ask a lobbyist

Ask a Lobbyist: Baby Origins

Every week, our Anonymous Lobbyist answers your questions about how laws get made and why they probably shouldn’t. If you have a question about the dirty business of doing business in Washington, ask her.

This week: sweaty encounters between boastful adults.

I’ve just graduated from college and am thinking about becoming a lobbyist. How would I do that?
I like to drink a lot of alcohol! Grrrrrr! Alcohollllll! That’s who I am! You should also get drunk a lot, and there’s a good chance you will wind up in some member of Congress’ office, debating the merits of animal reform. Specifically, you need to drink 77 beers to be a lobbyist. That’s all! And then renounce your humanity at the ceremony underneath the Lincoln Memorial. DONE.

Is there any group you wouldn’t lobby for?
The Prohibition people have been paying well since they let their lobbying slide and wound up having their constitutional amendment reversed, but I won’t do it! Alcohol is what I use to replace having a rewarding life I can be proud of, and that makes me interesting.

How much money do you charge an hour when you’re working for a client?
Haha, stupid. Lobbyists aren’t paid in money. They’re given treasure chests full of dead Caribbean babies packed with cocaine.

I’ve seen a lot of “boob” and “assfucking” references on this blog today. Does that have something to do with where babies come from? It seems like the “hip” people in D.C. all know where babies come from.
Ha! Nobody knows where babies come from, especially people in D.C.! Sure, some lobbyists like to flirt with young interns by saying they know where babies come from, but nothing really happens besides people going to each other’s bedrooms late at night to try to out-brag each other about how much they know about where babies come from.

Best lobby?
The Pharmaceutical-Arsonist Alliance of America.

About the author

Jack Stuef is your loyal editor and a freelance satirist or something like that. He is a contributing writer for The Onion. E-mail him or whatever.

View all articles by Jack Stuef
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  1. Barb

    "I like to drink a lot of alcohol!'
    I, too, like to drink a lot of alcohol. Well, I am just a social drinker. Turns out, I'm VERY social.

    1. Sophist[Kochblocker]

      I'm just a social drinker too. I only drink when someone else somewhere on the planet is also drinking.

      1. Oblios_Cap

        I'm back from Jersey and drinking heavily. Now I have to unlearn the toll plaza restart form of driving.

        The Statue of Liberty is COOL!

      2. OneDollarJuana

        I ascribe to your philosophy. However, if I was the last person on Earth, I think I'd just have more to drink!

    2. SorosBot

      I'm a socialist drinker and try to get other people to pay for my drinks. Sadly, that doesn't seem to work as well for me as it does for attractive young women.

    3. Not_So_Much

      Sometimes (every night), I'm 'pass out social'.


    1. V572..whatever

      There was a lot talk about "sweater puppies" in those days, as I recall, young feller. You were here then too, probably baying for a reveal like the rest of us.

    2. Gopherit

      Let's be fair. She was a lobbyist. There was a fair chance that, with the right incentive, we would have seen tits. Now, we have Sara, and we have learned the proper way to say "Yes, Mistress." Times change.

      1. riverside68

        We did see her drunk in a bathtub.
        I think that was between her getting fired as a lobbist and getting fired as a wonkette.
        She had some very respectable sweater puppies as I recall.

        Was she the last of the ass-fucking fantasists?

        1. Lascauxcaveman

          Ah, yes, Meagan in the bathtub, her big reveal when becoming an un-anonymous Wonkette contributor. I never forgave her for not looking exactly like Maria Bello in Thank You For Smoking.

          1. riverside68

            I am ashamed to admit to having a very similar reaction.

            Her writing inspired a great image, reality was very mundane.

  2. pinkocommi

    I'm constantly amazed at what passes for humor on Wonkette. To the present day.

    1. DashboardBuddha

      A rabbi, a priest and a dog walk into a bar and the bartender says, "what is this…some kind of joke?"

      Is that better?

        1. DashboardBuddha

          No, but my brother is an agnostic, dyslexic insomniac. He lays awake at night pondering the existence of dog.

    2. Tundra Grifter

      pinkocommi: Don't get me started on the commentators who think they're funny!

  3. Weenus299

    I love America and want to serve it honorably by becoming a well-respected senator! I want to make speeches that make people cry and think about their moral obligations! After that, I'm going to give all my money to charity! My question: I ran out of places to hide the bodies of young female hookers in my apartment. Any advice?

      1. Gopherit

        That's perfect. Just make sure that farmer is getting his extra special subsidies and let le bon temps roule.

      2. OneDollarJuana

        It worked in Delta, BC for quite a while, until that pesky purse showed up. Note to self: burn the purses.

          1. Negropolis

            I love how the Canadian colleagues of American shows are so much more boring. Da Vinci's Inquest always reminds me of a watered down – or at least much quieter, less dramatic – Law and Order.

    1. SorosBot

      Ever see Fried Green Tomatoes? First, get friendly with the chefs at the Capitol cafeteria…

    2. widestanceroman

      Could you hide them in the bodies of the old female hookers in your apartment?

    3. riverside68

      Persian Gulf?

      I heard there was an old dead perv there looking for 72 virgins. He'll probably be happy with dead hookers at this point.

    4. tessiee

      Not actual advice per se, just an observation: Bodies will eventually float to the surface if not weighted down.

    1. Negropolis

      In the human-sized safes in their offices. And, in the rare instance they escape the safe, they have Ghost Busters ghost traps set up in front of them.

  4. user-of-owls

    NEXT UP:

    Late Night Shots fingerbangs Benazir Bhutto's corpse with Custerwolf's amputated digit. This sets in motion Wonkette Warblog. Strange bedfellow allies: RedState and Fuck You, Penguin.


    1. V572..whatever

      Wow, that's so retro! I'd forgetting how mad the Youngs were about LNS. Don't they know people go to prep schools to learn to be better than we?

    2. riverside68

      Wow, that is totally like an acid flashback.
      Very familiar, been here before, but totally strange, maybe fun, maybe dangerous, mostly confusing. Very David Lynch.

      I think I need a drink.

    3. PuckStopsHere

      God, I miss Late Night Shots and Tuesday night hookups and broken condom posts that wound up being read by teh victim and all the rest. I am starting to dislike Retro Day.

    1. Dudleydidwrong

      Happens whenever Rapture time wanders around. Then nostalgia day takes a holiday.

  5. SorosBot

    Is it true that lobbyists' hollow lives and vile existence make them unable to get to sleep without getting pass-out drunk?

  6. Lucidamente1

    Is all this retro rocketing your way of saying that Wonkette is going away? Because if it is, I'll need to stock up and get an early start on my drinking.

        1. Ken Cuccinelli

          I'm remembering when Clif became responsible for 90% of the posts on Sadly No.

  7. WhatTheHeck

    Jack, at 75K per month, what can I lobby for you?
    Need a pay raise?
    Car allowance?

    I have Ken's ears.

    1. Fare la Volpe

      And he's not getting 'em back until you get that $20,000 in unmarked whore diamonds.

  8. that charlie sedarka

    Did no one tell Jack what happened to the last "a Lobbyist"? I don't think I can handle that drama again.

  9. elviouslyqueer

    You should also get drunk a lot, and there’s a good chance you will wind up in some member of Congress’ office, debating the merits of animal reform Paul Ryan's office, hoping for Round 9 of a hot monkey sex threesome with him and the 44DD talents of his faithful aide Boopsie Thunderpussy.

  10. prommie

    Where's that gay staffer beach club group, thats what I want to know. And LNS, since the GOP regained the majority in the house, the number of polo-shirted entitled rapey southern closet cases must have skyrocketed?

  11. Extemporanus

    This entire blog can be shipped to the Northern Mariannas Islands, no one has lost any

  12. V572..whatever

    Hockey is still going on? How long do those playoffs last? And do 80 percent of the teams in the "league" all get to be in the "playoffs" like they used to?

    1. Jukesgrrl

      Hockey used to be normal when only people of the Great White North (I include Detroit and Chicago) played it. Only when large numbers of Americans became involved did the season extend to midsummer and everyone had to win a trophy. They have to make money to buy all those skaters from the Czech Republic and Ukraine and Americans won't pay for tickets unless "it really counts."

      1. V572..whatever

        Old NHL:

        Montreal Canadiéns
        Toronto Maple Leafs
        New York Rangers
        Chicago Black Hawks
        Detroit Red Wings
        Boston Bruins

        Hockey bores the crap out of me but, like the other “major” sports, expansion hasn’t actually lowered the quality of play as fast as extravagant pay, steroids and year-round training have raised it.

        1. Barb

          Dude, I haul ice up to the loft, chill the beer, whip out the pizza and wings and watch topless. If hockey bores you I will never invite you over to watch.

          1. V572..whatever

            If that's the case I'm there, watching attentively, although maybe not the hockee.

          2. Barb

            Now we just have to get you into golf and football and all will be right with the world.

          3. Lascauxcaveman

            Oh c'mon, everybody loves football. But golf? Much rather be playing than watching.

            Can. Not. Watch. Golf. I sit down and watch golf for 10 minutes and I feel my Haggar SansaBelts* expand four inches, my bald spot* starts feeling sunburned, and I'm wanting a midday nap.

            (*I don't actually have either of these things.)

          4. DashboardBuddha

            Have I ever told you that I LOVE hockey…and what beautiful eyes you have?

      2. Negropolis

        I love how the Red Wings are basically a bunch of Swedes, Finns, Canadians, with a smattering of Americas. USA! USA!

        I love hearing Mike Babcock on TV talking "Detroit-this and Detroit-that" and the guy has the most ridiculous of stereotypical Canadian accents. Hell, even Canadians don't talk like Mike Babcock talks.

  13. SystemError

    The original "Ask a Lobbyist" would have been so much better if the "a Lobbyist" would actually have been, you know, an actual lobbyist.

    1. riverside68

      At the Bohemian Club.
      Goldman Sachs
      Big Oil CEO office
      Investment rating agencies
      Tim Geithner's

      They're all over the place. I'm surprised you're asking, where do you hang out at?

    2. Weenus299

      Well, Jim's House of Briefcases Full O' Cash out on Decker Blvd. in Columbia, SC, would be a start.

      1. tessiee

        OK, I usually ignore the downfister(s), but this really should be emphasized:
        He, she, it, or they just downfisted the above, which was not only posted by a weenus, but TOLD WHERE YOU CAN GET A BRIEFCASE FULL OF CASH!!

  14. baconzgood

    Hey! Debate of Intensiveness, Get your shit together! I'm fucking trying to get my snark on here.

  15. DaRooster

    "Specifically, you need to drink 77 beers to be a lobbyist…"

    Hey, I was a lobbyist… just last night!

    1. MadBrahms

      You get one of those punchcards for the beers, and when you fill it up, you get a plaque and a handjob from Tom DeLay. The plaque is nice, but the handjob is pretty disappointing.

          1. Fare la Volpe

            He's also a quarterback, and has an equally hot Asian boyfriend. So were he single — and, y'know, not fictional — you'd totally have a shot at that.

          2. Tommmcattt

            I'd probably prefer the Asian guy, truth to be told. And anyway, I am a "married" man. Plus, old.

            Nice to dream, though.

          3. Tommmcattt

            Gay old. 43.

            Which means I qualify for pity glares at the local Weho watering hole.

          4. Lascauxcaveman

            Oh, stop wallowing in self-pity. You can pretend you're rich.

            And don't try to tell me the young gay sluts don't like that as much a the young female hetero sluts.

  16. DaRooster

    "Nobody knows where babies come from…"

    Duh, the Caribbean packed with cocaine… hello.

  17. OneDollarJuana

    Pig farm, as stated above, is a good solution. Pigs eat the evidence. You eat the pigs. Circle of Life.

    1. mrblifil

      Moreover to lobbies have lobbyists? And what if there are so many lobby-representing lobbyists sitting in the lobby that there is a conflict of interest? Would you have to throw some out of the lobby? And is there no way for the banned lobby lobbyists to gain representation through lobbying? And in reality wouldn't all lobby lobbyists need their own lobbyists, with their own lobby? It would be the Lobby Lobbyist's Lobby Lobbying Lobby. LOBBY!!!!1!

    2. HistoriCat

      I'm pretty sure I read somewhere that they do. Talk about feeling pressure at work!

  18. Eve8Apples

    "Nobody knows where babies come from"

    Liquor + desperation + failed contraception = babies

    1. DashboardBuddha

      Penis goes in, penis comes out…you can't explain it. Well…maybe can't remember it.

    2. tessiee

      Being too stupid, lazy, careless, drunk, or irresponsible to use contraception.
      The same qualities that make you *unfit* to be a parent make you *likely to become* a parent.
      Life's ironic, ain't it?

  19. SayItWithWookies

    O/T, but since it's retro day, this would be an appropriate time to celebrate that the P-Funk mothership has arrived in DC. Now I have to go get fuel for the smoke machine.

  20. JackObin

    The crimes and moral corruption of the Bush Crime Family are simply staggering. Just think of the outrage of the media if one of them was accused of raping a hotel maid, and/or one of them was French.

  21. tessiee

    We should come up with two or three good comments, and then copy/paste over and over. That would be fun.

  22. Warpde

    Dear Lobbyotomist,
    Who do I have to lobby to get a better deal on Chicken McNuggets?
    Or do I still have to keep blowing the clown?

  23. Negropolis

    Child: Mommy, where do babies come from?

    Mom: You see, Billy, when a mommy and daddy get totally fucked up on Jager bombs after a night of clubbing…

    BTW, snark off for a second, the NRA is the best. lobby. evah</>. Also, the most depraved. Also.

  24. Oblios_Cap

    Nobody knows where babies come from, especially people in D.C.

    That's the truth. I was born in DC and put up for adoption. It's been a endless source of fun speculating who the Baby Daddy and Momma are for the last 53 years..

  25. NadePaulKuciGravMcKi

    My mother said that babies come in bottles
    But last week she said, they grew on special baby bushes
    I don't believe in the stork either, they're all in the zoo
    Busy with their own babies …

    And what's a baby bush anyway?

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