premature ejaculation

Tim Pawlenty Accidentally Announces His Presidential Campaign

We even asked our brother-in-law who lives in the state where this Tim Pawlenty is supposedly the governor or the state president or whatever, and our brother-in-law was all, “Nope. Haven’t heard of him.”

But our iPhone just beeped with the little pop-up news alert from the New York Times. And instead of being about something fun like killing Osama or the Oscars, it says Tim Pawlenty is running for president. Good luck, Tim! Good luck trying to prove you are not just a rumor.

Why did Tim Pawlenty announce his campaign late on a Sunday night, anyway? It was apparently a mistake.

On the eve of his own planned campaign announcement, Tim Pawlenty released an Internet video declaring that he is running for president because he — unlike President Obama — has the courage to face America’s challenges.

It’s brave to let your kids run your campaign website! [NYT]

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141 comments

  1. WriteyWriterton

    "…he — unlike President Obama — has the courage to face America’s challenges."

    Oh, Tim-Tim, please save us from our cowardly Preznit! And while you're at it, please explain why you left the Minnesota campsite way messier than you found it:

    "Former Republican Governor Blames Pawlenty For State Budget Woes, Describing His Policies As "Gimmicks" And "Deficit Heaven." Longtime Minnesota Republican Gov. Arne Carlson has become one of Pawlenty's harshest budget critics."

    - http://politicalcorrection.org/mobile/factcheck/2

    1. easynewz

      I hereby nominate YawnPlenty as the official title for him. Will someone second the motion?

      Edit: Unless you guys like the anagram 'La Empty Twin' or 'Yawn Melt Pit' ?

  2. straighteight

    Mitch Daniels' family is more important than running for president. Tim Pawlenty hates his kids' guts and fantasizes about his wife losing control of her car and slamming into a tree, so there's nothing keeping Tim Pawlenty from achieving the dream of every entitled white man!

    1. BarackMyWorld

      Wait…what???

      Somehow I missed this…

      Governor Mitch Daniels of Indiana said yesterday that he would not become a candidate for the Republican presidential nomination, telling supporters in an e-mail that concerns from his family were the overriding factor in deciding to stay out of the race.

      “In the end, I was able to resolve every competing consideration but one,’’ Daniels wrote. “The interests and wishes of my family is the most important consideration of all. If I have disappointed you, I will always be sorry.’’
      http://www.boston.com/news/politics/articles/2011

      1. Ducksworthy

        Well. That and the probability that his wife would run off again if he takes his eyes off of her.

    2. Negropolis

      Please, Daniel's career is more important to him than running for president. He's not running not because of his family, but because he's read the tea leaves like the rest of us and knows that it's going to be hard for any Republican to win the presidency, next year.

      Let's stop ascribing noble motives to a man that only looks less crazy/amoral/immoral by comparison. Mitch chose the direction long ago that there would be no way he could ever pull off the evil villian/douchebag character. Doesn't mean he's not one. If there is any Republican candidate or potential candidate that could even be considered a genuinely nice guy, at the moment, it's Jon Huntsman.

      1. BerkeleyBear

        In fairness, Mitch's wife probably was the deciding factor. Her all but invisibility as an "official spouse" wouldn't have flown in a GOP primary fight. Hell, even Nixon had a devoted little wife he could trot out on cue. McCain offered his plastic Barbie up as Ms. Buffalo Chip with her grimacing next to him, Daniels' wife won't even make a political speech when begged to do so by a room full of supporters. When the candidate has the charm (and probably the flavor) of dingy off-white paint, lacking a charasmatic/sympathetic other half is one albatross too many.

        Plus, she abandoned her family for 4 years in the 90s, ditching her kids to marry then divorce some guy in California only to slink back to Mitch. I can only imagine how Newt would go after that, hypocrisy be damned.

        So now Mitch can focus on gutting Indiana's Medicaid program and making the state a subsidiary of a foreign conglomerate (maybe the Corange family out of Switzerland – they've held a number of Indiana based companies over the years).

        1. horsedreamer_1

          Why not Eli Lilly? Daniels owes them, after he walked away with 27 million in 2001.

          1. BerkeleyBear

            Lilly is still (for the moment) US owned – Mitch likes his corporate overlords to be farther away when it comes to subletting state resources.

            Plus, Lilly already owns evertyhing in Indiana it wants – they are such a huge force in the city/state that they don't have to even bribe anyone to get whatever they need/desire (except always winning in federal court, where the judges have jobs for life).

    3. riverside68

      So when Mrs. Daniels ran off to California she tried to take the kids. Mr. Daniels filed sealed papers which convinced the court to deny her custody.

      Then Mr. Daniels tried to get the court to block her from buying a house, they denied this motion.

      I think Mr. Romney's people showed Mr. Daniel's people copies of the sealed papers and suggested he spend more time with his family. End of Story.

    1. glamourdammerung

      Does the bottom of the Mississippi make it count as a "bridge to nowhere"?

      1. riverside68

        "When I was their age we lived in the bottom [of a muddy river] and ate stinking hot poison three time a day."

        You calling my childhood home nowhere?

    2. Negropolis

      That does seem about right, because America's future is looking like it'll be at the bottom of a river.

      We should start building all of our bridges with a 45 degree negative slope, that way, we don't even have to wait for them to rust out and surprise us.

    1. BerkeleyBear

      Turkeys are smarter than this crop. Unless you meant ones Sarah Palin has turned down for a pardon.

  3. Guppy06

    "Wonkette, Jr?" Aren't you a little young to be hanging out near us? Don't your parents know anything about the sex offender registry?

      1. PsycWench

        I figured it was the spawn of AMC, the original Wonkette, but seems like she'd still be in elementary school.

          1. horsedreamer_1

            If my family is any guide, the child will do a 180. Where Ana was all about open anal, the progeny will be so far in the closet*, s/he will have only Tom Cruise keeping her/him from the wall.

            *Regent University.

  4. KeepFnThatChicken

    President Obama said "You're scrawnier than me," because he — unlike Tim Pawlenty — gots a pair.

  5. AddHomonym

    I just saw Huntsman talk on CSPAN. T-Paw's gonna hafta really put in all the stops to out-boring Huntsman.

    1. Limeylizzie

      Oh Jeesus on Morning Joe they were all lauding Huntsman and saying he could beat Barry. I think Huntsman looks good in photos but strange on tv.

      1. HistoriCat

        Unless Huntsman is going to primary Barry, I'm skeptical. I don't think the Republican party is going to embrace a Mormon who is in favor of an individual mandate – especially one who isn't named Mitt.

        1. Limeylizzie

          He does seem like a fairly reasonable sort, I saw Rocky Anderson, ex-SLC mayor, on MSNBC talking about what a terrific guy Huntsman is, so that will be the death-knell.

          1. AJW@[redacted]

            Rocky drinks teh liquor, doesn't he? That's an endorsement Huntsman may or may not embrace.

          2. horsedreamer_1

            Democrat, too? I ask, since he seemed like a dark horse to get a VP nod, at some point. &, hey, SLC has more people than Alaska

    1. ShaveTheWhales

      Really, this will not be an issue. Where else could he be from than Minnesota? (Or maybe a Dakota).

  6. nounverb911

    Is Pawlenty’s campaign song “Pawlenty’s Bridges are Falling Down”?

    Pawlenty’s Bridges are falling down,
    Falling down, falling down,
    Pawlenty’s Bridges are falling down,
    My fair Lady.

  7. elfgoldsackring

    I heard he was born in Canada: the lack of a chin is a dead giveaway. Where's your long-form, T-Paw? Or should I say… T-Poutine? Henghh?!??!!

  8. flamingpdog

    Needs to stay away from the profile shots, or get the Bristlecone chin surgery.

  9. flamingpdog

    1960's Minnesota: Humphrey and Eugene McCarthy. 2010's Minnesota: Pawlenty and Bachmann. Did Minnesota already die and go to Hell? I can see why Harmon Killebrew gave up medical treatment.

    1. Negropolis

      Minnesota is strange. They seem to have both extremes. In recent years you've had everything from Wellstone to Pawlenty, Coleman to Franken, Ellison to Bachmann, and then you have Ventura, who was a whole other reality entirely unto himself.

      Minnesota's poltics are as extreme as its springtime weather patterns. Snow one day, tornadoes the next. Continental climates are killer, it's why I'm glad at least the Great Lakes moderate the continental climate here in Michigan.

      1. WriteyWriterton

        It's this Upper Midwest Nutball Syndrome. Wisconsin also suffers from it – you have guys like LaFollete and McCarthy breathing the same air, eating the same cheese curds, but BOOM! – to quote J. Madden – you get extremely different politics.

    2. SorosBot

      But they've also given us Franken, pretty much the only Democrat in the Senate who actually has balls (remember that Sanders is a member of the Socialist Party, not the Dems). And Dylan and Prince, that's a good legacy.

  10. MadBrahms

    Does Herman Cain even need to campaign at this point? He could just attach headshots to all of his pizzas and sit back collecting contributions while these morons fight over who can bore America to death fastest.

  11. charlesdegoal

    Hard to stay awake* with news like that. Even the snark tends to be soporific.

    * Please note that I'm commenting at 9:45 a.m. local time.

  12. easynewz

    Forget the long-form birf certificate. It all comes down to height.

    T-Pew is 6'0" vs. Barry at 6'1" for those not using the link thingy.

    Mittens at 6'2" lost as we know to Walnuts, who is 5'7". So it seems to not apply to primary races, unless the 'religion factor' was in play there.

    'Dunno what Cain's height is, but from the pics I've seen he is quite a bit shorter than Ron Paul (6'½").

    1. Limeylizzie

      Does that mean President Mittens? I mean I love a tall man, sorry to my shorter Wonkette brethren but, full disclosure ,I did once have a romance with a jockey, but I don't think that plastic mormon-loving bore could beat Barry.

      1. easynewz

        Roger that (oh, roger means something else in your language). I predict that the magic undies (knickers?) factor will keep Mittens from the lead nomination; maybe a VP slot?

        Also, did you give the jockey quite a run? From your self-described voluptiousness, I picture some mad motorboating going on. Um, you'll have to excuse me a bit. I have to, ah, you know, just take care of something…..

      2. AJW@[redacted]

        Does that mean that toes to toes his nose was in it, or nose to nose his toes…

  13. MilwaukeeKent

    I am SO confused about Tim Pawlenty. Apparently understanding that he has the same bland newscaster/morning news show host boringness of most GOP candidates, he's decided to make his campaign an action movie. Americans like action movies!
    He seems like an intelligent guy you wouldn't mind having a lemonade with at a family reunion where no alcohol was allowed, but he's in the GOP, the current one that sees mere government half-competence as proof of an international Communist conspiracy. I make less than 250k a year and it's difficult to align my interest with theirs, bottom line.

    1. Negropolis

      Tim strikes me as at least halfway decent, but never particularly bright, or at least not intellectually curious. He strikes me as having a second-rate intellect, but with an amiable enough personality to make him a decent manager-type politician. I'd have guessed someone of his intellect as a state senator, maybe the governor of a mid-sized state like Minnesota, but that's about it.

      1. Ducksworthy

        Yea. OK. Halfway decent in a Reinhard Heydrich kind of way. Not bad really, but pretty much willing to do whatever it takes to further his ambitions.

      2. WriteyWriterton

        Supermarket assistant manager. Anything above that is Peter-Principle action.

  14. MilwaukeeKent

    So was it intentional to accidently release the news? Hmmm. The mind wanders. If they pan to his feet, does he have one foot in a spitoon? He's all action vids but is it pratfall in the long run? Absent Daniels, Huckabee or Ryan [White Bread Alert] what do they have?
    Herman Cain, he fits! Hell, he's even got that genuine slave-blood — we can sell that! [irony] Counter a Black with a Black, right? worked with Steele…(clears throat).
    Okay, Jindal. He's certifiably ethnic. Hell, he's even an anchor baby, we can sell that in the Latino community if we keep that angle right there and the base looks the other way.
    Well, okay, there's Romney…Is Harold Stassen still alive? Wait…

  15. Beetagger

    He should grow a beard and snort coke off a hooker's tits. That'll make him stand out.

    1. riverside68

      It is my understanding that republican hookers don't have much in the way of tits.

      If they want tits they use the staff's, being fiscally responsible and all.

  16. wehojoel

    Where do I get one of those cupcakes that Tim was talking about? I want a cupcake for my vote!

  17. Negropolis

    I have a bad feeling about this. Looks like America's about to be Pawed to death.

    One can only hope that him sending out the video Sabbath will automatically disqualify him with the base.

    1. BerkeleyBear

      Yes it is – he thought it was "regular guy humor." That was about the same time he talked about how much he loves to watch homoerotic displays (hockey fights) on the web, over and over.

      Basically, he's an idiot.

  18. JustPixelz

    "…he — unlike President Obama — has the courage to face America’s challenges."

    He'll have to get past the Repubicans in Congress first. They've shown no willingness to face any challenges* that occur outside a woman's lady parts.

    _______________________
    * challenges = anything they don't like

    1. glamourdammerung

      It is all about crying about President Obama on a personal level because we all know that they have nothing to offer other than the same policies of theirs that have failed to work since Reagan.

  19. Naked_Bunny

    Whoa! Let's back up and spend more time on that "killing the Oscars" idea, Junior.

  20. cheetojeebus

    This boring dude will have it in the bag if he can find a little known MILF governor or state representative, full of patent republican hubris, hopefully half black with a big rack, little to no policy knowledge (so he can school her) and speaking of school, she should wear wireframe vaguely chic expensive glasses so as to look smart. It worked before why not again?

  21. neiltheblaze

    I guess T-Paw felt emboldened to announce his candidacy now that he knows for sure he's not being raptured up into heaven with the rest of the phony Christians. Too bad Fred Thompson isn't running. That might fool people into thinking Tim actually has a pulse.

  22. Monsieur_Grumpe

    Surprise!
    Not really.

    If Timmy runs on his record this will be a short, limping jog. Pawlenty has left a big stinking fiscal mess here in Minnesota all so he could say at his kickoff time "I didn't raise taxes".

    Wonkette Jr?????
    Is Sara's kid writing already?

    1. Negropolis

      Ha! Good one, Limey!

      If so, I'll take a Wonkette, Jr. w/bacon. Oh, and extra sarcasm, please.

  23. ThundercatHo

    This weekend, Michele Bachmann called herself and TPaw the "Minnesota Twins".

    Pawlenty/Bachmann 2012

    Blunder Twin Powers Activate!!!

  24. Ducksworthy

    Also, the embodiment of the banality of evil. Boring little Nazi bureaucrat of the fiscal devastation that is now Minnesota. Also.

  25. FlownOver

    So we're agreed — he's the Least Interesting Man in the World. Do we have to pay royalties to Dos Equis?

    At least we can have a contest. My entry: He watches Chuck Norris movies for the acting.

    1. Chet Kincaid

      His testicles recede whenever He looks in a mirror.

      Growing grass watches HIM.

      Doctors prescribe His life story as a sleep aid.

      He's had work done on His elbows.

  26. Chet Kincaid

    These Republican "candidates" remind me of the time Rolling Stone ran little floating head pictures of all the members of all the 70s midwestern hard rock bands and nobody could tell who the fuck they were. Their music, also.

    1. WriteyWriterton

      Hey, Chet! O/T: Sox are doing better.

      On topic, same for all the 80s glamor-hair bands.

  27. elviouslyqueer

    Hahaha, about 1:45 in to Pawlenty's fapfest, he riffs on John Edward's "son of a millworker" meme. And we know how well that ended.

      1. horsedreamer_1

        Not when Lake Woebegone is only sustaining itself as a dependent of big government largesse (NPR).

  28. Redhead

    "he is running for president because he — unlike President Obama — has the courage to face America’s challenges."

    Really dude? You probably should have used this line BEFORE Obama had Bin Laden killed.

    But the more important question – who is Wonkette Jr? Is SKS's baby typing already?

  29. SilverTsunami

    I always confuse his name with Polenta. If it were Tim Polenta, I might vote for him.

  30. user-of-owls

    He should have made the announcement at National Institute for Fitness and Sport.

  31. betweenstations

    Next, let's have a 'smoking hot wife' debate between all the wives of the candidates, including Michele and her gunshow, Todd Palin, Marcus 'not gay' Bachmann, and Mary Pawlenty.

    Pudding must be involved.

  32. mrblifil

    I, unlike President Obama, have the courage to watch bridges crumble before my eyes, and in turn say all kinds of cold shit about the least among us. While fighting the gas tax to improve roads and repair bridges! To the point where the legislature had to override my vetoes. BRAVERISM!

  33. mrblifil

    Jr., huh? How old are we talking? Seriously. I know Ken gets brought in on statutory charges a fair amount, and it's all fun n' games n' hail-fellow-well-met down in the holding area. But it's not exactly my idea of a "night on the town." Might it not be prudent to request to see a birth certificate? Pretty please?

  34. wokeupliberal

    Pawlenty is so boring and milquetoast and fundamentally awful that it isn't even funny when you say funny things about him. Like laughing at a dead fish.

  35. Negropolis

    What's that, Lassie?! Timmy's nascent presidential campaign is at the bottom of the Mississippi River in downtown Minneapolis?!…Good.

  36. ttommyunger

    "Tim Pawlenty Accidentally Announces His Presidential Campaign!"
    As reported in "Zzzzzzzzz" Magazine.

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