Oooo, is this Gay Day? Is it always like this around here?

Well look: Firstly, we do not really want to be in the “outing the gay people” business. But that does happen in Washington with the Republican senators and congressman every few months, so it seems we’re on that beat for the time being. Plus, this guy is a pro-torture creep who very aggressively fought against the protection of hate-crimes legislation for homosexuals attacked for being homosexuals, which happens a lot.

So, this nice man Princess Sparkle Pony who used to write for Wonkette way back when I was first learning what gay *meant*, well he has this news:

“Everyone Knows” Aaron Schock Is “Def. Gay”

We are ashamed to say we have not heard of this Rep. Aaron Schock. If you only read Wonkette, you could be forgiven for thinking the only congressperson in America is that scary witch lady, Michele Bachmann. So let’s google him. Ohhhhh, look what comes up first:

!!!I’m sorry, but that last picture *screams* gay. It is a sad fact of America 2011 that straight guys never look that good. There are lots of sexy details here: [Princess Sparkle Pony]

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  • Barb

    Yes, he is gay. Lindsey Graham said his dick tasted like shit. *poof* positive

    • Beowoof

      Well tastings after buttsecks shouldn't count.

    • Not_So_Much

      He looks like he had a thriving career as a RentBoy before congress. Definitely not a RINO — he's committed to the party values.

    • mourningnmerica

      I remember the first time I ever heard that joke, about 20 years ago. My brother told it to me on the phone, and I laughed for 20 minutes. You are a very bad girl for telling it. Remind me never to invite you to my mom's house.

      • Barb

        What the….?!? Now I am banned from Mom's house?

    • prommie

      You are my new hero.

  • Troubledog

    I won't believe it until I see the denials.

    • nounverb911

      Better get your tickets to Egypt then.

  • CrankyLttlCamperette

    Sorry, even in DC, being a Representative doesn't count as a Major League Sport…

  • iburl


  • Doktor Zoom

    But is he any good at sports?

    • Arken

      He's FABULOUS.

  • DaveJ
    • hagajim

      Screams closeted homosexual for certain. I'm surprised he isn't wearing the floppy hat!

      • DaveJ

        Uh…"closeted" is actually the last thing I think of when I see that photo!

        • finallyhappy

          Really, unless Schrock is the one in the middle – and a lesbian

    • emmelemm

      Holy Chthulu on toast! The teal belt! The white pants!!


      ETA: My eyes! My eyes!

      • Beowoof

        That outfit is just screaming for buttsecks.

      • __kth__

        If my eyes don't deceive me that shade is Schocking Blue.

        • emmelemm

          Awesome. Would fist again and again.

    • PsycWench

      That photo needs a blingee, if only to introduce Wonkette Jr. properly to the joy of blingees.

    • Tundra Grifter

      That's the worst outfit I've seen since I spotted a tourist on Market Street in a Full Cleveland.

    • mourningnmerica

      Queerest picture EVAR.

    • MozakiBlocks

      All together now…

      "I feel pretty
      Oh so pretty
      I feel pretty and witty and bright
      And I pity
      Any girl who isn't me tonight"

    • AngryGeometer

      Heterosexual men in the south actually dress like that. London, too.

      But Aaron Schock is from Illinois, so simply the fact that he's not morbidly obese and wearing a Chicago Bears jersey is probably evidence enough right there.

      • WriteyWriterton

        I would take that personally, but I'd have to stop consuming my horseshoe long enough to do it.

        (Wonketeers! See

      • prommie

        OSTENSIBLY heterosexual men in the South dress that way. Seemingly heterosexual men, men who purport to be heterosexual dress that way, in the south. But really, are they?

    • TheMeatmaker

      Bringing Bella Abzug as his date to the party is a big clue.

    • elviouslyqueer

      Good lord above. Even I don't have outfits that gay. And let's face it, I'm gayer than a Larry Craig-Lindsey Graham-Barney Frank-Mark Foley circle jerk.

    • Biel_ze_Bubba

      Christ …. where does one even FIND such clothing? I live in NYC, and I'm pretty sure I'd have to mail order that outfit — probably from a semi-creepy website.

    • prommie

      I feel safe in declaring that the gayest outfit ever in the history of the universe. Thats gayer than if he wore nothing but leather chaps and a Chipendale Dancer clamped to his back and actively penetrating his sphincter.

  • hagajim

    Schock likes cock! No surprise there.

  • Doktor Zoom

    Look, sweetie, I like a pun as much as anyone, but you can't really call it ""the Schocker" if all the fingers end up "in the stink." Yes, I still love you.

  • hmmm…always showing off those impeccable abs! Damn circuit queen!

    • Texan_Bulldog

      I'd rather see his abs than Lindsey Graham's…shudder.

      • nounverb911

        Ham biscuits?

  • PsycWench

    , this guy… very aggressively fought against the protection of hate-crimes legislation for homosexuals attacked for being homosexuals
    Well, do you need more proof, really? Paging Larry Craig!!

  • Tundra Grifter

    Today we are all Schock.

  • Ok. He is is really hot. And cute. What a crying shame. I would never vote for him, but I'd do him for sure …

    • FrenchTwist40

      Yeah, I figure my attitude towards him is about the same as his attitude toward me: I'd bang him, but then afterwards pretend I didn't know him.

  • Gopherit
    • Limeylizzie

      My best friend and I used to play this game called "Me, if I'm not careful' in which you see someone who could be you if you gained weight, dressed like an idiot etc but they have to look vaguely like you, sort of your worst nightmare, well that woman in the hat is "Me if I'm not careful".

      • mourningnmerica

        Liz, I'll have to trust you. I tried to look, but the pants were just too fuckin' bright.

      • FrenchTwist40

        Were your friend's initials CM by any chance?

        • Limeylizzie

          Oh my god..who are you? Cathy?

          • FrenchTwist40

            No, but I know Cathy quite well, and have played "Me If I'm Not Careful" with her many times! Small world, isn't it?

  • x111e7thst

    He's still gay? But I'm sure Dr Marcus Bachman cured him..

  • horsedreamer_1

    The GOP needs to spin this to their advantage. Here is how: outside Barney Frank, have the Democrats elected a gay* to Congress? No. Meanwhile, the GOP has had Steve Gunderson, Mark Foley, Larry Craig… Now, Schock. All the gays are belong to them, the Gay Old Party.

    *Tammy Baldwin excepted, as she is a woman, something for which the GOP, gay or straight, does not care a wit.

    • thebeatgoeson

      David Cicciline, who won Patrick Kennedy's vacated seat in RI, is openly gay.

    • tihond

      Herb Kohl?

    • Doktor Zoom

      Jim Kolbe, R-AZ, who held the 8th district seat before Gabby Giffords did. Pretty decent guy, and one of the few R's that I voted for more than once (Consistently pro-choice, though his vote for DOMA was a bad idea–and led to his being outed). Needless to say, he wouldn't have a chance in today's GOP.

      • horsedreamer_1

        Sarah Palin would have used a balloon-knot to target his district, rather than a bull's eye surveyor's mark.

    • Fare la Volpe

      Jared Polis (D-CO) was the first openly gay man elected to a freshman term. Frank outed himself after he was elected, but Polis was out when he was running.

      Of course, the fact that Jared is a multi-millionaire had nothing to do with his historic victory.

  • Can anyone explain this abundance of closeted gay Republicans? Is it some sort of self loathing fetish? Can we blame their parents? I mean blame them for being Republican not gay. I don't get it. It's like they want to be publicly spanked. Jesus man! Why areyou hanging out with a crowd that thinks you need a lobotomy to cure your gayness?

    • emmelemm

      SERIOUSLY. What is with these sons of bitches? I mean, if you want to "deny" your gayness and pretend to the world you're straight, well, I guess you're entitled to do that. But what is with these *clearly* gay guys, not just in U.S. Congress, but in local governments everywhere, who have atrocious records of voting against gay rights and eventually end up being outed? What could possibly be going on in their minds to be so hateful, and to actively work to marginalize a group that they, in fact, belong to??

      Ugh. Not funny. Sorry.

      • DaRooster


    • Dudleydidwrong

      Freud called it "reaction formation." I think it is just fucking hypocrisy. Maybe they're one-in-the-same. (where's that old APA manual?)

      • Boojum_Reborn

        They heard they might get attacked by some leathertrade if they were against it.

    • horsedreamer_1

      They love money. & know they won't be able to come to the fore in the money-loving party if they don't toe the rest of the party line. Is why God created Beards.*

      *The desire of a woman to be in a loveless marriage — a marriage without physical love, specifically — is hard to explain as well. Must have to allocate a lot of money to buy batteries.

  • Lionel[redacted]Esq

    But does he have a wide stance? And if a threatening Black man stood next to him in a public restroom, would he offer him $20 to blow him?

  • BaldarTFlagass

    As the guy in Layer Cake said, "Fucking females is for poofs."

  • justkillmenow

    The people of Peoria, who elected this guy, are not suprised.

  • user-of-owls

    After a considerable bout of laughter and ridicule, the brutes at Ellis Island agreed (for a sum) to change the original Old Country "C" to an "Sch."

  • Callyson

    Again, upfists for everyone to make up for DF Troll. Who, come to think of it, could probably use a good upfisting…

  • Tommmcattt

    Congressman Aaron Schock Is Gay

    Dog Bites Man.

  • Beowoof

    Gay republicans, generally hiding in the closet under some coats. However, every now and again one such as Aaron slips out in pair of white pants and a teal belt and voila the truth is out.

    • V572..whatever

      Learn something every day, and not a minute too soon! I was just about to go over to Brooks Brothers…you wonder how it plays in Peoria.

  • SheriffRoscoe

    Aaron Schock. I'd wear his ring……on my dick!

  • mourningnmerica

    I hate to say this, but my first thought was the cheap attempt at humor, …"Schock and aauuuuuggg…"

    • WriteyWriterton

      No humor's too cheap here, m. Go for it. Oh, wait, you did.

  • AnAmericanInTO

    I thought it was the Men's Health cover that gave it away.

  • What's shocking is how many wonkerati aren't pony pals, where else can you go to keep up with Condi's hairdo and matching armchair photos?

    • vulpes82

      Condi's old news! Pony Pals are all about Calista Gingrich's spherical head now.

      • While I likes me some Calista, no one can beat Condi. However i did see a return of the Giantess she could give em all a run for their money.

        • vulpes82

          Ursula definitely is still Supreme Sovereignness of the Pony Pal Nation!

  • Greater metropolitan Peoria is totally gay, folks. Caterpillar Tractor? It's like a diesel-powered antique shop. Peoria makes Provincetown look like Lubbock. Totally gay. There's no queen like a Lutheran queen, you know.

  • pinkocommi

    In a better world, people would be proud to be openly gay and in the closet with their conservatism.

    • emmelemm

      "I want to go to there."

  • fuflans

    wonkette jr you need a cocktail break.

    • berkeleyfarm

      S/he has been a busy bee today!

  • WriteyWriterton

    This wonkette, jr., him/her want job at Bizarro CNN, aka Teh Wonkette.

  • BZ1

    a great big so????

  • Low hanging fruit.

  • Badonkadonkette

    Overheard: Lindsey Graham's reaction: "I really wish I could say I'm in Schock."

  • chascates

    And Mark Kirk, senator from Illinois, is still gay.

  • Negropolis


    In other news, Osama Bin Laden is still dead.

    I guess he does play in Peoria, if you know what I mean.

  • Lionel[redacted]Esq

    Wait, today wasn't dress up like a pirate day? That is why everyone was staring at me in court.

  • teebob2000

    Yeah… and??

  • DaSandman

    Aaron is gay and yet the Republic still stands.

    We dodge another bullet.

  • elviouslyqueer

    Your move, Paul Ryan.

  • carlgt1

    haha wasn't he Meg McCain's #1 example of a hunky hetero Repug?

    • littlebigdaddy

      I'll be the first (?) to say it: Meg's a classic fag-hag.

  • neiltheblaze

    Oh for chrissake, this guy sets off my gaydar even though I have no gaydar whatsoever.

  • jus_wonderin

    He is cute. If that counts at all in politics and bathhouses.

  • DaRooster

    Naw… wait 'til September…

    They can go hand in hand.

  • littlebigdaddy

    Both my gaydar and my douchedar are erupting simultaneously.

  • Revisionist history starts with you! When teh gayz are finally granted the rights every other American has, and the notion is overwhelmingly popular and accepted, the GOP will be able to take credit for having the courage to be secretly gay, with the people, unlike those elitist dems, being all straight and giving away tax breaks to the richest 1%.

  • Aaron Schock is not gay. He's gay gay!

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