ASK A LOBBYIST  4:25 pm May 19, 2011

Ask a Lobbyist: Baby Origins

by Jack Stuef

Every week, our Anonymous Lobbyist answers your questions about how laws get made and why they probably shouldn’t. If you have a question about the dirty business of doing business in Washington, ask her.

This week: sweaty encounters between boastful adults.

I’ve just graduated from college and am thinking about becoming a lobbyist. How would I do that?
I like to drink a lot of alcohol! Grrrrrr! Alcohollllll! That’s who I am! You should also get drunk a lot, and there’s a good chance you will wind up in some member of Congress’ office, debating the merits of animal reform. Specifically, you need to drink 77 beers to be a lobbyist. That’s all! And then renounce your humanity at the ceremony underneath the Lincoln Memorial. DONE.

Is there any group you wouldn’t lobby for?
The Prohibition people have been paying well since they let their lobbying slide and wound up having their constitutional amendment reversed, but I won’t do it! Alcohol is what I use to replace having a rewarding life I can be proud of, and that makes me interesting.

How much money do you charge an hour when you’re working for a client?
Haha, stupid. Lobbyists aren’t paid in money. They’re given treasure chests full of dead Caribbean babies packed with cocaine.

I’ve seen a lot of “boob” and “assfucking” references on this blog today. Does that have something to do with where babies come from? It seems like the “hip” people in D.C. all know where babies come from.
Ha! Nobody knows where babies come from, especially people in D.C.! Sure, some lobbyists like to flirt with young interns by saying they know where babies come from, but nothing really happens besides people going to each other’s bedrooms late at night to try to out-brag each other about how much they know about where babies come from.

Best lobby?
The Pharmaceutical-Arsonist Alliance of America.

 
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{ 137 comments }

user-of-owls May 19, 2011 at 4:27 pm

The horror, the horror.

Barb May 19, 2011 at 4:27 pm

"I like to drink a lot of alcohol!'
I, too, like to drink a lot of alcohol. Well, I am just a social drinker. Turns out, I'm VERY social.

Sophist[Kochblocker] May 19, 2011 at 4:31 pm

I'm just a social drinker too. I only drink when someone else somewhere on the planet is also drinking.

Oblios_Cap May 19, 2011 at 4:47 pm

I'm back from Jersey and drinking heavily. Now I have to unlearn the toll plaza restart form of driving.

The Statue of Liberty is COOL!

OneDollarJuana May 19, 2011 at 5:13 pm

I ascribe to your philosophy. However, if I was the last person on Earth, I think I'd just have more to drink!

baconzgood May 19, 2011 at 4:31 pm

I don't need people getting in the way of my drinking.

SorosBot May 19, 2011 at 5:15 pm

I'm a socialist drinker and try to get other people to pay for my drinks. Sadly, that doesn't seem to work as well for me as it does for attractive young women.

Not_So_Much May 19, 2011 at 9:54 pm

Sometimes (every night), I'm 'pass out social'.

GO SHARKS! STOP SUCKING! (sigh)

Lascauxcaveman May 19, 2011 at 4:28 pm

Didn't we always used to say "Tits or GTFO" to this one?

V572..whatever May 19, 2011 at 4:44 pm

There was a lot talk about "sweater puppies" in those days, as I recall, young feller. You were here then too, probably baying for a reveal like the rest of us.

Gopherit May 19, 2011 at 4:50 pm

Let's be fair. She was a lobbyist. There was a fair chance that, with the right incentive, we would have seen tits. Now, we have Sara, and we have learned the proper way to say "Yes, Mistress." Times change.

riverside68 May 19, 2011 at 4:59 pm

We did see her drunk in a bathtub.
I think that was between her getting fired as a lobbist and getting fired as a wonkette.
She had some very respectable sweater puppies as I recall.

Was she the last of the ass-fucking fantasists?

Lascauxcaveman May 19, 2011 at 5:34 pm

Ah, yes, Meagan in the bathtub, her big reveal when becoming an un-anonymous Wonkette contributor. I never forgave her for not looking exactly like Maria Bello in Thank You For Smoking.

riverside68 May 19, 2011 at 5:38 pm

I am ashamed to admit to having a very similar reaction.

Her writing inspired a great image, reality was very mundane.

PabaBritannica May 19, 2011 at 4:29 pm

Hey Lobbyist, make Jack post this video of the Illinois Senate honoring Wu-Tang. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5lUMc7we5ks

SexySmurf May 19, 2011 at 4:39 pm

We need a law to stop old, white Republicans from reading rap lyrics.

pinkocommi May 19, 2011 at 4:29 pm

I'm constantly amazed at what passes for humor on Wonkette. To the present day.

Oblios_Cap May 19, 2011 at 4:49 pm

No, you're not.

Gopherit May 19, 2011 at 4:53 pm

But you keep coming back. That's the definition of insanity. HERMANA!

DashboardBuddha May 19, 2011 at 5:54 pm

A rabbi, a priest and a dog walk into a bar and the bartender says, "what is this…some kind of joke?"

Is that better?

natoslug May 19, 2011 at 7:01 pm

A rabbi, a priest and a dog walk into a bar. You'd think one of them would have seen it.

DashboardBuddha May 19, 2011 at 7:35 pm

I like it!

Tundra Grifter May 20, 2011 at 9:16 am

Did you hear about the dyslexic who walked into a bra?

DashboardBuddha May 20, 2011 at 9:20 am

No, but my brother is an agnostic, dyslexic insomniac. He lays awake at night pondering the existence of dog.

Tundra Grifter May 20, 2011 at 9:18 am

pinkocommi: Don't get me started on the commentators who think they're funny!

Weenus299 May 19, 2011 at 4:29 pm

I love America and want to serve it honorably by becoming a well-respected senator! I want to make speeches that make people cry and think about their moral obligations! After that, I'm going to give all my money to charity! My question: I ran out of places to hide the bodies of young female hookers in my apartment. Any advice?

user-of-owls May 19, 2011 at 4:35 pm

Industrial. Wood. Chipper.

SayItWithWookies May 19, 2011 at 4:44 pm

Pig farm.

Gopherit May 19, 2011 at 4:56 pm

That's perfect. Just make sure that farmer is getting his extra special subsidies and let le bon temps roule.

OneDollarJuana May 19, 2011 at 5:14 pm

It worked in Delta, BC for quite a while, until that pesky purse showed up. Note to self: burn the purses.

Lascauxcaveman May 19, 2011 at 5:42 pm

Y'sure that just wasn't an old episode of DaVinci's Inquest?

Negropolis May 20, 2011 at 12:31 am

I love how the Canadian colleagues of American shows are so much more boring. Da Vinci's Inquest always reminds me of a watered down – or at least much quieter, less dramatic – Law and Order.

Walkinwiddaking May 20, 2011 at 3:39 pm
nounverb911 May 19, 2011 at 4:55 pm

Under a cabbage leaf?

SorosBot May 19, 2011 at 4:56 pm

Ever see Fried Green Tomatoes? First, get friendly with the chefs at the Capitol cafeteria…

Fare la Volpe May 19, 2011 at 5:24 pm

Ooh, apparently downfisty really hates novels about lesbian cannibalism.

widestanceroman May 19, 2011 at 5:03 pm

Could you hide them in the bodies of the old female hookers in your apartment?

riverside68 May 19, 2011 at 5:20 pm

Persian Gulf?

I heard there was an old dead perv there looking for 72 virgins. He'll probably be happy with dead hookers at this point.

Dudleydidwrong May 19, 2011 at 5:23 pm

Does anyone in Wu Tang own a Chinese restaurant? Talk to them.

mrblifil May 19, 2011 at 5:28 pm

Hide the bodies? Just sew them together into a Human Centipede-style project and rake in the profit.

problemwithcaring May 19, 2011 at 5:52 pm

You are so old school. Why hide a body when you can fake a suicide?

tessiee May 19, 2011 at 7:01 pm

Not actual advice per se, just an observation: Bodies will eventually float to the surface if not weighted down.

WABishop May 20, 2011 at 1:16 pm

You only put a body in the river if you want it to be found. Some guy told me that (in a movie).

trondant May 20, 2011 at 12:31 am

I hear Long Island is nice this time of year.

Negropolis May 20, 2011 at 12:32 am

Why, the Arabian Sea, of course.

GuyClinch May 19, 2011 at 4:31 pm

So wait, I'm a lobbyist? I had no idea!

Bonzos_Bed_Time May 19, 2011 at 4:35 pm

Today we are all lobbyists.

Schmannnity May 19, 2011 at 4:32 pm

Where do Lobbyists' souls go when they start their lobbying careers?

Fare la Volpe May 19, 2011 at 4:35 pm

What's a soul?

Schmannnity May 19, 2011 at 4:38 pm

it's the thing between gospel and R&B.

user-of-owls May 19, 2011 at 4:42 pm

Or that guy from Starsky & Hutch.

WhatTheHeck May 19, 2011 at 4:40 pm

Its found at the bottom of a glass.

Negropolis May 20, 2011 at 12:33 am

In the human-sized safes in their offices. And, in the rare instance they escape the safe, they have Ghost Busters ghost traps set up in front of them.

user-of-owls May 19, 2011 at 4:33 pm

NEXT UP:

Late Night Shots fingerbangs Benazir Bhutto's corpse with Custerwolf's amputated digit. This sets in motion Wonkette Warblog. Strange bedfellow allies: RedState and Fuck You, Penguin.

STAY TUNED!

V572..whatever May 19, 2011 at 4:45 pm

Wow, that's so retro! I'd forgetting how mad the Youngs were about LNS. Don't they know people go to prep schools to learn to be better than we?

Gopherit May 19, 2011 at 4:58 pm

Jesus, I completely forgot about Custerwolf. I need a drink now.

riverside68 May 19, 2011 at 5:15 pm

Wow, that is totally like an acid flashback.
Very familiar, been here before, but totally strange, maybe fun, maybe dangerous, mostly confusing. Very David Lynch.

I think I need a drink.

PuckStopsHere May 19, 2011 at 5:35 pm

God, I miss Late Night Shots and Tuesday night hookups and broken condom posts that wound up being read by teh victim and all the rest. I am starting to dislike Retro Day.

crybabyboehner May 19, 2011 at 4:35 pm

This must be nostalgia day on Wonkette, right?

Dudleydidwrong May 19, 2011 at 5:25 pm

Happens whenever Rapture time wanders around. Then nostalgia day takes a holiday.

SorosBot May 19, 2011 at 4:36 pm

Is it true that lobbyists' hollow lives and vile existence make them unable to get to sleep without getting pass-out drunk?

Lucidamente1 May 19, 2011 at 4:37 pm

Is all this retro rocketing your way of saying that Wonkette is going away? Because if it is, I'll need to stock up and get an early start on my drinking.

widestanceroman May 19, 2011 at 4:59 pm

Please don't play into our fears.

ifthethunderdontgetya May 19, 2011 at 5:28 pm

I guess we're all gettin' the same vibe.

I miss Spy Magazine a ton, and if it happens, Wonkette, too.

T.
~

Ken Cuccinelli May 19, 2011 at 5:54 pm

I'm remembering when Clif became responsible for 90% of the posts on Sadly No.

WhatTheHeck May 19, 2011 at 4:37 pm

Jack, at 75K per month, what can I lobby for you?
Need a pay raise?
Car allowance?

I have Ken's ears.

user-of-owls May 19, 2011 at 4:43 pm

Van Gogh's ears or GTFO.

jus_wonderin May 19, 2011 at 4:46 pm

Hey, give them back!!

Gopherit May 19, 2011 at 4:58 pm

Lies. Only Karl Marx has Ken's ear.

Fare la Volpe May 19, 2011 at 5:04 pm

And he's not getting 'em back until you get that $20,000 in unmarked whore diamonds.

that charlie sedarka May 19, 2011 at 4:38 pm

Did no one tell Jack what happened to the last "a Lobbyist"? I don't think I can handle that drama again.

Tundra Grifter May 20, 2011 at 9:19 am

I was wondering about this. Isn't this deja vu – all over again?

elviouslyqueer May 19, 2011 at 4:41 pm

You should also get drunk a lot, and there’s a good chance you will wind up in some member of Congress’ office, debating the merits of animal reform Paul Ryan's office, hoping for Round 9 of a hot monkey sex threesome with him and the 44DD talents of his faithful aide Boopsie Thunderpussy.

user-of-owls May 19, 2011 at 4:45 pm

She's of the Hamptons Thunderpussys, is she not?

elviouslyqueer May 19, 2011 at 4:47 pm

By way of Gay Head.

GuyClinch May 19, 2011 at 4:56 pm

This crypt-like silence of my office was just pierced by my howling laughter at your comment. Well done!

mrblifil May 19, 2011 at 5:35 pm

Watch his eyes pop when Paul Ryan finally finds his loyal aide is A DUDE!

elviouslyqueer May 19, 2011 at 5:46 pm

Hey, they don't call it the Thunder Down Under for nothing, son!

prommie May 19, 2011 at 4:41 pm

Where's that gay staffer beach club group, thats what I want to know. And LNS, since the GOP regained the majority in the house, the number of polo-shirted entitled rapey southern closet cases must have skyrocketed?

superdave May 19, 2011 at 4:42 pm

Whoa. Stuef is really huffin the glue today, eh?

Extemporanus May 19, 2011 at 4:42 pm

This entire blog can be shipped to the Northern Mariannas Islands, no one has lost any

problemwithcaring May 19, 2011 at 5:54 pm

A million whore diamonds for you!

V572..whatever May 19, 2011 at 4:43 pm

Hockey is still going on? How long do those playoffs last? And do 80 percent of the teams in the "league" all get to be in the "playoffs" like they used to?

Jukesgrrl May 19, 2011 at 4:52 pm

Hockey used to be normal when only people of the Great White North (I include Detroit and Chicago) played it. Only when large numbers of Americans became involved did the season extend to midsummer and everyone had to win a trophy. They have to make money to buy all those skaters from the Czech Republic and Ukraine and Americans won't pay for tickets unless "it really counts."

V572..whatever May 19, 2011 at 5:16 pm

Old NHL:

Montreal Canadiéns
Toronto Maple Leafs
New York Rangers
Chicago Black Hawks
Detroit Red Wings
Boston Bruins

Hockey bores the crap out of me but, like the other “major” sports, expansion hasn’t actually lowered the quality of play as fast as extravagant pay, steroids and year-round training have raised it.

Barb May 19, 2011 at 5:35 pm

Dude, I haul ice up to the loft, chill the beer, whip out the pizza and wings and watch topless. If hockey bores you I will never invite you over to watch.

V572..whatever May 19, 2011 at 5:38 pm

If that's the case I'm there, watching attentively, although maybe not the hockee.

DashboardBuddha May 19, 2011 at 5:47 pm

Have I ever told you that I LOVE hockey…and what beautiful eyes you have?

Negropolis May 20, 2011 at 12:20 am

I love how the Red Wings are basically a bunch of Swedes, Finns, Canadians, with a smattering of Americas. USA! USA!

I love hearing Mike Babcock on TV talking "Detroit-this and Detroit-that" and the guy has the most ridiculous of stereotypical Canadian accents. Hell, even Canadians don't talk like Mike Babcock talks.

user-of-owls May 19, 2011 at 4:46 pm

Behind the shelf containing multiple copies of Boobs: A Novel.

SystemError May 19, 2011 at 4:48 pm

The original "Ask a Lobbyist" would have been so much better if the "a Lobbyist" would actually have been, you know, an actual lobbyist.

Oblios_Cap May 19, 2011 at 4:50 pm

Where can I get a briefcase of cash like that?

nounverb911 May 19, 2011 at 4:57 pm

Ask Bristol.

riverside68 May 19, 2011 at 5:07 pm

At the Bohemian Club.
Davos
Goldman Sachs
IMF
Big Oil CEO office
Investment rating agencies
Tim Geithner's

They're all over the place. I'm surprised you're asking, where do you hang out at?

Weenus299 May 19, 2011 at 6:24 pm

Well, Jim's House of Briefcases Full O' Cash out on Decker Blvd. in Columbia, SC, would be a start.

tessiee May 19, 2011 at 10:58 pm

OK, I usually ignore the downfister(s), but this really should be emphasized:
He, she, it, or they just downfisted the above, which was not only posted by a weenus, but TOLD WHERE YOU CAN GET A BRIEFCASE FULL OF CASH!!

nounverb911 May 19, 2011 at 4:56 pm

"Ask a Lobbyist: Baby Origins"
Ask Bristol?

baconzgood May 19, 2011 at 4:59 pm

Hey! Debate of Intensiveness, Get your shit together! I'm fucking trying to get my snark on here.

DaRooster May 19, 2011 at 5:03 pm

"Specifically, you need to drink 77 beers to be a lobbyist…"

Hey, I was a lobbyist… just last night!

MadBrahms May 19, 2011 at 5:13 pm

You get one of those punchcards for the beers, and when you fill it up, you get a plaque and a handjob from Tom DeLay. The plaque is nice, but the handjob is pretty disappointing.

Fare la Volpe May 19, 2011 at 5:27 pm

Of course it is. He's famous for his bjs.

Tommmcattt May 19, 2011 at 5:31 pm

My my, isn't THAT a pretty boy, in the avitar, there.

Fare la Volpe May 19, 2011 at 5:47 pm

He's also a quarterback, and has an equally hot Asian boyfriend. So were he single — and, y'know, not fictional — you'd totally have a shot at that.

Negropolis May 20, 2011 at 12:41 am

And known for his tiny hands.

DaRooster May 19, 2011 at 5:13 pm

"Nobody knows where babies come from…"

Duh, the Caribbean packed with cocaine… hello.

OneDollarJuana May 19, 2011 at 5:15 pm

Pig farm, as stated above, is a good solution. Pigs eat the evidence. You eat the pigs. Circle of Life.

pinkocommi May 20, 2011 at 12:41 am

That's pretty gross if you think about it. One step away from cannibalism.

Radiotherapy May 19, 2011 at 5:18 pm

Do lobbyists have a lobby? Because they seem to be pretty successful.

mrblifil May 19, 2011 at 5:34 pm

Moreover to lobbies have lobbyists? And what if there are so many lobby-representing lobbyists sitting in the lobby that there is a conflict of interest? Would you have to throw some out of the lobby? And is there no way for the banned lobby lobbyists to gain representation through lobbying? And in reality wouldn't all lobby lobbyists need their own lobbyists, with their own lobby? It would be the Lobby Lobbyist's Lobby Lobbying Lobby. LOBBY!!!!1!

HistoriCat May 19, 2011 at 11:11 pm

I'm pretty sure I read somewhere that they do. Talk about feeling pressure at work!

mumbly_joe May 19, 2011 at 5:18 pm

I'm pretty sure this whole retro day bit is a sign that Jack is morally weak.

Eve8Apples May 19, 2011 at 5:25 pm

"Nobody knows where babies come from"

Liquor + desperation + failed contraception = babies

riverside68 May 19, 2011 at 5:40 pm

Bristol wants to know what contraception is. Sounds fun.

DashboardBuddha May 19, 2011 at 5:48 pm

Penis goes in, penis comes out…you can't explain it. Well…maybe can't remember it.

tessiee May 19, 2011 at 11:01 pm

Being too stupid, lazy, careless, drunk, or irresponsible to use contraception.
The same qualities that make you *unfit* to be a parent make you *likely to become* a parent.
Life's ironic, ain't it?

Guppy06 May 19, 2011 at 5:30 pm

Dear AskALobbyist:

Where's the ALT text?

BZ1 May 19, 2011 at 5:37 pm

This is the perfect opportunity for guest columnist Jack Abramoff to weigh in…

SayItWithWookies May 19, 2011 at 6:10 pm

O/T, but since it's retro day, this would be an appropriate time to celebrate that the P-Funk mothership has arrived in DC. Now I have to go get fuel for the smoke machine.

Weenus299 May 19, 2011 at 6:25 pm

Today, and yesterday, we have all been country fuckers.

JackObin May 19, 2011 at 6:26 pm

The crimes and moral corruption of the Bush Crime Family are simply staggering. Just think of the outrage of the media if one of them was accused of raping a hotel maid, and/or one of them was French.

tessiee May 19, 2011 at 6:58 pm

We should come up with two or three good comments, and then copy/paste over and over. That would be fun.

Warpde May 19, 2011 at 9:45 pm

Dear Lobbyotomist,
Who do I have to lobby to get a better deal on Chicken McNuggets?
Or do I still have to keep blowing the clown?
Thx
Confused

tessiee May 19, 2011 at 11:02 pm

( __)=(__)

Negropolis May 20, 2011 at 12:15 am

Child: Mommy, where do babies come from?

Mom: You see, Billy, when a mommy and daddy get totally fucked up on Jager bombs after a night of clubbing…

BTW, snark off for a second, the NRA is the best. lobby. evah</>. Also, the most depraved. Also.

Negropolis May 20, 2011 at 12:43 am

I'm partial to "dirty pillows" myself.

Oblios_Cap May 20, 2011 at 9:34 am

Nobody knows where babies come from, especially people in D.C.

That's the truth. I was born in DC and put up for adoption. It's been a endless source of fun speculating who the Baby Daddy and Momma are for the last 53 years..

OzoneTom May 20, 2011 at 3:42 pm

How is babby formed?

NadePaulKuciGravMcKi May 21, 2011 at 5:59 am

My mother said that babies come in bottles
But last week she said, they grew on special baby bushes
I don't believe in the stork either, they're all in the zoo
Busy with their own babies …

And what's a baby bush anyway?

Barb May 19, 2011 at 5:40 pm

Now we just have to get you into golf and football and all will be right with the world.

Tommmcattt May 19, 2011 at 5:50 pm

I'd probably prefer the Asian guy, truth to be told. And anyway, I am a "married" man. Plus, old.

Nice to dream, though.

tessiee May 19, 2011 at 10:59 pm

I have the same chance whether the guy is gay or straight.

Fare la Volpe May 19, 2011 at 5:52 pm

Now is this "real old" (i.e. over 50) or "gay old" (i.e. over 25)?

Barb May 19, 2011 at 5:54 pm

Hooray for hockey fans!

Lascauxcaveman May 19, 2011 at 6:03 pm

Oh c'mon, everybody loves football. But golf? Much rather be playing than watching.

Can. Not. Watch. Golf. I sit down and watch golf for 10 minutes and I feel my Haggar SansaBelts* expand four inches, my bald spot* starts feeling sunburned, and I'm wanting a midday nap.

(*I don't actually have either of these things.)

ifthethunderdontgetya May 19, 2011 at 6:49 pm

How are you gentlemen?

All your dancing around the bush is belong to us.
~

Tommmcattt May 19, 2011 at 8:19 pm

Gay old. 43.

Which means I qualify for pity glares at the local Weho watering hole.

Lascauxcaveman May 20, 2011 at 12:44 am

Oh, stop wallowing in self-pity. You can pretend you're rich.

And don't try to tell me the young gay sluts don't like that as much a the young female hetero sluts.

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