harriet miers

I’ve Got Friends In Jihad Places

Ahh! Scary ghost!Here’s some hott Harriet Miers news from the nation’s top Harriet Miers blog: She’s now working as a lobbyist for Pakistan! Cool! Dealing with terrorist-coddlers like Pakistani officials is pretty much just as bad as working with Antonin Scalia, so President Obama should totally appoint her to the Supreme Court again. Just look at Pakistan getting off the hook for abetting Osama bin Laden. She’s earned it!

She is registered lobbyist for the Islamic Republic of Pakistan, Pakistan People’s Party and Pakistan President and co-chair of the PPP Asif Ali Zardari. Miers even reps Zardari’s kids, according to her Justice Dept. filing.

She began working for Pakistan, a $75K a month account for LLS, in August 2008 during the wind-down of Bush II’s second term.

Is there some way we could also implicate her in this funny old Cindy Sheehan sex scandal we came across? That would be great. Retro Day!

Welcome Back, Harriet Miers, Pakistan Lobbyist [O'Dwyer's]

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Jack Stuef is your loyal editor and a freelance satirist or something like that. He is a contributing writer for The Onion. E-mail him or whatever.

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128 comments

  1. ManchuCandidate

    It's not like she was ever going to be a Supreme (the group or the court.) Give her some credit, she's leveraged her experience as a near useless toady for corrupt asshats with messiah complexes into a career (and she's fucking up another nation, not US America.)

    1. Lascauxcaveman

      $75K/month is pretty good scratch for a retired secretary. Maybe I'm in the wrong biz?

      Supreme court justice makes about $18k. But they do have a pretty generous vacation schedule.

    2. Bonzos_Bed_Time

      Although the results of her actions may indeed have an impact on how effed up our nation gets. Oops, that was referring to the Bush admin, Retro Day!

    3. tessiee

      "It's not like she was ever going to be a Supreme (the group or the court.) "

      Although at least if she were in the group, she'd have an excuse for the eyeliner.

  2. arihaya

    can we send Bush as ambassador to Pakistan ?

    they seem to be bloodthirsty for American blood now

    1. Lionel[redacted]Esq

      I think it would be best to send Bush to Iraq, so he can explain to them why their country is still in pieces. That, or send him as Ambassador to Rick Perry's Texas. He would probably think it is a a big honor.

  3. facehead

    "She is registered lobbyist for the Islamic Republic of Pakistan, Pakistan People’s Party and Pakistan President and co-chair of the PPP Asif Ali Zardari."

    Previously she was a lobbyist for Peter Piper, lobbying fiercely for pickle and pepper subsidies.

    1. tessiee

      "Pakistan People’s Party"

      Which actually put her in the bad graces of the Popular Front of Pakistan AND the Pakistani People's Front.

      (splitter)

    1. zhubajie

      I was hoping he was having triple-headers with Laura, Condi and Ms. Chao from Commerce. Why not Miers as well?

  4. skoalrebel

    One of the greeters at Wal-Mart is named Harriet and looks a lot like Harriet Meyers. I wonder if they're related. Y'know, since they have the same name and all.

  5. SorosBot

    That is not a face I want to associate with the word sex; thanks for re-nauseating us their Jack. What's next, a Barbara Walters sex scandal?

    1. b[redact]opple

      Here's something that's actually true: Barbara Walters used to let Henry Kissinger pork her.

      1. SorosBot

        You want to make it impossible for anyone here to get hard / wet again, don't you?

      2. V572..whatever

        Evil War Dwarf Hank K also used to boink this babe, if contemporaneous rumors are to be believed. [just barely safe for work]

  6. SudsMcKenzie

    Nice, can we throw a Burka on her now?

    [edit] wow, Everyone immediately went to Burka

      1. Lionel[redacted]Esq

        There is nothing worse than Scalito on your SCOTUS, although Clarence on your Thomas is pretty bad.

    1. tessiee

      "I'd rather Harriet on SCOTUS than Scalito. "

      Something tells me that Harriet on SCOTUS would be followed in short order by Thomas on Harriet.

  7. BloviateMe

    How exactly does one "lobby" for these things?

    Scream "Pakistan's the bee's knees" over and over to anybody that will listen?

    I don't get it.

    1. KeepFnThatChicken

      I was just about to say that. More like, "I wonder if 'the boys' gang-bang her when they want to work off a Hillary Hate Fuck."

  8. Extemporanus

    "In selecting a lobbyist, I've sought to find an American of grace, judgment and unwavering devotion to the Constitution and laws of your country. Harriet Miers is just such a person," Zardari said. "I've known Harriet for more than a decade. I know her heart. I know her character. I know her safe word."

  9. widestanceroman

    She always looks like she just got duped by the old charcoal on the binoculars trick.

      1. littlebigdaddy

        I'm thinking a late Hellenistic courtesan past her prime. Really, that sort of eye makeup hasn't been in for several millennia.

      2. Negropolis

        I'm laughing so hard I'm having lung spasms.

        The visual (a raccoon applying makeup) is a killer.

      3. Biel_ze_Bubba

        I think she's going for the Liz-Taylor-as-Cleopatra look. And missing. Badly. (It's kohl, Harriet … not coal.)

  10. SayItWithWookies

    It's a natural fit, since Pakistan is just like Texas — a gun-and-drug-runner's wet dream, full of religious fanatics and maintaining a fiercely independent image while suckling at Uncle Sam's teat. Of course, Texas still has the scourge of socialist public schools that Pakistan managed to get rid of, but they'll catch up.

    1. Biel_ze_Bubba

      Judging from the latest state budget, Texas will pretty much match Pakistan on the public school front next year. They might even follow Arizona's lead, and give tax rebates for attending Xtian madrassas.

  11. baconzgood

    $75,000 a month. I could do that job. Here let me give it a shot (a-hem)

    PLEASE OH PLEASE OH PLEASE OH PLLLLLLLLLLLEASE DON'T BOMB PAKISTAN!!!!!

    Fuckin' nailed it!!!!

    1. Guppy06

      We need more aid to pay for the infrastructure we can't afford thanks to our nuclear program!

      1. jus_wonderin

        Our job is really not complete until we give the a bridge to nowhere. Oh, and bomb a few weddings.

    2. tessiee

      "$75,000 a month. I could do that job."

      I could probably DO that job, but I'm pretty sure I couldn't get it.
      And by "get it", I mean "fellate Bush".

  12. El Pinche

    It's 2004 all over again ! I'll have to start calling Republicans Rethuglicans and reopen my suicidegirls account .

    1. horsedreamer_1

      What's hard to believe is SuicideGirls is approaching its eleventh year of existence. Time flies.

      1. El Pinche

        I know, right? But yet some of the senior SGs' boobies are as perky as they were in 2004.

        1. horsedreamer_1

          It is interesting to see the ones who have stuck with it, not gone into the archive after finishing college, or getting married, or whatever have you. A number of good ones among that, including one from the DC area. (& being hip to the scene, potential successor to Arielle?)

          1. HistoriCat

            "potential successor to Arielle" – like there's a chance of that. Wonkette seems to be in an estrogen free-fall. Pretty soon it will just be Wonk.

  13. OneYieldRegular

    Fer nice. May she be blessed with a personal call from Pam Geller and friends.

  14. fuflans

    and today's a day i could have gone without mention of 'cindy sheehan' and – well, anything really.

    can't we have something pretty from the archives? kitty? megs mccain? scott brown? butterstick in younger days?

  15. KeepFnThatChicken

    So this Pakistani Pizza Party… are they good guys or bad guys? Don't make me Google. I just want to assume the worst, because Dubya is in the unrelated photo.

  16. prommie

    We'd be better off with some benign second-rate hacks on the court, than we are with evil jesuitical sophist geniuses like the current Roman Catholic trio (though truth be told, Roberts is no genius, its those two dagos what are scary).

  17. prommie

    If a dude fucks Cindy Sheehan, does that make him gay? Or does it make him a bestiality enthusiast? She reminds me of an old catcher's mitt.

  18. Texan_Bulldog

    I'm pretty sure I saw her at the library the other day.

    So who else are we going to drag out of the 90s dust bin? Albert Gonzales? Mike "Heckuva Job" Brown? Crap…what's Carrot Top doing these days?

  19. Lionel[redacted]Esq

    So, if we look at this through Conservative eyes, clearly this means that Bush and Cheney both knew where Bin Laden was all along, and used Meyers to help hide him in Pakistan, thinking that no one would find him there among all the other brown people. In the end, this proves that Bush was really born in Mexico, after his Dad and Mom had a drunk fight/love making session, and, of course, that Dick Cheney is master of Hell.

    No wonder the world is ending this weekend. Especially through conservative eyes, everyone is out to get you…,

    Wait, are Conservatives still doing a ton of cocaine. How Retro of them.

  20. CivicHoliday

    Clarence Thomas is SOOO pissed right now. If only he hadn't gotten stuck with this pain-in-the-ass Supreme Court gig, he'd be making hella benjamins as Satan's PR director.

  21. Ruhe

    Harriet's standard pitch-intro when she meets with congresspeople: "Good morning Senator/Representative Blah-Blah. I've got good news and bad news from Pakistan. The bad news is that we still don't know where the terrorists are. The good news is that we are fairly certain that we know where our nuclear weapons are."

  22. FlownOver

    Tip for Ol' Dub:

    When you're standing behind someone reading from a TelePrompter, try not to move your lips along with her remarks.

  23. Fare la Volpe

    What's a Mormon vampire writer doing with Pakistanis? They're totally Team Jacob.

    1. SayItWithWookies

      Those are eyes? I just thought I was seeing straight through to the back of her head.

  24. littlebigdaddy

    I always forget–what does the Egyptian goddess Harriet Myers represent? Is it death by intestinal distress? That's what I'm thinking.

  25. An_Outhouse

    Considering her tenure in the Bush administration, she has plenty of experience working for terrorists.

  26. V572..whatever

    The only plausible explanation for Chimpy nominating Miers to the court was that Berto was in W's office telling him they needed to pick somebody, the door was open, and Harriet walked by. "Hey, Harriet, you real busy right now?"

  27. carlgt1

    Repugs have no shame. I'm sure somehow they can justify how "Christian" it is that they're always lobbying for the Muslin scapegoats….

  28. pinkocommi

    She may be getting paid $75K a month, but she'll always be a two-bit whore to me.

  29. ifthethunderdontgetya

    Damn, prommie. I was about to apologize for bitchin' you out for something that's just a personal peeve of mine (stupid woman, how dare you get old and ugly – har har biotch!), and then you type this:

    She sure was the darling of the hand-wringing wing of the libtards, though.

    WTF is this supposed to mean? People who objected to our b.s. war on Iraq to the extent that they actually got off their lazy asses and stood up are "libtards"?

    Right now, I'm thinking prommie doesn't have the standing to fling a 'tard' charge.
    ~

    1. prommie

      No, "libtard" just means appallingly sincere, insufficiently cynical liberal, as viewed from my persona as a foul-mouthed, drunken, crusty, hyper-cynical old horndog pervy lawyer.

      1. doloras

        It's interesting that you don't actually seem to feel the need to explain why you have a hate-on for Cindy, or on what way she's "stupid". Perhaps you've been talking to people who only agree with you for too long.

  30. DemonicRage

    Only in Pakistan would that I am a sexy racoon eyeliner be seen as professional warpaint.

  31. Ducksworthy

    I dunno. She did a good job for Bin Laden there for awhile, but that really didn't turn out all that well for him.

  32. anniegetyerfun

    How can I get in on some of this sweet, sweet lobbying action? I will happily represent horrible, horrible people for 75K per month. I have, like, zero scruples.

  33. smitallica

    My god. Even now, every single time I see Bush's imbecile face, I simply can't believe he actually happened.

  34. smitallica

    So let's see if I have this right:
    Harriet Miers, close personal friend of W., the President who did business with bin Laden's family and famously couldn't find bin Laden even though he was living in a giant compound in Pakistan, is a highly paid lobbyist for the Pakistanis, who were shielding bin Laden from us the whole time?

    Nah, I'm sure there's nothing fishy there.

  35. tessiee

    Sheesh!
    Dial back on the black eyeliner at high noon, Vampira!
    How the hell do you appear in a photo with Bush and have eyes that look *worse* than his?

  36. Negropolis

    Haters gonna hate. The whore is just doing what whores do best. Don't hate the player, hate the game. Actually, you can hate both if you'd like, 'cause I know I sure do.

Comments are closed.