CARTOON VIOLENCE  10:30 am May 21, 2011

Cartoon Violence Forever!

by Josh Fruhlinger

By the Comics Curmudgeon
Holy crap! Your Comics Curmudgeon got an email from Jack Stuef about “Retro Day” at Wonkette or some crap like that, and was all like, “Yeah, I could get in on that, good times,” and then Stuef went and did it on Thursday, apparently unaware that Cartoon Violence was always, always written by your Comics Curmudgeon at some ungodly wee hour of Friday morning, so that Pareene or Layne or whoever could put it up the following afternoon. But why not catch the tail excitement of Retro Day by slapping this nonsense up when it was written rather than wait for the half-assed editing job that other people do? Jack won’t be awake and posting until like 11 a.m. anyway. Ha ha, they’ll regret not shutting down the accounts of former contributors now!

It is admittedly true that your beloved Comics Curmudgeon made some kind of drunken boast six months ago that he’d return with the political cartoons biweekly. But you know what? Political cartoons are awful! No, really! And not fun awful, like Mary Worth, but just regular old awful.

So, as soon as I (yes, let’s dispense with the standard Wonkette third person plural/second person singular voice for the moment) started working my boring “real job,” I stopped reading Slate’s political cartoon thingamabob and haven’t looked back since, and lord knows I wasn’t going to ruin my night by wading through that shitshow now. Instead, I will share with my favorite of political cartoons through the years of having done this feature, or at least the ones that always lurk in my mind, in horror. For those of you who don’t remember how this works, click on the thumbnails to make the comics bigger. (Thank God Slate never seems to get rid of any of the files on its image server!)

Having waded through these cartoons through parts of both the Bush and Obama presidency, I can tell you that after 2009 I actually came to sort of … well, not enjoy, exactly, but sort of admire the more conservative ones. Something about being out of power makes the commentary more pointed and interesting I guess. And I’ve always had a soft spot in my heart for Glen McCoy’s characters, with their rounded, weeble-wobble torsos and spindly limbs. Thus, when it comes to this cartoon, which depicts then-Senator Barack Obama in a dumpster behind an abortion clinic, knee deep in fetuses, bashing those that are still squirming in a ghastly parody of life with a baseball bat, I know I should be appalled, and I am, but I also feel something akin to … awe? Yes, maybe awe is the right word.

Speaking of reproductive health issues, here’s a cartoon about an eight-year-old who was fucking her boyfriend and then the condom broke and now she wants the morning-after pill, much to the distress of the pharmacist who is forced by a liberal government to enable her free-loving ways. What a little whore, am I right? Everyone knows that she should be carrying that accident-baby to term, for her sins.

Of course, for real madness, you have go overseas. This Russian cartoon depicts Paul Wolfowitz (ha ha, and remember him, and how Wonkette used to breathlessly report on his dating life? gross!) as some kind of monstrous vampire-vulture-Jew, puking money into the mouth of a sexy nurse/blow-up doll whose legs are suggestively spread apart. This was about, uh, Wolfowitz going to the World Bank, maybe? Does he still do that job? Man, just imagine the things this cartoonist is drawing about Dominique Strauss-Kahn, right now! (Pro tip: do not imagine it, you will scar your brain tissue permanently.)

As a side note, having run a foreign cartoon, this post now doubles up as a revival of The Foreigns.

Oh yeah, and this! We can’t confirm that this political cartoon was actually drawn for Wonkette, but it was emailed to us without much by way of explanation by nationally syndicated cartoonist Jeff Danziger, and doesn’t appear to have been published anywhere else. But what sort of explanation could this require? It’s a cartoon about naked Dick Cheney flushing a semen-filled condom with George Bush’s face on it down the toilet, and it should probably replace the long-outdated American flag.

Anyway, that’s about all of this as I can handle, because unlike my carefree blogging days, I actually have to get up for a respectable job in the morning. See you in hell, suckers! And by “hell,” I obviously mean “Apartment 3-G.

 

Hola wonkerados.

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{ 106 comments }

Barb May 20, 2011 at 1:46 am

Okay, after reading this maybe the world is going to end tomorrow. Someone, please hold me.

bumfug May 20, 2011 at 2:05 am

I would but I'd hate to get my vomit all over you.

SorosBot May 20, 2011 at 2:11 am

Well I was just going to hug one of my plastic toys in preparation…

DashboardBuddha May 20, 2011 at 7:57 am

End of the world or not, I have to say you have beautiful eyes. ;-)

horsedreamer_1 May 20, 2011 at 9:07 am

But the hurting's all mine.

Dudleydidwrong May 20, 2011 at 11:00 am

Volunteer!

ttommyunger May 21, 2011 at 3:41 am

If you were as smart as Cornel West thinks he is, you would know that it is enough to hug oneself.

imissopus May 20, 2011 at 1:49 am

I didn't realize how much I missed the Comics Curmudgeon until just now. Come back, Josh! All is forgiven!

chascates May 20, 2011 at 1:55 am

Thanks Josh! Seeing Chuck Asay makes me realize even art can be so easily twisted to the Dark Side.

bumfug May 20, 2011 at 2:06 am

If I thought for a minute that Dick Cheney could still actually come, I'd rip his fake heart machine out right now.

SorosBot May 20, 2011 at 2:09 am

As soon as I clicked on the first cartoon and saw how Obama was badly characterized, I knew it was Glenn McCoy. And I knew that because Josh exposed me to so much of his vile work. Damn, I miss the Friday commentary on the cartoons (but not the cartoons themselves, which mostly sucked).

ArmoredBore May 20, 2011 at 4:32 pm

Oh… that's the same guy who drew The Duplex? That would explain my consistent feeling of revulsion.

fartknocker May 20, 2011 at 2:24 am

Rapture is tomorrow. I look forward to the new forward death cycle.

If it doesn't work out, I will see you all as I am looking forward to the new season of Ice Road Truckers.

fuflans May 20, 2011 at 2:32 am

rapture is SATURDAY.

oh, right that's now tomorrow.

sorry. carry on.

MadBrahms May 20, 2011 at 12:13 pm

If the truckers are rhapsod-ized, who will deliver supplies to the diamond mines? And what will we watch on TV? Ohgod this whole apocalypse thing is so complicated!

Also, "Forward, Death Cycle!" is now the name of new my post-rock band.

ganmerlad May 20, 2011 at 1:02 pm

Since God grades on sincerity (or so I am told), for sure everyone who works at Fox News will still be here on Sunday…so there will be at least ONE channel we can watch.

fuflans May 20, 2011 at 2:35 am

i kid you not josh i teared up when i saw your logo.

and then i saw that cheney cartoon again.

and now, there is no desolation grand enough to compete. not even rapture ™.

Nixon_So_Fine May 20, 2011 at 2:35 am

O! So sad…come back, Comics Curmudgeon! Needs moar Riley, and Comics Curmudgeon! Needs moar Riley and Josh. The End.

nounverb911 May 20, 2011 at 2:36 am

Well if the rupture does happen, then the Yankees won't be able to sweep the Mets this weekend. Too bad.

BTW, was that Bristol Palin in the second cartoon?

Lascauxcaveman May 20, 2011 at 10:58 am

Well if the rupture does happen, then the Yankees won't be able to sweep the Mets this weekend.

What if it happened the other way? That really would be a sign of the Apocalypse, wouldn't it?

iburl May 20, 2011 at 2:43 am

Yay Curmudgeon! We need our cartoon violence.

fuflans May 20, 2011 at 2:44 am

Ha ha, they’ll regret not shutting down the accounts of former contributors now!

Lay on, Macduff,
And damn'd be him that first cries, 'Hold, enough!'

James Michael Curley May 20, 2011 at 9:32 am

All MacBeth's problems could have been solved by a timely Planned Parenthood abortion.

Biel_ze_Bubba May 20, 2011 at 2:52 am

There's a special place in Hell for dicks like McCoy, where demons stab red-hot fountain pens into his eyes for eternity. On his good days.

Naked_Bunny May 20, 2011 at 8:01 am

Actually, it's dudes like McCoy who are most likely Rapture targets. Aren't you glad you read Wonkette, and therefore are disqualified from going to Heaven?

Biel_ze_Bubba May 20, 2011 at 9:01 am

I'd rather laugh with the sinners than cry with the saints — the sinners are much more fuuun…

Actually, these hate-filled fundies are a lot like the Islamaniacs: convinced they're going to heaven, even as they pave their personal highways to hell.

LetUsBray May 20, 2011 at 10:08 am

…and do their level best to take the rest of us with them.

Swampgas_Man May 20, 2011 at 10:43 am

Sheeeeeeeit, compared to Chuck Asshole, I mean Assay, McCoy is a sweetheart.

Forgotten how much I missed Cartoon Violence; yet I understand Josh's decision not to scuba-dive into the cesspool once again.

Negropolis May 20, 2011 at 3:12 am

excitement of Retro Day

Does not compute.

However…

knee deep in fetuses

this is why I keep coming back to Wonkette? Where else could I hear the "knee deep in fetuses" in a sentence?

Naked_Bunny May 20, 2011 at 8:02 am

Tea Party rally?

Negropolis May 20, 2011 at 8:18 am

Damn. You're correct. Hadn't thought of that one.

Monsieur_Grumpe May 20, 2011 at 9:02 am

Cleaning day at a Planned Parenthood clinic?

horsedreamer_1 May 20, 2011 at 9:10 am

There's a Planned Parenthood outlet* in a strip-mall (that also features a Thai restaurant) in my hometown. I cannot begin to imagine how the dumpsters smell.

*Truth be told, they don't do any abortions at that PP facility. But I don't Pap Smears smell any better.

Negropolis May 20, 2011 at 10:12 pm

The PP clinic in my hometown is actually part of a busy, open-air mall. It's in the same plaza with a jewelry store, a video store, and a number of restaurants (Chinese, American, Middle Eastern, just to name a few).

BornInATrailer May 20, 2011 at 10:04 am

A Santorum family reunion?

(That's right, I fucking went there.)

Negropolis May 20, 2011 at 3:23 am

How many dead babies can you fit into an industrial sized dumpster?

Silly goose, as many as can fit.

Naked_Bunny May 20, 2011 at 8:04 am
littlebigdaddy May 20, 2011 at 5:04 am

I like how, in addition to the obvious abortion reference, the first comic nicely evokes some timeless themes: black guy in a ´´very urban´´ setting, in a dumpster, with a baseball bat. So, even if the dumpster is not chock-a-block with fetuses, the cartoon reminds us to be afraid of black men with baseball bats. Brilliant!

Biel_ze_Bubba May 20, 2011 at 9:02 am

David Ortiz is scary … if you're a MLB pitcher.

horsedreamer_1 May 20, 2011 at 9:10 am

Or a buffet.

Biel_ze_Bubba May 20, 2011 at 9:45 am

You're thinking of C.C. Sabathia. No bat.

GOPCrusher May 20, 2011 at 12:49 pm

Big Poopy hasn't been scary since he fell off his HGH cycle.

Biel_ze_Bubba May 21, 2011 at 7:14 am

Nah… Papi is "Powered by Snickers™" (you can tell from the side effects.)

James Michael Curley May 20, 2011 at 9:33 am

And Fat, Pasty White, Greasy Lipped New Jersey Governors.

easynewz May 20, 2011 at 5:19 am

I lurvs me some political cartoons. And let's not forget the savage lampooning of Dubya, after all.

Hell, even the first prez had to endure them.

ganmerlad May 20, 2011 at 5:50 am

Truly Retro: The earliest political cartoons were by the Egyptians. They drew them everywhere. Outside, inside, on the ceiling. Most of them are terrible. IE: "Kneeling guy, open hand, wads of cash in a different hand, bread, wine, chariot, house, prostitute, ballot box, ibis, mountain, arm." What kind of punch line is that?! Slate cartoons are gold by comparison.

BZ1 May 20, 2011 at 8:55 am

I'm peeved, you totally disregard the original cave cartoons???!!! When Og rode the dino and "brought it home" with the whimsical, "here's the beef" comment…

Lascauxcaveman May 20, 2011 at 11:02 am

"Cartoons"?!

*harumph*

Gleem_McShineys May 20, 2011 at 2:39 pm

Ingeous Novels?

Biel_ze_Bubba May 20, 2011 at 9:04 am

That's hilarious! It's an ibis, don't you get it? LOL!

James Michael Curley May 20, 2011 at 9:35 am

Sounds like the pictoglyph version of Bush v. Gore.

MadBrahms May 20, 2011 at 12:18 pm

Then there's the one of black Pharaoh throwing the children of Israel down a well, delighting in their screams.

Wait, that was a Glen McCoy cartoon? My Egyptology class sucked.

Biel_ze_Bubba May 21, 2011 at 7:18 am

Both. McCoy is a on old, wrinkled crank …. really old.

Extemporanus May 20, 2011 at 6:43 am

NICE MOVE, DICKFACE!

When I first caught sight of that hugely comforting, hypertrophy-cocked "Comics Curmudgeon" cartoon, my heavy, cold heart convulsed with…joy?

I thought to myself, "YAY! Josh Fruhlinger has once again come crawling back to our Wonkette to occasionally WIN THE MORNING, just as he did almost exactly one year and one month ago today!"

Alas, you only went six months back, though I suppose I can understand why: Everybody knows you never go full retro.

(Well, everybody but Simple Jack, that is…)

Serolf_Divad May 20, 2011 at 6:51 am

Just a quick note of caution: don't flush your condoms down the toilet. Because when the plumber finally gets the damned thing unstopped and explains what was causing it to back up all this time, you're going to have to come up with some pretty creative shit to convince your wife (who's on the pill) not to serve you with divorce papers.

Extemporanus May 20, 2011 at 7:09 am

Two words: "drug mule".

My wife buys it every time.

bflrtsplk May 20, 2011 at 7:54 am

Tried that one once a couple years back. Still pickin' pieces of that antique serving dish we got for a wedding present out of my skull.

Terry May 20, 2011 at 8:36 am

True story. An old friend used to work at a restaurant in New Orleans that shared a building with an, uh, exotic dance establishment. Monday mornings, they'd draw straws to see who had to snakes the toilets to clear the latex items blocking the shared outflow pipes. That is not exactly what you think of when you dream of being a chef.

GOPCrusher May 20, 2011 at 12:52 pm

They always leave that part out on Anthony Bourdain: No Reservations.

Biel_ze_Bubba May 20, 2011 at 9:09 am

Still better than Arnold's approach.

SheriffRoscoe May 20, 2011 at 11:14 am

Tell her you use them for jerking off. Tell her they enhance the experience. She's a chick, what would she know?

Also, cum back Josh! I miss you soooo much!

MadBrahms May 20, 2011 at 12:23 pm

Also, because they float to the surface at the water treatment plant and then float out on to Lake Michigan in clumps. And then Wisconsin has to pay some schmuck $52 an hour to fish them out. Rubber socialism!

ttommyunger May 21, 2011 at 3:46 am

New told me he swallows his, but he told me not to quote him, because it was a lie and all, also, too.

freakishlywrong May 20, 2011 at 7:39 am

Conservatives are "out of power"?

Naked_Bunny May 20, 2011 at 8:19 am

What? You didn't notice the new single-payer healthcare system, the end of unprovoked military invasions, the dismantling of the surveillance state, and federal recognition of gay marriage?

Perhaps you were distracted by Kentucky giving $40 million in tax breaks to Ken Ham's Ark Park.

ifthethunderdontgetya May 20, 2011 at 8:32 am

Not to mention, those Bush tax cuts for the rich, which are gone, just like Bush. And I can hardly wait to see what gets cut in the Democratic 'compromise' with Ryan and company.
~

Negropolis May 20, 2011 at 8:38 am

Yeah, this is definitely an "out of power in what respect, Charlie?" kind of dealy.

BZ1 May 20, 2011 at 8:30 am

Is it ruptured day yet?

Terry May 20, 2011 at 8:33 am

Josh! Welcome back! Please consider becoming a regular again.

freakishlywrong May 20, 2011 at 8:54 am

I love me some Josh, he introduced me to the term "yiff pile", which still makes me smile. The cartoons however are horrific. Way too much hate out there. Hopefully, they'll be snatched up in the rapture and leave us to better days.

CapeClod May 20, 2011 at 8:54 am

I don't usually associate the word "comic" with a picture of a man bashing in the heads of fetuses with a baseball bat, but then I also don't associate the word "artist" with work that looks like the scibblings of a fifth grader.

ttommyunger May 21, 2011 at 3:49 am

Loosen up, Cape. "Artists" come in all shapes, sizes and varieties. I've known several Blowjob Artists and they've never even been paid for their art, so far as I know.

CapeClod May 21, 2011 at 5:41 pm

Thank you for keeping it in perspective, Tommy.

ttommyunger May 21, 2011 at 5:47 pm

You're welcome. Hell, I've even been referred to as an “artist” from time to time…Of the Bullshit variety, unfortunately.

James Michael Curley May 20, 2011 at 9:03 am

What Josh characterizes as a blow up doll actually looks like a Sesame Street character. Doesn't change the impact of the cartoon.

Monsieur_Grumpe May 20, 2011 at 9:10 am

Thanks Josh, I had forgotten about that Obama in dumpster cartoon. Your hell will probably include tight living quarters with Mr MCoy. Very tight.

HempDogbane May 20, 2011 at 9:14 am

"catch the tail excitement." Yeah, as if Wonketeers need that reminder.

Also, Rapture and interleague play both tomorrow. No more designated hitters.

Weenus299 May 20, 2011 at 9:18 am

OMG I fuckin' Love Comicks. Newspapers would rebound if they put in more comics than words in there.

superdave May 20, 2011 at 9:23 am

Ugh. That Obama cartoon is horrid.

ArmoredBore May 20, 2011 at 4:29 pm

Because the sole purpose of an abortion is to kill a "baby" for the sake of killing someone, just to revel in the destruction of innocent life. Why, I just came back from a hilarious abortion I had during my lunch break, as is the wont of filthy LIEbruls like me!

mrblifil May 20, 2011 at 9:36 am

I need the Cheney condom bomb on a t-shirt stat…

riverside68 May 20, 2011 at 9:43 am

Is it an intertubes sin to admit I would gladly succumb to a paywall and turn over my maxed out credit card number for mor cartoon violence?

If that is wrong I don't want to be right.

That is the strongest statement I can imagine of my lov of the Josh.

What a great way to end Retro day, I am ready for the rapture now.

Oblios_Cap May 20, 2011 at 9:43 am

I fucking hate Lisa Benson. There are no redeeming qualities in any of her cartoons.

muthalovin May 20, 2011 at 9:49 am

I just ruptured. Thanks Josh!

prommie May 20, 2011 at 9:54 am

Is this true, about the Cheney cartoon, is this a Danziger, done especially for Wonkette? Its the single most brutal political cartoon I have ever seen, there is nothing "cartoonish" about it, its more like Maus, whereas the Russian Wolfowitz cartoon is extremely "cartoonish."

riverside68 May 20, 2011 at 10:19 am

He is as serious as a heart attack.

(Sorry I couldn't resist.)

You know how stand-up comedians turned out for Aristocrats and everyone else threw up? This is the cartoonist version of Aristocrates: The shit they draw late at night that they know will never be published.

Ken Layne May 20, 2011 at 10:41 am

Danziger did send that one to us, and we very proudly (?) published it here.

Ducksworthy May 20, 2011 at 11:50 am

I suspect he realized this was the only place that would publish it. Outside of some Larry Flynt vehicle that is.

Steverino247 May 20, 2011 at 10:12 am

Imagine the face of the downfister when Cheney grunts into his ear as he fills that condom.

jus_wonderin May 20, 2011 at 10:25 am

I bet the downfister likes it raw.

qwerty42 May 20, 2011 at 10:18 am

Retro Day continues!
It takes me back to those days of yesteryear;
The War on Paultards especially. Who could forget the brief alliance with Redstate? Or the vital contributions of commenter-general Nick Farr in that desperate struggle? Good times.

riverside68 May 20, 2011 at 10:26 am

Whoever said there were no good old days wasn't around when the Paultards were a crazy fringe group, as opposed to being in control of the House of Representives.

Another great blast from the past. Great adventures are often best enjoyed in the re-telling.

qwerty42 May 20, 2011 at 10:37 am

Retro Day continues!
Oh yeah … there was also Nadine tells All. I kinda think she was crazy, but … well, who knows?

Doktor Zoom May 20, 2011 at 11:11 am

Forget it, Mr 9pm Wed. 11/15/06, anal assaulting cortisol flooding terrorist, I WILL GET YOUR NAME!

Ken Layne May 20, 2011 at 10:46 am

Oh Josh, this made me happy! I do not want to re-live the past five+ years, but these are the parts I want to remember. Especially the parts flushed down the toilet and beaten with a baseball bat by that street thug/dumpster diver.

Doktor Zoom May 20, 2011 at 11:02 am

Paul Wolfowitz: Muppetfucker.

PsycWench May 20, 2011 at 11:04 am

No matter how bad some of these might be, they're better than anything tossed out by that Mallard Fillmore guy.

Cicada May 20, 2011 at 11:10 am

I frequently visit The Comics Curmudgeon (I highly recommend it, click the linky!), but it's only on Wonkette that Josh delves into the truly sick and perverted comics. Oh wait, I forgot about Barney Google and Snuffy Smith .

proudgrampa May 20, 2011 at 11:11 am

I always enoyed Josh' commentary, but I never cared for the political cartoons themselves. Just too damn depressing, I guess…

donner_froh May 20, 2011 at 11:17 am

Must be careful when reading the Comics Curmudgeon–clicking on a link that takes you to Apartment 3-G or Gil Thorp might mean spending an hour laughing when you could be wasting time working.

sezme May 20, 2011 at 8:47 pm

Indeed. Reading comics curmudgeon at work makes me laugh too loud. Wonkette is better because it makes me cry.

Ducksworthy May 20, 2011 at 11:58 am

The right wing political cartons just really let the hatred shine through. If we'd paid more attention we could have seen the Teabagger Revolution coming years ago.

DahBoner May 20, 2011 at 12:02 pm

It's the end of the world as we know it.

And Cheney, Dick feels fine.

(..sobs…)

Worthly[♬♪♬♪♫♪♬]Skum May 20, 2011 at 12:58 pm

For clarity's sake, the Cheney cartoon should add the following:

the toilet bowl should be labeled "American Exceptionalism";
the toilet talk should be labeled "Big Oil";
the toilet shut-off value should be labeled "Debt Ceiling";
Cheney's butt flaps should be label "Far Left" and "Far Right";
Cheney's left-handed Boy Scout salute should be embedded in a nubile Boy Scout;
Jesus should be flying though the frame riding a majestic, teary, American eagle.

Hope this helps.

bjkeefe May 20, 2011 at 1:56 pm

I for one welcome the return of our Cartoon Curmudgeon Overlord.

ttommyunger May 21, 2011 at 3:55 am

I have several professional cartoonists friends on facebook. They have lively minds and are keen to communicate their thoughts. I repost their work frequently because they can do with a glance what might otherwise take several paragraphs to communicate accurately. I admire their work but hope they don't insist on being classified as "artists"; that would put them in Cornel West territory, ego-wise.

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