Fun webzine NewsMax mostly sends the Wonkette tips line weird spam about timeshares and sex pills, but it also posts lots of made-up news about middle-aged pinups Sarah Palin and Michele Bachmann. Apparently, there can be only one sexy grandma in the Republican Party — it’s kind of just for old white dudes who completely plan to become rich someday soon, somehow — so the thought of Sarah Palin renting a tour bus in D.C. while Michele Bachmann plans to visit her mythological birthplace beneath a soybean silo in Iowa, well that’s just too much. Will they collide? And then grunt “Reagan” to each other, while tenderly rubbing Mazola on their liver spots?
There’s certainly something to be said for Republican geezers using their sexytime thoughts on people who are somewhere in their general age group, and it’s always a relief to hear about old right-winger fellows doing the hubba-hubba about a lady rather than “needy boys who have family issues.” But can we be forgiven (no) for thinking maybe it would be nice if a popular Republican lady politician was known for something beyond ejecting babies from her hips, having big hair and being a laughably dumb bigot? [NewsMax]
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Grifter v. Bat-Shit Crazy: As wearing as a Republican's morning jacket…
PILLOW FIGHT!!!!!!!
"Why don't you two fight over me and I'll stand over here and take pictures?"
Mooselini collides with Crazy Eyes…. and there's Santorum all over the highway!
And there was BS, BS, over Thunder Road
Drivin' was his livin' and white racists were his load
And there were bimbos, bimbos, to quench the Devil's thirst.
The law they swore they'd get 'em but the Wonkette got 'em first.
"If Bachmann and Palin get in, that's two bimbos. And there there's Mitt Romney, the millionaire and Newt Gingrich, a professor. We just need a skipper and a buddy and we've got 'Gilligan's Island.'" —Bill Maher
So who plays Mrs. Howl?
All of them, Katie.
Any Alaskan wolf bitch that Mooselini hasn't shot from a helicopter yet.
Are you suggesting that Lindsay Graham run?!
Well, T – Paw is a ringer for Gilligan. But for the skipper…hmmm, that could be hard since this train wreck that is the GOP field of 2012 appears ready to sail far, far away, never to be heard from again. Or so I hope.
Oh, Newt is the Skipper! Hell, Gingrich and Alan Hale look like twins separated at birth!
NEWT is fat enough.
For some reason Huckabee keeps popping to mind for the Skipper. But that might just be because he's fat.
Chris Christie as The Skipper.
Alan Hale was heavy, Chris Christie is motherfucking disgustingly fat. Christie should be cast as the island.
Couldn't we resurrect Fred Thompson for the Skipper? And I see Barbara (Mrs. G H W) Bush as Mrs. Howel, altho not running for anything I'm sure.
I refuse to call her Lovie
Babs/Mama Griz 2012 – "ON TOP OF THE WORLD, MA!"
Herman Cain was the Skipper of S.S. Godfather, the Minnow of the pizza franchises.
Every so often, Maher makes me forgive his stupider side.
This is just masturbation material. You still dance with the one that brought you.
Mmmm. Cannibalism at its best
Bumpin' donuts.
In Palin's defense, she is also known for shooting wolves from helicopters.
I think the oldsters hope their lips & boobs are on a collision course. Forget the star bursts–that would make Rich Lowry's pants explode.
"Starting to butt heads"
"Staring two butt-heads"
(FIXED)
Win
Then who's Bevis? Ron Paul?
Fucking happy there has never been two men running for president at the same time…
Hell, Deval Patrick would be a great contender for 2016 if it weren't for…you know.
Wow, I guess SpankingMyPP and AlphaDiddle really can't stand the thought of another nigra from Chicago running for President!
But I'm putting down a marker now for the inevitably stupid Politico article that will ask in 2014, "Deval Compelling, But Does Nation Have 'Black President Fatigue'?"
If you have Ann Coulter moderating the debate, your Republican young man will spend all weekend in his room.
If you have
Ann CoulterPaul Ryan moderating the debate, your Republican young man will spend all weekend in his room.Fixed
If you have
Ann CoulterPaul RyanAaron Schock moderating the debate, your Republican young man will spend all weekend in his room.More fixed.
If you have
Ann Coulter Paul RyanAaron Schock moderating the debate, your Republican young man will spend all weekend in his room with a keg of Jurgens and a stack of towels.Fixedest.
Twirling the cylinder of his revolver wondering why he feels so ashamed when he looks at Mitt Romney.
Or that other one, the one Ed Schultz called a word-slut the other day.
The one who really is a female.
So, not Ann Coulter, then.
"your Republican young man will spend all weekend in his room"
And this is different from every other weekend — how?
"Let the scissoring begin!"
– Koch Bros.
"Gotta be careful with scissors"
Butters from Southpark
Will they collide?
Will Bachmann Be Nailin' Palin?
Bachmann turn'er over, drive!
Drill, baby, drill.
i will quit drinking if this happens.
oh wait. no i won't.
Sir or Madam –
I do not ever want to hear "quit" and "drinking" in the same sentence, ever, again! Understood?
Love,
proudgrampa
I don't drink any more…I don't drink any less either.
Pretty sure I will be drinking more.
I'll start drinking earlier in the day if this happens.
I can only hope that when they collide they are both driving nitroglycerin trucks.
Another world class train wreck.
"Why else would a grown man be playing with model trains, except to blow them up?" I always thought Gomez was a Republican.
Take that back!
Isn't it time to declare peace and deactivate those old SAM [Sarah And Michele] missiles once and for all?
Ah, the Large Hairdo Collider, attempting to discover which of the two is more dense.
So funny! So upfistable!
What about the Large Redneck Hardon Collider? It's obviously affected by the vapid Bumpitsphere.
They both are indeed Quantum Contradictions…extremely dense and yet full of hot air simultaneously…
Damn you! Beat me by one minute.
You're going on the list…
If they run against each other it might be a case of Schrodinger's Catfight.
WIN
Appropriate, since all the Palin baby names could be new sub-atomic particles. Ridiculous sub-atomic particles.
I can see it now…Gluon Palin, Up/Down/Charm/Strange Quark Palin, Higgs Boson Palin, and the list goes on. It's scary how these sound like perfect names for future Palin children.
The LHC deserves immortality. Is there a Wonkette Hall of Fame? 'Cause, fuck.
I could speak of quantum white holes, or the Bozo Piggs, or how they'll fight over which one gets to be the superpartner, but these are merely derivative nerd jokes.
All praise to the Large Hairdo Collider.
"I could speak of quantum white holes, or the Bozo Piggs, or how they'll fight over which one gets to be the superpartner, but these are merely derivative nerd jokes"
There really is something in science called the Bozo Piggs?
The things I miss being a Book Geek.
Sorry, really late.
There is a thing (maybe) called the Higgs Boson.
Not my best pun.
The stupidity explosion after these two collided would make the Tōhoku earthquake seem minor in comparison.
And the sub-atomic particles released would be about the size of the average Republican brain.
…can we be forgiven (no) for thinking maybe it would be nice if a popular Republican lady politician was known for something beyond ejecting babies from her hips, having big hair and being a laughably dumb bigot?
Millicent Fenwick is rolling over in her grave…
Although, to be strictly accurate, she was best known for smoking a pipe.
(oh, I didn't mean it THAT way, you buncha pervs!)
Me-ouch! Cat Fight!
Palin/Bachmann 2012
Bachmann/Palin 2012
oh, fuckit, the order doesn't matter!
Batshit/Crazy 2012
Someone call up CERN and ask what happens when two supercharged morons collide.
The end of the republican party?
If they collide fast enough the remains might get so dense as to form a black hole of stupidity.
You're telling me Bachmannnn and Palin could be denser than they already are?
p.s. Now that I think about it, a collision between the two could only result in a lot of anti-matter, in that neither of them actually matter in any meaningful sense of the word.
They are already black holes. Information goes in, but never comes out. They shed no light. As you approach them, time seems to stretch to infinity. They leave destruction in their wakes. And as in most of the universe, they are at the centers of small Republican galaxies.
Starbursts!
Can we get them to make a movie?
"Atlas Shrieked"?
"Atlas Squirmished"?
(I need to refresh the screen more often)
i FORGOT about squirmish.
i LOVED squirmish.
Nailin' Palin 2 starring Michele "Bare" Backmann.
A remake of the last minute of Thelma & Louise?
Two Easy Pieces?
Bachman Grifter Overdrive?
Preferably a snuff film.
They're just two needy girls with family issues.
Needs more illegitimate grandchildren.
Didn't take long for the meme to arrive here. Good work!
Does that mean the Kochs are secretly the Bang Bros.?
That movie would suck.
Will they collide? And then grunt “Reagan” to each other, while tenderly rubbing Mazola on their liver spots?
Which one dons the strap on when they're done with the Mazola? My money's on Bachmann since she's already used to doing it at home with the hubby.
Hahaha! This made me laugh out loud, because she is totally doing that.
What, you're implying that Silly Sarah doesn't give Tawwwd a good all-American peggin'?
By golly, she does! You betcha! *wink*
If two masses of stupidity and craziness like this collide, will anything be able to escape the black hole of insanity that will be formed?
Nothing will escape, remember Newt's Third Law of Morons:
For every moron there is an equal and opposite oxymoron.
This is a question only Hawking can answer.
Better check w/ tech support.
It just may be the event horizon of the wingularity.
I honestly wish I had thought of that one myself.
Turning and turning in the widening gyre
The falcon cannot hear the falconer;
Things fall apart; the centre cannot hold;
Mere anarchy is loosed upon the world,
The blood-dimmed tide is loosed, and everywhere
The ceremony of innocence is drowned;
The best lack all conviction, while the worst
Are full of passionate intensity.
The best lack all conviction, while the worst
Are full of passionate intensity
Kind of sums up our times too, doesn't it.
That's why the Blood-Dimmed Tide lost the BCS title game on a fumble. The got-danged Center cannot hold!!
It's like the old SNL Super Fans question about what would happen if Da Bulls ever played against Da Bears:
Bob Swerski: Alright, contestants, here we go. The Final Quiz Masters question is: "Bears vs. Bulls."
"The senseless waste of pitting these two mighty forces of nature against each other, like matter vs. anti-matter, will be a tragedy, not only for the teams involved.." [ flips card over ] "..but for our planet. All nations must band together, to ensure that such a conflageration never takes place."
Also, I love how the article talks about how "sparks will fly" if these two women run. I guess when men compete against each other, they play by Marquess of Queensberry rules.
(That is, unless the sparks to which they are referring are coming from the trousers of the old men who will watch the debates, hoping for a mudwrestling show…)
I think it's a typo. It should read: "Sporks will fly"
"trousers of the old men"
Large Hard-on Collider?
Too ghey.
I hope if these potential candidates debate, they do it in a forum appropriate to their speaking abilities and intellectual heft. I'm thinking Jerry Springer.
If they're both in the next debate Newt Gingrich's opening comments will be:
"I'm here to clean the pool."
And Herman Cain is delivering a hot, sausage pizza.
If Huckabee was a real patriot he'd jump in to provide a humpin' bass line.
bomm-chicka-bomm-chicka-bowmmp!
Him and Ted jammin to "Cat Scratch Fever"!!!
"Hey lady did you order a pepperoni pizza? Well here's the pizza and here's the pepperoni!" [ziiiiiiiip]
"Margaret, look, look, that looks like your grandfather eating ice cream!"
Mitt will strap on his rubber gloves again.
Their Gene Pool? Wouldn't Newt make it worse?
Lets settle this the old fashioned way. Neked Jello wrestling. I think one look at these decaying bimbos in the buff and America would finally turn its eyes away in disgust.
They're both crazy and stupid, but Palin is a bit more stupid than crazy, while Bachmann is a bit more crazy than stupid. So the teabaggers will have to choose between their love of fellow morons and the batshit insane.
In unison: "YOU COMPLETE ME!!!!!!"
Sadly, neither of them is really stupid or really crazy. They're both natural grifters whose chances have blossomed because of the Republican Party's desperate need to have some female presence.
Dingfuck FUCKHEAD Bachmann won't even feel it when Trig's pretend mom bashes her over that empty skull with an antique King James, and then the bras come off, everyone fucking pukes up their breakfast, the end.
"Will they collide? And then grunt “Reagan” to each other, while tenderly rubbing Mazola on their liver spots? "
This settles it. Drop the alias, Wonkette Jr, you're a keeper.
I see so many resonances…the vivid disgust of Benincasa, the dissapointed innocence of Waggaman, the Onion-strong pungency of Stuef…is Jr. the product of some horrible genetic experiment of Layne's?! The Human Wonkipede?!
I guess we'll find the answer to that age old question of what will happen when immovable ignorance meets unstoppable stupidity.
Very much like when Reagan answered George Carlin's question: What happens when a really stupid person goes senile?
I would like to see their buses on a collision course. OK, not really; I'd like to see one of them get the nomination so Obama can have a 63%-37% blowout reelection.
"Will they collide?"
Oh lord. Republicans, shore up your impending losses. It's all over but the floutin'.
"Will they collide?" It'll be like the meeting of Gozor and Zuul. With Newt playing the Stay-Puft Marshmallow Man.
Mazola for liver spots? HMMMM! Okay. Thanks JR.
Needs mor mazola, crisco also
The irresistible farce meets the immovable oddball
Two girls, one primary…
"What is it really when they're fallin over
Everything that you thought is denied
I'm gonna be the one that's takin over
Now this is what it's like when
worldsdolts collide"Wait until Patti Davis enters the race with her "Hot Daughters Of Reagan" calendar.
According to the Science Channel, when matter and anti-matter collide, total annihilation occurs. Now, what happens when "doesn't matter" collides with "who gives a sweet shit" is anybody's guess.
The reaction creates a new subatomic particle, the Moron.
Met, you're almost up to minus double digits. Keep goin' !!!
I'm kinda with Callyson on the idea that two women can't be in the same presidential race. It is sexist. But, Jesus on a popsicle stick, why does it have to be these two women? Aren't there some intelligent Republican women of accomplishment? Or are the right-wing fan boys so shallow they will only follow reasonably attractive middle-aged ladies? Oh, wait. I just answered my own question.
Actually, Dr. Laura seems to be very intelligent, has been pretty successful, and is to the right of Attila the Hun. But Republican men are terrified of women like her (i.e., having brains) so she will never go anywhere politically.
Putting an intelligent woman in front of Republicans is like showing a cross to a vampire.
Tits or GTFO!… there I said it
If I could only channel fourth such fonts of wisdom…
I have a feeling you don't really want to see *those* tits.
I'd be happy to watch this collision, but please, please, don't make me LISTEN to their harpy screechings…
i think it would be good sped up with the benny hill music over it.
yakkety baggers?
Yakkety skanks.
Editing in a Yoko Ono soundtrack would make it much more relaxing.
Oh–c'mon.. You know they're going to end up being the best of friends!
Nails/Chalkboard 2012
Can hardly wait for the mud-wrestling contest!
That will be at the Iowa state fair.
(only they use pig manure for the mud)
Completely apropos.
They should settle it via wet T-shirt contest.
Waterboarding tends to get the entire upper torso wet. Jes sayin…..
Isn't Grandma supposed to be making pickles and Thanksgiving dinner and not running around tweeting nonsense and shooting Mooseburgers from submarines?
Hmm, decisions, decisions….
…and their camps are starting to butt heads, Politico reports.
…and their camps are starting two buttheads…
/fixed
Doh! Baconzgood beat me to it….
At the next Repubican debate there could be a lot of boobs on stage. A lot.
That would make it a DDebate.
Each one is a three-fer.
And a couple of stupid women. Also.
I always forget, which one has more street cred?
Why does this make me hot for some reason? Am I mentally ill?
No. Just Republican.
And the difference is…
Talk about a straight line…
And then grunt “Reagan” to each other, while tenderly rubbing Mazola on their liver spots?
Mazola? Does that work? And do you have to chant, "Reagan," or can you skip that part?
I'm waiting for the shower scene before I decide who to vote for.
That would be golden!
Who's stabbing who?
I could see this as a pulp fiction kind of thing, with soaping of breasts then some stabbing. God how excellent would it be to see them slash each other up?
Yetch!
Sarah Palin
v
Michele Bachmann
"Get Off The Cross, We Could Use The Wood"
http://www.freakingnews.com/Get-Off-The-Cross-We-…
If that's what Palin's actual body looked like I could consider that a reason for her existence. But sadly no. Granny doesn't look like that.
WTFFF???
Somebody photoshopped that Palin bitch's head onto my body!!
Thas hawt~!
Fraudzilla Vs. The Tea Monster
That cracked me up.
With the same sound effects of metallic screeching a la Gamera.
Worst Lesbian Slash Fic… ever.
Even worse than Lesbian Vampire Killers? Actually, it's not a bad flick; pretty funny.
This post is nearly perfect. Well-done, Jr.
The linked "needy boys who have family issues" article doesn't appear on my main Wonkette page, just as a link from this article. Anyone else have this problem?
White cotton crotchless-panty tickle fight is so much more appealing to the men.
White cotton crotchless panty tickle fight covered in Mazola oil is so much more appealing to the men.
This, of course, would make for an outstanding reality show: Two Crazy Cunts. OK, maybe we could tone down the title a little bit. How about, Two Conservative Cunts
Two Cunts, One Office
Ooh. Downfisty McTroll and his friends are here in force. 'Guess they hate when we make fun of their (tarnished) idols. Upfists for all my peeps!
Picture it. Michele and Sarah colliding. The husbands are there too, jerking off. Todd, watching the girls, Marcus, watching Todd.
Nicely done, Sheriff!
But Marcus is a Christian Counselor. So you know he can't be ghey.
He volunteered to carry Todd's luggage.
Sick. Thank you.
"But can we be forgiven (no) for thinking maybe it would be nice if a popular Republican lady politician was known for something beyond ejecting babies from her hips, having big hair and being a laughably dumb bigot?"
That's not fair junior. She's also known for quitting everything she ever started halfway through and managing to turn anything that happens anywhere into a way for her to get attention and simultaneously scream about how she's the victim of the lamestream media's paying attention to her.
What a fantastic assessment. I would never have thought of Sarah's own head as her own echo chamber, but you spelled it out.
"managing to turn anything that happens anywhere into a way for her to get attention and simultaneously scream about how she's the victim of the lamestream media's paying attention to her"
This reminds me of an article in the Onion titled, "Stop Staring at My Implants!"
OK. I've been doing research on possible titles for this "match made in heaven." How about these:
"But I'm a Cheerleader."
"Kinky Boots."
"Queens."
"Domestic Partners."
"Die, Mommie, Die."
It's the pornification of America.
A political movement based around a group of old white guys fapping to an imagined Palin/Bachmann lesbo pillow fight.
That's gotta be it, cause no one in their right fucking mind can think these two will be anything but a disaster in power
Debate to be settled “Ultimate Surrender” style – the winner gets to fuck the loser with a strap-on onstage.
Oh, the race to the bottom is on.
Bottom-grabbing is one of my favorites!
dream team: Stupid and I'm with stupid…
It makes me wish they'd run Ford and Quayle in '00.
This will be bigger than when Peanut Butter collided with Fluff!
Something has to give.
Otherwise they will split the "And a Crazy Telegenic White Woman Will Lead Them" vote.
I hate to break the news, but Sarah isn't going to run. She would have to give up so much. Like being held accountable for all the crazy things she says. Actually having to do something. Having Fox pay for all of her shit. Debate with actual people face to face in an environment that she doesn't control. Learn something…
It would be both horrifying and funny, like watching Mr. Burns try to use the telephone.
A wonderful debate will follow.
Bitch! Obamacare.
Cow! Support our troops.
Duh! "Progressive"!
And then grunt “Reagan” to each other, while tenderly rubbing Mazola on their liver spots?
The force is strong with this one, Ken.
They're both MILKs: Mothers I'd Like to Kick.
Only one question remains: will they collide in a pit full of mud or Jello?
Downfisters must be used to solo, repetitive, one handed self-gratifying actions that are ultimately without meaning.
Urgh.
One Audience, One Bucket.
"Um." "Uh." You sound like like a four year old with all of your, "oh"s and "um"s at the start of a sentence. You lie, too
Where did I say I thought wonKKKette Jr is Stuef? I asked if it was a possibility, insect. I didn't state it as a fact.
Also … http://search.yahoo.com/r/_ylt=A0oGdSKXEuBN4VoAMi…
Of course, you'll come back with …. "Um, like, uh, you know, southern strategy. Um, yeah, southern strategy, what about that, huh?"
It's bullshit, dumbass. …. http://search.yahoo.com/r/_ylt=A0oGdXayE.BNz34Ag2…
The democrat party was and still is the party of slavery, they just changed their tactics.
Uh, your silly links take me to "This link is not authorized by Yahoo!". It looks like those page have been deleted – I wonder why? Coming from an overt racist and liar like you, I have no doubt it's a bunch of racist lies.
Two stupid, scolding cunts. A rarity to find that species here in god's country.
Les mots justes.
Didn't Hawk change his mind?
Emotion.
Shorter: Palin's never been friends with anyone.
Flo is a republican?
I think Sarah's crossed the line from conceit, to actual, hospitalizably nuts, megalomania.
Look at that picture if you think I'm kidding.
I'd like to collide with Palinbach…in my car, head-on, 70 MPH.
I smell an epic adventure flick: "When Twats Collide!".
No need to bring Eric Massa into this.
Ken -this Junior is a keeper. Pleeeze Dad, can we keep him?
Least appealing. Scissoring scene. EVAR.
As someone who ran for VP last time, Sarah "ETHICS CODE BUSTS = BLOOD LIBEL" Palin has raw snake-brain appeal. Bachmann's claim to fame at present is her avoiding a debate with a teenage girl, also Our Lady Of The Psychopathic Stare has nowhere near the lust for attention or media juice that Sarahcuda has.
It would be a moot catfight, anyway – there has to be a pretty heinous over/under on the GOP putting forward a successful candidate for Warlord-In-Chief without a willie.
'Cause it's ten yards if he does.
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