Tim Pawlenty Has No Idea Why He’s Running For President

  just wanted to be a pretty ballerina man

Mmm! The taste of disappointment!Mitt Romney’s perennial challenger for Nation’s Most Boring Governor, Tim Pawlenty, has decided to decide their epic rivalry once and for all in the 2012 presidential contest. But if you’re going to run for president, one of the things you’re supposed to have an answer for is why you’re running for president. “And when I ask Pawlenty, during a second interview in Des Moines, Iowa, exactly when he decided he was up to the grand challenge of the presidency, he answers in less than grandiose terms, explaining how he’d set up a political-action committee in 2009.” Haha. But really, Tim-Pawl, why did you start thinking you would make a good president? “I wish I had a good answer for you on that.” Uh!

I try again, saying I am curious about when he first imagined himself worthy of the history books, ready to send soldiers to their deaths and endure the national stage’s harsh toll. “I don’t know,” he replies.”I wish I had a good answer for you on that.” Pawlenty says it is not an idea that crossed his mind 15 or 20 years ago but that as he considered life as a relatively young ex-governor, he felt obliged not to take the easy path and “go make some money and play hockey and drink beer.”

Tim Pawlenty is running for president out of guilt, because if he just got drunk all day doing no work at a law firm, he might realize how privileged he is and how little he has actually done with the significant power he has been able to wield over the past decade.

He’s apparently officially announcing his bid on Monday. Whatever, rapture’s tomorrow anyway. Go nuts, Pawlenty! Show the voters of Iowa your dick! Tell them how disappointed you are with yourself and your life and what you have made of what has been given to you! But mostly show them your weird dick. [Yglesias]

Share This
 
Related video

About the author

Jack Stuef is your loyal editor and a freelance satirist or something like that. He is a contributing writer for The Onion. E-mail him or whatever.

View all articles by Jack Stuef