republican science

To Stop Climate Change, GOP Suggests Clearing World’s Rainforests

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My dander is up!Republican Congressman Dana Rohrabacher is a senior member on the House Committee on Science, so it’s no surprise that he’s … uh, insane? This is Rep. Rohrabacher’s big idea about how to fix the Global Warming crisis: “Is there some thought being given to subsidizing the clearing of rain forests in order for some countries to eliminate that production of greenhouse gases?”

He posed this compelling scientific question to the Obama Administration’s climate change envoy — we have an envoy for that? — during a congressional hearing on global warming. It’s good, we guess, that all the Republicans aren’t totally denying there’s such a thing as global warming and melting icecaps and drowning baby polar bears. But maybe they shouldn’t think about it at all.

“Or would people be supportive of cutting down older trees in order to plant younger trees as a means to prevent this disaster from happening?” [Rohrabacher] continued.

Forestry experts were dumbfounded by Mr. Rohrabacher’s line of questioning, noting that the world’s forests currently absorb far more carbon dioxide than they emit — capturing roughly one-third of all man-made emissions and helping mitigate climate change.

And then, they heard a ga-Zump! They looked and saw something pop out of the stump. It was sort of a man. Describe him? … That’s hard. I don’t know if I can.

He was shortish. And oldish. And brownish. And mossy. And he spoke with a voice that was sharpish and bossy.

“Mister!” he said with a sawdusty sneeze, “I am the Lorax.. I speak for the trees. I speak for the trees, for the trees have no tongues. And I’m asking you, sir, at the top if my lungs …”

And then Dana Rohrabacher had the Lorax charged with Patriot Act violations/Environmentalist Terrorism. And a few decades later, the Lorax died in his aluminum cell at Guantanamo Bay, his little head resting in the lap of Bradley Manning.

Somewhere, not so many miles away in Florida, Barack Obama played a round of golf, where the grickle-grass grows. [NYT]

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Comments

Hey there, Wonkeputians! Shypixel here to remind you to remember our Commenting Rules For Radicals, Enjoy!

  • SorosBot

    Carbon Dioxide goes in, Oxygen goes out, how'd that happen? You can't explain that!

    • Cicada

      Jinx!

      • SorosBot

        Faster by a minute!

        • OC_Surf_Serf

          That will win you favours in the whorehouse…

        • Cicada

          You win the internet! I think it comes with a year's supply of Rice-A-Roni and all the porn you can download.

          So jealous.

          • Barb

            Rice-A-Roni and porn? The San Francisco Treat and The San Francisco Teat? Party at Soro's house!

          • OneDollarJuana

            SF porn used to be Carol Doda, "Two of San Francisco's three most famous landmarks."

          • PostApocalypse

            Man that's old stuff… now we've taken the Armory and turned it into a porn dungeon:
            http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/San_Francisco_Armory

            …make love not war, maaaaannnnnn!

          • finallyhappy

            You must be one of the older Wonketteers like me- if you remember Carol Doda.

          • ShaveTheWhales

            Both of them, Katie.

          • Biel_ze_Bubba

            Ah yes .. SF's other Twin Peaks. Before there was silcone, there was Carol Doda. That's how old we are!

          • tessiee

            "Before there was silcone, there was Carol Doda"

            ???

            I thought those tig ol' bitties of hers *were* silicone?

          • Biel_ze_Bubba

            She did get the "bigger living through chemistry" treatment, but that came later in her career.

    • baconzgood

      How come the earth has trees and mars doesn't?

      • horsedreamer_1

        Spiders, I think.

    • Nothingisamiss

      You both need more p for these answers! Win!

    • petehammer

      Are you telling me there's some kind of "oxygen alchemy"? And I'm the crazy one!?

    • loulouroo

      Miracles!

      • SonofSpermcube

        Fuckin' magnets

        • horsedreamer_1

          Fuckin' magnates, you mean. Koch Brothers need to feed the Georgia-Pacific beast.

  • Cicada

    CO2 goes in, O2 goes out. You can't explain that. Who knows how that works?

    Oh..oh right. SCIENTISTS.

    • Biel_ze_Bubba

      Meh — all those pesky scientists and their liberal facts. Why do they hate America?

  • nounverb911

    Rohrabacher to propose bulldozing Sequoia National Park next.

    • ThundercatHo

      Future site of Koch Bros Paper, Asphalt and Sea Turtle Processing Plants.

    • petehammer

      "Who told them trees they could be that tall! It's in defiance of God's will!"

    • mayor_quimby

      Just a bunch of goddamn old-ass trees anyhow. Suckin up all the light, stuntin' the growth of the youngin' trees. Think of it as medicare reform – for trees. Less Olds equals more productive Youngs.

  • Poindexter718

    That wasn't the Lorax, it was Md. Sen. Mikulski.

    • C_R_Eature

      America's Littlest Senator!

      • http://wonkette.com Pres[EXTERMINATE!!]

        That honor now rests with Sen. Chris Coons (D-Del.), who looks a hell of a lot like a Hobbit, including the whole short-stature thing.

        • C_R_Eature

          Zounds! I've met Senator Barb, but not Senator Coons and Senator Barb is Tiny. But, only in height.Has Peter Jackson been in touch?

        • SorosBot

          Once again, I'd like to thank the teabaggers for giving us Sen. Coons by dumping the shoe-in Mike Castle for a certain non-witch.

      • Negropolis

        Also, one of America's Coolest Senators. Also.

        She's a Maryland institution, she is. Like John Waters or crabs.

    • finallyhappy

      I love Senator Barb!!! She makes me look like a giant(but only height wise)

  • user-of-owls

    Damn right we should clear-cut those awful polluting rain forest trees. When we're done, we'll replace them with something much greener, like "solar trees."

    • SorosBot

      Funny thing is, we can't create a way to harness solar energy anywhere near as efficiently as the photosynthesis; our ingenuity still has nothing on evolution. If we could, then we would have no need for any other for any other form of power, including the dirty stored solar power in the form of long-dead trees that's causing global warming.

      • http://wonkette.com/ starfanglednut

        Slightly OT, but along similar lines, you might be interested in this.
        http://www.voanews.com/english/news/environment/G

        Biomimicry is the future, no snark.

      • ShaveTheWhales

        This is sort of a quibble (I do that), but I'm not sure how "efficient" photosynthesis really is. By the usual definition as applied to, say, photovoltaic cells, efficiency is usable power out divided by solar power in, or — integrating over some fixed time period — usable energy out divided by total solar energy in. For vegetation, the most favorable measure of stored energy comes from burning it. I'm pretty sure that on a straight stored-energy-to-accumulated-solar-energy basis, photosynthetic efficiency is a small fraction of a percent.

        Now, where evolution really still has the edge is in the fact that the photosynthesis-driven energy converters spontaneously self-assemble and operate themselves (and, of course, spend the vast majority of the solar power they take in making ATP to run themselves, rather than storing it). Oh, and they make more energy converters for free. Pretty slick, no matter what the efficiency is.

      • tessiee

        "we can't create a way to harness solar energy"

        According to "The Solar Cat Book", when cats nap in a patch of sunlight, what they're really doing is storing up solar energy.

        Not to get too technical, but the sunlight comes through the window in what scientists call "wavy lines", and is then absorbed by the cat's fur.

        • Numbat_Dundee

          Damn layabout hippy cats

    • OneDollarJuana

      Let's replace them with good old ethanol-subsidy genetically-modified Monsanto/ADM corn.

      • CapeClod

        And then build a coal powered windfarm.

      • PsycWench

        So that we can feed our methane-producing cattle on it. Methane drives away greenhouse-type gasses, right?

    • WIDTAP

      Solar Trees(TM). Brought to you by Haliburton.

    • tessiee

      "Solar trees" being the hip new on-the-go term for oil derricks.

  • nounverb911

    Needs more cow farts!

    • tessiee

      Cow farts ideally, but any kind of farts would suffice.

  • Mahousu

    If we can't afford health care for old people, we certainly can't afford it for old trees. Cut 'em down, and give the young saplings a chance!

    • finallyhappy

      The Dan Snyder system!

  • edgydrifter

    Maybe if we ran our air conditioners full-blast with all the windows open that would help fight global warming, too.

    • HistoriCat

      I'll go open the refrigerator door.

  • Barb

    Sarah Palin is against global warming and suggests that we send 20,000 troops to the sun.
    Face it, no matter how hot planet Earth gets I will never warm up to her.

    • http://thethingsrepublicanshate.com/ Chillwaver

      So Barb, tell us…how do you really feel about Sarah Palin?

    • jaytingle

      I know what your thinking: if we invade the sun our troops will burn up. But she meant we should invade at night. Of course, Sarah's not the best military strategist. She owns a submarine with a screen door. And one time she broke her arm raking leaves, because she fell out of the tree. What's more it takes all seven (eight?) members of the Palin family to change a light bulb…

      • ShaveTheWhales

        Try the fucking veal.

      • tessiee

        "all seven (eight?) members of the Palin family to change a light bulb"

        Answer 1: Trick question. They don't have light bulbs in the Dark Ages.
        Answer 2: No, it's OK. My poor little persecuted family and I will just sit here in the dark. We're fine. Really.

    • Negropolis

      Win!

      I like Tina Fey's parody of her when she said that global warming was just God hugging us closer.

    • tessiee

      "Sarah Palin is against global warming and suggests that we send 20,000 troops to the sun."

      Of course, we'd have to send them at night.

  • OC_Surf_Serf

    Dana Rohrabacher, himself, is made entirely of greenhouse gas

    • user-of-owls

      See Farts, Cow cited above.

    • littlebigdaddy

      Haha, he's got a girl's name.

    • Bonzos_Bed_Time

      Keeping stupid in the OC since 1988.

    • ShaveTheWhales

      I realized — again — reading this article, that as soon as I see "Dana Rohrabacher", my blood pressure immediately starts to rise.

  • pukebot

    at least we are winning the war on the environment.

  • BTWBFDIMHO

    As a Reaganite, he's a firm position against Big Trees.

  • gullywompr

    Do they intentionally asks questions so dumbfounding that the rest of the committee is speechless and unable to respond, or do they just sort of luck into it?

  • Cicada

    You know what we should do to all those evil polluting trees? Burn 'em! That'll learn 'em to release greenhouse gases into the atmosphere.

  • WhatTheHeck

    I'm stumped. Republicans now branching out into Tea Party, Jesusy science. Ha!
    Mark my words. The Day of the Triffids is coming.

    • HedonismBot

      "I'm stumped." "..branching out.."
      Ha ha! I see what you did there.

    • http://wonkette.com Pres[EXTERMINATE!!]

      This crew is more like the Daleks. Exterminate!

      • Banelm

        We can handle the triffids, as long as everyone doesn't go blind and turn british…

  • JoshuaNorton

    Watching a wingnut explain science is like watching a 5 year old trying to drive a car.

    • OneDollarJuana

      I helped my kid brother drive a car at age 5, and he did better than this guy at science.

    • Cicada

      Does the five year-old believe Jesus will keep him from hitting a tree too?

    • user-of-owls

      watching a 5 year old trying to drive a car.

      More like watching a 5 year old try to solve Hilbert's 16th problem.

    • tessiee

      Except that it's a very rare 5 year old who doesn't believe in cars.

  • Ramon X

    I'm plumb stupefied with astonishment at the brilliant Reaganesqueness of the climatic insight perpetrated by the gentleman from California!

    H/T Mark Twain

  • OneDollarJuana

    Trees are brown. Republicans hate the Browns. Cut 'em all down!

    • Lionel[redacted]Esq

      What about Scott Brown? Or is he just a RINO?

  • PeaceWithHonor

    I speak for Repubs
    Cause the Repubs have no brains
    And I tell you my friend
    They are fucking insane.

    • tessiee

      I'll nail up Palin in a box.
      I'll strangle Rohrbacher with week-old socks.
      And as for our good friend Newt,
      He'll get the imprint of my boot.
      If you haven't tried these things, you should.
      These things are fun, and fun is good.

  • LabRodent

    Not only is he Mormon but Wilford Brimley appears to also be the Lorax.

    • Negropolis

      Wait, the Lorax is a Type 2 diabetic?

  • Lucidamente1

    Well, Ronnie did tell us that trees cause air pollution.

    • DahBoner

      There you go again…

    • tessiee

      Repeatedly, even after he was painstakingly corrected.

      Just one of many reasons why I still can't stand the old idiot.

  • WIDTAP

    Beverly Law, a professor of forest science at Oregon State University, found another hole in Mr. Rohrabacher’s logic. Roughly 75 percent of the carbon dioxide emissions from the natural world come not from above-ground biomass, but from the soil, she said. “You don’t even want to give this guy another wacky idea, but he forgot about soil,” Dr. Law said.

    Rohrabacher to propose bulldozing all topsoil. Hopes GOP candidates currently in Iowa will support his plan.

    • C_R_Eature

      "… and then, we'll burn all the coal so we can store all the cut down old growth trees under ground – in the empty mines!"

      I actually hurts my head to try to emulate this level of Ignorance.

    • CivicHoliday

      Oh, well then the insane rates of topsoil erosion due to our brilliantly awful agricultural system are actually a GOOD thing! Fantastic – we'll eventually destroy our ability to feed ourselves but at least we curbed our CO2 emissions in the process! Yay!

    • zhubajie

      Current farming practices are sending the topsoil down the Mississippi into the Gulf pretty quickly.

    • ShaveTheWhales

      Pave the whales?

  • KeepFnThatChicken

    Maybe the Distinguished Senator would explain what will happen with all the dead trees that we fell in his plan. Will they also emit carbon dioxide, or will they have learned their lesson and cut that shit out?

    • OneDollarJuana

      You just put them all in Egyptian Pharoah tombs. There's wood furniture in there 5000 years old.

    • Cicada

      1.We use the trees to build malls.
      2.The malls sell reusable canvas shopping bags
      3.???
      4. ENVIRONMENT SAVED!!!

    • Weenus299

      Log Cabins for every Republican!

    • mrpuma2u

      Can we compost this guy instead? He doesn't seem to be worth much more than fertilizer to me. That will cut down on quite a bit of CO2 emissions.

    • mayor_quimby

      I think the correct stupid answer is from Eature above. dump the trees in empty coal mines, seal them, set them on fire, then in 500 years, you have a huge supply of charcoal to cook your squirrel bbq. Because that will be the only food, and the only fuel left by then.
      So where's my Nobel Prize for preserving humanity?

      • tessiee

        I think Centralia, PA already tried that.

    • zhubajie

      They'll be sold for private profit, of course.

  • http://ifthethunderdontgetya.blogspot.com/ ifthethunderdontgetya

    Dana Rohrabacher was sick of everyone calling Senator Jim Inhofe (R-Exxon) "the smart one".
    ~

  • http://eldonaldo.com el_donaldo

    In Rohrabacher's defense, the Lorax is shrill.

  • HedonismBot

    Rohrbacher then propsed massive federal layoffs to combat rising unemployment.

    • petehammer

      "It'll stimulate the economy because think of all the people we'll have to hire back!"

    • real_dc_native

      Yep – that seems to be their plan and I'm not even snarking.

  • chascates

    “Or would people be supportive of euthanizing older politicians in order to elect younger college students as a means to prevent this disaster from happening?” he continued.

  • http://thethingsrepublicanshate.com/ Chillwaver

    Today's Battle: Climate Change Deniers vs Pedophile Priests.

    Who wins? My money is on the downfisting troll, who is probably both.

    • CapeClod

      I would so watch that if it was an episode of "The Ultimate Warrior."

  • Peace in our time

    Yesterday I saw a truck delivering compressed CO2 to a McDonalds restaurant. Don't we have enough of that stuff in the atmosphere that we don't have to make more of it?

    • OneDollarJuana

      CO2? But McDonald's gives me methane (which I gleefully donate back to my family).

    • Cicada

      Don't worry! The CO2 in compressed tanks is usually harvested from the the byproducts of other industrial processes, like large-scale fermentation. CO2 is so abundant, it would be incredibly cost ineffective to try to synthesize it.

      • HempDogbane

        such as from the ethanol industry, which also produces glycerin as a by-product. Astroglide, carbonated beverages and gasoline with ethanol. Tim Pawlenty will soon be coming to your state to tell the truth about these products.

        • HistoriCat

          I never want to see "Tim Pawlenty" and "Astroglide" so close together again.

      • ShaveTheWhales

        Well, synthesizing CO2 is pretty much "throw another log on the fire".

  • Mumbletypeg

    Too bad he and the Lorax couldn't work from the same page; the Congressman's own name "Rohrabacher" has an almost Seuss-ian compound cadence to it, akin to the illustrator's Diffendoofer and such.

    • carlgt1

      "The Rohrbacher's heart shrunk three sizes that day…."

    • HempDogbane

      Rep. Dana Diffendoofer will replace Bachmann, due to her campaign for POTUS.

  • baconzgood

    Who does this Dana Rohrabacher represent? What idiots voted for this brain dead ass face. Cut down trees to save them?

    • http://wonkette.com Ken Layne

      Orange County, California … obvs.

    • lowaltflier

      He represents a part of Orange county CA. Need I say more. I almost had the bad miss fortune to live in his district. The new lines drawn after the 2000 census connected his district to the port of Long Beach. They missed me by one block.
      This also eliminated Steve Horns district. Horn was a republican. But he represented his people well.
      Oh for the good old days.

    • JoeBiteme

      He represents the deep thinkers of Orange County…

  • littlebigdaddy

    Haven't we seen this movie before? Oh, yes we have. It was called "Idiocracy."

    • http://thethingsrepublicanshate.com/ Chillwaver

      I wanna see Dana Rohrabacher in "Ow! My Balls!"

  • XOhioan

    Huh–everybody knows trees cause global warming. Look it up on your series of tubes.

  • SayItWithWookies

    Did Mr. Rohrbacher utter these words while eating a lunch of shark fin soup and a snow leopard sandwich?

    • DashboardBuddha

      I thought it was grilled yeti.

    • neiltheblaze

      Spotted Owl Souffle

    • http://wonkette.com/ Sharkey

      I can hear you, you know.

    • [redacted]hse

      May I suggest a scab sandwich and a glass of pus for the gentleman?

    • iburl

      And a heaping hot bowl of Kung Pow Panda from Panda Express.

    • zhubajie

      Of course not! Chinese food is unpatriotic!

    • tessiee

      Rohrbacher should BE a snow leopard sandwich.

  • bumfug

    Then take all the cut-down trees and use 'em to make millions of wooden butt plugs for cows to block the farts! It's genius, see!

    • Graham Cracker

      That will work until the cows build up too much pressure… then watch out!

      Ever been hit by a flying wooden butt plug?

      • tessiee

        Kindly leave my personal life out of this.

      • Negropolis

        Damn, I thought we were talking about cowbombs.

  • neiltheblaze

    This is what comes from learning everything you know about climate science at Liberty University.

    • finallyhappy

      I work with someone who was wearing a Liberty U shirt- he told me it was a seminary. I wanted to tell him he is a moron- I didn't as we were both near the knife drawer.

    • tessiee

      Are we sure it wasn't Bovine University?

  • PsycWench

    "Republican Congressman Dana Rohrabacher is a senior member on the House Committee on Throttling Science"

    fixed

    • Peace in our time

      Auto-erotic asphyxiation?

  • CapeClod

    And then send in Johnny Appleseed to grow new saplings.

    • user-of-owls

      Which will be promptly chopped down by George Washington, a crime for which he duly admits his guilt.

      He's coming, he's coming.

  • genxr

    Would it help if we nuked the whales?

    • Peace in our time

      We walrus hurt the ones we love.

      • SayItWithWookies

        As the Beach Boys said, he's giving us ex-cetacean.

        • http://wonkette.com/ starfanglednut

          Very good.

    • CivicHoliday

      Isn't the Navy already taking care of that for us?

    • DashboardBuddha

      Nuke the gay baby whales for Jesus.

    • ShaveTheWhales

      Hey now.

  • CrunchyKnee

    The republicans only care for unborn trees (acorns and such).

    • tessiee

      But not ACORN.

    • Negropolis

      Just like Republicans to only care about nuts.

  • fartknocker

    Dana Rohrbacher fits nicely into the Noble gases column on the Periodic table. He's mentally inert, a simple asphxyiant, and like his stupidity, very abundant.

    Instead of carbon sequestration, we should call it Rohrbacher sequestration. It has a very practical sound to it.

  • sportshort

    Science is such a bore. An awfully boring chore. I don't want to hear any more. I'll just lay my head down and snore.
    Facts are such troublesome things. I hate the trouble they brings. I'd rather play cowboys and kings. Or tickle my wee ding a ling.

  • ArmoredBore

    Fuckin' rainforests! How do they work!?

    • Peace in our time

      They don't work and pay taxes, that's why we need to get rid of them.

      • DahBoner

        And trees don't have lobbyists…

  • C_R_Eature

    There's such a fine line between Clever and Stupid.

    • Peace in our time

      Rohrbacher seems to have snorted that line.

      • C_R_Eature

        Ding!

  • ThundercatHo

    Seriously, W. Jr. had me at "sharpish and bossy".

    • http://wonkette.com Ken Layne

      Let's not overdo it! I suggested there was a Lorax joke in this story and "Wonkette Jr." cut and pasted a few verses from the actual Lorax book by Dr. Seuss.

      So, five points for taking suggestions well, two points for execution. (Kidding! It's a great post.)

  • Lionel[redacted]Esq

    If the trees were that important, they would have given a ton of money to the GOP like the Oil and Coal companies.

    • user-of-owls

      Step One: Figure this whole "money growing on trees" conundrum.

      Step Two: Hire Callista Louise Gingrich to lobby for us.

      • mrpuma2u

        Downfist operatives on the loose in this tread, I just upfisted who i could but beware.

  • proudgrampa

    Seriously. We are being punk'd here, amirite?

    What qualifications, if any, are needed to sit on the House Committee on Science? A Phd in Creation Science???

    We are sooooo freakin' doomed.

    • C_R_Eature

      "Qualifications? Qualifications? We're the Republicans!
      WE don't need any EESTINKING Qualifications!

  • http://wonkette.com/ Sharkey

    It all makes sense now! Junior is the Once-ler!

  • http://www.storycorner.us/ JustPixelz

    "“Or would people be supportive of cutting down older trees in order to plant younger trees as a means to prevent this disaster from happening?” [Rohrabacher] continued."

    I missed something. This is a Repubican openly admitting to the reality of climate change due to greenhouse gases. Is today opposite day? Do pigs have wings now? Is the weather in Hell (Minnesota) sub-freezing?

  • Cicada

    The obvious answer is that the Martians worship a heathen god. Easy-peasy!

  • BarackMyWorld
    • C_R_Eature

      After a few episodes of this you just go numb.

      Take it from me.

  • http://www.udargo.com MaxUdargo

    The eternal question arises again: are American conservatives really this stupid, or are they just being smart alecks?

    The world may never know.

    • [redacted]hse

      I wonder the same thing about Evangelical preachers and bible-thumping politicians. They must know there is no God or they wouldn't be so brazen.

    • tessiee

      My vote goes to "they're really that stupid".

  • ThundercatHo

    I'm truly astounded that anyone as fucking stupid as this stupid fuck is able to get dressed in the morning. let alone hold a fairly prominent position (almost called it a job). Seriously, how does this happen? Shouldn't this idiotic motherfucker be living in a group home?

    • finallyhappy

      you would be surprised about the level of intelligence of people living in group homes compared to the people in Congress- or so it seems to me.

      • real_dc_native

        Seems like the Capitol building is a group home for the impaired. At least on THAT side of the house.

    • Steverino247

      People who live in group homes are crazy, not stupid. Stupid and crazy? You represent a district in Orange County, California.

  • http://hong-kong-actresses.blogspot.com/ donner_froh

    The Lorax would have squeezed Rohrbacher's head until his brains ran out of his ears but Rohrbacher doesn't have any brains so it wouldn't have made him and smarter.

  • OneYieldRegular

    http://www.guardian.co.uk/world/2011/may/24/amazo

    What's Mr. Sensitive going to do next? Sign a petition to have Gabby Giffords recalled?

  • littlebigdaddy

    See, the thing is howler monkeys. Those motherf*ckers fart up a storm all the time. So if you get rid of the rain forest, you get rid of those bastards too, and I say good riddance to those shit-hurlers.

    • user-of-owls

      No shit.

      W. Junior's got her panties in a twist over robots taking over the world. Fuck that, it's the fucking monkeys that scare the shit out of me!

    • Graham Cracker

      Let's see… howling, farting and throwing shit around, and not having much of a brain. Just like an…
      Oh, I don't know…

      a Republican Congressman.

  • http://www.twoeightnine.com twoeightnine

    I suggest, in order to stop Republicans from fucking young studs on the downlow we allow all Republicans to fuck all young studs on the downlow right this minute.

  • Come here a minute

    Grickle grass is a weed — pave it over and put up a parking lot.

    • real_dc_native

      We won't know what we've got 'til it's gone.
      Cut down the trees and put up a parking lot.

      • Come here a minute

        Oooooooh — bop, bop, bop, bop

  • Nothingisamiss

    "Idiocracy," a documentary I loved.

  • http://howtosavetheworld.ca/ BZ1

    The Big-bang theory: when facts collide with beliefs

  • Sue4466

    Who said the GOP is anti-science?!

  • KeepFnThatChicken

    The House Committee on Science
    is not as Committed to Science
    as we now know.

  • fuflans

    Then dana said “global warming’s a scourge,
    But the republican answer soon will emerge!”
    He said “cut the trees sir, cut them all, every one!
    The shortest and tallest and oldest (for fun!)
    No ash shall be spared!
    No rowan exempt!”
    (And this is why dana gets loads of contempt)

  • Trinket

    Oh. Yes, of course! It's the TREES that are ruining the planet! How did we not notice that before now?

    Jesus fucking christ.

  • nappyduggs

    An extant variation on this theme has the vast majority of Republican men doing their bit for population control by just never engaging in any sort of vaginal intercourse.

    Thank you Wonkette Jr. for the Lorax reference. It's my older kids favorite Dr. Seuss book, and though he would never admit to it now that he's a little man, he used to cry because all of the trees went away.

    • AJW@[redacted]

      I would suggest they insert their peens into the knotholes of the trees before bulldozing said trees.

  • user-of-owls

    Hey gang, a little help? I'm zeroed out on page one, in a reply on my original "Paul Bunyan" thread. Hep me, hep me!

    • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/ Chet Kincaid

      No panhandling!

    • tessiee

      I upfisted you just for the "Blazing Saddles" reference.

  • PostApocalypse

    … don't worry, that vexing question will disappear soon enough.

  • mavenmaven

    Saw, baby, saw!

  • AJW@[redacted]

    I plumbed mine for Brawndo. Because it's got electrolytes.

    • DashboardBuddha

      But what are electrolytes?

      • mayor_quimby

        What are you, some kind of queer? I forget the line from the movie exactly.

        • DashboardBuddha

          sigh – electrolytes are what plants crave.

          • mayor_quimby

            My bad, I was remembering the part where they said he talked like a fag for using normal sentences.

          • tessiee

            "Why are you reading words? Are you a faggot?"

            I know that movie is supposed to be funny in a dark way, and I do like Guitar Army, but the first time I heard that line, it actually made my heart hurt.

  • emmelemm

    Wonkette Jr., I am officially in love with you for the little Seuss picture. May your reign at Wonkette be long and storied.

    • real_dc_native

      Don't you mean long and sordid? That's how my time as a Wonketteer has been.

  • emmelemm

    Kill you 2 save you. YAY!

  • anniegetyerfun

    I just assumed that this was some sort of metaphor for ending Medicare. The olds, they will die, and the young ones will replace them. Who could not be in favor of killing old things?

  • loulouroo

    When did Insane Clown Posse take over Wonkette??

  • DaRooster

    Just fire up the Death Panels and we won't need as much of this oxygen stuff…

  • HogeyeGrex

    Wait!?!? I thought Dougie Feith was the dumbest fucking guy on the planet.

    My world is shattered!

  • Ancient_Hacker

    Hate to tell you folks, but they're halfway right– If you cut down trees, and store the wood in a cave, that carbon won't go back into the atmosphere.

    So they're a bit more correct than Dan Quayle was while on that Space Advisory board..

    Not a high bar to surmount :)

    • charitablearm

      Uhh, they are zero percent right unless you seal off the cave so gas can't escape. Also because trees that are alive are NOT DECAYING.

  • Buckminster

    D'ya think these idiots ever check a single fact before spouting their ignorant, uneducated opinions?

    Nope, I don't think so. If they did, they would be ashamed of themselves.

  • genxr

    Fucking Saruman was a pussy. Republicans will send in Seal Team Six to get Treebeard personally.

    • mrpuma2u

      Yeah Saruman had some flame shooting crap near his tower, but Delta Force has that shit in backpacks. Treebeard does look a lot like Oscumma bin loser.

      But seriously, this guy again is a good argument for atheism. Verily, any just gawd would cause a tree to fall on him and leave him a brain dead vegetable, where his greedy, inheritance seeking children would have the plug pulled to get his $$$. That is how the story would end if i wrote it.

  • Rotundo_

    Republican science? Izzat one of those oxymoron things like military intelligence or jumbo shrimp? I thought they were kind of stuck in the pre-renaissance scientific model anyhow. Oh well, I'm sure that they have no problems with the mental gymnastics involved to believe their shit, it is amazing what you'll believe for a few bucks.

  • Native_of_SL_UT

    1. Greenhouse gasses cause global warming.
    2. Trees and plants grow in greenhouses.
    3. Trees and plants cause global warming.
    4. Kill the trees to prevent global warming.
    Problem solved!

  • the_onceler

    That Congressman is more a onceler than the lorax. The lorax is a tree-hugger!

  • VinnyThePooh

    Good bye Field & Stream. Hello Parking Lot & Culvert.

  • di_da_is_alpha

    I wonder why Chicken Little Climate Fear Monger Michael Specter didn't have a chapter on AGW in his book, 'Denialism'? You'd think that he would use that as the 'climactic' chapter, yet ……… other than asserting AGW as being fact in the introduction and lamenting that he didn't include it in the book in his afterward, nothing. Zip. Zero. Nada.

    It couldn't possibly be that AGW is a marxist tool used by other marxist tools to attack capitalism, and any 'facts' he provided would have been proven false, could it? I'll give you idiots this much; if the congressman has been quoted accurately and in context, he sure doesn't help my side.

    • SorosBot

      I hate to break it to you, but no matter how much you believe the world is flat won't make it any less round. Global warming is proven fact happening right now, and anyone who claims otherwise is a moron and a tool of the energy industry.

      • di_da_is_alpha

        Who said the world is flat, insect? Damn you're a pathetic piece of shit. If you use any energy, you're a hypocritical piece of shit, too. Now answer the question, why didn't Specter include a chapter on AGW? He's one of yours, you know. Ya know what? Don't bother answering the question, you're a proven liar, and I'm done with this cesspool website for awhile, anyway. See ya, insec….. I mean 'my wonkette brother.' : )

        • SorosBot

          Ha ha. You just called me a liar, right after denying the proven fact of global warming? Good one. Tell me, if global warming doesn't exist, why does every single climate scientist agree that it's real? And if it's a conspiracy, then what is the motive? The motive of the denialists is clear, switching to cleaner energy would hurt the profits of oil companies; yet I have never heard a plausible reason why any scientist would make up global warming if it didn't exist.

          But then, you have actually supported creationism / "intelligent design", so everything you say has nothing to do with the real world.

        • tessiee

          "I'm done with this cesspool website for awhile"

          Tr: "you can't fire me; I quit!"

  • easynewz

    We had to destroy the forest in order to save it.

    • DahBoner

      Agent Orange?

      • easynewz

        Or Napalm.

  • easynewz

    Today you are you
    that is truer than true.
    There is no one alive
    who is dumber than you.

  • DahBoner

    Stop a fight by hitting everyone in the jaw…

  • DahBoner

    Did a tree ever give you a job?

  • DahBoner

    "75% of CO2 emissions come from soil."

    His Global Warming Denial conspiracy soiled again!!!

  • MinAgain

    One fish.
    Two fish.
    Red fish.
    Blue fish.
    Then the red fish suggested draining the oceans in an attempt to control catastrophic weather conditions resulting from climate change, and the blue fish ate him. The end.

  • Sheesko

    Dana Baby sez oh no it ain't so! Also spracht his latest presser:
    http://rohrabacher.house.gov/News/DocumentSingle….

    Anybody got the transcript yet? Because the statement doesn't make it clear that what he *does* claim to have said is any smarter than what we're saying he did.

    • HedonismBot

      "Trees are emitting 90 % of CO2 emissions. But CO2 isn't causing global warming, I'm not saying we should cut down the trees to stop the emissions, but we should cut down the trees to stop the emissions, which aren't really causing anything. Jesus derpderp freedom derp."
      That's what I got out of it. But I'm not a deep thinker on the level of Dana Rohrbacher. Hey, he's just asking questions, dude.

  • AFKensington

    This article is win. This Wonkette Jr should stick around.

  • Negropolis

    America, this is why we can't have nice things. This is why we have to have our mittens pinned to our coat during nuclear winter, and why we have to wear our helmets during Arab spring.

    And then Dana Rohrabacher had the Lorax charged with Patriot Act violations/Environmentalist Terrorism. And a few decades later, the Lorax died in his aluminum cell at Guantanamo Bay, his little head resting in the lap of Bradley Manning.

    Wonkette, Jr. (w/cheese), you are winning the future. Keep up the great work.

    • Negropolis

      Actually, sometimes we do receive nice things, but we're not allowed to take them out of the package. You know, like an old person's living room that's anything but lived in covered with plastic and/or tarps.

  • Negropolis

    You guys, this is huge. We have a Republican addressing climate change as a legitimate issue.

  • gullywompr

    UNLESS.

  • CivicHoliday

    “Is there some thought being given to subsidizing the ABORTING OF UNWANTED CHILDREN in order for some countries to eliminate that production of greenhouse gases?…Or would people be supportive of CULLING OLDER PEOPLE in order to MAKE ROOM FOR YOUNGER, MORE PRODUCTIVE MEMBERS OF SOCIETY as a means to prevent this disaster from happening?”

    /FIXED

    (funny how understanding the difference between photosynthesis and cellular respiration turned him from a Tea Party darling into a NOW activist)

  • zhubajie

    Well, Reagan said trees cause air pollution, so it must be TRUE!

  • Beck_is_Trig

    Jesus…Dana Rohrbacher is like Palin dumb. I mean, we get doses of her quite often so Joe Barton and Dana Rohrbacher amongst other male bimbo Republicans tends to go unnoticed. But this guy has a body of work that ranks him amongst the just flat out dumbest GOP congressman. This isn't his first trip to the stupid rodeo, either. Wonkette NEEDS to pick on Western dumbass Republicans more often…Joe Barton and Jan Brewer are far from the worst, trust me. I've said this before and I'll say it again…David Wu, one of our Oregon reps may be kind of deranged and probably should seek help…but this is sober and 'sane' Dana Rohrbacher…just process that one.

  • thetimchannel

    Whatever they replace the trees with is ok by me, so long as it's got electrolytes.
    Enjoy.

  • redamanda

    But that CO2 and O2 stuff isn't in the bible so it can't be true like that big flood and jeebus.

  • tessiee

    Since I've been known to hit the sales and outlet stores, and then be all pleased about how much money I "saved", I really should shut right up.

    Nahhhhhh.

  • tessiee

    And by "Paul Bunyan", we mean "Halliburton".

  • tessiee

    Of course, we all know who the REAL victim is here.

  • soniasy1800

    We're the man and woman of world, we are the one who care of it. Global warming and climate change affects our lives such pollution, flash-floods and any disasters. How if we? we can do planting trees, roots of its and absorb water to prevent those disasters.

    Sonia Aguila http://www.leimo.biz

  • lulzmonger

    Zombie Reagan bullshit is made of bullshit & Zombie.

    Dana Rohrabacher needs an Alzheimer's test ASAP.

    Also too: grickle-grass FTW!