put money on inanimate objects

Undeclared Republican Presidential Candidate Power Rankings, Week 2

THE FIELD IS WIDE OPEN!On Monday, if he’s still around after the rapture (UNLIKELY!), Tim Pawlenty will officially announce his campaign for president. Okay! But there’s still nobody in the race anybody, even wingnuts, would want to vote for. Once again, America turns to our weekly undeclared Republican presidential candidate power rankings to learn who could swoop in and take the nomination. Who is down?! Et cetera?! (Note: All of last week’s candidates died.)

1. RONALD REAGAN
Why he could win: We just said this zombie died again, and yet he’s back for more! As long as there is one yuppie investment banker in this country who can still rape a woman on his yacht because of tax breaks, the dream stays alive.
Why he probably won’t win: The liberal media and their feverish, inflammatory obituaries are CONTINUING to write him off.

2. MICHELE BACHMANN
Why she could win:
While you were staring at her vacant face like an idiot, her soul came up behind you and slit your throat. Ha!
Why she probably won’t win: Deathly allergic to expressions of human compassion.

3. HOVEROUND PRESIDENT TOM KRUSE
Why he could win: Has business experience, but Republican voters are more familiar with him than Herman Cain, because he appears in commercials for their favorite mobility scooter. Also a plus: He’s white!
Why he probably won’t win: Probably a poorly conceived Risky Business-style campaign ad.

4. KFC DOUBLE-DOWN SANDWICH
Why it could win:
Everything Americans love in one candidate!
Why it probably won’t win: We’re gonna say racial controversy.

Sponsored Video

5. LARRY CRAIG
Why he could win:
Doesn’t cut and run. You have to give him that.
Why he probably won’t win: Hectic campaign trail schedule leaves no time to properly use the restroom.

6. BASIL MARCEAUX
Why he could win:
This cheesy campaign slogan we’re giving him free of charge: “Basil Marceaux: He’s spicing up the election!”
Why he probably won’t win: Enslavement by traffic stops, obviously.

7. THE GOLDEN RETRIEVER FROM THE MOVIE HOMEWARD BOUND
Why he could win:
A strong leader. Somebody voters would like to feed a bowl of beer with. Tthey wouldn’t feel intellectually inferior.
Why he probably won’t win: Gotta have a sex scandal or two. There are already rumors of him licking his own testicles.

8. A FIFTY DOLLAR BILL WITH RONALD REAGAN’S FACE ON IT
Why it could win:
Why isn’t Ronald Reagan on any of our money considering he’s the best president ever?!?!?!?! If any president would make it happen, it’s this candidate.
Why it probably won’t win: Pretty easily assassinated.

9. A TREE
Why it could win:
A little affirmative action should clear that guilt over ruining the environment right up! It worked with electing a black guy, right?
Why it probably won’t win: Voters tell pollsters they like trees, but once they get in the voting booth, their bias will never let them vote for one.

10. BARACK OBAMA
Why he could win:
Voters love incumbent presidents! The Republican Party can nominate him and make Sarah Palin the vice-presidential candidate, and then impeach him once he gets elected.
Why he probably won’t win: Seriously, they’re not going to vote for a black guy.

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About the author

Jack Stuef is your loyal editor and a freelance satirist or something like that. He is a contributing writer for The Onion. E-mail him or whatever.

View all articles by Jack Stuef

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140 comments

  1. memzilla

    11: INANIMATE CARBON ROD
    Why he could win:
    strong and unbending will, won't cave in to Kenyans or Nevadans.
    Why he probably won't win: Corporate ties to lobbyists for Tokyo Electric.

      1. DahBoner

        "RIBBON MAGNET.."

        My "Support Our Magnetic Ribbon Industry" ribbon magnet fell off at the car wash!

        Why do car washes hate our troops?

    1. WhatTheHeck

      Heavens to Betsy. You’ve just unfurled the winner. The other republican contenders are left flapping in the breeze.

    1. genxr

      I assumed they meant "her otherworldly familiar which to us appears to be a dark and deadly soul"

  2. nounverb911

    Didn't Bachmann get challenged by a fifth grader this week to see who knows the constitution better?

    1. Geminisunmars

      Didn't Bachmann get challenged by a fifth grader this week to see who knows their ass from a hole in the ground better?

      1. thebeatgoeson

        I believe it was a 10th grader. Although maybe a 5th grader could out-debate her as well…

    2. metamarcisf

      And the fifth grader is getting death threats from the teabaggers. America. What a country.

    3. genxr

      And didn't Bachmann challenge that fifth grader to see whose friends could issue the most death threats? Winner, hands down.

  3. SayItWithWookies

    I'm betting on the KFC Double Down — I think it'll pullet out at the last minute.

    1. Worthly[♬♪♬♪♫♪♬]Skum

      Agreed. The Baconator had support from the Neocons, but was unpopular with the Tea Party (too much pork).

  4. Dudleydidwrong

    Here in my part of Maryland there's a strong campaign brewing for National Bohemian beer. Let's get behind this icon of The Land of Peasant Living. (Oh, wait…)

  5. CrankyLttlCamperette

    Basil is an herb, not a spice. Though "Basil Marceaux: He’s herbing up the election!" would totally lock in the stoner vote. If they ever remembered to vote, that is.

    1. V572..whatever

      Big Oregano is funding his opponent heavily. Cayenne's going to sweep in and win.

    2. Lionel[redacted]Esq

      I think we can all agree that the Republican's would be better off if they tried a little herb.

  6. SmutBoffin

    Eleventy-five. Herpes Simplex Virus 1
    Why it could win: Polls better than Romney. More likely to make a lasting impression on individuals coming into contact with it than T-Paw. Has excellent running mate in Herpes simplex virus 2.
    Why it probably won’t win: Poor fundraiser. Valtrex.

      1. Negropolis

        Yes, among other things.

        It's has the fire in the belly…and well, when you pee.

  7. CrankyLttlCamperette

    9. A TREE

    No dice. Tree is totally Green Party and there's no way a third-party candidate will win it. Still a better candidate choice than Nader, though.

    1. BerkeleyBear

      Tree is more Libertarian, though. Especially if its a Stanfurd tree indoctrinated at the Hoover School.

  8. Gopherit

    I'd rather have Sassy the cat……she'd be ruthless, practical, and well versed in knowing on whose pillow to poo. The only down side is we'd have to see her Birf Sertifikut.

  9. Barb

    I'm starting a write-in campaign for "Mike Hunt" just so I can see Greta Von Frankenstein have to say it over and over.

  10. pinkocommi

    Michelle Bachmann: The Candidate for Americans Dropped on Their Head as an Infant.

    There are a lot of them.

  11. Pragmatist2

    How about Karl Rove:

    Why he could win: He.s white. He's fat. He's from Texas and mostly because he is an ignorant and evil fuck.
    Why he probably won't win: "Karl"??? They know a Marxist when they see one.

  12. horsedreamer_1

    If by quite easily assassinated you mean soon parted up a stripper's crack, then, yes, you're right.

  13. emmelemm

    I resent the implication that a sweet golden retriever would have anything to do with the Republican party.

  14. Lionel[redacted]Esq

    13. JESUS CHRIST

    Why He could win: Everyone in the Republican claims to love him, and claims he is the inspiration behind most of their ideas. Also, possibly as good of public speaker as Obama. Also, like David Vitter, liked to hang out with whores.

    Why He probably won't win: Like Romney, if you look at his record, he is at best a RINO. Believed in taxation, believed in services for the poor, was against blowing up brown people, and supported the meek and peace makers. Plus, let's face it, a bit of a long hair hippie freak.

    1. pinkocommi

      Why else he could win: His father is very well-connected. He can perform miracles, including getting rid of the pork from legislation. Just think how many people he can save from the next big floods by walking on water.

      Why else he probably won't win: The Koch Brothers never forgave him for all that talk about rich men having as much chance getting into heaven as a camel through an eye of a needle. No birth certificate. The pro-Bacon constituency.

  15. metamarcisf

    Just found this story about Michele Bachmann (R) (Knucklehead) on the NY Times:

    "Woman Accused of Trying to Sell Moon Rock"

  16. Monsieur_Grumpe

    I nominate my cat Aldous Huxely. I think he can be controled if you just feed him twice a day and keep the litter box clean.

    Why he could win: Cute!
    Why he probably won't win: Tends to vomit on things he doesn't like.

  17. ManchuCandidate

    HOVEROUND PRESIDENT TOM KRUSE

    Why he probably won’t win: Mistaken for other Tom Cruise, couch jumper and "avid" "hetrosexulist." GOPers in closet disappointed that he's not the same guy in the beach volleyball scenes from the rather homoerotic video "Top Gun"

  18. GOPCrusher

    Ronald Reagan? How could anyone vote for someone who's face isn't on Mt. Rushmore?

  19. Mumbletypeg

    REAGAN again, twice this time. Stop giving the conservatards boner-fodder. Cue some Fogelberg, for oldz' times' sake. Know what, GOP?…

    …"The leader of your band is dead
    And your lies are growing old —
    of how his blood runs through your penile enhancements
    And his own veins pumped pure gold;
    Your life has been a poor attempt
    To exploit the man
    You're a piss-poor excuse of a legacy
    To the cheater of the land." ♪

  20. PeaceWithHonor

    The Constitution of the United States

    Why it could win: Epic wingnut masturbation materials.

    Why it probably won't win: Three-fifths compromise–compromise, even pro-slavery compromise, is for RINOs.

  21. Extemporanus

    My fellow Wonkequeers, I bring you off-topic(?) GOOD NEWS!

    Like me, all of you will undoubtedly be overcome with joy to learn that mere moments ago, I was miraculously able to finally revive my limp, lamented, long ago left for dead laptop, thus meaning that I will no longer be forced to slowly, painfully, tap-tap-tap tardy, tyop-riddled commentary on a cum-caked iPad while furtively crouching naked in a free WiFi-filled, whiskey and shame-stained bathtub! (Also, too: Photoshop desecrations are back, bitchez!)

    PRO-TIP: If your ancient, sorry-ass excuse for an Apple product ever decides to just cold up and brick on you, and a genial Genius Barista informs you that it will cost many hundreds of Ameros that you just don't (and probably never will) have to maybe, maybe not, fix it, simply shove the dumb thing under your hair ball-supported sofa for six months or so until the Rapture Eve arrives, and then, when you drag it out while searching for that snowcapped Nat Sherman you vaguely remember drunkenly dropping a few weeks ago, and you try to turn it on one last time before trading it on Craigslist for a business-like blowjob because you are a masochistic perverted poor, it will totally fucking fire right the fuck up as if nothing ever happened, HOORAY!

    EXTEMPORANUS/LAPTOP 2012!

    1. widestanceroman

      So, are you at all excited about this laptop miracle (not a euphemism unless it's considered upfistable).

    2. ifthethunderdontgetya

      Congratulations!

      I, meself, poured a glass of wine (accidentally) into the keyboard of my laptop. There were certain bad effects!

      But now, I am typing at you via the very same machine (now known as the winetop).
      ~

    3. Extemporanus

      I'm way too emotional right now to individually reply, but please know that without the buttsechs and support of each and every one of you, this momentous, world-ending event would never have been made possible.

      To all my friennnddds! To all my frienndsss…

  22. DaRooster

    That's my Golden BubbaDawg… except he's not as… well drugged.

    Hey, if you can't think of a good Rapture joke…
    Don't worry, it's not the end of the world.

  23. SmutBoffin

    OK, last one.

    001101010. Lizard people
    Why they could win: Cold-blooded. Thick-skinned.
    Why they probably won’t win: Cold-blooded. Thick-skinned. Really. That's their physiology.

  24. BerkeleyBear

    Ron is a declared candidate and hence ineligible. Rand Paul being left off, though, is just wrong – he has about as much chance as a tree and I know for a fact he can run faster than Zombie Reagan.

  25. WhatTheHeck

    Jack, Jack, Jack.
    You forgot, you know, Jesus (R) Bible Belt.
    By this time next week he'll have his campaign in full swing. He probably would have nailed his choice for vp as well, also.

  26. BornInATrailer

    Macho-Man Randy Savage

    Why He could win: Who doesn't love the Macho Man? "Oh yeah" catch phrase easily applied to nearly any policy matter, foreign or domestic. One step closer on the path to reality and "Idiocracy" becoming one.

    Why He probably won't win: Dead.

  27. Troubledog

    This is a good feature. Needz moar Blingeez tho. And maybe a terror color coding system. Or some lube.

  28. notreelyhelping

    Bowl of chocolate.

    Why it would win: C'mon. It's chocolate.

    Why it probably won't win: Too dark for wingnuts. Eaten by debate moderator.

  29. Callyson

    Why they could win: they remind a majority of teabaggers of something that they want to protect and defend
    Why they probably won't win: one swift breeze and they will float away, never to be seen again

  30. Lucidamente1

    13. KEN LAYNE
    Why he could win: He hates on Obama real good.
    Why he probably won't win: It would make Trig cry.

  31. Callyson

    11. CHRISTINE O'DONNELL
    Why she could win: witchcraft…how else to explain how she even got on the ballot, much less got the nomination, for a US Senate seat (from a normally sane Delaware to boot)?
    Why she probably won't win: witchcraft…every sane Wiccan out there will work to counter Christine's powers, stat…

  32. Worthly[♬♪♬♪♫♪♬]Skum

    LARRY CRAIG
    Why he could win: Doesn’t cut and run.

    Nope. He just stands there smiling, and watches your face as the odor overwhelmes you.

    Could be winning tactic for next debate.

  33. SpurningBeer

    Born in a Trailer already picked this up, and it's off-topic, but the world is going to end anyway, so fuck it.

    Randy "Macho Man" Savage died today. He was my age.

    I've been a huge fan for a very long time. I have a giant foam cowboy hat with his name on it. I am going to have to buy and eat a Slim Jim in his honor. I'll wear the hat.

    1. DahBoner

      Be careful there.

      Maybe it was the Slim Jims which helped him to his early demise?

      That and the roids…

  34. Warpde

    666. THE ANTICHRIST.
    Why he could win: Because scripture tells us so.
    Why he probably won't win: Not radical enough for the Tea Party.

    On a side note. Isn't it tomorrow in Australia today? They still there?

    1. DahBoner

      According to Camping, it starts at 6pm Pacific time tommorow.

      Which means USA #1/World.

      And California, #1/50 U.S..

      Exactly the POV you would expect from someone living in Cali…

    1. genxr

      Congratulations. You did that without quoting anything he ever said, making factually correct.

  35. BarackMyWorld

    I'll say again that Ronald Reagan was probably too liberal for the current Republican Party.

  36. DahBoner

    Rep. Sean Duffy (R-WI)

    Appeals to "common" man making $175K/year.

    "Duffy is asked whether he'd support cutting his own salary…He then said that the $174,000 in salary (not including benefits) he receives is a squeeze for his family of seven to live on:

    I can guarantee you, or most of you, I guarantee that I have more debt than all of you. With 6 kids, I still pay off my student loans. I still pay my mortgage. I drive a used minivan. If you think I'm living high on the hog, I've got one paycheck. So I struggle to meet my bills right now. Would it be easier for me if I get more paychecks? Maybe, but at this point I'm not living high on the hog."

  37. MinAgain

    Why it probably won’t win: We’re gonna say racial controversy.

    Nope. Gambling addiction.

  38. TanzbodenKoenig

    Baby Jeebus

    Why he could win: Smarter and more articulate than the entire remaining GOP field, even though he can't hold his own head up, much less talk

    Why he probably won't: Too sexually provocative for the average GOP closet case homophobe. Also, on the record in the Bible as saying a lot of suspicially liberal things

    1. BlueStateLibel

      Kicking over the money-changers' tables in the Temple wouldn't help him either. "Pass," says the average GOP voter.

  39. DahBoner

    "As long as there is one yuppie investment banker in this country who can still rape a woman on his yacht because of tax breaks, the dream stays alive."

    The nicest thing you can say about Reagan's zombie corpse is that he's got style.

    He always shows up to the Investment Banker Yacht Rape Parties in a brand-new, pink Caddy with a 17 year old black, pregnant, Welfare Queen…

  40. C_R_Eature

    Kinky Friedman.

    Why He Could Win:
    From Texas, really.
    Kinky.
    Why the Hell Not?

    Why He Won't:
    From Texas (not again!)
    Not Kinky Enough for RNC
    "Whut the Hell kinda name is Freedmun, Boy?"

  41. BlueStateLibel

    We should just make this easy–have Obama run in both the Dem and Repub primaries. He's pretty a much a Repub at this point–or at least in the old time mode of an Eisenhower or Nixon. Eisenhower ordered the desegregation of the U.S. military and Washington, D.C. schools, and warned us to beware of the military industrial complex. Nixon also promoted desegregation, voting rights–hell, he even proposed expanding day-care centers for the children of working women. Today's Repubs would brand these two as wacko far lefties and they wouldn't stand a chance. Also Obama needs to do is move a little bit more to the right, kill a few more Al Queda, and he'd have a great chance against the current motley crew of wack jobs.

  42. DahBoner

    "Also, they will be too depressed and humiliated to show their faces at the polling station."

    That would be uh, logical.

    But "logic" is not what motivates his followers.

    So, believe it or not, the failure of the rapture will cause them to "double down" (See: McCain) on their beliefs and think that Camping is MORE correct on May 22nd than ever before.

    I kid you not…

  43. Walkinwiddaking

    6. BASIL MARCEAUX
    Why he could win: This cheesy campaign slogan we’re giving him free of charge: “Basil Marceaux: He’s spicing up the election!”
    Why he probably won’t win: Enslavement by traffic stops, obviously.

    Every pasta dish in America will be pullin' for him.

  44. Pithaughn

    Molecule of Heavy Water. What? It is heavy.
    Can transmutate into what ever kind of water turns out to be the most popular in focus groups.

  45. randcoolcatdaddy

    Ooo… can I play?

    DWIGHT D. EISENHOWER
    Why he could win: Voters love military men and endless war!
    Why he probably won’t win: Hasn't been in a reality tv show lately.

  46. Negropolis

    Somebody voters would like to feed a bowl of beer with.

    Again, I'm laughing so hard I'm having a lung spasm, here. Jack, you will be missed.

  47. Negropolis

    8. A FORECLOSED HOME

    Why it could win: With a dearth of empty space, it is a major improvement over a Big Tent. It can support a whole host of elephants as opposed to one.
    Why it probably won’t win: Some lazy Fannie Mae/Freddie Mac minority probably lived in it. Also, the homeowners might still be squatting in it. Also, probably damaged by a meth explosion.

  48. ttommyunger

    Ted Nugent: why he would win-his penis is smaller than even the average Republican's. This would get him a ginormous sympathy vote from the Right. Why he won't win-he is a ginormous Dick even by Republican Standards. I know, its complicated.

  49. ghblowhard

    Come on Wonkette, the cat Sassy in Homeward Bound would be a much better candidate than The Golden retriever Shadow. The delivery of her famous line "yeah right, chow down Chubby" in the movie not only proves she is SASSY, something sorely lacking in all of the GOP candidates so far, but her attention to Chubby's diet also shows she is concerned about the welfare of today's youth and childhood obesity much like our FLOTUS.

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