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Trusted D.C. Source Says GOP Congressman Aaron Schock Is Gay

Oooo, is this Gay Day? Is it always like this around here?

Well look: Firstly, we do not really want to be in the “outing the gay people” business. But that does happen in Washington with the Republican senators and congressman every few months, so it seems we’re on that beat for the time being. Plus, this guy is a pro-torture creep who very aggressively fought against the protection of hate-crimes legislation for homosexuals attacked for being homosexuals, which happens a lot.

So, this nice man Princess Sparkle Pony who used to write for Wonkette way back when I was first learning what gay *meant*, well he has this news:

“Everyone Knows” Aaron Schock Is “Def. Gay”

We are ashamed to say we have not heard of this Rep. Aaron Schock. If you only read Wonkette, you could be forgiven for thinking the only congressperson in America is that scary witch lady, Michele Bachmann. So let’s google him. Ohhhhh, look what comes up first:

!!!I’m sorry, but that last picture *screams* gay. It is a sad fact of America 2011 that straight guys never look that good. There are lots of sexy details here: [Princess Sparkle Pony]

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    1. Not_So_Much

      He looks like he had a thriving career as a RentBoy before congress. Definitely not a RINO — he's committed to the party values.

    2. mourningnmerica

      I remember the first time I ever heard that joke, about 20 years ago. My brother told it to me on the phone, and I laughed for 20 minutes. You are a very bad girl for telling it. Remind me never to invite you to my mom's house.

  1. CrankyLttlCamperette

    Sorry, even in DC, being a Representative doesn't count as a Major League Sport…

    1. hagajim

      Screams closeted homosexual for certain. I'm surprised he isn't wearing the floppy hat!

    2. emmelemm

      Holy Chthulu on toast! The teal belt! The white pants!!


      ETA: My eyes! My eyes!

    3. PsycWench

      That photo needs a blingee, if only to introduce Wonkette Jr. properly to the joy of blingees.

    4. Tundra Grifter

      That's the worst outfit I've seen since I spotted a tourist on Market Street in a Full Cleveland.

    5. MozakiBlocks

      All together now…

      "I feel pretty
      Oh so pretty
      I feel pretty and witty and bright
      And I pity
      Any girl who isn't me tonight"

    6. AngryGeometer

      Heterosexual men in the south actually dress like that. London, too.

      But Aaron Schock is from Illinois, so simply the fact that he's not morbidly obese and wearing a Chicago Bears jersey is probably evidence enough right there.

      1. prommie

        OSTENSIBLY heterosexual men in the South dress that way. Seemingly heterosexual men, men who purport to be heterosexual dress that way, in the south. But really, are they?

    7. elviouslyqueer

      Good lord above. Even I don't have outfits that gay. And let's face it, I'm gayer than a Larry Craig-Lindsey Graham-Barney Frank-Mark Foley circle jerk.

    8. Biel_ze_Bubba

      Christ …. where does one even FIND such clothing? I live in NYC, and I'm pretty sure I'd have to mail order that outfit — probably from a semi-creepy website.

    9. prommie

      I feel safe in declaring that the gayest outfit ever in the history of the universe. Thats gayer than if he wore nothing but leather chaps and a Chipendale Dancer clamped to his back and actively penetrating his sphincter.

  2. Doktor Zoom

    Look, sweetie, I like a pun as much as anyone, but you can't really call it ""the Schocker" if all the fingers end up "in the stink." Yes, I still love you.

  3. PsycWench

    , this guy… very aggressively fought against the protection of hate-crimes legislation for homosexuals attacked for being homosexuals
    Well, do you need more proof, really? Paging Larry Craig!!

    1. FrenchTwist40

      Yeah, I figure my attitude towards him is about the same as his attitude toward me: I'd bang him, but then afterwards pretend I didn't know him.

    1. Limeylizzie

      My best friend and I used to play this game called "Me, if I'm not careful' in which you see someone who could be you if you gained weight, dressed like an idiot etc but they have to look vaguely like you, sort of your worst nightmare, well that woman in the hat is "Me if I'm not careful".

      1. mourningnmerica

        Liz, I'll have to trust you. I tried to look, but the pants were just too fuckin' bright.

          1. FrenchTwist40

            No, but I know Cathy quite well, and have played "Me If I'm Not Careful" with her many times! Small world, isn't it?

  4. horsedreamer_1

    The GOP needs to spin this to their advantage. Here is how: outside Barney Frank, have the Democrats elected a gay* to Congress? No. Meanwhile, the GOP has had Steve Gunderson, Mark Foley, Larry Craig… Now, Schock. All the gays are belong to them, the Gay Old Party.

    *Tammy Baldwin excepted, as she is a woman, something for which the GOP, gay or straight, does not care a wit.

    1. Doktor Zoom

      Jim Kolbe, R-AZ, who held the 8th district seat before Gabby Giffords did. Pretty decent guy, and one of the few R's that I voted for more than once (Consistently pro-choice, though his vote for DOMA was a bad idea–and led to his being outed). Needless to say, he wouldn't have a chance in today's GOP.

      1. horsedreamer_1

        Sarah Palin would have used a balloon-knot to target his district, rather than a bull's eye surveyor's mark.

    2. Fare la Volpe

      Jared Polis (D-CO) was the first openly gay man elected to a freshman term. Frank outed himself after he was elected, but Polis was out when he was running.

      Of course, the fact that Jared is a multi-millionaire had nothing to do with his historic victory.

  5. Monsieur_Grumpe

    Can anyone explain this abundance of closeted gay Republicans? Is it some sort of self loathing fetish? Can we blame their parents? I mean blame them for being Republican not gay. I don't get it. It's like they want to be publicly spanked. Jesus man! Why areyou hanging out with a crowd that thinks you need a lobotomy to cure your gayness?

    1. emmelemm

      SERIOUSLY. What is with these sons of bitches? I mean, if you want to "deny" your gayness and pretend to the world you're straight, well, I guess you're entitled to do that. But what is with these *clearly* gay guys, not just in U.S. Congress, but in local governments everywhere, who have atrocious records of voting against gay rights and eventually end up being outed? What could possibly be going on in their minds to be so hateful, and to actively work to marginalize a group that they, in fact, belong to??

      Ugh. Not funny. Sorry.

    2. Dudleydidwrong

      Freud called it "reaction formation." I think it is just fucking hypocrisy. Maybe they're one-in-the-same. (where's that old APA manual?)

      1. Boojum_Reborn

        They heard they might get attacked by some leathertrade if they were against it.

    3. horsedreamer_1

      They love money. & know they won't be able to come to the fore in the money-loving party if they don't toe the rest of the party line. Is why God created Beards.*

      *The desire of a woman to be in a loveless marriage — a marriage without physical love, specifically — is hard to explain as well. Must have to allocate a lot of money to buy batteries.

  6. Lionel[redacted]Esq

    But does he have a wide stance? And if a threatening Black man stood next to him in a public restroom, would he offer him $20 to blow him?

  7. user-of-owls

    After a considerable bout of laughter and ridicule, the brutes at Ellis Island agreed (for a sum) to change the original Old Country "C" to an "Sch."

  8. Callyson

    Again, upfists for everyone to make up for DF Troll. Who, come to think of it, could probably use a good upfisting…

    1. V572..whatever

      Learn something every day, and not a minute too soon! I was just about to go over to Brooks Brothers…you wonder how it plays in Peoria.

  9. mourningnmerica

    I hate to say this, but my first thought was the cheap attempt at humor, …"Schock and aauuuuuggg…"

  10. SpurningBeer

    Greater metropolitan Peoria is totally gay, folks. Caterpillar Tractor? It's like a diesel-powered antique shop. Peoria makes Provincetown look like Lubbock. Totally gay. There's no queen like a Lutheran queen, you know.

  11. pinkocommi

    In a better world, people would be proud to be openly gay and in the closet with their conservatism.

  12. Badonkadonkette

    Overheard: Lindsey Graham's reaction: "I really wish I could say I'm in Schock."

  13. Negropolis


    In other news, Osama Bin Laden is still dead.

    I guess he does play in Peoria, if you know what I mean.

  14. Lionel[redacted]Esq

    Wait, today wasn't dress up like a pirate day? That is why everyone was staring at me in court.

  15. neiltheblaze

    Oh for chrissake, this guy sets off my gaydar even though I have no gaydar whatsoever.

  16. FadHawk

    Revisionist history starts with you! When teh gayz are finally granted the rights every other American has, and the notion is overwhelmingly popular and accepted, the GOP will be able to take credit for having the courage to be secretly gay, with the people, unlike those elitist dems, being all straight and giving away tax breaks to the richest 1%.

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