Republicans are having a very hard time rallying around a potential or real candidate for 2012. They finally realized the following facts this year: Sarah Palin is a widely hated sleazeball crybaby, Donald Trump is an idiot racist crybaby, Mike Huckabee is a pleasantly dumb weekend cable host, that one Mexican governor somewhere is a dope fiend with the hippies, Rick Santorum continues to be stupid and corrupt even by wingnut standards, Michele Bachmann is utterly unknown within her own party and laughed at by the few who’ve heard her misspelled name, Newt Gingrich is still a detestable cretin, Mitt Romney is an anti-Christian Obamacare liberal freakazoid from Taxachusetts, and there’s still no evidence Tim Pawlenty exists. As in many lost-cause campaigns of the past, the Republicans have returned to their classic Hail Mary pass of the 21st Century: Is there some black guy around somewhere who says he’s Republican?
It is only in these doomed endeavors that the Republicans will turn to some fourth-tier GOP candidate who happens to have a bit more melanin — and almost always when the Democratic candidate also has darker skin than the majority population. It is a strange coincidence! And GOP candidates from Alan Keyes to Michael Steele — that’s all of them, actually — have repeatedly found themselves in the unlikely position of being a black candidate running against a black candidate in a majority white nation. America, what a country! (To be fair, and that is all we strive for, Steele was picked to run for a Maryland Senate seat in 2006 because Kweisi Mfume was running. But Mfume lost the Democratic primary, so Steele lost to Ben Cardin instead.)
Anyway, meet the next president of the United States, Herman “Godfather” Cain:
Cain, the CEO of Godfather’s Pizza, is usually talked about as something of a fringe candidate: likeable, but with little chance at actually winning the nomination. But in the first GOP primary debate earlier this month in Greenville, S.C., Cain performed very well, and a focus group conducted by Frank Luntz declared him the winner. His debate performance seems to have helped him immensely.
Cain jumped to the top of the pack in terms of electability, taking 13 percent of the vote in the tracking poll, compared to the mere 3 percent he got last time. That puts him right behind New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie — ever the favorite, even though he says he won’t run.
This is from the unreliable Washington hip-hop website DC Daily Caller, so it’s probably not true? Or maybe it is, who knows. The story goes on to say Mitt Romney is still the front-runner, but his poll numbers keep dropping the more Republicans realize he’s supposedly the front-runner.
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Hooray, America will finally have the chance to vote in our first black POTUS!
Oopsie, first Black American born POTUS.
Wearz his birf serfticicate?!?!11!
And I think he's 100% black. Not the watered-down, "Half-rican" kind.
I dunno, I've heard rumors he was born in Sicily. I've been asking around, but nobody will tell me anything. Damn omertà.
The first REAL black POTUS. He's not beholden to the Mau Maus, and he makes a hell of a pizza. Did you know he's black?
But, but…he's black.
You know the old saying: "Once you go black, you never go back." Cain is our next prez, Q.E.D.
And he isn't actually the candidate the R's will choose natch, so that doesn't *really* matter. Though, I can see a lot of Republicans cleaning their muskets, stocking up their cellars, and drafting declarations of war at the thought it will be a contest between two black men.
"But, but…he's black. "
That just means ya don't have to give him a tip. –The G.O.P.
The lead hits your eye like a big pizza pie! That's Herman!
Hey, Cain! I don't believe you really were a successful American corporate president. Where's the receipt for my pizza?
What are you talking about? He's totally a successful CEO who has turned Godfather's Pizza from a little-known national chain into a national chain that I still had never heard of until a couple of months ago.
I mean, seriously, can we just draft a list of national pizza chains that are better-known than Godfather's? I'm pretty sure it includes several names that have been defunct since the early 90's.
"I don't believe you really were a successful American corporate president."
Right after you pay $13.39 for a small pizza, he hands you a coupon for a large for $1.99…
Herman Cain: America's Servant of the People.
Needs a dumpy little toga wearing cartoon Italian caricature to say "Herman Herman" at the end of every TV appearance.
Keep him away from Sasha & Malia!
Oops! Wrong shitty chain. Sorry Little Ceasars. Any politicians or right wing douchebags on your board? Dominoes, check. Godfather's, check.
For the win.
If this pizza mogul becomes our next President, how much do I tip him?
5% for a pick-up. 25% for home delivery. $100,000 for a Koch.
"how much do I tip him?"
Tip?
Plant your corn early next year, young feller…
Srsly? They've got Tim "I wish I had an answer for that" Pawlenty and Sarah "I've got a fire in my belly or at least I think its fire because it at least hasn't kicked me yet" Palin in the fight and they are going with this fucking guy? It must be due to the long-established fact that the GOP in general and the Teabaggers in particular love them some black folk.
I'm still sad that Huckabee "doesn't have it in his heart" to run. I guess there just wasn't room in his heart with all that Lipitor and tufts of squirrel pelts in there.
honestly, I think Huck decided not to run because he has a dog in this Rapture race. Boy is he going to feel dumb on Sunday.
I figured he decided not to run because he'd have to give up his lucrative, easy Fox News job for at least a year or so.
Whoa Puck! I now understand "the fire in her belly" comment. Track Palin got married yesterday. Sarah is probably going to have to fake another pregnancy now to cover another grandchild. I don't know how she has time to Tweet with that clown car uterus of hers.
Bravo!
"Clown car uterus," indeed!
Guarantees promises in 30 minutes or less.
Guarantees *to break* promises in 30 minutes or less.
This guy makes Allen West look rational..Moslim; the new black.
For posterity, this is the comment that got me banned from Breitbart once and for all:
All of us over here at Fox are excited over this ticket for 2012: Col. West and Breitbart: The Anus and Andy Show
The upside? You p-ness should start to rise.
If I upfist you and your red p-ness shrinks, will that be a good thing or a bad thing?
Welcome back to the pee race, meta.
Top quality.
Please allow the Wonketteers to enlarge your p-ness.
You seem to have gone out in a blaze of glory. Well done, well done!
"The Anus and Andy Show." Great, but which is which? So confusing!
Sorry, but I could never take a President named "Herman" seriously and neither should you.
Dunno, a lot o' folks took that Hermann Goering feller pretty seriously. Mebbe it was the extra "n".
Pizza Pizza!
He should get Christie to share the ticket with him just to see how much shitty pizza the man can inhale until he goes all Mr. Creosote.
Chris Christie does not share. Anything. Ever.
I heard he will share everything you got, but not for long.
The republicans have a better chance with the green Herman from the Munsters
Clarence Thomas argues otherwise.
Also: you'll have to be more specific, when you say "Mexican governor from out west who's hanging with the hippies", since it could be Gary Johnson, but it could just as well be Brian Sandoval (as I don't know enough of his opinion on weed (though I do know Nevada has medicinal marijuana) to know if he is not also hanging with hippies).
I thought he meant Romney. (What? look up where his dad was born.)
The Daily Tucker does seem to have an odd definition of fringe candidate. "Likable, but unlikely to win the Republican nomination" describes the Republican slate's least-fringe contestants. Well, except for the "likable" part. They're still Republicans, after all.
I would have said that Herman Cain, former CEO of a fast-food-chain-subsidiary of Pilsbury and right-wing radio host, is a fringe candidate in that he espouses genuinely extreme views that would horrify anyone who isn't a full-on fascist, but because of this, is popular with right-wingers despite his race and thus likely to win the Republican nomination.
Seriously, "likeable"? Everything that comes out his mouth is the standard GOP line: Fuck the poors, more tax cuts for the wealthy.
"His debate performance seems to have helped him immensely."
Great Caeser's ghost, I'll stay confused about how this society operates until the day I'm fertilizer. Anytime a black person–especially a black man–opens his mouth and anything other than the words "bitch", "ho", or possibly maybe some straight-up primate noises come out of it, the Old Guard is positively transfixed. Oh, Christ, don't let him swing a golf club around, because then everyone starts in to juicin' their panties! For better or for worse, this country could go a long way in admitting this "erudite Mandingo" fetish.
They were surprised that during the debate, not once did he say, "Hey M-Fer! Where's my M-Fing iced tea?"
He came across well in the debate because he was the only one on the stage who didn't either approve of legal drug use or seem certifiably insane…or both.
Nailed it, Nappy!
Multiple upfists to you, Ms nappyduggs.
Everybody likes pizza! And don't give me any of that goat cheese, organic basil and arugula shit either. I want processed meat and lots of it. And for dessert? Fuckin' dessert pizza. Yeah. USA!
You've never had my specialty: hot smoked salmon, smoked trout, caramelized leek and goat cheese pizza. You know not of what you speak.
You had me at hot smoked
Pizza Elitist.
For reals that sounds delish. What's the sauce?
Cain should make Christie his running (okay, puttering around) mate. I mean, without Christie's devout daily (hourly?) patronage, Godfather's Pizza would've never been at all successful
I really hope the world doesn't end this weekend. I'm really going to enjoy watching the teapartiers heads explode from having to choose between two browns.
Cain will surge in the polls once he denounces and rejects his blackness and apologizes for abolition.
He is going to have to apologize for the war of Northern Agression, and demand reparations-for the south!
And Cain will supersurge once he declares that he don't need to eat indoors at a lunch counter.
Outside, around back, squatting in the dirt in the alley, with a NASCAR hat on is good 'nuff for him…
Right? They're only used to this kind of decision making as it applies to the toppings at the soft-serve bar down at the Golden Corral.
Everytime he campaigns he should just say this:
"In the Republican party, you're the boss. First, you choose from our thick, rich, original crust, our buttery, pan-style golden crust, or our light and crispy thin crust. Then you tell us what veggies and meats to pile on, and we'll take it from there and smother the whole thing with 100% real cheese for a pizza that's absolutely irresistible."
He's a shoo-in for the nomination.
If he teams up with Ron "Legalize It" Paul, I don't see how they can lose.
Pot in every house and a pizza in every oven. Obama might have a challenge on his hands next year after all…
He'll have the vote of everyone who's never actually *had* a Godfather's pizza.
"He's a shoo-in for the nomination."
Especially if he works a deal with Frito-Lay and and, for free, you get the choice of a big bucket of fritos or cheetos on the side.
. That puts him right behind New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie — ever the favorite.
Having been reading the Jersey papers for the last week, I have to say Christie doesn't seem to the favorite even in his own state.
They have caught on to Fat Jesus, in NJ.
Any dipping poll numbers to give us so we have a little cheer before the world ends?
Being "right behind" Chris Christie sounds pretty unpleasant, if not outright dangerous.
Look for a cheesy campaign to come.
I was going to ask if you've been reading a lot of exams this week, but when I hit "Reply" it said I'm now following you. Sorry for any inconvenience, and don't turn around too quickly, please.
"To be fair, and that is all we strive for, Steele was picked to run for a Maryland Senate seat in 2006 because Kweisi Mfume was running. But Mfume lost the Democratic primary, so Steele lost to Ben Cardin instead."
I have a dream that my four little children will one day live in a nation where they will not be judged by the color of their skin but by the content of their character.
Dream on, pink flower. My oldest daughter was born during the fall of the Berlin Wall, and I thought she would grow up in a world free of war. I'm still waiting.
Well, there hasn't been a war in Berlin since then now has there?
In Cain's defense, I have to say that it was refreshing to hear him say during the debate that he doesn't know a thing about governing. It's a condition common to Republicans but few actually admit it.
Right. Why would I cop to wanting to infiltrate something I'm just trying to drown in a bathtub?
Has Brietbart or Beck accused him of being a racist yet?
You, obviously, don't have a Master's Degree in Public Administration and an undergrad minor in political science, like some lovable old person I could mention.
Any astute observer of the American political system knows that only black Democrats can be racist.
Too Black. Really.
Geeeenius.
This candidate arrived cold and doughy.
I want my money back.
His nickname in the black community is Tom.
Now we did actually have a black Republican challenge a white Democrat in Pennsylvania when former Steeler Lynn Swnn ran against the guaranteed-for-reelection Ed Rendell for Governor in 2006. But the white guy he challenged was Jewish, and he had no shot at winning anyway.
Lynn Swann could pretty much do anything he wants in the state of Pennsylvania. Let's be honest.
Except be governor.
As a politician, he was a pretty decent wide receiver.
And the choice posed a difficult decision for voters in the middle of the state: Do they go with their racism or their anti-Semitism.
Except win an election. Besides, only people near Pittsburgh care about him, and there's a lot more of us in Pennsylvania's city that isn't a rusted post-industrial wasteland.
"I'll vote for him. He's
anthe biggest asshole."Fixed.
Wingnuts love their candidates for all the wrong reasons. In Cain's case, he is a "fighter," "a self-made man," "a stage 4 cancer survivor." This is the same bullshit argument they used for McCain, except that in Walnutz' case, in addition to cancer, he crashed planes and was a POW.
The Republicans are thinking about running a black guy? Republicans are running against black. That's thier whole platform for 2012.
Vote Republican: cause if you don't (insert racial slur) will push you around and rape your sister.
"The Republicans are thinking about running a black guy? Republicans are running against black. That's thier whole platform for 2012. "
You don't understand.
When Cain comes out and says he doesn't support giving YOUR tax money to "niggers on welfare", it blows their minds…
Cain doesn't have it wrapped up yet. Listen to "Frank Essary" wrote in the article's comments:
I'm not sure how "listening" will help if Cain only "talks a good game". But the important thing is The Daily Caller readers are ones who can "give him the presidency". I had a totally different idea about how democracy works. So let me be the first to say: I, for one, welcome our Daily Caller overlords.
"…and a focus group conducted by Frank Luntz declared him the winner."
That's right up there with creation scientists finding human footprints inside dinosaur tracks. Really, I'm personally offended that I'm the one who's been taking shrooms for years and yet these mothefuckers are the ones through the looking glass. Go fight the Red Queen, assholes, and let the party of reality run things for a while.
Haha, the Lewis Carroll reference ..I'd nearly posted lyrics to Steely Dan's "Mock Turtle", in response to the continual parade of "exploratory"-inclined public figures "joining the dance" that is the upcoming election circus.
But yeah. For their ilk, mind-altering substance as internally bred in a chemical combustion of denial, delusion and myopiates seems an ill-gotten fix for anyone embracing the fanciful — whether to escape reality or brazenly try to reconstruct it.
How dare he wear a moustache and ask for my vote.
I realize this is still a long shot, but the implications of a Cain/Obama race are pretty fun to think about. My guesses: Obama loses a third of the non-white vote to Cain, but Cain loses more whites that he gains non-whites, and loses in a 2-way race because lots of Repubs stay home. But if Ron Paul runs as a third party, he has "respectable" libertarian cover, but does well largely due to lots of scared whites. Enough to win? Possibly, given the way 3-way races mess up the winner-take-all electoral college system.
Anyone other guesses?
Cain and the inevitable Romney goes the way of Dean and Kerry. The base likes the guy because he has the most hate, the base will slowly realize that he's unhinged, the party selects the more statesmany type trying to channel his inner hater and failing. Base follows him specifically because they can't stand a socialist Democrat victory but can't sway independents.
Tea party doubles down in 2014 but finds nobody's home. Party either realigns or goes the way of the Whigs as the country becomes more hispanic. Third party/ies never take hold because of obvious disadvantages of vote splitting until system dramatically changes perhaps in decades.
/anal sex joke
Note to webmaster: the "/anal sex joke" automated template expansion facility is not working properly (see above).
Republican vote decision process: "I'll vote for him. He's one of us. He's an asshole."
You forgot the important part.
"I'll vote for him. He's just as dumb and ignorant as me. He's one of us. He's an asshole."
Another important consideration…
ASSSHOOOOLE! AND I VOTE!
Oh, give us a break. No way is it that complicated.
Christie says he "won't" run?! That fat mothefucker CAN'T run.
There is evidence Tim Pawlenty exists. It all just happens to be collapsed and at the bottom of the Mississippi River.
That and the hoards* of sleeping fans left in his wake…
*hoards = a handful or so
I can just see the campaign slogans now:
"Cain. Not McCain."
"Cain: A Black Who Won't Talk Back"
"Our N*gg*r's Better 'N Your N*gg*r"
"He's Going To Have A White Running Mate, So Shut The Fuck Up, You In-Bred Hillbillies"
Anything is possible. Our mayor-elect is an ineligible black felon with gang tatts and the full support of the Evangelical community. Because of Jeebus and "he's such a nice guy." And this is rural OK.
For those of limited ability for critical thinking, "he's such a nice guy" is very persuasive.
You know who else was a nice guy?
"and a focus group conducted by Frank Luntz declared him the winner."
Wow, that means….nothing.
I met Frank Luntz once. Still have nightmares about it.
Every time I see the name Frank Luntz, I think people are talking about Lutz, the fictional character from 30 Rock.
This happens because I don't know who Frank Luntz is, and I think I like it better this way.
Not to risk seriousness, but even if Cain somehow won the nomination, come the fall election, some GOP voters would just stay home because, you know, they just won't vote for…One of Them. Ever. Anytime. So…go, go, go Herman Cain!
Right, he's at negative p-ness. It's like he's fuhing himself.
He needs to stop that.
If he sucks as much as a candidate as Godfather's Pizza, Obama is cruising to a reelection.
I can't get past his Billy Dee Williams Colt 45 mustache. Although, "Don't Let The Smooth Taste Fool You" could be a good campaign slogan. Maybe he should just change his first name to Sugar.
Mr McDowell '12!
Full at last, full at last! Thank God almighty we are full at last!
*burrrpp!*
This is a little like when Alan Keyes ran against Obama for the Illinois seat, though with rather less crazy.
I look forward to right-wing trolls mocking liberals for "taking Cain seriously" once he is out of the race, apparently believing that liberals are responding to GOP pollsters and that making jokes is taking someone seriously.
"The GOP nominee is near!"
Do not give up on Sarah Palin yet. She will win. I will make it happen; by Heaven's Arc I swear it.
Then, she will be swiftly defeated by Barry, and she will shrivel and go the goddamn hell away.
No, she will continue to argue that ACORN manipulated the polling machines, and conspiracy theorists will demand to see the long form recounts, etc, etc.
Please. A couple of focus groups will say he's swell, and then the Republicans will go vote for who they always vote for: the white guy.
The truth is that Republican women and closet-cases (i.e. 75% of the party) crave one thing and one thing only: long, thick, black cock. They want Mandingo to come ravish them, his chocolate skin glistening over taut muscles, powerful buttocks pumping, heavy scrotum swinging and slapping against their quivering, violated (but it feels so good!) white buttocks… Sorry, what was I saying?
If Cain can deliver that, I'll vote for him!
What about Reince Priebus?
Don't go making up silly names, now. Politics is serious stuff, you know.
But can he crack a whip while quoting the bible? These authoritarian personalities need someone to tell them what's what, and soon. They are having a sad.
"that one Mexican governor somewhere is a dope fiend with the hippies,"
I imagine him sitting on a horse, unshaven, dirty and drunk on tequilla, shooting his guns in the air and yelling:
"Mota para todos!"
An update on our black, convict, mayor-elect. . He had a letter from the election board saying he won and was sworn in–against state law. (But there's no city ordinance on the matter, his lawyer says–yeah, asshole con artists knows his way around a courtroom) The council has to decide whether to accept but, in the meantime, he's suing the city.
I want to know what church Cain attends. If he's a Baptist who sits on the front pew with his arm around his white wife, be afraid. Be very afraid. Combine that with being a nice guy and anything can happen. Especially when idiots don't stop to consider that when people get hooked into cons, they never look back and say of the con artist, "but he was such an asshole."
I, for one, will withhold judgement until Cornel West weighs in.
Peggy Lee (obscure connection coming up): "Is that all there is"
in their defense, they heard Pizza and automatically go for him.
Hmmm… "stupid, hypocritical, and petty"…
Sounds about right.
Maybe they've found their perfect candidate.
Pizza is unAmerican Eyetalian, they better rename it Slathered Freedom Dough, quick!
Ah, the mark of Cain will never go over with teh fundie Xtians. nope, not even if they like his pizza.
Oh I hope they run Cain! It doesn't matter if he has all the charisma of the abrasive dude at a Town Hall complaining about his neighbor having his Christmas lights still up in January.Nothing gives right wingers a bigger hard on than an "articulate" black dude barking out talking points. Every shitty conservative comic strip or hacky political thriller novel always has some black guy telling off some kooky liberal. The general public, on the other hand, will see Cain for what he is: a knock off Mac & Me to Obama's E.T..
He's clean, with an endearing and articulate Negro accent!
Seriously, though, this guy is Uncle Ruckus come to life. Hell, he even looks like him about the eyes.
Exactly, I can just seeing him on the campaign trail saying 'What a lovely group of beautiful white children, why would y'all let that one shiftless darkie boy into your lily-white class?'
He could never win against Obamer for the same reason Alan Keyes couldn't: neither of them can pass the fabled "Paper Bag" test. Too bad, the Xtian Right is already printing up the "Cain is Able" bumper stickers. Morans!
Thanks cracker, for proving, once again, that it's the "progressives" who are and have always been the "racists", from slavery, the KKK, and jim crow to affirmative action.
Don't you have a rapture to get to? Asshole.
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