What if the gays are busy that day? Is this like jury duty?You know when you buy some something, let’s say a “suit for work interviews,” and then everybody is wearing the same thing, including at the very building where you’re interviewing? Or, you know how you move to the Big City and suddenly everyone is gay, and you start wondering if maybe a lot more people weren’t gay back home, too? Maybe everyone? It’s true! According to sports journalism, everybody is a homosexual now and this is causing some consternation on the playing fields or courts of the professional sports world. Imagine you’re an advertising agency and you’re putting together these big commercials for pickup trucks and light beer and there’s that wrestler with the policeman sunglasses and the cowboy hat howling “Are you ready for football?” but the whole audience is made up of gays and lesbians, because that’s what everyone actually is now. Should there be a test?

Reader-operative (they are the same?) Brian the D. sent us this CNN “opinion article” about sports and gays, and how there’s going to be a test. Multiple choice, we hope, jeez.

(CNN) — The closet door became unhinged lately when a number of gay men in sports decided to turn the knob and hold a public liberation. From a newspaper writer in Boston one week, to a former college basketball player in Philadelphia the next, a radio broadcaster in New York, and finally an executive in Phoenix, all felt safe and bold enough to say, “I’m different.”

So what happened next? That, too, was supposed to be shocking. But it wasn’t. These outings went over in the sports world like a commercial break. A 30-second diversion — that’s all it was. Then folks went back to the ball game. The collective national reaction was a lot like a Serena Williams tennis outfit: short.

We have it on fairly good authority that lesbians will pass all the questions about Serena Williams’ ass. [CNN]

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  • nounverb911

    "Gays To Be Tested On Sports Trivia Knowledge"
    Lindsey Graham will give the test.

  • Barb

    Meh, it's like finding a needle in a gay stack. They could all be gay for all I know.

    • Swampgas_Man

      I've always been surprised at the number of straight wrestlers and figure skaters. I mean, WHY?

      • SorosBot

        Are there any straight male figure skaters? But then that's not a sport.

  • DemonicRage

    Will sportscasters be able to say the word, on the air, in Tennessee?

  • hagajim

    Why do you think all those baseball players are constantly touching themselves….because they are hawt for all the man on man action coming up!

    • Mrspanky

      True story.

      Watching the TB Rays against the Royals on Sun Sports cable network last year.

      The game was at the notorious Trop, where thanks to political stupidity and a poor engineering design, the bullpens are in the field of play.

      Coming back from a late inning commercial break, one of the cameras focus in on a couple of Rays relievers having a spitting contest.

      The pitchers took a break from their game and one of them procceds to unconciously play with himself. The next thing he knows, the video feed is on the Jumbotron.

      And the crowd went wild!

  • Sophist[Kochblocker]

    Can we maybe focus on having writers at CNN pass a writing test first? Yeesh.

  • Barb

    Boxing is the gayest of the sports. Two shirtless men…in silk shorts… fighting over a fancy belt.

    • nounverb911

      Brings back memories of going to Loehmann's with my grandmother.

      • Terry

        Or the original Filene's basement in Boston. I can't count the number of fights I saw there. The thing that really shocked me was women trying on bras in the open aisles. No kidding.

    • elviouslyqueer

      Oh please. That's just another shopping day for me at H&M.

      • Barb

        I wanna party with you Cowboy!

      • When Mrs. Kincaid tries to drag me in there, I call it Hysteria & Mayhem.

    • Boredw/Gravitas

      Um, I disagree. Have you ever seen Greco-Roman wrestling? Not that there's anything wrong with that.

      • __kth__
      • BerkeleyBear

        At least G-R is all upper body. Freestyle is all but dedicated to homoeroticism – every leg shot goes to the crotch, you spend half the match or more taking turns riding and trying to pin each other, and everything is about "hip control."

    • JoshuaNorton

      fighting over a fancy belt.

      And they're trying to win a purse.

    • Radiotherapy

      Two man luge is pretty fucking gay too.

    • Doktor Zoom

      Better latent than never

    • mayor_quimby

      Nope, UFC/MMA is the gayest. You pound another guy with your fists, try to mount him, and attempt to have him submit, or get choked out.
      That is the gayest shit ever, I feel bad paying $50 for the PPV every time, but still do it.
      If only you could teabag and/or fuck your unconscious opponent, then it would be totally, openly gay.

    • BerkeleyBear

      Turkish wrestling. Bunch of guys wearing shorts, oiled up and trying to drive each other to the ground.

  • emmelemm

    The closet door became unhinged lately

    Are they trying to imply that gay people are crazy or something?

  • edgydrifter

    I've played enough Trivial Pursuit to know that the answer to any sports question is always either "Vinny Testaverde" or "cricket." There you go, gays–you're welcome.

    • tribbzthesquidz

      "Knute Rockne"

    • Doktor Zoom

      "Testaverde" is Spanish for "green testes" isn't it?

      • MozakiBlocks

        Or as he was affectionately known by the fans when he played for the Bucs – "Vinny Green Balls"

  • teebob2000

    Turning the knob is SO gay.

    • nounverb911

      So is downfisting.

      • Absolutely! The troll must be known as Princess Tiny Meat.

    • Bonzos_Bed_Time

      I thought it was polishing it.

  • PeaceWithHonor

    Gay men, turning the knob, mass hysteria.

  • Doktor Zoom

    The closet door became unhinged lately…

    And then it thwacked Mitch Daniels right in the face.

  • Callyson

    A 30-second diversion — that’s all it was. Then folks went back to the ball game.
    Gives a whole new meaning to the song "Take Me Out to the Ballgame"
    Also: the real news will come when someone who is a *current* player comes out. Especially in the NFL…

    • Terry

      Wasn't Martina Navratalova still playing tennis when she came out?

      • Callyson

        Oh yeah…my bad. But I think my point on the NFL stands…

        • Dudleydidwrong

          Yeah, you are right. Dave Kopay revealed his sexual orientation after he retired from playing and Redskins end Jerry Smith, who died of AIDS, never did admit to being gay but others confirmed the fact after his death. No player turned the knob when he was playing–up to this point.

      • SorosBot

        Yeah, but lesbians in sports is nothing new; hell I think it's a requirement for the WNBA. Openly gay men, however, are pretty much non-existent, except occasionally after retirement.

    • CrankyLttlCamperette

      But the TheatreQueers already covered that in 2003's Tony-winning "Take Me Out" about a MLB player, well, coming out…

    • SorosBot

      Peyton Manning, paging Peyton Manning…

    • Negropolis

      I don't care if he has a child, Chad Ochocino is gay.

  • V572..whatever

    "Turn the knob" — is that what they're calling it now?

    • Radiotherapy

      It's a variant of "knob gobbling."

  • Doktor Zoom

    If turning the knob makes your closet door come unhinged, you either need a carpenter or you're a sportswriter who should not be allowed within 500 yards of a metaphor.

  • CrazyLikeFox

    "…Going to come on gays."

    I was more intrigued by *that* part of the title.

    • SexySmurf

      Maybe someone turned the knob a little too firmly?

    • DeeJayKitteh

      Personally, I'm looking forward to the upcoming Bukakke Bowl.

  • In sports, a BALL is:

    a. a testicle
    b. a fancy dance
    c. a fabulous time
    d. a spherical or oblong object to throw, catch, kick, carry, club, bat, or fondle

    • nounverb911

      All of them, Katie

    • MadBrahms

      All of them, Katie.

    • Negropolis


  • Callyson

    Ha ha ha, looks like the downfister's teams are not doing so well (upfists for everyone to balance out.)
    Hey, troll, maybe a couple of teh gayz on your teams would help improve their win / loss record. Personally, I'd love to see my Steelers get a new, gay QB…

    • Radiotherapy

      DF's just more than their usual douchey because they were crowing over at Dimfart last weekend about our premature demise.
      If the Wonkette don't get ya, the Wonkette Jr. will.

      • ganmerlad

        I am newish to this place but have already picked up a breitbart from hanging around. Do I need to report it or is it just assumed everyone here has one? (if a special comb is needed to get rid of it, let me know)
        Did you see that? They are really really small but they are super fast. Fuckers.

        • Radiotherapy

          The funny thing is: they just downfisted you too. At least my upfist got you back into positive territory.
          These klingons seem to be everywhere. Spanky2b, Somethingaboutleadpaintchips, I forget them all.
          Somebody went over there and tracked them down a few weeks ago, DoktorZoom?? or somebody, and put forth quite a fight to make them go away.
          But the DF's are simply afflicted with some pathologic obsession.

          • PhilippePetain

            We should just get addresses for these fools and send them actual letters until they can't handle it anymore. Mine, Bob Riepe, lives in Kissimmee, FL (surprise), and is just ASKING for a few subscriptions to Playgirl and Just Out (as if he doesn't already peruse them at the local YMCA).

            It's relatively easy to track these jackoffs down, as they're all elderly Republican fartkockers.

          • ganmerlad

            Republican for sure. Though I am wondering if they aren't liberal in their heart of hearts given the amount of time they spend bothering us. I can't spend more than 15 comments at a conservative site before I have to leave. These guys continuously hang around like they wish they could stay, or something. They protest too much.

          • PhilippePetain

            Hahaha…. the idea of the winger set as the hapless dork looking up to while talking down to our awesome BMOC-ness is such a mindfuck of an idea that I I'll have to consider it one of their main motivations, as mindfucks are their stock in trade.

          • ganmerlad

            Thank you Radiotherapy, for covering my back, I would do the same for you. I routinely upfist wonkette indiscriminately.

            Spanky2b/tastyleadpaintchips is is the one following me. I guess I have arrived.

          • trondant

            Ha ha. You, me and eight hundred other people. At first, I thought he was mad at me for coming in his mom's mouth, but now I think he just hates the world.

          • ganmerlad

            Oh great, I am just one of 800 other annoyed people? Fuck you spanky!

            The question then, I guess, is how much his mom enjoyed it?

          • trondant

            Thith muth.

          • mayor_quimby

            You are a brilliant and clever individual!

          • Ms Whatever

            That, or he's an Igor.

          • Biel_ze_Bubba

            "But the DF's are simply afflicted with some pathologic obsession. "

            I'm quite certain it's one brain-damaged cretin with several IDs. Being an annoying asshole is what this guy's all about… because it's all he's good at. You know the type.

  • fuflans

    sarah palin's face blinking on and off over there is like john mccain's waking nightmare.

    • nounverb911

      And now they're neighbors.

      • Bonzos_Bed_Time

        And Ben Quayle is her congressman!

    • trondant

      McCain's awake?

  • tribbzthesquidz

    Real Test Still To Come On Gays In Water-sports.

  • nounverb911


  • MadBrahms

    So former athletes and people who talk about athletes are coming out. Huzzah! The door is wide open! Clearly, the American public doesn't care if their real idols (former college stars and journalists) are homosexuals.

    Dear downfister: I am going to tackle you from behind, and sack you until your tight end begs for mercy. I'm talking about football.

    • [redacted]hse

      Please, be sure that football is FULLY inflated..
      ..the old Quarterback Sneak, eh?

  • lefty74

    The downfister is the tranny that was bitten by Marv Albert..

  • Troubledog

    When you combine the people who don't want to have sex with John Bolton, and the people who don't want to have gay sex with John Bolton, that's really quite a lot of people.

    • ganmerlad

      If I had hackles, that man would make them raise. I don't understand how he was ever made ambassador to anything more than a telephone booth. I had forgotten about him until you brought up the prospect of having seks with him.

  • Tundra Grifter

    Joey? Is that you?

  • Any questions on the Packers?

    • Doktor Zoom

      Green Bay or Fudge?

  • Pragmatist2

    You mean you can't tell by just having them throw a baseball?

  • Tundra Grifter

    Is this like those WW Two movies where the GI's are trying to figure out if the new guy is really a German werewolf so they ask him who won the World Series in '41?

    • Lascauxcaveman

      Ummm… the Blue Socks, that's it!


  • gef05

    "a lot like a Serena Williams tennis outfit: short."

    In other words: "I pay a lot of attention to Serena's clothes but none to her ass because I like biting pillows."

    What shitty commentary, CNN

    • Negropolis

      That line was so bitchy-catty.

  • [redacted]hse

    I freely admit to having not-so-latent lesbian tendencies.

    • UW8316154


      But that's the "ok-gay", chick-on-chick. Becase it's hottt.
      It's the dick-on-dick that gets the fundies all lathered up.

      • Negropolis

        The fundies only like chick-on-chick if it's with lipstick.

  • rocktonsam

    Keef's "special comment " in 5,4,3..

  • Worthly[♬♪♬♪♫♪♬]Skum
  • Bonzos_Bed_Time

    So we're talking more than just softball here?

  • Radiotherapy

    This post brought to you by the WNBA, official sponsor of LGBT everywhere.

    • Swampgas_Man

      Also the Dinah Shore Open, for some damned reason.

  • That headline is disturbingly graphic.

  • DahBoner

    Cmon people!

    It's been well known for a long time that golf courses attract Lesbians…

    • user-of-owls

      Like butch swallows to a fabulous Capistrano.

  • bflrtsplk

    Football: The "quarterback" sticks his hands between another guy's legs, then hooks up with a "tight end" who goes for the "end zone." And he could play for the Packers. Nothin' at all gay there. "Not that there's anything wrong with that."

    • Jerri

      I don't claim to know a lot about football, but it seems there is a lot of "penetration" going on, also.

      • bflrtsplk

        Especially when they attempt to go "long"and "deep" "up the middle."

  • easynewz

    Have you ever been to a Turkish prison?

  • BaldarTFlagass

    To be fair, if the gays are going to have to answer sports questions, then sports figures should have to answer questions about matching colors in a room properly, and trivia questions about Broadway Musicals and Judy Garland.

    • user-of-owls

      Big Papi: "Well, I'd have to say All God's Chillun Got Rhythm if we're only limited to Judy"

      Mookey Wilson: "Ha! That's obvious! Once you're a Met you're always a Met!"

      Jarrod Scott "Salty" Saltalamacchia: I resent the fact that we cannot list our other favorite gay anthems, such as Donizetti's Una Furtiva Lagrima or the sublime works of Edith Piaf.

      Chico Escuela: "Mamma Mia been bery, bery good to me."

  • Tundra Grifter

    Is "Def. Gay" like "Def Jam" – only different? Or not?

  • Hmmmm, SayItWithWookies hasn't commented for 3 days. Maybe he's Mr. Wonkette Jr.??

    • [redacted]hse

      If we KNOW him, should we give him more shit?
      You know, "take off the gloves" or so?

  • easynewz

    Did'ja ever hang around the gymnasium?

  • easynewz

    Ya ever seen a grown man naked?

  • alaninthecastro

    An informal survey in my neighborhood reveals that gay men have been turning the knob for a lot longer than CNN suspects.

  • CNN: Coming on Gays in Sports Since 1980.

  • Wonkette Jr., is that you Extemperanus? Is PedoBear our once & future editor?

  • user-of-owls

    Listen, Ken or Jr. or Great Caesar's Ghost, whoever's in charge. It is patently obvious that though we derive some satisfaction from anthropomorphizing a robot as our resident "downfist troll," there would seemingly be a way by which a site manager could tell Intensely Stupid Debate to stop with the fucking auto-scripts already. Admittedly, I have no earthly idea how these things work, but even a dolt like me can recognize that the down-pee's are not human-generated. So, ha ha, in essence every time we spew about the mythical "down-fister," we actually "Rage Against the Machine."

    • [redacted]hse


      (I just wanted to say that).

    • MadBrahms

      I'd love to find out how they're doing it. I spent the better part of the last 2 hours searching various corners of the internet (some of them dark) trying to find comment bots, greasemonkey scripts, or google reader extensions that would all for massive downfisting, and came up with nada. I actually *do* wonder if there are some poor, unemployed, chronically OCD teabaggers sitting there all day, taking out their rage against the (lieberal / LSM) establishment by going thread by thread, followed-user by followed-user, and voting us down.

      • user-of-owls

        Seriously, how? You are right, presumably, that there isn't a squidgy auto-thumber robot out there (lord knows, I am utterly daft about such things), but honestly? The immediacy (regardless of time of day) and relentlessness (going after sub-comments of sub-comments, days gone by) just strikes me as either utterly implausible or absolute proof that a genuinely mentally ill person lurks among us. And I mean that, in both hypotheses, in all seriousness.

        • SorosBot

          It's the second. He obviously does read everything they say; if you look at his comments on Breitbart, he's linked to some of our comments (always out-of-context and selectively edited – what a surprise from one of Andy's followers) and has deleted some comments we have linked to or quoted.

          • Lascauxcaveman

            Lol, it's just me; and I'm just fuckin' with ya.

            Lighten up already.

  • SaneCatLady

    Something tells me that the closet door's not the only thing that's going to come unhinged once Stacey Campfield and the Tennesee Legislature catches wind of this. If everyone in sports is now officially gay, does that mean that sports no longer exist in Tennessee? I haz a confuzd…

  • RedNM

    I've been around a long time and this fascination with "coming out" has me perplexed. I remember back in the sixties where, in the space of a couple weeks, Dick Butkus, Ray Nitschke and Casey Stengel all revealed their homosexuality on Howard Cosell's Wide World of Sports. Hey, the world didn't end, did it?

    • Biel_ze_Bubba

      Dick Butkus?

      Jeez … I'm not even going to try.

  • fuflans

    i hope somebody will be liveblogging bibi's aipac speech.

    comedy gold!

    • HistoriCat

      Give it a shot – you could be the next Wonkette star errand boy/girl.

  • Jesus, I thought that Alessandra Stanley was the worst journalist writing for a major publication. This guy makes her look like a cross between Woodward, Bernstein, and Bosley Crowther.

    • WriteyWriterton

      Bosley Crowther! Wow!

      A Wonketeer as old/possibly older than me?

      • Sorry, my friend. I'm only 31; I just like the NYT's film review archives a bit too much.

        I hope you didn't soil your Depends in excitement!

  • Mort_Sinclair

    The closet door became unhinged lately when a number of gay men in sports decided to turn the knob and hold a public liberation.

    Ooo! Oooo! I get it! So the closet door is really a metaphor for the traditional anally fixated "straight" male who contradicts his assigned identity and the knob is the blank canvass of authenticity, an iteration of the otherness of being gay, that the hegemonic identity known as "straight" embraces in the textual space of the unhinged door that, through an ambiguous articulation of ethnographically tender social histories, tangentially approaches emergence of the "gay" signifier in Western society!!

    Well said!

    • Biel_ze_Bubba

      Wow – did you do that, or does Google have an English Lit translator?

      • Mort_Sinclair

        ha ha No, I did that. I wish someone had a translator like that; I'd use it all the time. I love lit crit speak.

  • DaSandman

    Everyone is ghey?


    That explains SO MUCH!

  • sezme

    You know when you buy some something, let’s say a “suit for work interviews,” and then everybody is wearing the same thing, including at the very building where you’re interviewing?

    Hey, Jr., tell us the truth: is this what happened at Wonkette world headquarters? And does that mean you had to trek through the desert in your new suit, making small talk with tortoises, while tripping on peyote? Was the tortoise gay?

  • If two gheys blow each other in the woods, does anybody clap?

  • NadePaulKuciGravMcKi

    ZNN thinks they are living in Israel

  • I'm not sure if this is true, but the San Francisco 49ers are the first entirely Gay NFL franchise to win 5 Super bowls. The Denver Broncos and The Gayville Homos are tied for second place with two Super bowls each.

    • Radiotherapy

      Never forget they played in Candlestick Park for years. The Pitt. Steel however have surpassed their total. And the Packers have the most trophies in NFL history.

      • mereoblivion

        Too bad we lost the Oilers, but we'll always have the Packers.

    • Negropolis

      Don't forget the Dallas Gayboys, errr, Cowboys.

  • BZ1

    Isn't the downfister who never seems to comment or reveal itself… peevin' ya off??

  • chascates

    Male figure skaters and female golfers will always win those tests.

  • Editor's Note: Shaun Powell is a veteran sports columnist and seems to know far more, "Glee" trivia than a heterosexualist should know.

  • sati_demise

    We are all gay sports trivia buffs now.

  • TheMeatmaker

    Just when I was giving up on gay men…

  • Negropolis

    The closet door became unhinged lately when a number of gay men in sports decided to turn the knob…

    Cum the fuck on. You can't tell me for a minute that the writer didn't notice this.

  • El Pinche

    “Are you ready for football?!!!!” is the opposite of "green balloons". It means it's ok, shove a can of Bud Light up my ass and pull my pubes like you're the Rock.

  • mereoblivion

    In old country, gays and lesbians test YOU.

  • Buckminster

    "Journalist" fails to measure up. Film at 11.

  • Back in the late 80s, one of my gay friends was a model and got a gig on a teevee spot promoting Monday Night football. He was able to pass as a sportsfan. Apparently, acting all pumped up on alcohol and testosterone isn't very difficult.

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