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Wonkette Jr., everybody! Hooray!

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Hola wonkerados.

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      1. SorosBot

        And that something would be vacuum energy, AKA dark energy and the cosmological constant.

        1. BerkeleyBear

          Does the new revelation of dark planets call dark energy into question? Or am I just so out of touch as to not have a clue what I'm saying?

          1. SorosBot

            They still don't comprise anywhere near as much mass as the stars and gas clouds we can see do, much less the amount needed for dark matter – about five times as much as the normal matter we know of. And dark energy isn't related.

  1. Barb

    In high school he was "obviously gay?" What is "obviously gay?" "Hey Chuck, I am going to go to the malt shop, what cha gonna do?" "Go suck a dick, obviously."

    1. Biel_ze_Bubba

      This mashup sort of sucks, but where can you go with such limited material?
      (From the actual video: "In high school, I was obviously boring… It does not get better…" )

      Coming on the heels of the Gingrich, Trump, and Ahnold snarkfests, poor old T-Paw has essentially zero chance of capturing anyone's attention — even the Wonketeers are all going "Come on, give us some material … we're dyin' here."

  2. pinkocommi

    In a better world, people would be proud to be gay and in the closet about being conservative. In a perfect world, there would be no conservatives at all.

      1. Ducksworthy

        Methinks it twere the latter. Although the PP is a right wing house organ of 3M some of the younger staffers still have souls.

  3. freakishlywrong

    The next fuckstick that goes after the mother fucking teleprompter should have them shattered repeatedly at every speech, every where.

  4. Barb

    Dear Downfister,
    We found Wonkette Jr in a basket on our doorstep this morning and we are trying to keep them with us. They are skittish and you aren't helping anything. Adoption is always hard at first. Please, allow us this chance to bond with the new wee one.

    Okay, back to drawing straws to see who's gonna breastfeed. I'm going to go start some water on the stove to boil the nipples.

      1. flamingpdog

        but still a little slower on the downthumb than usual. I guess Mom didn't feed him enough Sugar Pops for lunch.

    1. Nothingisamiss

      Barb, I'm willing to follow you, but my nipples really like room temperature.

  5. BaldarTFlagass

    Did I see the national debt counter there at fucking ZERO? That sure makes me want to vote for him.

  6. Texan_Bulldog

    Didn't MN's legislature just vote to ban gay marriage? Very timely, Wonkette Jr. Nicely played. Was MN getting jealous of AZ and TN and thought they needed to hate the gays more? Needs more lutefisk.

    1. JustPixelz

      The legislature put a referendum on a one-man-one-woman amendment on the ballot. Like CA Prop 8 … I think. I suppose there will be an exception so Michele Bachman can stay married to her fabulous husband.

    2. horsedreamer_1

      This is Good news for… ESPN Page 2 Grand Poobah & noted WNBA hater Bill Simmons!

  7. SorosBot

    And of course the ad has a shot of T-Paw playing hockey. What's with this dude's hockey obsession?

    1. Barb

      Well, he's more "Lois" than "Clark" and can't play sports. If you can't be an athlete, be like T-Paw and be an athletic supporter.

    2. Boojum_Reborn

      He likes clutching a big stick while running into men. It makes him giggle deliriously.

  8. PuckStopsHere

    He wasn't playing hockey. He was skating backwards for about a foot and a half while (clumsily) hanging on to a hockey stick hoping it might break his inevitable fall. Somebody ought to give him a two-hander to the throat (please, let it be me). Now that's hockey. Additionally and furthermore, he's from Minnesota. They don't even have a team.

    1. horsedreamer_1

      Minnesota Wild since the late 90s, if not mistaken. But no titles for them. North Stars, later Stars, then Dallas Stars, "won" one in '99.

  9. smokefilledroommate

    OT but funny true story: For the crapture, I took a shirt, shorts and a pair of shoes from a pile of clothes we were giving to Goodwill and positioned them outside neatly by the curb to look like someone was 'raptured' in front of our house.. The next morning, the shoes were gone; someone had taken them! (I would have left some canned food and a twenty out there as well if I knew the person was that much in need)…

  10. elviouslyqueer

    Okay, I admit that I would like to, just once, fuck Tim Pawlenty with Lindsey Graham's boyfriend's dick. But overall, that's just a big old boring slab of DO NOT WANT.

  11. DustBowlBlues

    Maybe Wonkette Junior is a series of audtions? Jim loosening up from Gawker restrictions to test whether he can be wonkette funny and clever again? (I do miss the ginger.)

  12. BaldarTFlagass

    I think this guy should put on a command helmet and pose in the turret of an M-1 Abrams main battle tank. It's worked before.

  13. mariser

    oh the son of a bitch.
    the shameless fucker.

    DIAF, you worthless piece of…pawlenty

  14. hagajim

    I didn't watch the video cause work won't let me….but was that T-Paw doing his tornado flyover of Joplin? That's what I mean when I say T-Paw is gonna bring it biyatches!

  15. James Michael Curley

    Showing a Corvette and an Escalade going down the street sure say; "Man of the People."

    1. MittsHairHelmet

      No idea what The Cure reference is but thanks for making me look so knowledgeable.

  16. Ducksworthy

    Oh and BTW, Target Corp. gave big bucks to the rabid homophobe in last year's gubernatorial race who, ironically, is a known Kochsucker. Go figure.

  17. RedneckMuslin

    What? To be honest, I didn't get this video. What is it? Is it fake? Is Tpaw gay? WTF is going on around here?

  18. Veritas78

    Wow. The Republicans are going to nominate their first openly gay candidate, Tim Pawlenty? Nixon will be soooooo pissed.

  19. Doktor Zoom

    Even if Pawlenty were gay, he wouldn't be a flaming homosexual. He'd be more of a right-around-room-temperature homosexual.

    1. Negropolis

      So, what you're saying is that if he was a gay porn star, his name would be Luke Warm?

  20. wokeupliberal

    I don't get it. I mean, is calling Pawlenty gay supposed to be a bad thing? I feel like the only one who is sitting there at the end of the movie waiting for the rest of it.

  21. donner_froh

    T-Paw couldn't convince me he or anything about him will get better if he showed up with a million dollars in one hand and big bag of dope in the other.

  22. Boojum_Reborn

    Pawlenty is the glob of dried semen and spit left on the corner of your mouth after messy, unhygenic oral sex.

    1. Nothingisamiss

      Really, he's so boring, you can't do a santorum on him. I'm thinking more like "Newt's the glob…" etc.

      1. Boojum_Reborn

        True, but polenta, which is also boring, looks kind of like that dried semen-spit residue and sounds like Pawlenty.

    1. vulpes82

      Oh, god, that would be the one way to make a MST3K NOT funny! Crow and Servo would throw him out an airlock before the short was over.

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