out of many one

Alvin Greene Delivers Ultimate Daoist Lesson On Letting Go

This afternoon your editor, who first interviewed South Carolina’s only ever black U.S. Senate candidate last summer, called up Alvin Greene and asked for the Daoist monk’s perspective on saying goodbye when it’s difficult to let go. Greene’s response?

He hung up.

Singular enlightenment! This is the only answer to the question. In truth, there is no hello in life. There is only goodbye. The defining characteristic of all things in life is that they end. This is its constant state. Only The Way flows eternal. To find it, we must accept that all other things are impermanent.

It is this lesson I leave you, dear friends, on this, my final day at Wonkette.

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About the author

Jack Stuef is your loyal editor and a freelance satirist or something like that. He is a contributing writer for The Onion. E-mail him or whatever.

View all articles by Jack Stuef

Hola wonkerados.

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88 comments

  1. Sue4466

    You do know the whole "end of the world" thing scheduled for tomorrow is bullshit, right?

  2. V572..whatever

    A Diós, Jack. You provided much fun here. Good luck in the future!

    Ken, the recession's declared to be over. You're supposed to be hiring people, not laying them off. Plus we're all terrified of living on a steady diet of Gloom Bombs.

  3. Barb

    Ugh! Jack's leaving? I feel like a kid who just found out my dad's been banging the maid and now I have to split my inheritance with some bastard.

  4. KeepFnThatChicken

    To his credit, Jack, he did let it go.

    deit: Dude, didn't even read the last line. May the snark be with you.

  5. nounverb911

    Oh NO! Don't go! Who are we going to make fun of now?

    Ciao and viaggia bene, Jack!

  6. GuyClinch

    To paraphrase Martin Amis, I've reached the point in life where I've stopped saying hello and started saying goodbye.

    So Jack, are you renouncing your US citizenship and joining Waggaman in Rileystan or whatever the fuck mental country he's gone to live in?

  7. jqheywood

    Is our Wonkette in trouble? Riley, Jack, Arielle…all flying out the door. I don't know what I would do without this place….

  8. SorosBot

    Is everyone leaving now? It's feeling like it did two (I think) years ago, when Sara K. Smith, Jim and Juli all left one after the other.

  9. Sophist[Kochblocker]

    The origin of suffering is attachment to transient things, like editors. I guess that makes me a masochist, because I don't want to see you go.

  10. Gopherit

    Well, Jack, I hated the hell out of Retro Day, but if this has anything to do with the blowback from the r-word, I am truly sorry. We'll be looking for you to surface somewhere…..

    1. Extemporanus

      Agreed.

      1600+ posts represents a ton of political poop joke blog content to have pushed out over a relatively short span of time. Jack may have began a bit rough, and inexplicably ended even rougher, but there was some pretty solid shit there in between.

    1. Mumbletypeg

      Yeah, isn't Friday "Can You Hear Me Barry"-day? Help us Sarah Benincasa, you're our only hope!*

      *(cool, SB's name even has the same syllable count as Obi-wan ka-whats'its…)

  11. Chillwaver

    Jack, I hope you are leaving because you found another great gig and not because you actually believe the world is ending tomorrow. Best of luck, man!

  12. gullywompr

    Yep, first the silver run out, then the people run out, then the whiskey run out, then the beer run out. Don't matter, it's good to see a high roller come through.

    If I had an advertising dollar to spend, I would.

        1. Negropolis

          I can see her, nails dug into the ground, fighting The Accusor all the way to hell. Trust me, Sarah's gone have her head frozen when she's finally forced to release her mortal coil.

  13. Lucidamente1

    First Riley, now Stuef. Jesus Christ, do you guys know something about May 21 that the rest of us don't?

  14. mdotsota

    So is the future of Wonkette going to be nothing but Ken's occasional ramblings and Benincasa's once a month sextings? Or is there some super kewl swerve being planned like bringing Pareene back on a fuckin horse?

        1. easynewz

          Yup. I'm sure that it's been said here before but TPM and the like are thick with (paid) trolls. I think that the troll to post ratio is so low here because the morans are so repulsed by all the buttsechs and merciless skewering of rightwing so-called politics and all that is holy to the fundiXtians that their eyes begin to bleed and they scamper off with their tail betwixt their scrawny legs. That is the source of the magic here, I believe.

  15. pinkocommi

    I would hate for it to be the end of the world tomorrow and miss the opportunity to quit my job too.

  16. qwerty42

    Geeze Jack.
    …It is this lesson I leave you, dear friends, on this, my final day at Wonkette.
    What is going on with Our Wonkette?

    Wishing you well Jack.

  17. Beanball

    “[Sri Alvin] was barked at by numerous dogs who are earning their food guarding ignorance and superstition for the benefit of those who profit from it. Then there are the fanatical atheists whose intolerance is of the same kind as the intolerance of the religious fanatics and comes from the same source. They are like slaves who are still feeling the weight of their chains which they have thrown off after hard struggle. They are creatures who – in their grudge against the traditional “opium for the people” – cannot bear the music of the spheres. The Wonder of nature does not become smaller because one cannot measure it by the standards of human moral and human aims.”
    ~ With apologies to A. Einstein

      1. JustPixelz

        True enough. Jack is very smart, except ironically about R-word related matters. Too often I've found my first thoughts about some article already embedded in his actual article. I learned to read through carefully, possibly sacrificing First Write privileges in the process.

        1. Mumbletypeg

          possibly sacrificing First Write privileges in the process

          Honestly: Reflexive, canned stand-up comic humor is one thing. But here, it's the comments built from the post content itself, clearly thought-out to some degree, that I appreciate the most, or more often than not. That, and those voices which come across as a bona fide original, of which there are plenty here.

    1. Nothingisamiss

      My dogs fit this description, and one of them can't figure out how the stairs work.

  18. SayItWithWookies

    What the hell. I guess I'll start drinking early. Earlier. Hell, I'm already late.

    1. Gopherit

      It would be nice if Ken would post something, but I think he beat you to the bottle.

  19. undeterredbyreality

    Last one out the door turn out the lights.

    What's up with the mass exodus?

    Good luck, Jack, wherever you go and whatever you do. Your wordiness will be missed.

    *Click* Dialtone…………………………..

    (Heck, does anybody even know what a dialtone is anymore?)

    1. Gopherit

      I'd hope Ken would fill us in, but I suspect the screed he is preparing will have us all trying to die from alcohol poisoning.

  20. vulpes82

    NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!! Don't leave us, Jack! We just lost Riley; we can't lose you, too! We'll be left alone with just Crazy Uncle Ken haranguing us about anus burgers and foreclosures and financial Armageddon. (Actually, I'm starting to be afraid that our Wonketts might be closing up shop. I mean, Ken's off hiking in the desert, communing with his spirit animal, and everyone is jumping ship. Someone hold me? Please?)

    But, anyway, good luck, Jack! We'll miss you!

  21. undeterredbyreality

    Ohhh…. I get it. Everybody at Wonkette is like a student or a grad student or something and it's the end of the year. They're all graduatin' and such and joining the realworld in realjobs & such, like, also.

  22. Mumbletypeg

    I *just* got the humor in this Tao of Poo post, upon re-reading it. Transitioned from an 'aha' to a 'haha' moment, brilliant. And, newsflash: tears of laughter mix equally well with bourbon-&-ginger as tears of woe!

  23. OneYieldRegular

    Alvin Greene – he's like two friends of mine who paid to put themselves through one of those Landmark Forum/EST weekends. When I saw them on the Sunday night after they emerged, they were all excited. Breathlessly, they asked me, "Hey, hey listen – what is the sound of one hand clapping?" – waiting eagerly for my response. I rolled my eyes and shrugged, to which they responded in unison, looking at one another smugly: "It is the sound. Of one hand. Clapping." They then looked back at me like I was an idiot. I took a cab home.

    Anyway Jack, this is just SO Washington, to drop this news into the Friday afternoon black-hole-of-news-hour. You've learned well, Grasshopper. I hope you're off to something exciting and fulfilling.

  24. BlueStateLibel

    Excuse me, the rapture isn't until tomorrow night, and goddamn it, Ken Layne will dock your pay if you don't live blog the damn thing for us.

  25. SarahsBush

    Oh for fuck's sake. First Macho Man, now this.

    Dear American Jesus: armageddon does not require a pre-game teaser.

  26. the_problem_child

    You're alright, Jack. Have fun on your retreat to South Carolina to learn at the feet of the Master.

  27. GodShammgod

    So, did Alvin Green tell you how to say NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO as well as how to let GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO?

  28. ttommyunger

    "Alvin Greene Delivers Ultimate Daoist Lesson On Letting Go" No wonder he hung up on you, Jack, he had to let go of his Cheetos or his dick to answer the phone. I wonder which it was?

      1. ttommyunger

        Just guessing here, but if he tried that he would prolly knock the phone off the table.

  29. Negropolis

    Jack, in the traditions of the Dao and if you can hear it, I'm giving you a one-handed round of applause.

Comments are closed.