You know when you buy some something, let’s say a “suit for work interviews,” and then everybody is wearing the same thing, including at the very building where you’re interviewing? Or, you know how you move to the Big City and suddenly everyone is gay, and you start wondering if maybe a lot more people weren’t gay back home, too? Maybe everyone? It’s true! According to sports journalism, everybody is a homosexual now and this is causing some consternation on the playing fields or courts of the professional sports world. Imagine you’re an advertising agency and you’re putting together these big commercials for pickup trucks and light beer and there’s that wrestler with the policeman sunglasses and the cowboy hat howling “Are you ready for football?” but the whole audience is made up of gays and lesbians, because that’s what everyone actually is now. Should there be a test?
Reader-operative (they are the same?) Brian the D. sent us this CNN “opinion article” about sports and gays, and how there’s going to be a test. Multiple choice, we hope, jeez.
(CNN) — The closet door became unhinged lately when a number of gay men in sports decided to turn the knob and hold a public liberation. From a newspaper writer in Boston one week, to a former college basketball player in Philadelphia the next, a radio broadcaster in New York, and finally an executive in Phoenix, all felt safe and bold enough to say, “I’m different.”
So what happened next? That, too, was supposed to be shocking. But it wasn’t. These outings went over in the sports world like a commercial break. A 30-second diversion — that’s all it was. Then folks went back to the ball game. The collective national reaction was a lot like a Serena Williams tennis outfit: short.
We have it on fairly good authority that lesbians will pass all the questions about Serena Williams’ ass. [CNN]
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"Gays To Be Tested On Sports Trivia Knowledge"
Lindsey Graham will give the test.
"No jock left behind"? heh.
No behind left unjocked?
No biscuit left unhammed.
Is the test the one where they tie a little silver bell to the end of everyone's dick and when Lindsey bends over they check to see whose bell rang? (God! The thought! Oh, the humanity…)
lots of butt patting on this test.
Meh, it's like finding a needle in a gay stack. They could all be gay for all I know.
I've always been surprised at the number of straight wrestlers and figure skaters. I mean, WHY?
Are there any straight male figure skaters? But then that's not a sport.
Will sportscasters be able to say the word, on the air, in Tennessee?
Oh, I'd be willing to bet Stacey Campfield likes to come on gays, in sports, in bed, in truck stop restrooms…
Just not in schools.
It's ok to be Takei, though!
Finally, Takei's outreach program to the sports world has paid off.
I usuallly do not watch the videos here but that one was great(and I am a big Trek fan)
"Turn the knob" is euphemism?
Isn't knob the word that British people informally use to refer to dicks, speaking of which, can we have a telethon to raise money to send bags of salted rat dicks to the Tennessee legislators?
It can be turned only after being polished.
Why do you think all those baseball players are constantly touching themselves….because they are hawt for all the man on man action coming up!
True story.
Watching the TB Rays against the Royals on Sun Sports cable network last year.
The game was at the notorious Trop, where thanks to political stupidity and a poor engineering design, the bullpens are in the field of play.
Coming back from a late inning commercial break, one of the cameras focus in on a couple of Rays relievers having a spitting contest.
The pitchers took a break from their game and one of them procceds to unconciously play with himself. The next thing he knows, the video feed is on the Jumbotron.
And the crowd went wild!
Can we maybe focus on having writers at CNN pass a writing test first? Yeesh.
Boxing is the gayest of the sports. Two shirtless men…in silk shorts… fighting over a fancy belt.
Brings back memories of going to Loehmann's with my grandmother.
Or the original Filene's basement in Boston. I can't count the number of fights I saw there. The thing that really shocked me was women trying on bras in the open aisles. No kidding.
Oh please. That's just another shopping day for me at H&M.
I wanna party with you Cowboy!
When Mrs. Kincaid tries to drag me in there, I call it Hysteria & Mayhem.
Um, I disagree. Have you ever seen Greco-Roman wrestling? Not that there's anything wrong with that.
MMA FTW
At least G-R is all upper body. Freestyle is all but dedicated to homoeroticism – every leg shot goes to the crotch, you spend half the match or more taking turns riding and trying to pin each other, and everything is about "hip control."
fighting over a fancy belt.
And they're trying to win a purse.
Two man luge is pretty fucking gay too.
Better latent than never
Nope, UFC/MMA is the gayest. You pound another guy with your fists, try to mount him, and attempt to have him submit, or get choked out.
That is the gayest shit ever, I feel bad paying $50 for the PPV every time, but still do it.
If only you could teabag and/or fuck your unconscious opponent, then it would be totally, openly gay.
Turkish wrestling. Bunch of guys wearing shorts, oiled up and trying to drive each other to the ground.
The closet door became unhinged lately
Are they trying to imply that gay people are crazy or something?
I've played enough Trivial Pursuit to know that the answer to any sports question is always either "Vinny Testaverde" or "cricket." There you go, gays–you're welcome.
"Knute Rockne"
"Testaverde" is Spanish for "green testes" isn't it?
Or as he was affectionately known by the fans when he played for the Bucs – "Vinny Green Balls"
Turning the knob is SO gay.
So is downfisting.
Absolutely! The troll must be known as Princess Tiny Meat.
I thought it was polishing it.
Gay men, turning the knob, mass hysteria.
The closet door became unhinged lately…
And then it thwacked Mitch Daniels right in the face.
A 30-second diversion — that’s all it was. Then folks went back to the ball game.
Gives a whole new meaning to the song "Take Me Out to the Ballgame"
Also: the real news will come when someone who is a *current* player comes out. Especially in the NFL…
Wasn't Martina Navratalova still playing tennis when she came out?
Oh yeah…my bad. But I think my point on the NFL stands…
Yeah, you are right. Dave Kopay revealed his sexual orientation after he retired from playing and Redskins end Jerry Smith, who died of AIDS, never did admit to being gay but others confirmed the fact after his death. No player turned the knob when he was playing–up to this point.
Yeah, but lesbians in sports is nothing new; hell I think it's a requirement for the WNBA. Openly gay men, however, are pretty much non-existent, except occasionally after retirement.
But the TheatreQueers already covered that in 2003's Tony-winning "Take Me Out" about a MLB player, well, coming out…
Peyton Manning, paging Peyton Manning…
I don't care if he has a child, Chad Ochocino is gay.
"Turn the knob" — is that what they're calling it now?
It's a variant of "knob gobbling."
If turning the knob makes your closet door come unhinged, you either need a carpenter or you're a sportswriter who should not be allowed within 500 yards of a metaphor.
"…Going to come on gays."
I was more intrigued by *that* part of the title.
Maybe someone turned the knob a little too firmly?
Personally, I'm looking forward to the upcoming Bukakke Bowl.
In sports, a BALL is:
a. a testicle
b. a fancy dance
c. a fabulous time
d. a spherical or oblong object to throw, catch, kick, carry, club, bat, or fondle
All of them, Katie
All of them, Katie.
Yes.
Ha ha ha, looks like the downfister's teams are not doing so well (upfists for everyone to balance out.)
Hey, troll, maybe a couple of teh gayz on your teams would help improve their win / loss record. Personally, I'd love to see my Steelers get a new, gay QB…
DF's just more than their usual douchey because they were crowing over at Dimfart last weekend about our premature demise.
If the Wonkette don't get ya, the Wonkette Jr. will.
I am newish to this place but have already picked up a breitbart from hanging around. Do I need to report it or is it just assumed everyone here has one? (if a special comb is needed to get rid of it, let me know)
——
Did you see that? They are really really small but they are super fast. Fuckers.
The funny thing is: they just downfisted you too. At least my upfist got you back into positive territory.
These klingons seem to be everywhere. Spanky2b, Somethingaboutleadpaintchips, I forget them all.
Somebody went over there and tracked them down a few weeks ago, DoktorZoom?? or somebody, and put forth quite a fight to make them go away.
But the DF's are simply afflicted with some pathologic obsession.
We should just get addresses for these fools and send them actual letters until they can't handle it anymore. Mine, Bob Riepe, lives in Kissimmee, FL (surprise), and is just ASKING for a few subscriptions to Playgirl and Just Out (as if he doesn't already peruse them at the local YMCA).
It's relatively easy to track these jackoffs down, as they're all elderly Republican fartkockers.
Thank you Radiotherapy, for covering my back, I would do the same for you. I routinely upfist wonkette indiscriminately.
Spanky2b/tastyleadpaintchips is is the one following me. I guess I have arrived.
"But the DF's are simply afflicted with some pathologic obsession. "
I'm quite certain it's one brain-damaged cretin with several IDs. Being an annoying asshole is what this guy's all about… because it's all he's good at. You know the type.
sarah palin's face blinking on and off over there is like john mccain's waking nightmare.
And now they're neighbors.
And Ben Quayle is her congressman!
McCain's awake?
Real Test Still To Come On Gays In Water-sports.
"I AM SPARTACUS!"
So former athletes and people who talk about athletes are coming out. Huzzah! The door is wide open! Clearly, the American public doesn't care if their real idols (former college stars and journalists) are homosexuals.
Dear downfister: I am going to tackle you from behind, and sack you until your tight end begs for mercy. I'm talking about football.
Please, be sure that football is FULLY inflated..
..the old Quarterback Sneak, eh?
The downfister is the tranny that was bitten by Marv Albert..
When you combine the people who don't want to have sex with John Bolton, and the people who don't want to have gay sex with John Bolton, that's really quite a lot of people.
If I had hackles, that man would make them raise. I don't understand how he was ever made ambassador to anything more than a telephone booth. I had forgotten about him until you brought up the prospect of having seks with him.
Joey? Is that you?
Any questions on the Packers?
Green Bay or Fudge?
You mean you can't tell by just having them throw a baseball?
Is this like those WW Two movies where the GI's are trying to figure out if the new guy is really a German werewolf so they ask him who won the World Series in '41?
Ummm… the Blue Socks, that's it!
Ja?
"a lot like a Serena Williams tennis outfit: short."
In other words: "I pay a lot of attention to Serena's clothes but none to her ass because I like biting pillows."
What shitty commentary, CNN
That line was so bitchy-catty.
I freely admit to having not-so-latent lesbian tendencies.
Nice.
But that's the "ok-gay", chick-on-chick. Becase it's hottt.
It's the dick-on-dick that gets the fundies all lathered up.
The fundies only like chick-on-chick if it's with lipstick.
Keef's "special comment " in 5,4,3..
This will be on the test:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Baseball_metaphors_f…
So we're talking more than just softball here?
This post brought to you by the WNBA, official sponsor of LGBT everywhere.
Also the Dinah Shore Open, for some damned reason.
That headline is disturbingly graphic.
Cmon people!
It's been well known for a long time that golf courses attract Lesbians…
Like butch swallows to a fabulous Capistrano.
Football: The "quarterback" sticks his hands between another guy's legs, then hooks up with a "tight end" who goes for the "end zone." And he could play for the Packers. Nothin' at all gay there. "Not that there's anything wrong with that."
I don't claim to know a lot about football, but it seems there is a lot of "penetration" going on, also.
Especially when they attempt to go "long"and "deep" "up the middle."
Have you ever been to a Turkish prison?
To be fair, if the gays are going to have to answer sports questions, then sports figures should have to answer questions about matching colors in a room properly, and trivia questions about Broadway Musicals and Judy Garland.
Big Papi: "Well, I'd have to say All God's Chillun Got Rhythm if we're only limited to Judy"
Mookey Wilson: "Ha! That's obvious! Once you're a Met you're always a Met!"
Jarrod Scott "Salty" Saltalamacchia: I resent the fact that we cannot list our other favorite gay anthems, such as Donizetti's Una Furtiva Lagrima or the sublime works of Edith Piaf.
Chico Escuela: "Mamma Mia been bery, bery good to me."
Is "Def. Gay" like "Def Jam" – only different? Or not?
Hmmmm, SayItWithWookies hasn't commented for 3 days. Maybe he's Mr. Wonkette Jr.??
If we KNOW him, should we give him more shit?
You know, "take off the gloves" or so?
Did'ja ever hang around the gymnasium?
Ya ever seen a grown man naked?
An informal survey in my neighborhood reveals that gay men have been turning the knob for a lot longer than CNN suspects.
CNN: Coming on Gays in Sports Since 1980.
Wonkette Jr., is that you Extemperanus? Is PedoBear our once & future editor?
Listen, Ken or Jr. or Great Caesar's Ghost, whoever's in charge. It is patently obvious that though we derive some satisfaction from anthropomorphizing a robot as our resident "downfist troll," there would seemingly be a way by which a site manager could tell Intensely Stupid Debate to stop with the fucking auto-scripts already. Admittedly, I have no earthly idea how these things work, but even a dolt like me can recognize that the down-pee's are not human-generated. So, ha ha, in essence every time we spew about the mythical "down-fister," we actually "Rage Against the Machine."
Parenthetically?
(I just wanted to say that).
I'd love to find out how they're doing it. I spent the better part of the last 2 hours searching various corners of the internet (some of them dark) trying to find comment bots, greasemonkey scripts, or google reader extensions that would all for massive downfisting, and came up with nada. I actually *do* wonder if there are some poor, unemployed, chronically OCD teabaggers sitting there all day, taking out their rage against the (lieberal / LSM) establishment by going thread by thread, followed-user by followed-user, and voting us down.
Seriously, how? You are right, presumably, that there isn't a squidgy auto-thumber robot out there (lord knows, I am utterly daft about such things), but honestly? The immediacy (regardless of time of day) and relentlessness (going after sub-comments of sub-comments, days gone by) just strikes me as either utterly implausible or absolute proof that a genuinely mentally ill person lurks among us. And I mean that, in both hypotheses, in all seriousness.
It's the second. He obviously does read everything they say; if you look at his comments on Breitbart, he's linked to some of our comments (always out-of-context and selectively edited – what a surprise from one of Andy's followers) and has deleted some comments we have linked to or quoted.
Lol, it's just me; and I'm just fuckin' with ya.
Lighten up already.
Something tells me that the closet door's not the only thing that's going to come unhinged once Stacey Campfield and the Tennesee Legislature catches wind of this. If everyone in sports is now officially gay, does that mean that sports no longer exist in Tennessee? I haz a confuzd…
I've been around a long time and this fascination with "coming out" has me perplexed. I remember back in the sixties where, in the space of a couple weeks, Dick Butkus, Ray Nitschke and Casey Stengel all revealed their homosexuality on Howard Cosell's Wide World of Sports. Hey, the world didn't end, did it?
Dick Butkus?
Jeez … I'm not even going to try.
i hope somebody will be liveblogging bibi's aipac speech.
comedy gold!
Give it a shot – you could be the next Wonkette
starerrand boy/girl.Jesus, I thought that Alessandra Stanley was the worst journalist writing for a major publication. This guy makes her look like a cross between Woodward, Bernstein, and Bosley Crowther.
Bosley Crowther! Wow!
A Wonketeer as old/possibly older than me?
Sorry, my friend. I'm only 31; I just like the NYT's film review archives a bit too much.
I hope you didn't soil your Depends in excitement!
Ooo! Oooo! I get it! So the closet door is really a metaphor for the traditional anally fixated "straight" male who contradicts his assigned identity and the knob is the blank canvass of authenticity, an iteration of the otherness of being gay, that the hegemonic identity known as "straight" embraces in the textual space of the unhinged door that, through an ambiguous articulation of ethnographically tender social histories, tangentially approaches emergence of the "gay" signifier in Western society!!
Well said!
Wow – did you do that, or does Google have an English Lit translator?
ha ha No, I did that. I wish someone had a translator like that; I'd use it all the time. I love lit crit speak.
Everyone is ghey?
Fuck!
That explains SO MUCH!
You know when you buy some something, let’s say a “suit for work interviews,” and then everybody is wearing the same thing, including at the very building where you’re interviewing?
Hey, Jr., tell us the truth: is this what happened at Wonkette world headquarters? And does that mean you had to trek through the desert in your new suit, making small talk with tortoises, while tripping on peyote? Was the tortoise gay?
If two gheys blow each other in the woods, does anybody clap?
ZNN thinks they are living in Israel
I'm not sure if this is true, but the San Francisco 49ers are the first entirely Gay NFL franchise to win 5 Super bowls. The Denver Broncos and The Gayville Homos are tied for second place with two Super bowls each.
Never forget they played in Candlestick Park for years. The Pitt. Steel however have surpassed their total. And the Packers have the most trophies in NFL history.
Too bad we lost the Oilers, but we'll always have the Packers.
Don't forget the Dallas Gayboys, errr, Cowboys.
Isn't the downfister who never seems to comment or reveal itself… peevin' ya off??
Male figure skaters and female golfers will always win those tests.
Editor's Note: Shaun Powell is a veteran sports columnist and seems to know far more, "Glee" trivia than a heterosexualist should know.
We are all gay sports trivia buffs now.
Just when I was giving up on gay men…
Cum the fuck on. You can't tell me for a minute that the writer didn't notice this.
“Are you ready for football?!!!!” is the opposite of "green balloons". It means it's ok, shove a can of Bud Light up my ass and pull my pubes like you're the Rock.
In old country, gays and lesbians test YOU.
"Journalist" fails to measure up. Film at 11.
Back in the late 80s, one of my gay friends was a model and got a gig on a teevee spot promoting Monday Night football. He was able to pass as a sportsfan. Apparently, acting all pumped up on alcohol and testosterone isn't very difficult.
Republican for sure. Though I am wondering if they aren't liberal in their heart of hearts given the amount of time they spend bothering us. I can't spend more than 15 comments at a conservative site before I have to leave. These guys continuously hang around like they wish they could stay, or something. They protest too much.
Ha ha. You, me and eight hundred other people. At first, I thought he was mad at me for coming in his mom's mouth, but now I think he just hates the world.
Hahaha…. the idea of the winger set as the hapless dork looking up to while talking down to our awesome BMOC-ness is such a mindfuck of an idea that I I'll have to consider it one of their main motivations, as mindfucks are their stock in trade.
Oh great, I am just one of 800 other annoyed people? Fuck you spanky!
The question then, I guess, is how much his mom enjoyed it?
Thith muth.
You are a brilliant and clever individual!
That, or he's an Igor.
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