metro section

Metro Section: Great Assassinations

  • “Justin’s Café opened last year, just a few blocks from Nationals Park. They opened up shop at 1025 First Street SE with a fine line of beer, wine, and meals oh so divine. Pardon, my rhyme but I feel the selection was worth the cute play on words.” [We Love DC]
  • “Hey, It’s Ford’s Theater. That is where Jefferson was stabbed.” [Eavesdrop DC]
  • “I was surprised yesterday when I saw that there was an announcement that the Metblogs network will close down at the end of the month.” [Metroblogging DC]
  • Jesus Christ, THIS was the worst feature. Just awful. When did Wonkette get good? Maybe Retro Day was a bad idea.

About the author

Jack Stuef is your loyal editor and a freelance satirist or something like that. He is a contributing writer for The Onion. E-mail him or whatever.

View all articles by Jack Stuef

Comments

Hey there, Wonkeputians! Shypixel here to remind you to remember our Commenting Rules For Radicals, Enjoy!

  • Gopherit

    Indeed. Retro Day was played out in a retro hour. How about something like this to help build righteous indignation and snark?
    http://www.care2.com/causes/womens-rights/blog/la

    Thank you Kansas, for taking the ball from AZ for a while.

    • http://www.wonkette.com/ FlownOver

      Glad to help out. I have no doubt you'll find a way to take it back – maybe something that tops our legislator's proposal to shoot illegals from helicopters..

      • horsedreamer_1

        But, would the abortion in case of rape health insurance waiver cover abortion for any pregnancy conceived by rape, or would it have to be rape-rape?

    • DustBowlBlues

      As an Oklahoman, the home of Spooky Doktor Tom, ace negotiator on behalf of sleazy Republitards, I know I'm always grateful when another state seizes the crazy stick.

    • Sue4466

      What do you think the odds are that a women who buys a rider for insurance coverage will then have this used as evidence she was asking to be raped?

      • Gopherit

        Or wanted to thrill-kill a fetus.

        • Sue4466

          Either way, it will further evidence the complete disdain–and in fact open hatred–of women.

          As for you, Gopherit, mission accomplished, as I am feeling mightily and righteously indignant. I am sick to fucking death of the right wing cultural warriors attacks on women. How a woman can be a republican completely escapes me.

  • horsedreamer_1

    I'm thinking Jack must have been 16 or 17 when Wonkette launched — assuming he's 24 now, but that's prolly wrong — so I can see how he missed out. 16, 17, he was getting his licence, tooling around Michigan Dutch Country listening to D12 World & Oh, Inverted World!, smoking doob & trying to get to second base with someone, anyone. Not a lot of time to think about DC gossip, then.

    • Gopherit

      16 or 17 and reading wonkette instead of porn. How weird would that be?

  • Extemporanus

    "Maybe"?!

  • SwattieSwat

    heeee by 'good' he means when did it stop being about dc gossip and starting being about nearly incomprehensible Marxist wordvomit by Ken Layne…

    • easynewz

      Poopeyhead.

  • bumfug

    Is the entire Republican party really a giant prank put on by the YesMen?

  • qwerty42

    OK, here is the parody of the Cox – Alterman Catfight.

    • horsedreamer_1

      Pronounced AH-na, by the way.

      I'll get right on that, champs.

  • SorosBot

    I always found it cute.

  • SayItWithWookies

    DC news just isn't the same without rapey Kennedys on Ambien. And no, you can't use that for your band name.

    • easynewz

      Ah yes, the vivid imagery of 'Uncle Teddy' drunkenly chasing co-eds around the lawn with his pants around his ankles. Good times.

  • nounverb911

    "Metro Section: Great Assassinations"
    Does Julius Caesar count?

    • worrytron

      In terms of bang for your buck, it's hard to pass on the Archduke Franz Ferdinand.

    • SorosBot

      The entire Julio-Claudian dynasty is good for this; aside from Augustus they were all assassinated (well Tiberius is iffy; some records say it was natural, some that he was smothered by Caligula) and they all handed quite a few as well.

  • nounverb911

    I've always thought that Ford's Theatre was were the Model T was built.

  • Mahousu

    There’s something novel about the corn hole sets …
    So Justin's offers cornholing? I guess it fits in with Wonkette after all.

  • James Michael Curley

    "Maybe Retro Day was a bad idea."

    Don't get down. We give you an "A"*

    "A" for 'ain't it the truth.

    • flamingpdog

      "Looks like I picked the wrong day to stay home from work and follow Wonkette" -Steve McCroskey.

      • Gopherit

        probably a bad day to stop sniffing glue, too.

      • WriteyWriterton

        D. Glover: "I'm getting too old for this sh*t."

  • baconzgood

    Retro day tail spin eh Jack? It's just as bad as Hot tub Time Machine. I shouldn't say that because I didn't see that movie. It could have been a great movie….Probally not though.

    • DustBowlBlues

      It was abysmal. From a couple of reviews, I thought it might have hope but nada. Horrible. Let me know when someone sees Hangover 2. My expectations are very, very low.

      • baconzgood

        I think that movies premise was done to death.

        "No it's not another 'travel back in time comedy'! This one, Mr. Producer, has a hot tub"

        People watch that crap but have yet to see Kieslowski 3 color trilogy. Sheesh. Tea-party america.

        • sezme

          The headline to the review of Hot Tub Time machine as published in Canada's Globe and Mail newspaper:
          "As films called Hot Tub Time Machine go, it's not terrible"

          So there!

      • horsedreamer_1

        Hot Tub Time Machine did have Jack Steuf doppelganger Clark Duke as [SPOILER] Rob Corddry's son

  • http://www.wonkette.com ManchuCandidate

    “Hey, It’s Ford’s Theater. That is where Jefferson was stabbed.”

    No Child Left Behind, Baby!

    • Lascauxcaveman

      “Hey, It’s Ford’s Theater. That is where Jefferson was stabbed.”

      Hey, It’s Ford’s Theater. That is where Polk was punched.

      • mumbly_joe

        “Hey, It’s Ford’s Theater. That is where Jefferson was stabbed.”

        Hey, it's Ford's Theater. That is where Nixon was pardoned.

    • WriteyWriterton

      "Forget it, Jake, it's Ford's Theatre."

    • easynewz

      “Hey, It’s Ford’s Theater. That is where Jefferson was stabbed.”

      Hey It's Ford's Theater. That is where Taft fatally injured his seat.

  • chascates

    Hell, it's Retro Year! Newt Gingrich for President, lower taxes for zillionaires, people waiting for the End of the World, unrest in the Middle East, etc.

    • horsedreamer_1

      The SNL sketch, set in 2008, of a reunion of the Clinton-Lewinsky principals, might prove prescient.

      (Great sketch, too: Tim Meadows as Oprah, John Goodman as Linda Tripp (seriously, his best work), Ana Gasteyer as Hillary… Good times.)

      • James Michael Curley

        John Goodman as Linda Tripp was better looking than Linda Tripp.

        • horsedreamer_1

          Linda Tripp should look even worse than that. She should be… entombed.

          Just like that Deborah Palfrey.

  • DustBowlBlues

    And the national debt.

  • ExecutorElassus

    Well, it WAS good, back when Juli Weiner was doing it. TRY HARDER.

  • http://howtosavetheworld.ca/ BZ1

    Ford's Theater, make sure you look around before you take your seat…

    • http://intensedebate.com/people/mrblifil mrblifil

      Ask about our Corporate Skybox Special!

  • http://intensedebate.com/people/mrblifil mrblifil

    Yeah the good old days, when computers that do what my phone does today cost thousands of dollars, and I had to rummage around the video rental store behind a curtain like some troll to find halfway decent porn.

    Although if my adolescence had involved free porn, I might never have emerged from my lair of filthy laundry and mouldering late night snacks.

  • ExecutorElassus

    Well, it *was* cool, back when Juli Weiner was doing this feature. TRY HARDER.

  • alaninthecastro

    What was that you said? I'm using dial-up for Retro Day.