Life was kind of fun, here on Earth! Wasn’t it? Not that much? Did we squander a pretty nice setup, here on this planet? Whoops. Oh well, maybe Jesus will forgive us, in space. Let’s liveblog the nationwide roll-out of Death Quakes from California to the East Coast and everywhere in between. Alaska and Hawaii — and, we suppose, “Guam” — are already drowned by now. Oh wait, we’re doing this backwards. It’s 9 o’clock in DC right now! And while Alaska certainly deserves it, there are likely a few innocent people even up there. Maybe. Whoa the ground is feeling all rumbly and the birds have crummies in their tummies right here on the Pacific Coast!
5:58 PM — No, that was just some asshole on an off-road motorcycle about a mile away. Saturdays in the desert. We’ll go unload a shotgun on him, later. (Haha, not really. That would be violent. We just called the sheriff. They’ll make the meth-arrest quota today for sure!)
5:59 PM — The sky is a little hazy around Mt. San Gorgonio, but it’s always like that at this time a day, with the diffused sunlight and a little ozone escaping from the Los Angeles metropolis. Earthquake weather!
6:00 PM — Hmm.
6:12 PM — You think maybe Allah doesn’t know about Daylight Savings Time?
6:12 PM — Daylight Savings Time is def. not in the Holy Bible.
6:13 PM — So Arizona should happen right at 6 o’clock there, because Arizona doesn’t celebrate Daylight Savings Time because Arizona is against Evolution.
6:13 PM — Oh jesus, but now we can’t remember if that means it should be 6 p.m. already in Arizona, or if it’s in an hour. Why didn’t we study Greek in college?!?!? Oh right, we did not go to college. This is why we’re so challenged, educationally. Also time goes in the other direction, so Arizona is either falling into “the sea” right now or …. eh, who cares.
6:15 PM — Uh oh, we just got an email from Sara Benincasa’s iPhone and she’s doing some blog lecture event on the same stage as Andrew Breitbart. So that’s kind of proof the world is ending … because Sara’s going to shove Breitbart back down a toilet where he belongs.
6:17 PM — If you’re wondering where that woodcut of The Devil (aka Old Scratch, the Dark Woodsman, Davy Jones, El Diablo, Satan, Cheney, Mephistopheles, Voland, He Who Must Not Be Named, the Dark Lord of the Sith, Lucifier, and Old Hob) came from, it was found on another Wonkette End of the World post, back when the world was supposed to end on August 22, 2006. Good lord, we’ve been writing these same posts since 2006, right here on the Wonkette.
6:26 PM — Interesting, that post mentioned above is one of the first times we called the Housing Collapse, 8/22/2006 Never Forget RIP Thug Life Forevah:
Existing home sales hit a 2-1/2-year low in the United States, while the number of unsold houses on the market hit a record high. This is actually horrifying. Excuse us, we have to call the real-estate lady about that “reduced price” idea.
6:27 PM — Well, it’s time to walk our dog, “Black Dog,” aka Old Scratch, the Dark Woodsman, Davy Jones, El Diablo, Satan, Cheney, Mephistopheles, Voland, He Who Must Not Be Named, the Dark Lord of the Sith, Lucifier, and Old Hob. We will continue the apocalypse live blog Rapture Spectacular when we get back in an hour or so. Every part of America should be in the sea by then, except for “Guam,” probably.
6:30 PM — We are using the Pacific Time Zone, because it’s “going to happen at 6 p.m. everywhere,” plus it’s so scary that way.
6:31 PM — Oh wait, he totally gave his own prediction a “save,” first we’ve heard of this: “In Camping’s description of Judgment Day, the Earth would be wrenched in a great earthquake and many inhabitants would perish in the coming months, until the planet’s total destruction on October 21.” Gah, so a summer of bullshit awaits us, but maybe by Halloween all the Christians will have given up and found a better religion. May we suggest “Buddhism”?
8:32 PM — Well, so much for the Rapture. Back to whatever we do on Saturday Nights in America! (Sit on the couch and lookit the teevee, probably?)
{ 524 comments }
The Earth quaked for me earlier. It was only the "petite death"
Petit mort is rapturous! You go, girl. http://www.newscientist.com/article/mg21028124.60...
So there actually was a second coming?
In the afterlife, Hitachi Magic Wands will be cordless and purse-sized
There is a purse-sized edition, but it still has a cord.
Dang, Barb. Sorry I wasn't there for you.
No one was. I was alone and with someone I love. Thanks for being there for me though.
"You're soaking in it"
~ Palmolive Marge
Classic! Thanks!
+1 internets to you. sir. or madam. what are you wearing?
Hervé Villechaise ? No wait, he would be le petit mort, ah gender agreement.
Z'avion, z'avion!
Every time we tell a joke on Wonkette, we die a little.
But, an angel gets it's wings.
Carly Simon?
So your boyfriend is Ernest Hemingway?
It's 6:12 PST. I'm beginning to think this whole apocalypse thing might be bullshit.
I stayed indoors anyway – with the sky potentially full of naked, frightened people, let's just say it's bad enough getting bird shit in your hair…
Feeling 'specially vulnerable without their Hoverounds for companionship.
All's well in hell… I mean, Oklahoma. There's a big thunderstorm heading this way with maybe some giant hail. So all in all the usual May 21st.
I saw the lightning over there. Looks like you guys are about to get whacked. Here in our town with the convict mayor, everything is quiet, so I guess the Baptists were right about this guy from the start. The Apocalypse missed us. And the storm.
Some rain – no hail or high wind.
Ha! I heard about the convict mayor. At least he was honest enough to commit his crime before getting elected.
And then you're in the man from Mars.
Jesus is waiting.
Can't find one of the cats. Damn, it was the "good" one, too.
Do you live in coyote country? Cats make tasty meals for them.
"Do you live in coyote country? Cats make tasty meals for them."
I've heard that mountain lions also eat housecats, which just seems wrong.
Don't worry. Your cat is not in Heaven, probably just caught in a bear trap or something. Because it turns out pets can't go to heaven! (God is such an asshole.) Enter the miracle of the market. A guy set up a service that — for only $135 per pet — would take care of your pet afterwards. For realz: http://eternal-earthbound-pets.com/ Fuck me for not thinking of this first.
"All Dogs Go to Heaven" wasn't a documentary?
If my friends aren't going to be there then I'm not going.
Yet another reason I have given up on middle eastern fairy tales for guidance in my daily affairs. If there isn't fur upholstered friends in heaven, fuck it. Most cats and almost all dogs are more moral and possessed of a "soul" than most of the assholes out there spouting off about how god allows this but not that etc. I share Mark Twains thoughts as regards what heaven must be like. (Shorter version: picture every off key hack in the universe in 24/7 hymn mode for Jeebus-hellish enough for you?).
I am ashamed to say it but I went to the rapture website to see if they updated it to say, "we were wrong"
404 "Not Found" — The requested page could not be found, as it may have been raptured. Or perhaps it was eaten by bears. These things happen.
Is there any reason we can't start our own church? You know, to predict the end of the world and collect donations.
We should call it "St Mattress of the Springs"
Or Maybe "Ste Chicken of the Sea" or "Sweetest Heart of Gary/Harry/Terry" or "The Immaculate Contraption" or "The Most Blessed Sacrilege"
The Church of the Presumptuous Assumption
With the angel Moran-i as one of our guiding spirits.
Church of the Immaculate Deception
Woot! Woot! Funding option for teh Wonkettes! Think about it, Ken.
(I mean, of course, the The Most Reverend Snarky Holiness Father Baba Aba Sri Sathya Sai Layne. Puke up one smallish live frog per year and you'll have my tithings.)
I saw his face in a dish of Betty Crocker Au Gratin Potatoes. Will that suffice? Yeah. I thought so.
Don't forget tax deductions and subsidies from Obama (just the same as from Georgie-girl).
If only one of every 10,000 visitors gives them a dollar, it will have been all worth it for them.
"St. Jemimah, the Patron Saint of Breakfast".
It's 6:54 E.S.T. and that's starting to sound good.
Ha ha, you should know that CONservatives never admit they were wrong…
"to see if they updated it to say, "we were wrong" "
People like that never think they're wrong; I think they're actually incapable of it.
If they're glaringly proven wrong, they come up with increasingly bizarre and far-fetched rationalizations about how they weren't *really* wrong, gawwwd was testing them, or some such shit, with all the creativity and mental agility that they lack under every other circumstance.
It's sunny, breezy and 81°. Just rode some sweet waves.
Yeah…we are all in Heaven.
That's sure true on a SoCal beach. Where were you at? Hopefully not Huntington. That's the closest beach to hell in OC.
Salt Creek…the place we, who actually live in HB, go to the beach.
So, Ken, you don't like looking at a huge powerplant when you surf? Just wait 'till we get the desalinization plant.
Surf City, USA USA! USA!!!11!!1
Downfister didn't get raptured. That proves something, doesn't it?
Proves that God is not an idiot, I suppose.
6:21 PST. The world can end on a happy note, the Yankees are winning for the moment.
Isn't that a sad note for everyone who doesn't live in New York? Well unless they're playing the Red Sox; the only way those games could end happily is with a meteor hitting the stadium.
I would have no problem if Texas takes Boston with it when it secedes.
MUST … KEEP … THUMB … AWAY … FROM DOWNFIST BUTTON.
I couldn't do it. Sorry. Fuckin Yankees. My teams lost 2 in a row in, of all places, Pittsburgh in honor of Steuf.
Fuck the Yankees, anyway. Rooting for the Yankees is like rooting for
General MotorsGoldman Sachs.silly goyim…
Spit-take!
Well Revelations is all about Goyim, going, gone now isn't it? It seems reasonable after reading the rantings of Johnny Patmos that he was seriously into ergotted rye.
The end of the world turned out to be quite a disappointment.
I happened to be in NYC and wandered down to Hell's Kitchen to wait. That way if the end came I'd already be in place. And in a nice restaurant.
Don't tell me I'm going to look stupid for spending all this money on Glenn Beck's survivalist package. Dammit, the crisis garden is just starting to takeoff.
My crisis garden is full of arugula, and Jerusalem artichokes.
It's an existential hippy food crisis garden.
Reporting from Canada. Everything here is gone. Just totally gone. We've been raptured up the wazoo. Goodbye my friends.
Oh never mind. Looks like the antenna just got unplugged. My bad.
Easy sezme, the Canucks will re-group on Sunday and be up 3-1.
Ganesh is FRESH!
Damn you Stephan Humper. Damn you.
You should have never lost Kbeck.
WORST. RAPTURE. EVER.
That's what she said. Or he said.
It's 9:30 here in Montreal, and I don't think ANYONE has been raptured. Fuck you, American Jesus.
Got to repent of the poutine . . .
but not la putain …
Jesus is coming, he's just stuck in line over at Schwartz's
Hey! Is Montreal even in America???
Ha-ha, that's what you get for voting for Stephen Harper!
Haha, Silly! I didn't vote. I was born in America, and we don't do such trivial things.
Oh yeah, blame it on the US birth… show me your long form!
Give me two-and-a-half years.
Hey, Canadian Jesus ain't much better. He's just a bit more passive-aggressive, that's all.
"here in Montreal, and I don't think ANYONE has been raptured"
Serves you right for having socialized health care.
Jesus only really cares about what's happening in America, anyway. 'Cause, god bless America (and nowhere else).
hey there, I was just gettin' ready to apply for my Canuckistani green card (or whatever the fuck you call 'political asylum' up there?!)
Earlier this evening, I saw someone had laid out a set of kids' clothes on the sidewalk to mess with the fuckwits and had a chuckle.
It's 9:25 here in OH-IO and all's well. It did cloud up and rain around 6pm but that's ok since it's been raining everyday for the last month. Damn, I was really hoping to get out my mother's stupid bridal shower and wedding. Ugh.
Your MOTHER is getting married?
About time, I guess.
Yes, she is 83 and the groom is 73. They met at ballroom dancing lessons and are planning some kind of choreographed dance at giant country club reception. I'm sure the "Fucking Seriously?" expression will be frozen on my face for at least 48 hours.
It was so crazy here on the right coast that I didn't even check my blind spot while changing lanes on the beltway…and how about those gas prices?! Through the roof I tell ya.
Maybe someone intervened on the world's behalf?
Matcho fatcho for the win.
Truly, this was the son of God.
I met him -Macho Man- not Jesus-at one of Clinton Easter egg Rolls
Uh oh Grimsvotn volcano just erupted. See, they were right!!1!
Sarah Palin just bought a house in North Scottsdale, AZ. Guess she had advance word.
♫ "Closer, my Bristle to me, closer to meeee". ♫
But Brisket's moving to L.A. to do that reality show. Oh…wait…I get it. Bristol moves to Arizona…Sarah follows…Bristol moves to L.A….Sarah buys a house in Brentwood…Bristol moves to Dallas…Sarah buys a house in Fort Worth…
Let's hope that Brisdull buys a house in the Bermuda Triangle.
Bristol is trying to tell you something, mom.
(There's hope for that little slut yet.)
How stupid is Lou Sarah? Bristle is always one step ahead of her.
I'm waiting for Bris to make her speech in favor of gay marriage, amnesty for illegals, separation of church and state, gun control, and free cosmetic surgery for all. On NPR.
If the sex I just had was any indication, being a post-rapture fornicating sinner kicks ass. Time to loot!
Man, you say that *every* time you have sex. And every time, I have to sit in front of my TV and stereo, looking nervously out the window.
He sounds like god, so be quiet.
Just remember, if you're Jewish you have to wait til after sundown, NO LOOTING ON SHABBOS! http://www.zeek.forward.com/articles/117281/
That is very helpful, Les. Thanks. It's good to know that " it’s not stealing if the owners have been raptured, since there is certainly ye’ush on their part if they’ve been taken up, it is hefker. But I believe you cannot acquire hefker property on shabbat either. Besides which, most of the stuff you’d probably want to loot will be muktze."
I hope that you did as I, and not screamed, "oh God, I'm……" I didn't want to tempt fate.
Game, set. match!
…waiting for the other black-and-white Nike Windrunner to drop…
Here's a secret: I know when the world is really gonna end. It'll end sometime around the year 5,000,000,000 CE, when the sun expands into a red giant and engulfs Mercury, Venus, Earth, and maybe Mars (that may be spared). Only it's not a secret, but the fate of the Earth as proven by science but is denied by morons who believe in fairy tales who generally believe it'll end a lot sooner..
I read about that when I was like 7 years old. I was depressed about it for weeks. I was a weird kid.
Hey, you were gonna live forever at that age. That whole Apocalypse thing put a serious damper on your play time.
It is nice to know I was not the only one.
Red giant? Like this? http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EcdPPd9nEwQ
Geez, that's almost a Rick-roll…
Gah! 60s novelty songs are my kryptonite.
Trotsky, another Red Giant, would appreciate this.
Silly, Sorosbot. While the earth will still be here, we'll be long gone. We'll have either been hit by an asteroid, or made the earth completely uninhabitable, in which case we'll either just find some other planet to slowly destroy or we'll never make it off this rock alive. So, I don't much care if the sun gets the munchies and eats us.
Whew! At first glance I read that as 5,000,000 CE.
(Not the oldest joke in the world, but perhaps the most postdated).
Um, it apears the 91-year-old-pastor may have made a slight misreading of the scriptures. http://mylifeviewsentertainment.blogspot.com/2011...
RECALCULATING!
Carry the fucking two this time, already!
Jesus. I thought you engineers were suppose to be good at math.
Probably one of those tricky rounding errors in his Excel spreadsheet.
Stupid Garmin.
That's what you get for selecting "minimize freeways" on a 7,000-year trip.
There were a few folks in front of that preacher's Oakland (CA) radio station carrying signs. One said "Wrong Before – in '94."
Now they can carry one that says "2011 – We Didn't Go to Heaven."
Well, this local rapture may have been a bust, but I hear Jupiter is nice this time of year. Who's for putting a plastic bag over our heads and going off in the spaceship?
If you have to cut off your genitals first, then NO thank you.
You won't need them on Jupiter.
With 200x gravity, believe me, you won't want them on Jupiter.
Sorry, I can't find my black nikes.
"Who's for putting a plastic bag over our heads and going off in the spaceship?"
Can I put a plastic bag over someone else's head?
I can't believe it. The number of cars and RVs heading to Ocean City today is exactly "a real lot!" I thought that with the Rapture on tap people would stay at home dressed in sack cloth and ashes and prepare for the ride up (assuming they were among the lucky ticket holders). But no, they all went to a spring weekend at The Beach and enjoyed the car show to boot.
I'm sure that the fact that it finally has stopped raining and the sun has appeared had nothing to do with it… Heathen Amun Ra worshipers!
Which OC, the one where booze is allowed or the dry one where everyone smuggles their booze in from the mainland?
Ocean City New Jersey is the one where there's huge department stores of alcohol on every approach to the city. Oh, wait…
I had no problem buying alcohol in OC. At JR's Tavern, I believe. Right up the street from the bro-in-law's house on highway 9. Caroline's isn't too bad, either. You can see Sin City (AC) from the deck.
This is the way the world ends
This is the way the world ends
This is the way the world ends
Not with a bang but a whimper.
And not today.
Some say the world will end in fire,
Some say in ice.
But not today.
And what rough beast, its hour come round at last,
Slouches towards Bethlehem to be born?
But not today.
When the going gets weird, the weird turn pro.
Well, that could happen most any day.
"NOT TODAY, ZURG!"
I came all the way from Phelpsland to Sin Francisco for this, and f**kin' nothing! Somebody needs to primary my representative over this, for sure!
An hour after the Rapture and Newt Gingrich is still here.
Surprise, surprise.
Here's what it will look like during the Rapture:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aHA_S48KRrI
I'm surprised this wasn't used in "Batman" (the TV series), or at least in "Austin Powers."
“Ghost World.” Amazing movie.
Whoa! Now that's some Holy Rollers, and they seem to be singing in tongues, too! Also.
V, I know you didn't mean this Raffi. No, don't even bother, when the kids were little, daddy played Link Wray. Martini's up.
If Bollywood, would you?
Can’t quit watching that thing. Jaan pehechan ho!
Oh God that was awesome. That was better than space travel with Jesus. And I loved the part at the end where he didn't have a mask and we discovered that he was Clark Gable. Although it was quite a continuity error.
Now I'm going to go shake my head really fast and see if I can make my eyes spin 360 degrees in their sockets. Being stood up by Jesus doesn't mean I can't have fun on a Saturday night.
I was jus watching this very vid about a week ago! Luv it. here's more heathens enjoying the apocalypse:
http://youtu.be/MHF558u6Q_8
I love Sam the Sham & the Pharoahs! Pretty sure I saw the original live (dubbed) performance of that on "Shindig" or "Hullaballoo."
ORT (Off Rapture Topic)
You know…the female dancers were certainly not skinny minnies like we would see today. They had some substance and yet still hoofed the fuck out of that dance. That was fun.
Yeah that sultry vixen lead dancer has nailkeg legs. But she needs 'em to keep steady while she's flailing her head around like that.
That's something of a let-down…. I was really, really counting on this: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yuJxYmJlEHY
Very nice, but a tad too competent.
Fuck. What do i do with my inventory down here in the bunker. I am surrounded by #10 cans of green beans and saurkraut.
Shoulda got more booze! What were you thinking?
You'll clean-up with a quick investment in gas futures.
Yes indeed. I hope this bunker has ventilation.
You could predict the end of the world is coming on, say, July 13th. Then sell your inventory on e-bay: "Rapture Ready MREs" I have no doubt you'lll have plenty of bids from the true Xtians..
Rapture Ready MREs are this generation's Billy Beer.
All is quiet in Seattle.
Good to know while I'm stuck here in Coos Bay, while my wife is out with number 2 son and # 1 granddaughter at an Uncle Bonsai show at Triple Door.
Uncle Bonsai still exists? Holy shit, there's a blast from my 80's past. I think my band opened for them a couple times, or vice versa, or maybe both. I distinctly remember me and Duffy Bishop forcing our way onstage one night at the Owl to join them in "Penis Envy." Then after there was this thing at an art gallery in Ballard that ended with omelettes at Hatie's Hat.
Sigh. Seattle, pre-grunge. I guess you had to be there.
Lascaux were you a Rhythm Dog? We used to go see Duffy and the Dawgs a lot, a whole lot back in the day.
Probably at Parker's on 99, right?
Nonono, Not a Rhythm Dog, but my band kept bumping into them in our cozy little club scene. The Owl, the 5-0, Central Tavern, The Firehouse, OK Hotel, Hollywood Underground, frat parties, even some of those mostly CW/Metal clubs down in Kent and Renton. Only times I played Parker's was when I was in the house band at KOMO TV, and we'd have 'battle of the bands' every year at the local Emmys. Lotta good fun and friendly competition.
Can I start burning Bibles now, or wait until when?
Smoke 'em, if ya got 'em…
Failed Camping is a failure.
Camping is always a win. My worst day camping beats my best day at home. I want to be shed of throw rugs, furnace filters, yards and roofs forever!
I get your reference, but…..
Yeah, I tried, but it the end, it had to be written that way.
In truth, I didn't get your reference until after I had posted my rant about camping. I'm taking off again Tuesday and I've just got it on the brain. I'm so sick of civilization I could just shit!
God: REJECT!!!
At least maybe now my tomatoes will get to ripen.
If ya know what I mean. *wink, wink*
Now I wish I hadn't eaten that under ripe pear. Turns out, I coulda' waited until it was ripe.
Some say the world will end in fire,
Some say in ice.
From what I've tasted of desire
I hold with those who favor fire.
But if it had to perish twice,
I think I know enough of hate
To say that for destruction ice
Is also great
And would suffice.
Spoiler alert: if you're talking about Earth, it's fire; but if you want to know about the entire universe, it's ice.
Kurt said it would be Ice-9 that kills us all.
Actually, I favor "mice"; specifically, white mice that have a problem with the number 42.
Wait a minute, my neighbors aren't home, and they didn't say they were going anywhere.
Half-price Rapture Special down at Big Joe's Ribs & Hoveround Emporium.
Go get the shit you want outta their house.
"VALERIEEEEEE!" – Harold Camping
"Well, you're the one that signed off on the proofs."
– Valerie
10:26pm: Well, here in Noo Yawk, about three blocks away from Debbie "Rapture" Harry's building, it's no more hell than it usually is.
Actually, it is a little more hell-like, since they've re-routed the open-top double-decker tour buses onto my normally quiet street, so I guess it's time to invest in a SuperSoaker and cat pee. Anyone know where I can buy discount cat pee?
From my discounted cat.
Does your cat eat asparagus? 'Cuz you know what they say about asparagus.
Not to disparage those of the feline persuasion, but I was really hoping the Downfisty McTrolls would volunteer, since they are the biggest pussies around.
At the A & Pee?
Speaking of Debbie "Rapture" Harry, I found this on the intertubes last night. It may be a sign of the apocalypse yet to come. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dnhKPw2NXIw
So, about this announcement regarding Wonkette's future…or was Jack trolling us just like Hal Camping trolled the entire planet?
Ken's not going to tell us, obvs. So carpe diem, my dear Pres! Love every post as if it were our last.
This thou perceiv'st, which makes thy love more strong,
To love that well, which thou must leave ere long.
whatever, with a tad more effort you could publish this and get off the food stamps.
Look this is just a minor setback for evangelists, they'll get the date right.
They have Top Men working on it right now.
A highly trained team of arithmeticians and calendarologists is working as we speak.
Men from TEPCO and BP?
Top. Men.
Raiders of the Lost Ark reference FTW.
Camping's rival, Brother Stair, has been mocking him for weeks. He should give Stair his radio station, Stair says.
Okay that earns the requisite "Stair–Way to Heaven" joke.
http://www.overcomerministry.org for Bro Stair, the “Last Days Prophet ofGod” and craziest preacher in America!
"They have Top Men working on it right now. "
And let me tell you, they can't believe what they're finding.
Just last night listened to Art Bell from late 90's where some Bible Thumper Charlatan explained that our DNA has degraded, so that's why we can't marry our sister anymore like in the Bible…
Has antbody called for a taxi lately. My fear was that Campbell had the right day and the wrong religion. I expected taxi's all over the country to be abandoned with towels laying on the drivers seat.
I live in a highly diverse neighborhood. I can attest that Christians, Jews, Hindus, Muslims, and a couple of Buddists are all still here….unless all my neighbors are all bad versions of their respective faiths.
So, Ken, I'm gonna come right out and talk about that elephant in the room. Why the fuck do you have an elephant in your room?
Edit: Pres[ $ rm -r * ] –ya beat me to it.
It could still happen. I saw Jesus in WalMart today.
Put on a few pounds, has he?
Was he on a Hover round or the other brand? A Rascal?
I saw him too! He was in the food section with his brother Raul picking up some hot dogs for the Rodriguez family barbecue.
That's so funny! I didn't know you guys lived in my town. Did you notice Fat Elvis hanging back about 20 feet, just rolling his eyes, pretending he wasn't with them?
Jesus made my hamburger last time I was at Carl's Jr.
Working in the loading dock, no doubt.
Modern day Jesus is poor, because he was not smart enough to be Jewish…
Soros, can you swing back? This has serious Blingee potential
Before we all get too cocky, has anyone thought to check for zombies?
Zombie Reagan/Zombie WF Buckley/2012. Perfect timing.
Please. They prefer to be referred to as "Pre-Raptured Americans."
As America is a country that just fell for another phony apocalypse, I'm somewhat afraid the zombies will starve to death.
Not to worry. The CDC has posted its Zombie Apocalypse Preparedness Plan . Which we all know is code for when Cheney becomes undead.
What do you mean, 'when'? Cheney hasn't had a pulse for ages.
Zombies? You mean Christian Conservative Republicans?
Does dog Shit stick to the bottom of your shoes?
A jockey named Jesus won the Preakness today, which is pretty awesome.
I saw it, and I didn't bet anything…
One day it gonna rain soup and I will be with a fork in my hand.
“One day it gonna rain soup and I will be with a fork in my hand.”
First I did a google search because this must be a classic quote from some bit of pop culture but I didn’t find anything. Next I copied your comment and posted it to my facebook page because if it isn’t a classic quote now, it sure as hell deserves to be one in the future.
“If it was raining soup, the Irish would go out with forks.”
– Brendan Behan
Thank you so much Mr. Ze_Bubba. I always enjoy learning fun new things here at our Wonkette. Being of Irish blood it is no wonder I was so enamored by the quote. Ah, it rings so true to me.
Ha!! Try it in Spanish: "el día que llueva sopa voy a estar con un tenedor en la mano".
Right now in Texas it's raining icy rocks…
I made sure I got in some indiscriminate group fucking in the streets, just in case something went awry. It may be uncomfortable meeting eye contact with certain of my neighbors for a little while.
I made sure I got in some indiscriminate group fucking in the streets, just in case something went awry. It may be uncomfortable meeting eye contact with certain of my neighbors for a little while.
Did they not enjoy it?
Had I known there was going to be a tomorrow, there are some things I might have said differently. And some babies I probably would have left alone.
Don't worry, the boys are young enough to get over it.
Lucky! Very damn few of my neighbors are even remotely fuckable.
You live in GA, if I recall…
prefuckingcisely! One must brave the inner city environs of Atlanta to see the tasty bits. Not a task to be taken lightly.
In my 'hood, only one. And she just dropped my ass and moved in with the next-door neighbor. Kinda awkward 'round these parts now.
Aw fuckitall! You were looking for pussy when you found her, weren't you?
Guess it was his turn, I don't know the rules…
t may be uncomfortable meeting eye contact with certain of my neighbors for a little while.
Not to mention their pets.
An unnecessary apostrophe/homonym averted the rapture? Sweet!
Does this have anything to do with the fate of the Wonkette? ALL BLOGS GO TO HEAVEN.
I just made that up. Tee, he.
And I lift my glass to the awful truth
Which you can't reveal to the ears of youth
Except to say "it isn't worth a damn".
And the whole damn place goes crazy twice
And it's once for the devil and once for Christ
But the Boss don't like these dizzy heights
We're busted in the blinding light
Of closing time.
Closing time.
Now Ken he's been mixing sound all evening
Sometimes I think that boy
He ain't got no ears
. . .
Closing time
Unplug them people
And send them home
It's closing time
The night's all that's left behind
You take your part and I'll take mine
And go on home
It's closing time
Is Ken doing on last live blog just to make us miss him? Because that would be cruel.
And ineffective.
So Ken…about that elephant….
Does anyone else smell peanuts?
Hell, the elephant is being ridden by an 800-lb gorilla. That's how crowded it is in here.
We had a minor quake here in the north part of the east bay of SF at about 7:05 pm, (hey, maybe Jesus doesn't do DST) which caused some of my friends to joke "this is it" on their FB. I was in my car, so didn't feel it.
One of my clergy has office hours on Saturday afternoons and had volunteered to help us with our monthly Jesus-Told-Us-To-Feed-The-Hungry exercise, and reports that the phone calls she got weren't the usual "so what are you guys serving for dinner" but people who were FREAKED. OUT. As a note, Piskies are among the majority of Christians who don't buy into the whole Rapture scenario.
I'm United Methodist and we don't, either. I'm sure there a little pockets that do–in the south–it's a large denomination and shit happens. Wesley didn't talk any eschatology.
That's a 19th. century American thing. You're welcome, world.
Speaking of, I have to get up and teach Sunday School in the AM so it's soon off to bed with me. Sort of slid on the lesson because, you know, I figured we wouldn't be here tomorrow, so I have to do a little bit more.
Yep! All recent and everything. This will be a great teaching moment for your class, though, IMO.
I just regret that I was too busy with coordinating stuff for the Feeding of the Multitudes to bribe the organist, erm, make a donation to the choir trip scholarship fund to slip "I'll fly away" or something else on the Rapture Greatest Hits onto the playlist tomorrow.
Piskies= high Baptist or low Catholic depending on your point of view. Not a criticism, just an observation long held in some ecumenical circles.
I have also checked in with a news producer friend of mine to see whether she knew of meeja vans parked outside Br. Camping's findable-through-Whitepages house locally. She didn't know personally but suspected that people were on the case.
Right now I don't feel too good,
Don't send me no more letters, no;
Not unless you mail them from
Desolation Row.
Don't be down- c'mon over. We've got some bleachers in the sun out on Hwy 61.
Man, you must be puttin' me on…
Hey–has Ken come back from walking the dog? Maybe what he was going to tell us is that he's the only one being raptured. Which mean the site is still open. So now we have to assign ourselves days to be responsible for doing absurd news.
And then we will really, REALLY, appreciate Ken. (And I still miss Jim).
Coming up on 6:00 in Hawai'i–Maybe the Rap will start there, since it is, after all, the birthplace of the antijeebus.
I am glad kitty is okay and I am sure you are too. Pull out some cat nip and enjoy your evening.
Ken's back and still no news on the death watch that we actually care about–wonket.
I can't do the HTML thing (and don't feel like looking it up, so fucking sue me, okay?) but here is a link from the CSM about the five biggest End Times Fails. I hope the click works and you guys can learn something.
http://www.csmonitor.com/Science/2011/0518/Judgme...
22-year-old freelancers writing their goodbye posts can be a bit melodramatic. Changes of staff and other such things are routine here, and have been routinely occurring since 2006.
There is no death watch on the Wonkette site. Y'all are paranoid.
Well goooolllleeee! Thanks for letting us know, Ken. Is it possible you didn't see the wailing wall last night?
I'm sure it was worth a chuckle or two for Ken. Maybe he was just feeling under-appreciated.
Yes, that's what I do with my Friday nights.
(What I *actually* do is cook dinner and take care of children and try to read a book or something before bed.)
George W. Bush was president of this country for 8 YEARS during my lifetime and that of my daughter. If that singular fact don't give one reason to be paranoid then reason does not exist. But this is great news for the commentariat and I, for one, thank you.
Well played, Ken.
Whether or not it was orchestrated or just bizarre timing of circumstance — if this weekend at wonkette wasn't a "passion play" of speculation rendering the ultimate art-imitating-life, I don't know what is.
Pwnd once again…
Yeah, whatever.
Big Failure posters were chuckling about legal action and shutdowns here and we all know by now that Breitbart and company are honest and really care about facts. Just ask Shirley Sherrod.
Oh for god's sake.
Whew…….
I can breathe again.
Ah, but we were all just playing along (that's my story and I'm sticking with it). Just imagine all the extra page-view $$ from the Breittards dialing in to watch us wallow in our misery. The joke is on them, ha.
Hooray! In all momentary seriousness, Ken, a lot of us rely on this site to maintain our sanity. We are grateful it's still around.
I'm tempted to go onto this post on Big Jingoism and taunt the fuckwits who think it's OK to say anything about anyone, as long as their name isn't Palin. But I covet my pee to much. Where's metamarcisf, anyway?
Well, holy shit, then. I must turn back to my usual calm demeanor.
Forget what I said about the paywall.
Man.
Brilliant, God love you, man!
Here is why these apocalypse predictions are so much fun–from the CSM on the first one:
If you convert the days into years, and if you start in the year 457 BC…
now that has some pizzazz–convert a measure of time to a different one that sounds better and go with it.
Thank you, Ken! re the Christian Science Monitor predictions, though, Hal Lindsey??? Isn't he the guy who played Barney Miller?
The truly disgusting thing about these predictions is that being absolutely, completely, utterly WRONG carries exactly no consequences for these schmucks.
Consider Pat Robertson: way, way, way wrong in, e.g., '82 and '07; yet he spews predictions every year (Jeanne Dixon, anyone), and there are still people who do not laugh at him.
And what is up with the "I've got a pretty good track record". Dude, you claim that motherfucking GOD tells you these things, for sure, for sure. If you are wrong even one time it must mean either (1) God isn't explicitly "telling" you anything, but maybe giving you "hints", which you are misinterpreting; or (2) God is playing with you; or (3) you're making it up. It's gotta be one of them.
What's truly amazing is just how friggin' stupid the jeebus-people are. Check out #2 (1806), where Gawd wrote the Rapture date on an egg. Or maybe they thought the chicken wrote it. Actually, I can't imagine what they might have thought. Doesn't matter… nothing is so stupid or preposterous that these fucktards can't swallow it whole.
The one thing this Camping clown has going for him is the World's Most Valuable Mailing List Ever. If he could auction off that priceless gem on EBay, there'd be dozens of Russian, Bulgarian, and Ukrainian scammers, and at least a hundred Nigerian princes, bidding for it — all of whom have millions of dollars sitting in bank accounts (especially the Nigerian princes.)
So that is how cognitive dissonance was invented. Thanks for the link.
I went to our quaint little "Walmart Neighborhood Market"* just to check and, um, the Fructose-Baptists are still around, so I guess we can safely say, "fail."
*I live about 15 minutes from Walmart Central Command in Bentonville, AR. We are the guinea pigs for the rest of you lot. So having destroyed much of the small retail market with their leviathan stores, next up on the conquest are grocery stores. Mark my word, you will eventually see one of these friendly 'Neighborhood' markets soon. Oh, and next up? "Walmart On Campus." I am not kidding…we already have one. We see the future, the terrible future, here before it is wrought on the rest of you. Whether that is good or bad I have yet to resolve. So, be aware. be safe and know that your lovely little community will eventually be decimated. Yeah!
In seven or eight hours, Mrs. Bleindmeis-Beer and I will be breakfasting at one of our local Waffle Haus restaurants, then moving on to the Super Wal-Mart store for dog food. Sunday morning is the only time the aisles are un-crowded here. We figure that tomorrow, between the church-attenders and the raptured, the goyim will be staying away in droves. We'll be out of there in no time, if there's anyone left staffing the checkout lines.
Oh, Mrs. Owls and I have long been hip to that trick. Super Mega Walmart, Lowes, Home Depot, you name it. Go between roughly 8-11:30 a.m. on Sunday and it's just you and the other paltry un-believer crowd. Peachy keen!
Talk about death in the aisles, you should see a Wonkette thread with Sunday morning coming down.
Even the downfister isn't here.
I'm off to do my Oregon roadie laundry for the same reason.
jeebus, just when I was celebrating the survival of the Earth, you prove it is already happening.
"Fructose-Baptists". Outstanding! O that I can only Upfist you Once…
7:14 AM EST now and no Born-Again Nude Blimps have flown by. According to all my electronic monitoring devices, the World has continued on. Surprise, surprise.
"…and the dead in Christ shall rise first: Then we which are alive and remain shall be caught up together with them in the clouds, to meet the Lord in the air: and so shall we ever be with the Lord."
Maybe the Lord changed his mind when he realized how many of us are fat and annoying. Would you want to spend eternity with a bunch of obese Teatards? I think not.
Talk about faith! you hit the nail on the head. No right-thinking person would want to spend an evening with most of the retards farting in church pews five times a week, much less eternity. How does one reconcile an eternity of bliss with that gaggle of fucktards and hypocrites? It do take faith of the blind variety…
And could you imagine the smell of roasting Teatards in Hell?
Disgusting!!!
This is bad news for Kirk Cameron.
But not for Tim LaHaye and Jerry Jenkins
All news is bad news for Kirk Cameron, or at least that is my fervent wish and prayer.
There were earthquakes, glowy skies and people running around screaming on the TV.
But then I realized I was watching "Dr. Who" where that shit's always going on.
Worst. Apocolypse. Evah.
Man, I thought of Dr. Who even before I got to your punchline. Or maybe I saw it already peripherally in my brain. But that is definitely an apt description.
I've tried to watch "Who" always quit while wondering "why"?
You have to switch your brain to "Brit" before watching.
Brit? My brain can barely handle “Missouri Shit-Kicker”.
Well, God is dead. The fact that I can post this is proof.
Preach it Brother Friedrich!
Yeah, and remember Woody Allen's comment:
Not only is God dead but try getting a plumber on Sunday.
I think it proves YOU aren't dead, yet. So, you've got THAT going for you, which is nice.
He's just resting…
WIN.
I whined and moaned and begged and played the age card and finally got an answer! Wonkette isn't dead. Isn't dying. Ken answered me, which in the wonkeratti world is the same as being Harold Camping and flying into space ahead of a throng of people no one else liked, anyway.
You're welcome, wonkette fans. My work here is done and I bid you all a good, restful night and a morning full of song birds, flowers and rainbows.
Who the fuck am I kidding? Now that we're back to having wonkette out of an ICU created of our pessimistic paranoid delusions (and can a liberal be anything else but pessimistic in these times, end or not?) we can all go back to being ourselves. Sooo–
'Later, losers.
Whew. That were a close one.
oh dustbowl if you are not fucking with us:
1. you are john the baptist.
2. stuef is a mean ginger.
3. brietfart trolls haz a sad.
cheers!
Check out the last series of Breitbart comments on Jack's final post. . .
So long and thanks for all the page views.
Yay!
Drink now!
Can't believe this wasn't the top item on Google News this morning. "Wonkette Still Not Dead!" Thanks, Dusty! Like Lloyd Blankfein, you're doing God's work.
In the words of Robot Chicken's M. Night Shyamalan: "What a twist!" http://video.adultswim.com/robot-chicken/m-night-...
"I whined and moaned and begged and…"
Whoah … you had me going there, for a moment…
The rapture is OVER. I am SO going to go out and buy some green bananas with confidence that I can enjoy them later next week.
HA! I already did that earlier this evening, prolly the only time I'll ever top you at Wonkette. Banana bread for everyone next weekend!
If I still smoked I would buy some king sized cigarettes (if they still make them).
Good times and bum times,
I've seen 'em all and, my dear,
I'm still here.
Flush velvet sometimes,
Sometimes just pretzels and beer,
But I'm here.
I've run the gamut.
A to Z.
Three cheers and dammit,
C'est la vie.
I got through all of last year
And I'm here.
Lord knows, at least I was there,
And I'm here!
Look who's here!
I'm still here!
- Stephen Sondheim
shit. i really need a new car.
My (considerable) experience with cats tells me that the ones you can't find are A-OK. They're just playing their little hidey-hole game.
It's the ones that are just lying there in the middle of the carpet, not moving, even if you poke them, those are the ones you need to worry about.
Well, here in NYC it looked like rain for a while today, which would've been kind of uncomfortable… does that count at all?
Well, I just looked back over Jack's original post, and I see that Ken has inserted an Edit making clear that there is no Wonkpocalypse coming. Can't tell when he put it there, but I hope it wasn't last night while we were all a-moanin', 'cuz that would make us look pretty stoopid. Anyway, I'm glad you let us know–really–Ken, and I'm really glad the Wonkette will not be disappearing anytime soon. Like many of the other posters said last night–if it weren't for this haven of snark and sanity, I'm not sure I could survive.
Technically today was Judgement Day, not End of Days day. I guess we were all judged too fucking boring to bother with.
Yeah, but… I'm pretty sure someone would have noticed if the cemetaries were suddenly emptying out.
When I say "we" I don't mean the Wonkette brotherhood – I mean the entire genus Homo. (I'd say "species" but I'm not seeing any flying re-fleshed Neanderthals either.)
Nah, we all know Jesus rode dinosaurs, but I don't remember anything in the Bible 'bout Neanderthals.
The Galaxy beat the loathsome and irredeemably vile Chivas USA, which I cite as definitive proof that the world is in fact not coming to an end.
Oh, and thanks, Ken, for not shutting down our sandbox after all.
I think the rapture ruptured…
In the end the love you take is equal to the love you make.
~Sir Paul McCartney~
What if you don't like it "in the end"?
Oh my!
Indeed!
If that's the truth, then Paris Hilton's gonna' need a convoy of dump trucks when she kicks the bucket.
Goddammit! Which one of you made that Belinda Carlisle "Heaven is a Place on Earth" reference? I've got an earworm the size of…. mmm, let's see…. How about the size of those bills the Democrats keep shoving down our throats?
No snark here. The skies of Mississippi stayed clear today. The wind picked up a little and nearly blew my napkin off the table when I picked up my iced tea while eating peel and eat shrimp. We took the neighborhood kids for a boat ride. We looked for alligators but saw beautiful birds (one child pointed out it was a gray heron) and lily pads instead. For a day that was to be our last, we had a great day. Enjoying a Balvenie with Mrs. Mississippi. The Rapture will have to wait until tomorrow.
My word! A Wonketeer with an actual life, Gomez? Here's to ya!
Phew!!
All's right with the world.
The downfisters must be PISSED!!
Jack sure got his revenge!
(Wonketteers suffered, but think about what the wingtards are going through now! Bwahahahaha!)
I say! Cats sleeping with dogs! Repent, bitches; REPENT!
Was there any sexting from her I-phone?
These are the important questions. People want to know.
i think they are confusing 'weather science', 'seismology' and 'plate techtonics' with 'faith'.
medieval peasants did this too. only it was funnier then because:
1. they didn't have global warming.
2. they had jesters.
They did so have global warming.
3. more buttsechs 'cause it was the only birf control available.
Reporting in for Michigan.
Well, it rained a bit here. Started out about 70 with low humidity, a front brought some rain in and now it's sticky as hell. But, this is spring in the Great Lakes. Just about anything can happen. It was 30-40 degrees here last week for no reason. April shows here bring…well, more showers for May.
BTW, a few thousand teachers marched on the Michigan capitol, today. Obviously, they weren't worried about Judgement Day, and they were decked out in their commie red to boot.
Fukking hell.
http://www.buzzfeed.com/babymantis/dog-gives-kitt...
Satan's got himself a pretty wicked peen going on. Nice boner BZ-Bub!
He's always going on about how horned up he is.
And here I thought I was being subtle.
I must admit that I'm a little disappointed with the rapture failure. I was kind of looking forward to a world without the smug religious assholes. Even with the earthquakes and shit it still would have been an improvement.
I saw a redtailed hawk around 6:00 tonight, maybe they just misspelled raptor?
Always a privilege, they are marvelous creations.
I don't know, redtails are, like, the pigeons of the hawk world — they're everywhere. There's a pair nesting right over the mall entrance down the street, have they no shame?
Rats out back by the dumpsters, of course. Yum!
Adaptability is a wonderful trait.
I had considered something like that myself. However, to my disappointment I did not see anyone get raptored either.
Just read that Mitch Daniels isn't running for president. And here is the most telling sentence in his email to his supporters:
They would have eaten his little ass alive with contrition like that. Did he forget that he's a Republican? You don't apologize if you're a Republican. Hell, a Democrat wouldn't have even gotten that apologetic.
**snort** Surrender monkey. **snort**
In the meantime, Sarah P's making noises about running. Good times ahead!
She says she has the fire in the belly. She better get to the doc to get that checked out. It's probably just another baby.
Rosemary's baby this time.
One would imagine having his wife run off with another man, leaving one with 4 young kids, marrying the other man, then taking her back after three years, would scrub one's soul pretty much free of pride and pretense. It would me, I hope, if I had any; which I hope I don't. You are correct, though. A true Conservative would simply put a hit on her.
Mitch is in a classic lose-lose position. There is reasonable evidence that he is a fairly decent human being, and not a religious nutter, which pretty well finishes him with the wingers as far as the primary goes. Yet, his actual policy positions are resoundingly non-compassionate conservative, which would repel most Democratic-leaning, and some indie, voters in the general. He would be a sacrificial lamb, and is evidently smart enough to choose not to do that.
What's kind of funny is that if he were up against Neut, or Trump, or the Barbour of Bullshitville, or several other Republicans, in the general election, he would have a huge edge on grounds of general morality and human-seeming-ness. Shit, if he were running against Bubba, he might have a chance (although the charisma balance would be a problem). But, in the real world, he'd have to run against Mr. Clean.
Much smarter to wait for 2016.
Thoughtful analysis. My level of intellect would simply conclude he is too short, too un-telligenic, too charismatically challenged and too handicapped with his morally (from a rightard perspective) deficient wife to appeal to a large enough swath of voters.
There's no way the rapture could have happened today, folks, as anyone versed in the scripture (as I am) could tell you. According to prophecy, the world has to become "as it was in the days of Noah," with everyone "eating and drinking" and "gay marrying and giving in gay marriage."
It's the Mormons fault Jesus couldn't come back today, if you'll examine it carefully.
Well, there is a lot of the former, and quite a bit of the latter happening in this world. What ratio do we have to get to so that we can be judged as too depraved? The people want to know and do their part.
Actually, we have a long way to go. I think the ancients (Philistines, Sodom, Gomorrah) earned their demise when they got into ordaining ritual child sacrifice (usually by fire). The OT is replete with references to it if you read the whole thing. We're not there yet, hang on.
Actually, being excessively selfish was mentioned a few times as the reason for their destruction as well as the generic "they were sinners". One can wonder why God's Own Party seems to forgot to mention that part.
They prefer to worship the Bible. Much more convenient. One can find justification for almost anything in there somewhere. One can close it, put it away and forget about it during periods of debauchery. One can flaunt a certain familiarity with it and thereby hope for Righteousness via osmosis or association. It can be a handy tool, but like all tools it can build or destroy as the user intends. I like Paul's opinion of the “scriptures” best.
They worship the Bible like they worship the Constitution. Selectively and usually with a great deal of made up nonsense.
Well, to be sorta fair, "they were sinners" translates as "they pissed off YHWH", and it's not usually very clear why, because of ineffability, and possibly quantum, also too.
So, since it's clearly impossible to figure out what the fuck God really thinks, the goopers advance the simple hypothesis: "God likes ME, and people who think and/or act just like ME".
Really, they have as much chance (zero) of being right about who God likes as does anybody else.
I really, truly hope they have less chance of being right… I'd hate to discover that God is an asshole with infinite power. I mean, that would suck, right?
If you've actually read the whole thing, you're no Christian!
Oddly, I don't feel one's faith restricts his literary or intellectual pursuits. I don't fear other points of view, even though I may not accept them. I also don't judge another's spirituality. I do read the whole thing, 4-6 pages a day, 365 days a year, start at the beginning, go to the end. Takes me 4 to six months. I don't always enjoy it, but I always learn something and I think it keeps me grounded. Also have works by Hitler, Marx and Lenin in my Kindle. Does not make me a Nazi, Marxist or Communist.
Mormons are laughing because they know Jesus already came back.
In upstate NY…
ummm….
"Now this was the sin of your sister Sodom: She and her daughters were arrogant, overfed and unconcerned; they did not help the poor and needy."
Ezekiel
back to lurking – you all are way too fast and sharp for me – not to mention this Mac won't let my load an avatar -
Bad news for America's corn-fed scooter-bound libertardian teabaggers. Someday.
A 5 month massive earthquake? Sweet… a drunken stupor won't feel so out of place then like it does at this moment…
Rappy Hapture everybody! Drinks are on me… no really… darned dog shouldn't bump my end table…
Well that fizzled quicker than Donald Trump's presidential ambitions.
I've been wondering has that famous Xtn political commentater, Sarah Palin, made any comment? How about Christine the Virgin of Delaware
It's 6:25 pm, Beijing time, here in Kunming. That's 6:25 am, EST, in the US. No sign of anyone raptured here, although getting born-again is slightly fashionable with Chinese college students.
Glad y'all are still with us. What can we do to help the poor, misguided students?
Come teach English; they need to know that not all Americans are richevangelicals!
Or assholes, but I am being redundant, aren't I?
It helps if you are a non-asshole, too, yes. Basically, all you needis a standard English accent, some patience, some courage. A can-doattitude. Do not scream and shout every time you meet somefrustration.On the other hand, China has no open container laws. No laws againstpublic drunkenness or vomiting in a gutter. There are a lot of publictoilets if you need one. Mothers are free to nurse their babieswithout being arrested for indecent exposure. Mom & pop stores withinwalking distance of your home are the norm. There are farmers' marketsand flea markets in every neighborhood and are open every day, dawn todark. Hardly any violent crime. (Pickpocketing and burglary areanother story.)I've been here for nearly 15 years and the government hasn't doneanything bad to me yet. Nothing bad is likely to happen to you in6-12 months.
Mmm, actually, that sounds like an interesting late-life vocation, except for the fact that to teach English, I presume one would need to speak Mandarin.
I mean, I qualify on both not-rich and not-evangelical, but the teaching part seems like a hurdle.
No, you need not speak Mandarin. It does help if you have a collegedegree, but no special language training or certificates are needed.The schools want native speakers with common accents. College Englishstudents learned grammar and vocab in high school, but don't have muchpractice speaking and feel pretty shy about making a mistake if theydo speak. YOUR job is to get them to talk to you. Tell them storiesabout your life in the USA. All they know is romantic Hollywoodmovies and TV sit-coms.Basically, what you need is a can-do attitude and a degree of chutzpah.Schools usually give you a Chinese middle class salary, an apartment,basic medical care. Often they'll give you some more money to travel abit between semesters. Usually they will reimburse you for your ticketto China. Often you can negotiate a ticket home.Check out the website AbroadChina, which lists job openings indifferent cities and provinces. You can also put your own resume up.Wikipedia has articles for most of the public universities in China,with links to their own home pages. (Stick to public schools and stayaway from private schools. They pay on time, etc.)
Wow. Then I guess getting re-virginizing surgery like
BristolWillowPiperXtine O'Donnell can't be far behind.>
"because Sara’s going to shove Breitbart back down a toilet where he belongs"
If she does, I'll help pay her bail, I swear.
I'll chip in – but I need video.
Armageddon anxious to hear what Rev. Camping has to say about all this. FWIW, I'm as pissed as the next guy that all the self righteous Christian asshats and others of their ilk are still walking freely amongst us.
Ah yes, crazy prophets – Monty Python style.
…and it's probably time to post this one:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lLl1RWlgw7o&fe...
What would we do without Cheese?
So much for drinking like there's no tomorrow. Shit.
Downfister is awake finally. Nice way to spend a Sunday. I got your back.
This is a bit late, but, if you're serious about your craft, you really want to work on drinking like there's no today.
Friday night was a once in a generation opportunity (lifetime, maybe – Mr. Camping may not make it for another such prediction two decades from now).
Instead of trying to make the old "last night in town" line work in the local watering holes, "Come on – why not? This could be our last night on earth!" had considerably more potential.
Or – "Hey – we're going to Hell anyway…"
Or, "Let's go out with a bang."
Hey Downfister, you know what's worse than making fun of mongoloid? Well that's kicking people when they're down. Why don't you go crow at Brightfart about how you brought Wonkette down. In fact, just go.
or not. check out dustbowl comments on this thread.
Well, now that we're all still here and I see that Mommy has finally gotten the Downfist Troll(s) out of bed, I think it's time to post The Note:
Dear Mr. / Mrs. / Ms / Master Troll:
We have to talk. In fact, it’s long past the time when we should have had this discussion.
You see, we know your future.
If you are lucky and you live long enough, you’ll meet someone who will be weird/crazy/sick enough to be able to grapple with your Cheeto-Encrusted Genitalia. You’ll hit it off, settle down and maybe even get married. Then, if all goes well, you’ll have Children.
Now here’s the rub. No matter what you do, they will turn out Exactly. Like. Us.
Sorry to have to break this to you, but you might as well learn it here than on the streets somewhere.
Please don’t be angry with us; this is just the way of the world. And, please, don’t subject your little darlings to Jesus Camp, cheesy Ayn Rand media, Young Republican meetings or Stormfront rallies. That will just saddle you or your descendants with massive Rehab and/or Psychiatric bills.
Thank you for listening.
Very Sincerely Yours:
The Wonkette Commentariat.
Amen Brother and pass the salt.
The mobile site is much more hilarious, but probably unintentionally so: http://img190.imageshack.us/img190/640/fb20110522...
Pisses me off, I can't post comments from my phone.
Has Ken sold the Wonkette? If so, who's the buyer? WallyWorld, Beitfart, WaPoo, or gasp, Vanity Fair?
No, Stuef was just trolling us.
I do not think we were the target audience of that trolling.
Yeah, after seeing some of the Breitfarters' mouth-slathering comments, I think you're right. They were beside themselves with the idea that Trig brought down the mighty Mizz Wonkette.
One of them, by the way, loves to call this blog WonKKKette. Hur dur, get it? You put three K's in the place of one and you're suddenly funny!
Who would buy this POS? Especially when the posts and, worse yet, the commentariat are jokesters that are critical of the whole system. But as I said way upstream, that commentariat's demographic must look pretty good to the advertising-industrial complex.
Yeah, and our probation officers say we are making good progress, also, too.
I prefer the term: "white collar criminal."
Wonkette.com is a top 5,000 site and No. 63 Technorati blog that reaches over 1 million monthly unique visitors, 88% of which are in the U.S. The site is wildly popular among a mostly male, very affluent and well educated adult crowd. The typical visitor reads Gawker and subscribes to the Economist and Vanity Fair.
——————————————————————————–
Indeed we ARE choice advertising bait.
A million people have read our filth and perversions…excellent.
Every month!
"The typical visitor reads Gawker and subscribes to the Economist and Vanity Fair. "
And Bestiality Quarterly. They forgot that one.
Have you read this month's cover story, "Sheep Lie"?
A million UNIQUE hits per month? And a "typical" visitor subscribes to the Economist and VF? Does "typical" still mean what I think it means? Do the Economist or VF have a million subscribers?
Either somebody's tracking software is confuze (is this Wonkbot's day job?); or, for every semi-regular commenter, there are something like 10,000 non-commenting views per month, and we'd better step up to the plate. This makes me feel like I've been slacking. MOAR ASS_FUCKING!!!!11!!one!!!
Alexa.com is even more intriguing. We're more popular in South Korea than in the US, and apparently Ken is secretly living in Hungary.
http://www.alexa.com/siteinfo/wonkette.com
Wonkette.com's three-month global Alexa traffic rank is 17,886. The site has been online for more than seven years. While we estimate that 72% of the site's visitors are in the US, where it is ranked #4,333, it is also popular in South Korea, where it is ranked #1,968. Wonkette.com is based in Hungary. The site has a bounce rate of about 67% (i.e., 67% of visits consist of only one pageview).
Dude, I stalked this site for maybe three years before I felt worthy to sign up and post. Many still do not feel the worth, I guess.
It wore scum like us wot built this bloody 'Impire!
Yes he did.
I bought it for a song and dance.
Now your asses belong to me…..
Bwaaaaahahahahahahahah
Too bad those twins have the D-Thing. Or is it the R-thing?
Not sure which thing you refer to but it's for damn sure they aren't the Wonder Twins.,
Just trying to avoid the Trig problem.
Well, in all seriousness, Ken's been doing this for years, and the insipid and masturbatory buffoonery of American media, celebrity, and politics has to be taking its toll. Shit, if I'd been forced to pay as much attention as he has over the years, I'd have gone postal years ago or drank myself into blithering, end-stage cirrhotic idiocy.
Ken, save your sanity while you can. Bolt. We'll forgive you.
After reading much ado about “poor Ken, why has he not gone mad?” I offer this, completely free of snark:
Not all politicians are destroyed by politics, nor are all journalists destroyed by journalism, nor all parents destroyed by parenting. Whether we choose our callings or they are thrust upon us it is our choice to fight the good fight. Some of us find our strength in the battle.
“You gain strength, courage, and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You are able to say to yourself, 'I lived through this horror. I can take the next thing that comes along.' “
–Eleanor Roosevelt
Now get back to being my Wonkettes who I have come to love and adore, those who can find humor where others only find horror. And for the love of god, proceed with the inappropriate buttsex jokes please.
I hate all this World coming to an end BS.
Especially when I get up the next morning feeling like a turd and realize that I will still have to pay the bills but spent all my money on alcohol, drugs and women.
Ha ha, try explaining that one to the bank…and the wife.
I usually spend only 80% of my money on the above items. The rest I just blow on nonessentials.
Careful budgeting is very important.
Indeed; always been a byword for me!
The rapture is the biggest bunch of bullshit since the last bunch of bullshit.
I, for one, welcome the continued reign of our Desert Overlord.
The advantage I have over most of the Wonketeers in troubled times like this is that I have the comfort of knowing I won't die young. Rapture-Smapture, I've lived a full life, fuck the rest.
well, me too(old-er- I mean) but if I die, it won't be because of the Rapture(well, ok, if I had sex with Hugh Jackman- that rapture would kill me)
I'm guessing if that happened you'd just think you had died and gone to Heaven, amirite?
Thought I had replied, but 'puter says I didn't, so here goes again: My guess is you would just think you had died and gone to Heaven.
As an oldster myself I concur with your philosophy, tty. I'm reminded of that wonderfully sinister line sung by Sweeney Todd/Benjamin Barker to the young sailor who rescued him and now can't wait to see the joys of London: "You are young; life has been kind to you. You will learn."
Amen. The more you know about these parts the less reluctance to leave them.
"I feel fine." – R.E.M.
馬鹿は死ななきゃ治らない。
"Cure stupid to die"?
I prefer to translate it "Death is the only cure for stupid".
Thanks. Before I knew what it meant, I was considering getting it tattooed.
Mmmm, didn't seem to work for Saint Ronbo. He's supposedly dead, not sure about the raptured zombie, and our beloved teatarded motherfuckers are still carrying a serious, and stupid, Reagan torch.
it was a great disappointment all around. religious nuts need to stick with unverifiable stuff such as the old favorite "you'll get 72 virgins in heaven."
I thought it was 71 virgins. Did someone get there before me?
71 + the one idiot who actually believes that crap.
Even in heaven, there are quality control problems.
Make it 72 Virginians, and I may consider converting with the understanding that at least 3/4 have to be from NoVa, and the remainder be those of urban persuasion either from Richmond or Hampton Roads, or some combination of the two.
Eh crap. Now I have to watch out for all the crazies shooting up malls and such since the world didn't end and they gave all their money away.
Hey loons – I hear scientology is looking for gullible people! Unless you gave away ALL your money – then they're not interested.
SUPPRESSIVE PERSON DECLARE!!!!
SEA ORGANIZATION
FLAG ETHICS ORDER 933 22 MAY 2011
ALL ORGS
ALL MISSIONS
SUPPRESSIVE PERSON DECLARE
REDHEAD
Redhead, currently of somewhere, is hereby declared a Suppressive Person.
Per HCO PL 23 Dec 1968RB, Rev. 8 Jan. 1991, SUPPRESSIVE ACTS, SUPPRESSION OF SCIENTOLOGY AND SCIENTOLOGISTS, a suppressive person is, "one that actively seeks to suppress or damage Scientology or a Scientologist by suppressive acts."–LRH.
Suppressive acts, per the above policy letter, are "clearly those covert or overt acts knowingly calculated to reduce or destroy the influence or activities of Scientology or prevent case gains or continued Scientology success and activity on the part of a Scientologist."–LRH.
Um, is this like, based on a real template? 'Cause, if so, fuck.
Yep.
http://www.cs.cmu.edu/~dst/ATG/annau-declare.html
Elron Hubbard was batshit fucking insane, but smart enough to come up with a "religion" whose primary purpose was to simultaneously divest people of their cash and spy on them.
Google "Sea Org" for real lulz. You sign a billion-year contract for practically zero pay, in exchange for which you get to conduct "counterintelligence", wear fake sailor dress uniforms and do drills at Tom Cruise speech events.
"…wear fake sailor dress uniforms and do drills at Tom Cruise speech events."
There are people who would pay for that opportunity. Especially if you tell them they get to do it for a billion years. (If there's a Rapture after that, so much the better.)
Judging from that link, it seems that even worse than attacking Scientology is trying to cheat the cheater. Hubbard forgive the soul who skims money off the top, it seems.
God, what a nasty-ass racket it is.
Yeah, they're actually kind of scary. I've read accounts that they show up to rallies (back when Anonymous would go protest them) and write down license plate numbers, and then get someone to look up the names and info for those plates. (That info isn't public record, at least not here.) I've also heard of people trying to leave the "church" and members showing up at their work or knocking on their neighbor's doors and saying the defectors are sex offenders who were supposed to register and didn't, etc.
This is usually online, and usually on blogs or in comments and not in verified news sources… but then again, it's not like I'd believe much from a guy who admittedly invented a "religion" on a dare, based on his science fiction novels and designed to coerce the gullible into giving up their money, either.
I waited as long as I could on my front porch with my golf clubs, cooler of beer and a little weed in my sock.
Good thing we didn't rapture because I forgot matches.
Are they like two girls and one cup?
For the end of "our" world, what about posting our favorite wonkett moments?
The worthly wokette skum are not leaving, praise Allah. Stuef was trolling the Breitfarters and/or us with his last post. From the comments over at Breitfart, it appears to have worked. They got into full-on fap mode with the concept that Jesus would return on the same day that Wonkette shut down.
"Jesus would return on the same day that Wonkette shut down. "
I'm cool with that, actually.
*Jesus rolls eyes; still tapping his foot.*
Well, we Catholics had a good laugh about this this morning at Mass. Silly Baptists.
From the articles I've been reading, even the Baptists had a bunch of lulz over Pastor Camping. I will admit that he pulled off an epic troll on the planet.
Baptists are the Mississippi of Christianity.
Ergo the Assembly of God is the Alaska of Christianity, amirite?
Macho Man Randy Savage was the only one to be Raptured.
He was the only one to get it right.
Snap into a heaven!
It wasn't the yellow leotard either, 'cause I've been wearing one for a few weeks now.
Well, with that. We are all in for some Smack Down.
Next time.
Daniels just took 16 stiches to his head in an accident with a door. It's good he's not running for President if he's into that shit.
Sixteen stitches put him right, and his Dad said,
"Don't say I didn't warn yer".
Daniels got married to a rock musician
He met in California.
Tommy always talks about the day
The disciples all went wild.
Daniels still carries a scar on his cheek,
To remind him of his smile.
See me, feel me, whack me, give me 16 stitches.
Daniels has the clumsy gene that afflict some Repubs–Ford, GWB for example.
Isn't that referred to in the lower classes as alcoholism?
I thought it was too much sports sans helmet.
It's his version of the Rapture.
The Fracture?
Poor little guy. I don't want a president that losses his battle against a door.
Was it a revolving door? I might have more sympathy if it was.
Possibly a Union door or an aggravated female voter and a purse with a lot of hardware.Details are lacking.
T-Plus24hr.
Still here. Still waiting.
Where are you Jesus????
God. Oh God. Help me if you can.
Don't send your Son. It's a job for a Man.
That's why I love mankind.
It looks like one of Camping's followers hasn't given up. He Did The Math and decided that it's really going to happen on May 26, because the Deluge happened "after a week of scoffing" and a whole bunch of bad geological disaster shit went down on the 26th of various months.
http://www.chattanoogan.com/articles/article_2018...
I wish these guys would look on each others' papers before sounding off. If you are mathematically challenged it isn't cheating to see how the other guy figured out the answer and then compare methods. You know–show your work, don't just pull a date out of your ass.
Now we gotta go through this all again on May 26. Good for beer sales, however.
I'm not sure peer review works, when your peers are also delusional.
Sounds like sloppy seconds to me.
I am thinking it is a week later (the 28th) by Camping's 'math'. If it hinges on "With the Lord a day is like a thousand years, and a thousand years are like a day." x 7, then he forgot the extra 7 days. So it is next Saturday. That assumes of course that the flood happened in 4990 BCE (why not 4863 BCE?) and the secret number codes Camping figured out (ie: 17 = heaven, for some reason) are valid to the equation, and aren't an insane obsession to second-guess a wrathful sadistic god. (which of course it is)
That passage is actually really clear about one thing: God doesn't look at his watch. Even I, a heathen (and blasphemer) have no problem understanding the simple message given there. It seems to me that god would be really pissed that such a blatant (inerrant) passage such as that could be twisted into demanding He show up at a certain time. Which reminds me, has Camping shown his face yet?
So God and Jesus and all the saints and angels and heavenly hosts and roadies are going to come parading down NEXT Saturday, trumpets blaring … and there'll be no welcoming committee, no bunting and confetti, no coffee and donuts, nobody ready — nothing but us hung-over sinners, getting out of bed, squinting at the power and the glory, and asking what the fuck all the noise is about?
Man, Camping's gonna have a whole lot of 'splaining to do if he fucked up God's event planning — especially if the caterer keeps the deposit.
Just so you know, if I'm in heaven right now, it has bugs, just like Oklahoma, that annoy me when I'm outside gardening.
But let's take a moment from our busy days to remember together the fun times that was Rapture! 2011! (unneeded exclamation points added to catch the wingnuttery flavor).
Fearing we were losing "our" the wonket seemed to make everyone even funnier. Hysteria and gallows humor suit us.
My personal tribute and gratitude go to the two wonkeratti who gave me the biggest one line Rapture joke laughs. In fact, I thought about them and started giggling in a wedding. I stifled it, however. I don't remember the commenters names, of course, but fuck them if they don't read wonkette often enough to read this.
# 2 All Jesus wanted was to rapture the Atlanta Thrashers to Winnipeg?
And my personal #1 Somebody help me! I'm stuck to the ceiling.
My own pastor got a big laugh out of them, esp the second one. (I had to explain #2 was a hockey joke. I'm not sure that's true, but what else would anyone go to Winnipeg for?)
Anyway thanks, everyone. You give some great Rapture! 2011!
And the big Wonkette orgy was fun too – http://wonkette.chatango.com/. Nothing like a 25 person circle jerk on a Friday night!
I know this isn't Heaven, because it's hot, muggy and there's way too many Mosquitos for a proper paradise.
My personal faves from last night's Electronic Existential Carnival were:
#2. "Fructose-Baptists"
- courtesy of the estimable User-of-owls
#1 "Somebody help me! I'm stuck to the ceiling!
– I forget but, to whoever posted this, Bravo.
Both of these involved Spit-Takes last night.
Let's all get together & do it again at the next Rapture!
An early favorite…
"Can't find one of the cats. Damn, it was the "good" one, too. "
"# 2 All Jesus wanted was to rapture the Atlanta Thrashers to Winnipeg? "
Jet's always had a better ring to it.
Only today I think Jesus was wearing a Canucks Jersey.
So was I.
Thank you M'erika for Kesler.
Owe you one.
DBB, I hope you don't have those frigging cheap Chinese stink bugs in OK, cuz' they is my version of the Rapture. Them little pricks is flying all over the house like teabaggers on meth with scooters, replete with Trucknutz, at a Palin rally.
Dead or Alive, East or West, did not the Wonkette Paranoid Panic of 2011 show how much we love this territory?
This is my bleak outpost. I'll stake my claim and let it stand.
Dusty, I share your opinion on #1, and I have now gone back through this thread and the last (no, no, really, the OCD is no problem) to determine that it was rendered by a previously-(to-me)-unknown commenter, yclept "Mrs. Bitch", who has indeed garnered 60+ well-deserved upfists for it.
And may I remark that I am pleased to hear that your pastor got a kick out of it, as well.
now that we've gotten this christian time stream out of the way, can we get the alternate jetsons' one?
where's my space pack?
Hell, I'd settle for Rosie the robot maid and her noodly vacuum appendage.
Did Rosie have useful attachments? Ahnold should have had one of those instead.
It's 9:22 p.m. Eastern time and I'm still waiting. Surely there must be an explanation.
Next Saturday, the 28th, will be the observance of Orthodox Rapture. It's always a week later.
Is this because of the Parseghian full moon?
13 days later on the Julian Calendar, actually… don't buy any green bananas around June 3.
No worries. The real rapture will come in the form of a neutron star or free-floating blackhole which will wipe the trailer parks , Lowes, Lakewood Church, Apple Stores, and strip malls clean off the face of the Earth. The cockroaches will finely take back what was rightfully theirs. They'll be safe again at least until the next evolution cycle , that is, if the sun doesn't go red giant before then (The Rapture 2.0: the Beginning of the End.)
I still have no evidence the Rapture did not occur. Wonkette comments are high, church was filled and everybody showed up at a political breakfast.
10:28 pm, Mon, 23 May. None of my students have been Raptured! Sounds like Camping's been Ruptured!
Greetings from the Rapture!!! Looking around up here, as best I can tell, only myself and Rep Tom Tancredo made the cut.
Apparently all of those Jeebus wanted to take were a day later in Joplin, MO. – too soon?
Only Stuef gets raptured? Maybe this was a test run. He's probably stuck in limbo's waiting room, with a bunch of dogeared Reader's Digests to keep him company.
At 6:05 pm in Murphys, California, all the motorcycle motors went quiet. I think the rapture did happen and God really likes Harleys.
"The Day Wonkett Was Raptured" will join with my fond memories of sharing Thanksgiving recipes a few years back, Cthulhu, and anything by shortsx3.
In fact, I'm getting nostalgic already.
/sniff
Dusty, could you pass me a tissue?
Sometimes, but caught them at a bunch of places in Ballard, Northgate area, U-District, and various fests. Even saw Duffy doing the lead at Teatro Zinzanni when it was held in a tent.
Having never really read either of them, also, too, as well as…
I was hoping it was some sort of social experiment to force all of us smug secularists to feel some of the panic and uncertainty that the religious whackadoos felt in the face of the rapture.
Eh, but this is cool too.
Chevy Rules!!1!
Would it matter if you did? I think not!
If I said "a condom", would that clear things up?
PS, I'm not wearing a condom.
Yes, dear friend, let's eat!
Church of the Denunciation
Sweet. Drank far too many in those joints in the 80s. Good times indeed!
In another area of 70s-80s overlap we used to go to a cabin in the south shore of Lake Crescent. The place was owned by the dad of a friend, name of King. My friend's dad was a DeRat rep in Olympia who haled from Everett. Know anyone who fits that bio near yer mum's place?
Do have to talk with Mrs. Weejee 'bout stopping at yer shop on the way to Victoria, Canuckland.
Dude, bite your tongue–I drive a Shelby!
That's like wishing for the Statue of Liberty to be drapped in a bacon-meat dress. It ain't gonna' happen. Well, at least not on NPR.
And I still don't read Gawker.
We must continue and not disappoint our public.
lol
King doesn't ring a bell, but I'll ask me mum.
(She'll pretend she doesn't know them either, though. We North Shore sophisticates don't have much commerce with those South Shore hillbillies. Except perhaps when we're attempting to retrieve a stolen canoe or somesuch.)
Do stop by the hotel. Wonkette commenters get a 10% discount, you know.
Blessed are the grifters, for they shall con the poor into thinking that they shall inherit the earth.
Sounds good to me. I've found I can get along in just about any environment. Being free of fear and ego, minding one's business and manners goes a long way in that pursuit.
Yer welcome. Classic line, from "a drinker with a writing problem."
(Can't get more Irish than that.)
"I will be with a fork in my hand" is good, but it captures only one of Behan's layers of meaning.
Comments on this entry are closed.