REPUBLICAN SCIENCE  2:37 pm May 27, 2011

To Stop Climate Change, GOP Suggests Clearing World’s Rainforests

by Wonkette Jr.

My dander is up!Republican Congressman Dana Rohrabacher is a senior member on the House Committee on Science, so it’s no surprise that he’s … uh, insane? This is Rep. Rohrabacher’s big idea about how to fix the Global Warming crisis: “Is there some thought being given to subsidizing the clearing of rain forests in order for some countries to eliminate that production of greenhouse gases?”

He posed this compelling scientific question to the Obama Administration’s climate change envoy — we have an envoy for that? — during a congressional hearing on global warming. It’s good, we guess, that all the Republicans aren’t totally denying there’s such a thing as global warming and melting icecaps and drowning baby polar bears. But maybe they shouldn’t think about it at all.

“Or would people be supportive of cutting down older trees in order to plant younger trees as a means to prevent this disaster from happening?” [Rohrabacher] continued.

Forestry experts were dumbfounded by Mr. Rohrabacher’s line of questioning, noting that the world’s forests currently absorb far more carbon dioxide than they emit — capturing roughly one-third of all man-made emissions and helping mitigate climate change.

And then, they heard a ga-Zump! They looked and saw something pop out of the stump. It was sort of a man. Describe him? … That’s hard. I don’t know if I can.

He was shortish. And oldish. And brownish. And mossy. And he spoke with a voice that was sharpish and bossy.

“Mister!” he said with a sawdusty sneeze, “I am the Lorax.. I speak for the trees. I speak for the trees, for the trees have no tongues. And I’m asking you, sir, at the top if my lungs …”

And then Dana Rohrabacher had the Lorax charged with Patriot Act violations/Environmentalist Terrorism. And a few decades later, the Lorax died in his aluminum cell at Guantanamo Bay, his little head resting in the lap of Bradley Manning.

Somewhere, not so many miles away in Florida, Barack Obama played a round of golf, where the grickle-grass grows. [NYT]

 

Hola wonkerados.

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{ 256 comments }

SorosBot May 27, 2011 at 2:40 pm

Carbon Dioxide goes in, Oxygen goes out, how'd that happen? You can't explain that!

Cicada May 27, 2011 at 2:43 pm

Jinx!

SorosBot May 27, 2011 at 2:46 pm

Faster by a minute!

OC_Surf_Serf May 27, 2011 at 2:48 pm

That will win you favours in the whorehouse…

Cicada May 27, 2011 at 2:49 pm

You win the internet! I think it comes with a year's supply of Rice-A-Roni and all the porn you can download.

So jealous.

Barb May 27, 2011 at 2:54 pm

Rice-A-Roni and porn? The San Francisco Treat and The San Francisco Teat? Party at Soro's house!

baconzgood May 27, 2011 at 3:01 pm

How come the earth has trees and mars doesn't?

horsedreamer_1 May 29, 2011 at 4:31 pm

Spiders, I think.

Nothingisamiss May 27, 2011 at 3:12 pm

You both need more p for these answers! Win!

petehammer May 27, 2011 at 3:29 pm

Are you telling me there's some kind of "oxygen alchemy"? And I'm the crazy one!?

loulouroo May 27, 2011 at 3:58 pm

Miracles!

SonofSpermcube May 28, 2011 at 2:27 am

Fuckin' magnets

horsedreamer_1 May 29, 2011 at 4:32 pm

Fuckin' magnates, you mean. Koch Brothers need to feed the Georgia-Pacific beast.

Cicada May 27, 2011 at 2:41 pm

CO2 goes in, O2 goes out. You can't explain that. Who knows how that works?

Oh..oh right. SCIENTISTS.

Biel_ze_Bubba May 28, 2011 at 11:59 pm

Meh — all those pesky scientists and their liberal facts. Why do they hate America?

nounverb911 May 27, 2011 at 2:41 pm

Rohrabacher to propose bulldozing Sequoia National Park next.

ThundercatHo May 27, 2011 at 3:18 pm

Future site of Koch Bros Paper, Asphalt and Sea Turtle Processing Plants.

petehammer May 27, 2011 at 3:29 pm

"Who told them trees they could be that tall! It's in defiance of God's will!"

mayor_quimby May 28, 2011 at 1:06 am

Just a bunch of goddamn old-ass trees anyhow. Suckin up all the light, stuntin' the growth of the youngin' trees. Think of it as medicare reform – for trees. Less Olds equals more productive Youngs.

Poindexter718 May 27, 2011 at 2:41 pm

That wasn't the Lorax, it was Md. Sen. Mikulski.

C_R_Eature May 27, 2011 at 3:03 pm

America's Littlest Senator!

Pres[EXTERMINATE!!] May 27, 2011 at 4:01 pm

That honor now rests with Sen. Chris Coons (D-Del.), who looks a hell of a lot like a Hobbit, including the whole short-stature thing.

C_R_Eature May 27, 2011 at 4:17 pm

Zounds! I've met Senator Barb, but not Senator Coons and Senator Barb is Tiny. But, only in height.Has Peter Jackson been in touch?

SorosBot May 27, 2011 at 7:53 pm

Once again, I'd like to thank the teabaggers for giving us Sen. Coons by dumping the shoe-in Mike Castle for a certain non-witch.

Negropolis May 28, 2011 at 2:03 am

Also, one of America's Coolest Senators. Also.

She's a Maryland institution, she is. Like John Waters or crabs.

finallyhappy May 27, 2011 at 4:26 pm

I love Senator Barb!!! She makes me look like a giant(but only height wise)

user-of-owls May 27, 2011 at 2:42 pm

Damn right we should clear-cut those awful polluting rain forest trees. When we're done, we'll replace them with something much greener, like "solar trees."

SorosBot May 27, 2011 at 2:49 pm

Funny thing is, we can't create a way to harness solar energy anywhere near as efficiently as the photosynthesis; our ingenuity still has nothing on evolution. If we could, then we would have no need for any other for any other form of power, including the dirty stored solar power in the form of long-dead trees that's causing global warming.

starfanglednut May 28, 2011 at 9:01 pm

Slightly OT, but along similar lines, you might be interested in this.
http://www.voanews.com/english/news/environment/G

Biomimicry is the future, no snark.

trampndirtdown May 29, 2011 at 11:25 am
starfanglednut May 29, 2011 at 7:22 pm

Yay!

ShaveTheWhales May 28, 2011 at 10:24 pm

This is sort of a quibble (I do that), but I'm not sure how "efficient" photosynthesis really is. By the usual definition as applied to, say, photovoltaic cells, efficiency is usable power out divided by solar power in, or — integrating over some fixed time period — usable energy out divided by total solar energy in. For vegetation, the most favorable measure of stored energy comes from burning it. I'm pretty sure that on a straight stored-energy-to-accumulated-solar-energy basis, photosynthetic efficiency is a small fraction of a percent.

Now, where evolution really still has the edge is in the fact that the photosynthesis-driven energy converters spontaneously self-assemble and operate themselves (and, of course, spend the vast majority of the solar power they take in making ATP to run themselves, rather than storing it). Oh, and they make more energy converters for free. Pretty slick, no matter what the efficiency is.

tessiee May 29, 2011 at 12:56 pm

"we can't create a way to harness solar energy"

According to "The Solar Cat Book", when cats nap in a patch of sunlight, what they're really doing is storing up solar energy.

Not to get too technical, but the sunlight comes through the window in what scientists call "wavy lines", and is then absorbed by the cat's fur.

Numbat_Dundee May 30, 2011 at 12:34 am

Damn layabout hippy cats

OneDollarJuana May 27, 2011 at 2:52 pm

Let's replace them with good old ethanol-subsidy genetically-modified Monsanto/ADM corn.

CapeClod May 27, 2011 at 2:57 pm

And then build a coal powered windfarm.

PsycWench May 27, 2011 at 2:58 pm

So that we can feed our methane-producing cattle on it. Methane drives away greenhouse-type gasses, right?

WIDTAP May 27, 2011 at 2:54 pm

Solar Trees(TM). Brought to you by Haliburton.

user-of-owls May 27, 2011 at 3:05 pm

No way, Tap.

I TM'ed the fuckin' life outta Solar Trees!

p.s. My attorney, Joe "The Killer" Biden will be in touch with you soon.
http://wonkette.com/446523/joe-biden-stuck-at-whi

tessiee May 29, 2011 at 12:54 pm

"Solar trees" being the hip new on-the-go term for oil derricks.

nounverb911 May 27, 2011 at 2:43 pm

Needs more cow farts!

tessiee May 29, 2011 at 1:01 pm

Cow farts ideally, but any kind of farts would suffice.

Mahousu May 27, 2011 at 2:43 pm

If we can't afford health care for old people, we certainly can't afford it for old trees. Cut 'em down, and give the young saplings a chance!

finallyhappy May 27, 2011 at 4:27 pm

The Dan Snyder system!

edgydrifter May 27, 2011 at 2:43 pm

Maybe if we ran our air conditioners full-blast with all the windows open that would help fight global warming, too.

HistoriCat May 27, 2011 at 3:36 pm

I'll go open the refrigerator door.

Barb May 27, 2011 at 2:44 pm

Sarah Palin is against global warming and suggests that we send 20,000 troops to the sun.
Face it, no matter how hot planet Earth gets I will never warm up to her.

Chillwaver May 27, 2011 at 3:01 pm

So Barb, tell us…how do you really feel about Sarah Palin?

jaytingle May 28, 2011 at 2:56 pm

I know what your thinking: if we invade the sun our troops will burn up. But she meant we should invade at night. Of course, Sarah's not the best military strategist. She owns a submarine with a screen door. And one time she broke her arm raking leaves, because she fell out of the tree. What's more it takes all seven (eight?) members of the Palin family to change a light bulb…

ShaveTheWhales May 28, 2011 at 10:26 pm

Try the fucking veal.

tessiee May 29, 2011 at 1:22 pm

"all seven (eight?) members of the Palin family to change a light bulb"

Answer 1: Trick question. They don't have light bulbs in the Dark Ages.
Answer 2: No, it's OK. My poor little persecuted family and I will just sit here in the dark. We're fine. Really.

Negropolis May 29, 2011 at 7:47 am

Win!

I like Tina Fey's parody of her when she said that global warming was just God hugging us closer.

tessiee May 29, 2011 at 1:02 pm

"Sarah Palin is against global warming and suggests that we send 20,000 troops to the sun."

Of course, we'd have to send them at night.

OC_Surf_Serf May 27, 2011 at 2:44 pm

Dana Rohrabacher, himself, is made entirely of greenhouse gas

user-of-owls May 27, 2011 at 2:49 pm

See Farts, Cow cited above.

littlebigdaddy May 27, 2011 at 2:55 pm

Haha, he's got a girl's name.

Bonzos_Bed_Time May 27, 2011 at 4:21 pm

Keeping stupid in the OC since 1988.

ShaveTheWhales May 28, 2011 at 10:27 pm

I realized — again — reading this article, that as soon as I see "Dana Rohrabacher", my blood pressure immediately starts to rise.

pukebot May 27, 2011 at 2:45 pm

at least we are winning the war on the environment.

BTWBFDIMHO May 27, 2011 at 2:45 pm

As a Reaganite, he's a firm position against Big Trees.

gullywompr May 27, 2011 at 2:45 pm

Do they intentionally asks questions so dumbfounding that the rest of the committee is speechless and unable to respond, or do they just sort of luck into it?

Mumbletypeg May 27, 2011 at 3:14 pm

Your move, Smokey Joe!

Cicada May 27, 2011 at 2:46 pm

You know what we should do to all those evil polluting trees? Burn 'em! That'll learn 'em to release greenhouse gases into the atmosphere.

WhatTheHeck May 27, 2011 at 2:47 pm

I'm stumped. Republicans now branching out into Tea Party, Jesusy science. Ha!
Mark my words. The Day of the Triffids is coming.

HedonismBot May 27, 2011 at 2:53 pm

"I'm stumped." "..branching out.."
Ha ha! I see what you did there.

Pres[EXTERMINATE!!] May 27, 2011 at 4:03 pm

This crew is more like the Daleks. Exterminate!

Banelm May 28, 2011 at 2:23 pm

We can handle the triffids, as long as everyone doesn't go blind and turn british…

JoshuaNorton May 27, 2011 at 2:48 pm

Watching a wingnut explain science is like watching a 5 year old trying to drive a car.

OneDollarJuana May 27, 2011 at 2:49 pm

I helped my kid brother drive a car at age 5, and he did better than this guy at science.

Cicada May 27, 2011 at 2:51 pm

Does the five year-old believe Jesus will keep him from hitting a tree too?

user-of-owls May 27, 2011 at 3:18 pm

watching a 5 year old trying to drive a car.

More like watching a 5 year old try to solve Hilbert's 16th problem.

tessiee May 29, 2011 at 1:25 pm

Except that it's a very rare 5 year old who doesn't believe in cars.

Ramon X May 27, 2011 at 2:48 pm

I'm plumb stupefied with astonishment at the brilliant Reaganesqueness of the climatic insight perpetrated by the gentleman from California!

H/T Mark Twain

OneDollarJuana May 27, 2011 at 2:48 pm

Trees are brown. Republicans hate the Browns. Cut 'em all down!

Lionel[redacted]Esq May 27, 2011 at 3:01 pm

What about Scott Brown? Or is he just a RINO?

PeaceWithHonor May 27, 2011 at 2:48 pm

I speak for Repubs
Cause the Repubs have no brains
And I tell you my friend
They are fucking insane.

tessiee May 29, 2011 at 1:38 pm

I'll nail up Palin in a box.
I'll strangle Rohrbacher with week-old socks.
And as for our good friend Newt,
He'll get the imprint of my boot.
If you haven't tried these things, you should.
These things are fun, and fun is good.

LabRodent May 27, 2011 at 2:49 pm

Not only is he Mormon but Wilford Brimley appears to also be the Lorax.

Negropolis May 28, 2011 at 2:11 am

Wait, the Lorax is a Type 2 diabetic?

Lucidamente1 May 27, 2011 at 2:49 pm

Well, Ronnie did tell us that trees cause air pollution.

DahBoner May 27, 2011 at 5:45 pm

There you go again…

tessiee May 29, 2011 at 1:26 pm

Repeatedly, even after he was painstakingly corrected.

Just one of many reasons why I still can't stand the old idiot.

WIDTAP May 27, 2011 at 2:50 pm

Beverly Law, a professor of forest science at Oregon State University, found another hole in Mr. Rohrabacher’s logic. Roughly 75 percent of the carbon dioxide emissions from the natural world come not from above-ground biomass, but from the soil, she said. “You don’t even want to give this guy another wacky idea, but he forgot about soil,” Dr. Law said.

Rohrabacher to propose bulldozing all topsoil. Hopes GOP candidates currently in Iowa will support his plan.

C_R_Eature May 27, 2011 at 3:08 pm

"… and then, we'll burn all the coal so we can store all the cut down old growth trees under ground – in the empty mines!"

I actually hurts my head to try to emulate this level of Ignorance.

CivicHoliday May 28, 2011 at 11:13 am

Oh, well then the insane rates of topsoil erosion due to our brilliantly awful agricultural system are actually a GOOD thing! Fantastic – we'll eventually destroy our ability to feed ourselves but at least we curbed our CO2 emissions in the process! Yay!

zhubajie May 28, 2011 at 7:15 pm

Current farming practices are sending the topsoil down the Mississippi into the Gulf pretty quickly.

ShaveTheWhales May 28, 2011 at 10:29 pm

Pave the whales?

KeepFnThatChicken May 27, 2011 at 2:51 pm

Maybe the Distinguished Senator would explain what will happen with all the dead trees that we fell in his plan. Will they also emit carbon dioxide, or will they have learned their lesson and cut that shit out?

OneDollarJuana May 27, 2011 at 2:55 pm

You just put them all in Egyptian Pharoah tombs. There's wood furniture in there 5000 years old.

Cicada May 27, 2011 at 3:08 pm

1.We use the trees to build malls.
2.The malls sell reusable canvas shopping bags
3.???
4. ENVIRONMENT SAVED!!!

Weenus299 May 27, 2011 at 3:17 pm

Log Cabins for every Republican!

mrpuma2u May 27, 2011 at 4:13 pm

Can we compost this guy instead? He doesn't seem to be worth much more than fertilizer to me. That will cut down on quite a bit of CO2 emissions.

mayor_quimby May 28, 2011 at 1:19 am

I think the correct stupid answer is from Eature above. dump the trees in empty coal mines, seal them, set them on fire, then in 500 years, you have a huge supply of charcoal to cook your squirrel bbq. Because that will be the only food, and the only fuel left by then.
So where's my Nobel Prize for preserving humanity?

tessiee May 29, 2011 at 1:41 pm

I think Centralia, PA already tried that.

zhubajie May 28, 2011 at 7:16 pm

They'll be sold for private profit, of course.

ifthethunderdontgetya May 27, 2011 at 2:51 pm

Dana Rohrabacher was sick of everyone calling Senator Jim Inhofe (R-Exxon) "the smart one".
~

el_donaldo May 27, 2011 at 2:54 pm

In Rohrabacher's defense, the Lorax is shrill.

HedonismBot May 27, 2011 at 2:54 pm

Rohrbacher then propsed massive federal layoffs to combat rising unemployment.

petehammer May 27, 2011 at 3:32 pm

"It'll stimulate the economy because think of all the people we'll have to hire back!"

real_dc_native May 27, 2011 at 4:32 pm

Yep – that seems to be their plan and I'm not even snarking.

chascates May 27, 2011 at 2:54 pm

“Or would people be supportive of euthanizing older politicians in order to elect younger college students as a means to prevent this disaster from happening?” he continued.

Chillwaver May 27, 2011 at 2:56 pm

Today's Battle: Climate Change Deniers vs Pedophile Priests.

Who wins? My money is on the downfisting troll, who is probably both.

CapeClod May 27, 2011 at 3:11 pm

I would so watch that if it was an episode of "The Ultimate Warrior."

Peace in our time May 27, 2011 at 2:56 pm

Yesterday I saw a truck delivering compressed CO2 to a McDonalds restaurant. Don't we have enough of that stuff in the atmosphere that we don't have to make more of it?

OneDollarJuana May 27, 2011 at 2:59 pm

CO2? But McDonald's gives me methane (which I gleefully donate back to my family).

Cicada May 27, 2011 at 3:16 pm

Don't worry! The CO2 in compressed tanks is usually harvested from the the byproducts of other industrial processes, like large-scale fermentation. CO2 is so abundant, it would be incredibly cost ineffective to try to synthesize it.

HempDogbane May 27, 2011 at 3:24 pm

such as from the ethanol industry, which also produces glycerin as a by-product. Astroglide, carbonated beverages and gasoline with ethanol. Tim Pawlenty will soon be coming to your state to tell the truth about these products.

HistoriCat May 27, 2011 at 3:39 pm

I never want to see "Tim Pawlenty" and "Astroglide" so close together again.

ShaveTheWhales May 28, 2011 at 10:31 pm

Well, synthesizing CO2 is pretty much "throw another log on the fire".

Mumbletypeg May 27, 2011 at 2:57 pm

Too bad he and the Lorax couldn't work from the same page; the Congressman's own name "Rohrabacher" has an almost Seuss-ian compound cadence to it, akin to the illustrator's Diffendoofer and such.

carlgt1 May 27, 2011 at 3:49 pm

"The Rohrbacher's heart shrunk three sizes that day…."

HempDogbane May 27, 2011 at 4:09 pm

Rep. Dana Diffendoofer will replace Bachmann, due to her campaign for POTUS.

baconzgood May 27, 2011 at 2:57 pm

Who does this Dana Rohrabacher represent? What idiots voted for this brain dead ass face. Cut down trees to save them?

Ken Layne May 27, 2011 at 4:26 pm

Orange County, California … obvs.

lowaltflier May 27, 2011 at 4:48 pm

He represents a part of Orange county CA. Need I say more. I almost had the bad miss fortune to live in his district. The new lines drawn after the 2000 census connected his district to the port of Long Beach. They missed me by one block.
This also eliminated Steve Horns district. Horn was a republican. But he represented his people well.
Oh for the good old days.

JoeBiteme May 27, 2011 at 5:19 pm

He represents the deep thinkers of Orange County…

littlebigdaddy May 27, 2011 at 2:58 pm

Haven't we seen this movie before? Oh, yes we have. It was called "Idiocracy."

Chillwaver May 27, 2011 at 3:15 pm

I wanna see Dana Rohrabacher in "Ow! My Balls!"

XOhioan May 27, 2011 at 2:58 pm

Huh–everybody knows trees cause global warming. Look it up on your series of tubes.

SayItWithWookies May 27, 2011 at 2:58 pm

Did Mr. Rohrbacher utter these words while eating a lunch of shark fin soup and a snow leopard sandwich?

DashboardBuddha May 27, 2011 at 3:00 pm

I thought it was grilled yeti.

neiltheblaze May 27, 2011 at 3:01 pm

Spotted Owl Souffle

Sharkey May 27, 2011 at 3:38 pm

I can hear you, you know.

[redacted]hse May 27, 2011 at 8:38 pm

May I suggest a scab sandwich and a glass of pus for the gentleman?

iburl May 28, 2011 at 2:03 pm

And a heaping hot bowl of Kung Pow Panda from Panda Express.

zhubajie May 28, 2011 at 7:18 pm

Of course not! Chinese food is unpatriotic!

tessiee May 29, 2011 at 1:45 pm

Rohrbacher should BE a snow leopard sandwich.

bumfug May 27, 2011 at 2:59 pm

Then take all the cut-down trees and use 'em to make millions of wooden butt plugs for cows to block the farts! It's genius, see!

Graham Cracker May 27, 2011 at 3:34 pm

That will work until the cows build up too much pressure… then watch out!

Ever been hit by a flying wooden butt plug?

tessiee May 29, 2011 at 1:46 pm

Kindly leave my personal life out of this.

Negropolis May 30, 2011 at 12:41 am

Damn, I thought we were talking about cowbombs.

neiltheblaze May 27, 2011 at 2:59 pm

This is what comes from learning everything you know about climate science at Liberty University.

finallyhappy May 27, 2011 at 4:29 pm

I work with someone who was wearing a Liberty U shirt- he told me it was a seminary. I wanted to tell him he is a moron- I didn't as we were both near the knife drawer.

tessiee May 29, 2011 at 1:46 pm

Are we sure it wasn't Bovine University?

PsycWench May 27, 2011 at 2:59 pm

"Republican Congressman Dana Rohrabacher is a senior member on the House Committee on Throttling Science"

fixed

Peace in our time May 27, 2011 at 3:15 pm

Auto-erotic asphyxiation?

CapeClod May 27, 2011 at 3:00 pm

And then send in Johnny Appleseed to grow new saplings.

user-of-owls May 27, 2011 at 3:08 pm

Which will be promptly chopped down by George Washington, a crime for which he duly admits his guilt.

He's coming, he's coming.

genxr May 27, 2011 at 3:00 pm

Would it help if we nuked the whales?

Peace in our time May 27, 2011 at 3:15 pm

We walrus hurt the ones we love.

SayItWithWookies May 27, 2011 at 4:51 pm

As the Beach Boys said, he's giving us ex-cetacean.

starfanglednut May 28, 2011 at 9:07 pm

Very good.

CivicHoliday May 28, 2011 at 11:16 am

Isn't the Navy already taking care of that for us?

DashboardBuddha May 28, 2011 at 12:15 pm

Nuke the gay baby whales for Jesus.

ShaveTheWhales May 28, 2011 at 10:32 pm

Hey now.

CrunchyKnee May 27, 2011 at 3:01 pm

The republicans only care for unborn trees (acorns and such).

tessiee May 29, 2011 at 1:47 pm

But not ACORN.

Negropolis May 30, 2011 at 12:42 am

Just like Republicans to only care about nuts.

fartknocker May 27, 2011 at 3:01 pm

Dana Rohrbacher fits nicely into the Noble gases column on the Periodic table. He's mentally inert, a simple asphxyiant, and like his stupidity, very abundant.

Instead of carbon sequestration, we should call it Rohrbacher sequestration. It has a very practical sound to it.

sportshort May 27, 2011 at 3:02 pm

Science is such a bore. An awfully boring chore. I don't want to hear any more. I'll just lay my head down and snore.
Facts are such troublesome things. I hate the trouble they brings. I'd rather play cowboys and kings. Or tickle my wee ding a ling.

ArmoredBore May 27, 2011 at 3:03 pm

Fuckin' rainforests! How do they work!?

Peace in our time May 27, 2011 at 3:16 pm

They don't work and pay taxes, that's why we need to get rid of them.

DahBoner May 27, 2011 at 5:49 pm

And trees don't have lobbyists…

C_R_Eature May 27, 2011 at 3:04 pm

There's such a fine line between Clever and Stupid.

Peace in our time May 27, 2011 at 3:17 pm

Rohrbacher seems to have snorted that line.

C_R_Eature May 27, 2011 at 3:21 pm

Ding!

ThundercatHo May 27, 2011 at 3:05 pm

Seriously, W. Jr. had me at "sharpish and bossy".

Ken Layne May 27, 2011 at 4:24 pm

Let's not overdo it! I suggested there was a Lorax joke in this story and "Wonkette Jr." cut and pasted a few verses from the actual Lorax book by Dr. Seuss.

So, five points for taking suggestions well, two points for execution. (Kidding! It's a great post.)

Lionel[redacted]Esq May 27, 2011 at 3:06 pm

If the trees were that important, they would have given a ton of money to the GOP like the Oil and Coal companies.

user-of-owls May 27, 2011 at 3:13 pm

Step One: Figure this whole "money growing on trees" conundrum.

Step Two: Hire Callista Louise Gingrich to lobby for us.

mrpuma2u May 27, 2011 at 7:45 pm

Downfist operatives on the loose in this tread, I just upfisted who i could but beware.

proudgrampa May 27, 2011 at 3:07 pm

Seriously. We are being punk'd here, amirite?

What qualifications, if any, are needed to sit on the House Committee on Science? A Phd in Creation Science???

We are sooooo freakin' doomed.

C_R_Eature May 27, 2011 at 3:28 pm

"Qualifications? Qualifications? We're the Republicans!
WE don't need any EESTINKING Qualifications!

Sharkey May 27, 2011 at 3:08 pm

It all makes sense now! Junior is the Once-ler!

JustPixelz May 27, 2011 at 3:08 pm

"“Or would people be supportive of cutting down older trees in order to plant younger trees as a means to prevent this disaster from happening?” [Rohrabacher] continued."

I missed something. This is a Repubican openly admitting to the reality of climate change due to greenhouse gases. Is today opposite day? Do pigs have wings now? Is the weather in Hell (Minnesota) sub-freezing?

Cicada May 27, 2011 at 3:09 pm

The obvious answer is that the Martians worship a heathen god. Easy-peasy!

BarackMyWorld May 27, 2011 at 3:10 pm
C_R_Eature May 27, 2011 at 3:13 pm

After a few episodes of this you just go numb.

Take it from me.

MaxUdargo May 27, 2011 at 3:11 pm

The eternal question arises again: are American conservatives really this stupid, or are they just being smart alecks?

The world may never know.

[redacted]hse May 27, 2011 at 8:43 pm

I wonder the same thing about Evangelical preachers and bible-thumping politicians. They must know there is no God or they wouldn't be so brazen.

tessiee May 29, 2011 at 2:02 pm

My vote goes to "they're really that stupid".

ThundercatHo May 27, 2011 at 3:12 pm

I'm truly astounded that anyone as fucking stupid as this stupid fuck is able to get dressed in the morning. let alone hold a fairly prominent position (almost called it a job). Seriously, how does this happen? Shouldn't this idiotic motherfucker be living in a group home?

finallyhappy May 27, 2011 at 4:31 pm

you would be surprised about the level of intelligence of people living in group homes compared to the people in Congress- or so it seems to me.

real_dc_native May 27, 2011 at 4:43 pm

Seems like the Capitol building is a group home for the impaired. At least on THAT side of the house.

Steverino247 May 27, 2011 at 4:49 pm

People who live in group homes are crazy, not stupid. Stupid and crazy? You represent a district in Orange County, California.

donner_froh May 27, 2011 at 3:12 pm

The Lorax would have squeezed Rohrbacher's head until his brains ran out of his ears but Rohrbacher doesn't have any brains so it wouldn't have made him and smarter.

OneYieldRegular May 27, 2011 at 3:12 pm

http://www.guardian.co.uk/world/2011/may/24/amazo

What's Mr. Sensitive going to do next? Sign a petition to have Gabby Giffords recalled?

littlebigdaddy May 27, 2011 at 3:14 pm

See, the thing is howler monkeys. Those motherf*ckers fart up a storm all the time. So if you get rid of the rain forest, you get rid of those bastards too, and I say good riddance to those shit-hurlers.

user-of-owls May 27, 2011 at 3:24 pm

No shit.

W. Junior's got her panties in a twist over robots taking over the world. Fuck that, it's the fucking monkeys that scare the shit out of me!

Graham Cracker May 27, 2011 at 3:44 pm

Let's see… howling, farting and throwing shit around, and not having much of a brain. Just like an…
Oh, I don't know…

a Republican Congressman.

twoeightnine May 27, 2011 at 3:15 pm

I suggest, in order to stop Republicans from fucking young studs on the downlow we allow all Republicans to fuck all young studs on the downlow right this minute.

Come here a minute May 27, 2011 at 3:16 pm

Grickle grass is a weed — pave it over and put up a parking lot.

real_dc_native May 27, 2011 at 4:47 pm

We won't know what we've got 'til it's gone.
Cut down the trees and put up a parking lot.

Come here a minute May 27, 2011 at 5:58 pm

Oooooooh — bop, bop, bop, bop

Nothingisamiss May 27, 2011 at 3:19 pm

"Idiocracy," a documentary I loved.

BZ1 May 27, 2011 at 3:19 pm

The Big-bang theory: when facts collide with beliefs

Sue4466 May 27, 2011 at 3:21 pm

Who said the GOP is anti-science?!

KeepFnThatChicken May 27, 2011 at 3:21 pm

The House Committee on Science
is not as Committed to Science
as we now know.

fuflans May 27, 2011 at 3:24 pm

Then dana said “global warming’s a scourge,
But the republican answer soon will emerge!”
He said “cut the trees sir, cut them all, every one!
The shortest and tallest and oldest (for fun!)
No ash shall be spared!
No rowan exempt!”
(And this is why dana gets loads of contempt)

Trinket May 27, 2011 at 3:24 pm

Oh. Yes, of course! It's the TREES that are ruining the planet! How did we not notice that before now?

Jesus fucking christ.

nappyduggs May 27, 2011 at 3:27 pm

An extant variation on this theme has the vast majority of Republican men doing their bit for population control by just never engaging in any sort of vaginal intercourse.

Thank you Wonkette Jr. for the Lorax reference. It's my older kids favorite Dr. Seuss book, and though he would never admit to it now that he's a little man, he used to cry because all of the trees went away.

AJW@[redacted] May 27, 2011 at 3:45 pm

I would suggest they insert their peens into the knotholes of the trees before bulldozing said trees.

user-of-owls May 27, 2011 at 3:27 pm

Hey gang, a little help? I'm zeroed out on page one, in a reply on my original "Paul Bunyan" thread. Hep me, hep me!

Chet Kincaid May 28, 2011 at 5:17 pm

No panhandling!

tessiee May 29, 2011 at 2:04 pm

I upfisted you just for the "Blazing Saddles" reference.

PostApocalypse May 27, 2011 at 3:28 pm

… don't worry, that vexing question will disappear soon enough.

mavenmaven May 27, 2011 at 3:31 pm

Saw, baby, saw!

AJW@[redacted] May 27, 2011 at 3:33 pm

I plumbed mine for Brawndo. Because it's got electrolytes.

DashboardBuddha May 27, 2011 at 3:39 pm

But what are electrolytes?

mayor_quimby May 28, 2011 at 2:29 am

What are you, some kind of queer? I forget the line from the movie exactly.

DashboardBuddha May 28, 2011 at 12:16 pm

sigh – electrolytes are what plants crave.

mayor_quimby May 28, 2011 at 1:39 pm

My bad, I was remembering the part where they said he talked like a fag for using normal sentences.

emmelemm May 27, 2011 at 3:34 pm

Wonkette Jr., I am officially in love with you for the little Seuss picture. May your reign at Wonkette be long and storied.

real_dc_native May 27, 2011 at 4:50 pm

Don't you mean long and sordid? That's how my time as a Wonketteer has been.

emmelemm May 27, 2011 at 3:35 pm

Kill you 2 save you. YAY!

anniegetyerfun May 27, 2011 at 3:39 pm

I just assumed that this was some sort of metaphor for ending Medicare. The olds, they will die, and the young ones will replace them. Who could not be in favor of killing old things?

loulouroo May 27, 2011 at 3:58 pm

When did Insane Clown Posse take over Wonkette??

DaRooster May 27, 2011 at 3:58 pm

Just fire up the Death Panels and we won't need as much of this oxygen stuff…

HogeyeGrex May 27, 2011 at 4:01 pm

Wait!?!? I thought Dougie Feith was the dumbest fucking guy on the planet.

My world is shattered!

Ancient_Hacker May 27, 2011 at 4:05 pm

Hate to tell you folks, but they're halfway right– If you cut down trees, and store the wood in a cave, that carbon won't go back into the atmosphere.

So they're a bit more correct than Dan Quayle was while on that Space Advisory board..

Not a high bar to surmount :)

charitablearm May 27, 2011 at 4:55 pm

Uhh, they are zero percent right unless you seal off the cave so gas can't escape. Also because trees that are alive are NOT DECAYING.

Buckminster May 27, 2011 at 4:08 pm

D'ya think these idiots ever check a single fact before spouting their ignorant, uneducated opinions?

Nope, I don't think so. If they did, they would be ashamed of themselves.

genxr May 27, 2011 at 4:10 pm

Fucking Saruman was a pussy. Republicans will send in Seal Team Six to get Treebeard personally.

mrpuma2u May 27, 2011 at 4:26 pm

Yeah Saruman had some flame shooting crap near his tower, but Delta Force has that shit in backpacks. Treebeard does look a lot like Oscumma bin loser.

But seriously, this guy again is a good argument for atheism. Verily, any just gawd would cause a tree to fall on him and leave him a brain dead vegetable, where his greedy, inheritance seeking children would have the plug pulled to get his $$$. That is how the story would end if i wrote it.

Rotundo_ May 27, 2011 at 4:38 pm

Republican science? Izzat one of those oxymoron things like military intelligence or jumbo shrimp? I thought they were kind of stuck in the pre-renaissance scientific model anyhow. Oh well, I'm sure that they have no problems with the mental gymnastics involved to believe their shit, it is amazing what you'll believe for a few bucks.

Native_of_SL_UT May 27, 2011 at 4:45 pm

1. Greenhouse gasses cause global warming.
2. Trees and plants grow in greenhouses.
3. Trees and plants cause global warming.
4. Kill the trees to prevent global warming.
Problem solved!

the_onceler May 27, 2011 at 4:53 pm

That Congressman is more a onceler than the lorax. The lorax is a tree-hugger!

VinnyThePooh May 27, 2011 at 5:22 pm

Good bye Field & Stream. Hello Parking Lot & Culvert.

di_da_is_alpha May 27, 2011 at 5:30 pm

I wonder why Chicken Little Climate Fear Monger Michael Specter didn't have a chapter on AGW in his book, 'Denialism'? You'd think that he would use that as the 'climactic' chapter, yet ……… other than asserting AGW as being fact in the introduction and lamenting that he didn't include it in the book in his afterward, nothing. Zip. Zero. Nada.

It couldn't possibly be that AGW is a marxist tool used by other marxist tools to attack capitalism, and any 'facts' he provided would have been proven false, could it? I'll give you idiots this much; if the congressman has been quoted accurately and in context, he sure doesn't help my side.

SorosBot May 27, 2011 at 8:01 pm

I hate to break it to you, but no matter how much you believe the world is flat won't make it any less round. Global warming is proven fact happening right now, and anyone who claims otherwise is a moron and a tool of the energy industry.

di_da_is_alpha May 28, 2011 at 12:14 am

Who said the world is flat, insect? Damn you're a pathetic piece of shit. If you use any energy, you're a hypocritical piece of shit, too. Now answer the question, why didn't Specter include a chapter on AGW? He's one of yours, you know. Ya know what? Don't bother answering the question, you're a proven liar, and I'm done with this cesspool website for awhile, anyway. See ya, insec….. I mean 'my wonkette brother.' : )

SorosBot May 28, 2011 at 12:35 am

Ha ha. You just called me a liar, right after denying the proven fact of global warming? Good one. Tell me, if global warming doesn't exist, why does every single climate scientist agree that it's real? And if it's a conspiracy, then what is the motive? The motive of the denialists is clear, switching to cleaner energy would hurt the profits of oil companies; yet I have never heard a plausible reason why any scientist would make up global warming if it didn't exist.

But then, you have actually supported creationism / "intelligent design", so everything you say has nothing to do with the real world.

tessiee May 29, 2011 at 2:06 pm

"I'm done with this cesspool website for awhile"

Tr: "you can't fire me; I quit!"

easynewz May 27, 2011 at 5:40 pm

We had to destroy the forest in order to save it.

DahBoner May 27, 2011 at 6:00 pm

Agent Orange?

easynewz May 28, 2011 at 11:16 am

Or Napalm.

easynewz May 27, 2011 at 5:47 pm

Today you are you
that is truer than true.
There is no one alive
who is dumber than you.

DahBoner May 27, 2011 at 5:50 pm

Stop a fight by hitting everyone in the jaw…

DahBoner May 27, 2011 at 5:51 pm

Did a tree ever give you a job?

DahBoner May 27, 2011 at 5:59 pm

"75% of CO2 emissions come from soil."

His Global Warming Denial conspiracy soiled again!!!

MinAgain May 27, 2011 at 6:03 pm

One fish.
Two fish.
Red fish.
Blue fish.
Then the red fish suggested draining the oceans in an attempt to control catastrophic weather conditions resulting from climate change, and the blue fish ate him. The end.

Sheesko May 27, 2011 at 6:19 pm

Dana Baby sez oh no it ain't so! Also spracht his latest presser:
http://rohrabacher.house.gov/News/DocumentSingle….

Anybody got the transcript yet? Because the statement doesn't make it clear that what he *does* claim to have said is any smarter than what we're saying he did.

HedonismBot May 28, 2011 at 1:45 pm

"Trees are emitting 90 % of CO2 emissions. But CO2 isn't causing global warming, I'm not saying we should cut down the trees to stop the emissions, but we should cut down the trees to stop the emissions, which aren't really causing anything. Jesus derpderp freedom derp."
That's what I got out of it. But I'm not a deep thinker on the level of Dana Rohrbacher. Hey, he's just asking questions, dude.

AFKensington May 28, 2011 at 12:07 am

This article is win. This Wonkette Jr should stick around.

Negropolis May 28, 2011 at 1:59 am

America, this is why we can't have nice things. This is why we have to have our mittens pinned to our coat during nuclear winter, and why we have to wear our helmets during Arab spring.

And then Dana Rohrabacher had the Lorax charged with Patriot Act violations/Environmentalist Terrorism. And a few decades later, the Lorax died in his aluminum cell at Guantanamo Bay, his little head resting in the lap of Bradley Manning.

Wonkette, Jr. (w/cheese), you are winning the future. Keep up the great work.

Negropolis May 29, 2011 at 7:44 am

Actually, sometimes we do receive nice things, but we're not allowed to take them out of the package. You know, like an old person's living room that's anything but lived in covered with plastic and/or tarps.

Negropolis May 28, 2011 at 2:18 am

You guys, this is huge. We have a Republican addressing climate change as a legitimate issue.

gullywompr May 28, 2011 at 3:21 am

UNLESS.

CivicHoliday May 28, 2011 at 11:22 am

“Is there some thought being given to subsidizing the ABORTING OF UNWANTED CHILDREN in order for some countries to eliminate that production of greenhouse gases?…Or would people be supportive of CULLING OLDER PEOPLE in order to MAKE ROOM FOR YOUNGER, MORE PRODUCTIVE MEMBERS OF SOCIETY as a means to prevent this disaster from happening?”

/FIXED

(funny how understanding the difference between photosynthesis and cellular respiration turned him from a Tea Party darling into a NOW activist)

zhubajie May 28, 2011 at 7:12 pm

Well, Reagan said trees cause air pollution, so it must be TRUE!

Beck_is_Trig May 28, 2011 at 8:02 pm

Jesus…Dana Rohrbacher is like Palin dumb. I mean, we get doses of her quite often so Joe Barton and Dana Rohrbacher amongst other male bimbo Republicans tends to go unnoticed. But this guy has a body of work that ranks him amongst the just flat out dumbest GOP congressman. This isn't his first trip to the stupid rodeo, either. Wonkette NEEDS to pick on Western dumbass Republicans more often…Joe Barton and Jan Brewer are far from the worst, trust me. I've said this before and I'll say it again…David Wu, one of our Oregon reps may be kind of deranged and probably should seek help…but this is sober and 'sane' Dana Rohrbacher…just process that one.

thetimchannel May 29, 2011 at 8:35 am

Whatever they replace the trees with is ok by me, so long as it's got electrolytes.
Enjoy.

redamanda May 29, 2011 at 9:11 am

But that CO2 and O2 stuff isn't in the bible so it can't be true like that big flood and jeebus.

tessiee May 29, 2011 at 12:58 pm

Since I've been known to hit the sales and outlet stores, and then be all pleased about how much money I "saved", I really should shut right up.

Nahhhhhh.

tessiee May 29, 2011 at 1:23 pm

And by "Paul Bunyan", we mean "Halliburton".

tessiee May 29, 2011 at 2:08 pm

Of course, we all know who the REAL victim is here.

soniasy1800 May 30, 2011 at 11:23 pm

We're the man and woman of world, we are the one who care of it. Global warming and climate change affects our lives such pollution, flash-floods and any disasters. How if we? we can do planting trees, roots of its and absorb water to prevent those disasters.

Sonia Aguila http://www.leimo.biz

lulzmonger May 31, 2011 at 5:33 am

Zombie Reagan bullshit is made of bullshit & Zombie.

Dana Rohrabacher needs an Alzheimer's test ASAP.

Also too: grickle-grass FTW!

OneDollarJuana May 27, 2011 at 3:03 pm

SF porn used to be Carol Doda, "Two of San Francisco's three most famous landmarks."

PostApocalypse May 27, 2011 at 3:23 pm

Man that's old stuff… now we've taken the Armory and turned it into a porn dungeon:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/San_Francisco_Armory

…make love not war, maaaaannnnnn!

finallyhappy May 27, 2011 at 4:25 pm

You must be one of the older Wonketteers like me- if you remember Carol Doda.

ShaveTheWhales May 28, 2011 at 9:55 pm

Both of them, Katie.

Biel_ze_Bubba May 29, 2011 at 12:05 am

Ah yes .. SF's other Twin Peaks. Before there was silcone, there was Carol Doda. That's how old we are!

tessiee May 29, 2011 at 12:52 pm

"Before there was silcone, there was Carol Doda"

???

I thought those tig ol' bitties of hers *were* silicone?

tessiee May 29, 2011 at 1:44 pm

"Why are you reading words? Are you a faggot?"

I know that movie is supposed to be funny in a dark way, and I do like Guitar Army, but the first time I heard that line, it actually made my heart hurt.

Biel_ze_Bubba May 31, 2011 at 6:10 pm

She did get the "bigger living through chemistry" treatment, but that came later in her career.

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