just wanted to be a pretty ballerina man

Tim Pawlenty Has No Idea Why He’s Running For President

Mmm! The taste of disappointment!Mitt Romney’s perennial challenger for Nation’s Most Boring Governor, Tim Pawlenty, has decided to decide their epic rivalry once and for all in the 2012 presidential contest. But if you’re going to run for president, one of the things you’re supposed to have an answer for is why you’re running for president. “And when I ask Pawlenty, during a second interview in Des Moines, Iowa, exactly when he decided he was up to the grand challenge of the presidency, he answers in less than grandiose terms, explaining how he’d set up a political-action committee in 2009.” Haha. But really, Tim-Pawl, why did you start thinking you would make a good president? “I wish I had a good answer for you on that.” Uh!

I try again, saying I am curious about when he first imagined himself worthy of the history books, ready to send soldiers to their deaths and endure the national stage’s harsh toll. “I don’t know,” he replies.”I wish I had a good answer for you on that.” Pawlenty says it is not an idea that crossed his mind 15 or 20 years ago but that as he considered life as a relatively young ex-governor, he felt obliged not to take the easy path and “go make some money and play hockey and drink beer.”

Tim Pawlenty is running for president out of guilt, because if he just got drunk all day doing no work at a law firm, he might realize how privileged he is and how little he has actually done with the significant power he has been able to wield over the past decade.

He’s apparently officially announcing his bid on Monday. Whatever, rapture’s tomorrow anyway. Go nuts, Pawlenty! Show the voters of Iowa your dick! Tell them how disappointed you are with yourself and your life and what you have made of what has been given to you! But mostly show them your weird dick. [Yglesias]

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Jack Stuef is your loyal editor and a freelance satirist or something like that. He is a contributing writer for The Onion. E-mail him or whatever.

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172 comments

    1. CapeClod

      Another example of those 'Gotcha' questions the lame stream media is springing on Republicans.

  1. Arken

    That's nothing. When they asked Sarah Palin why she wanted to run for president, she said, "yes, all of them."

    1. Madfall

      Having a president with what sounds like a rapper's stage name would be good though surely. Buy your "RESPECT THE T-PAW" shirts here.

          1. Ruhe

            And his campaign slogan, "I have no idea why I'm running", makes him sound like Alvin Greene, so, Irony!

          2. horsedreamer_1

            T-Paw's first move as President will be to compel the NHL to convert all penalty-boxes into meditation shrines for the purgation of negative chi.

    2. noodlesalad

      Newt said "it's gotta be good for at least one or two more, right? Cause I ain't stoppin at three."

  2. nounverb911

    Pawlenty' running? For what? Doesn’t Sarah Palin’s fan club already has a teabagger in chief?

  3. TanzbodenKoenig

    He's obviously drunk on Spam and power. Happened to me once, woke up in a gutter in Iowa a week later after the primary debate, covered with pandering, vitriol and Santorum.

  4. Barb

    He's holding up the Spam and the little cup of Cheerios to show people that these can be purchased with food stamps….for now. Once he is POTUS this luxury of the poor people will disappear so that more corporations can have big tax breaks. No more "real" gruel for poverty stricken people, it's imitation gruel or nothing!

    1. SorosBot

      The Spam and Cheerios wanted Timmy to hold them up to make them look interesting and flavorful by comparison.

      1. BerkeleyBear

        That restriction flies in the face of the ACA, which could in turn jeopardize a huge chunk of Jersey's Medicaid funding if it went through.

        Not that GOP types give a shit, but it is a really stupid move.

  5. Weenus299

    “go make some money and play hockey and drink beer.”

    That's the easy path? The last two, simple enough, but nowaddays you've got do dance some serious pole to rock that dollar.

    T-Paw-Haley 2012!

    1. genxr

      It's so easy we can just get rid of medicare and let seniors take the easy path of making money instead.

    2. chicken_thief

      Since (1) is impossible, and (2) takes too much effort, I've devoted myself to (3). So far, so good.

  6. noodlesalad

    Thank god, I was beginning to wonder if my Wonkette had been raptured, or whatever the opposite is. That said, I think "T Paw – he's not Muslin, Mormon, or Mental" is your nominee. Fired up? Ready to go to sleep!

  7. PsycWench

    It's obvious, really: he wants to spend four years aging as though it were 20 years, be blamed for everything his predecessor did and to have endless jokes made about his name. I just hope he has his long form boring birth certificate handy.

  8. BlueStateLibel

    Holy cow, my 11-year-old nephew could come up with a better answer than that–and it wouldn't be the hamburgers and fries on Air Force One.

  9. SayItWithWookies

    This is a conundrum — while it makes sense that T-Paw really hasn't thought about why he wants to be president, I'm not sure I'd trust a Mormon's version of history, either. Let's just say they're both stupid and wrong and leave it at that.

    1. bagofmice

      Terrorists: your game is through, cause now you'll have to answer to; a T-Paw!!! for some reason…

  10. metamarcisf

    Tim Pawlenty is mostly remembered for making national news last month when he somehow got his weener stuck in the cap of a BIC pen.

    1. DahBoner

      There's no need for a bridge in Minneapolis, anyway.

      The people in the MIdwest are fine with wading across…

    2. genxr

      Leave that to the free market. Bridges should stand on their own, without government help. And don't give me that "too big to fail" – no bridge is too big to fail!

    1. GOPCrusher

      If she was to get in, I've gotta five dolla bill that says she doesn't even last as long as Trump did.

    1. Negropolis

      It actually kind of did. I mean, he did win the 2000 election, and all. His biggest fault with a race that close was that his daddy didn't own the Supreme Court.

  11. Cicada

    Jeezus. Here, I'll answer for you T-Paw:

    " I decided to run for President because I felt that I could help America get back on track. We're a great nation, and this country deserves a President who cares more about the hard-working people on main street than giving bailouts and running up debt."

    Seriously, that took me a minute. Tops.

    1. freakishlywrong

      This does not jibe with the Conservative narrative however. They have no solutions or motivation other than enriching themselves. Therefore, no answers neitherhow.

      1. Lascauxcaveman

        That's true, but they can't come right out and *say* it. Somebody might be paying attention. A journamalist, or something.

          1. tessiee

            "If I'm elected, I'll kill all of ya, and burn your town to cinders"

            *mumblemumble microphone is on*

            "I KNOW it's on!"

            – Groundskeeper Willie

    2. An_Outhouse

      don't forget 'food stamps'. You need to squeeze that phrase in there somewhere.

      1. Cicada

        Yeah, my grammer* is shit, also. To be fair, I'm pretty sure that's a plus in the GOP primaries.

        * yes, I know.

    1. horsedreamer_1

      You won't see this kind of fact-checking at PolitiFact.

      ADV: PolitiFact. They're "impartial".

      Now, excuse the triumphal PolitiFact subsidiary at Milwaukee's Journal-Sentinel while they go to have an hearty lunch of brined rodent phallus.

  12. prommie

    Reminds me of interviewing for jobs, and they ask "that one," that question that hangs you up, you know, "why do you want to work for ABC corporation," or "where do you see yourself in 5 years," and what are you gonna do? You can't possibly tell the fucking truth ("for the paycheck" and "God I hope not still here," respectively). Its the toughest question you can get. Especially when you know its all just a meaningless charade, anyway, that its all just an illusion, full of noise and bombast made by those who create drama to distract themselves from the bleak emptiness of existence. You can't tell your prospective employer that you think life itself is just a joke.

    1. proudgrampa

      "You can't tell your prospective employer that you think life itself is just a joke."

      Maybe THAT's why I still don't have a job…

    2. gef05

      "Why do you want to work for ABC?"

      "Because as long as I know torment I know I am alive."

    3. GuyClinch

      "where do you see yourself in 5 years,"
      Reminds me of a great Mitch Hedberg bit where he's asked that question in an interview. His answer: "Celebrating the 5th anniversary of you asking me that question!"

      1. proudgrampa

        My answer to that was always "lying on the beach with a Pina Colada in my hand."

        Do you suppose THAT's why I still don't have a job?

        1. tessiee

          No way!
          I think retiring extremely wealthy, then lying on a hammock between two palm trees as two or more hot beach boys fan me.
          But, as the Onion article says, I've got to prepare for retirement by first getting a job.

    4. SheriffRoscoe

      I always felt dirty afterwards. I mean, I hate bullshit. And there I was, rolling around in the bullshit with the HR person.

      1. prommie

        I feel dirty every day, for pretending anything matters, anything at all, when in fact its all bullshit, everything.

          1. tessiee

            Dang, you guys are a gloomy bunch!

            Friends, family (even when you feel like strangling them), old books that I've had since I was 3 or so and are so familiar they're like part of me, new books that I put on reserve at the library and have been waiting for with great anticipation and are now ready to be picked up, movies, music, air conducting to Wagner, singing along with the radio while driving, going out dancing, cranking the tunes and dancing like a fool around my house, sex, romance, pizza from the NYC metro area, writing, cooking, art museums, walking around the farmers' market on a nice day, pedicures, the beach, learning a new skill, shopping (even without buying anything), sexy lingerie, tie-dye T-shirts, more books, fancy soaps that make creamy lather and smell nice, wood stoves on cold days, coffee strong enough to stand up the spoon in, planting flowers in my yard, the first ice cream cone of the summer… and of course, snarking here and elsewhere.

            The bastards who spent the last thirty years poisoning the planet and bankrupting us? I guarantee you that THEY'RE happy.

    5. widestanceroman

      Existential approaches to interviews are rarely as successful as objectivist executions of your interviewer with shitstorms of buzzwords. A smart interviewer will see right through this cheap display, and know instantly you have a high enough threshold for bullshit to handle the job.

      Honesty is for 99ers.

    6. Lascauxcaveman

      "Why do you want to work for ABC?"

      I want to bang college interns, and I can see you've got some extremely hot ones working here.

      What?

    7. GOPCrusher

      "Why do you want to work for ABC Corporation?"

      So I can get back to posting at Wonkette. My home Internet account got shut off since I haven't paid the bill in six months.

    8. tessiee

      "*cough*world domination*cough*
      I mean, optimizing my core competencies in a pro-active paradigm, Sir."

  13. Eve8Apples

    Q – "But really, Tim-Pawl, why did you start thinking you would make a good president"

    A – All of them, Katie.

    The one thing I learned from Newt Gingrich is the damn lamestream media should stop quoting people running for president. Everyone knows they just say random made-up shit.

    1. MadBrahms

      My guess was that the answer would have something to do with his grade-school democracy pageant, in which was made to dress up like the cherry tree while the mean kids came at him with a felt axe.

    2. jus_wonderin

      I think the game is to interview them to see how they dodge fucking up the question (and/or their career).

    3. tessiee

      "The one thing I learned from Newt Gingrich is the damn lamestream media should stop quoting people running for president. Everyone knows they just say random made-up shit. "

      Yeah, but it's such perfect material for snarkage.

  14. WhatTheHeck

    You may ask yourself, “How did I get here? This is not my beautiful campaign.
    And you may ask yourself, My god, what have I done?”

  15. Biel_ze_Bubba

    You go into an election with the candidates you have, not the candidates you wish you had.

    We can be sure that Obama is not the Antichrist, because God has blessed him with the most pathetic GOP lineup since the days of Alf Landon (in those days, someone named Alf could, in fact, run for president.) In many ways, T-Paw looks like the Alf Landon of 2012.

    1. unclejeems

      Alf Landon was a progressive R who supported most of the New Deal and had good things to say about the Great Society. He may have been boring, but he makes Pawlenty look about six inches tall. Which, in fact, is what he is.

      1. GOPCrusher

        Well. according to Paul Ryan, the Great Society is a failed experiment and needs to be done away with. First Medicare and Medicaid, then it's open territory to the Voting Rights and Civil Rights Act.

      2. tessiee

        If I recall correctly, Alf Landon was a somewhat populist senator from Kansas whose emblem was a sunflower, and who eventually lived to be 100. His descendant (granddaughter?, I think?) was Senator Nancy Landon Kassebaum.

  16. Callyson

    he felt obliged not to take the easy path and “go make some money…"
    That soundbite ought to go over real well with the voters who lost jobs, house, hope in this last recession…

    1. ThundercatHo

      Maybe some of those folks should play some hockey with Timmy. He could probably still drink beer afterward, through a straw.

  17. fuflans

    when he becomes president, it will be fun to see this guy and vladimir putin in the same room.

    1. MadBrahms

      "I looked into his soul, and I saw corn fritters. Not really sure why. Think those were already on my mind, actually."

      P.S. Good morning, fister-friends! Welcome to the party! (Seriously, you people are upset that we're knocking on T-Paw? T-Paw?! Really?)

    2. ttommyunger

      One of them would be on his knees in no time, and it wouldn't be the "Putinator".

  18. Thurman Munster IV

    Actually, the most this guy could aspire to would be as Michael Scott's replacement. No offense Scranton.

    1. metamarcisf

      I liked Jim Carrey, the guy who was on vacation in the Finger Lakes. People get lost in the Finger Lakes.

  19. P_Drizzle

    I figured he made a deal with the Paultards who secretly run Real America – they will let him be the nominee as long as they can keep stealing his lunch money.

  20. PuckStopsHere

    I'll bet this guy could make hockey boring. (And hockey is really, really exciting for those of you who do not know. That's what makes what I said funny.) And when I say funny things like this I have to wonder, "Jesus, how am I still under 100 pee?" Who do I have to fuck around here…
    And speaking of Jesus–looking forward to seeing you tomorrow, big guy!

  21. genxr

    "I wish I had a good answer for you" is the ONLY safe answer to any question in the Republican primary.

    1. chicken_thief

      You can bet that Rush has called and told him EXACTLY wtf he should have said by now.

  22. mrblifil

    T-Paw, you so crayzee! Why you runnin' for prez???

    "No real reason. Maybe as a fuck you to victims of bridge collapses. How ya like me now!"

    YOU SO HARDCORE!

  23. bureaucrap

    I'm going with the "psychodrama" answer:

    "Why do you want to be president?"
    "Because:
    1) I got beat up by the other kids/dad/mom
    2) Always last chosen for dodgeball/hopscotch/chess team
    3) All the priests in my parish refused to abuse me even after repeated requests

    And one day I swore I'd get even."

    1. tessiee

      Sheesh!

      Just burn down the high school with your mind like the rest of us did!

      What?

  24. BerkeleyBear

    And Lindsey Graham heard "Poof Pit!" and tried to make his staffers dog pile him.

  25. mrpuma2u

    He better throw in this go around, by 2016 he will be bald. Also and, some other thing he was too lazy/stupid to fix in MN will collapse and kill not only people, but any remaining hopes of him as a viable candidate.

  26. Worthly[♬♪♬♪♫♪♬]Skum

    T-Paw should make not having any idea why he's running into his signature issue. He'll really connect with the Republican base here, and I think he's get a lot of sympathy from Dems as well.

  27. AlNewMan

    The real reason we need T-Paw is because he is the candidate that most resembles Gomer Pyle … Gawww Leeee, Andy!!!!!

  28. BarryOPotter

    ♫I might like you better if we slept together
    But there's something in his eyes that says "Maybe"
    And that's "Never!"♫

  29. Negropolis

    Tim Pawlenty Has No Idea Why He’s Running For President

    He's not alone; neither do we.

  30. ttommyunger

    "Tim Pawlenty Has No Idea Why He’s Running For President." Also has no idea how the cum stains got on his sheets, since he hasn't fucked his super-hawt wife in months…Life is a puzzle, wrapped in an enigma, covered in bland. Seriously, I looked up "Nebbish" in the Dictionary and T-Paw's picture was there, with the same vapid smile.

  31. tessiee

    "Nebach (neh bach) A colorless person; a nobody. Has been described as a poor soul who enters a room and creates the impression that someone has just left."

    Martin Marcus, "Yiddish for Yankees"

  32. tessiee

    OK, I have to ask:

    How do we know that he has a weird dick and what, specifically, is wrong with it?

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