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Every week, our Anonymous Lobbyist answers your questions about how laws get made and why they probably shouldn’t. If you have a question about the dirty business of doing business in Washington, ask her.

This week: sweaty encounters between boastful adults.

I’ve just graduated from college and am thinking about becoming a lobbyist. How would I do that?
I like to drink a lot of alcohol! Grrrrrr! Alcohollllll! That’s who I am! You should also get drunk a lot, and there’s a good chance you will wind up in some member of Congress’ office, debating the merits of animal reform. Specifically, you need to drink 77 beers to be a lobbyist. That’s all! And then renounce your humanity at the ceremony underneath the Lincoln Memorial. DONE.

Is there any group you wouldn’t lobby for?
The Prohibition people have been paying well since they let their lobbying slide and wound up having their constitutional amendment reversed, but I won’t do it! Alcohol is what I use to replace having a rewarding life I can be proud of, and that makes me interesting.

How much money do you charge an hour when you’re working for a client?
Haha, stupid. Lobbyists aren’t paid in money. They’re given treasure chests full of dead Caribbean babies packed with cocaine.

I’ve seen a lot of “boob” and “assfucking” references on this blog today. Does that have something to do with where babies come from? It seems like the “hip” people in D.C. all know where babies come from.
Ha! Nobody knows where babies come from, especially people in D.C.! Sure, some lobbyists like to flirt with young interns by saying they know where babies come from, but nothing really happens besides people going to each other’s bedrooms late at night to try to out-brag each other about how much they know about where babies come from.

Best lobby?
The Pharmaceutical-Arsonist Alliance of America.

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