According to the world’s major news organizations, the biggest news story on Earth right now is some made-up End of the World freakout — all because some wacky old man with those radio stations broadcasting the religious stuff just cold decided the world was going to end today! Old people are weird. And the Wonkbot is back, with what is perhaps the final terror alert for any of us.
Also: New Zealand survived the Rapture! Good for them, we guess.
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i'm cool either way.
Also, Easter is canceled. They found the body.
WIN
And…?
I realize that this is a shameful part of American history that we should never forget, but it's too much.
Wow, um, making fun of reasonable reactions to a gruesome anti-semitic murder that happened 4 blocks away from me is so funny that it makes me wish wonkette had decided maybe this was inappropriate and kinda fucked up to post.
Seriously, wtf?
Late to the party on this post, but what link did I miss?
This and most likely this, from Wonkettes all-time greatest threads.
That second one, I never saw until after it became a meme. I must have been out having a life that day. It happens.
You got it baby. Pure fucking gold, I tells ya.
LNS fingerbang
I really really really want live cameras trained on that old fart all weekend just to see how contorted he becomes trying to explain away his bullshit.
He's "in seclusion", meaning he's got his doubts, too.
Didn't he make an oopsie in 94 as well? What was his explanation last time?
Deficient math skills–same as his SATs.
Yes, he did! He just went on with his radio show like before and re-did his calculations.
If you ever listen to Harold Camping's call-in show, he's always calm and polite, no matter how abusive the callers get.
You know who else posted this question that had tangential connection to the original topic in hopes of sucking up some pee?
user-of-owls?
All of them, Katie. (hah! first!)
Alvin Greene?
Cleopatra (Returns)?
Cleopatra Jones?
Sara Benincasa?
Butterstick.
Palin Hookworm Conjecture.
Was talking to Mr. Amiss this very evening about same. Years ago his non-Palin based Hookworm conjecture made me laugh. Now I cry.
I bet that horse and lost big.
Can someone tell me what this means? I must have missed it whenever the meme first got started.
If I recall correctly, it was conjecture based upon Snowbilly suing/getting a gag order to prevent a fired maid from talking about her undies and such. That's all I got. 'Been hitting the bong pretty hard since Jack's final post. *Sniffles*
And I believe it continued in an effort to get searches for "Sarah Palin" to yield up "hookworms" among the first few results, similar to the adoption of santorum as a noun. Now the question of whether Sarah Palin has hookworms has become as meh as she has.
When a co-worker asked me to Google "fire in the belly" and a certain snowbilly grifter was the top result, I suggested he search for "palin hookworm" for the real story. Hey, I try to do my part!
OK, now you're just p-pandering.
Band name.
Hookworm Conjecture Palin was going to be Willow's name.
That evil old cocksucker has a radio station worth over $70,000,000 and a pack of morons who will still send him money even when the world doesn't end. And it's all tax-exempt. Fuck this, I'm starting a church.
The church is the last refuge of laissez faire capitalism.
Congratulations, all walks of media. You didn't just feed the troll, you took it out to Hometown Buffet.
This is good news for everyone who came to hate the "This is good news for John McCain" tripe.
For all the retro posts, I was really disappointed there was no Sarah K Smith to covet.
That was Sara K Smith; you forget that all female Wonkette editors must lack a letter from their name – Ana, Sara, Juli, Sara again. Also, I am drunk, so whatever.
I'd fuck the shit out of Sara Benincasa.
This has nothing to do with what you were talking about,I realize, but I felt it was worth mentioning.
Indeed it was. Indeed it was.
Well, Ken, we'll alway have the Pope.
I just knew there was a way to recycle the Y2K FUD for Jeebus and the Benjamins (ooh, great band name). Hope the canned hobo beans and Slim Jims are still edible.
In your darkest moment of despair, remember these three words: Library of Congress.
The Rapture is hear, and it turns out that the only one pure enough of heart to be taken up was Randy Savage.
Who knew?
Oh yeah!
I remember him saying in an interview, "When I win, it's honest, when I lose, it's rigged."
Bonesaw is Rapture Ready.
SNAP INTO A SLIM JIM!!!
LOL!
Bless his heart. He's bodyslamming/pile driving/punching out angels, now.
Did you ever doubt that Jesus was a wrassling fan?
Ken, if you declared this the First Church of Wonkette, you'd be tax-exempt, too.
So, since we are all nostalgic and threating for Dear Ol' Wonkette, how long until we get a Newell post? A Parenne post? A Cox post?
I'll settle for an update on Mark Foley.
Pastor Harold Camping = Elron Hubbard = Jim 'n Tranny Faye Bakker = The Holy See = it's all about da Benjaminz.
Bitch be trippin'. Wonkbot is totally having an existential breakdown. O.M.G. Wonkbot is becoming…SELF-AWARE! Run!
Relax, it's already selling dope to Skynet. We're OK.
Cool. At least I will still be able to find a dealer post rapture.
Snip snap indeed!
Well, New Zealand has been sleeping with Atlantis now for over 2 hours…and yet the "Lame Stream" media has not even mentioned it.
Yes, but did you really believe that New Zealand actually existed to begin with?
I know, right? I mean, what exactly was wrong with the old Zealand (besides the fact that it probably disappears beneath the Atlantic every so often)?
I'm pretty sure New Zealand is just a bunch of CGI files left over from all those Peter Jackson movies with the Orcs and wizards all swordfighting and suchlike. .
Didn't you know that Jesus operates per a US based time zone?
Atlantis doesn't sleep. It waits.
I thought that was Cthulhu.
How's that endee of the worldee thing workin' out for ya, huh?
A future so scary Orson Welles had to make a movie out of it.
"The Late Great Planet Earth" trailer.
The book this movie is based on was almost word-for-word what I was taught in my crazy-ass former church as a kid. NOW I'M FUCKED UP FOR LIFE! I AM NOT FUCKING KIDDING!
Wow… lotsa bombs involved.
Plus there is a shot of an Xray of a skull… when they talk about the anti-christ… and it sure looks like you. Hmmm…
The local choral group to which I belong did Brahms's Der Abend as part of our recent performance. The last phrase in the piece (which is lovely, would listen to again) is "Phoebus, der liebende, ruht". For some reason,
*Wonkbot*
*Sleeps*
evokes much the same emotion in me. Although Brahms did better tunes.
Anyway, this whole blog could be shipped to another domain, no one has lost any
The Load Balancers would freak out.
What about Brahm's Menschenhass song: "Oh, I hate people, I hate people, yes I do!"
That sounds more up the ol'wonkbot's alley.
Also: New Zealand survived the Rapture! Good for them, we guess.
Meanwhile…
If I see the Old Nazy flip-flops commercial on TV one more time…I'll probably have a broken hand from punching out my television. Is there a worst commercial on the air at the moment?
The fuczkt… They made flapper dresses out of flip-flops? Now that is the Tribulation.
All right everyone, fist the fuck out of me, I want to hit 115 p's before the rapture!
I just fisted you like a wet mayonnaise jar, dude. Maybe u hit the p ceiling.
I for one will give you fisting you'll never forget
Ok this is wierd but I just got home (Bars closed) and my next door neighbor is like this really cool old lady who's like super religious in a good way (feeds stray cats, front row at church same time every Wednesday and Sunday, never a bad thing to say about anyone, maybe even votes Democrat sometimes). Like I always figured if anyone gets a one way ticket to sit next to God in heaven it's like her. Anyway the light is on in her kitchen and I mean she never, never stays up past 10. I'm freakin' here.
She knew you'd be freaking out, so she is just up baking you a pie. So chill, baby.
/snark off — Everyone should have at least one cool older person, "religious in a good way" type, in their life. I've got one of those & I'm grateful for her though we rarely see much of eachother & I don't know her opinions on the rapture business.
/snark on — Your neighbor's probably up 'late' doing what I used to call "thought munching." If nothing else these periodical end-times episodes do give food for thought.
EDit: it is way too early on a Saturday morning after being up late and I am still rooting around for my snark.
My Grandmother is there too… not at that ladies house.
We're not safe until Israel is nuked out or given over to the mooslins. Then the Rapture is kaput and Jesus moves to another solar system.
But Glen Beck, the one true savior of the Jews, will protect them!
Almost six hours into the Rupture and zip, nada, crickets. Oh well, at least the Papers spelled the old fuck's name correctly.
The cataclysmic earthquake is already happening, but it's really sneaky and quiet.
s' OK with me. I could use the rest.
6.47pm and the Japanese rapture is fully under way, Godzilla is rising from the broken hulk of Fukushima daiichi nuclear power plant and the cherry blossom trees have uprooted and are taking vengance against all the drunken salarymen that pissed on them during hanami. Goodbye fellow Wonkettiers, I'll never see you again because foreigners aren't allowed in Japanese heaven
Wait! Wait! Is there hentai cosplay in Heaven?
In Heaven, you won't need a costume.
You have to admit that, if true, this would be a serious blow to the gay porn industry.
Particularly to the Harry Potter parody actor, Sirius Blow.
As if the gay porn industry wasn't up to it's eyeballs in serious blow.
*[I’d intended to wait to submit this until the end of our Wonkette was definitively upon us, but seeing as how some of you premature motherfuckers (user-of-owls!!) are already jizzing all over the fucking place, this appears to be my last chance to get it in before I’m stuck with sloppy seconds, so!, at precisely 3:21, here I go...]
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With a tear in my eye, a lump in my throat, and a p-ness in my fist, I humbly invite my dear Wonketteers—the very bestest gangbangers any asshole whose life they literally saved could ever hope to have yet hope never have to meet, and whom shall be sorely, sorely missed, forever and ever, amen—to just cold pump up the volume, open this here epic Ken Layne magnum opus in another window or tab or whatever, and read, as one, my 2,222nd (A.I.D) and final fucking comment:
A Children’s Treasury of Our Wonkette’s Dumb Word Things That Are Archived for All of Eternity (HA!) at the Library of Congress
8=D
8=D
8=D
8==D
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8==D
8==D
8===D
8===D
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8====D,
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8=====D~~~ ~~ ~ ~
Dedicated to hobospacejunkie, and the many warmly remembered Wonketteers like him who are sadly (wisely?) no longer with us on this, the devastating day of Rapture(?!) for the most fearsomely funny, intelligently inappropriate, poop joke-wielding political warblog that the goddamn fucking world has ever fucking seen, The End.
-EXTEMPORANUS
Your laptop's rise from the dead was quite timely, amigo.
tl;dr
ALSO: You forgot Poland – & by Poland I mean Freedom Trays™!
A trip down memory lane. Almost thought I was having buttsecks with Ana Marie again.
Hey you stupid cunt:
Extemporanus
The Rat
The ox.
a few verses 'bout 'Murican spirituality
♪♫ I don't if it rains or freezes
long as I have my plastic cheeses
riding on my deep dish pizza pie
Head-on crashes don't upset me
long as I have my magnetic swipe card
To buy alla WallyWorld's endless sty ♫♪
President Obama has protected Neoconservatives for years.
Will Obama protect Neoconservatives four more years?
Was the 9 11 operation really good for Israel?
And we'll miss you most of all, NPKGM.
His last few comments have really been phoning it in, though; they're barely even shaped like pyramids.
Somewhere, the ghost of P.T. Barnum is weeping tears of Greed and Frustration at being born a hundred years too late.
I am preparing for my departure.
My dick, however, is staying. This wasn't my choice just the deal I cut with the Man. Something about his "pound of flesh"
Enjoy the big burn you godless ghey heathen party people.
A pound? Either I've seen you on Pornhub or I have my doubts.
Chronicle of a Death Foretold for the cute little robot–Magic Realism meets Dada.
Am I supposed to read the crawl or listen to the wonkbot? I can't really comprehend either if I try to do both.
Once with sound off, once with sound up–loud.
What sinks my balloon is these rapture freaks are still gonna have the last laugh. Instead of sheepishly owning up to the baseless, fruitless predictions, tonight I picture these little families gathered around in their congregations, saying grace before the breaking of the bread, giving thanks to their Lord "for all the publicity our faith got this weekend, all the new souls to save" or some such. The rapture's been postponed; tune may change but the bleat goes on.
The Wonkbot abides!
I have the weirdest robo-boner for wonkbot.
Has anyone seen Harold Camping today??!
No, but his RV wasn't in his parking spot.
(rimshot)
I was really hoping the rapture was happening. I figured it would reduce the unemployment rate by at least 1 percent and I could use the help in my job search.
All I will say is that bearded old dude has serious anger management problems.
"He who sits in the Heavens laughs them to scorn." Psalm 2
OK, I guess I'm just the slowest witted of any of us. I'm confused. Is Wonkette shutting down? Anyone, please answer.
It turns out a group of believers took a prediction a little too literally and assumed the end of Wonkette was nigh. Wonkette isn't going anywhere. Ken made a comment in the liveblog thread saying so. You'll have to find it yourself, because I'm too lazy to link to it.
O Cruel Irony = being truly innocent, Wonkbot was the only one Raptured – everyone else is unworthy of partying with the DFH (Dead Famous Hippie).
Okay, contrary to previous posts I'm still here. My bad.
Seems I only went far enough on the Rapture to get another beer from the fridge.
So my goodbye to all and Jack will henceforth be redacted.
To the Wonkette posters. I actually do like ya'll. Not you Downfister.
To Jack.
Well. The Jack came back the very next day. The Jack came back, we thought he was a goner. But the Jack came back, he just couldn't stay away.
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