Welcome to the official newsletter of Heaven! Yes, the Rapture happened, and you won! You’re in Paradise! (Sorry it’s exactly like the world you left behind; perhaps you should appreciate the world you left behind a little more!) We are too a-scared to wait up until whenever the rapture is supposed to hit California and suck 89-year-old Oakland-based doomsday predictor Harold Camping back to his watery grave, so we’ll just schedule this post to publish in the morning. But we have grabbed some news bits from New Zealand, which apparently has yet to be destroyed by Jeebus Quakes even though it’s well after 6 p.m. local time.
- Christmas Island and other locations near New Zealand, where self-styled scriptural scholar Harold Camping predicted that the apocalypse would strike by Friday night Los Angeles time, so far remain free of “super terrible” earthquakes. — Los Angeles Times
- New York City Mayor Michael Bloomberg — who is Jewish and therefore, according to Camping’s prophecy, unlikely to be beamed up to sit alongside Jesus and God in heaven — said on his weekly radio show Friday that he would suspend alternate-side parking in New York if the world ends on Saturday. — Vancouver Sun
- Sun, Sand, Six-Figure Salary? Some lifeguards in California making more than $100,000. — Fox News
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So, the song is true. Nothing really happens in heaven. Figures.
At least they're playing my favorite song.
The band in Heaven plays my favorite song.
They play it once again, they play it all night long.
In heaven, every day is Christmas, and there's great films on TV; The Sound of Music twice an hour and Jaws 1, 2, and 3. There's gifts for all the family, there's toiletries and trains, there's Sony Walkman headphone sets and the latest video games.
Apparently, there is no sex in heaven if I remember correctly, 'cause Jesus luvs you long time, up there.
The inventor of their heaven empties into it all the nations of the earth, in one common jumble. All are on an equality absolute, no one of them ranking another; they have to be "brothers"; they have to mix together, pray together, harp together, hosannah together–whites, niggers, Jews, everybody–there's no distinction. Here in the earth all nations hate each other, and every one of them hates the Jew. Yet every pious person adores that heaven and wants to get into it. He really does. And when he is in a holy rapture he thinks he thinks that if he were only there he would take all the populace to his heart, and hug, and hug, and hug!
- Mark Twain, Letters from the Earth
How have I never seen that before? Priceless.
Also, your avatar makes me sad, because if Wonkette goes away, where will I get my photos of toilet rats to laugh at?
This whole wonkette going away makes me terribly sad, I almost thought today would be the day Ken makes his big announcement – it would be fitting for an apocalyptic end-of-days.
My working theory is that Jack was yanking our collective chain (chains?).
I was thinking something similar, but more like it was Stuef picking on the mental handicaps one last time as all the Breitards appear to be pre-emptively high-fiving each other.
Cats and dogs living together! Mass hysteria!
Being an Atheist, I have offered a service where I will take care of the pets of those who are being yanked up to heaven. I am only charging $100.00 It seemed like the Christian thing to do. Hurry, offer expires at 6 PM, cash only.
"Gozer the Gozerian? Good evening. As a duly-designated representative of the City, County and State of New York, I order you to cease any and all supernatural activity and return forthwith to your place of origin, or to the next convenient parallel dimension."
"The walls of the 57th precinct were bleeding"
"What sign are you waiting for?"
"Gozer the Traveler. He will come in one of the pre-chosen forms. During the Rectification of the Vuldronaii, the Traveler came as a large moving Torb! Then, during the Third Reconciliation of the Last of the Meketrex Supplicants, they chose a new form for him: that of a giant Sloar! Many Shubs and Zulls knew what it was to be roasted in the depths of the Sloar that day, I can tell you!"
"Whoa-oh, somebody's comin'! Somebody's comin' to town!"
I've seen shit that'll turn you white.
Trouble's a-brewin'.
as presently there are no pretty girls in my immediate surrounding, I can confirm that I'm not in heaven
when u read the scripture carefully, like Camping, u'll find it says something about "virgins" but nothing about "pretty". Or "girls".
Basically you're saying that he gets 40 Schwarzenegger maids.
Hey-O!
Zing!
Yeah… 'cuz they're virgins…
Profound shortage of diaphanous robes and Guinness. Also, no helper monkeys– I had to get up and make my own coffee. The service here in Heaven is terrible.
Yeah. And in Heaven, my feet shouldn't be this sore in the morning. What's up with that? We got any podiatrists here in Heaven? Hellooo? An aspirin, maybe?
So there are hangover in heaven. Shit.
And my phone still makes me sound like Tonto in the hereafter. Shit.
We are also still in the presence of people who think they deserve heaven more than other people. There's no place for such people in heaven, therefore we aren't there.
But, umm … wait a minute … where's my dog?
Mind, that COULD be described as heaven for the pretty girls.
Now you reminded me of that mega-crappy movie with Robin Williams where he supposedly goes to heaven (yeah, right!!) and can have anything he wishes, and a giant bird craps on him:
Robin Williams: THAT wasn't my wish!
Other guy: No, it was mine.
Rapture = 6.00pm USA ET
I was corrected on this yesterday by <ahem> Ken.
No, I just found an article where Camping (pun?) appears to think earthquakes begin in NZ 6 PM and move across the planet as it turns 6 PM in each time zone http://www.religionnewsblog.com/25966/new-zealand...
Headline should read "If You're Reading This, You're in New Zealand. And Heaven."
At this rate we're all going to end up missing it.
NORAD needs to track this Rapture thing like they do for Santa.
At 6 pm I'll be hoisting an IPA with good friends. Could be Heaven.
What you really want to hoist today is Fin du Monde: http://www.unibroue.com/en/beers/la_fin_du_monde/
Anything else you'd like to tell us, Ken? Don't be shy — you're among friends.
…pins and needles…
Needles and Pins
~
Written by future congresscritter Sonny Bono. Has any Member of Congress ever written a better song? Discuss, and no, John Ashcroft was never in Congress.
He didn't write it, but Al Franken?
Every time I heard that song when I was a kid, I heard "Ezio Pinza".
I am here early out of great concern, and desire for news.
Yeah, come'on Ken. I've now been clenching my sphincter so long that I'm seriously worried about my next bowel movement….
Talk about the elephant in the room, for FSM's sake!!
Well, "Harold Camping" does equal "Alarm Pinch God."
I know "anal" is in there…but I'm too stupid and lazy to figure the rest of it out.
Internet Anagram Server sez:
"Anal Chord Gimp"
To paraphrase the little kid in that movie with Bruce Willis, "I see stupid people."
Walking around like regular people. They only see what they want to see. They don't know they're stupid. They're everywhere.
I've taken a long hard look at the world and will not be surprised in the least if Jesus decides he has something better to do. Not that I'm not having a good time, it's just, well, Jesus…
Jesus came, looked at the world and decided to change things, but then realized that he was dead and actually couldn't do anything, and that he may never have existed in the first place anyway.
If You’re Reading This, You’re In Heaven!
I knew it. I knew there was Wonkette in heaven. I mean of course God has a sense of humor – look at all the people making complete asses of themselves in His name. It's like a cosmic episode of Punk'd. All you Wonkette-haters can suck it.
And in Heaven, nobody gets downfisted. (Unless they are being a, you know, total dick.)
Sun, Sand, Six-Figure Salary? Some lifeguards in California making more than $100,000. — Fox News
Damn lifeguard union. Gonna have to end collective bargaining for the lifeguards or California will go broke. Huh, what's that? Too late, oh well.
You have to look at the average compensation: some stoner/surfer who got straight long enough to pass the civil service exam and become a lifeguard is worth maybe $30K/year. Pamela Anderson, Yasmine Bleeth & Co, on the other hand, are pearls beyond price.
It make sense when you explain it like that. Still, something has to be done…time to go after the teacher unions.
Nothing that tax-cuts for the wealthy can't fix.*
*this is an environmentally friendly recycled comment
I always wondered how David Hasselhoff's character on Bay Watch could afford a pad with a two-story stone fireplace, a loft, and all the latest in kitchen appliances. Now I know. Thanks, Wonkette! (Is that how one spells "Hasselhoff"? I'm not doing him the honor of looking it up, because I'd probably have to see a picture of him and I like my eyes more than that. The talking car was OK in my book, though.)
I wanna be a lifeguard,
I wanna guard your life.
Lifeguard… sitting on the deck.
Lifeguard… whistle 'round my neck.
Lifeguard… white stuff on my nose.
[Anyone who remembers this song wins a pasta salad]
How much farther is it? I'm hungry and thirsty. Are we there yet? I gotta pee!! Dad!! Are we there yet?
If you keep that up, I'm gonna' turn this rapture right around, mister. No heaven for you!
Uh-oh, the dog just barfed in the back.
Nope, the dog's on the roof, as God and Mitt Romney intended.
Mom… Santorum keeps touching me with his… baby thingy…
Wot duz tihs saee? I cunt reed eneetihnk.
Gosh, if ya can't appreciate a Firesign Theater-ish response to an "If you can read this…" setup, you're hardly worth the effort.
Porgy? Porgy Tirebiter? Is that you?
No one can hear us in here…
I was planning on mowing the lawn but it is raining. God is so cruel.
Thank you for calling and sharing. Shall we move on to the next caller? Hello, and welcome to "Open For- <plop>
I just hope there are cats, dogs, great books, all the Powell and Pressburger films, Indian Food and cheese
And….(wait for it)…YOU!
Awww.
If there's no Dogs or Books, then it's not Heaven and I'm not going.
If there is a Heaven and there are Dogs, I'm going to have a whole lot of friends.
Have you ever seen “A Matter of Life and Death”? by the wonderful Powell and Pressburger? When our hero thinks he has died and gone to heaven , he chances upon a dog on the beach and he says “I always hoped that there would be dogs in heaven” it's a wonderful scene.
I love that movie. I listen to the Filmspotting podcast, and they did a Powell-Pressburger marathon. The Life and Death of Colonel Blimp was my favorite.
I'm more partial to The Thief of Baghdad, but I don't think they made a bad film together.
I am such a freak for their films, Matter of Life and Death and One of Our Airmen is Missing are my favourites. Unbelevably charming and orignal and smart and literate, what more coud you want in a flm?
Thanks, Liz, I'll look it up. Soon as I stop crying
It might just be the single most romantic film ever, men love it and women cry their eyes out and the hero quotes Andrew Marvell. Perfection.It was made as propaganda to encourage America to get into the war, but it works on every single level and it is completely original.
<a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/A_Matter_of_Life_and_Death_(film)http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/A_Matter_of_Life_and… />
And at a minimum, plenty of Pinots and Cabs, all of them more than 5 years old. And Christopher Hitchens with his voice back to remind us all that it can't be happening.
Oh and Beaches. How could I forget Beaches?
"A beach is a placewhere a man can feel/he's the only soul in the world that's real." – after all!
A lovely rocky coastline and chalk cliffs wth puffins
Nova Scotia. Got everything but Chalk. Plus, Lobsters!
Ain't you the guy who used to set the paces, riding up in front of a hundred Faces? I don't suppose you would remember me, but I used to follow you back in '63.
Yeah. I've got a good job and I'm newly born.
I'm gonna go take a little drive and see if that born-again guy I know with the 645i that I covet is around.
Fundie Christian whackos driving great cars; that's just wrong. If he's still here, you should take it from him anyway.
Those people should all be driving dilapidated vans and motorhomes painted with slogans, so you can seen them coming form a long ways off.
"so you can seen them coming form a long ways off. "
Also because they're jerks who don't deserve nice cars.
Can someone fill me in on why only 200M of the faithful get sucked off into the sky?
That effectively means the majority of faithful Christians will be tormented with plagues and disasters for 5 months along with the heathens. How the fuck does that make sense?
(HA HA I am an idiot)
The Old Testament showed us that God is a sadistic prick. I guess changing that now would be inconsistent with his character arc.
Because Catholics, Episcopalians (Papists without the Pope), Unitarians (hippies!), Lutherans, everyone but the evangelicals are going burn right along with the heathens, or so I was regularly told when I lived in Texas.
I heard that Wonkette will continue to exist, but only 12 people will be allowed to read it and comment.
P.S. The Calvinists say the quality of your comments do not determine if you will be among the chosen.
Sweet! I still have a chance then.
Very +1, baby.
Because "only" 200M people are that dumb.
If only.
Because Revelation was written when Christianity was just a small Jewish splinter cult that had few followers and 200,000 was a really big number to whoever wrote it.
I thought it was that, plus magical numbers: 12 X 12,000 = 144,000.
That's so gross!
A thousand times gross!
I read that as "a small Jewish sphincter cult". Makes sense to me – does it to you?
What cracks me up is the interview with receptionist at Family Radio headquarters who told reporter she doesn't believe in this rapture and is coming into work on Monday and that (she says) 80% of the employees don't believe in it. I'd say then far less than 200 million know they are going to be raptured. Surprise.
Fucking Religions, How Do They Work?
Step 1: Make up a religion.
Step 2: ?????
Step 3: Profit!! $$$$$
Do not take any numbers in apocalyptic books literally. Or anything else either.
Harold Camping owns a $70 million radio station, and says the world ends today.
Ken Layne owns a blog worth probably dozens of dollars, and won't come out and say if our world ends today.
BTW, your new moniker is blasphemy. Spurning beer is, well, a bad thing.
Ever since Left Hand Brewery stopped distributing in my area, the thrill is gone. Without Milk Stout, and with The Wonkette on death row, blasphemy is all I've got left.
Blasphemy is just sacred snark.
Besides which.. I liked the pun, or whatever you'd call the conversion from 'Burning Spear.'
We keep company among several teetotalers here on wonkette and I am the daughter of a beer/alcohol-spurner so all's I can say is, it's good news: More For Me.
Agreed. But I'll go a little further. I would like to follow up on my post last night where I told Jack to fuck himself for being a smug prick. So here goes. Ken, please fuck yourself. It is inexplicable that you put up two posts without confirming what is going on. It's cruel and unnecessary. You're an asshole. Also.
Blog software generally lets you schedule a post to go up at a given time. Ken even alludes to that in this post: "so we’ll just schedule this post to publish in the morning". It's entirely possible that Ken scheduled both posts to go up last night and didn't (and still doesn't) know that Jack implied something in his own post. After all, Wonkett usually doesn't work on the weekends.
So maybe wait and see before telling people to fuck themselves.
EDIT: Also, Layne is kind of known for buggering off to the high desert to fap in quiet solitude.
I concur. Maybe if we can focus our hive-mind and send a distress signal He will return to save us all from the Wonkapolypse (borrowed from a post further down).
Also, too: It just occurred to me that maybe we are misinterpreting Mr. Stuef's remark. Maybe he meant that Ken would have to make a difficult decision as to who to replace Jack with? Or it could just be that I'm stoned and grasping at straws….
FT, thanks for the info. I appreciate the input.
Ken did respond to my previous post, from Jack's bombshell story, where I told Jack to fuck himself. Ken's answer was elliptical and opaque. I think he just enjoys being a real prick sometimes. None of this is necessary, and he and especially Jack have shown a genuine disregard for the feelings their biggest fans and supporters.
Thanks for telling me about that Layne post. I'd been looking for comment from him. Actually, I feel better after having read it. It sounds more like a hiatus or a pay model or a change of format than packing it in forever.
Jack shouldn't have made that insinuation, I agree. But jesus, he's 22, and I think he probably didn't realize the effect it'd have.
but is it good for Israel
They seem happy now.
Well that's a relief. I was afraid there would be Cherubim. Those fuckers disturb me – with those tiny wings, the power-to weight ratio is all wrong.
Wait…if this is Heaven, why is the Rum all gone?
How do you feel about the F-104 Starfighter?
Bit of a lawn dart, wasn't it? But with extended wings from the Skunk Works it became the U2.
Beat me to it!
I miss Lawn Darts.
It was definitely the most fun one to play with in a primitive flight simulator game I bought back in, what, 1989?
I like the Skunk Works U-2 adaptation a lot better.
National Geographic has a new set of newly-declassified Area51photos, including Skunkworks A-12 development. Here: http://bit.ly/mOn9Dr
Well, that's just too cool. Thanks! Have to watch that one.
Wait…we bought the Titanium for the fastest super-secret spy plane on earth from…the USSR?!?
Jesus. We're usually the ones that Fuck Up at that level.
With enough horsepower, anything is possible.
They look real impressive in Assyrian art.
Fine with me – as long as they stay there & I don't have to deal with them in person.”Give me Bas-Relief!”
What about the 6-winged seraphim?
Now that might work, aerodynamically – if you could get the harmonic balance correct.
I'm gonna empathize with the faithful when their eagerly-awaited Hoovering-up in Jesus' Krazee Straw doesn't happen, because I got stood up on a date once and it's pretty demoralizing.
This nation is nothing but one large mental ward. The drooling is palpable. I don't see any way out of this nightmare.
Intellectual aliens. They will come and take the most interesting of us, the ones with the ability to think, reason and converse on a variety of subjects…away into the sky with them. I am working on the date and time.
Sounds good to me. Do you have a Church that I can give monies to?
Much as the church loves money, we are beseeching our followers to spend their monies on interesting books and activities now, so that there aren't long moments of nothing to say and lack of ideas of things to do (once we are away).
But can we take our pee-scores with us? Enquiring minds want to know.
Would that US churches would at least spend their money on beautiful buildings, music, paintings, etc.
I am intrigued by your writing and would like to subscribe to your newsletter.
Unfortunately I have been too busy reading and doing activities (see above) to write one yet. The road to salvation is a path of many interesting distractions, and the newsletter seems to keep ending up on the back burner.
Leaving a newsletter on the back burner is a fire hazard. Just sayin.
I think those aliens came to my house last Saturday. Real big fellas, silver, carried a book in script that I couldn't read but they said the title was "To Serve Man". Made me a huge dinner, cleaned up & then left. Said they'd be back.
Nice guys.
I came to the same conclusion when W was reelected, it is not a god feeling. Let me know if you see any daylight on this question, otherwise I have only one word for you: PASSPORT!
In heaven there is no beer
that's why we drink it here!
Happy Saturday! Off to see Pirates of the Caribbean 10: Sparrow gets first SSI check and is disappointed
i am jealous i was supposed to go today but my bff was sick.
also: i hear it is meh, but johnny depp is good in anything.
especially eyeliner.
I think if you go in with the expectation of a fun, mindless adventure flick, it definitely does the job.
Took my son and his friends to see it for his ninth birthday – they were all riveted, if that says anything.
Fuck – this means I have to go to Baltimore in June.
Is that like some kind of anti-rapture, where you get "taken down" to hell?
It will be muggy & disgusting, but, on the bright side, you can visit the Frank Zappa Memorial at the Enoch Pratt Free Library and there's pretty good beer.
Crab cakes…..mmmmmmmmm. Baltimore is awesome, dude.
Dats' Bawlamer, Hon!
A fish sandwich from Faidley's in Lexington Market, or a sausage sandwich from Pollack Johnny's, candy from Rheb's…
Heavy Seas Ale. Cat's Eye Pub, Sushi at John Steven's. It's All Good.
Layne, I'm not fooled by your affected posture of "everything's cool." Out with it. If we're done, just say so, so we go our separate ways. *sniff* I'll be all right…. *sniff* We can still be friends, can't we?
This was all an object lesson in rumor-spreading and -mongering. We all fell for the wonkopalypse just like the sheeple we mock. I am so sad.
Does my credit score improve in Heaven? Or does it travel with me? Goddamnit! Ooops, i mean…w/e
Imagine dying and going to heaven, and this was it. Like maybe we are all already there. Hey , cold beer, baseball, auto racing, Indy, (show us your tits). Hope its not like what I remember from before I was born. 'twern't much.
I've imagined heaven is a lot of standing around waiting for the moments you are supposed to sing praises to God, like an eternal monotonous nightmare. I can't imagine, with God that close and watchful, you would get to do anything *fun*. Until someone says you get to sin your ass off in Heaven as a reward for not sinning on earth, I don't actually see the selling point.
That's not Heaven, that's 'church.'
I was thinking FOX News. Oh, I guess that would be praise God, trash the president, and criticize spring break while showing films of wet T-shirt contests.
Imagine dying and going to heaven, and it's full of pious Xtian asshats. How is that even supposed to work?
In my heaven, the pious Xtian asshats are all in hell.
So far this rapture is proving to be a suck-fest. Can I have my money back?
Odd that. Some might think that a suck-fest would be Heaven.
There is sucking and then there is sucking.
It isn't 6:00 pm here yet, but I suppose no earthquakes says it all.
When the rapture doesn't happen according to plan (again), I wonder how many people will decide to 'go' anyhow…especially the ones who used up the last of their money. If they weren't so outright gleeful that the sinners would be left behind to burn in horrendous torment, I would pity them.
So, Sendai and the Fukushima Complex are in heaven already?
Funny, I'm supposed to be in Heaven, but I still wake up with a really BAD hangover.
Well now I know it's the end of the world. Ken referenced the Fucks News. (How on earth are we going to get through 2012 without decompressing on our beloved Wonkett?)
As a New York City Jew (redundant, I know), who subsists largely on Chinese and Indian food, this event has little impact on me.
I assume you went to the movies today.
I sure will.
(Dammit I won't make the before noon matinee!)
Bloomberg said if the Rapture occurs, he's going to eliminate alternate-side parking. So there's that, which is nice.
Meh – Bloomie knows that ticketing all the cars that weren't moved will be pointless, because their Ruptured owners won't be paying the fines.
"Native Americans Decry Use of 'Guangho' on Blog Post."
Are they dedicated to said cause?
Chinese halal?
If this ain't heaven Ken, I expect you to pick up my bar tab and pay my dealer for all the soothing that the near mass-hysteria generated by Jack's last post caused. Maybe you're just gonna put up a pay-wall, but Jack scared the bejeezus out of us.
Plus I need a recommendation for a salve for my private parts after all that desperate buttsecksing in anticipation of the end of Wonkette-world. Anyone?
Tiger Balm*
*You're a masochist, right?
Vicks Vapo-Rub, or Ben-Gay, or Icy Hot.
Thanks for your worthly suggestions. Um, you guys wouldn't be messin' with me, wouldya?
Of course not! Everyone knows camphor and clove oil are really soothing on the raw, chapped nether regions. Tingly!
There IS a presumption of masochism around these parts. And those parts.
Bag Balm it is, then.
NO DON'T! If you unwisely follow this advice, it'll be exciting but not fun.
I read that as "I need a recommendation for a slave for my private parts…"
Damn dyslexia.
Speaking of slaves, here's a 2000 year old joke:
Augustus was touring his Empire and noticed a slave in the crowd who bore a striking resemblance to himself. Intrigued he asked: "Was your mother at one time in service at the Palace?" "No your Highness," he replied, "but my father was."
If you want more evidence that the End Times are at hand, here's Matt Taibbi's latest paean to Gold Man Sacks, wherein Lloyd Blankfein barefacedly perjures himself to Congress:
http://www.rollingstone.com/politics/news/the-peo...
Lloyd Blankfein went to Washington and testified under oath that Goldman Sachs didn't make a massive short bet and didn't bet against its clients. The Levin report proves that Goldman spent the whole summer of 2007 riding a "big short" and took a multibillion-dollar bet against its clients, a bet that incidentally made them enormous profits. Are we all missing something? Is there some different and higher standard of triple- and quadruple-lying that applies to bank CEOs but not to baseball players?
Or presidents discussing their personal relations with chubby girls?
Well Blankfein said once that "GS was doing 'the Lord's work'."
I gave up on Taibbi when his supposed obit on Yeltsin turned out to be an ignorant rant about Russian peasants (by a guy who's never had dirt of his fingers, you can be sure).
Taibbi’s screeds often don’t stand up to rigorous scrutiny. But the old-fashioned bluster, calumny, bombast and excoriation are enjoyable. Since his pappy is still an NBC news guy, he’s probably a bit short on working-class credentials and calluses.
“old-fashioned bluster, calumny, bombast and excoriation” are why Ilisten to Bro Stair, Americas most vigorous hellfire & damnationpreacher.
Never Forget!
So that next time some idiot talks to Godman or interprets "sacred" text, we remind them of this lunacy.
The Jehovah's Witnesses have gone through this over twenty times, and they're still kicking. People like buying into bullshit.
But of course, global warming is LUDICROUS.
Let's hope we are wrong about our own demise.
Or: Ken = Godman
Mate, this ass clown predicted the Rapture in 1994. His followers don't care.
http://www.thinkatheist.com/profiles/blogs/biblic...
Yes, I find that pointing out the illogic of someone's thinking makes all the difference in the world. Received with gratitude and a willingness to reappraise their beliefs.
some idiot talks to
GodmanGoldmanfixed
tomorrow and tomorrow and tomorrow creeps in this petty pace from day to day to the last syllable of recorded time.
etc.
That's Heaven if you're Robert Mitchum.
So Jesus came back but it turns out all He wanted was for the Atlanta Thrashers to be raptured to Winnipeg?
I adore your hobo Senator. We need lots and lots of Sherrods.
Yup. One of the few remaining redeeming things about Ohio…
Seeing as he gave New Jersey Chris Christie, Xanadu and the Jets if we don't get zapped up to heaven on schedule, he's going to have face The Boss in the morning.
You remember the faces, the places, the names,
You know it's never over, it's relentless as the rain.
I am looking around for 71 virgins and I can't find even one. Perhaps this Rapture thing doesn't apply to Muslins.
Newsflash: it doesn't. I hope you got some Muslin heaven to go to- otherwise- you're screwed.
also, if this is fucking heaven why am i up so early?
It really IS Heaven–a Ken posting in the morning that doesn't yet have 300+ comments. Besides I know this rapture thing is not going to happen, because even my insane right-wing Facebook friends aren't buying it. Although they are all pissed about Barry's little Israel/Palestinian speech…see FB wall post from one:
"Dear Prime Minister Netanyahu: Many, if not MOST of Americans DO understand this critical misstep. I do not support the current U.S. president attempting to weaken and shrink Israel. I say this not only because God warns us against such action but because it is wrong to do treat our most important & vital Middle East Ally this way and I will stand up and say so."
I really wish the rapture would take this woman!
I wonder when Dumya had the same policy if she felt the same way. I hate these hypocritical fucks.
Bush wasn't a Jew hatin' Muslin A-rab sympathizer like Soetoro is.
Or black.
Funny, I don't remember foreign policy being one of the books of the Bible.
Sure it is. It's after the books of "Butt Sex is Bad" and "More Tax Increases".
Right. The Vatican must have taken those out before creating the Catholic Bible which makes sense given the church's history with Jewish people.
Oops, I meant "More Tax Cuts" — long night! Guess I need to write it on my hand like our favorite grifter.
Dear Prime Minister Netanyahu: I never thought this kind of thing would happen to me, but I was relaxing in a my hotel's hot tub when two Palestinian men approached, and….
"and I will stand up and say so." So would Charles "Legs" Krauthammer.
I really wish Barry would negotiate with the Republicans like this. Start with what Nixon proposed for health care for instance. And Regan's goal of zero nukes.
I hope I still have big tits in heaven , but I would like to be about 5'7" tall and be able to play stride piano.
Being 5'10, I hope I can find x-long pants in heaven. I've suffered high-waters all my life.
3-year-old MumbletyAvatar to freakishly's 3-year-old avatar:
"Someone's talking of doing a calendar of the wonkette laaadies. Does this swimsuit do me justice? put the 'boo who' in boobies?"
Is that really you? Good thing you pointed out to me you changed your avatar, I always look for it to fist and would have missed it.
Nah, it's a relative of mine. Circa 40s. Felt like a change.
But hell, change in small doses fer cripes' sakes, wonkette!! BABY STEPS (which my aunt is doing in this avatar: having a tantrum, a baby stranded on swimming-pool steps)
I'm 6 ft tall, I basically have to stick to 2 or 3 brands :/
You know Art Hodes, right? His "I'm Gonna Sit Right Down and Write Myself a Letter" is like listening to a very intelligent person speaking just to you, saying soothing things. So necessary on days like this.
I hope all your wishes come true!
I think big tits are popular every where even in heaven.
Liz, Liz. I read all your posts and enjoy them so I assume that you like men and you are well out of your twenties. Surely you know by now that a man who wants big tits in his women is looking for his mommy, not a woman.
Umm, I think that applies to all (heterosexual) men, ttommy.
I'm willing to concede that, recognizing that my subconscious is a big factor about which I know little (otherwise it would not be a SUBconscious, would it?). How about some heteros more than others, specifically those looking for big titted women?
So, ttommy, what are you looking for? (trick question)
You will. It's Heaven: where the Women are strong, the Men are Good-Looking and all the Tits are Above Average.
Oh, yeah: everyone plays Stride like Professor Longhair and blistering Blues Guitar like Eric Clapton.
I don't know about your heaven, old girl, but you will most assuredly have big tits in my heaven. In fact, I'm pretty sure there really won't be much of anything but your and your big, delicious boobies. Ahhh.
I'm sure everyone has the body and talents they want in Heaven. How short are you, if I may ask? I'm 5' 3" and live where I do in part so I won't feel like a sub-human.
I am 5'4″ , where do you live?? I want to live somewhere where I feel tall, MrLimeylizzie is 6'4' so we look a bit ridiculous and he is 20 years older than I am so he is often taken for my father.
Oh dearest, go to Maya country. I'm 5'5" and down in Chiapas or the Yucatan I am as a giant among men. It's actually a bit disturbing to have men/women that are roughly the same age as you basically "tit-high" on a pipsqueak like me. Eek!
I live in Kunming, Yunnan Province, China, next door to Burma, Laosand Viet Nam. Thailand is pretty close as well.Zhu Bajie
5'4″ would be about average for a woman in KM.On 5/22/11, zhu bajie wrote:> I live in Kunming, Yunnan Province, China, next door to Burma, Laos> and Viet Nam. Thailand is pretty close as well.>> Zhu Bajie>>
Wait, I just realized, I have no idea whether you're a man or woman.
Wow. Heaven is just like waking up with a hangover.
Sweet Jeebus close the curtains, my eyes!
As someone waking up with a hangover, I just want the fucking auto-body shop across the street to stop being open on Saturdays.
Wait a minute, I'm confused. I thought May 21 was the day that the sufficiently pure xtians got beamed up. Jeebus isn't coming for another few months, right? 'cause I was looking forward to seeing how much more fucked up this hell-on-earth can get before the apocalypse.
And Cthulhu also too.
I'm confused, too. I though Osama bin Laden went to a watery grave and the Prophet(eer) Camping was ascending into the firmament.
Obvs, downfisty McAsshole didn't get raptured, Godammit.
This proves there's no God.
Or proves downfisters weren't among the raptured? Sucks to be you, downfisty.
I saw Avenue Q when the touring company barely stopped in Tulsa. I'm glad I got to do that before 5:00 Central, just in case.
I'd guess most of them are living in a kind of Hell already.
We could file missing persons reports on ourselves to determine if we're actually here or have been airlifted to an alternate universe. Such a pesky existential question.
Jesus is coming! Everybody look busy!
OK!
(fap fap fap)
Jesus is coming… and boy is he pissed.
Jesus is coming an he has a message for teh fundies:
U R DOIN IT RONG.
Why would he be pissed if he's coming? He should be very happy while doing that.
Looking forward to 2012, the REAL end of days…
Hey… since this is heaven… can we clean it up a bit? That would be great… what a dump.
God is dead.
Sorry, but ya gotta clean up your own mess now…
Dayum! There's at least two trolls a' downfistin' in here. I'm upfisting you from -1, bro.
Love yer Haiku… Happy lootin'.
They just downfisting us 'cuz they think that'll get 'em "called up"… They don't quite realize the whole- Do unto others and Love thy neighbor- stuff that is the true story to the program they "think" they know…
True dat. I like to use Mohandas Ghandi's quote:
"I like your Christ, I do not like your Christians. Your Christians are so unlike your Christ."
Faced with a choice between (a) buying into the New Improved Recalculated Rapture Date, and (b) admitting that they're fucking stupid, what do you think these schlubs will do?
(c) Blame it on teh gays.
Yep…"This world has been so ruined by nasty filth that God gave up on us"… rhetoric in 3… 2… 1…
Double down.
The failure of the May 21st rapture means they are more right now, than ever!
W 2004!!!!
Go back to Mayan date?
Yah, this was just dress rehearsal for 2012, December I think?
blame it skience
Before enlightenment – empty ashtrays, make ice cubes. After enlightenment – empty ashtrays, make ice cubes.
/gassho
Amazing!!!!
Heaven looks exactly like New Jersey!!!!
Ew… sorry…
MINUS SNOOKIE I HOPE
Well, i've had a plateful of heaven at an Italian restaurant up by Secacus.
So how the hell is Jimmy Hoffa gonna get raptured? Is he somehow gonna just ooze through all those layers of stadium concrete? Seriously, I am deeply concerned.
Sincerely,
Deeply Concerned.
I hope it looks more like Island Beach State Park and less like the Raritan RIver Meadowlands!
Uh oh…limbo? As in "how low can you go". Hell probably.
But on the plus side, we all get to wear our really loud shirts printed with pineapples and palm trees.
That's the plus side?
Ken is a lot like I imagine god to be. They are both hanging us out to dry. To wallow in our own particular world of slime, while throwing us a morsel once in a while. All the while, waiting to visit plagues upon us.
Well, let me tell you Ken/god. There's a brave new world out there. Wait, I want Wonkette to run interference for me.
It's the old theodicy issue: if there is a benevolent editor-in-chief, how can s/he allow this sort of suffering?
I thought I heard Gabriel's trumpet this morning. But it turns out that was just my dog farting. He's old.
Well, dog is just god spelled backwards….
Me too, but it was ME farting.
From the LA Times, news that someone has put this end of the world business to good use:
On Facebook someone has created a page publicizing a "Pre-Rapture Orgy." The location: "Streets of America, Baby." As of mid-Friday, more than 6,300 people had messaged that they were "attending."
Yes, but Ken still hasn't answered the question we all have now: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rzY0VuS2pc0&fe...
I don't know about Judgement Day, but there was certainly something "left behind" in my bathroom this morning, if you get my drift! <rimshot>
Come on, Ken, stop being coy. Either you or Jack is fucking with us, and I'm old and deserve to be treated better than this. I am your elder.
Read last night's quotes. We offered money, sex and our first born if you just keep wonkette going. Surely that means something. Pretty please with sugar on it?
He's not being coy, Dusty, it's just plain cruel.
Maybe he's been raptured up
Downfistie McArsehole just passed through, gobbling p-ness as he goes. Fixed you all up.
I guess he's pissed that nobody's getting Ruptured today. Or maybe that he can't get laid.
If this is heaven, you can send me to hell. My car broke down this morning; I think she may be a goner, this time. It's funny, because I felt a sense of foreboding earlier this morning, not because of this prediction, but because of something else I couldn't quite put my finger on. Now I know what it was.
Good morning, liberal elitists! Enjoying your morning "smug" of coffee, no doubt, and congratulating yourselves for not buying into this Rapture biznis. After all, isn't that why Sallie Mae loaned you all that money, to send you to some school filled with faggots, treehuggers, hippies, and communists who told you there is no God.
And really, there's nothing like a liberal arts education to make you well-suited to (a) be poor as fuck (b) completely unhappy (c) and tell OTHER people (who in fact, seem very happy and fulfilled) that their happiness is stupid, they are stupid, their beliefs are wrong, & etc.
Feel better now? Feeling validated as you write out that check to Sallie Mae, wondering how you can possibly sell enough plasma to deposit in time so it will clear the bank.
Let's use one of those COLLEGE skillz you normally use while you're making my foot long meatball marinara sub on garlic herb bread toasted make it a combo please, and compare and contrast organized religion and a secular institution of equivalent power, say, Comcast.
If you were a Mormon, your social network (a real social network, not one where Zuckerberg gets rich when you click on shit) would support you and help you when you're down. Comcast: sends you mean letters and threatens to cut you off.
If you're a Jew, you have a sense of community and tradition dating back more than five thousand years, to when Moses led the dinosaurs in the war against Yul Brenner. If you subscribe to Comcast, you have a sense that you're not quite getting a full 10Mb download as promised in your service agreement.
If you're a Catholic, you take pride as a pioneer of ethnic cleansing, taxation, and low self esteem. Comcast? It's just Comcastic. With Power Boost.
In short, now that the real Christians have flown to Heaven, maybe it's a great time to get baptized.
Who are you and what have you done with the real Troubledog? Hengh?
I hath not forsaken thee. In three days I will arise and you will join me in the kingdom of heaven. Or Busch Gardens.
Oooh, Bush Gardens. So that's why W was always clearing that brush.
The best news I could ever hear is that the "real" Christians have flown off to heaven. I'm sure the vast majority are also non-liberal arts graduates, the dullest kind of people I have ever known. Hopefully they'll be able to spend their time in Heaven doing what they do best, boring each other to death, and talking about their boring vacations and boring kids, driving their behemoth vehicles to the mall and Home Depot, and discussing their lawns. Or is it Heaven they're going to? One wonders.
Needs more blini.
If I didn't know any better, I'd think you didn't like Comcast…and us, too. Also.
The Christians aren't getting taken away, enmasse today, apparently. We're all a little bitchy.
Mainly, I was just trying to be funny, of course. There has been a notable lack of funny around here lately. And we are all waiting for what we perceive to be a very bad piece of news about our future. So why not troll a few retards along the way?
Have been giving this quite a bit of thought. Which is the precursor event? Content quality slide leading to decreasing revenue spiral and extinction? Or did a revenue slide lead to a condition where the content producers could not be paid?
Which came first? Did lame content create financial collapse? Or did financial collapse beget lame content.
You're forgetting about Trigate/Trig Gate. Everything kind of spun out of control after that. Things got different quickly.
I was thinking the same thing. And if the retard Palinites fucked this up for us…….
Ken, I'll do paywall. Don't let the hookworms win!
I hear ya but you know, that seemed more like the coup de grace; a final blow. Like removing the feeding tube or pulling the plug. Things had been headed to shit town for quite some time. I remember thinking that it was the blogger's equivalent of "suicide by cop"
And this is not a personal indictment of anyone, just an observation from someone who loves this community and remembers the good old days. Such as they were.
"There has been a notable lack of funny around here lately."
Hey, that's morally weak talk.
SOMEONE HELP ME!!! I'm stuck to the ceiling of my living room.
Fistworthy.
I've risen, and I can't get down!
Just like Powdermilk Bisquits.
Heavens! They're tasty….
If you're stuck on the ceiling, you're not doing it right.
BTW, great avatar.
Seconding Negropolis… where have I seen that avatar pic before?
Probably not my blog, since I get about 10 visitors a day. More likely you've caught the movie Kung-Fu Hustle. It's the screaming Landlady.
Awesome.
This sort of thing is exactly why I come here.
Downfist troll is up early today!
Death Never Sleeps.
He's on patrol, hoping that Ken kills off our little community before the Rapture.
I was watching MSNBC Live with Alex Wit(?) about an hour ago and she had on some lisping, Southern Baptist pastor from Dallas with his $2 dollar suit and shit-eating grin the size of Texas talking about why the guy that predicted this is wrong, and he was all cordial and amiable for a good portion, and then all of a sudden he says something to the extent of "you know, back in the Bible when prophets were wrong, the people would stone him to death" while still smiling he then said "I'm not saying saying we should stone the guy, but he better be quiet". It was so incredibly awkward. Nobody blinked, and they just wraped it up.
We live in truly interesting times, we do.
According to the Bible, we should also stone the people who pick up sticks in their yards on Saturday….
We don't have enough stones.
Or if they say "Jehova"?
So you've moved on from this mortal world. Don't worry you'll spend eternity with a pack of hypocritical god bothers barking praises at The Almighty's Feet! Welcome to Eternity! Eternity… Eternity… eternity..eternt.. y.
So, anyone got any plans for the when the world is going to end next year, you know, a few months after the re-election of Barack Obama?
Except that instead of being raptured up, a bunch of people's heads will explode
Like mine does knowing there a still Republicans around?
I plan to watch the sky over Jackson, MS go dark as the raptured bodies rise to heaven. Then watch the NASCAR All-star Race as the spectators and drivers (some drivers) lift from the ground toward heaven. Flying cars are finally here.
I'll be watching a dirt-track race. It'll be about business as usual, though. Hard to tell which drivers got raptured, since they're always crashing into each other anyway.
Soccer here. I'm not worried about much of anyone getting raptured.
Although, come to think of it, that would be yet another way for Becks to blow off playing for the Galaxy.
You know, if this really does happen NORAD's gonna have a helluva time shootin' down all these bastids violatin' our airspace 'n setch.
See, this is why we should have had a Star Wars network
If we had only listened to Edward Teller…!
So, CNN is reporting that Herman Cain is about to announce that he's running for president in Centennial Park in downtown Atlanta. I'm wishing it was the end of the world, right about now. It's make a helluva lot of sense.
I think that's why the Rupture has been postponed — God was ready to smite us, then Herman decided he's going for it, and Jesus said, "Wait a minute, Dad, I want to see how this turns out!" So we're good until November 2012.
Which is what the Mayans said. Which I'm really hoping is just a huge coincidence.
Parks have presidents in the dirty souf? Where is that permitted in the Constitution?
Local Cracker-Asses here in North Georgia are feigning ecstasy over this Uncle Tom sold-out corporate whore. Fucking amazing!
This is good news…for Herman Cain.
A nice steaming pot of tea is what gets me going in the morning, and if that didn't happen, I'd never get around to earning the IPAs that are my reward at the end of my long workday. It's the circle of
lifeliquids.Apocolypse not.
In the words of some old guy, who holed up in a basement, during the Summer of Love: "You ain't going nowhere"
…I don’t care
How many letters they sent
Morning came and morning went
Pick up your money
And pack up your tent
You ain’t goin’ nowhere
Whoo-ee! Ride me high
Tomorrow’s the day
My bride’s gonna come
Oh, oh, are we gonna fly
Down in the easy chair!
Buy me a flute
And a gun that shoots
Tailgates and substitutes
Strap yourself
To the tree with roots
You ain’t goin’ nowhere…
Sun, Sand, Six-Figure Salary? Some lifeguards in California making more than $100,000.
The Pamela Anderson effect
Sun, Sand, Six-Figure Salary? Some lifeguards in California making more than $100,000. — Fox News
And yet, the Fox Newsers are somehow UNDERPAID. Maybe they need a union!
Sure, because the cost of living in SoCali is sooooo fucking low you can survive on $25K a year.
Hell, I make $60K, and I'm fucking broke.
Tales of a big beardy man in the clouds who will reward you with his presence (presents?) if you behave sounds exactly like the sort of thing you would tell children to get them to behave.
Wait… Ken Layne does have a beard…
Today, we are all Ken Layne's beard.
Fuck, that's nasty.
You, sir or madame, have won the post-rapture.
As long as you got enough in the almost empty bottle to get you straight enough to get to the liquor store then you are OK for another day in paradise.
Done and done!
"Those whose salaries are in question point out that they hold management roles, have decades of service…[they] train more than 200 seasonal lifeguards who make between $16 and $22 an hour, run a junior lifeguard program that brings in $1 million a year and oversee safety on nearly seven miles of sand."
Fox "News" of all people should know that management can make up to $250K, which is "not really a lot of money".
Besides, the main advantage these jobs hold is that they are NOT employees.
That means they don't have to wash their hands in the restroom…
In Real America they don't need lifeguards. The Invisible Hand snatches you out of the drink when you start to drown.
management can make up to $250K, which is "not really a lot of money".
Yet $50K for a teacher's salary is outrageous.
So, the teachers then are only guarding 1/5 of seven miles of sand. Which is, like, hardly any sand. I think I've found that much sand in my shoes. Teachers, bah!
Wouldn't it be funny if Camping got the day right and the religion wrong. What if at 6:00 PM, all the taxi's became unmanned and had towels left on the front seats.
Whoa. With that one twist you just turned this whole ordeal into the plot for an awesome Philip K Dick novel! Well done.
Or if Layne wrote a book about it, the book would be named DESPAIR and have photos of abandoned taxis and hopeless people huddled around burning barrels with fingerless gloves.
"And then I heard a great silence, as if thousands of cabbies stopped honking at every fucking thing."
Oddly enough, both the Red Sox and Yankees are yankees, but the Red Sox don't wear red socks….
Cannot believe down fist troll downfisted you for making a very astute observation. Rays fan, natch.
This is the worst Rapture day I've ever had!
I know. Now I have to make my fucking bed. Fucking Punxsutawney God.
Maybe Camping misunderstood his vision and God was really trying to tell him that he'd have a rupture today and to avoid moving heavy things.
Jesus is coming – hope you like bukkake.
Just thought I would stop by one last time to give my goodbye. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fxCUyy_aVzA
never liked you lot anyway.
TOO SOON!!?!
Well, if no one else is going to say it:
Armageddon tired of all this talk about the End of the World.
No…no need to thank me.
What's all this talk about alpaca lips? They're not much different from llama lips, are they? And sure, they can spit and everything, but you just gotta . . . What? Apocalypse? Oh. Nevermind.
AlpacaLips Now. “The Horror, the Horror.”
no need to thank me
I agree completely.
Thankless Jobs are my specialty.
We all have a unique skill set. Carry on!
Are we being killed or sold? (Please, massa', spare us.) How about by midnight we all order Ken's book? Wait. He still could kill us.
Okay, if Ken doesn't kill us, we all order his book or send him money directly, whichever he prefers?
Who's with me?
I'm with you. If buying Ken's book would keep Wonkette on the air, I'll buy ten copies. Never mind that it's an e-book, so you can't really buy ten copies unless you have ten Kindles or something. But I'd buy one, that's for sure!!
Just like how, if I get to Heaven and there are no dogs, I don't want to be there, if I'm left on this world and there's no Wonkette, I don't want to be here either.
It's a bit ironic that Ken, with all his ranting at the modern world, only has his book available through the soulless Kindle thingy, so those of us like myself who only read real books and have vowed to never own one of those damned electronic readers can't buy it. And I tried to buy it, before seeing I couldn't.
I have a Kindle. It was a gift. What can I do?
I've bought a decent number of books for it, maybe 12?, many of which were "e-book only", so I was kind of buying them to show support to the author. I've actually only read two books all the way through on the Kindle, I think. It's not a terrible concept and it actually works pretty well.
Honestly, though, I still have stacks of paper books that I haven't had time to read yet, so I'm working on those first.
I don't consider the e-readers as necessarily bad things even though I formerly earned by daily crust in the printing industry. I haven't (and won't) but one because I tend to lose stuff–I leave gloves, books, that kind of thing, anything portable anywhere I put them down. I don't think a $200 e-reader with hundreds of dollars in downloads on it would be any different.
Just like how, if I get to Heaven and there are no dogs, I don't want to be there, if I'm left on this world and there's no Wonkette, I don't want to be here either.
It reminds me of the Morrissey line:
I lie in my bed I think about life and I think about death and neither one particularly appeals to me.
and this.
This is intolerable. First Wonkette doesn't end. Then Wonkette posts that the world, has not, in fact ended. You know what this growing feeling in the pit of my stomach is, Ken? It's hope. And you know who else gave us hope, briefly, once?
Mr. Rogers?
Crystal Method?
Howard Jones hopes you find the answer.
Donald Trump?
Arthur C. Clarke?
Princess Leia?
Oprah?
And now she's coming to an end too. Along with Katie Couric, Mary Hart, Regis…it's all falling apart.
We're ok in Europe–some pretty impressive t-storms in the late afternoon, but by 6 it was calm and beautiful. Maybe I am in heaven. But then so's that guy who starts drinking beer around 9 in the morning and beats his dog.
This.
What stupid mass hysteria. Some loon calculates the end of the earth from the time of Noah's ark, and people actually pay attention. Plus, he used the wrong date for Pinocchio's birthday, so this can't be the day.
Um Ken…I think Jack was your last editor. Do you want me to write a few things for you this week, until the Onion sends over an intern?
Aren't Gary Bauer and Ralph Reed at least missing?
Before making that final decision, Ken, just think of how many Rightards you'd make happy if you folded. No one wants that, Ken.
Great. People are making Rapture jokes like there's no tomorrow.
Badumbum.
By a vote of 5-4, the Supreme Court granted a stay of the Rapture.
Danm! That Anthony Kennedy fellow switched sides again!
That seems out of character for them.
But then, maybe we are all in heaven now, because – ooh, baby, do you know what that's worth? – ooh, heaven is a place on Earth.
Heh. No surprise, Camping has changed the goalposts. I am hearing "6 pm Eastern" and "6 pm California" now that 2/3 of the planet has just had a normal Saturday.
He lives in a small town not far from Berserkley and is listed on whitepages. My atheist BFF is considering going over and leaving clothes.
(Me, I'm off to the church to feed some poor folks chicken dinner at our monthly free meal.)
I'd like to be there when he finally comes around to take down the "Gone Camping" sign from the front door. Although a hike in the woods, after tonight, is probably worth his consideration.
At least Sharia doesn't have any of this flying people crazy talk. Sharia is a thinking man's religious dogma. I checked the Bible and having some trouble finding the part with the flying people and stuff. Saw a lot of material about loving thy neighbor, being merciful and kind, humble, and stuff like that. Not so much flying.
It's back there in the, waddayacallit… the older part that has all the smiting, talking trees, begatting with multiple wives and murdering people who worship differently.
But it's a pretty obscure, read-between-the-lines, easily misinterpreted kinda passage. In other words, a great thing upon which to base your entire worldview.
Ohhhhh…the JEWISH part. Riiiight. Got it.
Oh, the flying people shit is definitely in the New Testament, too. It's in some of the smaller books, and then all the crazy-meta shit in Relevation.
I’m playing it both sides of the fence
1. Release the animals from the Zoo ~ Check
2. Wear clean underwear ~ Check
3. Unplug the Coffee Pot and Iron ~ Check
4. Stay out of Airplanes and Taxis ~ Check
I saw Jesus just this morning. He cut my lawn and trimmed the hedges. His fees are reasonable and his work is impressive.
And he smiles and touches the brim of his hat when you hand him his $15.
So polite, that one. I think he might be Canadian.
This is awesome! Apparently Hitler and Michael Jackson make the cut…
http://digitallife.today.com/_news/2011/05/20/668...
If I were someone still waiting for this rapture to manifest, I'd be starting to feel a little like Linus in the pumpkin patch right about now.
I'd be feeling a bit more like Charlie Brown after Lucy pulled the fucking football away, again, as usual.
So, apparently we can't cank now?
We are headed out to the after rapture party. Or if the Rapture still happens it will be a going away party. Either way much good food that is bad for you and red wine will be consumed. I hope they have more raptures, I like parties.
Jesus Christ will escort the Christian elect to Heaven, while the rest of us face God's Last Judgment.
Frankly, I much prefer to face that dago monster Scalia's Last Judgment. You know, the one where has a massive brain aneurysm during closing arguments, poops his robes and collapses into a quivering pile of hate-flesh. That's what I want to face.
God's Last Judgment isn't even in the top five, not with contenders like Clarence, Sammy Alito and John Yoo.
It's Sunday morning in Fiji and we're all still here.
Sort of makes me ill to think of all the dough that "Pastor" Camping took in to spread messages of Fake Doomsday that could have been used for real, live WWJD-type stuff like, you know, feeding the hungry and clothing the naked…because if you read the stuff in the Bible about the Great White Judgment Throne, it's your failure to do just that which will piss God off and cast you into Hell.
Meanwhile, the Family Radio website has been 404 most of the day, and I keep going back to the Wonkettes waiting for Ken's Great White Judgment Throne post to appear. What a frustrating day, waiting for Doom from two different angles.
No one at Fox News better ever be drowning.
Ken, you know we could always have a whip-round. Put a button on the site to donate, say, ten bucks, and I am sure many of us would contribute. Maybe even downfisty troll, cause what else is he going to do if Wonkette goes down?
Payup…..pal.
Dude moved the goalposts yet again. Now he's saying midnite Jerusalem time, about 30 minutes from now. And it seems a giant Icelandic volcano just went off. Might not want to cancel your Post Rapture pet sitting services yet.
Lotta updates on this one. Why the hell isn't Steuf liveblogging thi… oh. Yeah.
Well, it's midnight in Jewjewsalem and nada. And ur Icelandic volcano is just the usual low-level spewing. I say we find a wonkette operative in the Bay Area who can put Mr. Camping to bed with a nice cup of chamomile tea, and maybe change the depends.
ZOMGZ 6.0 mag earthquake in New Zealand!!!!!!1
Seriously, normal geophysical activity has to give them some hope…
I've been watching airplanes takeoff and land from my undisclosed aquatic location all day, and I have yet to see any of them fly out of control due to Rapturous pilots.
Maybe some unnamed editor-in-chief is feeling a bit under-appreciated. Maybe since we have spent a night wailing and crying out "Why, Oh Layne, hear our prayers" He will hear our prayers and restore us all to Wonkitude.
Why doesn't he insist we all buy his book to get wonkette back? We'd all do that.
Would we hafta read it too?
I'm not paying for a Kindle book – it won't work on my Nook! Call me when it gets to Barnes & Noble.
At least it wasn't a half-full beer with ciggie butts in it that you woke up to and took a good-morning swig out of. DAMHIKT.
I'm sure that even after the Rapture, my Corporate Lords will still find a way to convey to me that my 2011 Integrity Training is overdue.
OMG I don't even want to know.
DId you do your computer security training yet???
THE RAPTURE IS GOOD NEWS FOR JOHN McCAIN
HERMAN CAIN TOO !!!!
Was he Able?
You should be shipped to Bagram for that. No one has lost any.
Wish the world had ended somewhere between 2 and 4 to save me from the worst goddamn graduation speeches I've heard in 20 years. Plus it was like 100 degrees in there and two million inside my robe.
I take you're on the faculty side of graduation.
Sorry about the heat. I went to a high school graduation this week that was unseasonably cold. Sat on a folding chair on a football field and listened to five speeches from 18-year-olds. I was expecting the usual tripe about hitching your wagon to a star, making the world a better place, our generation is the hope of the world, blah, blah, blah. Even "Jesus in my lord and savior and better be yours, too," given this was in Arizona.
What did I get? Five versions of WHOO HOO!!! We're the greatest graduating class in human history! Our four years of high school rocked! My friends are the bomb! The valedictorian compared their lives-to-date (in excruciating detail, with quotations) to the plots of the Toy Story movies ("perhaps the greatest cultural touchstone to our generation"). One young lady recounted a spring break trip she had taken with three classmates where they had been terrified by zombies that turned out to be, surprise!, imaginary — thus learning the important life lessons (1) things aren't always what they seem and (2) her friends are the bestest EVAH!! And, just in case you didn't get the message, the class of 2011 is 11 on a scale of 1 to 10!!!!!!!!!!!!
Well, at least the school orchestra was better than I expected, so my tax dollars haven't been completely wasted. A bunch of white kids can probably play piano in a bar when they discover they're otherwise unemployable.
Why the rapture didn't happen: http://yfrog.com/h0bwdjej
I like the fact that possibly one of the last posts has "you're" in the headline twice. WaPo would have just just put "your" without irony.
This doomsday sucks.
Dammit glamourdammerung, I made that joke upstream. But I heartily upfisted you anyway because it could be my last upfist…in more ways than one.
Sorry if I harshed on your gig there.
But I doubt I am the only one that is kind of disappointed that America's version of the Taliban did not get sucked out into space today.
fUk…Fck….Ahem! FuC…FUKE… Uhh? Phuck!
Dammit…Know wonder Jeebus didn't take me today.
FUCK!
Well…it's about 6:01. No earthquakes it seems. Back to drinking!
Got a little cloudy here. No Trumpet of Doom, no Heavenly Host. Pretty lame if you ask me.
You fools! It doesn't start until 6 pm Pacific Daylight Savings Time! Where the Profit is! You've got about 2 1/2 hours to drink up, then it's last call for alcohol!
Oh. My. God.
It's 6:04pm and the BEER IS COLD ENOUGH TO DRINK. IT'S A SIGN. A SIGN I TELL'S YA.
And to all, a merry evening.
LOOK EVERYBODY LIMBAUGHS BEIN RAPTURED!!1!
http://www.sydbarrettpinkfloyd.com/uploaded_image...
Jeebus would probably get a hernia if he tried to rapture Limbaugh.
It moved?
Even funnier than Wonkette today [incredible as that may seem]
Bad Biz Model to Blame for Rapture Fail
It's 6:30 an there have been no earthquakes yet. It seems nice outside, so I'll be going there, and try to spot any annoying Christians.
It all makes sense now. God is coming because of the Gheys, yet "gay pride" was created by God and is part of God's Plan to bring about the End of Days. Ergo, God Loves Fags and is cool with gay marriage. Did I get that right?
http://www.familyradio.com/PDFS/gay_pride.pdf
Hmm. Looks like the only thing that's disappeared is Family Radio's web site. And Harold Camping, of course. And millions of dollars from the flock.
Fucking stupid Christians, I din't believe your nonsense when I was 10.
My theory is that some people have a built-in Immunity. I never bought it either.
Still, it was great fun to torment the nuns at St. Mary's Elementary.
So, Sister Yvonne, you told us about original sin and how babies who die go to limbo, but if they die before they're born they go to heaven, right? So what happens if a baby gets half way out and dies instantly? Do the two halves go to different places? Or does God flip a coin or something? What if the priest was right there and baptized just the half that was out? Then what?
Oh, and another thing. How do you get out of purgatory? Is there like a chart or something? What if you actually do even worse things while you're there? What happens then Sister Yvonne?
Sister Yvonne, why do you put a paper bag around that bottle you're always drinking from during Catechism class?
Good times, good times.
It's doomsday, and all we got was this lousy death watch for wonkette? Sheeyet.
You got that right DBB, but I got to say, the gallows humor rocks on this thread.
True sign of the End of Days, but GREAT NEWS for retired pizza guys with "Cain" in their names.
http://www.latimes.com/news/politics/la-pn-herman...
Man…all of this talk about the end of the world could make my blood vessels rapture.
I hope you're tasteful and hide your boner like that gentleman Lindsay Graham.
It's quiet where I'm at. Maybe a little too quiet?
Nah. Just quiet.
CNN and the rest are pissing me off. Don Lemon is enterviewing Stephen Baldwin, right now, about the end times prophecy as if its any more a legitimate issue to believe in the end times than to predict it. They've had on Christian "experts" all day as if they are somehow less looney/more accurate than those that made today's prediction. I realize Saturdays are a slow news day, but this isn't entertaining at all.
It's like Roth from Miami, we've been dying of the same heart attack for millenia.
(BTW, since we are all going to die, or be disconnected, I will not waste my time looking up the plural of millenium.)
I saw the same thing and switched to the NY rep race debate for a minute while I surfed for something better. But teevee sucks on Saturday.
Who in their right mind asked that idiot Baldwin about anything except what kind of drug he took to fuck up his brain. That would be good lesson for all you kids to avoid that one.
i bet they picked a weekend for rapture on purpose.
OK, so Jesus is a little slow on the return trip. But when do we get to see Randy "Macho Man" Savage again?
They said today would be The Rapture, but it turned out to be The Fapture…
This explains the fuck up:
http://theoatmeal.com/comics/rapture
It's just before 8 am here in Kunming and I see no signs of anyone raptured. I don't think that even the local born-again minority was aware of Camping's meshugas.
Guys, Jesus did return today–winning the Preakness Triple Crown race at 6:15 EST: http://www.sbnation.com/2011/5/21/2183378/preakne...
Shit, I had all my money on Kegasus.
Given the time and place of his birth, Jesus was probably about the height of a jockey, so I guess this wouldn't be a stretch.
I'ma go grab me a DQ milkshake. Fuck all this waiting around.
Short shot-in-the-dark for me. Shot of espresso in a small cup of black coffee, then porters and/or stouts after 6.
Here in California I'm enjoying the first of my last two pre-rapture Martinis at 5:24 PM. Funny how there's no news about devastation in the Eastern, Central and Mountain time zones yet. Of course Arizona's exempt because not even God knows what time it is there.
Damn you, don't drink before I start.
I was in Costco, thinking of you at 4 PM my time. I knew you'd die laughing if I died in Costco. I'm alive and I have a 5 gallon jar of ranch dressing to live for. Woo hoo!
Aren’t you dead or raptured yet? “New” Mexico’s on Mountain Time, nicht wahr?
Drinking a Black Butt porter in Oreygone at 5:38, no tremblers yet. If we are gonna get the quake I want Shake it Up Baby in Isley Bros' 3/4 time not the Wonderbread 4/4 versions. Just sayin'.
How ‘bout Jerry Lee Lewis kicking out the piano bench on Ed Sullivan doing “Whole Lotta Shakin’ Goin’ On”?
Black Butt Porter! I drank that at the get-together in Bellingham after my mama's memorial service three years ago. I may spurn beer, but I savor porter.
I'm still alive and kicking, couldn't you just scream!
I'm just two pounds shy of my ww goal but last night was so depressed at the wonket news that I was thinking, WTF? It's the end of the world. Just make the 15 min. drive into town and get that Hot Fudge Sundae from the Sonic (blue company–and OK company) that you've been thinking about all day. But didn't.
Coming home from a wedding today, where none of us were raptured (would have been perfect timing. I was in a church) I thought WTF? Celebrate the earth not opening to swallow me–go have that Sundae you've been thinking about.
Now, if there is an earthquake, I might be too plumpy (my 5 year old granddaughter explained that was the polite term for "fat") to fit in the whole. Excellent!
Wellll….the Wonkette news isn’t news yet. There’s hope. There’s got to be hope. That was God’s message with the dove after the flood, right? Didn’t He promise us?
The whole what, sundae?
Just kidding — I think this was covered in the discussion above about the theological implications of baptizing a baby that has not yet been fully delivered…
Stay strong, DBB. My wife is in Weight Watchers, too. Just keep in mind, fruits are points-less in the new system. Have two peaches and some blueberries instead of that sundae. You need to get down to war-blogging weight, so you can save the weekly WW fee to use for Pay-Per-View Wonkette, maybe, starting next week.
Forgot to mention: the world needs the wonkette. Let there be snark!
*sigh* Jesus stood me up.
Barb, if you chug your 5 gallon jar of Costco ranch dressing, you'll rapture. Trust me on this, chug the whole thing and you'll rapture and become one with Dog.
Hilarious, thanks!
They were handing out food samples at Costco. That always makes it so much worse to try to shop in there.
All right, I've switched to a 2006 Fess Parker "American Tradition Reserve" Pinot, since the bottle was already open and it's the end of the world and everything. Bought one of those "Vinturi" devices to aerate wines by the glass, and it seems to make a difference. Particularly after two Martinis.
I hope Barb will tell us what she's drinking…
I'm drinking diet beer.
I was looking forward to the rapture if it would result in a world with no Mo Rocca.
I have about 2 more hours worth of work to debug this stupid software then I can return to computer normalcy.
You deserve better than that. weejee — what do you recommend?
One thing we've learned about Jeebus: He's not all that trustworthy.
He has to show up for work once in 2000 years and can't make it. Let's face it – Jesus isn't a carpenter any more, he's a contractor.
“Oh you want the full Rapture? That’s gonna cost you, and I can’t start till next month.”
What have we learned here today? Never sub out your rapture to an 89 year-old grifter.
♪♫ Oh de Harold Campingtown grifters sing dis song
doo dar, doo dar
Campingtown raze track 25K miles long
Oh dee doo dar day ♫♪
Ok now. How many people here think that Harold Camping just beat feet on his hapless Followers, will make a stop for an Unscheduled Withdrawal of 60 mil at the Cayman Islands and will end up at his version of an Abbotabad Secure Compound?
Except that Harold's Compound will be securely on the beach in the Dominican Republic with easy access to unlimited amounts of Blow and Fat Young Boys?
We'll see him in about 5 years, for the Interpol Perp-Walk.
Harold may well be spending a year dead for tax purposes by now.
Douglas Adams Reference, For The Win!
You wish. He's been wrong before to no consequence. Perp walk? If he lives long enough to make another prediction, he'll be right back to stealing people's money and and being showered with wall-to-wall media coverage. This guy is the opposite of a pariah in this brain-dead nation.
That's what my head says, but my drunken heart says Retribution. Look up what became of the Millerites in the 1800's – same deal.
Six-oh five and the left coast is still here. Alaska & Hawaii, it's your chance to shine.
Keep you eye on USGS.gov
Is that USGS the US Grifters' Survey, a division of Palin Products, Inc., or that collection of rockhounds and mapmakers?
You gotta admit they give good cartography, or used to. Some of those maps are works of art.
Especially when they play Hockey… 'cuz they suck at that… but,"Hey… its that Yanks." Yeah… YANK THIS!
I haven't seen that one. I've seen the five movies that were in the marathon, and I enjoyed every one of them. The Archers rank up there with Billy Wilder for me. Although, to be fair, Wilder has an unfair advantage with The Apartment.
I can't recommend Thief of Baghdad enough. It's been ripped off many times (most notably Disney's Aladdin took a LOT from it, right down to Miles Mallison's Sultan character wholesale… not to mention the villain, Jaffar) probably because it's a visual treat. Plus, it has Sabu in it and he's always fun.
Also, last I checked, it was streaming on Netflix, if you have Netflix.
I do! Thanks for the recommendation.
The hero quotes Marvell? This I have to see.
Plus – David Niven! I might just pick up Netflix, specially for this.
Oh and he is just terrific in it, he's young and really appealing.
WTF? How haven't I seen this film. I love Niven – although my introduction to him wasn't through film but through his wonderful book The Moon's a Balloon (I was about ten when I read it – the description of him losing his virginity is sensational).
I cannot tell you how wonderful this film is, I watch it at least once a year.
One of our aircraft is missing is not on the netflix list. Bummer,
booked MLD tho, thanks
Sitting here with a 7 week old kitten, who has taken the name jack sparrow, in my lap, life is good, ignoring wonkette editor vibes.
Everything we find of great, or even mild, importance will come with us as long they give us feelings of well-being and not of anxiety. Credit scores, for instance, are staying behind.
I nominate her for the calender!
I read it when I was a kid, too. I think I was closer to 14. I still remember that part of the book.
Oh god, I remember that one. I think…
Life is change. Fuck it!
When we look back, (whatever happens), we will see that the end of the ridiculous Bush Administration, disillusionment, and Intense Debate had A LOT more to do with wounding the spirit of snark on this site than the Trig Screw crowd.
(Sorry to be so serious, but Ken, this sword of Damocles over my head is killing me.)
Tommy is obviously familiar with the saying "More than a handful's wasted."
I'd like to clarify that there definitely was a decline in the content that long preceded Trigate. I know this because I was originally part of this site back in late 2007/early 2008 (LowerdPeninusla) during the election and it was just crazy creative at the time. For whatever reason, I drifted away from here almost immediately after the election and didn't get back around this way until sometime around the spring/summer of last year.
My point was that a site can survive a slow decline; you can recover from disillusionment and political cycles, but the thing started to COMPLETELY unravel and spin out of control after Trigate.
Actually, that's "Mouthfull".
What about SUV's? Oh you just are too uppity to appreciate the beauty of a transportation machine that can also entertain with built in DVD players and noise canceling headphone. Tell you what, one ride and you will easily equate an on board DVD player with sliced bread.
No shit. Why so big, ugly and boxy. Like Walmart. Also, why so many?
Well although I lean towards
stoatsstouts and porters, that is because they are meaty enough to skip dinner and just drink, However, if it was to be my very last last brewski, I'd try to go out very hoppy and suggest Russian River's Pliny the Younger, 11% abv alcohol and triple-hopped. For raptures, I'd skip the Hopey and go with hoppy trails.Barb: you’ve been guided by an obvious connoisseur; go and do likewise, and abjure the diet beer because that ver concept is too weird.I like a good stoat now and then myself, but they are kinda stringy.
I have a case of Big Kahuna beer, Kona Brewing Fire Rock Pale Ale is not too shabby.
I just saw that about 2 months ago and thought… "Yeah… me too" Awesomeness.
More than a mouthful is dessert…
(Why do I feel like I'm in 6th grade?)
Happens whenever we talk about Boobies. We cherish our inner Sixth Grader.
I hate cars in general.
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