WASHINGTON BLADE  6:11 pm May 23, 2011

Trusted D.C. Source Says GOP Congressman Aaron Schock Is Gay

by Wonkette Jr.

Oooo, is this Gay Day? Is it always like this around here?

Well look: Firstly, we do not really want to be in the “outing the gay people” business. But that does happen in Washington with the Republican senators and congressman every few months, so it seems we’re on that beat for the time being. Plus, this guy is a pro-torture creep who very aggressively fought against the protection of hate-crimes legislation for homosexuals attacked for being homosexuals, which happens a lot.

So, this nice man Princess Sparkle Pony who used to write for Wonkette way back when I was first learning what gay *meant*, well he has this news:

“Everyone Knows” Aaron Schock Is “Def. Gay”

We are ashamed to say we have not heard of this Rep. Aaron Schock. If you only read Wonkette, you could be forgiven for thinking the only congressperson in America is that scary witch lady, Michele Bachmann. So let’s google him. Ohhhhh, look what comes up first:

!!!I’m sorry, but that last picture *screams* gay. It is a sad fact of America 2011 that straight guys never look that good. There are lots of sexy details here: [Princess Sparkle Pony]

 
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Hola wonkerados.

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{ 98 comments }

Barb May 23, 2011 at 6:13 pm

Yes, he is gay. Lindsey Graham said his dick tasted like shit. *poof* positive

Beowoof May 23, 2011 at 7:25 pm

Well tastings after buttsecks shouldn't count.

Not_So_Much May 23, 2011 at 8:02 pm

He looks like he had a thriving career as a RentBoy before congress. Definitely not a RINO — he's committed to the party values.

mourningnmerica May 24, 2011 at 12:31 am

I remember the first time I ever heard that joke, about 20 years ago. My brother told it to me on the phone, and I laughed for 20 minutes. You are a very bad girl for telling it. Remind me never to invite you to my mom's house.

Barb May 24, 2011 at 7:24 am

What the….?!? Now I am banned from Mom's house?

prommie May 25, 2011 at 11:16 am

You are my new hero.

Troubledog May 23, 2011 at 6:16 pm

I won't believe it until I see the denials.

nounverb911 May 23, 2011 at 6:53 pm

Better get your tickets to Egypt then.

CrankyLttlCamperette May 23, 2011 at 6:16 pm

Sorry, even in DC, being a Representative doesn't count as a Major League Sport…

iburl May 23, 2011 at 6:19 pm

Schocking

Doktor Zoom May 23, 2011 at 6:24 pm

But is he any good at sports?

Arken May 23, 2011 at 6:27 pm

He's FABULOUS.

DaveJ May 23, 2011 at 6:24 pm

There's also the matter of THIS photo.
http://blogginginamerica.net/files/2011/05/Aaron-

hagajim May 23, 2011 at 6:26 pm

Screams closeted homosexual for certain. I'm surprised he isn't wearing the floppy hat!

DaveJ May 23, 2011 at 6:33 pm

Uh…"closeted" is actually the last thing I think of when I see that photo!

finallyhappy May 23, 2011 at 7:12 pm

Really, unless Schrock is the one in the middle – and a lesbian

emmelemm May 23, 2011 at 6:29 pm

Holy Chthulu on toast! The teal belt! The white pants!!

(Gay.)

ETA: My eyes! My eyes!

Beowoof May 23, 2011 at 7:38 pm

That outfit is just screaming for buttsecks.

__kth__ May 23, 2011 at 8:19 pm

If my eyes don't deceive me that shade is Schocking Blue.

emmelemm May 23, 2011 at 9:15 pm

Awesome. Would fist again and again.

PsycWench May 23, 2011 at 6:35 pm

That photo needs a blingee, if only to introduce Wonkette Jr. properly to the joy of blingees.

Tundra Grifter May 23, 2011 at 6:40 pm

That's the worst outfit I've seen since I spotted a tourist on Market Street in a Full Cleveland.

mourningnmerica May 23, 2011 at 8:11 pm

Queerest picture EVAR.

MozakiBlocks May 23, 2011 at 8:41 pm

All together now…

"I feel pretty
Oh so pretty
I feel pretty and witty and bright
And I pity
Any girl who isn't me tonight"

AngryGeometer May 23, 2011 at 9:42 pm

Heterosexual men in the south actually dress like that. London, too.

But Aaron Schock is from Illinois, so simply the fact that he's not morbidly obese and wearing a Chicago Bears jersey is probably evidence enough right there.

WriteyWriterton May 23, 2011 at 11:01 pm

I would take that personally, but I'd have to stop consuming my horseshoe long enough to do it.

(Wonketeers! See http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Horseshoe_sandwich)

prommie May 25, 2011 at 11:19 am

OSTENSIBLY heterosexual men in the South dress that way. Seemingly heterosexual men, men who purport to be heterosexual dress that way, in the south. But really, are they?

TheMeatmaker May 24, 2011 at 2:14 am

Bringing Bella Abzug as his date to the party is a big clue.

elviouslyqueer May 24, 2011 at 10:02 am

Good lord above. Even I don't have outfits that gay. And let's face it, I'm gayer than a Larry Craig-Lindsey Graham-Barney Frank-Mark Foley circle jerk.

Biel_ze_Bubba May 25, 2011 at 11:14 am

Christ …. where does one even FIND such clothing? I live in NYC, and I'm pretty sure I'd have to mail order that outfit — probably from a semi-creepy website.

prommie May 25, 2011 at 11:22 am

I feel safe in declaring that the gayest outfit ever in the history of the universe. Thats gayer than if he wore nothing but leather chaps and a Chipendale Dancer clamped to his back and actively penetrating his sphincter.

hagajim May 23, 2011 at 6:25 pm

Schock likes cock! No surprise there.

Doktor Zoom May 23, 2011 at 6:30 pm

Look, sweetie, I like a pun as much as anyone, but you can't really call it ""the Schocker" if all the fingers end up "in the stink." Yes, I still love you.

simplyblue7 May 23, 2011 at 6:30 pm

hmmm…always showing off those impeccable abs! Damn circuit queen!

Texan_Bulldog May 23, 2011 at 6:33 pm

I'd rather see his abs than Lindsey Graham's…shudder.

nounverb911 May 23, 2011 at 6:58 pm

Ham biscuits?

PsycWench May 23, 2011 at 6:37 pm

, this guy… very aggressively fought against the protection of hate-crimes legislation for homosexuals attacked for being homosexuals
Well, do you need more proof, really? Paging Larry Craig!!

Tundra Grifter May 23, 2011 at 6:41 pm

Today we are all Schock.

Camaro Nova May 23, 2011 at 6:42 pm

Ok. He is is really hot. And cute. What a crying shame. I would never vote for him, but I'd do him for sure …

FrenchTwist40 May 24, 2011 at 1:48 am

Yeah, I figure my attitude towards him is about the same as his attitude toward me: I'd bang him, but then afterwards pretend I didn't know him.

Gopherit May 23, 2011 at 6:45 pm
Limeylizzie May 23, 2011 at 7:16 pm

My best friend and I used to play this game called "Me, if I'm not careful' in which you see someone who could be you if you gained weight, dressed like an idiot etc but they have to look vaguely like you, sort of your worst nightmare, well that woman in the hat is "Me if I'm not careful".

mourningnmerica May 23, 2011 at 8:16 pm

Liz, I'll have to trust you. I tried to look, but the pants were just too fuckin' bright.

FrenchTwist40 May 30, 2011 at 8:50 am

Were your friend's initials CM by any chance?

Limeylizzie May 30, 2011 at 10:55 am

Oh my god..who are you? Cathy?

FrenchTwist40 May 31, 2011 at 2:30 am

No, but I know Cathy quite well, and have played "Me If I'm Not Careful" with her many times! Small world, isn't it?

x111e7thst May 23, 2011 at 6:50 pm

He's still gay? But I'm sure Dr Marcus Bachman cured him..

horsedreamer_1 May 23, 2011 at 6:53 pm

The GOP needs to spin this to their advantage. Here is how: outside Barney Frank, have the Democrats elected a gay* to Congress? No. Meanwhile, the GOP has had Steve Gunderson, Mark Foley, Larry Craig… Now, Schock. All the gays are belong to them, the Gay Old Party.

*Tammy Baldwin excepted, as she is a woman, something for which the GOP, gay or straight, does not care a wit.

thebeatgoeson May 23, 2011 at 10:31 pm

David Cicciline, who won Patrick Kennedy's vacated seat in RI, is openly gay.

tihond May 23, 2011 at 10:46 pm

Herb Kohl?

Doktor Zoom May 23, 2011 at 11:48 pm

Jim Kolbe, R-AZ, who held the 8th district seat before Gabby Giffords did. Pretty decent guy, and one of the few R's that I voted for more than once (Consistently pro-choice, though his vote for DOMA was a bad idea–and led to his being outed). Needless to say, he wouldn't have a chance in today's GOP.

horsedreamer_1 May 24, 2011 at 10:51 am

Sarah Palin would have used a balloon-knot to target his district, rather than a bull's eye surveyor's mark.

Fare la Volpe May 24, 2011 at 7:57 pm

Jared Polis (D-CO) was the first openly gay man elected to a freshman term. Frank outed himself after he was elected, but Polis was out when he was running.

Of course, the fact that Jared is a multi-millionaire had nothing to do with his historic victory.

Monsieur_Grumpe May 23, 2011 at 6:54 pm

Can anyone explain this abundance of closeted gay Republicans? Is it some sort of self loathing fetish? Can we blame their parents? I mean blame them for being Republican not gay. I don't get it. It's like they want to be publicly spanked. Jesus man! Why areyou hanging out with a crowd that thinks you need a lobotomy to cure your gayness?

emmelemm May 23, 2011 at 7:04 pm

SERIOUSLY. What is with these sons of bitches? I mean, if you want to "deny" your gayness and pretend to the world you're straight, well, I guess you're entitled to do that. But what is with these *clearly* gay guys, not just in U.S. Congress, but in local governments everywhere, who have atrocious records of voting against gay rights and eventually end up being outed? What could possibly be going on in their minds to be so hateful, and to actively work to marginalize a group that they, in fact, belong to??

Ugh. Not funny. Sorry.

DaRooster May 24, 2011 at 3:30 pm

Duckettes…

Dudleydidwrong May 23, 2011 at 10:59 pm

Freud called it "reaction formation." I think it is just fucking hypocrisy. Maybe they're one-in-the-same. (where's that old APA manual?)

Boojum_Reborn May 23, 2011 at 11:21 pm

They heard they might get attacked by some leathertrade if they were against it.

horsedreamer_1 May 24, 2011 at 10:53 am

They love money. & know they won't be able to come to the fore in the money-loving party if they don't toe the rest of the party line. Is why God created Beards.*

*The desire of a woman to be in a loveless marriage — a marriage without physical love, specifically — is hard to explain as well. Must have to allocate a lot of money to buy batteries.

Lionel[redacted]Esq May 23, 2011 at 6:55 pm

But does he have a wide stance? And if a threatening Black man stood next to him in a public restroom, would he offer him $20 to blow him?

BaldarTFlagass May 23, 2011 at 6:59 pm

As the guy in Layer Cake said, "Fucking females is for poofs."

justkillmenow May 23, 2011 at 7:00 pm

The people of Peoria, who elected this guy, are not suprised.

user-of-owls May 23, 2011 at 7:03 pm

After a considerable bout of laughter and ridicule, the brutes at Ellis Island agreed (for a sum) to change the original Old Country "C" to an "Sch."

Callyson May 23, 2011 at 7:34 pm

Again, upfists for everyone to make up for DF Troll. Who, come to think of it, could probably use a good upfisting…

Tommmcattt May 23, 2011 at 7:36 pm

Congressman Aaron Schock Is Gay

Dog Bites Man.

Beowoof May 23, 2011 at 7:44 pm

Gay republicans, generally hiding in the closet under some coats. However, every now and again one such as Aaron slips out in pair of white pants and a teal belt and voila the truth is out.
http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=wh

V572..whatever May 23, 2011 at 8:01 pm

Learn something every day, and not a minute too soon! I was just about to go over to Brooks Brothers…you wonder how it plays in Peoria.

SheriffRoscoe May 23, 2011 at 7:56 pm

Aaron Schock. I'd wear his ring……on my dick!

mourningnmerica May 23, 2011 at 8:10 pm

I hate to say this, but my first thought was the cheap attempt at humor, …"Schock and aauuuuuggg…"

WriteyWriterton May 23, 2011 at 11:04 pm

No humor's too cheap here, m. Go for it. Oh, wait, you did.

AnAmericanInTO May 23, 2011 at 8:23 pm

I thought it was the Men's Health cover that gave it away.
http://thirtymale.com/2011/05/09/just-in-time-for

trampndirtdown May 23, 2011 at 8:45 pm

What's shocking is how many wonkerati aren't pony pals, where else can you go to keep up with Condi's hairdo and matching armchair photos?

vulpes82 May 24, 2011 at 8:29 am

Condi's old news! Pony Pals are all about Calista Gingrich's spherical head now.

trampndirtdown May 24, 2011 at 10:31 am

While I likes me some Calista, no one can beat Condi. However i did see a return of the Giantess she could give em all a run for their money.

vulpes82 May 24, 2011 at 10:45 am

Ursula definitely is still Supreme Sovereignness of the Pony Pal Nation!

SpurningBeer May 23, 2011 at 9:18 pm

Greater metropolitan Peoria is totally gay, folks. Caterpillar Tractor? It's like a diesel-powered antique shop. Peoria makes Provincetown look like Lubbock. Totally gay. There's no queen like a Lutheran queen, you know.

pinkocommi May 23, 2011 at 10:25 pm

In a better world, people would be proud to be openly gay and in the closet with their conservatism.

emmelemm May 24, 2011 at 12:01 am

"I want to go to there."

fuflans May 23, 2011 at 10:30 pm

wonkette jr you need a cocktail break.

berkeleyfarm May 24, 2011 at 12:35 am

S/he has been a busy bee today!

WriteyWriterton May 23, 2011 at 11:05 pm

This wonkette, jr., him/her want job at Bizarro CNN, aka Teh Wonkette.

BZ1 May 23, 2011 at 11:32 pm

a great big so????

donner_froh May 23, 2011 at 11:36 pm

Low hanging fruit.

Badonkadonkette May 23, 2011 at 11:37 pm

Overheard: Lindsey Graham's reaction: "I really wish I could say I'm in Schock."

chascates May 23, 2011 at 11:39 pm

And Mark Kirk, senator from Illinois, is still gay.

Negropolis May 24, 2011 at 1:12 am

Schocking!

In other news, Osama Bin Laden is still dead.

I guess he does play in Peoria, if you know what I mean.

Lionel[redacted]Esq May 24, 2011 at 2:20 am

Wait, today wasn't dress up like a pirate day? That is why everyone was staring at me in court.

teebob2000 May 24, 2011 at 8:34 am

Yeah… and??

DaSandman May 24, 2011 at 9:49 am

Aaron is gay and yet the Republic still stands.

We dodge another bullet.

elviouslyqueer May 24, 2011 at 10:48 am

Your move, Paul Ryan.

carlgt1 May 24, 2011 at 11:35 am

haha wasn't he Meg McCain's #1 example of a hunky hetero Repug?

littlebigdaddy May 25, 2011 at 9:39 am

I'll be the first (?) to say it: Meg's a classic fag-hag.

neiltheblaze May 24, 2011 at 11:53 am

Oh for chrissake, this guy sets off my gaydar even though I have no gaydar whatsoever.

jus_wonderin May 24, 2011 at 12:11 pm

He is cute. If that counts at all in politics and bathhouses.

DaRooster May 24, 2011 at 3:24 pm

Naw… wait 'til September… http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Talk_like_a_pirate

They can go hand in hand.

littlebigdaddy May 25, 2011 at 9:38 am

Both my gaydar and my douchedar are erupting simultaneously.

FadHawk May 25, 2011 at 11:52 am

Revisionist history starts with you! When teh gayz are finally granted the rights every other American has, and the notion is overwhelmingly popular and accepted, the GOP will be able to take credit for having the courage to be secretly gay, with the people, unlike those elitist dems, being all straight and giving away tax breaks to the richest 1%.

delliemack August 30, 2012 at 10:39 pm

Aaron Schock is not gay. He's gay gay!

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