like losing the vietnam war twice

World’s Most Unfortunate Young Woman Joins Palin Family

Oh God, what if this quick wedding means SHE'S pregnant? Ahhh! Get out while you still can!In Alaska, tragedy has struck: Sarah Palin’s son Track (who is a person, not a Hot Wheels play set), married a young woman, officially making her a Palin and a part of the Arctic’s largest grifting operation. Around the world, people now grieve for her, as this is pretty much the worst thing that can happen to a person. Will she be forced to talk about how much she loves guns and, paradoxically, “life” on a reality teevee show? Will she be forced to get a new chin? Probably. Osama bin Laden’s widows had this to say in a joint statement: “As much as we wish death upon the United States, we stand together with and pray for the grieving people of America, who have lost an innocent woman to the Palin family at a tragic young age. May God be with you in your hour of need before He smites you.”

“Our families couldn’t be happier!” the Hansons and Palins tell PEOPLE in a joint statement. “These are two hard working, humble, active, studious young adults who grew up together. We’re tickled that after two decades of friendship we proudly witnessed their marriage, knowing their new life together will be blessed.”

YOU MONSTERS. LET HER GO! Nobody should be subjected to such inhuman torture!

The couple will have a larger wedding celebration this winter at Alaska’s Alyeska Ski Resort “when extended family and friends from the Lower 48 can travel north for a long ski weekend,” says the statement from Sarah and Todd Palin and the Rev. Duane and Elizabeth Hanson.

Oh, winter, when Alaska is at its most frigid and the Sun appears in the sky for approximately three minutes a day! Yes, that sounds like a romantic and fun vacation destination. They can just put on skis to pretend they are not in an utterly depressing wasteland filled with idiots. [People]

About the author

Jack Stuef is your loyal editor and a freelance satirist or something like that. He is a contributing writer for The Onion. E-mail him or whatever.

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  1. Barb

    What, the groom isn't wearing camouflage? He's wearing jeans! was the reception held at the Wasilla Casa Kielbasa?

    1. anniegetyerfun

      Incidentally, "Welcome to the Wasilla Casa Kielbasa" is what Track said the first time they had sex.

    2. Terry

      I bet you that when they do hold the big family hootenanny at the Alyeska ski resort that the blushing bride will be suspiciously wearing an empire waist dress.

    3. FannyBurney

      Give Palin some credit. At least she didn't sell the wedding night pix to People magazine.

  2. catchtheflava

    Didn't Track join the Army because of something to do with meth? "Got a letter in the mail/Said go to war or go to jail…"

      1. teebob2000

        We should all start saying it was meth anyhow.

        And what the fuck kinda anonymous internet poster ARE you?? You cloud the issue with facts?? GTFO. LOL.

        1. tessiee

          "We should all start saying it was meth anyhow. "

          Considering the way they bitch and moan when anybody *accurately* reports anything about that family, we might as well make up an entertaining lie. The whining will be the same either way.

    1. SorosBot

      It's an old story; he got in a little hometown jam, so the put a rifle in his hand, sent him off to a foreign land, to go and kill the yellow Muslim man.

    1. PsycWench

      We recognize the familiar flowerst-over-the-belly maneuver, a favorite of wedding photographers.

    2. CapeClod

      In Alaska I don't think you're allowed to get married until you get your first sonogram.

    3. SorosBot

      They're 22 and 21, way too young to get married; so probably knocked up, although they could just be really stupid.

    4. ganmerlad

      Due to the obvious solemnity and depth of the occasion as evidenced by the wedding party all wearing "going to the grocery store" clothes, I vote preggers as well.

    5. FakaktaSouth

      I'm agreeing here also, based on the "gonna have another weddin' when the folks from the lower 48 can come, in about 7 months, the winter, or whenever she loses the baby fat."

  3. SorosBot

    Wait – she's part of the Hansons? It sounds like she's already used to being part of an untalented family of famewhores. And I knew that at least one of them was really a girl.

        1. DahBoner

          The betting pool needs to be multi-dimensional, so we can also bet on which inbreeding genetic mutation is expressed in the offspring..

    1. widestanceroman

      I have a friend who heard a rumor that she IS Bristol, but the lamestream media won't go near that story.

    1. jus_wonderin

      Probably so, but that would not conform to a "where it was conceived" naming convention. My bets are on Tool Shed.

          1. Bonzos_Bed_Time

            These are simple people, salt of the earth types… you're right "Corinthian Leather"

      1. Worthly[♬♪♬♪♫♪♬]Skum

        "where it was conceived" naming convention

        Track: plausible
        Bristol: plausible
        Willow: plausible, kinda nice actually
        Piper: what, they went to Highland Games?
        Trig: implausible, Sarah has never been in a math class

        1. Lascauxcaveman

          Also, Bristol Bay AK, is an actual place and contains the thriving metropoli of Dillingham, King Salmon, and Naknek. Each of them entirely conceivable, as it were.

          But I don't think even a snowbilliy would name her daughter Dillingham. A son, maybe. And next to 'Nakneck' the name 'Bristol' sounds almost normal.

          1. Jerri

            I refuse to believe naming a boy "King Salmon Palin" never crossed Sarah's megalomaniacal, albeit pea-sized, mind.

        2. tessiee

          "Trig: implausible, Sarah has never been in a math class "

          No woman with the most basic grasp of math would have that many kids.

          We know that Silly Sarah named Trig after his chromosomal abnormality, but saying so is a terrible, terrible thing that will cause an indignant outcry (although doing so in the first place is apparently somehow OK). See also my other comment about how accurate observations produce screeching hysteria from Lou Sarah and her minions.

        3. ganmerlad

          Trig has to stand for 'Todd's Rig'. Probably happened from a nooner in the supply closet while she was visiting him in the oil field. Although, come to think of it, if it happened in the summer when he does his fishing job, it may stand for 'Trawler rigging'. (though then they would have just named him Trawl).

        4. OneDollarJuana

          "Trig" is an old euphemism for men's underwear. I used to see it in 1950' New Yorker magazines.

          1. Nothingisamiss

            Interesting, but I don't recall New Yorker being one of her favorite magazines when Katie asked the question.

        5. DahBoner

          Trigger was Roy Rodger's horse's name, the original, known on movie sets as "the Old Man".

          So, it could just be some random "Old Man" who screwed her in a Wasilla Meth house.

          Also, the original Trigger was born in 1934 on a ranch in San Diego.

          So, it could also have happened just across the border in TJ at a "Donkey show".

          By the way, the San Diego ranch was partly owned by Bing Crosby.

          So, it could have been Bing Crosby's corpse, also to…

      2. Gomez571

        The claim is that Track was named for the season in which he was born, so my money is on "Christmas" if its a girl or "Football" if its a boy

    2. Doktor Zoom

      Duh. The kid will be "Halftrack." You know, for the troops.

      And for Beetle Bailey, whose service was at least as honorable as Track's.

  4. MittsHairHelmet

    Following the ceremony, a small reception was held at the local Applebee's. Mozzarella sticks and Potato Skins were served.

  5. memzilla

    This means that drilling is going on in ANWR, the Alaskan Natural Wackadoodle Reserve.

  6. loulouroo

    Do the Palins get married in secret ceremonies set up by their parents in shady deals years in advance, as children, like other grifters? Such as the Irish Travelers? Just wonderin'.

  7. anniegetyerfun

    Actually, Ithey seem like OK kids, right? He's going to go to college, she's a nursing student. Neither of them goes on camera and babbles incoherently about how great Sarah is… maybe they are human after all? Like, he could be adopted.

    They got married without any great fanfare, though, so either she is preggers or they just have no patience for pomp and circumstance.

    1. V572..whatever

      Plus he's an Army Reservist, been to the Sandbox once or twice. Glammordammerung and I have been debating about whether that makes him an odious mercenary or a heroic public servant, or somewhere in between.

      1. Lascauxcaveman

        It makes him a guy who joined the army to avoid going to jail. So maybe there's some hope for him, in a traditional bad-boy-gets-reformed kinda way.

    2. Negropolis

      People seem to think Track is a decent dude because he was seen so little, and doesn't like the camera, but from everything I've read about his history, he's just as much a typical Palin as the rest of them, unfortunately.

  8. PsycWench

    “These are two hard working, humble, active, studious young adults who grew up together."
    Are we SURE that one of them is a born Palin?

      1. V572..whatever

        Ha ha! Claudine Longet salutes you! Andy Wms too, all the way from Branson!

        1. horsedreamer_1

          & when is that marriage going to take place? Hef isn't getting any younger, Crystal Harris.

          1. riverside68

            I could have gone with 'till death do us part'
            or that's one way to get a woody

  9. donner_froh

    Sarah Palin as your mother-in-law. The mind reels. This young woman will be begging for a visit from merciful death before the "official" wedding.

    1. NorthStarSpanx

      Considering at least one of her ex-brother-in-law's still licks her boots, it must not be all bad.

  10. El Pinche

    So when do they start pushing out tards and Palin start pretending to be the mom? …the Wasillan Circle of Life.

  11. Barb

    "The couple will have a larger wedding celebration this winter at Alaska’s Alyeska Ski Resort “ Terrific! Their child should be 3 months old by then and can be the ring bearer. *sniff* I love weddings.

  12. genxr

    This is good news for Wasilla, they'll be getting the Hanson brothers on their hockey team.

  13. Barb

    Do you get the sense that next to their fireplace, where the cord wood is usually stacked, there is a pyramid of home pregnancy tests.

  14. anniegetyerfun

    It's true. I'm trying hard to be nice today, because I haven't had enough to drink yet to really hate everyone as much as usual. I mean, she seems all wholesome-y and sort of like the Kate Middleton of Alaska (not a real compliment, I know).

  15. Native_of_SL_UT

    What's the over/under on them actually still being together when this winter honeymoon thing starts?

  16. freakishlywrong

    Has Sarah pimped them out for a reality show yet? "My Big Redneck Marriage" comes to mind.

  17. JustPixelz

    I like it when people get married. It's just nice. And I'm glad they got married before everyone is disintegrated tomorrow at 6pm (2pm Alaska time zone).

    1. Barb

      Not trying to sound stupid here. Is there an actual time for the rapture? Did they name a time or is it vague?

      1. SorosBot

        6:00 PM, and apparently the Rapture knows about time zones and that wacky daylight savings time a few English-speaking countries use. According to the crazies we'll know by late tonight when it starts in New Zealand when the godly Kiwis get raptured and the rest of the country is destroyed by some bigass earthquake.

        1. anniegetyerfun

          Haha, Kiwis all pray to some crazy tattoo rugby god. They will be Left Behind like the rest of us.

          1. riverside68

            How do we know that the rapture didn't start already? There wasn't anyone to pick up, except mabe some homeless people, and now we are all in the volcanos, lava, floods, war shit.

    2. Lascauxcaveman

      That means when the rapture turns out to be a no-show, they'll be divorced by Tuesday, if sober enough to get out of bed.

        1. SorosBot

          Got knocked up, danced badly on a reality TV show, made lots of money without really having a job, and got plastic surgery to get a giant ugly chin.

  18. Mumbletypeg

    To be fair, the newlyweds aren't doing anything other straight-laced couples aren't at this day and age: gettin' "honest" before God in time for Him to rapture them senseless.

    It'd be a honeymoon worth writing home about, or beaming or tele-séancing, whichever as behooves a post-rapture benficiary.

    EDit: Pixelz! Quit playing Gog to my Magog.

  19. Native_of_SL_UT

    I hope we get one of those commemorative issues of Time and People like we did for that other royal wedding last month.

  20. DustBowlBlues

    Track? Track Palin? Track, Palin!

    Who the fuck gives their kid a name that sounds like a command Sgt. Preston of the Yukon would give King?

    1. V572..whatever

      "On King! On you huskies!" Oh wait, retro day is over. And my age is showing, and I hear Reznicek's "Donna Diana" overture in my ears.

  21. Chillwaver

    “These are two hard working, humble, active, studious young adults who grew up together."
    Good God…I hope she is at least a second cousin! That family cannot afford any more r*tards.

  22. Oblios_Cap

    “As much as we wish death upon the United States, we stand together with and pray for the grieving people of America, who have lost an innocent woman to the Palin family at a tragic young age. May God be with you in your hour of need before He smites you.”

    From reading the news, I can only believe that the smiting has already occured.


    1. GOPCrusher

      I hope their caregivers have told them not to lick the windows. You never know where they have been.

      1. gef05

        Depends where he is. It's already Rapture Day in some parts of the world.

        In Oz it's close to 4am, and the headlines read things like "Football Team Defeats Other Football Team." So the prediction aint looking so grand, thus far.

        1. Ken Layne

          If the world is flat — and St. Thomas of Friedman said it is! — the Rapture will happen at the same time, worldwide/worldflat, at 6 p.m. Saturday.

          1. gef05

            So when he says May 21 he means May 21 @ 6pm *or* May 22 @ 8am/7am/6am etc etc depending on where you are in the world. I do wish he'd made that clear up front.

            Thank you internet person.

  23. dyedwool

    Is this because it would have been a tougher sell for Sarah to be pregnant for Track?

  24. Worthly[♬♪♬♪♫♪♬]Skum

    Hmmm, doesn't look preggers. Is it possible the Palin klan will now include someone with a knowledge of birth control? She'll be fucking Dr. Livingston, spreading the good word amougst the savages.

    1. flamingpdog

      Fucking Dr. Livingston? Sorry, they don't allow Necros in the Palin household.

    1. SpurningBeer

      Oh man, I went to an exhibition of Duane Hanson's work a couple of years ago, and was blown away. Those constructions had souls, I tell you, and I started having a compassion attack right there in the gallery.

      The art of the Palin syndicate goes in the opposite direction, I fear. Human beings get transformed into inanimate objects. Like the famous DIY book, "How to Make Orange Crates out of Fine Furniture."

  25. owhatever

    This addition of still another Palin may be what will tip the God into destroying the world tomorrow. Enough's enough, awreddy.

  26. SheriffRoscoe

    And Track Palin is now officially off the market. Teabaggers daughters all across the nation weep bitter tears.

  27. GeneralLerong

    If you want to keep your family out of the media spotlight, the very first thing you do is sign a contract with People Magazine, of course.

    Privacy or money? Easy choice if you're a Palin.

  28. Sophist[Kochblocker]

    Maybe Obama can send SEAL team 6 to extract her. Or shoot her, whatever's more humane.

  29. undeterredbyreality

    She looks like a younger version of Calista Gingrich/Cindy McCain, but that's impossible, 'cuz she's not a second/third/fourth wife/former mistress and Track's not running for president. OR IS HE????

  30. mookwrthwilson

    Lower 48 huh? I guess it's just natural that anyone from Hawaii is excluded…that's where terrorist, socialist muslins come from.

  31. widestanceroman

    I see everyone's dressed to kill for the Tailgate Reception, and I do mean kill, because in that family, no one eats until something dies.

  32. q_tion_evrythng

    Hope their marriage works. Sure would be hell having at least one narcissistic sociopath in your life. My sympathy to the groom, but especially to his bride.

    1. tessiee

      "Sure would be hell having at least one narcissistic sociopath in your life. Sure would be hell having at least one narcissistic sociopath in your life."

      I'd say you're lucky and an exception to the rule if you've ONLY got one, but maybe that's just me.

      1. Poindexter718

        Clearly you weren't born again yesterday, BS: That hippie Lutheran shit might fly in Minnesota, but we got no time for it in Wasilla.

        1. SorosBot

          The Snowbilly belongs to the Assemblies of God, which is a completely insane fundamentalist cult.

          1. DashboardBuddha

            yeah, it was a great church there for a while, but the finances were fubar'd and then it just fell apart.

        2. SpurningBeer

          Okay, I see that Pastor Hanson's flock belong to the hippie wing of Lake Wobegon Lutherans, not to the pro-life anti-gay rigor-mortis Wisconsin Synod of Rep. Bachman.

          This should be interesting indeed.

          1. Poindexter718

            (and I meant to call you SB and not BS above; wuz thinking of the band and not your clever riff on the band)

          2. horsedreamer_1

            Alas, while the mascot of the Wisconsin Lutheran College is the Warrior, they do not intro their sporting events with dialogue from the Warriors.

  33. mariser

    I can't enlarge the pic, but are Todd, Track, and the father-of-the-bride wearing …boutonnieres? carnation boutonnieres? with jeans?

    oh, my

    1. GOPCrusher

      Track is probably the last man, animal, plant that she's did the horizontal mombo with in the Matanuska Valley. And parking lot of the Anchorage Super Wal-Mart.

  34. anniegetyerfun

    You know, I don't meant to snark about people gettin' knocked up and then married. Most of my friends got married for that reason. Of course, I grew up in the Wasilla of Washington (no, not Yakima, but close enough).

    1. Negropolis

      I hever quite understood the reasoning behind it, at least not these days. I guess a marriage use to lock in the dad, and make it particularly prohibitive for him to leave, but it's not that hard, anymore. And, while it definitely helps to raise a child with two incomes, I'm not sure it's ultimately better for a child where either one of, or both of the spouses, feel like captives. I've seen this kind of situation before, and kids can feel when one or both of the spouses resent the other one for trapping them. Some of the most messed up kids I've known have come from two-parent households where the parents stuck out a miserable marriage 20-30 years and used their children within their homes as pawns against the other spouse.

      Sorry about the lack of snark, but marrying for children is fraught with all kinds of problems.

  35. Pragmatist2

    They were not going to get married. But then Sarah announced that she was running for President and this was just not a good time to fake a pregnancy again.

  36. SilverTsunami

    I went to the People link and I love all the exclamation marks. If you use enough of them, it really! looks like news!!!

  37. Beowoof

    I do believe when you sell your soul to the devil you always get a bad deal. And thus more proof. Bedazzled anyone.

  38. Lascauxcaveman

    Would it help if we speculated he did the vandalism while high on meth? It's entirely plausible.

    1. catchtheflava

      Just add a twist about it being revenge for blood libel, and I think we've got something viral!

    2. Negropolis

      It'd be irresponsible not to speculate! You know, like how Glenn Beck raped and murdered that girl back in the 90's.

  39. fartknocker

    I wonder if he has a secret Facebook account like his mom. I bet his alternate internet name is Track Lou Sarah – that's very original and no one will ever figure that out.

  40. WunkRocker

    Damn, if they don't name their "premature" baby due in 6 months "Trig II" what the fa%uck can they call it? All the truly fucked up names are already claimed by Team Palin, excepting Brita. And well. SHAZAM! It has to be "Trig II" or "Also Trig."

  41. Badonkadonkette

    Why are some comments disappearing off this thread? Are they being raptured?

    1. SudsMcKenzie

      Its Happening!11, … dibs on my neighbors house, and probably their wife, I dont think she's goin anywhere.

  42. Gnatsum

    It has to start with Tr and be something found in the Palins' yard so Truck if it's a boy and Trash if it's a girl. I can hardly wait.

  43. DahBoner

    "Oh, winter, when Alaska is at its most frigid and the Sun appears in the sky for approximately three minutes a day!"

    But, isn't it funny that in the Artic, people are dressed like it was a chilly spring day in, oh say…Los Angeles?

    I'm guessing that background is fake and the Snowbilly Grifter wedding was at the Sherman Oaks La Quinta Inn

  44. DahBoner

    Yeah, that's Todd up there in the helicopter covering 'em with a shotgun, while Sarah gets her face innit…

  45. natl_indecency_cmdr

    every girl grows up dreaming of getting married in her "nice jeans" and white blazer. jesus fucking christ is this their wedding photo? is this what they got married in? i know these were a bunch of classless fucks but holy shit! you don't get married in your goddamn "nice sweater" that you wear when grandma's coming over for thanksgiving dinner! for fuck's sake you get married in your thrift store grey suit w/tails and a pair of doc's like i fucking did! fuckin bunch of fuckin hicks.

  46. GOPCrusher

    Track: My Mom is going to be the President Of The United States!
    Young Wasilla Airhead: Oh, OK.

  47. Buckminster

    Knowing the Alaska mentality, there's a good chance that the groom will be wearing a backwards ball cap in the wedding photos. I kid you not.

  48. fuflans

    figures. the kid who goes all mainstream normal and gets all straight married in the family values family doesn't get rewarded like the unmarried teenage mom.

    USA! USA!! USA!!!

  49. lochnessmonster

    First thought like many others…we got to make sure the baby is not born out of wedlock. If they can wait for the party, why didn't hey wait for the wedding.

  50. OldRedneck

    Track IS NOT a Palin. After all, let's check out the young fellow:

    — Graduated from high school without knocking up half the girls in his senior class.
    — Enlisted in the Army, served a tour in Iraq, now in the reserves.
    — Has a real job, working for a commercial fishing company.
    — Not on Dancing with the Stupid People.
    — Not shacked up in LA with two black guys.
    — Not scamming his own non-profit.
    — Not on the speaking circuit.
    — Not "writing" a book.

    He's definitely not a Palin. Must have been adopted.

  51. chascates

    Sarah & Todd eloped: Track born 8 months later. Bristol has baby sans marriage. Why don't we avoid the negativity of 'out-of-wedlock' and 'unwed mothers' and just have marriage as a civil and tax-related contract? No more church weddings unless you do it after the civil procedure, which will be the only one that legally matters.

    No one should be indebted for the horrible cost of a full blown wedding and half the people will get divorced any way.

    1. Biel_ze_Bubba

      All that family devalue stuff would not have happened if gays marriage had been banned in Alaska. I mean, more banned than it was.

  52. Negropolis

    hard working, humble, active, studious young adults

    Too. Many. Disparate. Adjectives.

    Are they also "well-behaved, sporty, strong-willed, contented young adults" too?

  53. Negropolis

    The couple will have a larger wedding celebration this winter…

    Isn't that cute. They think the marriage is going to last until at least winter, bless their hearts.

    BTW, "Alyeska" sounds awfully Musliny.

  54. berkeleyfarm

    All snark asides, I wish them well. She seems like a genuinely nice girl – no running around on FB dropping "ur fat" and "ur gay" as insults. It's probably in large part to her and possibly parents' credit that Track appears to be trying to straighten out and fly right once out of his toxic family of origin. Having sister Britta around as a positive, loving role model is probably good for Piper as well. (She was also lil' Tripp's live-in babysitter.)

    Wouldn't be surprised if she was knocked up, but maybe they got hitched for the insurance or married student housing.

  55. Biel_ze_Bubba

    "She was also lil' Tripp's live-in babysitter."

    Getting it on with the hired help, eh? The Ahnold is strong in this one.

  56. ttommyunger

    Who cares if she's knocked up? None of my business, anyway. Plus, only the second and later kids require nine months, the first one can come anytime. I wish them well.

  57. Lynne

    In Alaska, if a guy asks you out to dinner, his idea of dressing up is to put on a clean tee shirt and change his baseball cap. Guess you gotta be here….

Comments are closed.