PIZZA PIZZA!  12:02 pm May 20, 2011

Pizza Man Herman Cain Now GOP’s Favorite Candidate

by Ken Layne

In your heart, you know he's a good candidate.Republicans are having a very hard time rallying around a potential or real candidate for 2012. They finally realized the following facts this year: Sarah Palin is a widely hated sleazeball crybaby, Donald Trump is an idiot racist crybaby, Mike Huckabee is a pleasantly dumb weekend cable host, that one Mexican governor somewhere is a dope fiend with the hippies, Rick Santorum continues to be stupid and corrupt even by wingnut standards, Michele Bachmann is utterly unknown within her own party and laughed at by the few who’ve heard her misspelled name, Newt Gingrich is still a detestable cretin, Mitt Romney is an anti-Christian Obamacare liberal freakazoid from Taxachusetts, and there’s still no evidence Tim Pawlenty exists. As in many lost-cause campaigns of the past, the Republicans have returned to their classic Hail Mary pass of the 21st Century: Is there some black guy around somewhere who says he’s Republican?

It is only in these doomed endeavors that the Republicans will turn to some fourth-tier GOP candidate who happens to have a bit more melanin — and almost always when the Democratic candidate also has darker skin than the majority population. It is a strange coincidence! And GOP candidates from Alan Keyes to Michael Steele — that’s all of them, actually — have repeatedly found themselves in the unlikely position of being a black candidate running against a black candidate in a majority white nation. America, what a country! (To be fair, and that is all we strive for, Steele was picked to run for a Maryland Senate seat in 2006 because Kweisi Mfume was running. But Mfume lost the Democratic primary, so Steele lost to Ben Cardin instead.)

Anyway, meet the next president of the United States, Herman “Godfather” Cain:

Cain, the CEO of Godfather’s Pizza, is usually talked about as something of a fringe candidate: likeable, but with little chance at actually winning the nomination. But in the first GOP primary debate earlier this month in Greenville, S.C., Cain performed very well, and a focus group conducted by Frank Luntz declared him the winner. His debate performance seems to have helped him immensely.

Cain jumped to the top of the pack in terms of electability, taking 13 percent of the vote in the tracking poll, compared to the mere 3 percent he got last time. That puts him right behind New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie — ever the favorite, even though he says he won’t run.

This is from the unreliable Washington hip-hop website DC Daily Caller, so it’s probably not true? Or maybe it is, who knows. The story goes on to say Mitt Romney is still the front-runner, but his poll numbers keep dropping the more Republicans realize he’s supposedly the front-runner.

 
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{ 146 comments }

Barb May 20, 2011 at 12:04 pm

Hooray, America will finally have the chance to vote in our first black POTUS!
Oopsie, first Black American born POTUS.

Not_So_Much May 20, 2011 at 12:09 pm

Wearz his birf serfticicate?!?!11!

PuckStopsHere May 20, 2011 at 12:11 pm

And I think he's 100% black. Not the watered-down, "Half-rican" kind.

Sophist[Kochblocker] May 20, 2011 at 12:13 pm

I dunno, I've heard rumors he was born in Sicily. I've been asking around, but nobody will tell me anything. Damn omertà.

Gopherit May 20, 2011 at 12:17 pm

The first REAL black POTUS. He's not beholden to the Mau Maus, and he makes a hell of a pizza. Did you know he's black?

jus_wonderin May 20, 2011 at 12:06 pm

But, but…he's black.

Rosie_Scenario May 20, 2011 at 12:30 pm

You know the old saying: "Once you go black, you never go back." Cain is our next prez, Q.E.D.

ganmerlad May 20, 2011 at 1:41 pm

And he isn't actually the candidate the R's will choose natch, so that doesn't *really* matter. Though, I can see a lot of Republicans cleaning their muskets, stocking up their cellars, and drafting declarations of war at the thought it will be a contest between two black men.

DahBoner May 20, 2011 at 2:55 pm

"But, but…he's black. "

That just means ya don't have to give him a tip. –The G.O.P.

ManchuCandidate May 20, 2011 at 12:06 pm

The lead hits your eye like a big pizza pie! That's Herman!

OneDollarJuana May 20, 2011 at 12:06 pm

Hey, Cain! I don't believe you really were a successful American corporate president. Where's the receipt for my pizza?

mumbly_joe May 20, 2011 at 2:08 pm

What are you talking about? He's totally a successful CEO who has turned Godfather's Pizza from a little-known national chain into a national chain that I still had never heard of until a couple of months ago.

I mean, seriously, can we just draft a list of national pizza chains that are better-known than Godfather's? I'm pretty sure it includes several names that have been defunct since the early 90's.

DahBoner May 20, 2011 at 2:57 pm

"I don't believe you really were a successful American corporate president."

Right after you pay $13.39 for a small pizza, he hands you a coupon for a large for $1.99…

nounverb911 May 20, 2011 at 12:07 pm

Herman Cain: America's Servant of the People.

Clancy_Pants May 20, 2011 at 12:08 pm

Needs a dumpy little toga wearing cartoon Italian caricature to say "Herman Herman" at the end of every TV appearance.

horsedreamer_1 May 20, 2011 at 12:11 pm

Keep him away from Sasha & Malia!

Clancy_Pants May 20, 2011 at 12:15 pm

Oops! Wrong shitty chain. Sorry Little Ceasars. Any politicians or right wing douchebags on your board? Dominoes, check. Godfather's, check.

mrbubb May 20, 2011 at 1:38 pm

For the win.

jus_wonderin May 20, 2011 at 12:09 pm

If this pizza mogul becomes our next President, how much do I tip him?

BeWoot May 20, 2011 at 2:42 pm

5% for a pick-up. 25% for home delivery. $100,000 for a Koch.

DahBoner May 20, 2011 at 2:58 pm

"how much do I tip him?"

Tip?

Plant your corn early next year, young feller…

PuckStopsHere May 20, 2011 at 12:10 pm

Srsly? They've got Tim "I wish I had an answer for that" Pawlenty and Sarah "I've got a fire in my belly or at least I think its fire because it at least hasn't kicked me yet" Palin in the fight and they are going with this fucking guy? It must be due to the long-established fact that the GOP in general and the Teabaggers in particular love them some black folk.

Barb May 20, 2011 at 12:12 pm

I'm still sad that Huckabee "doesn't have it in his heart" to run. I guess there just wasn't room in his heart with all that Lipitor and tufts of squirrel pelts in there.

Gopherit May 20, 2011 at 12:21 pm

honestly, I think Huck decided not to run because he has a dog in this Rapture race. Boy is he going to feel dumb on Sunday.

SorosBot May 20, 2011 at 12:31 pm

I figured he decided not to run because he'd have to give up his lucrative, easy Fox News job for at least a year or so.

Barb May 20, 2011 at 12:24 pm

Whoa Puck! I now understand "the fire in her belly" comment. Track Palin got married yesterday. Sarah is probably going to have to fake another pregnancy now to cover another grandchild. I don't know how she has time to Tweet with that clown car uterus of hers.

DemmeFatale May 20, 2011 at 4:01 pm

Bravo!
"Clown car uterus," indeed!

nounverb911 May 20, 2011 at 12:10 pm

Guarantees promises in 30 minutes or less.

OneDollarJuana May 20, 2011 at 2:18 pm

Guarantees *to break* promises in 30 minutes or less.

freakishlywrong May 20, 2011 at 12:10 pm

This guy makes Allen West look rational..Moslim; the new black.

metamarcisf May 20, 2011 at 12:11 pm

For posterity, this is the comment that got me banned from Breitbart once and for all:

All of us over here at Fox are excited over this ticket for 2012: Col. West and Breitbart: The Anus and Andy Show

jus_wonderin May 20, 2011 at 12:12 pm

The upside? You p-ness should start to rise.

memzilla May 20, 2011 at 12:34 pm

If I upfist you and your red p-ness shrinks, will that be a good thing or a bad thing?

DustBowlBlues May 20, 2011 at 1:16 pm

Welcome back to the pee race, meta.

BornInATrailer May 20, 2011 at 1:48 pm

Top quality.

DemmeFatale May 20, 2011 at 4:04 pm

Please allow the Wonketteers to enlarge your p-ness.

MozakiBlocks May 20, 2011 at 4:17 pm

You seem to have gone out in a blaze of glory. Well done, well done!

ttommyunger May 21, 2011 at 4:45 am

"The Anus and Andy Show." Great, but which is which? So confusing!

pinkocommi May 20, 2011 at 12:11 pm

Sorry, but I could never take a President named "Herman" seriously and neither should you.

flamingpdog May 21, 2011 at 6:01 pm

Dunno, a lot o' folks took that Hermann Goering feller pretty seriously. Mebbe it was the extra "n".

Not_So_Much May 20, 2011 at 12:11 pm

Pizza Pizza!

He should get Christie to share the ticket with him just to see how much shitty pizza the man can inhale until he goes all Mr. Creosote.

prommie May 20, 2011 at 12:21 pm

Chris Christie does not share. Anything. Ever.

riverside68 May 20, 2011 at 1:29 pm

I heard he will share everything you got, but not for long.

WhatTheHeck May 20, 2011 at 12:12 pm

The republicans have a better chance with the green Herman from the Munsters

Sophist[Kochblocker] May 20, 2011 at 12:12 pm

Clarence Thomas argues otherwise.

horsedreamer_1 May 20, 2011 at 12:13 pm

Also: you'll have to be more specific, when you say "Mexican governor from out west who's hanging with the hippies", since it could be Gary Johnson, but it could just as well be Brian Sandoval (as I don't know enough of his opinion on weed (though I do know Nevada has medicinal marijuana) to know if he is not also hanging with hippies).

comrad_darkness May 20, 2011 at 2:27 pm

I thought he meant Romney. (What? look up where his dad was born.)

mumbly_joe May 20, 2011 at 12:13 pm

Cain, the CEO of Godfather’s Pizza, is usually talked about as something of a fringe candidate: likeable, but with little chance at actually winning the nomination

The Daily Tucker does seem to have an odd definition of fringe candidate. "Likable, but unlikely to win the Republican nomination" describes the Republican slate's least-fringe contestants. Well, except for the "likable" part. They're still Republicans, after all.

I would have said that Herman Cain, former CEO of a fast-food-chain-subsidiary of Pilsbury and right-wing radio host, is a fringe candidate in that he espouses genuinely extreme views that would horrify anyone who isn't a full-on fascist, but because of this, is popular with right-wingers despite his race and thus likely to win the Republican nomination.

Lascauxcaveman May 20, 2011 at 12:32 pm

Seriously, "likeable"? Everything that comes out his mouth is the standard GOP line: Fuck the poors, more tax cuts for the wealthy.

nappyduggs May 20, 2011 at 12:13 pm

"His debate performance seems to have helped him immensely."
Great Caeser's ghost, I'll stay confused about how this society operates until the day I'm fertilizer. Anytime a black person–especially a black man–opens his mouth and anything other than the words "bitch", "ho", or possibly maybe some straight-up primate noises come out of it, the Old Guard is positively transfixed. Oh, Christ, don't let him swing a golf club around, because then everyone starts in to juicin' their panties! For better or for worse, this country could go a long way in admitting this "erudite Mandingo" fetish.

genxr May 20, 2011 at 12:21 pm

They were surprised that during the debate, not once did he say, "Hey M-Fer! Where's my M-Fing iced tea?"

Terry May 20, 2011 at 12:29 pm

He came across well in the debate because he was the only one on the stage who didn't either approve of legal drug use or seem certifiably insane…or both.

ttommyunger May 21, 2011 at 4:47 am

Nailed it, Nappy!

Ms Whatever May 23, 2011 at 12:26 am

Multiple upfists to you, Ms nappyduggs.

ThundercatHo May 20, 2011 at 12:14 pm

Everybody likes pizza! And don't give me any of that goat cheese, organic basil and arugula shit either. I want processed meat and lots of it. And for dessert? Fuckin' dessert pizza. Yeah. USA!

comrad_darkness May 20, 2011 at 2:25 pm

You've never had my specialty: hot smoked salmon, smoked trout, caramelized leek and goat cheese pizza. You know not of what you speak.

Geminisunmars May 20, 2011 at 3:28 pm

You had me at hot smoked

ThundercatHo May 20, 2011 at 6:40 pm

Pizza Elitist.

For reals that sounds delish. What's the sauce?

GuyClinch May 20, 2011 at 12:14 pm

Cain should make Christie his running (okay, puttering around) mate. I mean, without Christie's devout daily (hourly?) patronage, Godfather's Pizza would've never been at all successful

DashboardBuddha May 20, 2011 at 12:14 pm

I really hope the world doesn't end this weekend. I'm really going to enjoy watching the teapartiers heads explode from having to choose between two browns.

widestanceroman May 20, 2011 at 12:23 pm

Cain will surge in the polls once he denounces and rejects his blackness and apologizes for abolition.

riverside68 May 20, 2011 at 1:41 pm

He is going to have to apologize for the war of Northern Agression, and demand reparations-for the south!

DahBoner May 20, 2011 at 3:02 pm

And Cain will supersurge once he declares that he don't need to eat indoors at a lunch counter.

Outside, around back, squatting in the dirt in the alley, with a NASCAR hat on is good 'nuff for him…

nappyduggs May 20, 2011 at 12:29 pm

Right? They're only used to this kind of decision making as it applies to the toppings at the soft-serve bar down at the Golden Corral.

meufchelou May 20, 2011 at 12:16 pm

Everytime he campaigns he should just say this:

"In the Republican party, you're the boss. First, you choose from our thick, rich, original crust, our buttery, pan-style golden crust, or our light and crispy thin crust. Then you tell us what veggies and meats to pile on, and we'll take it from there and smother the whole thing with 100% real cheese for a pizza that's absolutely irresistible."

He's a shoo-in for the nomination.

genxr May 20, 2011 at 12:22 pm

If he teams up with Ron "Legalize It" Paul, I don't see how they can lose.

Callyson May 20, 2011 at 12:28 pm

Pot in every house and a pizza in every oven. Obama might have a challenge on his hands next year after all…

Lascauxcaveman May 20, 2011 at 12:35 pm

He'll have the vote of everyone who's never actually *had* a Godfather's pizza.

DustBowlBlues May 20, 2011 at 1:13 pm

"He's a shoo-in for the nomination."

Especially if he works a deal with Frito-Lay and and, for free, you get the choice of a big bucket of fritos or cheetos on the side.

Oblios_Cap May 20, 2011 at 12:18 pm

. That puts him right behind New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie — ever the favorite.

Having been reading the Jersey papers for the last week, I have to say Christie doesn't seem to the favorite even in his own state.

freakishlywrong May 20, 2011 at 12:25 pm

They have caught on to Fat Jesus, in NJ.

DustBowlBlues May 20, 2011 at 1:11 pm

Any dipping poll numbers to give us so we have a little cheer before the world ends?

Biel_ze_Bubba May 21, 2011 at 3:22 am

Being "right behind" Chris Christie sounds pretty unpleasant, if not outright dangerous.

PsycWench May 20, 2011 at 12:18 pm

Look for a cheesy campaign to come.

[redacted]hse May 20, 2011 at 2:30 pm

I was going to ask if you've been reading a lot of exams this week, but when I hit "Reply" it said I'm now following you. Sorry for any inconvenience, and don't turn around too quickly, please.

Terry May 20, 2011 at 12:23 pm

"To be fair, and that is all we strive for, Steele was picked to run for a Maryland Senate seat in 2006 because Kweisi Mfume was running. But Mfume lost the Democratic primary, so Steele lost to Ben Cardin instead."

I have a dream that my four little children will one day live in a nation where they will not be judged by the color of their skin but by the content of their character.

Boredw/Gravitas May 20, 2011 at 12:31 pm

Dream on, pink flower. My oldest daughter was born during the fall of the Berlin Wall, and I thought she would grow up in a world free of war. I'm still waiting.

Terry May 20, 2011 at 12:36 pm

Well, there hasn't been a war in Berlin since then now has there?

Terry May 20, 2011 at 12:24 pm

In Cain's defense, I have to say that it was refreshing to hear him say during the debate that he doesn't know a thing about governing. It's a condition common to Republicans but few actually admit it.

manythousands May 20, 2011 at 1:24 pm

Right. Why would I cop to wanting to infiltrate something I'm just trying to drown in a bathtub?

freakishlywrong May 20, 2011 at 12:26 pm

Has Brietbart or Beck accused him of being a racist yet?

DustBowlBlues May 20, 2011 at 1:08 pm

You, obviously, don't have a Master's Degree in Public Administration and an undergrad minor in political science, like some lovable old person I could mention.

Any astute observer of the American political system knows that only black Democrats can be racist.

proudgrampa May 20, 2011 at 12:26 pm

Too Black. Really.

nappyduggs May 20, 2011 at 12:26 pm

Geeeenius.

phlox✔ May 20, 2011 at 12:27 pm

This candidate arrived cold and doughy.
I want my money back.

alzronnie May 20, 2011 at 12:29 pm

His nickname in the black community is Tom.

SorosBot May 20, 2011 at 12:29 pm

Now we did actually have a black Republican challenge a white Democrat in Pennsylvania when former Steeler Lynn Swnn ran against the guaranteed-for-reelection Ed Rendell for Governor in 2006. But the white guy he challenged was Jewish, and he had no shot at winning anyway.

Terry May 20, 2011 at 12:30 pm

Lynn Swann could pretty much do anything he wants in the state of Pennsylvania. Let's be honest.

FNMA May 20, 2011 at 12:32 pm

Except be governor.
As a politician, he was a pretty decent wide receiver.
And the choice posed a difficult decision for voters in the middle of the state: Do they go with their racism or their anti-Semitism.

SorosBot May 20, 2011 at 12:43 pm

Except win an election. Besides, only people near Pittsburgh care about him, and there's a lot more of us in Pennsylvania's city that isn't a rusted post-industrial wasteland.

Oblios_Cap May 20, 2011 at 12:32 pm

"I'll vote for him. He's an the biggest asshole."

Fixed.

Chillwaver May 20, 2011 at 12:33 pm

Wingnuts love their candidates for all the wrong reasons. In Cain's case, he is a "fighter," "a self-made man," "a stage 4 cancer survivor." This is the same bullshit argument they used for McCain, except that in Walnutz' case, in addition to cancer, he crashed planes and was a POW.

baconzgood May 20, 2011 at 12:33 pm

The Republicans are thinking about running a black guy? Republicans are running against black. That's thier whole platform for 2012.

Vote Republican: cause if you don't (insert racial slur) will push you around and rape your sister.

DahBoner May 20, 2011 at 3:07 pm

"The Republicans are thinking about running a black guy? Republicans are running against black. That's thier whole platform for 2012. "

You don't understand.

When Cain comes out and says he doesn't support giving YOUR tax money to "niggers on welfare", it blows their minds…

JustPixelz May 20, 2011 at 12:34 pm

Cain doesn't have it wrapped up yet. Listen to "Frank Essary" wrote in the article's comments:

We need to listen to Mr.Cain a little more before we give him the presidency. I want to hear more out of him to make sure he UNDERSTANDS things instead of being like the communist Obama and just talks a good game

I'm not sure how "listening" will help if Cain only "talks a good game". But the important thing is The Daily Caller readers are ones who can "give him the presidency". I had a totally different idea about how democracy works. So let me be the first to say: I, for one, welcome our Daily Caller overlords.

SayItWithWookies May 20, 2011 at 12:35 pm

"…and a focus group conducted by Frank Luntz declared him the winner."

That's right up there with creation scientists finding human footprints inside dinosaur tracks. Really, I'm personally offended that I'm the one who's been taking shrooms for years and yet these mothefuckers are the ones through the looking glass. Go fight the Red Queen, assholes, and let the party of reality run things for a while.

Mumbletypeg May 20, 2011 at 1:26 pm

Haha, the Lewis Carroll reference ..I'd nearly posted lyrics to Steely Dan's "Mock Turtle", in response to the continual parade of "exploratory"-inclined public figures "joining the dance" that is the upcoming election circus.

But yeah. For their ilk, mind-altering substance as internally bred in a chemical combustion of denial, delusion and myopiates seems an ill-gotten fix for anyone embracing the fanciful — whether to escape reality or brazenly try to reconstruct it.

SheriffRoscoe May 20, 2011 at 12:39 pm

How dare he wear a moustache and ask for my vote.

Worthly[♬♪♬♪♫♪♬]Skum May 20, 2011 at 12:40 pm

I realize this is still a long shot, but the implications of a Cain/Obama race are pretty fun to think about. My guesses: Obama loses a third of the non-white vote to Cain, but Cain loses more whites that he gains non-whites, and loses in a 2-way race because lots of Repubs stay home. But if Ron Paul runs as a third party, he has "respectable" libertarian cover, but does well largely due to lots of scared whites. Enough to win? Possibly, given the way 3-way races mess up the winner-take-all electoral college system.

Anyone other guesses?

MistaEko May 20, 2011 at 12:57 pm

Cain and the inevitable Romney goes the way of Dean and Kerry. The base likes the guy because he has the most hate, the base will slowly realize that he's unhinged, the party selects the more statesmany type trying to channel his inner hater and failing. Base follows him specifically because they can't stand a socialist Democrat victory but can't sway independents.

Tea party doubles down in 2014 but finds nobody's home. Party either realigns or goes the way of the Whigs as the country becomes more hispanic. Third party/ies never take hold because of obvious disadvantages of vote splitting until system dramatically changes perhaps in decades.

/anal sex joke

Worthly[♬♪♬♪♫♪♬]Skum May 20, 2011 at 1:52 pm

Note to webmaster: the "/anal sex joke" automated template expansion facility is not working properly (see above).

Native_of_SL_UT May 20, 2011 at 12:43 pm

Republican vote decision process: "I'll vote for him. He's one of us. He's an asshole."

You forgot the important part.

DahBoner May 20, 2011 at 3:04 pm

"I'll vote for him. He's just as dumb and ignorant as me. He's one of us. He's an asshole."

Another important consideration…

padremickey May 20, 2011 at 7:19 pm

ASSSHOOOOLE! AND I VOTE!

Biel_ze_Bubba May 21, 2011 at 3:24 am

Oh, give us a break. No way is it that complicated.

chicken_thief May 20, 2011 at 12:52 pm

Christie says he "won't" run?! That fat mothefucker CAN'T run.

glamourdammerung May 20, 2011 at 1:02 pm

There is evidence Tim Pawlenty exists. It all just happens to be collapsed and at the bottom of the Mississippi River.

chicken_thief May 20, 2011 at 1:14 pm

That and the hoards* of sleeping fans left in his wake…

*hoards = a handful or so

sportshort May 20, 2011 at 1:02 pm

I can just see the campaign slogans now:

"Cain. Not McCain."

"Cain: A Black Who Won't Talk Back"

"Our N*gg*r's Better 'N Your N*gg*r"

"He's Going To Have A White Running Mate, So Shut The Fuck Up, You In-Bred Hillbillies"

DustBowlBlues May 20, 2011 at 1:04 pm

Anything is possible. Our mayor-elect is an ineligible black felon with gang tatts and the full support of the Evangelical community. Because of Jeebus and "he's such a nice guy." And this is rural OK.

For those of limited ability for critical thinking, "he's such a nice guy" is very persuasive.

Moonbat May 20, 2011 at 1:54 pm

You know who else was a nice guy?

AquaBuddha May 20, 2011 at 1:05 pm

"and a focus group conducted by Frank Luntz declared him the winner."

Wow, that means….nothing.

FNMA May 20, 2011 at 1:56 pm

I met Frank Luntz once. Still have nightmares about it.

Jerri May 20, 2011 at 2:25 pm

Every time I see the name Frank Luntz, I think people are talking about Lutz, the fictional character from 30 Rock.

This happens because I don't know who Frank Luntz is, and I think I like it better this way.

notreelyhelping May 20, 2011 at 1:05 pm

Not to risk seriousness, but even if Cain somehow won the nomination, come the fall election, some GOP voters would just stay home because, you know, they just won't vote for…One of Them. Ever. Anytime. So…go, go, go Herman Cain!

horsedreamer_1 May 20, 2011 at 1:06 pm

Right, he's at negative p-ness. It's like he's fuhing himself.

He needs to stop that.

Beowoof May 20, 2011 at 1:11 pm

If he sucks as much as a candidate as Godfather's Pizza, Obama is cruising to a reelection.

CountryClubJihadi May 20, 2011 at 1:16 pm

I can't get past his Billy Dee Williams Colt 45 mustache. Although, "Don't Let The Smooth Taste Fool You" could be a good campaign slogan. Maybe he should just change his first name to Sugar.

genxr May 20, 2011 at 1:20 pm

Mr McDowell '12!

Extemporanus May 20, 2011 at 1:22 pm

Full at last, full at last! Thank God almighty we are full at last!

*burrrpp!*

Smitros May 20, 2011 at 1:28 pm

This is a little like when Alan Keyes ran against Obama for the Illinois seat, though with rather less crazy.

Naked_Bunny May 20, 2011 at 1:34 pm

I look forward to right-wing trolls mocking liberals for "taking Cain seriously" once he is out of the race, apparently believing that liberals are responding to GOP pollsters and that making jokes is taking someone seriously.

teebob2000 May 20, 2011 at 1:40 pm

"The GOP nominee is near!"

KeepFnThatChicken May 20, 2011 at 1:43 pm

Do not give up on Sarah Palin yet. She will win. I will make it happen; by Heaven's Arc I swear it.

Then, she will be swiftly defeated by Barry, and she will shrivel and go the goddamn hell away.

mavenmaven May 20, 2011 at 3:24 pm

No, she will continue to argue that ACORN manipulated the polling machines, and conspiracy theorists will demand to see the long form recounts, etc, etc.

vulpes82 May 20, 2011 at 1:47 pm

Please. A couple of focus groups will say he's swell, and then the Republicans will go vote for who they always vote for: the white guy.

vulpes82 May 20, 2011 at 1:51 pm

The truth is that Republican women and closet-cases (i.e. 75% of the party) crave one thing and one thing only: long, thick, black cock. They want Mandingo to come ravish them, his chocolate skin glistening over taut muscles, powerful buttocks pumping, heavy scrotum swinging and slapping against their quivering, violated (but it feels so good!) white buttocks… Sorry, what was I saying?

Geminisunmars May 20, 2011 at 3:21 pm

If Cain can deliver that, I'll vote for him!

OneDollarJuana May 20, 2011 at 2:17 pm

What about Reince Priebus?

Geminisunmars May 20, 2011 at 3:22 pm

Don't go making up silly names, now. Politics is serious stuff, you know.

comrad_darkness May 20, 2011 at 2:18 pm

But can he crack a whip while quoting the bible? These authoritarian personalities need someone to tell them what's what, and soon. They are having a sad.

DahBoner May 20, 2011 at 2:51 pm

"that one Mexican governor somewhere is a dope fiend with the hippies,"

I imagine him sitting on a horse, unshaven, dirty and drunk on tequilla, shooting his guns in the air and yelling:

"Mota para todos!"

DustBowlBlues May 20, 2011 at 3:20 pm

An update on our black, convict, mayor-elect. . He had a letter from the election board saying he won and was sworn in–against state law. (But there's no city ordinance on the matter, his lawyer says–yeah, asshole con artists knows his way around a courtroom) The council has to decide whether to accept but, in the meantime, he's suing the city.

I want to know what church Cain attends. If he's a Baptist who sits on the front pew with his arm around his white wife, be afraid. Be very afraid. Combine that with being a nice guy and anything can happen. Especially when idiots don't stop to consider that when people get hooked into cons, they never look back and say of the con artist, "but he was such an asshole."

user-of-owls May 20, 2011 at 3:28 pm

I, for one, will withhold judgement until Cornel West weighs in.

BZ1 May 20, 2011 at 3:46 pm

Peggy Lee (obscure connection coming up): "Is that all there is"

simplyblue7 May 20, 2011 at 3:49 pm

in their defense, they heard Pizza and automatically go for him.

DemmeFatale May 20, 2011 at 4:20 pm

Hmmm… "stupid, hypocritical, and petty"…
Sounds about right.
Maybe they've found their perfect candidate.

comrad_darkness May 20, 2011 at 6:16 pm

Pizza is unAmerican Eyetalian, they better rename it Slathered Freedom Dough, quick!

sati_demise May 20, 2011 at 8:02 pm

Ah, the mark of Cain will never go over with teh fundie Xtians. nope, not even if they like his pizza.

OldWiseWizard May 20, 2011 at 9:27 pm

Oh I hope they run Cain! It doesn't matter if he has all the charisma of the abrasive dude at a Town Hall complaining about his neighbor having his Christmas lights still up in January.Nothing gives right wingers a bigger hard on than an "articulate" black dude barking out talking points. Every shitty conservative comic strip or hacky political thriller novel always has some black guy telling off some kooky liberal. The general public, on the other hand, will see Cain for what he is: a knock off Mac & Me to Obama's E.T..

Negropolis May 20, 2011 at 11:01 pm

He's clean, with an endearing and articulate Negro accent!

Seriously, though, this guy is Uncle Ruckus come to life. Hell, he even looks like him about the eyes.

mayor_quimby May 23, 2011 at 3:14 pm

Exactly, I can just seeing him on the campaign trail saying 'What a lovely group of beautiful white children, why would y'all let that one shiftless darkie boy into your lily-white class?'

ttommyunger May 21, 2011 at 4:56 am

He could never win against Obamer for the same reason Alan Keyes couldn't: neither of them can pass the fabled "Paper Bag" test. Too bad, the Xtian Right is already printing up the "Cain is Able" bumper stickers. Morans!

FreedomFan May 21, 2011 at 9:32 pm

Thanks cracker, for proving, once again, that it's the "progressives" who are and have always been the "racists", from slavery, the KKK, and jim crow to affirmative action.

bumfug May 21, 2011 at 9:39 pm

Don't you have a rapture to get to? Asshole.

NadePaulKuciGravMcKi May 23, 2011 at 12:41 pm

federal reserve insider

the hermanator
neocon ringer
pro bailouts
pro wars

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