PUT MONEY ON INANIMATE OBJECTS  4:26 pm May 20, 2011

Undeclared Republican Presidential Candidate Power Rankings, Week 2

by Jack Stuef

THE FIELD IS WIDE OPEN!On Monday, if he’s still around after the rapture (UNLIKELY!), Tim Pawlenty will officially announce his campaign for president. Okay! But there’s still nobody in the race anybody, even wingnuts, would want to vote for. Once again, America turns to our weekly undeclared Republican presidential candidate power rankings to learn who could swoop in and take the nomination. Who is down?! Et cetera?! (Note: All of last week’s candidates died.)

1. RONALD REAGAN
Why he could win: We just said this zombie died again, and yet he’s back for more! As long as there is one yuppie investment banker in this country who can still rape a woman on his yacht because of tax breaks, the dream stays alive.
Why he probably won’t win: The liberal media and their feverish, inflammatory obituaries are CONTINUING to write him off.

2. MICHELE BACHMANN
Why she could win:
While you were staring at her vacant face like an idiot, her soul came up behind you and slit your throat. Ha!
Why she probably won’t win: Deathly allergic to expressions of human compassion.

3. HOVEROUND PRESIDENT TOM KRUSE
Why he could win: Has business experience, but Republican voters are more familiar with him than Herman Cain, because he appears in commercials for their favorite mobility scooter. Also a plus: He’s white!
Why he probably won’t win: Probably a poorly conceived Risky Business-style campaign ad.

4. KFC DOUBLE-DOWN SANDWICH
Why it could win:
Everything Americans love in one candidate!
Why it probably won’t win: We’re gonna say racial controversy.

5. LARRY CRAIG
Why he could win:
Doesn’t cut and run. You have to give him that.
Why he probably won’t win: Hectic campaign trail schedule leaves no time to properly use the restroom.

6. BASIL MARCEAUX
Why he could win:
This cheesy campaign slogan we’re giving him free of charge: “Basil Marceaux: He’s spicing up the election!”
Why he probably won’t win: Enslavement by traffic stops, obviously.

7. THE GOLDEN RETRIEVER FROM THE MOVIE HOMEWARD BOUND
Why he could win:
A strong leader. Somebody voters would like to feed a bowl of beer with. Tthey wouldn’t feel intellectually inferior.
Why he probably won’t win: Gotta have a sex scandal or two. There are already rumors of him licking his own testicles.

8. A FIFTY DOLLAR BILL WITH RONALD REAGAN’S FACE ON IT
Why it could win:
Why isn’t Ronald Reagan on any of our money considering he’s the best president ever?!?!?!?! If any president would make it happen, it’s this candidate.
Why it probably won’t win: Pretty easily assassinated.

9. A TREE
Why it could win:
A little affirmative action should clear that guilt over ruining the environment right up! It worked with electing a black guy, right?
Why it probably won’t win: Voters tell pollsters they like trees, but once they get in the voting booth, their bias will never let them vote for one.

10. BARACK OBAMA
Why he could win:
Voters love incumbent presidents! The Republican Party can nominate him and make Sarah Palin the vice-presidential candidate, and then impeach him once he gets elected.
Why he probably won’t win: Seriously, they’re not going to vote for a black guy.

 

Hola wonkerados.

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{ 140 comments }

memzilla May 20, 2011 at 4:29 pm

11: INANIMATE CARBON ROD
Why he could win:
strong and unbending will, won't cave in to Kenyans or Nevadans.
Why he probably won't win: Corporate ties to lobbyists for Tokyo Electric.

Monsieur_Grumpe May 20, 2011 at 4:42 pm

Why he probably won't win: Corporate ties to lobbyists for Tokyo Electric and it's black.

You're welcome.

themcwow May 20, 2011 at 4:54 pm

Oh, you!

Schmannnity May 20, 2011 at 5:20 pm

Carbon rod? Not another Black!

JustPixelz May 20, 2011 at 5:53 pm

Yours goes up to 11.

HistoriCat May 20, 2011 at 7:40 pm

In rod we trust!

Lascauxcaveman May 20, 2011 at 4:30 pm

AMERICAN FLAG / AMERICAN FLAG PIN 2012!

bumfug May 20, 2011 at 4:34 pm

Yeah, and AMERICAN FLAG BUMPERSTICKER for Secretary of State!

Cheetah Repeater May 20, 2011 at 4:35 pm

Brilliant in it's simplicity! So crazy it might actually work…

GOPCrusher May 20, 2011 at 4:48 pm

RIBBON MAGNET for Secretary of Education!

DaRooster May 20, 2011 at 4:52 pm

Them things is twisted… perfect for our education system.

DahBoner May 20, 2011 at 6:19 pm

"RIBBON MAGNET.."

My "Support Our Magnetic Ribbon Industry" ribbon magnet fell off at the car wash!

Why do car washes hate our troops?

SorosBot May 20, 2011 at 4:51 pm
WhatTheHeck May 20, 2011 at 4:54 pm

Heavens to Betsy. You’ve just unfurled the winner. The other republican contenders are left flapping in the breeze.

Sue4466 May 20, 2011 at 4:31 pm

Reagan/Cheney 2012

Neither death nor taxes need be inevitable.

bumfug May 20, 2011 at 4:32 pm

Haha, come on, everyone knows Michele Bachmann doesn't have a soul!

genxr May 20, 2011 at 4:59 pm

I assumed they meant "her otherworldly familiar which to us appears to be a dark and deadly soul"

nounverb911 May 20, 2011 at 4:32 pm

Didn't Bachmann get challenged by a fifth grader this week to see who knows the constitution better?

Geminisunmars May 20, 2011 at 4:36 pm

Didn't Bachmann get challenged by a fifth grader this week to see who knows their ass from a hole in the ground better?

thebeatgoeson May 20, 2011 at 4:55 pm

I believe it was a 10th grader. Although maybe a 5th grader could out-debate her as well…

nounverb911 May 20, 2011 at 5:01 pm

Details.

metamarcisf May 20, 2011 at 4:41 pm

And the fifth grader is getting death threats from the teabaggers. America. What a country.

genxr May 20, 2011 at 5:00 pm

And didn't Bachmann challenge that fifth grader to see whose friends could issue the most death threats? Winner, hands down.

SayItWithWookies May 20, 2011 at 4:34 pm

I'm betting on the KFC Double Down — I think it'll pullet out at the last minute.

Lascauxcaveman May 20, 2011 at 4:40 pm

When I get my write-in ballot, I'm gonna fillet in with "KFC DoubleDown."

DaRooster May 20, 2011 at 4:54 pm

Hey! That really cooks my… OW! That's friggin' hot.

OneDollarJuana May 20, 2011 at 4:58 pm

You gonna alienate the Popeye's electorate.

Worthly[♬♪♬♪♫♪♬]Skum May 20, 2011 at 5:25 pm

Agreed. The Baconator had support from the Neocons, but was unpopular with the Tea Party (too much pork).

Dudleydidwrong May 20, 2011 at 4:35 pm

Here in my part of Maryland there's a strong campaign brewing for National Bohemian beer. Let's get behind this icon of The Land of Peasant Living. (Oh, wait…)

Billmatic May 20, 2011 at 4:35 pm

Is it sad or awesome that all Tom Tomorrow needs to do is change a few names and this is still totally true and completely on point?
http://www.villagevoice.com/2007-05-08/news/guy-i

Radiotherapy May 20, 2011 at 5:27 pm

Retro!!!1!

SorosBot May 20, 2011 at 4:36 pm

I'd rather vote for the golden retriever from the Incredible Journey inspired comic book We3, because he is a cyborg killing machine.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/We3

Slim_Pickins May 20, 2011 at 4:36 pm

Put Reagan's face on the three-dollar bill.

OneDollarJuana May 20, 2011 at 4:58 pm

Or Lindsey Graham's.

CrankyLttlCamperette May 20, 2011 at 4:36 pm

Basil is an herb, not a spice. Though "Basil Marceaux: He’s herbing up the election!" would totally lock in the stoner vote. If they ever remembered to vote, that is.

V572..whatever May 20, 2011 at 4:41 pm

Big Oregano is funding his opponent heavily. Cayenne's going to sweep in and win.

OneDollarJuana May 20, 2011 at 4:59 pm

The original Tea Partaaay member.

Lionel[redacted]Esq May 20, 2011 at 7:05 pm

I think we can all agree that the Republican's would be better off if they tried a little herb.

WVUer21 May 20, 2011 at 4:37 pm

Creed Bratton/Andy Bernard 2012

SmutBoffin May 20, 2011 at 4:38 pm

Eleventy-five. Herpes Simplex Virus 1
Why it could win: Polls better than Romney. More likely to make a lasting impression on individuals coming into contact with it than T-Paw. Has excellent running mate in Herpes simplex virus 2.
Why it probably won’t win: Poor fundraiser. Valtrex.

the_problem_child May 20, 2011 at 8:05 pm

Enthusiasm will be infectious.

Negropolis May 21, 2011 at 1:51 am

Yes, among other things.

It's has the fire in the belly…and well, when you pee.

x111e7thst May 20, 2011 at 4:38 pm

Are all effects of the Rapture being adequately factored in? I think not!

genxr May 20, 2011 at 5:02 pm

The coming Rapture is the only reason moderate candidates are holding out any hope.

CrankyLttlCamperette May 20, 2011 at 4:40 pm

9. A TREE

No dice. Tree is totally Green Party and there's no way a third-party candidate will win it. Still a better candidate choice than Nader, though.

BerkeleyBear May 20, 2011 at 4:57 pm

Tree is more Libertarian, though. Especially if its a Stanfurd tree indoctrinated at the Hoover School.

Gopherit May 20, 2011 at 4:41 pm

I'd rather have Sassy the cat……she'd be ruthless, practical, and well versed in knowing on whose pillow to poo. The only down side is we'd have to see her Birf Sertifikut.

Barb May 20, 2011 at 4:41 pm

I'm starting a write-in campaign for "Mike Hunt" just so I can see Greta Von Frankenstein have to say it over and over.

OneDollarJuana May 20, 2011 at 5:01 pm

Running mate: Jack Mehoff.

Barb May 20, 2011 at 5:03 pm

FTW!

RedNM May 20, 2011 at 5:09 pm

My preference is for republican consultant, Matt Stirrbait.

Lucidamente1 May 20, 2011 at 5:35 pm

He'll have some stiff competition from Heywood Yablomi

DahBoner May 20, 2011 at 6:11 pm

Sounds Canadian to me.

I'll bet Mr. Hunt gets thirsty sometimes

pinkocommi May 20, 2011 at 4:41 pm

Michelle Bachmann: The Candidate for Americans Dropped on Their Head as an Infant.

There are a lot of them.

Pragmatist2 May 20, 2011 at 4:42 pm

How about Karl Rove:

Why he could win: He.s white. He's fat. He's from Texas and mostly because he is an ignorant and evil fuck.
Why he probably won't win: "Karl"??? They know a Marxist when they see one.

horsedreamer_1 May 20, 2011 at 4:45 pm

If by quite easily assassinated you mean soon parted up a stripper's crack, then, yes, you're right.

DahBoner May 20, 2011 at 6:07 pm

It's too late to be alone and too early to go home.

emmelemm May 20, 2011 at 4:46 pm

I resent the implication that a sweet golden retriever would have anything to do with the Republican party.

Papa_Uniform May 20, 2011 at 5:20 pm

Well, there are a lot of ball lickers in the Republican party.

Lionel[redacted]Esq May 20, 2011 at 4:47 pm

13. JESUS CHRIST

Why He could win: Everyone in the Republican claims to love him, and claims he is the inspiration behind most of their ideas. Also, possibly as good of public speaker as Obama. Also, like David Vitter, liked to hang out with whores.

Why He probably won't win: Like Romney, if you look at his record, he is at best a RINO. Believed in taxation, believed in services for the poor, was against blowing up brown people, and supported the meek and peace makers. Plus, let's face it, a bit of a long hair hippie freak.

BerkeleyBear May 20, 2011 at 4:58 pm

And he was black (or at least dark brown).

BTWBFDIMHO May 20, 2011 at 5:24 pm

Why He probably won't win: He had two fathers.

DahBoner May 20, 2011 at 6:06 pm

Adam and Steve?

pinkocommi May 20, 2011 at 6:19 pm

Why else he could win: His father is very well-connected. He can perform miracles, including getting rid of the pork from legislation. Just think how many people he can save from the next big floods by walking on water.

Why else he probably won't win: The Koch Brothers never forgave him for all that talk about rich men having as much chance getting into heaven as a camel through an eye of a needle. No birth certificate. The pro-Bacon constituency.

metamarcisf May 20, 2011 at 4:47 pm

Just found this story about Michele Bachmann (R) (Knucklehead) on the NY Times:

"Woman Accused of Trying to Sell Moon Rock"

BornInATrailer May 20, 2011 at 4:48 pm

Tree can't win because ACORN is no more. Duh.

Monsieur_Grumpe May 20, 2011 at 4:48 pm

I nominate my cat Aldous Huxely. I think he can be controled if you just feed him twice a day and keep the litter box clean.

Why he could win: Cute!
Why he probably won't win: Tends to vomit on things he doesn't like.

nounverb911 May 20, 2011 at 5:04 pm

"Tends to vomit on things he doesn't like. "
That didn't stop GHW Bush.

gef05 May 20, 2011 at 5:16 pm

"Tends to vomit on things he doesn't like."

Where's the downside?

emmelemm May 20, 2011 at 4:48 pm

Ha ha ha, like his followers understand humility or shame.

ManchuCandidate May 20, 2011 at 4:50 pm

HOVEROUND PRESIDENT TOM KRUSE

Why he probably won’t win: Mistaken for other Tom Cruise, couch jumper and "avid" "hetrosexulist." GOPers in closet disappointed that he's not the same guy in the beach volleyball scenes from the rather homoerotic video "Top Gun"

UpFistTroll May 20, 2011 at 7:07 pm

You misspelled "extremely homoerotic."

GOPCrusher May 20, 2011 at 4:52 pm

Ronald Reagan? How could anyone vote for someone who's face isn't on Mt. Rushmore?

Mumbletypeg May 20, 2011 at 4:52 pm

REAGAN again, twice this time. Stop giving the conservatards boner-fodder. Cue some Fogelberg, for oldz' times' sake. Know what, GOP?…

…"The leader of your band is dead
And your lies are growing old —
of how his blood runs through your penile enhancements
And his own veins pumped pure gold;
Your life has been a poor attempt
To exploit the man
You're a piss-poor excuse of a legacy
To the cheater of the land." ♪

PeaceWithHonor May 20, 2011 at 4:54 pm

The Constitution of the United States

Why it could win: Epic wingnut masturbation materials.

Why it probably won't win: Three-fifths compromise–compromise, even pro-slavery compromise, is for RINOs.

Extemporanus May 20, 2011 at 4:55 pm

My fellow Wonkequeers, I bring you off-topic(?) GOOD NEWS!

Like me, all of you will undoubtedly be overcome with joy to learn that mere moments ago, I was miraculously able to finally revive my limp, lamented, long ago left for dead laptop, thus meaning that I will no longer be forced to slowly, painfully, tap-tap-tap tardy, tyop-riddled commentary on a cum-caked iPad while furtively crouching naked in a free WiFi-filled, whiskey and shame-stained bathtub! (Also, too: Photoshop desecrations are back, bitchez!)

PRO-TIP: If your ancient, sorry-ass excuse for an Apple product ever decides to just cold up and brick on you, and a genial Genius Barista informs you that it will cost many hundreds of Ameros that you just don't (and probably never will) have to maybe, maybe not, fix it, simply shove the dumb thing under your hair ball-supported sofa for six months or so until the Rapture Eve arrives, and then, when you drag it out while searching for that snowcapped Nat Sherman you vaguely remember drunkenly dropping a few weeks ago, and you try to turn it on one last time before trading it on Craigslist for a business-like blowjob because you are a masochistic perverted poor, it will totally fucking fire right the fuck up as if nothing ever happened, HOORAY!

EXTEMPORANUS/LAPTOP 2012!

baconzgood May 20, 2011 at 4:59 pm

As someone who constantly uses this blog to vent personal issues. CONGRATS!.

Geminisunmars May 20, 2011 at 5:00 pm

Run!!! It's a trap!!

Barb May 20, 2011 at 5:04 pm

Congrats!

widestanceroman May 20, 2011 at 5:06 pm

So, are you at all excited about this laptop miracle (not a euphemism unless it's considered upfistable).

Troubledog May 20, 2011 at 5:06 pm

/wiping a tear away

[redacted]hse May 20, 2011 at 5:07 pm

Wait- you got Raptured early?

genxr May 20, 2011 at 5:07 pm

That should totally be on their support site.

ifthethunderdontgetya May 20, 2011 at 6:06 pm

Congratulations!

I, meself, poured a glass of wine (accidentally) into the keyboard of my laptop. There were certain bad effects!

But now, I am typing at you via the very same machine (now known as the winetop).
~

Extemporanus May 20, 2011 at 6:12 pm

I'm way too emotional right now to individually reply, but please know that without the buttsechs and support of each and every one of you, this momentous, world-ending event would never have been made possible.

To all my friennnddds! To all my frienndsss…

user-of-owls May 20, 2011 at 10:15 pm

I, for one, will withhold judgement until ASCI Option Red weighs in.

DaRooster May 20, 2011 at 4:56 pm

That's my Golden BubbaDawg… except he's not as… well drugged.

Hey, if you can't think of a good Rapture joke…
Don't worry, it's not the end of the world.

SmutBoffin May 20, 2011 at 4:56 pm

OK, last one.

001101010. Lizard people
Why they could win: Cold-blooded. Thick-skinned.
Why they probably won’t win: Cold-blooded. Thick-skinned. Really. That's their physiology.

DaRooster May 20, 2011 at 4:57 pm

Thems Paul-bearers…

BerkeleyBear May 20, 2011 at 4:59 pm

Ron is a declared candidate and hence ineligible. Rand Paul being left off, though, is just wrong – he has about as much chance as a tree and I know for a fact he can run faster than Zombie Reagan.

WhatTheHeck May 20, 2011 at 5:03 pm

Jack, Jack, Jack.
You forgot, you know, Jesus (R) Bible Belt.
By this time next week he'll have his campaign in full swing. He probably would have nailed his choice for vp as well, also.

BornInATrailer May 20, 2011 at 5:04 pm

Macho-Man Randy Savage

Why He could win: Who doesn't love the Macho Man? "Oh yeah" catch phrase easily applied to nearly any policy matter, foreign or domestic. One step closer on the path to reality and "Idiocracy" becoming one.

Why He probably won't win: Dead.

imissopus May 20, 2011 at 5:06 pm

ZOMBIE MACHO MAN '12!

genxr May 20, 2011 at 5:21 pm

Oh Yeahhahaaaaarrrrrggghghgghhh!

TsunamiAli May 20, 2011 at 10:10 pm

Thanks for that – the old man was kind of broken up about that news.

[redacted]hse May 20, 2011 at 5:05 pm

Fuck this shit. Where do we make fun of the Harold Camping followers?

Troubledog May 20, 2011 at 5:07 pm

This is a good feature. Needz moar Blingeez tho. And maybe a terror color coding system. Or some lube.

notreelyhelping May 20, 2011 at 5:07 pm

Bowl of chocolate.

Why it would win: C'mon. It's chocolate.

Why it probably won't win: Too dark for wingnuts. Eaten by debate moderator.

Callyson May 20, 2011 at 5:10 pm

Why they could win: they remind a majority of teabaggers of something that they want to protect and defend
Why they probably won't win: one swift breeze and they will float away, never to be seen again

Lucidamente1 May 20, 2011 at 5:11 pm

13. KEN LAYNE
Why he could win: He hates on Obama real good.
Why he probably won't win: It would make Trig cry.

Callyson May 20, 2011 at 5:13 pm

11. CHRISTINE O'DONNELL
Why she could win: witchcraft…how else to explain how she even got on the ballot, much less got the nomination, for a US Senate seat (from a normally sane Delaware to boot)?
Why she probably won't win: witchcraft…every sane Wiccan out there will work to counter Christine's powers, stat…

genxr May 20, 2011 at 5:24 pm

Plus she's the only candidate who has the bush to challenge a tree!

jetjaguar May 20, 2011 at 5:16 pm

"The Incredible Journey"

Oh god am I a flaming leftie…

Worthly[♬♪♬♪♫♪♬]Skum May 20, 2011 at 5:20 pm

LARRY CRAIG
Why he could win: Doesn’t cut and run.

Nope. He just stands there smiling, and watches your face as the odor overwhelmes you.

Could be winning tactic for next debate.

SpurningBeer May 20, 2011 at 5:38 pm

Born in a Trailer already picked this up, and it's off-topic, but the world is going to end anyway, so fuck it.

Randy "Macho Man" Savage died today. He was my age.

I've been a huge fan for a very long time. I have a giant foam cowboy hat with his name on it. I am going to have to buy and eat a Slim Jim in his honor. I'll wear the hat.

DahBoner May 20, 2011 at 5:58 pm

Be careful there.

Maybe it was the Slim Jims which helped him to his early demise?

That and the roids…

SpurningBeer May 20, 2011 at 6:04 pm

Uh-oh. I have hemorrhoids, too.

genxr May 20, 2011 at 6:28 pm

STICK IT WITH A SLIM JIM!!!!!!!11!!!!

TsunamiAli May 20, 2011 at 10:13 pm

I'm upfisting this entire thread in honor of Randy Savage.

Warpde May 20, 2011 at 5:42 pm

666. THE ANTICHRIST.
Why he could win: Because scripture tells us so.
Why he probably won't win: Not radical enough for the Tea Party.

On a side note. Isn't it tomorrow in Australia today? They still there?

DahBoner May 20, 2011 at 5:56 pm

According to Camping, it starts at 6pm Pacific time tommorow.

Which means USA #1/World.

And California, #1/50 U.S..

Exactly the POV you would expect from someone living in Cali…

genxr May 20, 2011 at 5:57 pm

Center of the universe! Thought so!

Arken May 20, 2011 at 5:45 pm

11. NEWT GINGRICH

Why he could win:

genxr May 20, 2011 at 5:58 pm

Congratulations. You did that without quoting anything he ever said, making factually correct.

TanzbodenKoenig May 20, 2011 at 6:01 pm

Fanbois might mistake him for a Harry Potter character?

Warpde May 20, 2011 at 6:01 pm

Yeah, I hear you. Got the same answer when I thought about him.

BarackMyWorld May 20, 2011 at 5:50 pm

I'll say again that Ronald Reagan was probably too liberal for the current Republican Party.

SpurningBeer May 20, 2011 at 5:54 pm

He's also much too moribund to be pro-life.

DahBoner May 20, 2011 at 5:53 pm

Rep. Sean Duffy (R-WI)

Appeals to "common" man making $175K/year.

"Duffy is asked whether he'd support cutting his own salary…He then said that the $174,000 in salary (not including benefits) he receives is a squeeze for his family of seven to live on:

I can guarantee you, or most of you, I guarantee that I have more debt than all of you. With 6 kids, I still pay off my student loans. I still pay my mortgage. I drive a used minivan. If you think I'm living high on the hog, I've got one paycheck. So I struggle to meet my bills right now. Would it be easier for me if I get more paychecks? Maybe, but at this point I'm not living high on the hog."

BlueStateLibel May 20, 2011 at 7:27 pm

Oh, the horror. Needz to get them lazy-ass kids a-working if you ask me.

MinAgain May 20, 2011 at 5:55 pm

Why it probably won’t win: We’re gonna say racial controversy.

Nope. Gambling addiction.

TanzbodenKoenig May 20, 2011 at 6:00 pm

Baby Jeebus

Why he could win: Smarter and more articulate than the entire remaining GOP field, even though he can't hold his own head up, much less talk

Why he probably won't: Too sexually provocative for the average GOP closet case homophobe. Also, on the record in the Bible as saying a lot of suspicially liberal things

BlueStateLibel May 20, 2011 at 7:28 pm

Kicking over the money-changers' tables in the Temple wouldn't help him either. "Pass," says the average GOP voter.

mavenmaven May 20, 2011 at 6:01 pm

George Will/Richard Cohen!

DahBoner May 20, 2011 at 6:02 pm

"As long as there is one yuppie investment banker in this country who can still rape a woman on his yacht because of tax breaks, the dream stays alive."

The nicest thing you can say about Reagan's zombie corpse is that he's got style.

He always shows up to the Investment Banker Yacht Rape Parties in a brand-new, pink Caddy with a 17 year old black, pregnant, Welfare Queen…

C_R_Eature May 20, 2011 at 6:07 pm

Kinky Friedman.

Why He Could Win:
From Texas, really.
Kinky.
Why the Hell Not?

Why He Won't:
From Texas (not again!)
Not Kinky Enough for RNC
"Whut the Hell kinda name is Freedmun, Boy?"

BlueStateLibel May 20, 2011 at 6:13 pm

We should just make this easy–have Obama run in both the Dem and Repub primaries. He's pretty a much a Repub at this point–or at least in the old time mode of an Eisenhower or Nixon. Eisenhower ordered the desegregation of the U.S. military and Washington, D.C. schools, and warned us to beware of the military industrial complex. Nixon also promoted desegregation, voting rights–hell, he even proposed expanding day-care centers for the children of working women. Today's Repubs would brand these two as wacko far lefties and they wouldn't stand a chance. Also Obama needs to do is move a little bit more to the right, kill a few more Al Queda, and he'd have a great chance against the current motley crew of wack jobs.

DahBoner May 20, 2011 at 6:14 pm

"Also, they will be too depressed and humiliated to show their faces at the polling station."

That would be uh, logical.

But "logic" is not what motivates his followers.

So, believe it or not, the failure of the rapture will cause them to "double down" (See: McCain) on their beliefs and think that Camping is MORE correct on May 22nd than ever before.

I kid you not…

Walkinwiddaking May 20, 2011 at 6:42 pm

6. BASIL MARCEAUX
Why he could win: This cheesy campaign slogan we’re giving him free of charge: “Basil Marceaux: He’s spicing up the election!”
Why he probably won’t win: Enslavement by traffic stops, obviously.

Every pasta dish in America will be pullin' for him.

Lionel[redacted]Esq May 20, 2011 at 7:06 pm

Technically, aren't those scooter nutz?

fuflans May 20, 2011 at 7:15 pm

the republican party should just nominate netanyahu and be done with it.

Pithaughn May 20, 2011 at 7:42 pm

Molecule of Heavy Water. What? It is heavy.
Can transmutate into what ever kind of water turns out to be the most popular in focus groups.

TsunamiAli May 20, 2011 at 10:16 pm

Opportunist!

randcoolcatdaddy May 20, 2011 at 8:44 pm

Ooo… can I play?

DWIGHT D. EISENHOWER
Why he could win: Voters love military men and endless war!
Why he probably won’t win: Hasn't been in a reality tv show lately.

BZ1 May 20, 2011 at 11:25 pm

Where's Lou Sarah??!

Negropolis May 21, 2011 at 1:42 am

Somebody voters would like to feed a bowl of beer with.

Again, I'm laughing so hard I'm having a lung spasm, here. Jack, you will be missed.

Negropolis May 21, 2011 at 1:47 am

8. A FORECLOSED HOME

Why it could win: With a dearth of empty space, it is a major improvement over a Big Tent. It can support a whole host of elephants as opposed to one.
Why it probably won’t win: Some lazy Fannie Mae/Freddie Mac minority probably lived in it. Also, the homeowners might still be squatting in it. Also, probably damaged by a meth explosion.

ttommyunger May 21, 2011 at 5:30 am

Ted Nugent: why he would win-his penis is smaller than even the average Republican's. This would get him a ginormous sympathy vote from the Right. Why he won't win-he is a ginormous Dick even by Republican Standards. I know, its complicated.

ghblowhard May 23, 2011 at 9:15 am

Riley Waggaman / Wonkabout 2012

ghblowhard May 23, 2011 at 9:36 am

Come on Wonkette, the cat Sassy in Homeward Bound would be a much better candidate than The Golden retriever Shadow. The delivery of her famous line "yeah right, chow down Chubby" in the movie not only proves she is SASSY, something sorely lacking in all of the GOP candidates so far, but her attention to Chubby's diet also shows she is concerned about the welfare of today's youth and childhood obesity much like our FLOTUS.

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