Texas hospitality" many times. Now, I must add that I'm a white male, which may have helped, but Texans can be genuinely helpful to their neighbors and strangers under the right circumstances.

      Unfortunately, the asshole Texans usually run the place and get all the press.

    4. Doktor Zoom

      Let's not forget Jim Hightower (who said of Gov. Goodhair, "He puts the 'goober' in 'gubernatorial.'") Or Lou Dubose, who co-authored two books with Molly Ivins, Shrub: The Short But Happy Political Life of George W. Bush and Bushwhacked: Life in George W. Bush's America.

      1. ChessieNefercat

        And don't forget Bill of Wrongs: The Executive Branch's Assault on America's Fundamental Rights

        Molly Ivins and Lou Dubose ISBN 978-0-8129-7308-2

        Molly's final book; the finishing touches and publication came after her death. With the Patriot Act being given a new lease on life, it is more timely than ever.

  14. petehammer

    I have joked about this before, but I'll say it seriously now:

    Can you imagine if the Democrats had a candidate who openly suggested succession for their state? Can you imagine the fox news stories about the traitor candidate?

    Why the hell would the Republicans want someone who hates America so much he tried to remove his state from it?

    1. HogeyeGrex

      Maybe he'll run on a secessionist platform. "If I'm elected, The USA will secede from the union!"

    2. Biel_ze_Bubba

      He was actually kicking out the other 49 states, because they weren't Real Merkins(TM).

    3. comrad_darkness

      No no, you are so patriotic that you have to screw it over and over. Oh, wait, that was Newt. I guess the same applies.

    4. ChessieNefercat

      Well, they have given Alaskunt a free pass for pallin' around (sleeping with) her traitorous husband, an AIP supporter/member for multiple years. And she herself gave at least one speech at one of their conventions, while she was governor.

      Press response: {crickets}

  15. savethispatient

    It's all down to who the American voters prefer: the guy who shot Osama, or the guy who shot JR?

      1. savethispatient

        Well, if President Perry was reality, I'd be desperately hoping that I would wake up and find Bobby in my shower…

        1. finallyhappy

          I heard JR speak last year and I 'd vote for Larry Hagman a lot sooner than any of thse GOP assholes.

    1. BarackMyWorld

      That price tag is actually attached to Perry to show how much the NRA and the oil companies bought him for.

  16. mavenmaven

    It would be fun to see Palin and Perry debate over which of their states should secede first, and why that makes them good candidates for president.

  17. Ducksworthy

    Somewhat, OK, totally OT but if anybody is still looking at this, have a great memorial day weekend. And I just had to share this Mark Twain quote that mankind "was not made for any useful purpose, for the reason that he hasn't served any; that he was most likely not even made intentionally; and that his working his way up out of the oyster bed to his present position was probably [a] matter of surprise and regret to the Creator."
    Thought that would cheer you up.

    1. LetUsBray

      Man, no one does bitter misanthropy better than Mark Twain. As with so many things, of course.

    2. Doktor Zoom

      Douglas Adams, with a variation on the theme: "Many were increasingly of the opinion that they'd all made a big mistake in coming down from the trees in the first place. And some said that even the trees had been a bad move, and that no one should ever have left the oceans."

      Me, I think that losing* the prehensile tail was a serious misstep. Imagine how much easier receptions and backyard barbeques would be if we could simultaneously hold a plate, a drink, and a fork.

      *and yes, I recognize that monkeys may well have developed those useful object-grabbers well after our ancestors branched off…

  18. Fox n Fiends

    19th Century Rick really should consider running. He'll divide the Rebuplican'ts even more than Palin would at this point.

    1. easynewz

      I'm not so sure. Perry is a typical 'boilerplate' reichwing Republican: Great friend of Jeebus and 'creationism.' Loyal supporter of all that is Israel. Agin' the gheys gettin' married. Favors the wealthy over the poors. State's rights proponent. Big-oil whore. He really knows how to push all the right campaign funding buttons. He's a dream candidate for them.

      Also, too: he isn't urban like the pizza mogul.

  19. rocktonsam

    the way God is throwing tornado/floods storms around these days, may be Mr. Good Hair should STFU.

  20. Lucidamente1

    In her Air America Radio days Rachel Maddow used to call him Rick "gee your hair smells great" Perry. Kinda makes you wonder.

      1. flamingpdog

        Dang, I'm and oldun and I don't remember this. But then I've been working hard at forgetting just about everything that coexisted with disco and Raygun in the White House.

  21. SayItWithWookies

    Rick's just thinking about running for president because now that his state is facing $25 billion in put-off debt, he's not too keen on hanging around Austin. His prayer for money worked just as well as his prayer for rain.

    1. comrad_darkness

      Will the Texas governor with the balls to actually tax enough to pay for shit, please stand up.

      *crickets*

    2. Ducksworthy

      Perry Pawlenty, another PP ticket possibility. Destroy a state and run for Preznit. Not without precedent, either.

  22. C_R_Eature

    In all fairness, I'd like to see Rick Perry as President. Of the Independent Republic of Texas.
    Maybe they'll take Arizona with them, as a bonus.

    Well, GOD let me know that must get drunk, so I better get to it. Then I'll change my Avatar name to Tuck Fexas. Also.

    1. flamingpdog

      Don't forget Oklahoma. (Sorry, Dust, I'll chip in to help you move if it ever comes to that.)

  23. MinAgain

    As the Good Book says, "The rain falls on the just and the unjust. Until the unjust really piss off the Father."

  24. PeaceWithHonor

    When will the South learn that being ignorant, racist dingbats does not endear them to God.

      1. OneDollarJuana

        I noted that the website said the bible is "a lifetime of reading". I guess those religionists don't read too well if it takes them a whole lifetime to read one book.

        1. Ducksworthy

          Never managed to find his way out of the thicket of incest and shame that is Deuteronomy. Oh wait, the good incest in in Genesis. And lets not forget the hateful babbling of Leviticus. But with so much good stuff, why bother with the New Testament.

    1. Negropolis

      Heresy! Texas is not of this thing you call "the South", and they'll let you know if you ever group 'em with the likes of Mississippi. Texas is a whole other reality; get yews to it ya damn, dirty Yankee!

  25. Mumbletypeg

    OT but Vincent Price's 100th birthday is today. Now that guy knows how to wear his hair, even as a centenarian. Maybe he and Perry could meet up in a sort of Fear Summit. Both have a way of exhibiting dramatic mania but at least Vincent directs it in a fashion that commands respect.

    1. BaldarTFlagass

      The way you used the present tense there made me think, "I thought that guy died years ago!!" Had to check.

      1. Mumbletypeg

        I was so enjoying my fantasy that he was still out and about.
        Besides, classic horror screen stars never die; they just, hm, leave you… in stitches? or with fang bites..

  26. CapnFatback

    You might recall that Perry prayed to the Lord Jesus and demanded rain be poured from Heaven directly to Texas

    Well there's you're problem right there, Rick. If you want to make it rain, I'd suggest praying to that renowned meteorologist Fat Joe.

    1. OneDollarJuana

      Actually, literacy is a great threat to Texas (and the rest of the South). If folks learn to read, they might accidentally read the truth about how screwed they are getting.

  27. edgydrifter

    How the fuck is Rick Perry going to lead Texas' secession movement if he's the boss man of the country Texas wants to secede from? I know Republicans have a hard time recognizing conflicts of interest, but really.

    1. BaldarTFlagass

      He'll do another Base Realignment and Closure while he's president, and move the Army, Navy, Air Force and Marines to Texas. Then, when his term is up, he'll do the secession thing. But he'll still demand that the US provide funding for the military. And disaster relief.

  28. anniegetyerfun

    Woah. You know, there are village elders in some of the more ass-backwards villages of India who ask for similar things (rain from the sky). They are pagan, mind you. I'm not saying that Perry worships Kali, but why hasn't he denied it?

    1. BlueStateLibel

      Yes, because nothing makes one qualified for being president of the United States as previously declaring you want to secede from it. I bet there's even some some post-Civil War law stating secessionists are barred from running for public office (but I'm too tired, let Wonkette Jr. dig it up).

  29. easynewz

    Perry called intelligent design a "valid scientific theory." That's all I need to know about him. Asshat.

      1. Geminisunmars

        I'd love to make the intelligent-designers watch this with their eyes propped open a la "Clockwork Orange", even though I know all that would happen is that their eyes would get awfully dry.

      2. Doktor Zoom

        Oh, hey, please join me in mocking a creationtard in the comments. He didn't like Tyson's pointing out that the Universe is full of stuff that's trying to kill us, and said "Ironic that Neil mentions the Garden of Eden in a form of a joke, then points to things that all want to kill us. What he fails to understand is that when Adam & Eve ate from the tree of knowledge of good & evil, that action alone opened up a whole shit load of evil things to mankind."

        1. Geminisunmars

          I'd like to dear, but I have to go and cook some bratz. But you go ahead, I know you'll have a good shot at convincing him/her/it. If that doesn't work, try my suggestion above.

    1. freddymcmurray

      Wow, Genius. Pretty much works with any other name too. Beautiful. I'm going to make so much cafepress lucre with this idea, I'll have to turn Republican.

    2. user-of-owls

      I'm not saying that Perry worships Kali, but why hasn't he denied it?

      So true. Also, I'm not saying that Perry helped Joe Scarborough dissolve the body of the intern that Joe may have (I'm not saying he did) murdered in a vat of industrial acid, but why hasn't he denied it?

  30. Jukesgrrl

    Instead of an election, let's have a dick-off and see if Ricky still wants to challenge Obama.

    1. Negropolis

      Justin Bieber is running for president? Did he forget that he is Canadian? I know that he did forget that he's white, but that's a whole other issue.

  31. BarackMyWorld

    Another Texas governor?

    You didn't exactly see Democrats trying to nominate more Georgia governors after Carter, did you?

  32. mrpuma2u

    That gun still has the price tags on it. The wuss was clearly borrowing it from a gun store. Probably doesn't even own a gun hisself, just bums them from his gun freak campaign donors on the weekends. Man up Rick, and buy your own.

    1. James Michael Curley

      First thought was they were evidence tags placed on when confiscated and old Goodhair was hitting up the state police evidence locker for his toy.

  33. Lionel[redacted]Esq

    But, since Texas is a foreign country, won't he have the same birth certificate problems as Obama?

  34. Fuck Toad

    Perry/Trump 2012!

    Their respective hairdos can be Secretary of State and Secretary of Defense.

    1. HarryButtle

      If you wanted me to click the linky, why'd you tell me Steve Perry was waiting on the other end? Salesmanship fail.

  35. chascates

    A lot of people here in Central Texas have long heard the rumors about Rick Perry's alleged bisexuality.
    http://www.opednews.com/thoreau022704_texas_gover
    A politically-connected attorney in Texas told me he has known about Perry's gay side since the 1980s. And two district judges in Odessa told him that the rumor was always there when they served in the Legislature with Perry.

    The commercial kitchen I work out of does catering and has done many events for the Governor. One chef from the kitchen was at one of the events and told the catering manager, a middle-aged gay man, that Perry had been eying the good-looking ladies. The manager replied, 'Oh, he's been eying the good-looking men as well."

    Perry running with either Palin or Bachmann would be the greatest political comedy in decades. Perry also has a number of financial shenanigans behind him as well.

    1. Negropolis

      You can tell just by looking at how Perry deals, socially, that he's the kind of guy that doesn't care from whom he gets attention. He looks like a guy that'll fuck anything that is also willing to feed his ego.

      1. easynewz

        He’s climbin' in your windows
        He’s snatchin' your people up
        Tryna' rape 'em so y’all need to
        Hide your kids
        Hide your wife
        And hide your husband
        Cuz he's rapin' er'body out here

    2. Doktor Zoom

      Probably worth noting that the linked column appears to be from 2004 (it talks about the Kerry campaign and the only still-extant link is to a piece from that year). Much as I'd like to see gay hypocrisy added to the long list of Gov. Goodhair's faults, you'd think that in the intervening 7 years someone would have found a rentboy.com receipt or something more definite than rumors. The stuff that's on the record is enough to hang Perry –with votes, of course.

  36. user-of-owls

    In other news, La Puta-Caravana is ready to savage the East Coast. Yes, La Puta-Caravana.

    REPORTER: Will you flog it? The phrase, that is.
    CACIQUE DE BUJOS: Obviamente!

  37. zhubajie

    Try Huitzilopochtli next. Cutting out the hearts of a 100 or a 1000 televangelists is bound to help!

    1. James Michael Curley

      Will they ask Mitt for his birth certificate – which in the most reasonable explanation does not exist because his birth was by a mormon midwife and certification was never filed. It may also have been in Mexico as his father never clarified whether he and his wife were traveling back and forth between the US and the Mormon Colonies as they were called.

  38. Negropolis

    Run, Rick! RUN!

    I'd love to see how he squares running for the presidency of a country he's cynically flirted with seceding from. Come on, baby, tell us how much you love us…and then go behind our backs and tell your friends how much you wish you could quit us. Make us your Maria Shriver and your Textards your Patty Baena, baby. Or is that the other way around?

    I'll ask again, though, what is it with these porn star names for Republican governors and senators? Rick Scott, Rick Perry, Rick Snyder, Ron Johnson, Gary Johnson, Mitch Daniels, Scott Walker…

  39. Negropolis

    BTW, that fucker tries run his hands through by semi-curly no-fro, and he's gonna pull back a stub is what's going to happen.

  40. Negropolis

    You know who else beseeched the gods for rain on a state capitol portico?

    Hey Rick, god doesn't owe you, me, or anyone else a return to our "normal ways of life," particularly your fundies whose "normal way of life" includes the denial and oppression of everyone else who doesn't share your way of life. Also, stop making your god look like such a dick. also. When god sees your name on his caller ID he sends your phoney ass straight to voicemail.

        1. Jukesgrrl

          I wish more people had that thing. I'm waiting for all the breast-beating when the news gets out that a MINORITY of Americans now live in unmarried households. Jeebus isn't going to like this! I know where they could get a whole new wave of married people, but for some reason the hypocrites don't want them.

          1. Negropolis

            That's the worst part. They always seem to forget about the part where Jesus admonished folks for praying in the public square for social or political advantage. I mean, he fucking preached against this stuff in no uncertain terms.

  41. Weenus299

    The only thing Rick Perry has for him is that he looks more like Josh Brolin than George W. Bush looks like Josh Brolin.

    Fuck, maybe Josh Brolin should run for governor of Texas mebbe?

    1. Jukesgrrl

      How about Gov. Tommy Lee Jones? He lives in Terrell Hills, owns two ranches in Texas, and doesn't have any Barbra Streisands in his family. But he was once in close proximity to Al Gore, so that probably makes it a no-go.

  42. DahBoner

    Giving Texas back to Mexico would increase the average American IQ.

    Gotcha! Mexico is part of North America…

  43. mumbly_joe

    NOW, THEREFORE, I, MUMBLY_JOE, Commenter of Wonkette, under the authority vested in me by the Editors and the dick jokes I make every day here, do hereby proclaim the three-day period from Saturday, May 28th, 2011, to Monday, May 30th, 2011 as Days of Prayer that the people in the State of Texas come to terms with the fact that droughts are a natural consequence of a significant increase in global temperatures brought on by increased carbon emissions incident to human industrialization. I mean, seriously, come on, is it that fucking hard to just use one iota of fucking logic, instead of running to your magical sky-spirit the instant something bad happens?

  44. 4TheTurnstiles

    I hope he runs. I imagine a Texan-sized Gary Hart scenario, but on James O'Keefe's boat and a plug in his own muladhara chakra, if you know what I mean.

  45. 102415

    Rick Perry looks like he shoots about as well as Palin and borrowed her jeans to try.
    BTW, the Breitbart tourist who dropped by is an elderly Bachmann supporter. He can probably be talked into supporting anything that sparkles. Rudy G has a chance.

  46. ttommyunger

    Typical Wal-Mart Shopper, can't wait to take the tags off before he tries his new shit out.

  47. Sharkey

    This better not be the weekend post. Make an open thread, Ken, or Rick's hairpiece will boringly choke you to death while you sleep.

  48. weejee

    Rumor has it Perry's opening campaign slogan will try to reach-out to the north, red-blue Ohio obvs., and be "a Cleveland Steamer in every pot."

  49. comrad_darkness

    I see a trend here. Palin, Perry . . . as soon as the state hits the red, suddenly quit and run for prez! It's all about personal responsibility, you know.

  50. RadioJr.

    Went to Mattress Discounters this morning for their Memorial Day sale. Plopped down a few hot dogs and six pack of Yuengling Light. Now I'm driving down to "rolling blubber" on my noise pollution ape-hanger, hoping to catch a glimpse of Palin's Sideshow Bob Bus Tour. But, as much fun as that sounds, it hardly compares to the excitement we had last weekend when we were dying here at the Wonkettes.

    1. James Michael Curley

      Sarah Palin and Rolling Thunder, I think I saw that movie in a 42nd Street theater where most of the patrons kept their hats in their laps.

  51. RadioJr.

    So Palin sticks her Pinocchio cunt into Rolling Blunder. Clearly, she wasn't asked to be part of the POW/MIA Harley cavalcade. So the infernal propaganda machine of her's says she was invited by the "Alaskan" bikers.
    1st, how many Alaskan Harley fucks are 8,000 miles round trip in DC?
    2nd, the cuntbox is moving to Arizona anyway.

    This is going to be miserable, short of the comedic value.

    1. El Pinche

      She should hang with the Bandidos as opposed to those fake bikers, retired diabetic Kochsuckers who have their bikes trucked into the city. She'd get a good tour of the USA muling meth and stuff.

  52. NadePaulKuciGravMcKi

    Neocons crawling out of the woodwork.
    terrified of dr ron's courageous courage

      1. user-of-owls

        Silly boy. It's Memorial Day Weekend. Don't you know that on this holiday we blame the Freemasons? Geez, get it together man.

        Orthodox Easter = The Jews
        St. Swithin's Day = The Queen of England
        Arbor Day = The Jews
        Earth Day = The Illuminati…and The Jews.
        Pesach = The Trilateral Commission. Ha! Caught you lookin'!
        Patrriot's Day = Lodge 175 of the Ancient Order of Hibernians & Marathoners

        And, Cinco de Mayo, Eid ul-Fitr, National Garlic Day, Saga Dawa Duchen and All Soul's day = Jews. Fucking Uighurs and Jews.

        1. glamourdammerung

          Actually, Memorial Day is the black's fault because it was done by freed slaves to thank the Union soldiers for their service in the Civil War as a response to the "lost cause" nonsense.

          Though Ron Paul's heroes at the von Mises "institute" blame the Jews and women that did not have enough to do with the movement towards emancipation, so I guess the Jews are guilty by proxy.

    1. DahBoner

      We need more Legal heroin before our brains are dulled enough to vote for "Doctor" Paul…

    2. glamourdammerung

      I have not seen Papa Doc making the rounds on the white supremacist circuit lately. Shame that even he is taking his "campaign" as a joke at this point.

    3. LetUsBray

      "dr ron's courageous courage "? Even for wonkette, that's funny. I salute you, ya weirdo.

    4. NadePaulKuciGravMcKi

      Who does Wonkette like better than current President Barack H Obama:

      Ralph Nader Ron Paul Dennis Kucinich Mike Gravel Cynthia McKinney
      Chuck Baldwin Jesse Ventura Cindy Sheehan
      Ross Perot President Carter?

      Rosie O'Donnell
      Roseanne Barr?

  53. DrunkIrishman

    Can he hike those jeans up any further? He's gone well past his waste and is wearin' 'em on his chest.

  54. DahBoner

    Pray all you want, Rick.

    There is no way in Hell that God is going to let some ignorant dumbass from Texas be President.

    Wait. Uh…

    God is an asshole….

  55. VinnyThePooh

    God: "Can't do a bigger dick, yo. How about a big gun?"
    Texan: "Done."
    God (mumbling to himself): "Fuckin' moron."

  56. user-of-owls

    "It appears inevitable that La Puta-Caravana will come ashore along the East Coast in coming days. Residents are strongly advised to take precautions now for this potentially hazardous event."

    -NOAA

    1. RadioJr.

      "Let's hope this nor'easter quits before doing any major damage. Further, let's hope it's not the mother of all storms. Remember what El Niño did to the blogosphere a few weeks ago? There was certainly a financial impact on the region."

      -Al Roker

      1. user-of-owls

        Current Forecast:: models indicate that this weak cold front will pass through with little impact.

        Short Term Forecast:: Continued blustery winds with highs actually lows and lows embarrassingly low.

        Long Term Forecast: : Previous predictions of a serious weather event have proven to have been wildly overestimated. La Puta-Caravana appears to be destined to crawl across the Eastern Seaboard bringing periods of weak winds alternating with periods of stagnant vapidity.

        –Joe Cuntore

        1. RadioJr.

          I Cant,OR don't want to, rain on your charade, This Radio signs off to the atmospheric prognostications of Joe Cuntore.

  57. AJW@[redacted]

    I've refused to turn on the news since Friday night, does anyone have any updates on "Rolling Blunder"?

      1. AJW@[redacted]

        Gah. I shoulda left the TV off. At least the broad she hitched a ride with had a nice rack, sort of.

        1. C_R_Eature

          Sound advice. I try to either unplug of at least tune to a News-Neutral channel during these types of Bimbo Eruptions, but they're getting harder to predict.I swear, most days I feel like Little Alex, strapped in with eyes clamped open & forced to viddy a bit of the old Ultra-Violence while pumped on nausea meds. Except, I don't need the nausea meds to get sick.These are hard times for a News Addict.

        2. the_problem_child

          Yeah, that was Willow. Kid's getting good at hiding in plain sight. What an embarrassing family she has.

  58. user-of-owls

    Just for a moment, I'd like you all to envision any other nation in which an image like that would be even remotely seen as electorally beneficial for someone running as chief executive.

    So, besides Russia and a smattering of the -stans, anyone? That's the fucking company we keep? We want to keep?

    Hello pinche Third World countries, you want to know how 'modern' is done? First, make sure all your citizens are armed to the fucking' teeth, because this is the fertile soil within which peaceful, deliberative democracy takes root. Witness, for example, the paragons of democratic governance that we see in Somalia, Sierra Leone and the more 'liberated' parts of Mexico. By contrast, look with horror on the genocidal weapon-regulating tyrannical hell-holes like Luxembourg, the Netherlands or worst of of all, Liechtenstein.

    1. Negropolis

      Yemen. Definitely Yemen. Oh, and a basket of assorted African and Southeast Asian nations.

      It is a bit something more than ironic that we use the word "warlord" pejoratively when talking about third world nations, when we like our governors and mayors to – at the very least – play warlords on TV. It's definitely a regional thing, though. If a Michigan candidate for governor was seen posing with a gun for anything other than hunting, he or she would be roundly laughed out of the race as a kook.

    2. x111e7thst

      The difference of course is that in US Amerikkka there is the Sacred Second Amendment ( white people) whereas the people in those foreign places have no Second Amendment Constitutional Liberties (they are black or at best brown).

    3. BlueStateLibel

      Or how about posing as leather-clad biker, as our snowbilly is doing?

      I still can't get over that he didn't even take the tags off the thing.

  59. Negropolis

    OT, but we had one confirmed tornado touchdown in Michigan, yesterday. While tornados are a bit out of the norm, up here, they are not at all something you'd call highly unusual, and certainly not enough so that this country bumpkin would say something stupid like this:

    A barn on a century-old 25-acre farm owned by Mary Powers, 77, near Kane Road and the Livingston-Ingham county line was toppled and a chicken coop as well as an aviary for raising peacocks were tossed.

    Powers' son, Jeff, 50, was mowing the lawn minutes before the storm hit.

    "I was mowing and it started sprinkling, so I stopped my tractor at the barn," said Jeff Powers. "Then I heard on 93.5 a tornado was coming, but it didn't really bother me because we don't get tornadoes. All of a sudden there was a bang and a boom. I ditched the tractor and then I saw the barn fly away."

    This is a 50-year-old man. I'm 20-something, and even I know that the this state averages something like 10-15 touchdowns a year, most all of them in the southern counties of this state, including the one where this man lives. I worry about Livingston County; I really do. It's like Mississippi meets Michigan, and by that I mean it's the base of nearly all of the state's white supremacists hate groups in a rural setting and infested with heroin fiends.

    1. TsunamiAli

      I would worry, too – if Livingstone County gets razed by a tornado, all those heroin fiends and white supremacists may move into your county.

    2. Negropolis

      I mean, how was he supposed to know that a tornado was coming? He only saw and heard it coming for minutes. But, since "we don't get tornadoes" it was obviously an optical illusion, right?

  60. DaRooster

    Man, I hope it don't rain… only due to the whole,"Rick Perry made it rain, He's a miracle worker!" thinking that will happen… not because droughts are good…

  61. lulzmonger

    Flirting with secessionism = patriotic!
    Gobbling corporate pole = proud!
    IQ of a dozing lizard = pure!

    *PERRY 2012 – VOTE FOR ME OR I'LL RAPE THIS CALF*

  62. lefty74

    I feel your pain. We had a kid move into the jock dorm from TX and he didn't last too long in college. Lasted a month or so. Ya see, he really missed his horse.

  63. OneTrueLiberal

    Good lord.

    Who is this horrible person? Franklin would be appalled, were he not too busy getting ready to nuke the Japanese.

    Regards,

    Eleanor

  64. di_da_is_alpha

    I know the other qualities, didn't want to upset the 'pacifists.' I like sticking to this definition …….

    /// "(2) The capability to be fired full-automatic, that is like a machine gun;" ///
    http://search.yahoo.com/r/_ylt=A0oGdWK0MOBNtB0AE3

    ….. because the left would claim that anything that fires bullets is an assault weapon if they could.

  65. James Michael Curley

    And the AR-15 was under the federal definition of an assault rifle. It's been years but I recall that the original M-16 and AR-15 had identical switches. The only difference was the insertion of a pin which coulod be removed which prevented being able create the same 'full automatic' effect as the M-16.

    I didn't have any complaints about the M-16 mostly because I wasn't stuck in an environment where I couldn't clean it effectively. I also followed instructions and didn't oil the sucker up like syrup on a stack of IHOP pan cakes. I got to pull the triger on M-60's and the armament on UH-!B gunships (Cobras were very very new) more than M-16's.

    Once, though in an entirely scientific test – Eric and I took an M-16 and an AK-47 outside the wire with scores of clips to see which would fail first. The M-16 never misfired but the AK-47 heated up and the piston started to jamb after about 300 rounds through it as fast as we could drop a mag and slam another in.

  66. mormos

    Yay Neilist is back! I missed you man. NOW we can get some fucking excitement on this blog again.

  67. PuckStopsHere

    What a day. I hit 100 pt for the 1st time ever (downfist me now, hard!) and Neilist and Eleanor return to us. This is the greatest day in my Wonkette history!

  68. CapnFatback

    Don't be ashamed to order extra containers of Papa's Special Garlic Dipping Sauce! Treat yourself lil' trooper; you've earned it.

  69. not that Dewey

    Sure, obviously. "search.yahoo.com" clearly trumps both the legal definition and that of our resident faux-right-wing gun-nut, Neilist. Well played, sir.

    And kudos on the straw-man "the left would claim" phrase. Nothing says "I have no idea what I'm talking about" quite as much as such a simplistic generalization.

  70. easynewz

    No snark. As a fellow veteran I thank you for your service in an unpopular police-action war.

    Also, too: I have found that chickenhawks are pretty much the only ones that have a hard-on for killing people.

    "I hate war as only a soldier who has lived it can, only as one who has seen its brutality, its futility, its stupidity."
    ~Dwight D. Eisenhower

  71. James Michael Curley

    Thanks. Tha rings some bells. Not the least of which the recollection that I was trained on the M-14, shipped to Vietnam in early 1969 ith a brandy new M-16 which was taken away and replaced less than a month later.

  72. James Michael Curley

    Back to you and, in an effort keep your back, I'm waiting on final witness list for the Committee on Veterans Affairs hearing next Thursday scheduled to examine why the VA is so slow and remiss in providing disabled veterans benifits. "An Examination of Poorly Performing U.S. Department of Veterans Affairs Regional Offices"

    I'll be the one wearing multiple poppys (If I get on the list.)

    WatchC-Span (I don't know if it is scheduled.)

  73. Doktor Zoom

    And as someone who spent a fair chunk of Reagan's first term putting together documentation of CO status for a draft that never happened, allow me to thank both of you for your service as well.

    I still lean toward the pacifist side, unrealistic as it can be, but it has always been clear that political leaders are the true danger to peace.

  74. James Michael Curley

    My effort to file CO status was based on the religion on which I was raised. The effort was futile because of one statement a high church board member made in the run up to World War I. By the time "O'Hara" was decided I was sitting in Pleiku or An Son or LZ Eagle some other hell hole listening to 'Fortunate Son', Country Joe McDonald while reading J.R.R. Tolkien sitting under my poster of Bertrand Russell and Rachel Welsh. O'Hara, who spent four years in prison waiting for the Supremes to decide his claim, laid the way for people to claim CO status based on personal, family and cultural beliefs and backgrounds – not merely because they were born into the right religion which was on the Selective Service list.

  75. James Michael Curley

    That's what we all said. And I should correct my earlier post where I transposed M-16 and AK-47 in the last paragraph. I meant to stat that the AK-47 did not misfire but the M-16 heated up and the piston would not slide freely in the sub-chamber.

  76. glamourdammerung

    (P.S. Does this "Eleanor" creature have any old 16 mm Betty Page/Irving Klaw "loops" of her with Lorena Hickok?)

    Asking yourself questions is not a good sign of mental health.

  77. Neilist_Returns

    "Asking yourself questions is not a good sign of mental health."

    In here, it's the only way of ensuring an intelligent response.

    But thank you for playing, regardless. Only next time, try not to block the punches with your face, a la Randall Tex Cobb.

  78. glamourdammerung

    In here, it's the only way of ensuring an intelligent response.

    So, made fun of the murder of any 9 year old girls lately?

Comments are closed.