Tim Pawlenty Has No Idea Why He’s Running For President

by Jack Stuef

Mmm! The taste of disappointment!Mitt Romney’s perennial challenger for Nation’s Most Boring Governor, Tim Pawlenty, has decided to decide their epic rivalry once and for all in the 2012 presidential contest. But if you’re going to run for president, one of the things you’re supposed to have an answer for is why you’re running for president. “And when I ask Pawlenty, during a second interview in Des Moines, Iowa, exactly when he decided he was up to the grand challenge of the presidency, he answers in less than grandiose terms, explaining how he’d set up a political-action committee in 2009.” Haha. But really, Tim-Pawl, why did you start thinking you would make a good president? “I wish I had a good answer for you on that.” Uh!

I try again, saying I am curious about when he first imagined himself worthy of the history books, ready to send soldiers to their deaths and endure the national stage’s harsh toll. “I don’t know,” he replies.”I wish I had a good answer for you on that.” Pawlenty says it is not an idea that crossed his mind 15 or 20 years ago but that as he considered life as a relatively young ex-governor, he felt obliged not to take the easy path and “go make some money and play hockey and drink beer.”

Tim Pawlenty is running for president out of guilt, because if he just got drunk all day doing no work at a law firm, he might realize how privileged he is and how little he has actually done with the significant power he has been able to wield over the past decade.

He’s apparently officially announcing his bid on Monday. Whatever, rapture’s tomorrow anyway. Go nuts, Pawlenty! Show the voters of Iowa your dick! Tell them how disappointed you are with yourself and your life and what you have made of what has been given to you! But mostly show them your weird dick. [Yglesias]

 
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{ 172 comments }

SorosBot May 20, 2011 at 11:21 am

Vote T-Paw 2012, because… um, whatever.

CapeClod May 20, 2011 at 11:43 am

Another example of those 'Gotcha' questions the lame stream media is springing on Republicans.

GOPCrusher May 20, 2011 at 1:01 pm

He's the former Governor of the state that brought the world, Spam.

tessiee May 21, 2011 at 11:56 am

And this is A Good Thing or A Bad Thing?

Arken May 20, 2011 at 11:22 am

That's nothing. When they asked Sarah Palin why she wanted to run for president, she said, "yes, all of them."

Madfall May 20, 2011 at 11:26 am

Having a president with what sounds like a rapper's stage name would be good though surely. Buy your "RESPECT THE T-PAW" shirts here.

Arken May 20, 2011 at 11:28 am

Except he's so white, he makes Vanilla Ice look black.

Madfall May 20, 2011 at 11:32 am

Which to me, is part of what makes the nickname funny.

Ruhe May 20, 2011 at 11:46 am

And his campaign slogan, "I have no idea why I'm running", makes him sound like Alvin Greene, so, Irony!

bagofmice May 20, 2011 at 11:43 am

So then you're saying that hair shavings worked for vanilla?

Terry May 20, 2011 at 11:27 am

and she thought "Profit!"

Arken May 20, 2011 at 11:29 am

And Mitt Romney thought, "Prophet!"

noodlesalad May 20, 2011 at 11:29 am

Newt said "it's gotta be good for at least one or two more, right? Cause I ain't stoppin at three."

nounverb911 May 20, 2011 at 11:23 am

Pawlenty' running? For what? Doesn’t Sarah Palin’s fan club already has a teabagger in chief?

GuyClinch May 20, 2011 at 11:23 am

Malaise/Ennui 2012!

Tengu May 20, 2011 at 11:23 am

- Knock, Knock
- Who's there?
- Tim Pawlenty
- Tim Pawlenty who?
- Exactly

Rosie_Scenario May 20, 2011 at 11:24 am

Mr. Whipple has lost a lot of weight and is no longer squeezing the Charmin.

SexySmurf May 20, 2011 at 11:24 am

That's funny, I have no idea why he's running either.

OkieDokieDog May 20, 2011 at 11:26 am

You beat me, you SexySmurf you.

Callyson May 20, 2011 at 11:46 am

That makes (at least) three of us.

Kgprophet May 21, 2011 at 2:27 pm

Because he's had only one huge bridge collapse under his administration.

TanzbodenKoenig May 20, 2011 at 11:24 am

He's obviously drunk on Spam and power. Happened to me once, woke up in a gutter in Iowa a week later after the primary debate, covered with pandering, vitriol and Santorum.

PsycWench May 20, 2011 at 11:29 am

must have been the 170-proof Spam. You have to be careful with that.

nounverb911 May 20, 2011 at 11:24 am

Tim Pawlenty? Didn't he used to shill the "Good 'n Pawlenty" candy?

OkieDokieDog May 20, 2011 at 11:24 am

I'm with T Paw. I have no damn idea why he's running for Prez either.

Barb May 20, 2011 at 11:25 am

He's holding up the Spam and the little cup of Cheerios to show people that these can be purchased with food stamps….for now. Once he is POTUS this luxury of the poor people will disappear so that more corporations can have big tax breaks. No more "real" gruel for poverty stricken people, it's imitation gruel or nothing!

TanzbodenKoenig May 20, 2011 at 11:27 am

I thought it was some horrible Minnesotan breakfast delicacy

widestanceroman May 20, 2011 at 11:41 am

that is not tasty or expeditious.

SorosBot May 20, 2011 at 11:44 am

The Spam and Cheerios wanted Timmy to hold them up to make them look interesting and flavorful by comparison.

riverside68 May 20, 2011 at 12:12 pm

"I can't believe it's not Gruel" TM

James Michael Curley May 20, 2011 at 12:59 pm

"Gov. Christie's proposed income limits would cut Medicaid for working poor" http://www.nj.com/news/index.ssf/2011/05/proposed

So if you work and make more than $103 a month your children can't get health care in NJ.

GOPCrusher May 20, 2011 at 1:07 pm

And they don't understand why they aren't loved.

BerkeleyBear May 20, 2011 at 1:33 pm

That restriction flies in the face of the ACA, which could in turn jeopardize a huge chunk of Jersey's Medicaid funding if it went through.

Not that GOP types give a shit, but it is a really stupid move.

Weenus299 May 20, 2011 at 11:25 am

“go make some money and play hockey and drink beer.”

That's the easy path? The last two, simple enough, but nowaddays you've got do dance some serious pole to rock that dollar.

T-Paw-Haley 2012!

genxr May 20, 2011 at 12:04 pm

It's so easy we can just get rid of medicare and let seniors take the easy path of making money instead.

chicken_thief May 20, 2011 at 12:06 pm

Since (1) is impossible, and (2) takes too much effort, I've devoted myself to (3). So far, so good.

noodlesalad May 20, 2011 at 11:25 am

Thank god, I was beginning to wonder if my Wonkette had been raptured, or whatever the opposite is. That said, I think "T Paw – he's not Muslin, Mormon, or Mental" is your nominee. Fired up? Ready to go to sleep!

GuyClinch May 20, 2011 at 11:26 am

"Wish I had a good answer for you on that."
Great campaign slogan, or the GREATEST campaign slogan?

tessiee May 21, 2011 at 12:10 pm

Thinking up answers is HARD WORK!

SorosBot May 20, 2011 at 11:27 am

It is impressive that Pawlenty's managed to bore even himself.

PsycWench May 20, 2011 at 11:28 am

It's obvious, really: he wants to spend four years aging as though it were 20 years, be blamed for everything his predecessor did and to have endless jokes made about his name. I just hope he has his long form boring birth certificate handy.

Radiotherapy May 20, 2011 at 11:29 am

Even his motivations are boring.

BlueStateLibel May 20, 2011 at 11:30 am

Holy cow, my 11-year-old nephew could come up with a better answer than that–and it wouldn't be the hamburgers and fries on Air Force One.

Lascauxcaveman May 20, 2011 at 11:52 am

Athough that, in itself, would be pretty awesome.

chicken_thief May 20, 2011 at 12:09 pm

Trig coulda topped that low bar response.

PeaceWithHonor May 20, 2011 at 11:30 am

Beige

DahBoner May 20, 2011 at 11:55 am

Now you've done it!

Jennifer Aniston is thinking of becoming his groupie…

Geminisunmars May 20, 2011 at 2:53 pm

But beige goes with every(voter)thing.

SayItWithWookies May 20, 2011 at 11:31 am

This is a conundrum — while it makes sense that T-Paw really hasn't thought about why he wants to be president, I'm not sure I'd trust a Mormon's version of history, either. Let's just say they're both stupid and wrong and leave it at that.

bagofmice May 20, 2011 at 11:56 am

Terrorists: your game is through, cause now you'll have to answer to; a T-Paw!!! for some reason…

metamarcisf May 20, 2011 at 11:32 am

Tim Pawlenty is mostly remembered for making national news last month when he somehow got his weener stuck in the cap of a BIC pen.

Allmighty_Manos May 20, 2011 at 11:32 am

Pawlenty 2012: Why the Hell Not?

LesPaultard May 20, 2011 at 11:58 am

T-Paw 2012: Because

Just Because.

Geminisunmars May 20, 2011 at 2:56 pm

Pawlenty/Modess 2012

gef05 May 20, 2011 at 11:33 am

By the time I got this far through the thread I forgot who we were talking about.

nounverb911 May 20, 2011 at 11:33 am

Pawlenty's going to run on his great record of support for infrastructure.

DahBoner May 20, 2011 at 11:57 am

There's no need for a bridge in Minneapolis, anyway.

The people in the MIdwest are fine with wading across…

bagofmice May 20, 2011 at 11:59 am

That's the kind of support that needs to be maintained, no?

genxr May 20, 2011 at 12:07 pm

Leave that to the free market. Bridges should stand on their own, without government help. And don't give me that "too big to fail" – no bridge is too big to fail!

nounverb911 May 20, 2011 at 12:13 pm
user-of-owls May 20, 2011 at 11:33 am

Meanwhile, S-Pal has a "fire in her belly."

In other words, Satan's condom broke and she's carrying a devil baby. Wahoo!
http://nation.foxnews.com/2012-presidential-race/

MadBrahms May 20, 2011 at 11:53 am

The real question here is why satan would be wearing a rubber in the first place.

jus_wonderin May 20, 2011 at 11:57 am

Yeah? But what is her hot box telling her?

GOPCrusher May 20, 2011 at 1:13 pm

If she was to get in, I've gotta five dolla bill that says she doesn't even last as long as Trump did.

Doktor Zoom May 20, 2011 at 11:34 am

I don't understand–blandness worked so well for Al Gore.

GOPCrusher May 20, 2011 at 1:13 pm

Gore/Malaise 2000!

horsedreamer_1 May 20, 2011 at 1:56 pm

Given his intonation, that is a perfect nickname for Liebermann.

tessiee May 21, 2011 at 12:15 pm

I'll stick with calling him Dr. Zoidberg.

Negropolis May 21, 2011 at 8:43 pm

It actually kind of did. I mean, he did win the 2000 election, and all. His biggest fault with a race that close was that his daddy didn't own the Supreme Court.

nounverb911 May 20, 2011 at 11:34 am

I loved him in "Tin Men".

freakishlywrong May 20, 2011 at 11:35 am

Meh.

Cicada May 20, 2011 at 11:35 am

Jeezus. Here, I'll answer for you T-Paw:

" I decided to run for President because I felt that I could help America get back on track. We're a great nation, and this country deserves a President who cares more about the hard-working people on main street than giving bailouts and running up debt."

Seriously, that took me a minute. Tops.

gef05 May 20, 2011 at 11:43 am

CICADA | T-PAW 2012

freakishlywrong May 20, 2011 at 11:47 am

This does not jibe with the Conservative narrative however. They have no solutions or motivation other than enriching themselves. Therefore, no answers neitherhow.

Lascauxcaveman May 20, 2011 at 12:00 pm

That's true, but they can't come right out and *say* it. Somebody might be paying attention. A journamalist, or something.

freakishlywrong May 20, 2011 at 12:04 pm

Pshaw. He is a Republican, fucking "journalists" hear nothing.

tessiee May 21, 2011 at 12:20 pm

"If I'm elected, I'll kill all of ya, and burn your town to cinders"

*mumblemumble microphone is on*

"I KNOW it's on!"

– Groundskeeper Willie

An_Outhouse May 20, 2011 at 1:01 pm

don't forget 'food stamps'. You need to squeeze that phrase in there somewhere.

GOPCrusher May 20, 2011 at 1:14 pm

You lost me at "hard-working people".

Cicada May 20, 2011 at 1:21 pm

Yeah, my grammer* is shit, also. To be fair, I'm pretty sure that's a plus in the GOP primaries.

* yes, I know.

Monsieur_Grumpe May 20, 2011 at 11:35 am

Ex-Minnesota Republican governor Arnie thinks Pawlenty really screwed up our state.
http://thinkprogress.org/2011/05/19/former-gov-sl

horsedreamer_1 May 20, 2011 at 12:02 pm

You won't see this kind of fact-checking at PolitiFact.

ADV: PolitiFact. They're "impartial".

Now, excuse the triumphal PolitiFact subsidiary at Milwaukee's Journal-Sentinel while they go to have an hearty lunch of brined rodent phallus.

nounverb911 May 20, 2011 at 11:36 am

Pawlenty's running? Good thing the world is ending tomorrow.

prommie May 20, 2011 at 11:37 am

Reminds me of interviewing for jobs, and they ask "that one," that question that hangs you up, you know, "why do you want to work for ABC corporation," or "where do you see yourself in 5 years," and what are you gonna do? You can't possibly tell the fucking truth ("for the paycheck" and "God I hope not still here," respectively). Its the toughest question you can get. Especially when you know its all just a meaningless charade, anyway, that its all just an illusion, full of noise and bombast made by those who create drama to distract themselves from the bleak emptiness of existence. You can't tell your prospective employer that you think life itself is just a joke.

proudgrampa May 20, 2011 at 11:44 am

"You can't tell your prospective employer that you think life itself is just a joke."

Maybe THAT's why I still don't have a job…

gef05 May 20, 2011 at 11:49 am

"Why do you want to work for ABC?"

"Because as long as I know torment I know I am alive."

GuyClinch May 20, 2011 at 11:49 am

"where do you see yourself in 5 years,"
Reminds me of a great Mitch Hedberg bit where he's asked that question in an interview. His answer: "Celebrating the 5th anniversary of you asking me that question!"

proudgrampa May 20, 2011 at 11:52 am

My answer to that was always "lying on the beach with a Pina Colada in my hand."

Do you suppose THAT's why I still don't have a job?

tessiee May 21, 2011 at 12:26 pm

No way!
I think retiring extremely wealthy, then lying on a hammock between two palm trees as two or more hot beach boys fan me.
But, as the Onion article says, I've got to prepare for retirement by first getting a job.

SheriffRoscoe May 20, 2011 at 11:54 am

I always felt dirty afterwards. I mean, I hate bullshit. And there I was, rolling around in the bullshit with the HR person.

prommie May 20, 2011 at 12:04 pm

I feel dirty every day, for pretending anything matters, anything at all, when in fact its all bullshit, everything.

riverside68 May 20, 2011 at 12:24 pm

"Babies and travel, everything else is drudgery and death." Dave Eggers

deanbooth May 20, 2011 at 3:08 pm

You just need to celebrate that nothing matters.

tessiee May 21, 2011 at 12:55 pm

Dang, you guys are a gloomy bunch!

Friends, family (even when you feel like strangling them), old books that I've had since I was 3 or so and are so familiar they're like part of me, new books that I put on reserve at the library and have been waiting for with great anticipation and are now ready to be picked up, movies, music, air conducting to Wagner, singing along with the radio while driving, going out dancing, cranking the tunes and dancing like a fool around my house, sex, romance, pizza from the NYC metro area, writing, cooking, art museums, walking around the farmers' market on a nice day, pedicures, the beach, learning a new skill, shopping (even without buying anything), sexy lingerie, tie-dye T-shirts, more books, fancy soaps that make creamy lather and smell nice, wood stoves on cold days, coffee strong enough to stand up the spoon in, planting flowers in my yard, the first ice cream cone of the summer… and of course, snarking here and elsewhere.

The bastards who spent the last thirty years poisoning the planet and bankrupting us? I guarantee you that THEY'RE happy.

widestanceroman May 20, 2011 at 12:02 pm

Existential approaches to interviews are rarely as successful as objectivist executions of your interviewer with shitstorms of buzzwords. A smart interviewer will see right through this cheap display, and know instantly you have a high enough threshold for bullshit to handle the job.

Honesty is for 99ers.

Lascauxcaveman May 20, 2011 at 12:03 pm

"Why do you want to work for ABC?"

I want to bang college interns, and I can see you've got some extremely hot ones working here.

What?

GOPCrusher May 20, 2011 at 1:17 pm

"Why do you want to work for ABC Corporation?"

So I can get back to posting at Wonkette. My home Internet account got shut off since I haven't paid the bill in six months.

tessiee May 21, 2011 at 12:24 pm

"*cough*world domination*cough*
I mean, optimizing my core competencies in a pro-active paradigm, Sir."

ManchuCandidate May 20, 2011 at 11:39 am

Puppetry of the Koch, starring T-Paw, the befuddled Gubbiner.

Sassomatic May 20, 2011 at 11:39 am

Pawlenty 2012. Because we're pretty much fucked anyway.

mereoblivion May 20, 2011 at 11:40 am

Scarily enuf, I've never seen T-Paw and Frances McDormand together.

CapeClod May 20, 2011 at 11:41 am

"Yes We zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz…"

owhatever May 20, 2011 at 11:41 am

More Gotcha journalism questions. I'm not going to play that elitist game.

baconzgood May 20, 2011 at 11:42 am

I'd be the prez for the free blow jobs and shell fish.

fuflans May 20, 2011 at 11:43 am

meh

Chillwaver May 20, 2011 at 11:43 am

I wish I could say something snarky, but I've got no idea who this fucker is…

bagofmice May 20, 2011 at 11:45 am

And the TA thought "Prof it".

Lascauxcaveman May 20, 2011 at 11:46 am

And the dessert chef said "Parfait."

jus_wonderin May 20, 2011 at 11:51 am

And Arnold said "Poke it".

Eve8Apples May 20, 2011 at 11:47 am

Q – "But really, Tim-Pawl, why did you start thinking you would make a good president"

A – All of them, Katie.

The one thing I learned from Newt Gingrich is the damn lamestream media should stop quoting people running for president. Everyone knows they just say random made-up shit.

MadBrahms May 20, 2011 at 11:55 am

My guess was that the answer would have something to do with his grade-school democracy pageant, in which was made to dress up like the cherry tree while the mean kids came at him with a felt axe.

jus_wonderin May 20, 2011 at 12:03 pm

I think the game is to interview them to see how they dodge fucking up the question (and/or their career).

tessiee May 21, 2011 at 12:59 pm

"The one thing I learned from Newt Gingrich is the damn lamestream media should stop quoting people running for president. Everyone knows they just say random made-up shit. "

Yeah, but it's such perfect material for snarkage.

WhatTheHeck May 20, 2011 at 11:47 am

You may ask yourself, “How did I get here? This is not my beautiful campaign.
And you may ask yourself, My god, what have I done?”

MadBrahms May 20, 2011 at 11:55 am

Or if you're Newt Gingrich, "This is not my beautiful wife."

tessiee May 21, 2011 at 12:59 pm

Kucinich has to sit silently for that particular line.

Geminisunmars May 20, 2011 at 3:06 pm

You may tell yourself, that is not my beautiful (white) house.

Biel_ze_Bubba May 20, 2011 at 11:48 am

You go into an election with the candidates you have, not the candidates you wish you had.

We can be sure that Obama is not the Antichrist, because God has blessed him with the most pathetic GOP lineup since the days of Alf Landon (in those days, someone named Alf could, in fact, run for president.) In many ways, T-Paw looks like the Alf Landon of 2012.

ThundercatHo May 20, 2011 at 11:58 am

ALF/Pawlenty 2012!

jus_wonderin May 20, 2011 at 12:04 pm

Didn't he eat cats?

SorosBot May 20, 2011 at 12:05 pm

But isn't Alf an illegal Melmacian alien?

Lascauxcaveman May 20, 2011 at 12:07 pm

He's no Thomas Dewey, that's for sure.

unclejeems May 20, 2011 at 12:18 pm

Alf Landon was a progressive R who supported most of the New Deal and had good things to say about the Great Society. He may have been boring, but he makes Pawlenty look about six inches tall. Which, in fact, is what he is.

GOPCrusher May 20, 2011 at 1:23 pm

Well. according to Paul Ryan, the Great Society is a failed experiment and needs to be done away with. First Medicare and Medicaid, then it's open territory to the Voting Rights and Civil Rights Act.

tessiee May 21, 2011 at 1:01 pm

If I recall correctly, Alf Landon was a somewhat populist senator from Kansas whose emblem was a sunflower, and who eventually lived to be 100. His descendant (granddaughter?, I think?) was Senator Nancy Landon Kassebaum.

widestanceroman May 20, 2011 at 11:49 am

A candidacy of 'meh' from the party of 'no.' What could possibly go wrong?

horsedreamer_1 May 20, 2011 at 12:05 pm

Pawlenty: I will restore America's BUKKIT.

Geminisunmars May 20, 2011 at 3:08 pm

Pawlenty. (I'm sorry.)

Callyson May 20, 2011 at 11:49 am

he felt obliged not to take the easy path and “go make some money…"
That soundbite ought to go over real well with the voters who lost jobs, house, hope in this last recession…

ThundercatHo May 20, 2011 at 12:03 pm

Maybe some of those folks should play some hockey with Timmy. He could probably still drink beer afterward, through a straw.

OneDollarJuana May 20, 2011 at 11:51 am

For T-Paw, no bridge is a bridge too far. Well, maybe one.

fuflans May 20, 2011 at 11:54 am

when he becomes president, it will be fun to see this guy and vladimir putin in the same room.

MadBrahms May 20, 2011 at 11:57 am

"I looked into his soul, and I saw corn fritters. Not really sure why. Think those were already on my mind, actually."

P.S. Good morning, fister-friends! Welcome to the party! (Seriously, you people are upset that we're knocking on T-Paw? T-Paw?! Really?)

ttommyunger May 21, 2011 at 4:29 am

One of them would be on his knees in no time, and it wouldn't be the "Putinator".

SudsMcKenzie May 20, 2011 at 11:57 am

What took Willy so long to figure out, …. ohh, right.

Thurman Munster IV May 20, 2011 at 11:58 am

Actually, the most this guy could aspire to would be as Michael Scott's replacement. No offense Scranton.

metamarcisf May 20, 2011 at 3:48 pm

I liked Jim Carrey, the guy who was on vacation in the Finger Lakes. People get lost in the Finger Lakes.

Lascauxcaveman May 20, 2011 at 11:58 am

Well, this race just got a lot less boring, now with the addition of Boring.

LesBontemps May 20, 2011 at 12:02 pm

I got paw-lenty of nothin'.

P_Drizzle May 20, 2011 at 12:03 pm

I figured he made a deal with the Paultards who secretly run Real America – they will let him be the nominee as long as they can keep stealing his lunch money.

PuckStopsHere May 20, 2011 at 12:03 pm

I'll bet this guy could make hockey boring. (And hockey is really, really exciting for those of you who do not know. That's what makes what I said funny.) And when I say funny things like this I have to wonder, "Jesus, how am I still under 100 pee?" Who do I have to fuck around here…
And speaking of Jesus–looking forward to seeing you tomorrow, big guy!

metamarcisf May 20, 2011 at 3:49 pm

Pawlenty could make drinking beer and projectile vomiting boring.

horsedreamer_1 May 20, 2011 at 12:03 pm

"Mind if I call you 'Barry'? I have a bunch of zingers I am going to use…"

genxr May 20, 2011 at 12:06 pm

And that was your running mate in the wood chipper?

tessiee May 21, 2011 at 12:13 pm

Um…
*shuffles toe of shoe on ground*
I wish I had a good answer for you on that.

donner_froh May 20, 2011 at 12:06 pm

Well, I set up this PAC a few years ago and I didn't want to waste all the time it took so I am running for President….

genxr May 20, 2011 at 12:11 pm

"I wish I had a good answer for you" is the ONLY safe answer to any question in the Republican primary.

chicken_thief May 20, 2011 at 12:21 pm

You can bet that Rush has called and told him EXACTLY wtf he should have said by now.

unclejeems May 20, 2011 at 12:19 pm

Well put, sir or madame, well put.

Gopherit May 20, 2011 at 12:23 pm

T-Paw. Dubya without the accent or the jarred fetus.

mrblifil May 20, 2011 at 1:15 pm

T-Paw, you so crayzee! Why you runnin' for prez???

"No real reason. Maybe as a fuck you to victims of bridge collapses. How ya like me now!"

YOU SO HARDCORE!

bureaucrap May 20, 2011 at 1:18 pm

I'm going with the "psychodrama" answer:

"Why do you want to be president?"
"Because:
1) I got beat up by the other kids/dad/mom
2) Always last chosen for dodgeball/hopscotch/chess team
3) All the priests in my parish refused to abuse me even after repeated requests

And one day I swore I'd get even."

tessiee May 21, 2011 at 1:18 pm

Sheesh!

Just burn down the high school with your mind like the rest of us did!

What?

GOPCrusher May 20, 2011 at 1:25 pm

Kind of reminds you of those halycon days of Dukakis/Bentsen, doesn't it?

BerkeleyBear May 20, 2011 at 1:29 pm

And Lindsey Graham heard "Poof Pit!" and tried to make his staffers dog pile him.

mrpuma2u May 20, 2011 at 1:53 pm

He better throw in this go around, by 2016 he will be bald. Also and, some other thing he was too lazy/stupid to fix in MN will collapse and kill not only people, but any remaining hopes of him as a viable candidate.

Worthly[♬♪♬♪♫♪♬]Skum May 20, 2011 at 1:59 pm

T-Paw should make not having any idea why he's running into his signature issue. He'll really connect with the Republican base here, and I think he's get a lot of sympathy from Dems as well.

AlNewMan May 20, 2011 at 2:08 pm

The real reason we need T-Paw is because he is the candidate that most resembles Gomer Pyle … Gawww Leeee, Andy!!!!!

tessiee May 21, 2011 at 1:20 pm

Sha-ZAM!!

Cheetah Repeater May 20, 2011 at 3:09 pm

He's running because his lizard overlord told him to, DUH!

BarryOPotter May 20, 2011 at 3:16 pm

♫I might like you better if we slept together
But there's something in his eyes that says "Maybe"
And that's "Never!"♫

user-of-owls May 20, 2011 at 3:23 pm

red-hot, molten hookworms.

BZ1 May 20, 2011 at 3:43 pm

Vote T-Paw for…. (I'll get back to you….)

Gleem_McShineys May 20, 2011 at 3:54 pm

Van Susteren santorum, also

Negropolis May 20, 2011 at 10:40 pm

Tim Pawlenty Has No Idea Why He’s Running For President

He's not alone; neither do we.

ttommyunger May 21, 2011 at 4:35 am

"Tim Pawlenty Has No Idea Why He’s Running For President." Also has no idea how the cum stains got on his sheets, since he hasn't fucked his super-hawt wife in months…Life is a puzzle, wrapped in an enigma, covered in bland. Seriously, I looked up "Nebbish" in the Dictionary and T-Paw's picture was there, with the same vapid smile.

tessiee May 21, 2011 at 1:04 pm

"Nebach (neh bach) A colorless person; a nobody. Has been described as a poor soul who enters a room and creates the impression that someone has just left."

Martin Marcus, "Yiddish for Yankees"

tessiee May 21, 2011 at 1:16 pm

OK, I have to ask:

How do we know that he has a weird dick and what, specifically, is wrong with it?

tessiee May 21, 2011 at 1:16 pm

If a candidacy is announced, and no one hears it, is T-Paw still boring?

horsedreamer_1 May 20, 2011 at 11:57 am

T-Paw's first move as President will be to compel the NHL to convert all penalty-boxes into meditation shrines for the purgation of negative chi.

GOPCrusher May 20, 2011 at 1:04 pm
BerkeleyBear May 20, 2011 at 1:27 pm

Canuck boobies – nice!

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