Cartoon Violence Forever!

  cartoon violence

By the Comics Curmudgeon
Holy crap! Your Comics Curmudgeon got an email from Jack Stuef about “Retro Day” at Wonkette or some crap like that, and was all like, “Yeah, I could get in on that, good times,” and then Stuef went and did it on Thursday, apparently unaware that Cartoon Violence was always, always written by your Comics Curmudgeon at some ungodly wee hour of Friday morning, so that Pareene or Layne or whoever could put it up the following afternoon. But why not catch the tail excitement of Retro Day by slapping this nonsense up when it was written rather than wait for the half-assed editing job that other people do? Jack won’t be awake and posting until like 11 a.m. anyway. Ha ha, they’ll regret not shutting down the accounts of former contributors now!

It is admittedly true that your beloved Comics Curmudgeon made some kind of drunken boast six months ago that he’d return with the political cartoons biweekly. But you know what? Political cartoons are awful! No, really! And not fun awful, like Mary Worth, but just regular old awful.

So, as soon as I (yes, let’s dispense with the standard Wonkette third person plural/second person singular voice for the moment) started working my boring “real job,” I stopped reading Slate’s political cartoon thingamabob and haven’t looked back since, and lord knows I wasn’t going to ruin my night by wading through that shitshow now. Instead, I will share with my favorite of political cartoons through the years of having done this feature, or at least the ones that always lurk in my mind, in horror. For those of you who don’t remember how this works, click on the thumbnails to make the comics bigger. (Thank God Slate never seems to get rid of any of the files on its image server!)

Having waded through these cartoons through parts of both the Bush and Obama presidency, I can tell you that after 2009 I actually came to sort of … well, not enjoy, exactly, but sort of admire the more conservative ones. Something about being out of power makes the commentary more pointed and interesting I guess. And I’ve always had a soft spot in my heart for Glen McCoy’s characters, with their rounded, weeble-wobble torsos and spindly limbs. Thus, when it comes to this cartoon, which depicts then-Senator Barack Obama in a dumpster behind an abortion clinic, knee deep in fetuses, bashing those that are still squirming in a ghastly parody of life with a baseball bat, I know I should be appalled, and I am, but I also feel something akin to … awe? Yes, maybe awe is the right word.

Speaking of reproductive health issues, here’s a cartoon about an eight-year-old who was fucking her boyfriend and then the condom broke and now she wants the morning-after pill, much to the distress of the pharmacist who is forced by a liberal government to enable her free-loving ways. What a little whore, am I right? Everyone knows that she should be carrying that accident-baby to term, for her sins.

Of course, for real madness, you have go overseas. This Russian cartoon depicts Paul Wolfowitz (ha ha, and remember him, and how Wonkette used to breathlessly report on his dating life? gross!) as some kind of monstrous vampire-vulture-Jew, puking money into the mouth of a sexy nurse/blow-up doll whose legs are suggestively spread apart. This was about, uh, Wolfowitz going to the World Bank, maybe? Does he still do that job? Man, just imagine the things this cartoonist is drawing about Dominique Strauss-Kahn, right now! (Pro tip: do not imagine it, you will scar your brain tissue permanently.)

As a side note, having run a foreign cartoon, this post now doubles up as a revival of The Foreigns.

Oh yeah, and this! We can’t confirm that this political cartoon was actually drawn for Wonkette, but it was emailed to us without much by way of explanation by nationally syndicated cartoonist Jeff Danziger, and doesn’t appear to have been published anywhere else. But what sort of explanation could this require? It’s a cartoon about naked Dick Cheney flushing a semen-filled condom with George Bush’s face on it down the toilet, and it should probably replace the long-outdated American flag.

Anyway, that’s about all of this as I can handle, because unlike my carefree blogging days, I actually have to get up for a respectable job in the morning. See you in hell, suckers! And by “hell,” I obviously mean “Apartment 3-G.

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About the author

Josh was born and raised in Buffalo, New York, leaving him with a love of chicken wings and a tendency to say “pop”. He taught ancient Greek and Roman history to undergraduates before fleeing from academia in terror; worked for a failed San Francisco dot-com that neglected to supply him with stock options or an Aeron chair; lived in Berlin, where he mostly ate Indian and Ethiopian food; finished in third place on his sole Jeopardy! appearance (the correct answer was “Golda Meir”); and was named 2007 Blogger of the Year by The Week, for obvious reasons. Josh is the creator/editor of COMICS CURMUDGEON (which you should read) and does geeky editing and writing about geeky things such as "the Java programming industry for JavaWorld." He lives in Baltimore with his wife Amber and his cat Hoagie.

View all articles by Josh Fruhlinger

Hola wonkerados.

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106 comments

  1. Barb

    Okay, after reading this maybe the world is going to end tomorrow. Someone, please hold me.

      1. ttommyunger

        If you were as smart as Cornel West thinks he is, you would know that it is enough to hug oneself.

  2. chascates

    Thanks Josh! Seeing Chuck Asay makes me realize even art can be so easily twisted to the Dark Side.

  3. bumfug

    If I thought for a minute that Dick Cheney could still actually come, I'd rip his fake heart machine out right now.

  4. SorosBot

    As soon as I clicked on the first cartoon and saw how Obama was badly characterized, I knew it was Glenn McCoy. And I knew that because Josh exposed me to so much of his vile work. Damn, I miss the Friday commentary on the cartoons (but not the cartoons themselves, which mostly sucked).

    1. ArmoredBore

      Oh… that's the same guy who drew The Duplex? That would explain my consistent feeling of revulsion.

  5. fartknocker

    Rapture is tomorrow. I look forward to the new forward death cycle.

    If it doesn't work out, I will see you all as I am looking forward to the new season of Ice Road Truckers.

    1. MadBrahms

      If the truckers are rhapsod-ized, who will deliver supplies to the diamond mines? And what will we watch on TV? Ohgod this whole apocalypse thing is so complicated!

      Also, "Forward, Death Cycle!" is now the name of new my post-rock band.

      1. ganmerlad

        Since God grades on sincerity (or so I am told), for sure everyone who works at Fox News will still be here on Sunday…so there will be at least ONE channel we can watch.

  6. fuflans

    i kid you not josh i teared up when i saw your logo.

    and then i saw that cheney cartoon again.

    and now, there is no desolation grand enough to compete. not even rapture ™.

  7. Nixon_So_Fine

    O! So sad…come back, Comics Curmudgeon! Needs moar Riley, and Comics Curmudgeon! Needs moar Riley and Josh. The End.

  8. nounverb911

    Well if the rupture does happen, then the Yankees won't be able to sweep the Mets this weekend. Too bad.

    BTW, was that Bristol Palin in the second cartoon?

    1. Lascauxcaveman

      Well if the rupture does happen, then the Yankees won't be able to sweep the Mets this weekend.

      What if it happened the other way? That really would be a sign of the Apocalypse, wouldn't it?

  9. fuflans

    Ha ha, they’ll regret not shutting down the accounts of former contributors now!

    Lay on, Macduff,
    And damn'd be him that first cries, 'Hold, enough!'

    1. James Michael Curley

      All MacBeth's problems could have been solved by a timely Planned Parenthood abortion.

  10. Biel_ze_Bubba

    There's a special place in Hell for dicks like McCoy, where demons stab red-hot fountain pens into his eyes for eternity. On his good days.

    1. Naked_Bunny

      Actually, it's dudes like McCoy who are most likely Rapture targets. Aren't you glad you read Wonkette, and therefore are disqualified from going to Heaven?

      1. Biel_ze_Bubba

        I'd rather laugh with the sinners than cry with the saints — the sinners are much more fuuun…

        Actually, these hate-filled fundies are a lot like the Islamaniacs: convinced they're going to heaven, even as they pave their personal highways to hell.

    2. Swampgas_Man

      Sheeeeeeeit, compared to Chuck Asshole, I mean Assay, McCoy is a sweetheart.

      Forgotten how much I missed Cartoon Violence; yet I understand Josh's decision not to scuba-dive into the cesspool once again.

  11. Negropolis

    excitement of Retro Day

    Does not compute.

    However…

    knee deep in fetuses

    this is why I keep coming back to Wonkette? Where else could I hear the "knee deep in fetuses" in a sentence?

      1. horsedreamer_1

        There's a Planned Parenthood outlet* in a strip-mall (that also features a Thai restaurant) in my hometown. I cannot begin to imagine how the dumpsters smell.

        *Truth be told, they don't do any abortions at that PP facility. But I don't Pap Smears smell any better.

        1. Negropolis

          The PP clinic in my hometown is actually part of a busy, open-air mall. It's in the same plaza with a jewelry store, a video store, and a number of restaurants (Chinese, American, Middle Eastern, just to name a few).

  12. Negropolis

    How many dead babies can you fit into an industrial sized dumpster?

    Silly goose, as many as can fit.

  13. littlebigdaddy

    I like how, in addition to the obvious abortion reference, the first comic nicely evokes some timeless themes: black guy in a ´´very urban´´ setting, in a dumpster, with a baseball bat. So, even if the dumpster is not chock-a-block with fetuses, the cartoon reminds us to be afraid of black men with baseball bats. Brilliant!

        1. Biel_ze_Bubba

          Nah… Papi is "Powered by Snickers™" (you can tell from the side effects.)

  14. easynewz

    I lurvs me some political cartoons. And let's not forget the savage lampooning of Dubya, after all.

    Hell, even the first prez had to endure them.

  15. ganmerlad

    Truly Retro: The earliest political cartoons were by the Egyptians. They drew them everywhere. Outside, inside, on the ceiling. Most of them are terrible. IE: "Kneeling guy, open hand, wads of cash in a different hand, bread, wine, chariot, house, prostitute, ballot box, ibis, mountain, arm." What kind of punch line is that?! Slate cartoons are gold by comparison.

    1. BZ1

      I'm peeved, you totally disregard the original cave cartoons???!!! When Og rode the dino and "brought it home" with the whimsical, "here's the beef" comment…

    2. MadBrahms

      Then there's the one of black Pharaoh throwing the children of Israel down a well, delighting in their screams.

      Wait, that was a Glen McCoy cartoon? My Egyptology class sucked.

  16. Extemporanus

    NICE MOVE, DICKFACE!

    When I first caught sight of that hugely comforting, hypertrophy-cocked "Comics Curmudgeon" cartoon, my heavy, cold heart convulsed with…joy?

    I thought to myself, "YAY! Josh Fruhlinger has once again come crawling back to our Wonkette to occasionally WIN THE MORNING, just as he did almost exactly one year and one month ago today!"

    Alas, you only went six months back, though I suppose I can understand why: Everybody knows you never go full retro.

    (Well, everybody but Simple Jack, that is…)

  17. Serolf_Divad

    Just a quick note of caution: don't flush your condoms down the toilet. Because when the plumber finally gets the damned thing unstopped and explains what was causing it to back up all this time, you're going to have to come up with some pretty creative shit to convince your wife (who's on the pill) not to serve you with divorce papers.

      1. bflrtsplk

        Tried that one once a couple years back. Still pickin' pieces of that antique serving dish we got for a wedding present out of my skull.

    1. Terry

      True story. An old friend used to work at a restaurant in New Orleans that shared a building with an, uh, exotic dance establishment. Monday mornings, they'd draw straws to see who had to snakes the toilets to clear the latex items blocking the shared outflow pipes. That is not exactly what you think of when you dream of being a chef.

    2. SheriffRoscoe

      Tell her you use them for jerking off. Tell her they enhance the experience. She's a chick, what would she know?

      Also, cum back Josh! I miss you soooo much!

    3. ttommyunger

      New told me he swallows his, but he told me not to quote him, because it was a lie and all, also, too.

    1. Naked_Bunny

      What? You didn't notice the new single-payer healthcare system, the end of unprovoked military invasions, the dismantling of the surveillance state, and federal recognition of gay marriage?

      Perhaps you were distracted by Kentucky giving $40 million in tax breaks to Ken Ham's Ark Park.

      1. ifthethunderdontgetya

        Not to mention, those Bush tax cuts for the rich, which are gone, just like Bush. And I can hardly wait to see what gets cut in the Democratic 'compromise' with Ryan and company.
        ~

    2. Negropolis

      Yeah, this is definitely an "out of power in what respect, Charlie?" kind of dealy.

  18. freakishlywrong

    I love me some Josh, he introduced me to the term "yiff pile", which still makes me smile. The cartoons however are horrific. Way too much hate out there. Hopefully, they'll be snatched up in the rapture and leave us to better days.

  19. CapeClod

    I don't usually associate the word "comic" with a picture of a man bashing in the heads of fetuses with a baseball bat, but then I also don't associate the word "artist" with work that looks like the scibblings of a fifth grader.

    1. ttommyunger

      Loosen up, Cape. "Artists" come in all shapes, sizes and varieties. I've known several Blowjob Artists and they've never even been paid for their art, so far as I know.

        1. ttommyunger

          You're welcome. Hell, I've even been referred to as an “artist” from time to time…Of the Bullshit variety, unfortunately.

  20. James Michael Curley

    What Josh characterizes as a blow up doll actually looks like a Sesame Street character. Doesn't change the impact of the cartoon.

  21. HempDogbane

    "catch the tail excitement." Yeah, as if Wonketeers need that reminder.

    Also, Rapture and interleague play both tomorrow. No more designated hitters.

  22. Weenus299

    OMG I fuckin' Love Comicks. Newspapers would rebound if they put in more comics than words in there.

    1. ArmoredBore

      Because the sole purpose of an abortion is to kill a "baby" for the sake of killing someone, just to revel in the destruction of innocent life. Why, I just came back from a hilarious abortion I had during my lunch break, as is the wont of filthy LIEbruls like me!

  23. riverside68

    Is it an intertubes sin to admit I would gladly succumb to a paywall and turn over my maxed out credit card number for mor cartoon violence?

    If that is wrong I don't want to be right.

    That is the strongest statement I can imagine of my lov of the Josh.

    What a great way to end Retro day, I am ready for the rapture now.

  24. Oblios_Cap

    I fucking hate Lisa Benson. There are no redeeming qualities in any of her cartoons.

  25. prommie

    Is this true, about the Cheney cartoon, is this a Danziger, done especially for Wonkette? Its the single most brutal political cartoon I have ever seen, there is nothing "cartoonish" about it, its more like Maus, whereas the Russian Wolfowitz cartoon is extremely "cartoonish."

    1. riverside68

      He is as serious as a heart attack.

      (Sorry I couldn't resist.)

      You know how stand-up comedians turned out for Aristocrats and everyone else threw up? This is the cartoonist version of Aristocrates: The shit they draw late at night that they know will never be published.

        1. Ducksworthy

          I suspect he realized this was the only place that would publish it. Outside of some Larry Flynt vehicle that is.

  26. Steverino247

    Imagine the face of the downfister when Cheney grunts into his ear as he fills that condom.

    1. riverside68

      Whoever said there were no good old days wasn't around when the Paultards were a crazy fringe group, as opposed to being in control of the House of Representives.

      Another great blast from the past. Great adventures are often best enjoyed in the re-telling.

    1. Doktor Zoom

      Forget it, Mr 9pm Wed. 11/15/06, anal assaulting cortisol flooding terrorist, I WILL GET YOUR NAME!

  27. Ken Layne

    Oh Josh, this made me happy! I do not want to re-live the past five+ years, but these are the parts I want to remember. Especially the parts flushed down the toilet and beaten with a baseball bat by that street thug/dumpster diver.

  28. PsycWench

    No matter how bad some of these might be, they're better than anything tossed out by that Mallard Fillmore guy.

  29. proudgrampa

    I always enoyed Josh' commentary, but I never cared for the political cartoons themselves. Just too damn depressing, I guess…

  30. donner_froh

    Must be careful when reading the Comics Curmudgeon–clicking on a link that takes you to Apartment 3-G or Gil Thorp might mean spending an hour laughing when you could be wasting time working.

    1. sezme

      Indeed. Reading comics curmudgeon at work makes me laugh too loud. Wonkette is better because it makes me cry.

  31. Ducksworthy

    The right wing political cartons just really let the hatred shine through. If we'd paid more attention we could have seen the Teabagger Revolution coming years ago.

  32. Worthly[♬♪♬♪♫♪♬]Skum

    For clarity's sake, the Cheney cartoon should add the following:

    the toilet bowl should be labeled "American Exceptionalism";
    the toilet talk should be labeled "Big Oil";
    the toilet shut-off value should be labeled "Debt Ceiling";
    Cheney's butt flaps should be label "Far Left" and "Far Right";
    Cheney's left-handed Boy Scout salute should be embedded in a nubile Boy Scout;
    Jesus should be flying though the frame riding a majestic, teary, American eagle.

    Hope this helps.

  33. ttommyunger

    I have several professional cartoonists friends on facebook. They have lively minds and are keen to communicate their thoughts. I repost their work frequently because they can do with a glance what might otherwise take several paragraphs to communicate accurately. I admire their work but hope they don't insist on being classified as "artists"; that would put them in Cornel West territory, ego-wise.

Comments are closed.