RAPTURE PORN  2:45 am May 21, 2011

Rapture Terror Alert Is Off the Charts

by Ken Layne

Fab Five Freddie told me everybody's high ....According to the world’s major news organizations, the biggest news story on Earth right now is some made-up End of the World freakout — all because some wacky old man with those radio stations broadcasting the religious stuff just cold decided the world was going to end today! Old people are weird. And the Wonkbot is back, with what is perhaps the final terror alert for any of us.

Also: New Zealand survived the Rapture! Good for them, we guess.

 

Hola wonkerados.

To improve site performance, we did a thing. It could be up to three minutes before your comment appears. DON'T KEEP RETRYING, OKAY?

Also, if you are a new commenter, your comment may never appear. This is probably because we hate you.

{ 124 comments }

obfuscator2 May 21, 2011 at 2:50 am

i'm cool either way.

KeepFnThatChicken May 21, 2011 at 2:51 am

Also, Easter is canceled. They found the body.

Negropolis May 21, 2011 at 3:20 am

WIN

SorosBot May 21, 2011 at 2:57 am

And…?

user-of-owls May 21, 2011 at 2:59 am

I realize that this is a shameful part of American history that we should never forget, but it's too much.

Lascauxcaveman May 21, 2011 at 3:32 am

Wow, um, making fun of reasonable reactions to a gruesome anti-semitic murder that happened 4 blocks away from me is so funny that it makes me wish wonkette had decided maybe this was inappropriate and kinda fucked up to post.

Seriously, wtf?

MadBrahms May 21, 2011 at 6:04 pm

Late to the party on this post, but what link did I miss?

Lascauxcaveman May 22, 2011 at 1:43 am

This and most likely this, from Wonkettes all-time greatest threads.

That second one, I never saw until after it became a meme. I must have been out having a life that day. It happens.

user-of-owls May 22, 2011 at 5:26 pm

You got it baby. Pure fucking gold, I tells ya.

user-of-owls May 21, 2011 at 3:01 am

LNS fingerbang

blogslut May 21, 2011 at 3:01 am

I really really really want live cameras trained on that old fart all weekend just to see how contorted he becomes trying to explain away his bullshit.

Terry May 21, 2011 at 6:26 am

He's "in seclusion", meaning he's got his doubts, too.

Swampgas_Man May 21, 2011 at 11:24 am

Didn't he make an oopsie in 94 as well? What was his explanation last time?

Dudleydidwrong May 21, 2011 at 1:57 pm

Deficient math skills–same as his SATs.

zhubajie May 21, 2011 at 6:57 pm

Yes, he did! He just went on with his radio show like before and re-did his calculations.

If you ever listen to Harold Camping's call-in show, he's always calm and polite, no matter how abusive the callers get.

user-of-owls May 21, 2011 at 3:03 am

You know who else posted this question that had tangential connection to the original topic in hopes of sucking up some pee?

Lionel[redacted]Esq May 21, 2011 at 3:13 am

user-of-owls?

memzilla May 21, 2011 at 3:16 am

All of them, Katie. (hah! first!)

Nothingisamiss May 21, 2011 at 3:32 am

Alvin Greene?

Lascauxcaveman May 21, 2011 at 3:35 am

Cleopatra (Returns)?

Negropolis May 21, 2011 at 3:42 am

Cleopatra Jones?

BarackMyWorld May 21, 2011 at 3:37 am

Sara Benincasa?

user-of-owls May 21, 2011 at 3:03 am

Butterstick.

user-of-owls May 21, 2011 at 3:03 am

Palin Hookworm Conjecture.

Nothingisamiss May 21, 2011 at 3:34 am

Was talking to Mr. Amiss this very evening about same. Years ago his non-Palin based Hookworm conjecture made me laugh. Now I cry.

Lionel[redacted]Esq May 21, 2011 at 3:45 am

I bet that horse and lost big.

Negropolis May 21, 2011 at 3:46 am

Can someone tell me what this means? I must have missed it whenever the meme first got started.

easynewz May 21, 2011 at 6:02 am

If I recall correctly, it was conjecture based upon Snowbilly suing/getting a gag order to prevent a fired maid from talking about her undies and such. That's all I got. 'Been hitting the bong pretty hard since Jack's final post. *Sniffles*

WABishop May 21, 2011 at 6:42 am

And I believe it continued in an effort to get searches for "Sarah Palin" to yield up "hookworms" among the first few results, similar to the adoption of santorum as a noun. Now the question of whether Sarah Palin has hookworms has become as meh as she has.

drrty_martini May 21, 2011 at 10:12 am

When a co-worker asked me to Google "fire in the belly" and a certain snowbilly grifter was the top result, I suggested he search for "palin hookworm" for the real story. Hey, I try to do my part!

HistoriCat May 21, 2011 at 10:12 am

OK, now you're just p-pandering.

DemmeFatale May 21, 2011 at 10:14 am

Band name.

smokefilledroommate May 21, 2011 at 12:37 pm

Hookworm Conjecture Palin was going to be Willow's name.

bumfug May 21, 2011 at 3:05 am

That evil old cocksucker has a radio station worth over $70,000,000 and a pack of morons who will still send him money even when the world doesn't end. And it's all tax-exempt. Fuck this, I'm starting a church.

zhubajie May 21, 2011 at 6:58 pm

The church is the last refuge of laissez faire capitalism.

MistaEko May 21, 2011 at 3:05 am

Congratulations, all walks of media. You didn't just feed the troll, you took it out to Hometown Buffet.

user-of-owls May 21, 2011 at 3:05 am

This is good news for everyone who came to hate the "This is good news for John McCain" tripe.

MistaEko May 21, 2011 at 3:09 am

For all the retro posts, I was really disappointed there was no Sarah K Smith to covet.

SorosBot May 21, 2011 at 3:14 am

That was Sara K Smith; you forget that all female Wonkette editors must lack a letter from their name – Ana, Sara, Juli, Sara again. Also, I am drunk, so whatever.

BarackMyWorld May 21, 2011 at 3:27 am

I'd fuck the shit out of Sara Benincasa.

This has nothing to do with what you were talking about,I realize, but I felt it was worth mentioning.

Lionel[redacted]Esq May 21, 2011 at 3:46 am

Indeed it was. Indeed it was.

user-of-owls May 21, 2011 at 3:06 am

Well, Ken, we'll alway have the Pope.

memzilla May 21, 2011 at 3:06 am

I just knew there was a way to recycle the Y2K FUD for Jeebus and the Benjamins (ooh, great band name). Hope the canned hobo beans and Slim Jims are still edible.

user-of-owls May 21, 2011 at 3:07 am

In your darkest moment of despair, remember these three words: Library of Congress.

Lionel[redacted]Esq May 21, 2011 at 3:14 am

The Rapture is hear, and it turns out that the only one pure enough of heart to be taken up was Randy Savage.

Who knew?

BarackMyWorld May 21, 2011 at 3:25 am
Angry_Marmot May 21, 2011 at 9:39 am

I remember him saying in an interview, "When I win, it's honest, when I lose, it's rigged."

DangerHelvetica May 21, 2011 at 10:26 am

Bonesaw is Rapture Ready.

GregComlish May 21, 2011 at 10:34 am

SNAP INTO A SLIM JIM!!!

Negropolis May 21, 2011 at 11:59 am

LOL!

Bless his heart. He's bodyslamming/pile driving/punching out angels, now.

zhubajie May 21, 2011 at 6:59 pm

Did you ever doubt that Jesus was a wrassling fan?

memzilla May 21, 2011 at 3:14 am

Ken, if you declared this the First Church of Wonkette, you'd be tax-exempt, too.

Lionel[redacted]Esq May 21, 2011 at 3:15 am

So, since we are all nostalgic and threating for Dear Ol' Wonkette, how long until we get a Newell post? A Parenne post? A Cox post?

Cicada May 21, 2011 at 8:37 am

I'll settle for an update on Mark Foley.

Pres[ $ rm -r * ] May 21, 2011 at 3:15 am

Pastor Harold Camping = Elron Hubbard = Jim 'n Tranny Faye Bakker = The Holy See = it's all about da Benjaminz.

Negropolis May 21, 2011 at 3:18 am

Bitch be trippin'. Wonkbot is totally having an existential breakdown. O.M.G. Wonkbot is becoming…SELF-AWARE! Run!

Lascauxcaveman May 21, 2011 at 3:41 am

Relax, it's already selling dope to Skynet. We're OK.

Lionel[redacted]Esq May 21, 2011 at 4:00 am

Cool. At least I will still be able to find a dealer post rapture.

Troubledog May 21, 2011 at 9:58 am

Snip snap indeed!

e_z May 21, 2011 at 3:19 am

Well, New Zealand has been sleeping with Atlantis now for over 2 hours…and yet the "Lame Stream" media has not even mentioned it.

Lionel[redacted]Esq May 21, 2011 at 3:47 am

Yes, but did you really believe that New Zealand actually existed to begin with?

Negropolis May 21, 2011 at 3:50 am

I know, right? I mean, what exactly was wrong with the old Zealand (besides the fact that it probably disappears beneath the Atlantic every so often)?

Lascauxcaveman May 21, 2011 at 4:55 pm

I'm pretty sure New Zealand is just a bunch of CGI files left over from all those Peter Jackson movies with the Orcs and wizards all swordfighting and suchlike. .

Terry May 21, 2011 at 6:28 am

Didn't you know that Jesus operates per a US based time zone?

Angry_Marmot May 21, 2011 at 9:40 am

Atlantis doesn't sleep. It waits.

HistoriCat May 21, 2011 at 10:55 am

I thought that was Cthulhu.

Sparky_McGruff May 21, 2011 at 3:21 am

How's that endee of the worldee thing workin' out for ya, huh?

BarackMyWorld May 21, 2011 at 3:22 am

A future so scary Orson Welles had to make a movie out of it.
"The Late Great Planet Earth" trailer.

The book this movie is based on was almost word-for-word what I was taught in my crazy-ass former church as a kid. NOW I'M FUCKED UP FOR LIFE! I AM NOT FUCKING KIDDING!

DaRooster May 21, 2011 at 11:09 am

Wow… lotsa bombs involved.
Plus there is a shot of an Xray of a skull… when they talk about the anti-christ… and it sure looks like you. Hmmm…

ShaveTheWhales May 21, 2011 at 3:22 am

The local choral group to which I belong did Brahms's Der Abend as part of our recent performance. The last phrase in the piece (which is lovely, would listen to again) is "Phoebus, der liebende, ruht". For some reason,

*Wonkbot*
*Sleeps*

evokes much the same emotion in me. Although Brahms did better tunes.

Anyway, this whole blog could be shipped to another domain, no one has lost any

bagofmice May 21, 2011 at 11:32 am

The Load Balancers would freak out.

wondering where i am May 21, 2011 at 3:19 pm

What about Brahm's Menschenhass song: "Oh, I hate people, I hate people, yes I do!"

That sounds more up the ol'wonkbot's alley.

BarackMyWorld May 21, 2011 at 3:30 am

Also: New Zealand survived the Rapture! Good for them, we guess.

Meanwhile…

Negropolis May 21, 2011 at 3:44 am

If I see the Old Nazy flip-flops commercial on TV one more time…I'll probably have a broken hand from punching out my television. Is there a worst commercial on the air at the moment?

GinnehRED57 May 21, 2011 at 11:09 am

The fuczkt… They made flapper dresses out of flip-flops? Now that is the Tribulation.

Lionel[redacted]Esq May 21, 2011 at 4:01 am

All right everyone, fist the fuck out of me, I want to hit 115 p's before the rapture!

Troubledog May 21, 2011 at 10:01 am

I just fisted you like a wet mayonnaise jar, dude. Maybe u hit the p ceiling.

Aisai May 21, 2011 at 10:36 am

I for one will give you fisting you'll never forget

Clancy_Pants May 21, 2011 at 4:01 am

Ok this is wierd but I just got home (Bars closed) and my next door neighbor is like this really cool old lady who's like super religious in a good way (feeds stray cats, front row at church same time every Wednesday and Sunday, never a bad thing to say about anyone, maybe even votes Democrat sometimes). Like I always figured if anyone gets a one way ticket to sit next to God in heaven it's like her. Anyway the light is on in her kitchen and I mean she never, never stays up past 10. I'm freakin' here.

Geminisunmars May 21, 2011 at 4:14 am

She knew you'd be freaking out, so she is just up baking you a pie. So chill, baby.

Mumbletypeg May 21, 2011 at 9:18 am

/snark off — Everyone should have at least one cool older person, "religious in a good way" type, in their life. I've got one of those & I'm grateful for her though we rarely see much of eachother & I don't know her opinions on the rapture business.

/snark on — Your neighbor's probably up 'late' doing what I used to call "thought munching." If nothing else these periodical end-times episodes do give food for thought.

EDit: it is way too early on a Saturday morning after being up late and I am still rooting around for my snark.

DaRooster May 21, 2011 at 11:13 am

My Grandmother is there too… not at that ladies house.

chascates May 21, 2011 at 4:22 am

We're not safe until Israel is nuked out or given over to the mooslins. Then the Rapture is kaput and Jesus moves to another solar system.

Lionel[redacted]Esq May 21, 2011 at 4:56 am

But Glen Beck, the one true savior of the Jews, will protect them!

ttommyunger May 21, 2011 at 5:40 am

Almost six hours into the Rupture and zip, nada, crickets. Oh well, at least the Papers spelled the old fuck's name correctly.

Terry May 21, 2011 at 6:30 am

The cataclysmic earthquake is already happening, but it's really sneaky and quiet.

ttommyunger May 21, 2011 at 1:24 pm

s' OK with me. I could use the rest.

Aisai May 21, 2011 at 5:50 am

6.47pm and the Japanese rapture is fully under way, Godzilla is rising from the broken hulk of Fukushima daiichi nuclear power plant and the cherry blossom trees have uprooted and are taking vengance against all the drunken salarymen that pissed on them during hanami. Goodbye fellow Wonkettiers, I'll never see you again because foreigners aren't allowed in Japanese heaven

Angry_Marmot May 21, 2011 at 9:46 am

Wait! Wait! Is there hentai cosplay in Heaven?

bagofmice May 21, 2011 at 11:35 am

In Heaven, you won't need a costume.

littlebigdaddy May 21, 2011 at 6:09 am

You have to admit that, if true, this would be a serious blow to the gay porn industry.

Frost/Nixon/Robocop May 21, 2011 at 9:56 am

Particularly to the Harry Potter parody actor, Sirius Blow.

bagofmice May 21, 2011 at 11:37 am

As if the gay porn industry wasn't up to it's eyeballs in serious blow.

Extemporanus May 21, 2011 at 6:10 am

*[I’d intended to wait to submit this until the end of our Wonkette was definitively upon us, but seeing as how some of you premature motherfuckers (user-of-owls!!) are already jizzing all over the fucking place, this appears to be my last chance to get it in before I’m stuck with sloppy seconds, so!, at precisely 3:21, here I go...]

—————

With a tear in my eye, a lump in my throat, and a p-ness in my fist, I humbly invite my dear Wonketteers—the very bestest gangbangers any asshole whose life they literally saved could ever hope to have yet hope never have to meet, and whom shall be sorely, sorely missed, forever and ever, amen—to just cold pump up the volume, open this here epic Ken Layne magnum opus in another window or tab or whatever, and read, as one, my 2,222nd (A.I.D) and final fucking comment:

A Children’s Treasury of Our Wonkette’s Dumb Word Things That Are Archived for All of Eternity (HA!) at the Library of Congress

GILF: Alaska’s First Gal Governor Sworn In

By KEN LAYNE
7:36 PM DECEMBER 4, 2006

Alaska elected the nation’s hottest governor last month, and today Sarah Palin was sworn in…Palin is just 42 and came out of nowhere; she was mayor of a small town. Otherwise, we don’t know anything about her, but we do hope she seeks national office soon because the Capitol is filled with scary old men wandering around in their pajamas and she could really class up the joint.

8=D

That cunt.

8=D

[Insert name] should eat a bag of lightly-salted poison rat dicks.

8=D

Obama’s inability to quit smoking proves he’s morally weak.

8==D

NICE MOVE, DICKFACE.

8==D

Guano faucet…

8==D

That image is very disturbing. I wish you’d have chosen something else. I realize that it’s a shameful part of American history that we should never forget, but it’s too much.

8==D

Wow, um, making fun of reasonable reactions to a gruesome anti-semitic murder that happened 4 blocks away from me is so funny that it makes me wish wonkette had decided maybe this was inappropriate and kinda fucked up to post.

Seriously, wtf?

8===D

You do not have a clear worthly Wokette skum, your opinions and your sense of humor and the absurd attempt to make something useful of your life you will try to hate it. try to find a job that you are all unemployed, or at least outside the house since occasionallt. This entire blog can be shipped to Afghanistan, no one has lost any

8===D

Ghey Muslin TruckNutz buttsecks hookworm hobo bean whore diamonds…

8===D

Sarcastic, nymphs. No wonder, wonkette does not allow comments.

8===D

Scar my tattered body no more with your punishing dildo mallet…

8===D

You know who else today we all are good news for?

8====D

Hey Wonkett, seems everything is funny to you.

8====D

But-terstick! But-terstick! But-terstick!

8====D

Makes sense to me…does it t’yew?

8====D,

Mmm, cum!

8====D

[redacted]

8====D,

T

8====D..,

NEVAR FORGET!

8=====D~~~ ~~ ~ ~

Dedicated to hobospacejunkie, and the many warmly remembered Wonketteers like him who are sadly (wisely?) no longer with us on this, the devastating day of Rapture(?!) for the most fearsomely funny, intelligently inappropriate, poop joke-wielding political warblog that the goddamn fucking world has ever fucking seen, The End.

-EXTEMPORANUS

Troubledog May 21, 2011 at 10:12 am

Your laptop's rise from the dead was quite timely, amigo.

lulzmonger May 21, 2011 at 1:12 pm

tl;dr

ALSO: You forgot Poland – & by Poland I mean Freedom Trays™!

littlebigdaddy May 21, 2011 at 3:34 pm

A trip down memory lane. Almost thought I was having buttsecks with Ana Marie again.

user-of-owls May 31, 2011 at 10:17 pm

Hey you stupid cunt:

user-of-owls May 31, 2011 at 10:19 pm

Extemporanus

user-of-owls May 31, 2011 at 10:20 pm

The Rat

AJWjr. June 2, 2011 at 5:49 pm

The ox.

not that Dewey August 17, 2012 at 8:12 pm

You forgot "nappied hypotenuse"

weejee May 21, 2011 at 6:20 am

a few verses 'bout 'Murican spirituality

♪♫ I don't if it rains or freezes
long as I have my plastic cheeses
riding on my deep dish pizza pie
Head-on crashes don't upset me
long as I have my magnetic swipe card
To buy alla WallyWorld's endless sty ♫♪

NadePaulKuciGravMcKi May 21, 2011 at 6:59 am

President Obama has protected Neoconservatives for years.

Will Obama protect Neoconservatives four more years?
Was the 9 11 operation really good for Israel?

Cicada May 21, 2011 at 8:40 am

And we'll miss you most of all, NPKGM.

SorosBot May 21, 2011 at 11:21 am

His last few comments have really been phoning it in, though; they're barely even shaped like pyramids.

C_R_Eature May 21, 2011 at 7:36 am

Somewhere, the ghost of P.T. Barnum is weeping tears of Greed and Frustration at being born a hundred years too late.

DaSandman May 21, 2011 at 8:09 am

I am preparing for my departure.

My dick, however, is staying. This wasn't my choice just the deal I cut with the Man. Something about his "pound of flesh"

Enjoy the big burn you godless ghey heathen party people.

Madfall May 21, 2011 at 4:54 pm

A pound? Either I've seen you on Pornhub or I have my doubts.

donner_froh May 21, 2011 at 8:33 am

Chronicle of a Death Foretold for the cute little robot–Magic Realism meets Dada.

BaldarTFlagass May 21, 2011 at 9:05 am

Am I supposed to read the crawl or listen to the wonkbot? I can't really comprehend either if I try to do both.

AJW@[redacted] May 21, 2011 at 2:07 pm

Once with sound off, once with sound up–loud.

Mumbletypeg May 21, 2011 at 9:10 am

What sinks my balloon is these rapture freaks are still gonna have the last laugh. Instead of sheepishly owning up to the baseless, fruitless predictions, tonight I picture these little families gathered around in their congregations, saying grace before the breaking of the bread, giving thanks to their Lord "for all the publicity our faith got this weekend, all the new souls to save" or some such. The rapture's been postponed; tune may change but the bleat goes on.

James Michael Curley May 21, 2011 at 9:37 am

The Wonkbot abides!

ExecutorElassus May 21, 2011 at 10:28 am

I have the weirdest robo-boner for wonkbot.

BZ1 May 21, 2011 at 10:38 am

Has anyone seen Harold Camping today??!

MadBrahms May 21, 2011 at 6:05 pm

No, but his RV wasn't in his parking spot.

(rimshot)

BerkeleyBear May 21, 2011 at 11:04 am

I was really hoping the rapture was happening. I figured it would reduce the unemployment rate by at least 1 percent and I could use the help in my job search.

mrblifil May 21, 2011 at 11:19 am

All I will say is that bearded old dude has serious anger management problems.

zhubajie May 21, 2011 at 7:08 pm

"He who sits in the Heavens laughs them to scorn." Psalm 2

mourningnmerica May 21, 2011 at 1:05 pm

OK, I guess I'm just the slowest witted of any of us. I'm confused. Is Wonkette shutting down? Anyone, please answer.

usernameguy May 22, 2011 at 10:45 am

It turns out a group of believers took a prediction a little too literally and assumed the end of Wonkette was nigh. Wonkette isn't going anywhere. Ken made a comment in the liveblog thread saying so. You'll have to find it yourself, because I'm too lazy to link to it.

lulzmonger May 21, 2011 at 1:15 pm

O Cruel Irony = being truly innocent, Wonkbot was the only one Raptured – everyone else is unworthy of partying with the DFH (Dead Famous Hippie).

Warpde May 21, 2011 at 2:55 pm

Okay, contrary to previous posts I'm still here. My bad.
Seems I only went far enough on the Rapture to get another beer from the fridge.
So my goodbye to all and Jack will henceforth be redacted.
To the Wonkette posters. I actually do like ya'll. Not you Downfister.
To Jack.
Well. The Jack came back the very next day. The Jack came back, we thought he was a goner. But the Jack came back, he just couldn't stay away.

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