it's morning in america

Mitt Romney Angry Obama Pushed His Best Friend Israel On the Ground

Packing Israel back into Palestine.

  • Uh oh! Yesterday, when Mitt Romney wasn’t around to protect the defenseless Zionist nation, world bully Barack Obama beat it to a bloody pulp, saying in a speech that an Israel-Palestine peace deal should start with restoring the borders prior to the 1967 Arab-Israeli war and Israel should stop occupying territories they didn’t hold before then. Yeah, well, Mitt Romney is back now, and he challenges mean ol’ Obama to a fistfight. “President Obama has thrown Israel under the bus. He has disrespected Israel and undermined its ability to negotiate peace.” ISRAEL IS A PERFECT ANGEL WHO CAN DO NO WRONG, BRO. And now you’re going to PAY for suggesting they might try to achieve peace. [The Hill]
  • Newt Gingrich now says he wasn’t talking about Paul Ryan at all when he talked about “right-wing social engineering” on Meet the Press. Sure thing! (Jesus Christ, Paul Ryan, show some mercy! WHAT DOES NEWT HAVE TO DO TO MAKE IT UP TO YOU? Buy you one of those expensive baskets of cheeses and meat sausage?) [Atlantic]
  • Here is an amusing story about normal teens and their crazy rapture parents. Except sometimes it’s not so amusing. “I don’t really have any motivation to try to figure out what I want to do anymore, because my main support line, my parents, don’t care.” Oh jeez. Can we all send these kids a nice gift card to a local mall? [NYT]
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About the author

Jack Stuef is your loyal editor and a freelance satirist or something like that. He is a contributing writer for The Onion. E-mail him or whatever.

View all articles by Jack Stuef

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115 comments

  1. Pragmatist2

    I think the two tribes of Israel that came to America should yield territory to the Palestinians. I am thinking Utah would do fine.

    1. Serolf_Divad

      Whoa, there, cowboy…doesn't that mean the Mormons would then have to re-settle… among the rest of us?!

    2. mull_man

      For years I've been of the opinion that Florida fits the bill perfectly. Sure, they might annex Alabama to protect the holy city of Pensacola, but who would miss that state anyway?

  2. EatsBabyDingos

    Damn big bus to fit Israel under it. Mitt needs "Dancing Queen" for a ring tone if he wants me to take him seriously.

  3. OC_Surf_Serf

    When they say End of the World do they mean the entire Universe or just Orlando, Florida?

    1. SorosBot

      It's the end of everything – the Earth, sitting at the center of the universe, the moon, sun and planets orbiting it in perfect circles, and the fixed sphere of the stars that bound the universe. Heaven, outside the sphere of the stars, will last though.

      1. mereoblivion

        So when Disney World finds out it ain't just them will we be treated to a spontaneous performance of Orlando Furioso?

    2. Not_So_Much

      With any luck, it just means Arizona, Texas and South Carolina. But I'd also be cool with all of Utah being raised up outta here. Whatevs — as long as it's gone.

  4. bumfug

    Kids, kids, kids…think how much fun you'll have out by the pool this summer with your parents stuck in heaven.

  5. loulouroo

    Obama is interfering with the Rapture! How dare he! You know when it doesn't happen it'll be all HIS fault.

  6. GuanoFaucet

    Newt should just quit now. There hasn't been a launch this bad since the Challenger.

    1. easynewz

      Or the Titanic.

      He can't quit though. Just think of the resultant comedy vacuum.

      WON'T SOMEONE THINK OF THE COMEDIANS??!!11!!

  7. Barb

    Nope, the rapture ain't happening. I just upgraded my seats for the McCartney concert on June 10th.

    1. DaRooster

      So you say it is being postponed until June 9th? Either way I won't see my birfday on the 17th… guess I'll have to celebrate from now TILL then…

      1. Barb

        I want the world to still be around for your birthday. Tomorrow, May 21st would have been my mom's birthday. My sis will dig around her rat's nest and pull mom's ashes out and call me all freaking day to depress me. I'll probably just wish the world would end just to get away from the whining. Funny aside, Nancy always asks if I want a copy of mom's birf certificate. Why, I ain't running for POTUS?

        1. DaRooster

          "BARB'S MOM'S ASHES 2012!" (she has birth certificate!)
          (Sorry… can't help it… I kinda suck today… as you'll see below. Turns out my kid is in jail but hey, I'm sure somehow its my fault 'cuz I went to jail when I was young and stupid too… or some shit)
          Good luck tomorrow (I'll have a drink for your Momz… 'cuz I need a reason). Hope we all see each other on Monday!

          1. Barb

            Hilarious! Thanks! I hope your kid is going to be okay.
            I've never been to jail. Damn, I'm boring as hell.

          2. DaRooster

            Well since he wore out all his "Welcomes" with friends and families… at least he has "3 hots and a cot"… as we used to say.

          3. Barb

            My daughter Victoria is like that. Face of an angel, mouth of a teamster. She alienates all family members, but me. "Nicky" and "Paris" called me on Mother's Day to say that Vic called Christine "an asshole" on Facebook. I'm furious that she singled Chris out. Everyone on FB is an asshole.

          4. Barb

            I love it, GOP! My answer to everything today and tomorrow is going to be "it's not the end of the world" "Mom, I can't find my keys" "it's not the end of the world"

          5. DaRooster

            I read that as "Everyone IN FB is an asshole"

            Since that is the abbreviation for where I live… it kinda fits… but I do agree… Facebook sucks.

  8. widestanceroman

    But, isn't Newt quoting something Newt said on Sunday, thus it is a falsehood? Is this auto libel? I expect him to end his campaign any minute now, and oh lord yes, let there be tears.

  9. Mumbletypeg

    Regarding the rapture orphans — I foresee another media-pimp-worthy scenario unfolding if they play their cards right. "WHere in the World Are My Raptured Parents?" If they can come up with a twist more harebrained than the Balloon Boy's folks as to where the religulous parents may be discovered holed up? Welcome to your 15 minutes of shameless fame.

  10. Lascauxcaveman

    The story on the rapture-parent kids reminds me of Otto trying to get his go-to-Europe money from his parents in Repo Man. It was funnier in the movie.

    I missed this part in earlier stories: "Nonbelievers will endure five months of plagues, quakes, wars, famine and general torment before the planet’s total destruction in October."

    So, it's really same-ol' same-ol' for the next five months, it seems. Saturday is going to be a real let down, I tell you.

    1. CapeClod

      Don't forget the world-wide earthquake that happens immediately after the raptured ones all leave.

      1. BarryOPotter

        Don't forget the world-wide earthquake that happens immediately after the raptured ones all leave.

        That'll be the earth bouncing back once all that blubber is off her surface. Who knew rock was so elastic…

  11. baconzgood

    Israel cares for nothing but peace…. I couldn't even type that with a strait face.

  12. SexySmurf

    He has disrespected Israel and undermined its ability to negotiate peace.

    Yeah, Obama, it's only been 60 years. Give them some time.

  13. mrpuma2u

    Ugh, when will cons stop shilling for the US neighborhood bully-for-hire Israel?!?!?!? Or should I say, Oy gevalt!!! Please let Mittens go the west bank on a fact finding mission, and get hit by rock thrown by a militant jewish settler. Problem is, Mittens doesn't have the guts to actually go and see what is up, he can just make whiny-ass meaningless rants.

    1. ttommyunger

      …"whiny-ass…" The perfect adjectives for the Magic-Pantied Mittster, couple it with "thin skinned" and you've said it all. Works fine for those who prefer more icing than cake.

  14. gef05

    "He has disrespected Israel and undermined its ability to negotiate peace."

    Yep, what Obama did was far worse than Israel's extra-judicial killings, their unlawful, homicidal, boat raids, their shelling of civilian homes, their bulldozer diplomacy, etc etc.

    Why wont Obama respect these Israeli shows of peace?

  15. horsedreamer_1

    Netanyahu, you & Likkud should have worked harder to make sure HCA failed. Then, Obama would be too weak to do anything internationally, visavis settlements & statehood.

  16. Poindexter718

    CORREX, Mittens: Barry tried to throw Israel under the bus but it never came b/c an embittered, landless and suicidal Palastinian blew it up. So, instead, he threw it under an IDF bulldozer.

  17. freakishlywrong

    No snarky. I feel sorry for those damn kids who would be better off wards of the State. Fuck those fundie parents.

    1. CapeClod

      At least on Sunday they can say, "Oh, and that 'I know better than you do shit?' I don't ever want to hear that again."

      1. freakishlywrong

        On Sunday, these assholes will probably drag them off to church, blaming them for being left behind.

    2. riverside68

      Somebody's 'rents are gonna have national level poop on their faces come Sunday.

      Good for the kids for understanding their parents are wacked. I grew up with kids who believed their parents end-of-the-world shit. These kids had to grow up early, but it sounds like they got a chance at having their own life.

    3. Lascauxcaveman

      I prefer to look a the upside: these kids are obviously smarter than their parents.

      This is why I'm not panicking about the future of religion in America. If it survives at all, in a hundred years it's going to look a lot more like Unitarianism with a healthy jolt of Buddhism and some Wiccan for added flavor. Pretty harmless, really.

      1. SorosBot

        And some new religions; I truly expect the rise of Oprahism at some point after her death for one.

        1. Lascauxcaveman

          Oh, they'll come and go, for sure. That's who we are as a people. Remember when everybody was into the South Beach Diet? Before that (or after, I can't remember which) it was Atkins.

    4. GOPCrusher

      I'm not the best parent in the world, but what kind of an asshole tells their 16 yr old daughter that they aren't going to Heaven?
      Oh wait, fundamentalists. I retract the question.

    1. Gopherit

      but he changed his mind and that means the first time doesn't count……even if he hasn't disavowed it really.

  18. freakishlywrong

    Uh…Israel been under the bus for over a decade now. The 1967 shit was supported under Clinton AND The Decider. Get your hypocrisy straight, fucktards.

  19. SorosBot

    How dare the President suggest that Israel is not 100% in the right in whatever it does to the Palestinians, according our nation's media apartheid and genocide are perfectly OK against Muslims.

  20. Sue4466

    Newt also said it was no better for folks on the right to tell people how to live their lives than it was for folks on the left. Does that mean he's going to come out as pro-choice and in favor of same-sex marriage?

    Waiting . . .

    1. ttommyunger

      He has previously disavowed all of his previous positions and statements, Sue; get with it or GTFO! :)

  21. Weenus299

    Bibi knows that if he concedes to Palestinian statehood that he will be shot, and it will hurt.

  22. donner_froh

    Mittens says: The President is acting like a responsible world leader in trying to set realistic goals for peace in the Middle East.

    This madness must stop.

  23. mumbly_joe

    ISRAEL IS A PERFECT ANGEL WHO CAN DO NO WRONG, BRO

    There's probably a Trig joke somewhere in here, but damned if I can figure it out.

  24. proudgrampa

    Sometimes I think we should just nuke the Middle East. Let God sort 'em out.

    Romney, Fudge Packer: good times!

  25. DaRooster

    "…he challenges mean ol’ Obama to a fistfight."

    Yeah, that's a good idea… just don't hit him below the belt O… you'll break your wrist due to magic panties.

  26. ThundercatHo

    Article in our local paper about an atheist who is charging $175 to recue unraptured pets. Wonder how much he would charge to rescue the rapture orphans?

  27. BerkeleyBear

    I feel for the kids whose folks think the end of the world is coming. But at the same time, I wish all the Fundie Christians would set a date for the second coming/rebuilding of the Temple, so when it didn't happen at least a few of them would stop this bullshit about how supporting the UN created state of Israel has anything to do with biblical prophecy. If that happened, and the Middle East was a tiny bit less crazy overall, we might finally be able to have a meaningful conversation about the Palestine/Israel situation. Or at least cut the IDF subsidy to a less insane amount for them to take on people with homemade rockets and just plain rocks.

  28. DaRooster

    “I don’t really have any motivation to try to figure out what I want to do anymore, because my main support line, my parents, don’t care.”

    This really irks me… I have no idea where kids get their line of thought these days. So you're saying that YOU shouldn't work towards any goals because THEY have given up on you… nice excuse. I have heard this for the past 10 years… how many times have you seen your parents working on something (weeding, washing the car, etc…) and stood and WATCHED… and then asked if you could have some money to go to the movies? I even have been blamed for lost golf balls…"If you didn't teach me to golf this never would have happened!" What? So parents are to blame if they show interest and teach you OR if they mistakenly think you will have something figured out (you don't ask for help) and you don't achieve something? Cut the crap!
    (To be fair… his Mom was full of entitlement too)

    Sorry all… Happy Rapture…

    1. ttommyunger

      "'I feel God's hand in decision that I am going to announce' …" Herman, we all know whose hand is up your ass moving your mouth and it sure ain't God's.

  29. kissawookiee

    If the lost tribes of Israel are Native Americans, are the Palestinians the Bureau of Indian Affairs in Mormon Bizarro World? Does that make Netanyahu Sitting Bull or General Custer? I am so confused.

  30. teebob2000

    I hope somebody's gonna have those kids on Saturday night other than their parents, so they don't try to poison them when the fucking world *DOESN'T* end.

  31. DahBoner

    What's the difference between Mormons and Jews?

    Mormons think Blacks should ride at the back of the bus and Jews think women should….

  32. glamourdammerung

    I can think of a few billion reasons a year that gives us a right to tell Israel to stop screwing around.

  33. El Pinche

    Why the hell does Mittens or Beck care about the Israelites? To Mormons, aren't Jews some reject space alien race designed to swab up a Mormon's man wet spot between wifeswapping, or something?

  34. smitallica

    Yes, Mitt, Obama undermined Israel's ability to negotiate peace by suggesting they adhere to the only condition under which negotiating peace could ever be possible.

    Right-wing logic at its finest.

  35. DustBowlBlues

    I don't twitter, but I have an account (how the fuck did that happen?) and because I defy all recommendations and use the same basic passwords everywhere, I managed to get into it just to "follow" the {struggles to type twee–is almost there, gags and deletes it} updates of Dan Murphy of the CSM, my favorite foreign correspondent. (I respect him so much I'm going to let the inevitable pretend boyfriend comment pass. You're welcome, Dan.)

    So I'm stealing this from him:
    bungdan: ignorant pundits: At lst start having obama metaphorically throw things under backhoes, or tanks, or barcaloungers. Why the "bus" obsession?

    Me again: DM had me at the correct use of "metaphorically."

  36. Gleem_McShineys

    Not that I believe in hell, but there ought to be an especially unpleasant place for people who are intent on making fools of themselves in public.

    I think there might be a hell: it's called their house, this Sunday Morning.

    Knock Knock!
    Who's there?
    You, still, assmunches!

  37. JustPixelz

    Before 1967, the West Bank was part of Jordan and Gaza was part of Egypt. Neither wanted the Palestinians back. Kinda tells you what their fellow Arabs think of them. I guess it would be like if Mexico took over Arizona (hint, hint) and we kinda sit back and say "Hate to see you leave the nest Arizona, but we know you'll be alright on your own." Then quickly move to a one bedroom condo with a doorman.

  38. Thurman Munster IV

    Isn't it 6:00 tomorrow afternoon somewhere in the world yet? Guamians don't wear much clothing, so it'll be hard to tell if it's the rapture there.

  39. natoslug

    The world's ending tomorrow — don't forget to fill the next 12 hours with as much unprotected sex as you can! Hopefully my "Bareback'n 4 Jesus" campaign will get off the ground shortly . . .

    1. ttommyunger

      Since I've been riding solo lately, all of my sex is unprotected. Fapping counts, right?

Comments are closed.