crash

Right Wing Website Fantasizes About Palin Colliding Into Bachmann

Which one goes under the bus?Fun webzine NewsMax mostly sends the Wonkette tips line weird spam about timeshares and sex pills, but it also posts lots of made-up news about middle-aged pinups Sarah Palin and Michele Bachmann. Apparently, there can be only one sexy grandma in the Republican Party — it’s kind of just for old white dudes who completely plan to become rich someday soon, somehow — so the thought of Sarah Palin renting a tour bus in D.C. while Michele Bachmann plans to visit her mythological birthplace beneath a soybean silo in Iowa, well that’s just too much. Will they collide? And then grunt “Reagan” to each other, while tenderly rubbing Mazola on their liver spots?

There’s certainly something to be said for Republican geezers using their sexytime thoughts on people who are somewhere in their general age group, and it’s always a relief to hear about old right-winger fellows doing the hubba-hubba about a lady rather than “needy boys who have family issues.” But can we be forgiven (no) for thinking maybe it would be nice if a popular Republican lady politician was known for something beyond ejecting babies from her hips, having big hair and being a laughably dumb bigot? [NewsMax]

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232 comments

    1. Swampgas_Man

      And there was BS, BS, over Thunder Road
      Drivin' was his livin' and white racists were his load
      And there were bimbos, bimbos, to quench the Devil's thirst.
      The law they swore they'd get 'em but the Wonkette got 'em first.

  1. Barb

    "If Bachmann and Palin get in, that's two bimbos. And there there's Mitt Romney, the millionaire and Newt Gingrich, a professor. We just need a skipper and a buddy and we've got 'Gilligan's Island.'" —Bill Maher

    1. Callyson

      Well, T – Paw is a ringer for Gilligan. But for the skipper…hmmm, that could be hard since this train wreck that is the GOP field of 2012 appears ready to sail far, far away, never to be heard from again. Or so I hope.

      1. proudgrampa

        Oh, Newt is the Skipper! Hell, Gingrich and Alan Hale look like twins separated at birth!

    2. DeeJayKitteh

      For some reason Huckabee keeps popping to mind for the Skipper. But that might just be because he's fat.

      1. chicken_thief

        Alan Hale was heavy, Chris Christie is motherfucking disgustingly fat. Christie should be cast as the island.

    3. Geminisunmars

      Couldn't we resurrect Fred Thompson for the Skipper? And I see Barbara (Mrs. G H W) Bush as Mrs. Howel, altho not running for anything I'm sure.

    4. Come here a minute

      Herman Cain was the Skipper of S.S. Godfather, the Minnow of the pizza franchises.

  2. KeepFnThatChicken

    This is just masturbation material. You still dance with the one that brought you.

  3. Texan_Bulldog

    I think the oldsters hope their lips & boobs are on a collision course. Forget the star bursts–that would make Rich Lowry's pants explode.

  4. OC_Surf_Serf

    Fucking happy there has never been two men running for president at the same time…

      1. Chet Kincaid

        Wow, I guess SpankingMyPP and AlphaDiddle really can't stand the thought of another nigra from Chicago running for President!

        But I'm putting down a marker now for the inevitably stupid Politico article that will ask in 2014, "Deval Compelling, But Does Nation Have 'Black President Fatigue'?"

    1. Lionel[redacted]Esq

      If you have Ann Coulter Paul Ryan moderating the debate, your Republican young man will spend all weekend in his room.

      Fixed

      1. PsycWench

        If you have Ann Coulter Paul Ryan Aaron Schock moderating the debate, your Republican young man will spend all weekend in his room.

        More fixed.

        1. imissopus

          If you have Ann Coulter Paul Ryan Aaron Schock moderating the debate, your Republican young man will spend all weekend in his room with a keg of Jurgens and a stack of towels.

          Fixedest.

    2. SenileAgitation

      Twirling the cylinder of his revolver wondering why he feels so ashamed when he looks at Mitt Romney.

    3. tessiee

      "your Republican young man will spend all weekend in his room"

      And this is different from every other weekend — how?

    1. proudgrampa

      Sir or Madam –

      I do not ever want to hear "quit" and "drinking" in the same sentence, ever, again! Understood?

      Love,

      proudgrampa

  5. EatsBabyDingos

    I can only hope that when they collide they are both driving nitroglycerin trucks.

      1. Geminisunmars

        "Why else would a grown man be playing with model trains, except to blow them up?" I always thought Gomez was a Republican.

  6. flamingpdog

    Isn't it time to declare peace and deactivate those old SAM [Sarah And Michele] missiles once and for all?

  7. Fukui_sanYesOta

    Ah, the Large Hairdo Collider, attempting to discover which of the two is more dense.

    1. OC_Surf_Serf

      They both are indeed Quantum Contradictions…extremely dense and yet full of hot air simultaneously…

    2. OneDollarJuana

      If they run against each other it might be a case of Schrodinger's Catfight.

      1. Negropolis

        I can see it now…Gluon Palin, Up/Down/Charm/Strange Quark Palin, Higgs Boson Palin, and the list goes on. It's scary how these sound like perfect names for future Palin children.

    3. ShaveTheWhales

      The LHC deserves immortality. Is there a Wonkette Hall of Fame? 'Cause, fuck.

      I could speak of quantum white holes, or the Bozo Piggs, or how they'll fight over which one gets to be the superpartner, but these are merely derivative nerd jokes.

      All praise to the Large Hairdo Collider.

      1. tessiee

        "I could speak of quantum white holes, or the Bozo Piggs, or how they'll fight over which one gets to be the superpartner, but these are merely derivative nerd jokes"

        There really is something in science called the Bozo Piggs?
        The things I miss being a Book Geek.

        1. ShaveTheWhales

          Sorry, really late.

          There is a thing (maybe) called the Higgs Boson.

          Not my best pun.

    1. Swampgas_Man

      And the sub-atomic particles released would be about the size of the average Republican brain.

  8. Callyson

    …can we be forgiven (no) for thinking maybe it would be nice if a popular Republican lady politician was known for something beyond ejecting babies from her hips, having big hair and being a laughably dumb bigot?
    Millicent Fenwick is rolling over in her grave…

    1. tessiee

      Although, to be strictly accurate, she was best known for smoking a pipe.

      (oh, I didn't mean it THAT way, you buncha pervs!)

  9. Sue4466

    Palin/Bachmann 2012

    Bachmann/Palin 2012

    oh, fuckit, the order doesn't matter!

    Batshit/Crazy 2012

  10. Sophist[Kochblocker]

    Someone call up CERN and ask what happens when two supercharged morons collide.

    1. SorosBot

      If they collide fast enough the remains might get so dense as to form a black hole of stupidity.

      1. Sophist[Kochblocker]

        You're telling me Bachmannnn and Palin could be denser than they already are?

        p.s. Now that I think about it, a collision between the two could only result in a lot of anti-matter, in that neither of them actually matter in any meaningful sense of the word.

      2. OneDollarJuana

        They are already black holes. Information goes in, but never comes out. They shed no light. As you approach them, time seems to stretch to infinity. They leave destruction in their wakes. And as in most of the universe, they are at the centers of small Republican galaxies.

  11. Oblios_Cap

    Will they collide? And then grunt “Reagan” to each other, while tenderly rubbing Mazola on their liver spots?

    Which one dons the strap on when they're done with the Mazola? My money's on Bachmann since she's already used to doing it at home with the hubby.

      1. tessiee

        What, you're implying that Silly Sarah doesn't give Tawwwd a good all-American peggin'?
        By golly, she does! You betcha! *wink*

  12. Lionel[redacted]Esq

    If two masses of stupidity and craziness like this collide, will anything be able to escape the black hole of insanity that will be formed?

    1. BTWBFDIMHO

      Nothing will escape, remember Newt's Third Law of Morons:

      For every moron there is an equal and opposite oxymoron.

        1. easynewz

          Turning and turning in the widening gyre
          The falcon cannot hear the falconer;
          Things fall apart; the centre cannot hold;
          Mere anarchy is loosed upon the world,
          The blood-dimmed tide is loosed, and everywhere
          The ceremony of innocence is drowned;
          The best lack all conviction, while the worst
          Are full of passionate intensity.

          1. Ducksworthy

            The best lack all conviction, while the worst
            Are full of passionate intensity

            Kind of sums up our times too, doesn't it.

    2. tessiee

      It's like the old SNL Super Fans question about what would happen if Da Bulls ever played against Da Bears:

      Bob Swerski: Alright, contestants, here we go. The Final Quiz Masters question is: "Bears vs. Bulls."
      "The senseless waste of pitting these two mighty forces of nature against each other, like matter vs. anti-matter, will be a tragedy, not only for the teams involved.." [ flips card over ] "..but for our planet. All nations must band together, to ensure that such a conflageration never takes place."

  13. Callyson

    Also, I love how the article talks about how "sparks will fly" if these two women run. I guess when men compete against each other, they play by Marquess of Queensberry rules.
    (That is, unless the sparks to which they are referring are coming from the trousers of the old men who will watch the debates, hoping for a mudwrestling show…)

  14. SayItWithWookies

    I hope if these potential candidates debate, they do it in a forum appropriate to their speaking abilities and intellectual heft. I'm thinking Jerry Springer.

  15. Badrabbit

    If they're both in the next debate Newt Gingrich's opening comments will be:

    "I'm here to clean the pool."

      1. Badrabbit

        If Huckabee was a real patriot he'd jump in to provide a humpin' bass line.

        bomm-chicka-bomm-chicka-bowmmp!

      2. easynewz

        "Hey lady did you order a pepperoni pizza? Well here's the pizza and here's the pepperoni!" [ziiiiiiiip]
        "Margaret, look, look, that looks like your grandfather eating ice cream!"

  16. Ducksworthy

    Lets settle this the old fashioned way. Neked Jello wrestling. I think one look at these decaying bimbos in the buff and America would finally turn its eyes away in disgust.

  17. SorosBot

    They're both crazy and stupid, but Palin is a bit more stupid than crazy, while Bachmann is a bit more crazy than stupid. So the teabaggers will have to choose between their love of fellow morons and the batshit insane.

    1. ShaveTheWhales

      Sadly, neither of them is really stupid or really crazy. They're both natural grifters whose chances have blossomed because of the Republican Party's desperate need to have some female presence.

  18. Golfing_OJ

    Dingfuck FUCKHEAD Bachmann won't even feel it when Trig's pretend mom bashes her over that empty skull with an antique King James, and then the bras come off, everyone fucking pukes up their breakfast, the end.

  19. Grief_Lessons

    "Will they collide? And then grunt “Reagan” to each other, while tenderly rubbing Mazola on their liver spots? "

    This settles it. Drop the alias, Wonkette Jr, you're a keeper.

    1. Chet Kincaid

      I see so many resonances…the vivid disgust of Benincasa, the dissapointed innocence of Waggaman, the Onion-strong pungency of Stuef…is Jr. the product of some horrible genetic experiment of Layne's?! The Human Wonkipede?!

  20. DeeJayKitteh

    I guess we'll find the answer to that age old question of what will happen when immovable ignorance meets unstoppable stupidity.

    1. tessiee

      Very much like when Reagan answered George Carlin's question: What happens when a really stupid person goes senile?

  21. SorosBot

    I would like to see their buses on a collision course. OK, not really; I'd like to see one of them get the nomination so Obama can have a 63%-37% blowout reelection.

  22. Mumbletypeg

    "Will they collide?"

    Oh lord. Republicans, shore up your impending losses. It's all over but the floutin'.

  23. Boredw/Gravitas

    "Will they collide?" It'll be like the meeting of Gozor and Zuul. With Newt playing the Stay-Puft Marshmallow Man.

  24. Oblios_Cap

    "What is it really when they're fallin over
    Everything that you thought is denied
    I'm gonna be the one that's takin over
    Now this is what it's like when worlds dolts collide"

  25. Troubledog

    Wait until Patti Davis enters the race with her "Hot Daughters Of Reagan" calendar.

  26. metamarcisf

    According to the Science Channel, when matter and anti-matter collide, total annihilation occurs. Now, what happens when "doesn't matter" collides with "who gives a sweet shit" is anybody's guess.

  27. bordo2

    I'm kinda with Callyson on the idea that two women can't be in the same presidential race. It is sexist. But, Jesus on a popsicle stick, why does it have to be these two women? Aren't there some intelligent Republican women of accomplishment? Or are the right-wing fan boys so shallow they will only follow reasonably attractive middle-aged ladies? Oh, wait. I just answered my own question.

    1. OneDollarJuana

      Actually, Dr. Laura seems to be very intelligent, has been pretty successful, and is to the right of Attila the Hun. But Republican men are terrified of women like her (i.e., having brains) so she will never go anywhere politically.

      1. tessiee

        Putting an intelligent woman in front of Republicans is like showing a cross to a vampire.

  28. mavenmaven

    I'd be happy to watch this collision, but please, please, don't make me LISTEN to their harpy screechings…

  29. DahBoner

    Isn't Grandma supposed to be making pickles and Thanksgiving dinner and not running around tweeting nonsense and shooting Mooseburgers from submarines?

  30. easynewz

    …and their camps are starting to butt heads, Politico reports.

    …and their camps are starting two buttheads…

    /fixed

  31. zappadoo76

    And then grunt “Reagan” to each other, while tenderly rubbing Mazola on their liver spots?

    Mazola? Does that work? And do you have to chant, "Reagan," or can you skip that part?

      1. MrFizzy

        I could see this as a pulp fiction kind of thing, with soaping of breasts then some stabbing. God how excellent would it be to see them slash each other up?

    1. Ducksworthy

      If that's what Palin's actual body looked like I could consider that a reason for her existence. But sadly no. Granny doesn't look like that.

  32. Worthly[♬♪♬♪♫♪♬]Skum

    The linked "needy boys who have family issues" article doesn't appear on my main Wonkette page, just as a link from this article. Anyone else have this problem?

  33. OneDollarJuana

    White cotton crotchless-panty tickle fight is so much more appealing to the men.

    1. PhilippePetain

      White cotton crotchless panty tickle fight covered in Mazola oil is so much more appealing to the men.

  34. RadioJr.

    This, of course, would make for an outstanding reality show: Two Crazy Cunts. OK, maybe we could tone down the title a little bit. How about, Two Conservative Cunts

  35. easynewz

    Ooh. Downfisty McTroll and his friends are here in force. 'Guess they hate when we make fun of their (tarnished) idols. Upfists for all my peeps!

  36. SheriffRoscoe

    Picture it. Michele and Sarah colliding. The husbands are there too, jerking off. Todd, watching the girls, Marcus, watching Todd.

  37. Redhead

    "But can we be forgiven (no) for thinking maybe it would be nice if a popular Republican lady politician was known for something beyond ejecting babies from her hips, having big hair and being a laughably dumb bigot?"

    That's not fair junior. She's also known for quitting everything she ever started halfway through and managing to turn anything that happens anywhere into a way for her to get attention and simultaneously scream about how she's the victim of the lamestream media's paying attention to her.

    1. KeepFnThatChicken

      What a fantastic assessment. I would never have thought of Sarah's own head as her own echo chamber, but you spelled it out.

    2. tessiee

      "managing to turn anything that happens anywhere into a way for her to get attention and simultaneously scream about how she's the victim of the lamestream media's paying attention to her"

      This reminds me of an article in the Onion titled, "Stop Staring at My Implants!"

  38. proudgrampa

    OK. I've been doing research on possible titles for this "match made in heaven." How about these:

    "But I'm a Cheerleader."
    "Kinky Boots."
    "Queens."
    "Domestic Partners."
    "Die, Mommie, Die."

  39. DaSandman

    It's the pornification of America.

    A political movement based around a group of old white guys fapping to an imagined Palin/Bachmann lesbo pillow fight.

    That's gotta be it, cause no one in their right fucking mind can think these two will be anything but a disaster in power

  40. grizzlyalbert

    Debate to be settled “Ultimate Surrender” style – the winner gets to fuck the loser with a strap-on onstage.

  41. DerrickWildcat

    I hate to break the news, but Sarah isn't going to run. She would have to give up so much. Like being held accountable for all the crazy things she says. Actually having to do something. Having Fox pay for all of her shit. Debate with actual people face to face in an environment that she doesn't control. Learn something…

    1. tessiee

      It would be both horrifying and funny, like watching Mr. Burns try to use the telephone.

  42. ShiftyParadigm

    And then grunt “Reagan” to each other, while tenderly rubbing Mazola on their liver spots?

    The force is strong with this one, Ken.

  43. C_R_Eature

    Downfisters must be used to solo, repetitive, one handed self-gratifying actions that are ultimately without meaning.

  44. di_da_is_alpha

    "Um." "Uh." You sound like like a four year old with all of your, "oh"s and "um"s at the start of a sentence. You lie, too

    Where did I say I thought wonKKKette Jr is Stuef? I asked if it was a possibility, insect. I didn't state it as a fact.

    Also … http://search.yahoo.com/r/_ylt=A0oGdSKXEuBN4VoAMi

    Of course, you'll come back with …. "Um, like, uh, you know, southern strategy. Um, yeah, southern strategy, what about that, huh?"

    It's bullshit, dumbass. …. http://search.yahoo.com/r/_ylt=A0oGdXayE.BNz34Ag2

    The democrat party was and still is the party of slavery, they just changed their tactics.

    1. SorosBot

      Uh, your silly links take me to "This link is not authorized by Yahoo!". It looks like those page have been deleted – I wonder why? Coming from an overt racist and liar like you, I have no doubt it's a bunch of racist lies.

  45. tessiee

    I think Sarah's crossed the line from conceit, to actual, hospitalizably nuts, megalomania.
    Look at that picture if you think I'm kidding.

  46. lulzmonger

    Least appealing. Scissoring scene. EVAR.

    As someone who ran for VP last time, Sarah "ETHICS CODE BUSTS = BLOOD LIBEL" Palin has raw snake-brain appeal. Bachmann's claim to fame at present is her avoiding a debate with a teenage girl, also Our Lady Of The Psychopathic Stare has nowhere near the lust for attention or media juice that Sarahcuda has.

    It would be a moot catfight, anyway – there has to be a pretty heinous over/under on the GOP putting forward a successful candidate for Warlord-In-Chief without a willie.

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