LIKE LOSING THE VIETNAM WAR TWICE  12:35 pm May 20, 2011

World’s Most Unfortunate Young Woman Joins Palin Family

by Jack Stuef

Oh God, what if this quick wedding means SHE'S pregnant? Ahhh! Get out while you still can!In Alaska, tragedy has struck: Sarah Palin’s son Track (who is a person, not a Hot Wheels play set), married a young woman, officially making her a Palin and a part of the Arctic’s largest grifting operation. Around the world, people now grieve for her, as this is pretty much the worst thing that can happen to a person. Will she be forced to talk about how much she loves guns and, paradoxically, “life” on a reality teevee show? Will she be forced to get a new chin? Probably. Osama bin Laden’s widows had this to say in a joint statement: “As much as we wish death upon the United States, we stand together with and pray for the grieving people of America, who have lost an innocent woman to the Palin family at a tragic young age. May God be with you in your hour of need before He smites you.”

“Our families couldn’t be happier!” the Hansons and Palins tell PEOPLE in a joint statement. “These are two hard working, humble, active, studious young adults who grew up together. We’re tickled that after two decades of friendship we proudly witnessed their marriage, knowing their new life together will be blessed.”

YOU MONSTERS. LET HER GO! Nobody should be subjected to such inhuman torture!

The couple will have a larger wedding celebration this winter at Alaska’s Alyeska Ski Resort “when extended family and friends from the Lower 48 can travel north for a long ski weekend,” says the statement from Sarah and Todd Palin and the Rev. Duane and Elizabeth Hanson.

Oh, winter, when Alaska is at its most frigid and the Sun appears in the sky for approximately three minutes a day! Yes, that sounds like a romantic and fun vacation destination. They can just put on skis to pretend they are not in an utterly depressing wasteland filled with idiots. [People]

 
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{ 279 comments }

Barb May 20, 2011 at 12:37 pm

What, the groom isn't wearing camouflage? He's wearing jeans! was the reception held at the Wasilla Casa Kielbasa?

anniegetyerfun May 20, 2011 at 12:39 pm

Incidentally, "Welcome to the Wasilla Casa Kielbasa" is what Track said the first time they had sex.

Barb May 20, 2011 at 12:52 pm

Twenty bucks says Levi said it to her before Track did.

mrpuma2u May 20, 2011 at 1:55 pm

"Keep it in the family" is the Palin family motto.

OneDollarJuana May 20, 2011 at 2:04 pm

"Which Palin did you have sex with?"

"All of 'em, Katie!"

DahBoner May 20, 2011 at 2:33 pm

Yeah, why is he wearing a Track suit like Ali G?

padremickey May 20, 2011 at 6:18 pm

Them Palins sure git gussied up fer a weddin', don't they?

Terry May 20, 2011 at 9:41 pm

I bet you that when they do hold the big family hootenanny at the Alyeska ski resort that the blushing bride will be suspiciously wearing an empire waist dress.

FannyBurney May 21, 2011 at 3:10 pm

Give Palin some credit. At least she didn't sell the wedding night pix to People magazine.

Ms Whatever May 23, 2011 at 1:17 am

Yet.

catchtheflava May 20, 2011 at 12:38 pm

Didn't Track join the Army because of something to do with meth? "Got a letter in the mail/Said go to war or go to jail…"

PubOption May 20, 2011 at 1:09 pm

Vandalized school buses, I think.

Lascauxcaveman May 20, 2011 at 1:09 pm

Not meth, vandalism. It was all over the internets at some point.

teebob2000 May 20, 2011 at 1:35 pm

We should all start saying it was meth anyhow.

And what the fuck kinda anonymous internet poster ARE you?? You cloud the issue with facts?? GTFO. LOL.

tessiee May 20, 2011 at 1:51 pm

"We should all start saying it was meth anyhow. "

Considering the way they bitch and moan when anybody *accurately* reports anything about that family, we might as well make up an entertaining lie. The whining will be the same either way.

SorosBot May 20, 2011 at 1:40 pm

It's an old story; he got in a little hometown jam, so the put a rifle in his hand, sent him off to a foreign land, to go and kill the yellow Muslim man.

anniegetyerfun May 20, 2011 at 12:38 pm

Oh, knocked up, for sure.

PsycWench May 20, 2011 at 1:09 pm

We recognize the familiar flowerst-over-the-belly maneuver, a favorite of wedding photographers.

CapeClod May 20, 2011 at 1:17 pm

In Alaska I don't think you're allowed to get married until you get your first sonogram.

SorosBot May 20, 2011 at 1:20 pm

They're 22 and 21, way too young to get married; so probably knocked up, although they could just be really stupid.

widestanceroman May 20, 2011 at 1:26 pm

All of them.

trampndirtdown May 21, 2011 at 1:38 am

That's kind of old for fundies.

WunkRocker May 20, 2011 at 2:01 pm

Trig II, Arctic Bugaloo.

ganmerlad May 20, 2011 at 2:07 pm

Due to the obvious solemnity and depth of the occasion as evidenced by the wedding party all wearing "going to the grocery store" clothes, I vote preggers as well.

FakaktaSouth May 20, 2011 at 4:02 pm

I'm agreeing here also, based on the "gonna have another weddin' when the folks from the lower 48 can come, in about 7 months, the winter, or whenever she loses the baby fat."

techmom May 20, 2011 at 8:32 pm

it's a family tradition

PhilippePetain July 21, 2011 at 12:58 pm

Oh, how prescient of you!

GuyClinch May 20, 2011 at 12:39 pm

She and Kate Middleton should start a support group/reality-teevee show

SorosBot May 20, 2011 at 12:39 pm

Wait – she's part of the Hansons? It sounds like she's already used to being part of an untalented family of famewhores. And I knew that at least one of them was really a girl.

anniegetyerfun May 20, 2011 at 6:39 pm

TAKE THAT BACK. MMMBOP WAS A GREAT SONG.

jus_wonderin May 20, 2011 at 12:39 pm

Britta? Will she be the filter for the family?

Chillwaver May 20, 2011 at 1:11 pm

I don't think they make a bullshit filter yet.

tessiee May 20, 2011 at 1:53 pm

Filter ain't gonna do it. That family needs an entire sewage treatment plant.

Chet Kincaid May 20, 2011 at 2:53 pm

She used to be named "PUR", but then they had to get married.

Nothingisamiss May 20, 2011 at 3:12 pm

Many upfists for this catch.

Callyson May 20, 2011 at 12:40 pm

And her due date is…

jus_wonderin May 20, 2011 at 12:42 pm

I am setting my calendar was we post…….

tessiee May 20, 2011 at 1:54 pm

We could have a betting pool. Winner gets a pasta salad.

PuckStopsHere May 20, 2011 at 2:17 pm

Winner gets Mooseburgers, duh.

DahBoner May 20, 2011 at 2:36 pm

The betting pool needs to be multi-dimensional, so we can also bet on which inbreeding genetic mutation is expressed in the offspring..

tessiee May 20, 2011 at 6:10 pm

Less than nine months from now, I guarantee that.

Barb May 20, 2011 at 12:40 pm

I don't see the spinster Brisdull in the photo. I said it, so sue me.

Chillwaver May 20, 2011 at 12:56 pm

Her fancy new chin didn't fit in the same pic as her mom's ego.

widestanceroman May 20, 2011 at 1:28 pm

I have a friend who heard a rumor that she IS Bristol, but the lamestream media won't go near that story.

Radiotherapy May 20, 2011 at 12:40 pm

They've already named the bun in the oven: "Field."

jus_wonderin May 20, 2011 at 12:45 pm

Probably so, but that would not conform to a "where it was conceived" naming convention. My bets are on Tool Shed.

FNMA May 20, 2011 at 12:49 pm

F-150.

Bonzos_Bed_Time May 20, 2011 at 1:29 pm

Come on, keep it classy. Simply stay with Ford.

DashboardBuddha May 20, 2011 at 1:56 pm

Too generic. How about Lariat or Eddie Bauer?

GuyClinch May 20, 2011 at 12:56 pm

"Mud Room Palin"
"Crawl Space Palin"
but probably:
"Todd Palin, Jr."

Negropolis May 21, 2011 at 1:05 am

That is so wrong in all the right ways.

PubOption May 20, 2011 at 1:12 pm

What about Trig? That must have been a very disorderly math class!

Worthly[♬♪♬♪♫♪♬]Skum May 20, 2011 at 1:13 pm

"where it was conceived" naming convention

Track: plausible
Bristol: plausible http://www.bristolmotorspeedway.com/
Willow: plausible, kinda nice actually
Piper: what, they went to Highland Games?
Trig: implausible, Sarah has never been in a math class

Clancy_Pants May 20, 2011 at 1:20 pm

Piper was seeded in a Piper Cub on their way to a salmon fishing shack outside of Bumfuck AK. Mile high club, check.

Lascauxcaveman May 20, 2011 at 1:24 pm

Also, Bristol Bay AK, is an actual place and contains the thriving metropoli of Dillingham, King Salmon, and Naknek. Each of them entirely conceivable, as it were.

But I don't think even a snowbilliy would name her daughter Dillingham. A son, maybe. And next to 'Nakneck' the name 'Bristol' sounds almost normal.

Jerri May 20, 2011 at 1:57 pm

I refuse to believe naming a boy "King Salmon Palin" never crossed Sarah's megalomaniacal, albeit pea-sized, mind.

tessiee May 20, 2011 at 1:57 pm

"Trig: implausible, Sarah has never been in a math class "

No woman with the most basic grasp of math would have that many kids.

We know that Silly Sarah named Trig after his chromosomal abnormality, but saying so is a terrible, terrible thing that will cause an indignant outcry (although doing so in the first place is apparently somehow OK). See also my other comment about how accurate observations produce screeching hysteria from Lou Sarah and her minions.

ganmerlad May 20, 2011 at 2:20 pm

Trig has to stand for 'Todd's Rig'. Probably happened from a nooner in the supply closet while she was visiting him in the oil field. Although, come to think of it, if it happened in the summer when he does his fishing job, it may stand for 'Trawler rigging'. (though then they would have just named him Trawl).

OneDollarJuana May 20, 2011 at 2:25 pm

"Trig" is an old euphemism for men's underwear. I used to see it in 1950' New Yorker magazines.

Nothingisamiss May 20, 2011 at 3:14 pm

Interesting, but I don't recall New Yorker being one of her favorite magazines when Katie asked the question.

DahBoner May 20, 2011 at 2:43 pm

Trigger was Roy Rodger's horse's name, the original, known on movie sets as "the Old Man".

So, it could just be some random "Old Man" who screwed her in a Wasilla Meth house.

Also, the original Trigger was born in 1934 on a ranch in San Diego.

So, it could also have happened just across the border in TJ at a "Donkey show".

By the way, the San Diego ranch was partly owned by Bing Crosby.

So, it could have been Bing Crosby's corpse, also to…

babyeinstein May 20, 2011 at 3:36 pm

Sarah's never been in a math class, but Bristol has. BUM BUM.

CapeClod May 20, 2011 at 1:14 pm

"Laundry Room"

chicken_thief May 20, 2011 at 1:20 pm

For that, they'd have to consult with Levi.

Gomez571 May 20, 2011 at 1:26 pm

The claim is that Track was named for the season in which he was born, so my money is on "Christmas" if its a girl or "Football" if its a boy

Bonzos_Bed_Time May 20, 2011 at 1:30 pm

Bridge (to nowhere)

riverside68 May 20, 2011 at 1:51 pm

Men's room
Dobb (dirt out behind bar)

horsedreamer_1 May 20, 2011 at 1:13 pm

Britta & Track are stars, & they are beautiful people.

Negropolis May 21, 2011 at 1:09 am

Marilyn Manson Beautiful People or Chris Brown Beautiful People?

tessiee May 20, 2011 at 1:55 pm

"Broken Rubber"

DashboardBuddha May 20, 2011 at 1:58 pm

Buster Condom

Doktor Zoom May 20, 2011 at 2:23 pm

Duh. The kid will be "Halftrack." You know, for the troops.

And for Beetle Bailey, whose service was at least as honorable as Track's.

GOPCrusher May 20, 2011 at 3:06 pm

Kenai Palin

flamingpdog May 20, 2011 at 5:08 pm

Might get a hint from this. http://www.chacha.com/question/what-is-sarah-pali

Negropolis May 21, 2011 at 1:10 am

How 'bout just plain old Bastard Palin? You know, wipe away the pretenses.

trampndirtdown May 21, 2011 at 1:44 am

Wouldn't that get pretty confusing at family gatherings?

MittsHairHelmet May 20, 2011 at 12:40 pm

Following the ceremony, a small reception was held at the local Applebee's. Mozzarella sticks and Potato Skins were served.

GOPCrusher May 20, 2011 at 3:06 pm

The couple are registered at Dollar General.

memzilla May 20, 2011 at 12:41 pm

This means that drilling is going on in ANWR, the Alaskan Natural Wackadoodle Reserve.

loulouroo May 20, 2011 at 12:41 pm

Do the Palins get married in secret ceremonies set up by their parents in shady deals years in advance, as children, like other grifters? Such as the Irish Travelers? Just wonderin'.

anniegetyerfun May 20, 2011 at 12:41 pm

Actually, Ithey seem like OK kids, right? He's going to go to college, she's a nursing student. Neither of them goes on camera and babbles incoherently about how great Sarah is… maybe they are human after all? Like, he could be adopted.

They got married without any great fanfare, though, so either she is preggers or they just have no patience for pomp and circumstance.

V572..whatever May 20, 2011 at 1:22 pm

Plus he's an Army Reservist, been to the Sandbox once or twice. Glammordammerung and I have been debating about whether that makes him an odious mercenary or a heroic public servant, or somewhere in between.

anniegetyerfun May 20, 2011 at 1:30 pm

All of them, Charlie.

Lascauxcaveman May 20, 2011 at 1:32 pm

It makes him a guy who joined the army to avoid going to jail. So maybe there's some hope for him, in a traditional bad-boy-gets-reformed kinda way.

Negropolis May 21, 2011 at 1:14 am

People seem to think Track is a decent dude because he was seen so little, and doesn't like the camera, but from everything I've read about his history, he's just as much a typical Palin as the rest of them, unfortunately.

PsycWench May 20, 2011 at 12:42 pm

“These are two hard working, humble, active, studious young adults who grew up together."
Are we SURE that one of them is a born Palin?

memzilla May 20, 2011 at 12:45 pm

One of them has to be majoring in Advanced Griftology and Famewhoring.

JimmyCarlBlack May 20, 2011 at 1:10 pm

I'm guessing both of them were born Palins.

riverside68 May 20, 2011 at 1:57 pm

Does it count as a Palin if the father was not a Palin?

Radiotherapy May 20, 2011 at 12:42 pm

You know who else liked to have celebrations at his mountain retreat?

donner_froh May 20, 2011 at 12:45 pm

Spider Sabich?

Radiotherapy May 20, 2011 at 1:23 pm

This is going downhill, fast.

V572..whatever May 20, 2011 at 1:23 pm

Ha ha! Claudine Longet salutes you! Andy Wms too, all the way from Branson!

Chet Kincaid May 20, 2011 at 12:51 pm

Zeus? The Mountain King?

undeterredbyreality May 20, 2011 at 1:08 pm

007?

SayItWithWookies May 20, 2011 at 1:21 pm

Robert Redford?

mariser May 20, 2011 at 1:26 pm

Godzilla?
Sasquatch?

widestanceroman May 20, 2011 at 1:30 pm

OBL?

flamingpdog May 20, 2011 at 1:30 pm

Hugh Hefner?
Oh, wait, you said "mountain retreat", not "mountains retreat".

Bonzos_Bed_Time May 20, 2011 at 1:34 pm

"mounds of teat"

horsedreamer_1 May 20, 2011 at 2:11 pm

& when is that marriage going to take place? Hef isn't getting any younger, Crystal Harris.

Bonzos_Bed_Time May 20, 2011 at 1:36 pm

Perhaps in an Eagle's Nest?

mausgeo May 20, 2011 at 1:51 pm

Sonny Bono?

riverside68 May 20, 2011 at 1:58 pm

Ow, my head hurts.

Nothingisamiss May 20, 2011 at 3:20 pm

So awful I really laughed out loud.

riverside68 May 20, 2011 at 3:54 pm

I could have gone with 'till death do us part'
or that's one way to get a woody

Doktor Zoom May 20, 2011 at 2:36 pm

Lady Margolotta Amaya Katerina Assumpta Crassina Von Uberwald?

ShaveTheWhales May 20, 2011 at 2:48 pm

Der Erlkoenig?

GOPCrusher May 20, 2011 at 3:13 pm

Jeremiah Johnson?

the_problem_child May 20, 2011 at 9:52 pm

Ted Stevens?

Too soon?

gullywompr May 20, 2011 at 10:10 pm

Not really, no.

prommie May 20, 2011 at 12:43 pm

There's a fire in her belly, for sure.

twoeightnine May 20, 2011 at 12:43 pm

She's going to have Track marks all over her body later tonight.

donner_froh May 20, 2011 at 12:43 pm

Sarah Palin as your mother-in-law. The mind reels. This young woman will be begging for a visit from merciful death before the "official" wedding.

NorthStarSpanx May 23, 2011 at 10:25 am

Considering at least one of her ex-brother-in-law's still licks her boots, it must not be all bad.

El Pinche May 20, 2011 at 12:43 pm

So when do they start pushing out tards and Palin start pretending to be the mom? …the Wasillan Circle of Life.

Barb May 20, 2011 at 12:44 pm

"The couple will have a larger wedding celebration this winter at Alaska’s Alyeska Ski Resort “ Terrific! Their child should be 3 months old by then and can be the ring bearer. *sniff* I love weddings.

genxr May 20, 2011 at 12:47 pm

This is good news for Wasilla, they'll be getting the Hanson brothers on their hockey team.

Gopherit May 20, 2011 at 12:48 pm

So, she's knocked up, right?

Radiotherapy May 20, 2011 at 12:48 pm

My advice to the young star-crossed couple: Hookworm Prophylaxis.

Oblios_Cap May 20, 2011 at 1:00 pm

Good advice!

Nothingisamiss May 20, 2011 at 3:21 pm

Oh, Radiotherapy, I love you!

Barb May 20, 2011 at 12:49 pm

Do you get the sense that next to their fireplace, where the cord wood is usually stacked, there is a pyramid of home pregnancy tests.

widestanceroman May 20, 2011 at 1:31 pm

next to the kindling-cash bucket.

anniegetyerfun May 20, 2011 at 12:49 pm

It's true. I'm trying hard to be nice today, because I haven't had enough to drink yet to really hate everyone as much as usual. I mean, she seems all wholesome-y and sort of like the Kate Middleton of Alaska (not a real compliment, I know).

Native_of_SL_UT May 20, 2011 at 12:49 pm

What's the over/under on them actually still being together when this winter honeymoon thing starts?

freakishlywrong May 20, 2011 at 12:51 pm

Has Sarah pimped them out for a reality show yet? "My Big Redneck Marriage" comes to mind.

freakishlywrong May 20, 2011 at 1:48 pm

"IceRoad Grifters"

El Pinche May 20, 2011 at 12:51 pm

tards = tikes

Fixed.

JustPixelz May 20, 2011 at 12:51 pm

I like it when people get married. It's just nice. And I'm glad they got married before everyone is disintegrated tomorrow at 6pm (2pm Alaska time zone).

Barb May 20, 2011 at 1:05 pm

Not trying to sound stupid here. Is there an actual time for the rapture? Did they name a time or is it vague?

JustPixelz May 20, 2011 at 1:24 pm

I read 6:00pm on the internet so it must be true.

ChessieNefercat May 20, 2011 at 1:25 pm

Wouldn't it have to be in sundial time?

SorosBot May 20, 2011 at 1:25 pm

6:00 PM, and apparently the Rapture knows about time zones and that wacky daylight savings time a few English-speaking countries use. According to the crazies we'll know by late tonight when it starts in New Zealand when the godly Kiwis get raptured and the rest of the country is destroyed by some bigass earthquake.

anniegetyerfun May 20, 2011 at 1:32 pm

Haha, Kiwis all pray to some crazy tattoo rugby god. They will be Left Behind like the rest of us.

riverside68 May 20, 2011 at 2:03 pm

How do we know that the rapture didn't start already? There wasn't anyone to pick up, except mabe some homeless people, and now we are all in the volcanos, lava, floods, war shit.

Lascauxcaveman May 20, 2011 at 1:40 pm

That means when the rapture turns out to be a no-show, they'll be divorced by Tuesday, if sober enough to get out of bed.

Doktor Zoom May 20, 2011 at 12:52 pm

It's a nice day to…start again.

Extemporanus May 20, 2011 at 1:25 pm

Hey little sister…shotgun!

ganmerlad May 20, 2011 at 2:45 pm

Hey little sister…what have you done?!

SorosBot May 20, 2011 at 3:01 pm

Got knocked up, danced badly on a reality TV show, made lots of money without really having a job, and got plastic surgery to get a giant ugly chin.

philpjfry May 20, 2011 at 12:52 pm

Abandon all hope ye who enter here

Mumbletypeg May 20, 2011 at 12:54 pm

To be fair, the newlyweds aren't doing anything other straight-laced couples aren't at this day and age: gettin' "honest" before God in time for Him to rapture them senseless.

It'd be a honeymoon worth writing home about, or beaming or tele-séancing, whichever as behooves a post-rapture benficiary.

EDit: Pixelz! Quit playing Gog to my Magog.

Native_of_SL_UT May 20, 2011 at 12:55 pm

I hope we get one of those commemorative issues of Time and People like we did for that other royal wedding last month.

BTWBFDIMHO May 20, 2011 at 12:55 pm

Britta likes Track Nutz.

SexySmurf May 20, 2011 at 12:57 pm

Gay dudes in Texas?

DustBowlBlues May 20, 2011 at 12:57 pm

Track? Track Palin? Track, Palin!

Who the fuck gives their kid a name that sounds like a command Sgt. Preston of the Yukon would give King?

V572..whatever May 20, 2011 at 1:33 pm

"On King! On you huskies!" Oh wait, retro day is over. And my age is showing, and I hear Reznicek's "Donna Diana" overture in my ears.

Chillwaver May 20, 2011 at 12:57 pm

“These are two hard working, humble, active, studious young adults who grew up together."
Good God…I hope she is at least a second cousin! That family cannot afford any more r*tards.

Oblios_Cap May 20, 2011 at 12:59 pm

“As much as we wish death upon the United States, we stand together with and pray for the grieving people of America, who have lost an innocent woman to the Palin family at a tragic young age. May God be with you in your hour of need before He smites you.”

From reading the news, I can only believe that the smiting has already occured.

Repeatedly.

Biel_ze_Bubba May 21, 2011 at 2:48 am

That was God, dope-slapping the red states.

Slim_Pickins May 20, 2011 at 12:59 pm

She's young enough to be Arnold's daughter.

fartknocker May 20, 2011 at 1:00 pm

I see the little yellow bus of downfisters has entered our playground….

Barb May 20, 2011 at 1:07 pm

That means that track didn't cut the brake lines on his bus too. Screw 'em.

GOPCrusher May 20, 2011 at 3:18 pm

I hope their caregivers have told them not to lick the windows. You never know where they have been.

Biel_ze_Bubba May 21, 2011 at 2:49 am

They're called "short buses" in my neck of the woods.

zhubajie May 20, 2011 at 1:03 pm

No one's mentioned The Rapture yet! Happy non-Rapture!

flamingpdog May 20, 2011 at 1:35 pm

Too soon!

gef05 May 20, 2011 at 1:45 pm

Depends where he is. It's already Rapture Day in some parts of the world.

In Oz it's close to 4am, and the headlines read things like "Football Team Defeats Other Football Team." So the prediction aint looking so grand, thus far.

Ken Layne May 20, 2011 at 2:02 pm

If the world is flat — and St. Thomas of Friedman said it is! — the Rapture will happen at the same time, worldwide/worldflat, at 6 p.m. Saturday.

gef05 May 20, 2011 at 2:25 pm

So when he says May 21 he means May 21 @ 6pm *or* May 22 @ 8am/7am/6am etc etc depending on where you are in the world. I do wish he'd made that clear up front.

Thank you internet person.

dyedwool May 20, 2011 at 1:03 pm

Is this because it would have been a tougher sell for Sarah to be pregnant for Track?

fuflans May 20, 2011 at 1:04 pm

Arctic’s largest grifting operation corporation.

/fixed.

Worthly[♬♪♬♪♫♪♬]Skum May 20, 2011 at 1:05 pm

Hmmm, doesn't look preggers. Is it possible the Palin klan will now include someone with a knowledge of birth control? She'll be fucking Dr. Livingston, spreading the good word amougst the savages.

flamingpdog May 20, 2011 at 1:36 pm

Fucking Dr. Livingston? Sorry, they don't allow Necros in the Palin household.

lochnessmonster May 20, 2011 at 5:30 pm

Doesn't look preggers…yet!

OneYieldRegular May 20, 2011 at 1:07 pm

Wait – her father is Duane Hanson??

Track had better check carefully under the covers to make sure she's real.
http://www.designboom.com/eng/funclub/duanehanson

SpurningBeer May 20, 2011 at 1:20 pm

Oh man, I went to an exhibition of Duane Hanson's work a couple of years ago, and was blown away. Those constructions had souls, I tell you, and I started having a compassion attack right there in the gallery.

The art of the Palin syndicate goes in the opposite direction, I fear. Human beings get transformed into inanimate objects. Like the famous DIY book, "How to Make Orange Crates out of Fine Furniture."

owhatever May 20, 2011 at 1:07 pm

This addition of still another Palin may be what will tip the God into destroying the world tomorrow. Enough's enough, awreddy.

Extemporanus May 20, 2011 at 1:11 pm

Moo moo, baby, motherfuckin’ cow on the Track!

Troubledog May 20, 2011 at 1:12 pm

I LOVE the Hansons! Eddie Shore! Old time hockey!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LJkHm2WtSsk

tessiee May 20, 2011 at 2:20 pm

"They brought their fucking TOYS!!"

SheriffRoscoe May 20, 2011 at 1:12 pm

And Track Palin is now officially off the market. Teabaggers daughters all across the nation weep bitter tears.

vacuumslayer May 20, 2011 at 1:17 pm

I hear Trail Palin is still available. And there's always Trig!

Biel_ze_Bubba May 21, 2011 at 2:52 am

Republican hubbies are never "off the market". "Off the books", maybe.

horsedreamer_1 May 20, 2011 at 1:13 pm

Gays?

GeneralLerong May 20, 2011 at 1:14 pm

If you want to keep your family out of the media spotlight, the very first thing you do is sign a contract with People Magazine, of course.

Privacy or money? Easy choice if you're a Palin.

Sophist[Kochblocker] May 20, 2011 at 1:15 pm

Maybe Obama can send SEAL team 6 to extract her. Or shoot her, whatever's more humane.

undeterredbyreality May 20, 2011 at 1:16 pm

She looks like a younger version of Calista Gingrich/Cindy McCain, but that's impossible, 'cuz she's not a second/third/fourth wife/former mistress and Track's not running for president. OR IS HE????

mookwrthwilson May 20, 2011 at 1:16 pm

Lower 48 huh? I guess it's just natural that anyone from Hawaii is excluded…that's where terrorist, socialist muslins come from.

horsedreamer_1 May 20, 2011 at 1:17 pm

Track didn't sell the rights to his wedding photography?

How bizarre.

vacuumslayer May 20, 2011 at 1:17 pm

So "family" is the word we use for "horror show" now?

gef05 May 20, 2011 at 1:47 pm

"Now"?

Biel_ze_Bubba May 21, 2011 at 2:53 am

That might explain what the GOP means by "family values".

widestanceroman May 20, 2011 at 1:17 pm

I see everyone's dressed to kill for the Tailgate Reception, and I do mean kill, because in that family, no one eats until something dies.

vacuumslayer May 20, 2011 at 1:18 pm

Did the 'copter wolf shootin' happen before or after the reception?

mrpuma2u May 20, 2011 at 1:58 pm

I heard they served moose nutz appetizers. Well that's what I heard.

tessiee May 20, 2011 at 2:21 pm

During the ceremony. It's what they do instead of breaking a glass.

widestanceroman May 20, 2011 at 1:22 pm

Bloody sheet flag by dawn or it's a sham.

q_tion_evrythng May 20, 2011 at 1:23 pm

Hope their marriage works. Sure would be hell having at least one narcissistic sociopath in your life. My sympathy to the groom, but especially to his bride.

SorosBot May 20, 2011 at 1:46 pm

At least two, you're forgetting his oldest sister.

tessiee May 20, 2011 at 2:23 pm

"Sure would be hell having at least one narcissistic sociopath in your life. Sure would be hell having at least one narcissistic sociopath in your life."

I'd say you're lucky and an exception to the rule if you've ONLY got one, but maybe that's just me.

Poindexter718 May 20, 2011 at 1:24 pm

Wasilla Snowbilly's first reaction: "Gosh darn it, Track, I don't care if she's carrying your child. No son of mine is gonna marry a damned Lutheran!
https://sites.google.com/a/goodshepluth.org/good-

SpurningBeer May 20, 2011 at 1:28 pm

Michele Bachmann is a Lutheran, dude. They come in a range of models, from gay-clergy-accepting to full-out antisemitic.

Poindexter718 May 20, 2011 at 1:32 pm

Clearly you weren't born again yesterday, BS: That hippie Lutheran shit might fly in Minnesota, but we got no time for it in Wasilla.

SorosBot May 20, 2011 at 1:44 pm

The Snowbilly belongs to the Assemblies of God, which is a completely insane fundamentalist cult.

DashboardBuddha May 20, 2011 at 2:01 pm

I used to belong to the Disassembly of God.

SpurningBeer May 20, 2011 at 2:06 pm

Okay, I see that Pastor Hanson's flock belong to the hippie wing of Lake Wobegon Lutherans, not to the pro-life anti-gay rigor-mortis Wisconsin Synod of Rep. Bachman.

This should be interesting indeed.

Poindexter718 May 20, 2011 at 2:12 pm

Indeed.
(and I meant to call you SB and not BS above; wuz thinking of the band and not your clever riff on the band)

horsedreamer_1 May 20, 2011 at 2:14 pm

Alas, while the mascot of the Wisconsin Lutheran College is the Warrior, they do not intro their sporting events with dialogue from the Warriors.

GOPCrusher May 20, 2011 at 3:29 pm

A preacher's daughter? She's a slut.

flamingpdog May 20, 2011 at 1:25 pm

Gay Masons?

MrFizzy May 20, 2011 at 1:25 pm

So what's the bride's first name, "Road"?

gef05 May 20, 2011 at 1:48 pm

"Marks".

smitallica May 20, 2011 at 1:26 pm

I heard they threw bird seed. FROM A HELICOPTER!!

BAMM!!!

Barb May 20, 2011 at 1:29 pm

I heard they threw puffed rice, natch.

tessiee May 20, 2011 at 2:26 pm

Puffed bride, unless I'm mistaken.

anniegetyerfun May 20, 2011 at 1:29 pm

I just figured he was Bristol's first oopsie.

mariser May 20, 2011 at 1:30 pm

I can't enlarge the pic, but are Todd, Track, and the father-of-the-bride wearing …boutonnieres? carnation boutonnieres? with jeans?

oh, my

anniegetyerfun May 20, 2011 at 1:31 pm

"High-powered rifle from a helicopter" wedding has a nice ring to it.

Negropolis May 21, 2011 at 1:04 am

WIN

Annie get yer fun, indeed.

Thurman Munster IV May 20, 2011 at 1:31 pm

Where did she and Track meet? Yes, that's a low hurdle.

teebob2000 May 20, 2011 at 1:32 pm

Pastor's daughter! Pffft! She SOOOOO puts out.

GOPCrusher May 20, 2011 at 3:31 pm

Track is probably the last man, animal, plant that she's did the horizontal mombo with in the Matanuska Valley. And parking lot of the Anchorage Super Wal-Mart.

Bonzos_Bed_Time May 20, 2011 at 1:33 pm

William Wallace in Braveheart.

anniegetyerfun May 20, 2011 at 1:33 pm

You know, I don't meant to snark about people gettin' knocked up and then married. Most of my friends got married for that reason. Of course, I grew up in the Wasilla of Washington (no, not Yakima, but close enough).

Negropolis May 21, 2011 at 1:32 am

I hever quite understood the reasoning behind it, at least not these days. I guess a marriage use to lock in the dad, and make it particularly prohibitive for him to leave, but it's not that hard, anymore. And, while it definitely helps to raise a child with two incomes, I'm not sure it's ultimately better for a child where either one of, or both of the spouses, feel like captives. I've seen this kind of situation before, and kids can feel when one or both of the spouses resent the other one for trapping them. Some of the most messed up kids I've known have come from two-parent households where the parents stuck out a miserable marriage 20-30 years and used their children within their homes as pawns against the other spouse.

Sorry about the lack of snark, but marrying for children is fraught with all kinds of problems.

Pragmatist2 May 20, 2011 at 1:36 pm

They were not going to get married. But then Sarah announced that she was running for President and this was just not a good time to fake a pregnancy again.

SilverTsunami May 20, 2011 at 1:43 pm

I went to the People link and I love all the exclamation marks. If you use enough of them, it really! looks like news!!!

poorgradstudent May 20, 2011 at 1:45 pm

We joke now, but wait until her parents commit ritual suicide.

Beowoof May 20, 2011 at 1:47 pm

I do believe when you sell your soul to the devil you always get a bad deal. And thus more proof. Bedazzled anyone.

Lascauxcaveman May 20, 2011 at 1:48 pm

Would it help if we speculated he did the vandalism while high on meth? It's entirely plausible.

catchtheflava May 20, 2011 at 2:18 pm

Just add a twist about it being revenge for blood libel, and I think we've got something viral!

Negropolis May 21, 2011 at 1:02 am

It'd be irresponsible not to speculate! You know, like how Glenn Beck raped and murdered that girl back in the 90's.

tessiee May 20, 2011 at 1:49 pm

Where's the long form marriage certificate?

Rosie_Scenario May 20, 2011 at 1:51 pm

Alaska semi-formal. Jeans, but no parkas.

riverside68 May 20, 2011 at 1:53 pm

priests?

fartknocker May 20, 2011 at 1:53 pm

I wonder if he has a secret Facebook account like his mom. I bet his alternate internet name is Track Lou Sarah – that's very original and no one will ever figure that out.

DashboardBuddha May 20, 2011 at 1:59 pm

His publicist told him to lay low for a while.

rocktonsam May 20, 2011 at 2:06 pm

Damn ladies, thunder thighs much?

WunkRocker May 20, 2011 at 2:07 pm

Damn, if they don't name their "premature" baby due in 6 months "Trig II" what the fa%uck can they call it? All the truly fucked up names are already claimed by Team Palin, excepting Brita. And well. SHAZAM! It has to be "Trig II" or "Also Trig."

bordo2 May 20, 2011 at 2:09 pm

Nah, the baby will be named Truck if it's a boy and SUV if it's a girl.

Badonkadonkette May 20, 2011 at 2:12 pm

Why are some comments disappearing off this thread? Are they being raptured?

SudsMcKenzie May 20, 2011 at 2:18 pm

Its Happening!11, … dibs on my neighbors house, and probably their wife, I dont think she's goin anywhere.

Gnatsum May 20, 2011 at 2:17 pm

It has to start with Tr and be something found in the Palins' yard so Truck if it's a boy and Trash if it's a girl. I can hardly wait.

tessiee May 20, 2011 at 2:27 pm

Trump

GOPCrusher May 20, 2011 at 3:34 pm

Trans-Am.

Biel_ze_Bubba May 21, 2011 at 2:59 am

Trike.

Sassomatic May 20, 2011 at 2:20 pm

Shotgun wedding perhaps? Well, I'm sure shotguns were involved somehow.

DahBoner May 20, 2011 at 2:30 pm

"Oh, winter, when Alaska is at its most frigid and the Sun appears in the sky for approximately three minutes a day!"

But, isn't it funny that in the Artic, people are dressed like it was a chilly spring day in, oh say…Los Angeles?

I'm guessing that background is fake and the Snowbilly Grifter wedding was at the Sherman Oaks La Quinta Inn

Monsieur_Grumpe May 20, 2011 at 2:31 pm

It's probably Arnold's kid.

DahBoner May 20, 2011 at 2:35 pm

Yeah, that's Todd up there in the helicopter covering 'em with a shotgun, while Sarah gets her face innit…

BarackMyWorld May 20, 2011 at 2:36 pm

Nice too see jeans are considered formal wear in Alaska.

natl_indecency_cmdr May 20, 2011 at 2:43 pm

every girl grows up dreaming of getting married in her "nice jeans" and white blazer. jesus fucking christ is this their wedding photo? is this what they got married in? i know these were a bunch of classless fucks but holy shit! you don't get married in your goddamn "nice sweater" that you wear when grandma's coming over for thanksgiving dinner! for fuck's sake you get married in your thrift store grey suit w/tails and a pair of doc's like i fucking did! fuckin bunch of fuckin hicks.

mavenmaven May 20, 2011 at 3:13 pm

Its what they were all wearing when the doctor confirmed the pregnancy test.

GOPCrusher May 20, 2011 at 3:35 pm

To be fair, Tawd did at least put on a new Arctic Cat hat.

GOPCrusher May 20, 2011 at 3:47 pm

YAY! I'm being downfisted by spanky2b!

GOPCrusher May 20, 2011 at 3:01 pm

Track: My Mom is going to be the President Of The United States!
Young Wasilla Airhead: Oh, OK.

GOPCrusher May 20, 2011 at 3:10 pm

Greg Marmalard and Chip Diller?

GOPCrusher May 20, 2011 at 3:16 pm

* wipes tear from eye * That was just beautiful.

Buckminster May 20, 2011 at 3:37 pm

Knowing the Alaska mentality, there's a good chance that the groom will be wearing a backwards ball cap in the wedding photos. I kid you not.

BZ1 May 20, 2011 at 3:48 pm

Tell-all exposé coming up, in 3-2-1…

SenileAgitation May 20, 2011 at 3:53 pm

I'm disappointed the couple wasn't described as devout.

fuflans May 20, 2011 at 4:12 pm

figures. the kid who goes all mainstream normal and gets all straight married in the family values family doesn't get rewarded like the unmarried teenage mom.

USA! USA!! USA!!!

lochnessmonster May 20, 2011 at 5:29 pm

First thought like many others…we got to make sure the baby is not born out of wedlock. If they can wait for the party, why didn't hey wait for the wedding.

tessiee May 20, 2011 at 6:27 pm

And I thought MY (thankfully now ex) mother-in-law was a psycho hellbitch!

OldRedneck May 20, 2011 at 9:18 pm

Track IS NOT a Palin. After all, let's check out the young fellow:

– Graduated from high school without knocking up half the girls in his senior class.
– Enlisted in the Army, served a tour in Iraq, now in the reserves.
– Has a real job, working for a commercial fishing company.
– Not on Dancing with the Stupid People.
– Not shacked up in LA with two black guys.
– Not scamming his own non-profit.
– Not on the speaking circuit.
– Not "writing" a book.

He's definitely not a Palin. Must have been adopted.

chascates May 20, 2011 at 11:38 pm

Sarah & Todd eloped: Track born 8 months later. Bristol has baby sans marriage. Why don't we avoid the negativity of 'out-of-wedlock' and 'unwed mothers' and just have marriage as a civil and tax-related contract? No more church weddings unless you do it after the civil procedure, which will be the only one that legally matters.

No one should be indebted for the horrible cost of a full blown wedding and half the people will get divorced any way.

Biel_ze_Bubba May 21, 2011 at 3:05 am

All that family devalue stuff would not have happened if gays marriage had been banned in Alaska. I mean, more banned than it was.

Negropolis May 21, 2011 at 12:20 am

hard working, humble, active, studious young adults

Too. Many. Disparate. Adjectives.

Are they also "well-behaved, sporty, strong-willed, contented young adults" too?

Negropolis May 21, 2011 at 12:59 am

The couple will have a larger wedding celebration this winter…

Isn't that cute. They think the marriage is going to last until at least winter, bless their hearts.

BTW, "Alyeska" sounds awfully Musliny.

berkeleyfarm May 21, 2011 at 1:05 am

All snark asides, I wish them well. She seems like a genuinely nice girl – no running around on FB dropping "ur fat" and "ur gay" as insults. It's probably in large part to her and possibly parents' credit that Track appears to be trying to straighten out and fly right once out of his toxic family of origin. Having sister Britta around as a positive, loving role model is probably good for Piper as well. (She was also lil' Tripp's live-in babysitter.)

Wouldn't be surprised if she was knocked up, but maybe they got hitched for the insurance or married student housing.

Negropolis May 21, 2011 at 1:12 am

Padme Amidala & Anakin Skywalker?

Biel_ze_Bubba May 21, 2011 at 3:10 am

"She was also lil' Tripp's live-in babysitter."

Getting it on with the hired help, eh? The Ahnold is strong in this one.

berkeleyfarm May 21, 2011 at 2:56 pm

She was his GF before Bristol got knocked up (that time, anyway).

ttommyunger May 21, 2011 at 5:07 am

Who cares if she's knocked up? None of my business, anyway. Plus, only the second and later kids require nine months, the first one can come anytime. I wish them well.

PuglyDoRight May 21, 2011 at 8:20 am

Nobody in Alaska owns a tie? Or a real first name?

Lynne July 21, 2011 at 2:06 am

In Alaska, if a guy asks you out to dinner, his idea of dressing up is to put on a clean tee shirt and change his baseball cap. Guess you gotta be here….

Bonzos_Bed_Time May 20, 2011 at 1:34 pm

Golf clap.

riverside68 May 20, 2011 at 1:55 pm

Typical historian's response.

tessiee May 20, 2011 at 2:24 pm

*clinking bottles together*
Palins, come out to play-ay!

Chet Kincaid May 20, 2011 at 2:41 pm

Awesome.

DashboardBuddha May 20, 2011 at 2:43 pm

yeah, it was a great church there for a while, but the finances were fubar'd and then it just fell apart.

Bonzos_Bed_Time May 20, 2011 at 3:36 pm

These are simple people, salt of the earth types… you're right "Corinthian Leather"

DashboardBuddha May 20, 2011 at 3:49 pm

What about Volare?

the_problem_child May 20, 2011 at 9:46 pm

Save the Nauga! Say no to naugahyde!!

Bonzos_Bed_Time May 20, 2011 at 3:59 pm

What do the for-ners have to do with this?

Nothingisamiss May 20, 2011 at 4:48 pm

Oh my dog. Both excellent choices. I feel stained.

SpurningBeer May 20, 2011 at 5:32 pm

I didn't know if you were thinking of Burning Spear or his daughter Britney.

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