as straight as a ham biscuit

Lindsey Graham’s Butchest Moments

Full speed ahead!
For years, Lindsey Graham has been dogged (a little bit of pun intended there) by allegations that he is gay. He denies this, and professes to just be a strange bachelor whose house is strewn with trash. Last December, however, gay-outer Mike Rogers said he had “pictures” of a man who spent the night at Graham’s house. But the photos never materialized. Sure, there are photos like the one above, of a man showing Ham Biscuits a map of a penis being inserted into some kind of orifice. But in the interest of closure, we’ve tried to find some really butch photos of Graham. He’s totally straight!

Here’s Lindsey with his fellow beauty pageant winners bitches. (Wait, that almost sounds as bad.)

'Nice to meet you, lady. Will you marry me?'
Lindsey may be distracted by something and not actually watching the woman next to him, but hey, look at that erection he’s covering up!

Infiltrating the rear guard.
Hmm, this time he’s staring at a strapping army man when he’s covering it up. Maybe a hot lady just walked by?

Story of his life.
Here he is with men in uniform again and has to use even stronger force to keep down the boner: the edge of a weighty plaque. Why are the sexy women always off camera? Where did you put your ladies, Lindsey? Seems kind of odd he didn’t have to strike this pose with the beauty queens.

Which one is the boy 'scout'?
Well, Boy Scouts aren’t allowed within 500 yards of a gay person! ERGO, STRAIGHT.

'You ever get your mouth around one of my ham biscuits, son? Dee-licious!'
The caption on this said the two were discussing the YMCA. Nothing gay about that! The YMCA is where men go to do very masculine things like build muscle and take showers with each other.

Wicked straight!
Lindsey Graham speaking in a classroom at Bob Jones University. Notice the Jesus lesson above the chalkboard about “wicked thoughts,” then look back down at Lindsey’s face. He’s certainly not thinking anything wicked!

Well that's not an amorous gaze at all.
Finally, the greatest American male activity: football. Surely Graham was drawn in by the thrill of the sport, not because the team is called the “Cocks.”

Yep, no problem here! Keep on opposing rights for gay people, Ham Biscuits.

About the author

Jack Stuef is your loyal editor and a freelance satirist or something like that. He is a contributing writer for The Onion. E-mail him or whatever.

View all articles by Jack Stuef
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  1. Barb

    "….and has to use even stronger force to keep down the boner: the edge of a weighty plaque." I'm sure he's had plenty of plaque on his boner from young men who don't floss properly.

  2. Lascauxcaveman

    I'm convinced, he's a straight as any man-jack out of the Carolinas. I'm going invite him over for brunch and mimosas and we'll watch the figure skating competitions on teevee afterwards.

      1. Lascauxcaveman

        They are lovely. I had one with my mom on Mother's Day.

        But they are as gay as anything with alcohol in it can get. Except maybe Zima (does that still exist?)

        1. Fare la Volpe

          I dunno. I once had a cosmo with a squeeze of lemon and a little umbrella. A little umbrella with glitter.

  3. OkieDokieDog

    He's not gay, he's just a girly man.

    I'm more concerned with South Carolina's Mooslim looking flag.

  4. DaSandman

    Have you, at long last, no sympathy or shame, Jack?

    His parents named him Lindsey for Christ sake. That was just putting the little tyke on the Homo Express..They might as well have named him Salamandera Gobblecock. The little cracker never had a chance.

      1. DaSandman

        Yeah, hmmm. I thought it was my usual hangover coupled with a particularly nasty rash.

    1. Graham Cracker

      Also his parents made him wear his hair in pigtails in grade school… and then there was that clown face!

      1. Lascauxcaveman

        Hey, even FDR started out a little on the girly side. By the time he was a full-time politician, he was a husband, a father (Of six! With Eleanor!) , and banging mistresses on the side.

      2. Terry

        Not to mention the velvet pantaloons and the shirt with the big lace collar and cuffs

    2. Negropolis

      Salamandra sounds so Southern. I'd not at all be surprised to find out that's an actual name.

  5. Tengu

    Graham has a dream to turn America around.
    Then slowly pull its pants down while whispering gently into America's ear and…

  6. GunToting[Redacted]

    Jesus, check out the forward head position on this guy! Someone get him to a chiropractor, STAT!

    1. Jukesgrrl

      He had a better reason to avoid service than Dick Cheney, George W., Rush "Boil Butt" Limbaugh, Bill O'Reilly, _____________ [fill in the name of your favorite Republican warmonger here]. And still he served his country in the JAG corps, sportin' a smart uniform and supporting the brave warriors every way he could. I'll bet he even made mercy visits to the brig. You people should be ashamed of making fun of this Great American.

  7. mourningnmerica

    If Lindsey were indeed straight, his name would be spelled with an A. That's the guy spelling. So, there you have it.

  8. SayItWithWookies

    Lindsey is not gay — he's just a normal straight man who wants to grow up to be a princess.

  9. Badonkadonkette

    Making fun of Lindsey Graham is easy. You might say he's a low hanging fruit.

  10. Lionel[redacted]Esq

    In Conservative Circles, pretending to be closeted ghey is the best way to hot toliet stall sex.

    1. Terry

      I hope there's a bear out there who's a registered Democrat who'd be willing to "date" Lindsey

  11. SorosBot

    In the photo with Lindsey in the classroom, compare the angle he's standing at to the desk & chalkboard behind him – either he's not straight or the room isn't.

  12. DaRooster

    Man… he looks surprisingly MORE comfortable in every picture but the one at the pageant… hmm.

  13. Merkin

    Mmmm, who is the delectable shiny-faced young fellow with the bow tie? I must ring up ol' Linds and compare notes.

  14. prommie

    My experience of the southern gentry is that all of the men are gay, each and every one of them. Poncing little Ashley Wilkses, hanging around the country club in their pink Lacoste polos and bermuda shorts, or the madras, with the ribbon belts with spouting whales, mincing and sniffing and gossiping and bitching nancy-boys, the lot of them. Their poor neglected wives have to resort to hopping on any cock they can find, at every opportunity (I'm looking at you, Nikki Haley). And they're mean and vicious as fucking snakes, too. And thats the modern GOP.

    1. gef05

      Ye-es. Here in the land of polite Southern rudeness we take our posturing and cock hopping seriously.

      It's important to have hobbies.

    2. Negropolis

      Bing-fuckin'-O. But, apparently, gays only exists in the North and on the Pacific coasts. The most flamboyant dandies a body could ever see are down in the Freaky, Durrty Souf.

    3. littlebigdaddy

      Nice analysis. I would have to agree. I grew up in that sort of environment. Got out. And, yeah, I am as butch as it gets.

  15. LabRodent

    I wonder if its hard to pretend you dont like Dicks in a room full of Dicks when you are in fact a Dick yourself.

  16. OneDollarJuana

    In the words of another not gay senator: "I am not gay. I love my wife."

    Oh, wait….

  17. nappyduggs

    Lord-a-mercy, in those photos of him with the uniform-types he practically looks like a nervous schoolgirl. I just picture him with his little toes pointed inwards while he shifts his weight back and forth, and says in his most coquettish Blanche Dubois/honeysuckle drawl, "Well I do declare, you boys must be stronger than my granddaddy's Saturday nite likker."

    1. FakaktaSouth

      Where as on the other hand, he looks like a pea in a pod with the sassy pageant gals.

  18. PuckStopsHere

    This man has as much chance of convincing the world that he is straight as a Rethuglican has of convincing the world that he is compassionate.

  19. RedneckMuslin

    Nothing wrong with being gay, Lindsey. It's the southern conservatism that we hate.

    1. chicken_thief

      Suck a dick and have it filmed. That'll get rid of the "allegedly" in a heartbeat.

      1. horsedreamer_1

        Lindsey tends to linger a bit longer than most in the Senators's shower at the Congressional gym.

  20. undeterredbyreality

    Come on. Lindsey Graham gay? Would a gay man say "“I am willing to take the bruises and stand by Obama" That could only happen if there were gay people who also like it rough. And we know that's not possible.

  21. JoshuaNorton

    If he butched it up a little more, he could probably be Kurt's understudy on "Glee".

  22. gef05

    Dear Downfister

    Every time you click the little red fist I wank a little more to the photos on this page. CLICK FASTER PLEASE YOU ARE BREAKING MY RHYTHM

      1. Gomez571

        You broke my heart. He just started following me, and I was so excited, because nobody follows me. So I guess I am "On Notice."

  23. chicken_thief

    In that third pic he his covering up the boner he got from checking out the the boner that the brotha on the left is attempting to hide.

  24. Texan_Bulldog

    In defense of Lindsey (in the 3rd pic), if that's Karen Hughes he's standing behind, he definitely doesn't have an erection. Would you?

  25. Mahousu

    Poor Lindsey was disqualified from the Carolina beauty pageant for being too short. He must be at least 8 inches shorter than the one in the white top – Miss West Carolina, maybe? (She can't be either North or South, as red and yellow have them covered.) Too bad, as I understand he has a killer baton-twirling routine.

      1. Negropolis

        If his is doing that, perhaps he should see a doctor. There is medication for that. Also, an app. Also.

  26. fartknocker

    The men in dress uniform are firefighters. They're asking Lindsey if he would like to come by the fire station and have a nice meal of cake and cock. By the time Lindsey gets their, they will have eaten all the cake, so Lindsey will only have cock.

  27. DonnyKerabotsos

    I don't know about Lindsey Graham but Charleston Harbor definitely sounds gay.

  28. Native_of_SL_UT

    I opened this post because I thought it was a nice memorial piece.
    Then I realized Graham was still alive.

  29. randcoolcatdaddy

    Jeebus … Lindsey Graham gives me the creeps. He's always reminded me of one of those chronic alcoholics fluttering around the patio of a gay bar on a Saturday night spilling his mint julip on everyone's dresses as he drawls, "Y'all havin' a good time? You go, grrrrrl," before he throws up in the bush behind the two Leather daddies.

  30. Weenus299

    Fuck, I'm the South Carolina Columbitard who has to say it: U CAIN'T LICK R COCKS!

  31. teebob2000

    The scout picture alt-text reminded me of a joke that was on our local (Chicago) "Bozo's Circus" teevee show many, many, many years ago when I was MUCH younger. Looking back, quite inappropriate considering.

    Bozo said something about being a girl scout. His fellow clown sidekick asked, "how can you be a girl scout?" Bozo replied, "you scout what you want, I'll scout what I want!"

  32. mumbly_joe

    The caption on this said the two were discussing the YMCA. Nothing gay about that! The YMCA is where men go to do very masculine things like build muscle and take showers with each other.

    They have everything that you need to enjoy,
    You can hang out with all the boys …

  33. JustPixelz

    I see South Carolinians have a Muslim crescent on their flag. Must be 'cause they're under Sharia Law. I'd accuse them of disloyalty to the United States Constitution, but pretty sure everyone already knows that. And they're proud of it anyway.

  34. mumbly_joe

    I keep on wanting deeply to make a "southern belle/coming out party" joke, but for the life of me, I can't come up with one. Brilliant and depraved minds of Wonkette, can you help me out with this?

  35. mrblifil

    I heard there was video of him and Andrew Breitbart groping each other. I was promised this video by an irreverent political poop blog, but they reneged. Makes one wonder.

  36. DashboardBuddha

    Damn…that picture with the map is provocative. Also…doesn't Lindsey remind you of Mr. Garrison?

  37. Geminisunmars

    More important than being allegedly gay is that he has a time machine that he uses to go and visit a youthful Tucker Carlson in.

    1. GOPCrusher

      Or is that Tucker Carlson's little brother? Know it can't be his son, because Tucker is a Rectal Ranger too.

  38. fuflans

    can't we associate lindsey with some food other than ham biscuits? i do not live near ham biscuits and now i want ham biscuits again.

    1. Jukesgrrl

      Apparently, downfisters are even more protective of ham biscuits than Lindsey Graham. You managed to get at least three slaps for that comment. I wonder how they feel about Joe Liebermann and his favorite snacks.

  39. widestanceroman

    If he's gay, I want to be cured.

    If he's not, I want the rumors to stop.

    We have suffered enough from Republicans. Having this church lady mess in our ranks is asking a little too much.

  40. Jukesgrrl

    Is Anita Bryant free these days? She'd be a good one, Linds. And she probably needs the money enough to stay in her own bedroom with the TV turned up while you frolic down the hall.

  41. rocktonsam

    Teh gays would never except him as a member, man, hes a crappy dresser and what not

  42. Terry

    As is the historical plantation house down by Charleston that he and his long time companion are restoring.

  43. Walkinwiddaking

    A may 4th press release:
    "WASHINGTON – U.S. Senator Lindsey Graham (R-South Carolina) today made this statement on President Obama’s decision not to release photos of the corpse of Osama Bin Laden.

    “I respectfully disagree with President Obama’s decision not to release the photos. It’s a mistake.

    “The whole purpose of sending our soldiers into the compound, rather than an aerial bombardment, was to obtain indisputable proof of Bin Laden’s death. I know Bin Laden is dead. But the best way to protect and defend our interests overseas is to prove that fact to the rest of the world.

    “I’m afraid the decision made today by President Obama will unnecessarily prolong this debate.”
    You know you're butch when you want to throw that red meat out to the public.

  44. Negropolis

    Leave Lindsey alone. Can't a man down a few mint julips on his antebellum plantation veranda whilst being fanned by brown gentlemen whilst watching reruns of Designing Women without having aspersions cast as to his sexuality? Lindsey is just a busy Suhthin' gentlemen, thas all.

  45. ttommyunger

    I think we should leave him alone. Hasn't he got enough to contend with just being Lindsey fucking Graham?

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