metro section

Metro Section: Great Assassinations

  • “Justin’s Café opened last year, just a few blocks from Nationals Park. They opened up shop at 1025 First Street SE with a fine line of beer, wine, and meals oh so divine. Pardon, my rhyme but I feel the selection was worth the cute play on words.” [We Love DC]
  • “Hey, It’s Ford’s Theater. That is where Jefferson was stabbed.” [Eavesdrop DC]
  • “I was surprised yesterday when I saw that there was an announcement that the Metblogs network will close down at the end of the month.” [Metroblogging DC]
  • Jesus Christ, THIS was the worst feature. Just awful. When did Wonkette get good? Maybe Retro Day was a bad idea.

About the author

Jack Stuef is your loyal editor and a freelance satirist or something like that. He is a contributing writer for The Onion. E-mail him or whatever.

View all articles by Jack Stuef
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Hola wonkerados.

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Also, if you are a new commenter, your comment may never appear. This is probably because we hate you.


    1. FlownOver

      Glad to help out. I have no doubt you'll find a way to take it back – maybe something that tops our legislator's proposal to shoot illegals from helicopters..

      1. horsedreamer_1

        But, would the abortion in case of rape health insurance waiver cover abortion for any pregnancy conceived by rape, or would it have to be rape-rape?

    2. DustBowlBlues

      As an Oklahoman, the home of Spooky Doktor Tom, ace negotiator on behalf of sleazy Republitards, I know I'm always grateful when another state seizes the crazy stick.

    3. Sue4466

      What do you think the odds are that a women who buys a rider for insurance coverage will then have this used as evidence she was asking to be raped?

        1. Sue4466

          Either way, it will further evidence the complete disdain–and in fact open hatred–of women.

          As for you, Gopherit, mission accomplished, as I am feeling mightily and righteously indignant. I am sick to fucking death of the right wing cultural warriors attacks on women. How a woman can be a republican completely escapes me.

  1. horsedreamer_1

    I'm thinking Jack must have been 16 or 17 when Wonkette launched — assuming he's 24 now, but that's prolly wrong — so I can see how he missed out. 16, 17, he was getting his licence, tooling around Michigan Dutch Country listening to D12 World & Oh, Inverted World!, smoking doob & trying to get to second base with someone, anyone. Not a lot of time to think about DC gossip, then.

  2. SwattieSwat

    heeee by 'good' he means when did it stop being about dc gossip and starting being about nearly incomprehensible Marxist wordvomit by Ken Layne…

  3. SayItWithWookies

    DC news just isn't the same without rapey Kennedys on Ambien. And no, you can't use that for your band name.

    1. easynewz

      Ah yes, the vivid imagery of 'Uncle Teddy' drunkenly chasing co-eds around the lawn with his pants around his ankles. Good times.

    1. worrytron

      In terms of bang for your buck, it's hard to pass on the Archduke Franz Ferdinand.

    2. SorosBot

      The entire Julio-Claudian dynasty is good for this; aside from Augustus they were all assassinated (well Tiberius is iffy; some records say it was natural, some that he was smothered by Caligula) and they all handed quite a few as well.

  4. Mahousu

    There’s something novel about the corn hole sets …
    So Justin's offers cornholing? I guess it fits in with Wonkette after all.

  5. James Michael Curley

    "Maybe Retro Day was a bad idea."

    Don't get down. We give you an "A"*

    "A" for 'ain't it the truth.

    1. flamingpdog

      "Looks like I picked the wrong day to stay home from work and follow Wonkette" -Steve McCroskey.

  6. baconzgood

    Retro day tail spin eh Jack? It's just as bad as Hot tub Time Machine. I shouldn't say that because I didn't see that movie. It could have been a great movie….Probally not though.

    1. DustBowlBlues

      It was abysmal. From a couple of reviews, I thought it might have hope but nada. Horrible. Let me know when someone sees Hangover 2. My expectations are very, very low.

      1. baconzgood

        I think that movies premise was done to death.

        "No it's not another 'travel back in time comedy'! This one, Mr. Producer, has a hot tub"

        People watch that crap but have yet to see Kieslowski 3 color trilogy. Sheesh. Tea-party america.

        1. sezme

          The headline to the review of Hot Tub Time machine as published in Canada's Globe and Mail newspaper:
          "As films called Hot Tub Time Machine go, it's not terrible"

          So there!

      2. horsedreamer_1

        Hot Tub Time Machine did have Jack Steuf doppelganger Clark Duke as [SPOILER] Rob Corddry's son

    1. Lascauxcaveman

      “Hey, It’s Ford’s Theater. That is where Jefferson was stabbed.”

      Hey, It’s Ford’s Theater. That is where Polk was punched.

      1. mumbly_joe

        “Hey, It’s Ford’s Theater. That is where Jefferson was stabbed.”

        Hey, it's Ford's Theater. That is where Nixon was pardoned.

    2. easynewz

      “Hey, It’s Ford’s Theater. That is where Jefferson was stabbed.”

      Hey It's Ford's Theater. That is where Taft fatally injured his seat.

  7. chascates

    Hell, it's Retro Year! Newt Gingrich for President, lower taxes for zillionaires, people waiting for the End of the World, unrest in the Middle East, etc.

    1. horsedreamer_1

      The SNL sketch, set in 2008, of a reunion of the Clinton-Lewinsky principals, might prove prescient.

      (Great sketch, too: Tim Meadows as Oprah, John Goodman as Linda Tripp (seriously, his best work), Ana Gasteyer as Hillary… Good times.)

        1. horsedreamer_1

          Linda Tripp should look even worse than that. She should be… entombed.

          Just like that Deborah Palfrey.

  8. mrblifil

    Yeah the good old days, when computers that do what my phone does today cost thousands of dollars, and I had to rummage around the video rental store behind a curtain like some troll to find halfway decent porn.

    Although if my adolescence had involved free porn, I might never have emerged from my lair of filthy laundry and mouldering late night snacks.

  9. ExecutorElassus

    Well, it *was* cool, back when Juli Weiner was doing this feature. TRY HARDER.

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