With Bin Laden Dead, My Work Here Is Done

  important changes regarding your wonkette

What's he saluting? Oh, a Koran. Figures.All Wonkette editors leave you eventually. Today, it is my turn. So this is my last post ever. What a ride, etc.! I’ve enjoyed making fun of politics for this dumb little blog. But now it is time to move on. I came to this site a 21-year-old kid. And now, I can safely say, I’m leaving it a 22-year-old child. Most importantly, we caught Osama bin Laden. You’re welcome.

I’ve been pretty lucky as a writer. In high school, The Onion and Wonkette were two of my favorite things to read. And now I write for both of them. But my role here has evolved since I started with just a few posts a day as afternoon editor. Along the way, Ken somehow got me to wake up before noon for the first time in half a decade, and for quite a while I’ve had a full-time job here running the blog all day. And, on top of what I do elsewhere, that’s impaired me from doing writing I want to do. Writing that would further my career.

I live in New York now, and I came here to get back into stand-up comedy and take a shot at writing for television, but I just haven’t had the time. I should’ve quit Wonkette many months ago when I started to be able to support myself well enough financially otherwise. I still loved it though, even though I found myself routinely burned out on politics, something I apologize for, as it clearly came out in posts at times and was probably not very entertaining to read.

If I’m anything, I’m derivative; Newell “rules” that he talks about in his goodbye post — that’s something I’ve thought about quite a bit too. At times, especially when I’m tired and have to somehow hit eight posts when there’s no real news happening, I’ve broken some of my own. I don’t like to make easy jokes. But I have. Kind of often. A few times I’ve made fun of people who really didn’t deserve it, and when it was pointed out to me, I apologized. This sort of thing happens, even when you make a point of trying to stay true to yourself as much as you can, because you’re human. Overall, though, out of all the 1,642 posts and countless thousands of jokes I’ve written here, I can say I’m proud of most of them.

I’d like to thank the Wonketteers, who have all been great, except for the fact that they routinely make funnier jokes than mine in the comments. Also: Josh and Riley, who have always been gracious and fun to work with. And editors past: Pareene, Newell, and Juli. And Jim’s car and the cup in it in which I once vomited. You guys were great! And the roster of fine contributors it’s been a pleasure to edit. And Ken, who grumpily led this stupid blog the whole time and been a great boss even though he pretty much hates doing this. In the wake of staff departures, he’s made a tough decision about the future of the site. I’ll let him tell that to you. [WAY TO BE MELODRAMATIC, JACK. WONKETTE IS NOT GOING ANYWHERE, AND THE EDITOR HAS NOT MADE ANY DECISION THAT COULD BE DESCRIBED AS "TOUGH." PUBLICATIONS CHANGE OVER THE YEARS, AND CHANGE HAS BEEN ROUTINE HERE SINCE THE SITE BEGAN IN LATE 2003. -- ED.]

But who cares, the rapture’s tomorrow!

Where will I go from here? As I said, in addition to doing a bit more stuff with The Onion, I’m going to use the time to write some scripts and get back into stand-up. But I’ll still be doing some freelance work. (E-mail me if you want to offer me something or, really, for whatever other reason: jackstuef[at]gmail.com. I have plenty of time to talk now!) I have a Twitter where you can see what I’m up to. And I just got the domain name for my website: stuef.com. There will be some other stuff there soon, but for now I have a Tumblr you can follow that will probably be frequently updated and is now my OFFICIAL blog.

But please, don’t concern yourself with me. THE RAPTURE IS TOMORROW.

(Also, please stop hating each other, America. And that means everyone: Muslims and gays are Americans too. Ideology, especially this kind, is an ugly thing. Thanks.)

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About the author

Jack Stuef is your loyal editor and a freelance satirist or something like that. He is a contributing writer for The Onion. E-mail him or whatever.

View all articles by Jack Stuef

Hola wonkerados.

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626 comments

  1. Gopherit

    " In the wake of staff departures, he’s made a tough decision about the future of the site. I’ll let him tell that to you."

    NNNNNNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!

    If you do it, Ken, the terrorists will win.

    1. Cicada

      Maybe Ken will sell the site to AOL. I'm sure we'll all enjoy mingling with the elite commenters on HuffPo.

        1. OhNoGuy

          Hmmmm. Boil implants? That might make me even more hansomer. Thanks for the fashion tip!

    2. Lascauxcaveman

      Since I

      a) don't have any money
      b) don't have any time
      c) don't know anything about running a decent blog

      I hear by volunteer to lead a commenter's collective investment and content providing group to buy this thing off Mr. Layne and run the sucker ourselves.

          1. HELisforHEL

            Sigh. Some people always think web/design/magazine/editing/writing work is all The Sexy. When it's mostly just fukkin' WORK 24×7.
            They also think this is the case with being a musician, but I digress.

      1. the_problem_child

        Okay. I'd be willing to provide some Canadian content. No Bieber, though.

        1. SarahsBush

          Canada! Me too! …Though I've been living there for a year and I still don't really know what's going on. My wife is a professional editor, though, so it will at least be grammatically correct. Blogs care about that crap, right?

      2. HistoriCat

        Amen brother! How hard can it be? (Note to Ken – this is not intended to be a slight on your hard work!)

          1. HistoriCat

            Oh come on – half of us visit Wonkette while we're at work. Like we have the gumption to actually successfully run a website.

            And I say that as the owner of a blog with two posts. Wonder if that thing still exists.

        1. yyyaz

          I'll back you up, Gopher. I've lived here — on and off — forever and have actual journamalistic-type 'sperience.

          1. Mumbletypeg

            Perfect. I await your synopsis and gilded details shared over a warm beer at DC's finest tapas (*not* topless) bar.

          2. Mumbletypeg

            That works. I know the guy that runs Black Swan. Maybe he'd let me park behind the store.

      3. GuyClinch

        I'm willing to do my part, Mr Caveman. I live in the DC area, live in a terrible damp basement (no, it's not my mom's, assholes), have lots of unpaid bills and unresolved anger issues, know how to type sort of, once met Ken and Jack and Jim and Riley whilst rather drunk, have a sense of fealty to the nutters that inhabit these comments, have a full tank of gas, a special reservoir of avid dislike for most if not all current GOP fuckers, a big bottle of vodka, a thwarted literary career and, most crucially, a laptop. Also, vodka! Vodka.

      4. Troubledog

        I'm in too. I have seventy five Ameros and a journalism degree from the University of Washington. When is our IPO??

      5. GuanoFaucet

        I'm down with that. I can join up with the Chicago bureau, if they'll have me.

        1. Chet Kincaid

          I'd consider contributing in my spare time from here in the City Of Big Shoulders, but there's a distinct lack of Wingnuttery in Northern Illinois, so it'll be kinda boring…

      6. Lascauxcaveman

        Nice to see such enthusiasm, and I know some of you can write.

        I always felt that teh Wonkettes needed more contributors; you could tell that Jack was getting burned out by the sheer volume of doing all the heavy lifting (I mean, how often is Newell expected to post on Gawker?), Ken had come to hate it all by the repetitive bitter tone and infrequency of his posts, and Riley just up and bailed, out of the blue, despite his usual cheerful and dead-accurate snark, indicating he needed to get paid.

        I wonder if adding a few more interns gifted amateur contributors could have kept things a bit more buoyant. I wonder if that is a realist way to accrue publishable content?

        1. GuyClinch

          Goshdarnit, I think you're onto something! (This feels kind of like when an apartment building goes condo and all the overlooked tenants rise up and buy the joint, bad plumbing and all)

        2. Lionel[redacted]Esq

          I think at its ideal, Wonkette has two good voices and a strong intern and a few contributors. If you break it up too much, you would not get that singular Wonkette voice. That being said, I would be willing to add to my already ridiculous work load and could easily generate five to seven reasonable pieces a week. Hell, it would be nice to write something that actually contributed to the world.

          1. Gopherit

            or, in some cases (like mine) even write something that doesn't make a real person's eyes bleed.

          2. sati_demise

            co-op is the new economy. corporate fucked it up way too much. I, for one , welcome our new overlords

        3. weejee

          I can't write worth a shit, but I'll subscribe and feed poop, good poop, on whas happenin' in C"Addle's CeeDee and Swish Alps.

          1. babyeinstein

            first you say you can't write, then you toss out a stein-worthy "feed poop, good poop"? you've disproven your own point sir.

        4. C_R_Eature

          Well, hell. I'm in – if it comes to that.

          I actually think this could work. I've read many things in many places but I don't think you'll find a smarter, funnier more creatively crazy group of contributors anywhere. Just needs organization.

        5. Radiotherapy

          First off, if this time machine powers down we need somewhere to go. Some wacky daddy meeting place. Those xxxx.blogspot.com thingies are free, I think. Someone here must know about domains and shit.
          I've got a rant in me on this subject. See below.

          1. Cicada

            WordPress charges money, but you get your own domain name. That's probably the best way to go.

            ETA: Just checked and the name TrucknutzandFurries.com is available. Oh thank goodness!

          2. undeterredbyreality

            I've got a blogspot I've used, like, 3 times in 2 years. Y'all can have that for all you're worth.

          3. Radiotherapy

            udbr, I'm trying to sell your cyber-garage space downthread. No worries about blogwhoring now, just post the bitch now!

          4. SorosBot

            There's usually very few comments over on the Vanity Fair blog our former editor Juli now edits; just saying.

      7. comptoneffect

        I'll cover the Detroit/Windsor area–the good news is that living (and liking) Detroit makes a person have a sense of humor.

        1. Terry

          Dave Bing has thankfully reduced the amount of humor and horror generated in Deeeeetroit City.

      8. Dudleydidwrong

        Dibs on the Lower Eastern Shore and OC Bureau assignment. We lead with daily reports of wet T shirt contests.

      9. Badonkadonkette

        I'm happy to sign half my welfare check over to Wonkette. It'll drive the wingnuts crazy. Win-win.

        But no, seriously, I'll happily pay a fee. Hell, the content on here is more salacious and gratifying than most porn sites I subscribe to.

        1. emmelemm

          Me too, especially with this "election" thingy already a couple years in the making.

    3. WABishop

      Rachel Maddow, Jon Stewart, I know you read this site — buy it, please, stuff it full of interns, and then leave it the hell alone! Keep the snark alive!

    4. mourningnmerica

      Wait a minute. Are they closing Wonkette? What is going on here? And what kind of fuck you final post was that? If they are shuttering Wonkette, it was really horseshit of Jack to do that. If not, it upset everyone unnecessarily. Are we supposed to dread the announcement all weekend? This is fucked up. I'm very upset. This is not right. If any of you has an idea what is going on, please spell it out slowly for me. Jack, very bad form. Not funny, not amusing. Go fuck yourself.

      1. Ken Layne

        Well *I* didn't make any announcement, and didn't know Jack had made any such insinuation until I got home late last night and saw his post.

        Obviously there will be changes at Wonkette. There are always changes at Wonkette. It's one of the oldest politics sites on the entire Internet and has had 300,000,000 page views, 200,000,000 visitors, multiple owners, a half-dozen designs, three comment systems, two presidents, four national elections, more than 20 staff editors, and 50+ columnists and contributors since it launched in 2003.

        When there's something to announce, I will be the one announcing it. Can't everyone just enjoy the Rapture for the time being? There is not a rapture every day, you know.

        1. Radiotherapy

          Ken, why don't you just post that comment?
          It would sooth some feathers. We love you man no matter WTF happens.
          But don't forgot that we are a loyal, dedicated, educated, affluent commenter base that obviously feels jilted.
          I don't know what the demographics are on said base, but if I am an example, owners, Capitalists, advertisers would fucking beg to get at our eyeballs.

        2. HELisforHEL

          Ken, I'll await your news…from YOU.

          I will say that this is the one place where I can log in before/during/after a shitty day and read comments from intelligent, clever, snarkyfunfilled people who happen to share a similar but not rigid worldview. And I cherish that.

          I hold out hope for the best. Now back to RAPTUREALOOZA2011!!1!!

        3. CivicHoliday

          Oh thank zombie jesus. Can you imagine what would happen if Wonkette suddenly shut down? 10 million voices crying out in anguish and taking to the streets! (So perhaps the rapture is on its way after all??)

    5. Radiotherapy

      Let me try this again. Fucking cyber censor.
      shorter: i respect each and everyone of you MF'ers.
      Fuck Föx and the MSM.
      Fuck Palin and her minions and anyone who thinks she has a shred of integrity. They are all more r*t*red than her mongo-prop.

    6. user-of-owls

      Arkansas Bureau: reporting for duty.

      One with Jesus, bare feet, overalls and do-it-yourself dentistry. Oh, and incest too.

      Please, PLEASE don't let our Wonkett soul be extinguished. In all seriousness, it would be a great personal trauma for me at a time when I really, really don't need any more trauma.

      1. Radiotherapy

        owls, sans sentimental, we've got to come to a meeting place. undeterredbyreality has an available cyber-garage, but we need to agree on the somewhere.

    7. Gopherit

      i have said this before, but…..

      56 minutes ago @ Wonkette – With Bin Laden Dead, M… · 0 replies · +11 points

      okay. anyone who feels the need to vent should come to http://wonkette.chatango.com

      Please note……it is way easier if you create a basic chatango login. otherwise you will just be labelled as anonymous and no one will like or believe you. Other than the outrageously stupid ads they put at the top, it is useful. Also, having your login will let you trade personal info in private chats, if you decide you want to exchange info like emails and the like.

    8. Nothingisamiss

      Oh, holy shit. I live in the fucking south and I'd report on it, but I come here to GET AWAY from the horseshit that is this internet/America land of ours. I even have an "in" with the pizza man's presiential race, by family and some shit. Many friends of mine think Herman Cain is a "Hero" and I work in a healthcare hellhole where there is a JOHN GALT poster up. What I'm saying is that I need wonkette and it's wonketeers to stay even slightly stable.

      Ken, I was going to order your fucking book anyway. I adore your writing and dyspeptic ways. The people whose lives I save need me to not drink on the job. If there is some weird "Goodbye Wonkette" post coming than fuck this. The rapture better come. (I'd be taken, but I wouldn't be as happy as the fucks that think they're going.)

      Just in case I'm worried for nothing…Jack, I've adored your writing and fresh, perveted sensibility. Don't go too far away.

    9. TsunamiAli

      To reiterate what others have said, a subscription to Wonkette would be well worth it to keep the site going.

      I was going to also say that a blog with moderated discussions on our own would be doable, but it just wouldn't be the same.
      /sad

    10. nappyduggs

      Oh, yes, yes, YES! I will subscribe, put out, do whatevuh, but this thing needs to continue. We have gone through some growing pains, yes, but we can endure! WONKET MUST ENDURE. Best of luck to all of those who are moving on, but those of us who have no hope of being raptured/gainfully employed/happy need to go on ahead and make this happen. I love it. And, Mr. Ken Layne, take heart, because if it is true that you are going to let go the reins and let the patients run the asylum, you will not be disappointed by the level of bitterness, mockery, and all out shenanigans that we can come up with. We'll do you proud, Pops. Promise.

  2. Cheetah Repeater

    You bastard! I was just starting to not hate you, now this?! Screw you and good luck.

  3. Janinthepan

    This is my second "farewell and good luck" comment I've had to post in the span of what- 2 weeks? :(

  4. sportshort

    Just for the record, Jack, I think you got a bum deal on that *ahem* controversy. Joke 'em if they can't take a oh well you know the rest. Happy Trials, er, Trails.

  5. snicker snack

    Stueff, my fellow Detroiter/Michiganian or whatever, you've broken my heart and I'm not sure I can handle whatever Ken's announcement will be. Best of luck!
    I will start drinking now.

    1. comptoneffect

      Meet you at the Detroit Brew Pub. I'll be the guy in the corner with the beer in one hand and Sanders hot fudge sundae in the other.

        1. comptoneffect

          Mmm, Astoria. They're open until 1am on Fridays. You talked me into it, gonna make a run now.

      1. snicker snack

        I'll be the hot lady drinking Vernors and vanilla vodka, but I'll be in Virginia (expat.)

    1. Barb

      It was a shining moment for me when Jack gave me the gold medal for "computer ass sitting.' I had it bronzed, natch.

  6. BTWBFDIMHO

    I live in New York now, and I came here to get back into stand-up comedy and take a shot at writing for television

    Good luck! but don't marry any adopted daughter!

  7. comrad_darkness

    Wait, is this actually an Onion article? (squints at screen)

    Best of luck to you if it isn't!

  8. ifthethunderdontgetya

    Good luck, Jack.

    And unless Ken takes away your keys, you could always post something some time down the road. (As Josh proved earlier.)

    Don't worry about the rapture, I don't think any of us are going to be called.
    ~

  9. Texan_Bulldog

    Well, fuck! Pretty soon Wonkette is just going to consist of Ken, an empty bottle of Boone's Farm and some stuck together pennies (you've all found them on the floorboard of your cars). Good luck, Jack and don't worry about us. We'll still be here making butt sex jokes and bitching about Snowbilly…at least until 6 p.m. Saturday.

    1. Mahousu

      I read that as … some stuck together penises (you've all found them on the floorboard of your cars). Which is also true enough.

    2. calibrit

      If you think any one of us qualifies for being Raptured, you're stone crazy. Wonkette is basically Beelzebub Central. With, uh, not so many flies.

  10. Gopherit

    Jack, you came into your own……and poor Jim has become a cookie cutter gawker hack. It breaks my heart.

    Best of luck. If you make a fortune from our comments, I expect a share of the residuals.

  11. Fox n Fiends

    You've had some of the finest paragraphs ever to grace this Maoist Mouthpiece. May your 30 Rock dreams come true.

  12. nappyduggs

    Stuefie, it has been a pleasure. Please leave 10 crisp Ameros on the RAMVIK table next to the futon. I can't accept your checks anymore, sorry.

    Peeeeeeeace, bruh. Best wishes, for reals.

    1. Mumbletypeg

      Even though we gave him a ton of grief in the beginning, he grew on us.*

      *I'm finding it worth revisiting these old threads pre-intensedebatey-nonsense. Got to get used to the revisit-thang pretty soon, methinks..

    2. [redacted]hse

      ablington- I hope you're not Jack's mother, cause your other children might see this.

    1. Gopherit

      Yes. I am feeling a sense of foreboding that alcohol isn't likely to help. But what the hell, it's worth a shot.

        1. Sparky_McGruff

          That's an idea. For example, I'm sure I could probably take some time away from my day job — obsessing about my shitty dead-end career as a scientist in the USA — to work on a new gig, obsessing about how shitty science has become in the USA, and how we're all going to die. Every news operation needs a science correspondent, right?

      1. Texan_Bulldog

        If Wonkette goes away, I have nowhere to go. The DailyKOS people are crazy, the Gawker people are too full of themselves & everyone at HuffPo just argues back and forth at each other. I have a bad feeling and a big sad about this…

        1. SorosBot

          Yeah, the only other places with generally good groups of commenters like Wonkette I go to are either related to pop culture and normally don't do politics, only have new posts up once a twice a day (I really like the comments at Pandagon, for one, but they just don't update enough), or have too many right-wing troll (Yglesias' place is really bad with them).

          1. Lionel[redacted]Esq

            Ken is pretty creative, and God knows, needs a place to rant. So I'm hoping for something interesting. Hell, if he needs content, I would be happy to post something a couple times a week. I just hope he doesn't mind when I sue him after he sells this to AOL for a couple million.

          1. [redacted]hse

            I must say, I used to go there often, but after Scooter Libby they became rather "on a mission" and took themselves much too seriously to have broad appeal. That and I got banned.

        2. mourningnmerica

          Shit, do a fucking fundraiser if need be. We'll contribute. I just sent 50 bucks to The Smirking Chimp, for Christ's sake.

  13. fuflans

    i am sorry you are leaving jack. you are far funnier than you describe.

    good luck with the teevees too!

    also: now i am filled with dread that has absolutely nothing to do with the rapture.

  14. ProgressiveInga

    You're 22? A mere baby. A really funny cynical-beyond-your-years snarkmeister. Good luck and start saving for your retirement because us olds are living a really long time and there will be NO MEDICARE for you. Sorry dude. You'll be missed.

    1. Lionel[redacted]Esq

      Why do you think he says he has some financial independence? I am sure that David Vitter is buying Stuef all the time.

    2. Terry

      First thing should be a little German style Teddy Bear with a gold button in his ear.

    1. Jukesgrrl

      Why doesn't he just make us pay? I would pay. In fact, this is the only website on the internet I would cough up cash to subscribe to. Take THAT, New York Times!

  15. Worthly[♬♪♬♪♫♪♬]Skum

    Remember Jack, Wonkette editors ride off into the sunset butt-secksing the horse.

  16. keepem_sikanpor

    Jesus, Ken usually throws down the Friday afternoon bomb.
    Best of luck, Jack. Hope you check in here now and then, if we survive tomorrow.
    Peace

  17. bumfug

    I spent eleven years touring as a standup and I wouldn't trade them for eternal life and/or untold wealth. Good luck getting back into the best job on earth.

    1. Lascauxcaveman

      If you spent 11 years at it, and have fond memories of it, you must have actually been pretty good.

      1. bumfug

        I've known Jake for a long, long time – we both started out at clubs in the SF Bay Area and back in the mid-'80s we opened for Warren Zevon in Palo Alto. He's on Letterman tonight, don't miss it.

  18. SpurningBeer

    I don't like the sound of that pre-announcement, either. Has the site become unprofitable, or been served papers?

    Keep up the good work, Jack, in any case. You're a funny guy.

  19. Hatrabbit

    Hey, thanks Jack!

    But, umm … about the Rapture thing. Hate to break it to you, but you're gonna still be here on Sunday.

    See you 'round.

  20. WhatTheHeck

    I sensed a disturbance in the force this week. May you lead a rebel alliance army to victory somewhere in a galaxy, close, close to us.

  21. Hatrabbit

    "In the wake of staff departures, he’s made a tough decision about the future of the site. "

    Fuck. More Palin stories?

    1. Terry

      That was my thought, as well. I was worried we'd see a post from AnaMarie that drew the curtain down

  22. Cicada

    Goddamnit, Jack. You're my favorite writer here. I'll continue to <s>obsessively stalk</s>follow you on the Twitter and this stuef.com site (it's furry porn, right?).

  23. savethispatient

    Bon chance, you impeccably-sourced bastard! I always thought you'd stay until you'd killed Gaddafi too. You know, for the chicks.

  24. natoslug

    Jesus, everyone's jumping ship . . . If this station gets taken over by ClearChannel, I'm not listening any more. Good luck with the Onion, Jack. I hear wearing it on your belt is all the rage this year.

  25. emmelemm

    I don't think my heart can take it. I'm a Jill-come-lately to the blog; it seems like I only just discovered it.

    Anyway, Jack, *I* always thought you were funny. For what it's worth. Which is nothing. Best of luck and it sounds like you've got great plans.

    1. DustBowlBlues

      Or at least that's what they're saying on Breitbart's sock universe, Seriouslyl, they are. A wonkeratti posted some of the comments. They're high fiving with their white, fleshy, pasty hands.

  26. Extemporanus

    Jack, if you can quit two posts in a row, I can leave the same two comments about you quitting two posts in a row:

    Write on, Jack. Write on…

    Hey Ken, did I happen to mention that my laptop is working again? *wink wink*

    (Too soon?)

    and

    1600+ posts represents a ton of political poop joke blog content to have pushed out over a relatively short span of time. Jack may have began a bit rough, and inexplicably ended even rougher, but there was some pretty solid shit there in between.

    Catch ya in ten years during "Retro-Retro Week", dude. You'll be missed…

    1. keepem_sikanpor

      Ha, when Ken asked the crowd who he should "hire" to write for Wonkette from DC, I suggested he should relocate you and fam to DC for the gig.

      1. Extemporanus

        Jesus Christ, what the hell did I ever do to you to inspire such a truly hateful suggestion?!

        Thanks a lot, you sick, evil bastard, you. Thanks. A fucking. Lot.

  27. Blendergoathead

    Happy Raputure, Jack! On the eve of our destruction, it is only fitting that you get banhammered. Now go out there and have lots of unprotected sex with any creature that it's illegal to do it with in your state!

  28. Beanball

    "…and what's the Work?
    To ease the pain of living.
    Everything else,
    drunken dumbshow."

    Good luck, Jack, and don't let the rotten tomatoes hit you in the ass on the way out. They'll stain the couch when you sit down.

  29. Gopherit

    The worst part about this is the downfister is probably jizzing cheeto dust everywhere.

    1. SarahsBush

      I just took a look at the downfister following me and, yep, this is one of his recent comments:

      "Several Wankerette contributors have left in the last two weeks, including Jack Steuf, Riley Waggaman, Sara Benincasa, and Arielle Fleisher.

      I'd say we're having some effect – maybe they got wind of the legal action?"

      Also, AND I AM NOT MAKING THIS UP, this is his most recent post to Big Peace:

      "I read that and sprayed my monitor with Cheetos and Hi-C."

  30. Pragmatist2

    "Tough decision on the future of the site"???? WTF
    Getting to 125p's is on my freaking Bucket List!!!! You can't close the site until I get there. I will sue or something. Of course, if everybody just game me an Up Thumb right now, that would help soothe the pain.

    1. HistoriCat

      Oh that's easy – just go over to Breitfart and write some idiotic fawning rightwing bullshit. You should hit 125 in no time.

        1. iburl

          The EPA, off the gold standard, voluntarily left office, detente with communist China, SALT talks…. liberal!

          Try this:
          HANNITY! RUSHBO! TRUMP! TRUMP! TRUMP!
          BECK! O'REILLY! BACHMAN! HUMP! HUMP! HUMP!

  31. DonnyKerabotsos

    There is never anything good to be found in one of these late Friday afternoon news drops…

    Nothing good for me, I mean. Good for you though–Good Luck!

      1. sezme

        He can't do that! The elections are next year, and where the hell else would I get my newz? Or fritter away days and days of paid productivity?

  32. owhatever

    Youse got talent, kid. Sad to think you will become a big success in show biz and litcherture and register as a Republican to protect your money.

    Enjoy life. We only have a few hours left.

    1. Mumbletypeg

      Brilliant. Can I just unload all my uncashed thumbz here now? What else am I gonna do with them, it's the first time I've actually felt reluctant to keep reading wonkette for what I might find.

  33. GhostBuggy

    I will drink like crazy tonight, in loving honor of the Wonkettes jumping ship like stinking rats, now, before the end. And this sinister-sounding announcement.

    (NOTE: I was going to drink anyway)

  34. MistaEko

    /Wonkette offices, Monday Morning 8:24 AM EST
    /a figure approaches, coffee in a thermos
    /unlocked, the door swings open

    Jordan Ginsberg: Ken! Good morning! Got your voice message over the weekend and flew in first thing I could! So what was it you wanted to

    /looks around to see the room is not only empty and devoid of computer equipment, but has been stripped of most of its copper wire
    /spots a card table in the center, notices a set of keys and a post-it with passwords on it followed by "Best, KL"

    Ginsberg: Fucking Americans.

    1. Mumbletypeg

      OMG that was the same thought I had. They only *just* appointed a Canadian correspondent.
      Apropos of nothing or everything, I figure now pre-rupture is as good as any to say your Long Island Muslim Leader cocktail send-up saved my day. Cheers~ *clinks icecubes*

  35. Negropolis

    My god! This place is going to hell in a handbasket, and fast. It really must be the end of the world as we know it.

    You have to have some kind of continuity if you hope to keep members. Losing two major contributors within a month doesn't do much for our confidence in whether this thing will survive.

      1. gef05

        Not really a glass half full kinda response, is it?

        More a glass half full of toxic diarrhoea that will kill you with cancer response.

        1. Negropolis

          I can't be the only one thinking this. I love this place. There is nothing like it on these internets, and it hurts to see it's sad decline. Not only have Riley and Jack left – which while in and of itself would be pretty sad, but turnover is normal in every business – but with no one lined up to replace them, it seems these events weren't part of the plan for this site…

          I call 'em like I see 'em. There has been a great disturbance in The Force. With Jack gone, who will I tell to "Steuf it." too?

          1. Ken Layne

            The funniest thing about Retro Day is very few of you have been around more than a year or two. This site has been posting daily since 2003, nearly a decade now.

          2. 102415

            Hey I have been here since day one. I still remember the ad on Gawker looking for a girl to do this site. In any case I have enjoyed myself immensely for those years. Thank you.

          3. Negropolis

            So, are you telling me, then, that we should take this place for granted?

            Come on, Ken. You have people so concerned because we love the place. I hope your as appreciate of us as we are of the opportunity to call this place home. That's all the respect I'm asking for. Whether I joined here last month, or years ago shouldn't matter (here on-and-off since 2007). I've learned the hard way a few times in my life to never think you're promised anything.

  36. petehammer

    Great! Now where will I go to find my pictures of Newt's balls next to a polar bear?

  37. WIDTAP

    Just what the hell is Indecisionfoever.com supposed to reprint as their own if Wonkette goes away?

      1. Lascauxcaveman

        Hmmmm. I wonder if Stewart & Co would be interested in stepping in to save their AA farm team for political jokes…?

        Thinking out loud, here. I mean, we strike out more often than not in this league, but sometimes one of us knocks one right out of the park, and you know they use it.

    1. DustBowlBlues

      My facebook page will be poorer for it. On the other hand, I'll be unfriended less often.

      But who needs friends when I had the wonkeratti?

  38. Rotundo_

    So the Breitards have won and we lose Wonkette. Aw shit. Just confirming my steadfast belief that there is no god, amurka is doomed to become a colony of idiots living off whatever they can scavenge from the waste of the rich fucks that own them. Great way to start a glorious weekend. Oh, and Fuck Intense Debate for dragging the breitard p-heads into the site.

    1. UpFistTroll

      Dude, if Wonkette were to go down, we ALL go to Breitbart's sites. Every one of us. We troll like they have NEVER SEEN TROLLING BEFORE. We turn it into the motherfucking Tet Offensive of trolling.

      1. Nothingisamiss

        God, actual hate is so tiring. I like my intense hate and snark to kinda balance up.

      2. fuflans

        hell yeah. and after the great brietard moon war, i can quit the internet as i have been longing to do.

        except for banking and porn.

      3. Badonkadonkette

        Ah, you know, the Tet Offensive didn't end well for the, uh, "trollers." And considering your average Breitard is more recalcitrant than Richard M. Nixon, well…I'm not gonna give the little, by which of course I mean big, fat, shits, the satisfaction.

  39. undeterredbyreality

    I gotta say, Jack–that pre-announcement was a pretty dirty trick–Way to leave on a high note.

    (How can I miss you if you won't go away?)

    But seriously, good luck & all that. You've been a rock. A fucking rock. You should make one last post about Pogue hitting his wife over the head with an iphone, though. I mean, it pretty much writes itself. http://bit.ly/m8w7cg "iPhone Assaults for Dummies," "iHammer, the Missing Manual."

  40. Limeylizzie

    Is the Wonkette going away?? I am so sad at that thought. I am seriously very, very sad and will probably cry if that happens. I don't have a lick of snark in me.

    1. ProgressiveInga

      Sadness abounds at the prospect of a wonkette-less America. However, "…lick of snark…." Thanks for that.

      1. Limeylizzie

        I did indeed. Man I am despondent and if I had balls and was a dog I would lick them for comfort, because I bet that feels good.

    2. GuyClinch

      If wonket goes away, where will I get my limeylizzie fix? And Barb fix? And, for that matter, my pyschwench and texan bulldog (she's a lady, right?) and dustbowlblues fix? I love the ladies of wonket. Can you guys put out a calendar or sumpthin?

      1. Limeylizzie

        Oh Mr Clinch, we will absolutely do The Ladies of Wonkette calendar for the lovely men of Wonkette. Maybe we could all just be naked and sort of crying or would that be depressing?

        1. [redacted]hse

          Why, we'll all be naked when we get Raptured- let's just arrange to meet by the bar when we get there.

        2. fuflans

          i would be very happy to be a lady of wonkette but i have very small breasts.

          however, i am very good at crying.

      2. DustBowlBlues

        Thanks for including me. Sniff. I'm sad, like Lizey. And sad that Ken is probably reading this and laughing cruelly.

    3. mourningnmerica

      I'm so sad. My life really sucks already. I never imagined that they would close this fucker down.

    4. Nothingisamiss

      Lizzie, I'm so glad you touched in. Reading this I was thinking,"Holy mother of dog, is there a bat phone I can use to notify Lizzie?!"

  41. gullywompr

    I fear Wonkette will ascend into the heavens tomorrow at 6:00 pm in the middle of a live blog about the rapture.

    Don't let it end like this. Tell them I said something.

  42. gef05

    Jack,

    WE will be sorry to see you go. But it really is wonderful that you have a real job and can stand on your own two feet financially.

    All the best and could you loan me $20 I'm waiting for a postal order of money from back home should be here in a week I'll pay you back $25,

    gef05

  43. DaRooster

    "…that’s impaired me from doing writing I want to do."
    So fucking what… like you get to choose what you WANT TO DO… just keep doing what EVERYONE ELSE wants you to do… that's how this world REALLY works… but you are still a kid and you will figure it out soon enough. Good luck and catch them stars… before they all blow up and destroy America and then The World.

    1. Nothingisamiss

      Too fucking right. When are these kids gonna learn that they need to just keep the fucking job they have and have grown to hate?

      Too much projection?

  44. Fukui_sanYesOta

    Ah man, this is sucking very hard.

    Best of luck, Jack. You're an exceptionally talented chap and I'm sure you're going to have great success.

    The pre-announcement? Uh oh. I'm with the other wonketeers in hoping it's not the news we fear it might turn out to be.

    1. [redacted]hse

      Agreed. These "pre-announcements" are like "pre-cum"- often leaked, and frequently the cause of fear.

  45. DahBoner

    "I live in New York now…I should’ve quit Wonkette many months ago when I started to be able to support myself well enough financially otherwise."

    Which restaurant?

    I'm guessing some microbrewery in DUMBO where Park Slope hipster mothers bring their babies in strollers…

  46. gef05

    "In the wake of staff departures, he’s made a tough decision about the future of the site."

    A truckload of monkeys and Olivetti typewriters to Wonkette headquarters – STAT.

      1. V572..whatever

        Gregor Samsa awoke one morning to find that he had been trfldslfeffq 9prw0lsf
        It was the best of times, it was the FUCKALL shitwoi3oisn
        Happy families are all alike; unhappy families weoiruwtrfhtghafh

        Don't think this monkey thing is going to work out.

    1. Negropolis

      This is the only thing I've laughed at after reading this sad news. Thanks for that.

  47. SheriffRoscoe

    Jesus. Now Jack is leaving the day before Jesus comes back to smite us all with the mighty ban-hammer of permanent, irreversible death? WHERE'S MY FUCKING COCKTAIL???

    Also, bon voyage, Jack. You were great.

  48. Lionel[redacted]Esq

    Jack,

    It has truly been a pleasure. You stepped into some really big shoes, and did a great job. When you become a big phony, I hope you remember all us little people who use to sit naked and laugh at your jokes.

    Best of luck. Now go to Hell!

  49. Gopherit

    "he’s made a tough decision about the future of the site. I’ll let him tell that to you."

    Shit. He's selling the domain to an all anal sex porn site.

    1. Lionel[redacted]Esq

      Wait, we used to be in the Gawker universe, so you mean another all anal sex porn site.

  50. Lionel[redacted]Esq

    Everyone is so down about the upcoming Ken Layne Announcement/Rapture. Why let it get to you. I'm sure Ken is just going to announce that he is won't hire anymore gingers.

    That, or Wonkette is now part of the Brietbart Empire.

    1. gef05

      "That, or Wonkette is now part of the Brietbart Empire."

      The most chilling statement I've read on a blog.

  51. DaRooster

    SHIT! I just got here a measly 4 or 5 months ago… yeah yeah, I know the world is over tomorrow but I still cherish the like minds here… I like it when we beat the shit out of Downfisters… I like rippin' on moronic fat white folk… tearin' into stupid laws that Repugnants are trying to get through… wahhh… cry… complain!

  52. Pithaughn

    oh come on. surely somewhere in this post corporate imperialist empire there must be some young talent waiting anxiously to break into the BLOG o Sphere? Rise up young 'uns! ( not you Bristol ). This website is the sanest thing in my life and must not only live on but rise to glorious new heights!
    Oh, and thank you, Jacky, to you and all the bloggerettes at Wonkette. I truly love what you write and create.
    That is not just the Dark and Stormy talking.

  53. WABishop

    Jack, it's been a pleasure reading your posts over these months and years. I carry your autograph on my courier bag with pride. If you ever need a place to stay in southern NH, there'll always be a couch available here.

  54. Troubledog

    What's the other shoe left to drop? Layne's ascending to heaven tomorrow? Because of that cross he stole, that one time, out in the desert.

  55. carlgt1

    wow you're leaving with a bang AND a whimper, congrats

    I hope you're not followed throughout life by Repugs on scooters (with or without trucknutz) for your Trig snafu.

  56. donner_froh

    "I live in New York now,"

    Oh, right–just twist the knife a little harder. As if those of us stuck in the sun-baked desert/frozen wasteland the start west of the Hudson don't have it bad enough already…

  57. DustBowlBlues

    Ken's making choices? Oops. Bye, bye my favorite pretend friends. You're a lot more fun than the real ones.

    1. Mumbletypeg

      No less with your voice here on wonkette! Incidentally, I took time to go hang with actual friends on a recent evening. By next morning I saw a wee-hour post here that had developed some engaging snark-free dialogue, on topics I realized I could have contributed some informed opinion to, and felt this pinge of regret. (I was also nursing a hangover but at least took some solace that it was a hangover induced at the hands of directly-perceived people in realspace).

  58. undeterredbyreality

    Ken! Ken! Wake up, Ken! Your loyal hordes are nearing self-rapture! Come back to our world, Ken, and tell us it's not what we fear it is! Tell us something…anything before we are all obliviated! (But you can't say that…)

  59. SmutBoffin

    Later, Stuef. Will listen for Stuef jokes in other media with a finely-attuned ear.

    1. [redacted]hse

      Like in the song 'If You Decide to Leave Me', where they say
      "Stuef up the cracks
      Turn on the gas
      I'm going to take my life.
      (Stuef it!)"

  60. Negropolis

    Jack, if you quit, Sarah Palin wins. Think about that.

    Sara, take us away, tonight. Take us into your ample bosom.

  61. DustBowlBlues

    When I saw the book ad and then read the "our plans for the future" or whatever it was, that it would be goodbye.

    Anywhere else where people who love snarky humor, hate conservatives, love good grammar and punctuation, enjoy obscenities and hate the self-righeous can gather?

    No? Me, neither. This will, however, provide less distraction in my life.

    1. Nothingisamiss

      See, the thing is, I don't think of it as distraction, I think of it as helping my real life.

      Ok, it CAN BE a distraction, but really, it's enjoyment.

    2. [redacted]hse

      Honestly, we must find a place to gather.

      Although if anyone saw us coming they'd board up tighter than a frog's ass, as I imagine we'd make Hitchcock's little Bird ditty look like Tweety and Sylvester.

    3. Lascauxcaveman

      I don't beat my ingrate wife (even if she deserves it sometimes) and I am infallibly kind and patient with my children (even when I feel like I could kick a kitten).

      I think my bicycle, my motorcycle, cutting firewood, and the steam I am able to vent on this site has something to do with that. All very good outlets. (Oh, and booze.)

      Buttsecks. Penis.

  62. Gleem_McShineys

    This is a most bittersweet moment. I think I know what it means when they say "the world is ending"

    Congrats, Jack Boef-Stuef, on your graduation into grownupism, and cheers to self-directed life choices, and may your jokes always be difficult (?)

    You were a bright star here, and hopefully you continue to kick ass at your career of smokin' em out of their holes / making the funny.

    You will be missed (at least until the Dreamless Defense Force works a bit more on its arm strength and aim)

  63. mull_man

    Jesus, you're doing this all wrong. It goes like this:

    I love my job, and I will look back on the accomplishments we've achieved for this great country with pride. However, I've decided that I need to spend more time with my family. And also buggery with strangers.

  64. DustBowlBlues

    Ken is waiting until tomorrow, right? Because he hates his job and he wants to make us suffer? Is that 6:00 eastern, central, mountain, pacific, or whatever the fuck time zone they use in Newfoundland or Alaska?

    If we're all being deep-sixed, should we reveal ourselves to each other? No, I don't mean flasher pictures our ourselves. Names, places. Then we could all friend each other and make facebook worth doing, unfriend our current friends and just entertain each other.

    It won't be the same, but seriously–where could I ever find a group of potty-mouthed losers who can't resist a pun?

    1. LetUsBray

      Seriously, there needs to be some discussion of where the wonkette diaspora would go. I've gotten to where I like the comments more than the original posts anyway.

      1. DustBowlBlues

        I like the term, wonket diaspora. Seriously, where? Taking over a conservative site might work except when they catch on and delete us.
        Okay, who's going to start a blog where we can at least have reunions. I have one connected to my B&B (one I should seriously update but whenever I sit down at the "good computer", the new iMac, I get distracted by wonkette) and I'm not sure this crowd would be that good for business.

        So, who starts the blog? Directs us to theirs? With all these un and under employed English majors, there has to be someone with lots of free time to read whatever places the wonket finds stories and then give them to. Just the story. We'll do our own snark.

        Okay, wonkeratti! Who's with me! Someone?

        You mean, I'm really alone? Shit.

          1. LetUsBray

            There seem to be at least two or three Facebook Wonkette pages turned up by a quick use of the search function; is a there a particular real/official one?

        1. Gopherit

          breitbart won't delete us but you can't say shit there. or a lot of better words. you'll have to consult urban dictionary to get past their autodelete.

        2. [redacted]hse

          With the royalties and enormous Movie deal that Ken will parlay from his Great American Prison Novel ( some copies of which were written in his own blood, but the carbons proved unacceptable, etc….) he could EASILY leave this site up for us.
          Or maybe we should all chip in on a book.

    2. Nothingisamiss

      Wow. you don't know me, but I in some ways, I AM a potty mouthed loser who enjoys a good pun. And NPR.

      *sobs quietly*

    3. sati_demise

      groups of excellent potty-mouthed losers….could they survive facebook? any alternate universe?

  65. Pres[ $ rm -r * ]

    Tak care, Jack. I didn't agree with you on the war stuff but your ability to make cruel fun of Rethuglicans more than made up for that.

    And fuck…. if the worthly Wokett skum ends up closing shop I'm not sure where I will go to snark, except maybe start my own blog…

    Shit… I hope Mr. Layne doesn't go all Battlestar Galactica series finale on us and fly the fleet into the Sun, leaving us poor Colonials to interbreed with Homo Erectus and/or die of disease.

  66. Oldskool_

    What? Over? Joosay over? Nothing is over until we decide it is! Was it over when the Germans bombed Pearl Harbor? And it ain't over now cause when the going gets tough,… the tough get going! Who's with me? Let's go! Cmon! Heyyy….

    1. Negropolis

      Was it over when the Japanese crossed into the Sudetenland? Was it over when the Germans were defeated at the Battle of Midway, or when the Soviets marched into and occupied Shanghai?

      We will fight them on the Breitbarts, and on the Red States. We will fight them on the HuffPos and Politicos. And we shall never, never, nevah give up!!!1!1!!

      Wonkette nah, Wonkette tahmahrrah, Wonkette Fohevah!

      ***This is what passes for history in conservative school districts***

    2. Beowoof

      Anybody got an old Lincoln we can carve up into a float to trash the nomination of the next republican president.

  67. Limeylizzie

    When will he tell us what's going on? I feel as if I was having one of those relationships where you are in love with the boyfriend and he tells you that you are fucking fantastic in bed but a little too weird and eccentric for showing to the parents and being a real girlfriend. You know what I mean?

    1. V572..whatever

      Or it's like having only one client for your business, and you wake up every morning wondering, "How does he feel today? Is he in a good mood? Is it too soon to call him again?"

      Or it's like the woman I lived w/for a while who'd been a groupie and a meth addict but had a genius IQ and exquisite tits and was a highly skilled oral sex enthusiast but did not, as they say, "present well" to the family…

      Or…Oh, Ken, please don't abandon us.

      1. GuyClinch

        I've had one like that. Heartbreaking as it can be, we all deserve a ride around the carousel with that archetype.
        Edit: the lady with the tits and oral skilz, I mean

    2. Beowoof

      I know what you mean and will miss you and many others here, quite a bit. As for taking home to the family, if you're are eccentric you would fit right in with the group in my family.

    3. Nothingisamiss

      Seriously, Lizzie, I've lived that part of my life! (Who's the loser NOW,losers?!)

    4. mourningnmerica

      Lizzie, this post is probably old enough now that you'll be the only one reading it. Your posts on this subject were touching, and made me feel even sadder about losing touch with all these like minded people than I already was. I love your work, along with Barb, Divad Serolf, Soros Bot, Chet Kincaid and many many others. So I wanted to share the info below. I don't know if you saw it or not, but Ken responded, smugly, to one of my profanity laced posts about what jerks they are. The implication below seems to be that they DO NOT plan close the site. Anyway, here is his reply to me, copied.
      Ken Layne replied to your comment on With Bin Laden Dead, My Work Here Is Done / Wonkette:

      Well *I* didn't make any announcement, and didn't know Jack had made any such insinuation until I got home late last night and saw his post.

      Obviously there will be changes at Wonkette. There are always changes at Wonkette. It's one of the oldest politics sites on the entire Internet and has had 300,000,000 page views, 200,000,000 visitors, multiple owners, a half-dozen designs, three comment systems, two presidents, four national elections, more than 20 staff editors, and 50+ columnists and contributors since it launched in 2003.

      When there's something to announce, I will be the one announcing it. Can't everyone just enjoy the Rapture for the time being? There is not a rapture every day, you know.
      Go to comment

      1. Limeylizzie

        Oh thank-you so much for both your kind and flattering words and for the info. I am now weeping with relief. It's funny how you can feel as if you know and love all these people that you only connect with on Wonkette, but, and I am sure I am not alone in this, this site and its wonderful denizens have seen me through a rough year , nothing too terrible but the arts have been hammered in this economy and those of us who make our livng therein have struggled. Consequently, when I found Wonkette about a year ago it became a place where I could still be creative, witty and profane , even if it was a different audience than I was used to! Now, I feel as if so many on here have become people I know I would love were we actually to meet in real life, who could not want to have a cocktail with Barb, have a crazy , passonate argument with Prommie and I am not saying what I would like to do with Chet Kincaid, User-of-Owls and a few others! So, thanks again for making me aware that a Wonkette-free life may not be just around the corner

  68. Limeylizzie

    Seriously there are some people on here that I consider friends and will give them my real-life email or something as long as the rest of you freaks promise not to write to me.

    1. GuyClinch

      Grasping at the slender hope I'm one of those people, you can get to my email fairly easily by clicking on my dumb profile and clicking around.

      1. Limeylizzie

        That is either really wonderful and strange or you mean it, ether way..fuck yes

        1. Gopherit

          wonderfully strange, sadly. in that case…..we need a place for refugees. working a little of it now. i hope someone beats me to it because it looks like a lot of work

    2. undeterredbyreality

      Well, Limey, I'd like to say I consider you a friend, but I don't know if you feel that way about me…

      (memories of 5th grade note-passing come to mind)

      And…I can't do the facebook friend thingy suggested by WABishop because facebook is from the devil and I refuse to join. I used to think Bill Gates was the devil (for repeatedly stealing Apple's ideas and interfaces and making them his own), but I've come to realize he was just the John the Baptist for the real devil, who is, of course, Zuckerberg.

      1. Limeylizzie

        Oh man, I am so sad, what shall we do? We will have to find a way to stay connected.

        1. V572..whatever

          Don't do Facebook. It's like putting your SSAN on the Web. It's easy to start a blog on the Google. and free.

      2. Nothingisamiss

        I feel the same. Even now that I know I was right when I thought to myself in high school "Some day I'm gonna break outta this place," LimeyLizzie's comment made me feel all ookie like I was going to sit alone at lunch again.

    3. Bonzos_Bed_Time

      So here's the problem: I'd link to my normal on-line personae that I use for the other 99% of the interwebs, but man, don't in any way want my buttsechs and "the gheys" comments linked to my upright law-abiding member of civil society self. Would love to come out to all the wonkeratti, but as a person that has furlough days and works at a place that has summers off… well, I wouldn't want anyone saying I'm corrupting the youth of Americha or anything. And oh yeah, fuck facebook.

    4. user-of-owls

      Oh, sweet-pea, fear not. Until we know what the fate of our beloved site is, let's just assume that life will go on. That's how I live my damaged, fragile real life and it is comforting, if difficult. Whatever happens, I will always know a beautiful person named Limey Lizzie, and many other beautiful people I've met here. Perhaps Wonkette as we know it will change or even disappear, but the memories of laughter and occasional touching human connection will not. I sincerely hope the cord is not cut, but if it is, I hope you know how deeply appreciative I am for your kindness and support when things were dark for me. And, of course, for your delightful, smut-infused humor. Te amo, mi princesa.

    5. Chet Kincaid

      Oh Lizzie (and anyone else who wants to talk), I have an email address set aside for walled-off conversations that you can find by poking around the loljazzcatz site in my profile. (I hope I will not regret telling you all this!)

  69. stanpan

    I hope we're just jumping to conclusions, but if not, we need to keep in touch, migrate to another site, whatever.

      1. stanpan

        I'm a little anxious about catching the stoopid from those people. They've got cooties, ya know. Although if somebody deserved some cage-rattling, they would be in my top five.

  70. LetUsBray

    Any other boards where potty-mouthed lefties who like to think they're funny gather?

    1. Cicada

      That's what is bumming me out. I can't think of another site where people will laugh at my furry jokes.

  71. BarackMyWorld

    I should’ve quit Wonkette many months ago when I started to be able to support myself well enough financially otherwise.

    Wait….someone pays you guys? The hell???

  72. chascates

    Without Wonkette I'll have about 2 extra hours in my day. But my day will be sad and depressing.

    Still, Ken should sell this baby to the highest bidder, put some money in Chinese treasury bills for his kids' education, and move out of that desert he lives in and keep writing novels.

    Jack, please write a combination of MST3K, The Furniture Guys, and Futurama for the web!

  73. OurHoboSenator

    rr-bb.com should be free after tomorrow. If our beloved Wonkette gets raptured, let's all agree to meet up over there on Sunday.

  74. wonkettkinkster

    /snark off
    Wonkette, you're the only thing keeping me sane in electoral politics. If I lose this stream of pure, unadulterated snark I don't know if I can continue fighting the good fight. Don't kill it!
    /snark on

    more booze for me at the 2012 Wonkette Inaugural Ball!

  75. BTWBFDIMHO

    With Bin Laden Dead, My Work Here Is Done
    Jack, we know you're good at multi-tasking, but they are too many widows to take care of.

  76. Papa_Uniform

    Jackie me boy, you're much too young for me to worry 'bout. Happy buttsecking to you in the future. Oh, and thanks for getting bin Buttfuck for us.

  77. WhatTheHeck

    Right now Jack is at a bar having downed a few.
    Ken is quietly reading the comments and wondering, “Why did all those cheap fuckers not buy anything from the advertisers on the Wonkette pages?”

        1. Mumbletypeg

          Do you get IntenseDebate updates via email, Radio? That's how I saw you replied here. Maybe keep an eye out for something punctuation-embedded, my friend. I really don't feel like putting up a blog. The internet's too jam-packed with them, but by the same token, as I think you mentioned up/downthread, some kind of hub would or should develop that we can osmose toward.

    1. Gopherit

      To believe the breitards…..we're dead from lack of tuna and papa johns support. i don't think we could have managed that. maybe paypal though.

  78. Tommmcattt

    I'm still waiting on the Polaroids of your naked ass, Stauf. You owe me.

    Good luck out there, lil' cowboy!

  79. J Rbt. Oppenheiner

    Why not make this a membership site? I'd pay 10 or 20 yearly to belong. After all, what the hell kind of advertiser would want us as an audience?

    More if there are exclusive pix of SKS included.

    1. DustBowlBlues

      Me, too. And that would keep the trolls away, or at least pare them down to the absolutely most maniacal.

    2. Beowoof

      I would definitely get out the old checkbook to belong. Without this site I don't know how I will keep my sanity listening to the regular media. Okay so I am a political junkie and I would still listen them, but it is going to take much more vodka to cope.

    3. Guppy06

      This assfucking has been underwritten by:Archer Daniels Midland CorporationThe Bill and Melinda Gates FoundationFoul-mouthed alcoholics like you.

        1. Guppy06

          Some bits of string, a can of cat food, some beer bottle caps, and a sock with a hole in it.

          The "tote" in question is a Wal-Mart shopping bag.

  80. Tundra Grifter

    Jack – I'd like to wish you well and all that stuff my Mom makes me say, but I have to wait to hear what Duh Guv'Nor thinks about this.

    On a more personal level, between tomorrow's Rapture and Ken's upcoming announcement, it doesn't look good for me ever reaching 100-p.

    Damn…

    1. DustBowlBlues

      Wait. We're all going away to a world without our wonkette and I just bothered reading your personal profile? I would've followed if I'd read it earlier.

      Sorry.

    2. vulpes82

      OMG, YES!!! I've been CLAWING my way to 100p, and now it might not ever happen. I haz a sad.

  81. Terry

    Jack, thank you for a great year and best of luck with your writing and stand up. You're a smart man and a hard working one. You'll go far.

  82. BlueinVA

    I rarely comment here because the rest of you are too damn good, but I read all the time and am quite generous with my thumbs up.

    And, I swear, if Little Miss Half Term had anything to do with what I fear is about to come down (and I'm not talking about Teh Rapture), well, this is the part where somebody way funnier than I would write a kick ass punchline.

    I'll buy a subscription for this sucker, and I won't do that anywhere else on the internets.

    1. LetUsBray

      Yeah, if the Quittah from Wasilla has cost us our wonkette, this becomes much more personal than her merely aspiring to lead our country into an abyss of totalitarian dumbassitude.

          1. Lascauxcaveman

            Should be compiled in leather-bound hardback. The best-ever thing(s) on Wonkette.

    2. DustBowlBlues

      Things got weird after that, like there was a chill. The world is so shitty now on so many levels, bring on the G**dam rapture. Who gives a shit?

  83. PrimlyStable

    You know who else moved to New York to get back into stand-up comedy and take a shot at writing for television, but just didn't have the time?

      1. gullywompr

        I met Wavy Gravy once camping near Red Rocks for a set of Dead shows. He was wearing the tightest skimpiest shorts I've ever seen on a fat man. Über mensch.

    1. PrimlyStable

      That guy who wanted to build the Ground Zero Mosque That Isn't A Mosque And Isn't At Ground Zero?

  84. blogslut

    Bye, Jack. You are a funny fellow and I mean that in the your-writing-makes-me-laugh kind of way.

    As for your ominous comment regarding Ken and the future of Wonkette, I'll think about that tomorrow.

  85. Lionel[redacted]Esq

    Here are the predictions for Ken's announcement Place your bets before the Rapture makes all of this meaningless:

    1) Wonkette is being sold to Breitbart. 2/1

    2) All Rock, No Talk! 5/1

    3) Wonkette: The All Palin Fashion spot on the Web! 3/1

    4) We are going back to your roots: Anal Sex and Gin! 2/3

    5) What is the use, we are all being sent to Heaven or Hell tomorrow anyway. 12/1

    6) New Morning Editor at Wonkette: Jeff Gannon! 4/1

    7) New Evening Editor at Wonkette: Jessica Cutler! 6/1

    8) Wonkettes New Reason for Being: Get Butterstick back for the Commies! 23/1

    9) Back to Basic: Snorg Girl Adds for Everyone! 35/1

    10) Wonkette will from now on only concern itself with politics in Montana. 1/1

    Well, whatever you decide Ken, know that I would follow you through the gates of hell if need be. You have been the best part of the last six or so years since commenting open up to the hoi polloi.

    1. V572..whatever

      ♪♫♪♬I won't back down
      No I won't back down
      They can stand me up at the gate of Hell
      But I won't back down♪♫♪♬

    2. Guppy06

      Every day for the next week, every post will consist of lyrics from "Thank God I'm a Country Boy."

    3. sati_demise

      random choice by wonkbot from tips@wonkette word generator, random paragraphs, clouds…we become a hive mind controlling the content.

  86. OvertonWindolt

    Please tell me this doesn't mean that right wing mouthbreathers have killed this lovely site. No site covers Bristol Palin and/or trucknutz with the same pizaaz.

  87. OvertonWindolt

    In all seriousness, if the worst does come, we must immediately set up a Wonkette refugee site. These buttsecks jokes about Mitt Romney can't just be thrown into the fucking wind. I need a dozen other morons to laugh at it.

    1. LetUsBray

      I lack the time and embarrassingly rudimentary tech skills required to set up such a thing. But I sure hope someone else is prepared to do this thing.

    2. Gopherit

      fuck that. we need to take over a breitbart site. they're all on intensedebate. lets take some ground and hold it. don't even argue with the natives. just snark like angry bastards. until we get a better idea anyway

    3. Lascauxcaveman

      I've got a couple dozen appropriate unoccupied domain names selected and ready to register, if it comes to that.

      Waiting to see what Ken has to say.

  88. Dudleydidwrong

    Thanks, Jack, and best of luck with your next stage in what will be a funny and rewarding life. Keep up the good work and don't forget where you learned some good stuff and interacted with some damn good people.

    Regarding "he’s made a tough decision about the future of the site. I’ll let him tell that to you" I fear that for someone the Witness Protection Program has failed and an escape into even darker digs is inevitable. Don't know if I can take that, what with the Rapeture and all. Fuuuuuuuuuckkkkkkkkk!

    1. DustBowlBlues

      Hey, Oppenheimer. 'The fuck? Wonkette melts into a pool of our salty tears while the soundtrack is Ken's maniacal laughter on a loop, and NOW you decide to follow me? When my pee is worthless? Speaking of, excuse me while I go to the bathroom.

  89. slithytoves

    Thanks Jack, for the good stuff. Ken, I can be funny if paid for it. I really hate my job right now.
    Sincerely,
    Slithytoves
    P.S.
    I'm pretty much up at 5:30 – 6:00 on account of I'm not like ten years old.

  90. JackDempsey1

    [ethereal voice]
    Jack, run into the light. That's right. You're in a better place now.
    [gently raining gumdrops and licorice (not the red kind) now]

  91. Terry

    I'm afraid Ken is doing this because I made one too many cracks about his neck beard

    1. Lascauxcaveman

      Naw, you can't show him any kinda hell that Ms. Layne hasn't shown him already.

        1. Bonzos_Bed_Time

          I don't know… never paid that close attention. The comments in their current top post are incredibly self-congratulatory and gloating. Gleeful even. I don't know what's up with that. :-/

          1. Cicada

            Some people are still bitter about editorial changes at Wonkette made four or five years ago. How retro!

  92. Terry

    Wonkette can't close. I haven't been able to carry out my plan to seduce Diviad Serolf and bear his cyber babies. :(

    1. Lascauxcaveman

      I will not proffer myself, but can vouch for my good friend Lionel Hutz as a fine upstanding example of Wonketteer manhood.

      (OK Lionel, you owe me a bottle of good bourbon.)

  93. gef05

    So Jack made his announcement at 6pm.

    But Ken doesn't know what's going on and has spent 3 hours trying to work it out?

    Grandstanding bullshit, guys.

  94. Negropolis

    If we are presented with bad news later tonight, or tomorrow, I fear we'll have to launch an all-out shock-and-awe offensive against the Breitbarts.

    Who wants to be Wonkette's General Sherman? 'Cause, we're going to have to salt and scorch whatever is left of the earth, tomorrow.

      1. user-of-owls

        Owl Team Six is ready.

        The Harrying of the North will look like child's play when we're done.

    1. C_R_Eature

      Are we talking March to the Sea or Carthage?

      I'll ride for either of those. Or both.

    2. HistoriCat

      Dunno – this sounds more like a doomed last stand. Throw in the ass fucking and I think you're talking Spartans at Thermopylae. So let's prepare for the end like they did – we'll do each other's hair, get fucked up the ass and fight to the last man.

  95. MozakiBlocks

    Well this really sucks. Please don't take my Wonkette from me. I live in Southern red state hell. You people are my salvation.

    1. undeterredbyreality

      How far south, Mozaki? We could meet in Baton Rouge and console each other.

    1. C_R_Eature

      WTF is it with these Brietards? I just start posting and in a few hours I pick up a stalker(s) that follow almost a thousand people and whose posts are an unreadable avalanche of Wrong and Hate.
      I started posting here just for fun and to try to cheer up. These people think they're at War or something – not that they'd know actual war if it tolchocked them in the yarbles.
      Oh, sorry almost forgot: Buttsex.

  96. Doktor Zoom

    Oh, man. It's the last episode of St Elsewhere all over again. When does the kitten flatline?

    1. Mumbletypeg

      kitten flatline

      No way. I lived for that show back then, must've missed the finale while off at school?

      *departs to search youtubez*

    2. DustBowlBlues

      Sitting in my freshman dorm and watching the last episode of The (real) Avengers (the one with Diana Rigg) + being in 6th grade and finding out Wuthering Heights was tje only wrote book she wrote+ the cancellation of Arrested Development + only 1 of the friends in season 4 of The Wire has a decent life at the end+ Season 5 of The Wire is cut from 13 episodes to 10 + McGovern loses every state but Massachusetts + no Hedge Fund Managers do the perp walk in 2009 = wonkette is going away.

  97. DustBowlBlues

    My world is absolute shit, wonkette is leaving and I've got a small outbreak of the shingles again.

  98. undeterredbyreality

    He's full of shit. Bloviating to get your goat. I seriously doubt the legal action claim, and I don't think the real downfister ever actually reads the posts over here, and if he does, he doesn't understand them.

    On the other hand–I must have missed the Sara B. exit speech…Or is this more BS?

    Am I wrong?

    1. SarahsBush

      Yeah, I thought the same thing about the Sara B. thing. But this guy has actually subscribed to me twice, and I've only been an IntenseDebate user for about a month. So, yeah, reading but not saving it.

      Here's his (or her, but I have my doubts) profile (should have posted it earlier):
      http://intensedebate.com/people/Spanky2b

      Edit: I take that back, he has now subscribed to me THREE times. Keep it up, assfucker. You'll lose count in…oh, wait, you already have.

      1. trondant

        That little cocksmack has been following me for a while – not that I'm that special – he's following something like 800 people.

      2. 102415

        Spanky is a woman. She's narrow minded and single minded. She does that to freak you out. If Wonkette does go away. I know where I will spend a few hours a day for awhile.

  99. Gopherit

    okay. anyone who feels the need to vent should come to http://wonkette.chatango.com

    Please note……it is way easier if you create a basic chatango login. otherwise you will just be labelled as anonymous and no one will like or believe you. Other than the outrageously stupid ads they put at the top, it is useful. Also, having your login will let you trade personal info in private chats, if you decide you want to exchange info like emails and the like.

  100. Limeylizzie

    Well, sweet Wonketteers, I am going out now, I hope there is a Wonkette to come back to when I return.

  101. SudsMcKenzie

    nothing ever should happen before 11am, .. god bless, asa ala alaikum, and mozel tov.

  102. GinnehRED57

    Also too goddammit, guess I'd better start blogging again.

    Side note, self hosted WordPress blogs not that hard to set up with decent domain hosting. Helps if you have an in-house geek but you can't have mine.

  103. rambone

    Farewell Jack. You will be missed, even though I could never pronounce your last name correctly in my head.

    Hey Ken: I swear to FSM, if you take down this site I'm gonna vote Republican! Don't make me do it, man!

    1. Lascauxcaveman

      even though I could never pronounce your last name correctly in my head.

      Good point. If proper German, it would be pronounced 'Stoyf.' If bastardized English-German, it could be pronounced 'Stoof' or 'Steph' maybe even 'Stuff.' If Dutch, my best guess would be 'Stooof.'

      1. easynewz

        Yeah, right? Methinks Doktor Zoom's comment that there are no trolls was perhaps a bit premature.

        That said, IF indeed Wonkette is demised of natural causes, I can´t deal with Breittards taking any credit for it….. Gah!

  104. vulpes82

    Good luck and godspeed, Jack. I can't wait to say, "I knew him when…"

    About the "announcement," I truly do fear the worst. It's been obvious for some time that Ken loathes us and and loathes having to do the site. We, I especially, have made a joke out of it, but I guess the joke is on us!

    If I may make a premature suggestion for diaspora, Crasstalk, which is its own diaspora of Gawker commenters, is pretty good. It's user-generated, our old friend Botswana Meat Commission is one of the overlords, our pal Kittenwithawhip (and I'm sure others) are already there, and they use IntenseDebate. Just a suggestion!

  105. philpjfry

    Jack Sorry to see you leave. Best of luck. Assuming you survive the rapture. Thanks for everything

  106. iburl

    This sucks so majorly.

    "I found myself routinely burned out on politics, something I apologize for, as it clearly came out in posts at times and was probably not very entertaining to read."

    Bullshit!

    That's why you were so fun to read.

    I'll miss you most of all, scarecrow… :(

  107. Troubledog

    After this shittruck gets shuttered, we need a plan to maintain a connection between the diaspora.

    Mainly because you people (and when I say "you people" I mean "my people") are the only people I communicate with that don't need to look up the word "diaspora".

    WTF.

    1. LetUsBray

      Hey, that is completely unfair.

      Most people who don't know what a word like "diaspora" means wouldn't think to bother looking it up.

        1. undeterredbyreality

          Let's wait & see what's needed. I'm not quite sure how to open the site for general use…

          1. GuyClinch

            Trying to find a way that doesn't involve me divulging all my gmail passwords. indeed wonketterefugees.blogspot.com is functional, but can't figure out how to make it open. Suggestions, anyone?

    2. fuflans

      and you sir are one of the reasons wonkette comments are a pleasure to read.

      indeed, we need a place.

    3. MadBrahms

      If we can't use our academic training to groan about conservative bullshit, what is it all for? I gotta justify these loans I keep taking out somehow.

  108. DerrickWildcat

    Thank you Jack.
    You have inspired me to be more funnier.
    I have went back to night school to study comedy. Look out pal, because after I graduate, we may be comedy competitors. A teacher surpasses student thing.

    1. Lascauxcaveman

      LOL, checks? Do they even exist anymore?

      OH shit. That explains why I was waiting ten minutes in line at Goodwill the other day.

      Hah. Fucking losers.

      1. ChessieNefercat

        So I was explaining direct deposit to a new student employee and how he had to supply a voided check so the bank would have the routing number. No, your debit card isn't a check. No, the number on the debit card isn't the routing number.

        I got my checkbook out of my purse and showed it to him. His innocent little 20 year old face lit up and he beamed as he told me that his mom had one of those!

        I heard "poink" noises for hours as my hair accelerated its graying pace…

        And no, if the payroll office thought about it, they wouldn't need a check, just the routing number which you can get a) from the bank, and b) the routing numbers for the most popular banks should be known to the payroll office already, and c) oh the hell with it. At least I have a job.

  109. Beowoof

    The pending demise leaves me sad. All told, I enjoy insulting and snarking on right wing douche bags more than I should. And this was the best place I have found to do that. So many with like minds about the right wing assholes who have taken over politics.

    1. Fukui_sanYesOta

      We don't know for sure, but let's face it. The Wags and Jack have gone and Ken is obviously disillusioned with the whole thing. It's not looking great.

  110. GhostBuggy

    I've been examining the AV Club comments as a possible colony world for us, until something else better comes along…I don't know…it's fairly awful there, but there are some honest-to-Gawd rightwingers there that could be tons-of-fun…yay vodka right now…

  111. Nothingisamiss

    It takes me three years to get the cojones to write a comment here (mad jealousy to all, esp. you early writers) and now the party may break up?!

    WTF!!!!!!!!!!

  112. SorosBot

    For people looking for a new place – and that's assuming Ken's announcement is closing shop, and not say that Wonkette's going on hiatus for a month or two while he disconnects from the internet to regain his sanity and finds a new underling or two – I'd suggest Vanity Fair's VF Daily blog since (as I mentioned in a buried reply) it gets very few comments and is run by one of our former editors.

    1. not that Dewey

      I'm totally down with the VF — I've been a subscriber for a few years now, but only because of a dirty little secret.

      When I was a young dumb waiter in NYC, I worked at the Royalton Hotel (among other places). One of my first breakfast shifts, I got to wait on Graydon Carter and Martin Amis (they used to take breakfast together regularly, after Martin divorced fuckin Tina Brown). They were two of the coolest dudes I had ever met. Many of my then-co-workers went on to write for VF, and I read it to this day, if only to bask in the ex-glow that was my stupid life as a stupid twenty-something. Hey — we're both ex-Chicagoans, right?

      I'll join you there, and I'm sure that Juli wouldn't mind.

  113. Fuck Toad

    Hey, Sadly No has been kind of boring and locker-roomy recently. We should all mob it en masse and annex it unto the Greater Wonkett State.

      1. AJW@[redacted]

        Can't count how many times I read "Bored of the Rings". Of course I was gooned out of my mind back when it came out, and spent many hours re-enacting the scenes with my similarly affected friends. I bought it on amazon.com a few years ago to see if it was as funny as I remembered, and sadly, without the chemical enhancement, it really wasn't.

  114. ShaveTheWhales

    Well, fuck. My kid comes to visit, we go an a nice short hike to watch two branches of the Tuolumne River crash into one, and I come back to fever dreams of the incipient death of snark as we know it.

    To Jack: Best of luck and thanks for all the jokes. Just as a remark for future reference (and this would apply as well to Riley and Arielle), there isn't actually any law that requires you to wait until the very last minute to announce your departure from a job. Not even the Law of Dramatic Impact, because after a few times, there really isn't any.

    To Ken, and his spirit animal, wherever they may be: WTF? I'd have to say that, strictly speaking, the notion of a "DC Gossip" has kind of lost its glitter, as we've been forced to realize that the United States has cycled back to the point where there is, again, a ruling class, and — generally speaking — we're not part of it. Knowing that the ruling class doesn't give a shit about the rest of us has a tendency to reduce the emotional impact of gossip about the ruling class. And, frankly, vignettes about the stupid shit that stupid shit right-wingers do eventually become self-flattening. We know that 20 or 30 per cent of our compatriots would rather believe than think. Giving us endless examples may no longer be particularly useful.

    So, WTF?

    To all Wonketeers: If this vale of snark shall pass away, thank you for being real (if anonymous). Regarding a possible successor site: blogs are easy (hell, I've got a recently unused one, too); chat rooms are easy. The trick is having one or more sponsors who have the time, motivation, and writing skill to provide the blog articles that serve as nucleation sites for comments. I know that I lack the skill.

    Before we're all Wonkraptured, can somebody help me out? I'm remembering a scene towards the end of a novel, where a character standing on the west coast of Britain, in a westerly breeze, smells smoke. Is that Stand on Zanzibar? (My copy dissolved a couple decades ago).

  115. Karma_Suture

    I wonder if I can find that bastard, Jesus before 6pm tomorrow? If Wonkette is going so am I.

    You all can have my Stuef.

  116. predilectrix

    Jack, I'm sorry your valedictory post got diverted into a scrum about whether Wonkette's getting raptured tomorrow, and even sorrier that you're leaving us.

    As for the rapture rumors: I don't want to reply to the thread here in which people are offering to subscribe to Wonkette, because the thread's too long now and loading as slowly as Sarah's conscience. But dagnabit, Ken Bailey, the townsfolk are ready to chip in.

  117. MadBrahms

    For Jack, all I can say is simply this: Never apologize for your righteous indignation. We'll miss it here.

  118. Badonkadonkette

    Ken, if you take this site down, porn will literally be the singular reason I use the interwebs. And then I just won't be able to deny I'm a sick prevert anymore. You can't do that to me. You just can't.

  119. EvanHurst

    Dammit, Layne, where are you? if you need me to contribute more to pick up some slack from PEOPLE LEAVING ALL OVER THE PLACE, we can convince my real dad, I mean boss, to let me write here more. I write about things other than homosexual agendaz, you know.

    1. Fukui_sanYesOta

      I think a lot of people missed this one. You can write for damn sure.

      There are commenters here (most, thinking about it) whose articles I'd read when they submitted them. Some kind of half-arsed crowdsourcing with someone in editorial control?

  120. Badonkadonkette

    Oh and also, too, I know you guys (well except now it's just you GUY, Ken) monitor these comments, and I already said this in response to another post, but: I have some money saved up, and my kids don't really need to go to college.

    It's really a progressive, by which I mean communist, concept; the site is free, people who can pay do, people who can't, don't. Wonkette lives on forever and the wingtards go double-nuts-crazy. Win, win, win.

  121. Pres[ $ rm -r * ]

    1. Creepy Breitbart Lead Paint Chips troll is stalking me again. Yay?

    2. In 15 minutes it will be 6 pm in Kiwiland, ergo we will know shortly if the Rapture is here. Double yay?

    1. Fukui_sanYesOta

      At the time of writing, it's 6:30am in Kiribati. No earthquake. Quelle surprise.

  122. Badonkadonkette

    Jack, I want to say goodbye and good luck, I really do, but it will just drive home that if I ever catch you doing stand up in New York, I'll cry a little, because it will remind me that what we had with our Wonkette was so very special, kind of like when that hot girl I dated decided she was bisexual after we broke up.

  123. El Pinche

    Well, May 21st is over and my wingtard xian neighbors are still on Earth and the Rapture never came. I guess I'll never get their jet skis and hot tub. bummer.

  124. DCHatesMe

    So another Wonkette writer fades away and radiates like the burned out shell of Gamera, never to be heard of again. A life interrupted, spent, and traumatized by political satire. Was it worth it? You won't have anything to tell your grandchildren because you'll be impotent and homeless soon. Solong.

    1. HuddledMass

      Well that's okay, because impotent = no grandSteufs, so it's all good… . . ?

  125. easynewz

    Bad news for us, Jack, but good news for you. Thanks for all the laughs and good luck with all of your future endeavors. I will follow your career with great interest. Buh-bye.

      1. ttommyunger

        I'm on the last lap, my friend; and I can't say I'm all that sorry, considering.

  126. Tundra Grifter

    Jack – I do understand. Although some days it seems like it will, now you know work release doesn't last forever.

    Of course, this is May 21st, so…

  127. Joey_brill

    Oh, Jack!

    I'm just worried you'll make friends with Tina in NYC, lose too much weight, incorporate uncomfortable silences into your stage act, and end up writing for iCarly or Kathy Lee Gifford.

  128. KenLayIsAlive

    And then there was Ken.

    And some Canadian guy.

    Good luck in the future Jack! I hope you learned your lesson: Never say "retard" because then all the people who say "nigger" will get really mad at you.

  129. Warpde

    Luck to you Jack.
    Good timing though.
    I'm off to be with Jeebus shortly and I doubt he has wi-fi.
    in 5,4,3,2,1..POOF!

    Uh, honey could you hit submit comment for me?

    1. glamourdammerung

      Thank you for taking some time out of crying about how much you hate "libturds" and how you are going to beat everyone up (when not crying about union thugs/black folks/etc. scaring you).

  130. spudgun

    Jack, you're a mensch. And I think I love you but that is sick and just, well, WRONG because I'm old enough to be your mother!

    Anyway, had to add to the Greek chorus of sorrow on your departure…you are very talented and we will "see" you very soon, I'm sure. All the best to you!!

  131. littlebigdaddy

    God, the editors keep getting younger. Pretty soon they will be writing sensitive essays on the changes their bodies are going through, and how they get confused when around girls.

  132. WordSaladNation

    I've been reading and commenting on Wonkette since 2005, so, if this is indeed the apocalypse, I'll be disappointed—especially because my relationship with all of you commenters has outlasted any relationship I've had with a "significant other" during that time period.

    Jesus, that sounds pathetic!

  133. gullywompr

    Same old hackneyed chestnut. The Heritage Foundation really needs to start sending its members some new phrases to use.

  134. fuflans

    sir or madam:

    are you a CHRISTIAN??? you should be saving this 'inflated nerd' not calling him toilet names. this 'human waste' is a HUMAN is he not? we should teach him how to be a better human, shouldn't we? we should not flush him away!! flushing him away is aborting his precious precious soul. human souls are worth saving at all costs.

    or at least in the first trimester.

  135. Bonzos_Bed_Time

    Nerd? Nerds? Nerds!

    Really inspector, get back to what you normally call people with an education: Sir and/or Ma'am.

    As in, "Would you like me to super-size that for you, Ma'am?"

  136. glamourdammerung

    Speaking of vile lies and innuendos, I notice you are a fan of Andy Breitbart.

    How do you feel knowing he lied to you (and everyone else) with those edited videos? Because I do not see you crying in impotent rage over there, so certainly there must be an explanation for the difference in your behavior. Otherwise, you would clearly be quite the hypocrite.

  137. FreedomFan

    Bye Jackstoff, you made a real contribution here. I know the advertisers felt the same way.

    1. glamourdammerung

      We are pleased you could stop crying while typing feeble screeds about how "leftists" smear teabaggers long enough for your comment. Of course, it makes makes you look like a moron after your constant whining on Big Failure about how mean all those leftists are to poor widdle people like you.

      Cry more.

    2. SorosBot

      Why do you go under the name "FreedomFan" when a quick look at your post over on the big racist Breitbart's sites show that you in fact hate freedom?

  138. IMaTelaU

    "Muslims and gays are Americans too. Ideology, especially this kind, is an ugly thing. Thanks."

    Why don't sign off with a request of those muslims to stop murdering Christians, hiindus, buddahists…. no, how bout just asking them to turn over the guys that beheaded a fellow reporter. Daniel Pearl (rip). Take your condecending tripe and good day sir! I said, GOOD DAY!!!

  139. Redhead

    The fuck is this? I actually WORK on Friday (and nurse a hangover yesterday) and I come back to goodbye-wonkette-changes-but-not-I-don't-know-what's-going-on?

    Though I have to say, I'm impressed with the tardasses actually coming out and downfisting to get the butthurt over the lack of a rapture out. I thought for sure they'd be hiding in their attics (with cable tv and 5 years worth of cheetohs, slim jims and bud lite), pretending they'd gone to heaven.

  140. Limeylizzie

    I think Ken's edit really just indicates that Ken is going to shave or bleach his hair, not close down the Wonkette.

    1. glamourdammerung

      32 weeks ago @ Breitbart.tv – Bill Clinton Faces Ang… · 0 replies · +2 points

      Typical blacks waiting around for free handouts instead of doing something for themselves…

      I am going to guess you cry a lot about folks "playing the race card" and referring to morons like you as racists.

  141. di_da_is_alpha

    So Jack, does this mean you'll be moving back in with your dad, H.R. Puffin Stuef?

    1. SorosBot

      Here's some advice: if you want to make a joke using a cultural reference, you might want to pick something people under 60 might get.

  142. larrykat

    Ominous announcement – Ariana is taking over Wonkette. The Wonkette Post – soon to be another unprofitable piece of AOL.

  143. sallysubterfuge

    What?? First Riley now Jack?!

    Damn you kids and your dreams…

    I shall mourn/celebrate with tears and probably some masturbation — maybe at the same time! You will be missed Jack.

  144. thefrontpage

    Who the hell is this guy Jack Stuff? Has he been writing for Wonkette? I never noticed. His stuef probably wasn't that great to being with. He's probably just another hack writer, trying to be funny! What's this Onion thing he keeps mentioning? Is that a food magazine put out by Conde Nast? Why is Wonkette shutting down? Where are all of these people going to post funny comments if Wonkette is shutting down? Late Night Shots? When is the final days of Wonkette? And will Wonkette readers go to Heaven or Hell when Wonkette shuts down?

  145. SenileAgitation

    Thanks for the yucks and outrage Jack, and good luck with your mad schemes.

  146. ChessieNefercat

    Goodness. Potty fixation much? Sorry you were toilet trained by rabid pitbulls, but do try to stop playing with your feces.

  147. Weenus299

    You fucker. You could've made the Wonkett a fucking genius terr'ist organization, and you up and leave it to have a "career." Well enjoy your "career" boning hot dog vendors or whatever it is you geniuses do with your avant-garde lesiure time. I fucking enjoyed you to pieces, and now I'll scatter them to the frivelous birds in my workplace's parking lot.
    Love,
    Detainee #40101

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