Michelle Obama Slowly Losing Her Mind, Wants To Pick Flowers

First, Michelle Obama lost her marbles and thought it would be a good idea to invite someone named “Common” to the White House. (In case you didn’t hear, this Common person once murdered a bunch of police officers, because he is black.) But now those shenanigans are over, and our FLOTUS just keeps doing and saying crazy things! She’s running all over town, not knowing where she’s going, and she has big plans for a White House renovation -- plans completely separate from her idea to convert the West Wing into her own personal Camp Hope, complete with daily weigh-ins.

Sometimes, when Michelle Obama wants to pretend to be a regular human being, she tells Barack Obama to take her out on a date. But they can't just go out on a regular date, you see.

While engaging in a little small talk with Mary Sorteberg, wife of Sen. Merkley, D-Ore., during a service event with Congressional spouses at the Joint Base Anacostia-Bolling in Washington, D.C., this afternoon, Mrs. Obama confessed because of the odd way she and her husband must slip in and out of restaurants, she hardly ever remembers where she’s eaten.

“I try to go to a lot of restaurants here in DC. Not that I remember any of their names. Because I never get to go through the front door,” Mrs. Obama said while painting park bench with children and a small group of congressional spouses.

So, our First Lady is not allowed to go in the front door of restaurants? Doesn’t Common have a song about that?

Mrs. Obama said that there is one way of finding out what restaurants she’s visited.

“The papers know -- they always know,” the first lady said of newspapers reporting her every dining choice. “I always read about myself, what I did.”

Clearly, the hopeless fight against obesity and all the other Crazy is really starting to push our FLOTUS to her limit. She's just sitting around, reading about herself, in between ads for discounts on gastric bypass surgery and Taco Bell coupons. But maybe one day soon our FLOTUS will be able to relax and enjoy a new hobby: sitting out in the boiling D.C. sun, cutting roses.

First lady Michelle Obama’s second job, as gardener in chief, could soon be taking up much more of her time—and White House turf. In a move that would put her in Jacqueline Kennedy’s company among first ladies who’ve radically changed the White House and its grounds, plans are being discussed to till up another part of the South Lawn to make way for a garden of flowers she could use to fill vases in the East and West Wings.

Perhaps this is part of some new Michelle Obama-inspired initiative to put Americans back to work through manual labor, in the flower industry. She does like to lead by example, our FLOTUS. [ ABC / US News & World Report ]

 Blair Burke (blairelinor@gmail.com) obsessively follows Michelle Obama's every move for "The FLOTUS Files," which appears every Monday here at your Wonkette.