METRO SECTION  2:31 pm May 19, 2011

Metro Section: Great Assassinations

by Jack Stuef

  • “Justin’s Café opened last year, just a few blocks from Nationals Park. They opened up shop at 1025 First Street SE with a fine line of beer, wine, and meals oh so divine. Pardon, my rhyme but I feel the selection was worth the cute play on words.” [We Love DC]
  • “Hey, It’s Ford’s Theater. That is where Jefferson was stabbed.” [Eavesdrop DC]
  • “I was surprised yesterday when I saw that there was an announcement that the Metblogs network will close down at the end of the month.” [Metroblogging DC]
  • Jesus Christ, THIS was the worst feature. Just awful. When did Wonkette get good? Maybe Retro Day was a bad idea.
 

Hola wonkerados.

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{ 48 comments }

Gopherit May 19, 2011 at 2:36 pm

Indeed. Retro Day was played out in a retro hour. How about something like this to help build righteous indignation and snark?
http://www.care2.com/causes/womens-rights/blog/la

Thank you Kansas, for taking the ball from AZ for a while.

FlownOver May 19, 2011 at 2:52 pm

Glad to help out. I have no doubt you'll find a way to take it back – maybe something that tops our legislator's proposal to shoot illegals from helicopters..

horsedreamer_1 May 19, 2011 at 2:57 pm

But, would the abortion in case of rape health insurance waiver cover abortion for any pregnancy conceived by rape, or would it have to be rape-rape?

DustBowlBlues May 19, 2011 at 3:09 pm

As an Oklahoman, the home of Spooky Doktor Tom, ace negotiator on behalf of sleazy Republitards, I know I'm always grateful when another state seizes the crazy stick.

Sue4466 May 19, 2011 at 3:12 pm

What do you think the odds are that a women who buys a rider for insurance coverage will then have this used as evidence she was asking to be raped?

Gopherit May 19, 2011 at 3:14 pm

Or wanted to thrill-kill a fetus.

Sue4466 May 19, 2011 at 3:22 pm

Either way, it will further evidence the complete disdain–and in fact open hatred–of women.

As for you, Gopherit, mission accomplished, as I am feeling mightily and righteously indignant. I am sick to fucking death of the right wing cultural warriors attacks on women. How a woman can be a republican completely escapes me.

horsedreamer_1 May 19, 2011 at 2:37 pm

I'm thinking Jack must have been 16 or 17 when Wonkette launched — assuming he's 24 now, but that's prolly wrong — so I can see how he missed out. 16, 17, he was getting his licence, tooling around Michigan Dutch Country listening to D12 World & Oh, Inverted World!, smoking doob & trying to get to second base with someone, anyone. Not a lot of time to think about DC gossip, then.

Gopherit May 19, 2011 at 2:39 pm

16 or 17 and reading wonkette instead of porn. How weird would that be?

Extemporanus May 19, 2011 at 2:39 pm

"Maybe"?!

SwattieSwat May 19, 2011 at 2:40 pm

heeee by 'good' he means when did it stop being about dc gossip and starting being about nearly incomprehensible Marxist wordvomit by Ken Layne…

easynewz May 22, 2011 at 10:08 am

Poopeyhead.

bumfug May 19, 2011 at 2:42 pm

Is the entire Republican party really a giant prank put on by the YesMen?

qwerty42 May 19, 2011 at 2:42 pm

OK, here is the parody of the Cox – Alterman Catfight.

horsedreamer_1 May 19, 2011 at 2:55 pm

Pronounced AH-na, by the way.

I'll get right on that, champs.

SorosBot May 19, 2011 at 2:42 pm

I always found it cute.

SayItWithWookies May 19, 2011 at 2:44 pm

DC news just isn't the same without rapey Kennedys on Ambien. And no, you can't use that for your band name.

easynewz May 20, 2011 at 4:15 am

Ah yes, the vivid imagery of 'Uncle Teddy' drunkenly chasing co-eds around the lawn with his pants around his ankles. Good times.

nounverb911 May 19, 2011 at 2:46 pm

"Metro Section: Great Assassinations"
Does Julius Caesar count?

worrytron May 19, 2011 at 2:49 pm

In terms of bang for your buck, it's hard to pass on the Archduke Franz Ferdinand.

SorosBot May 19, 2011 at 2:58 pm

The entire Julio-Claudian dynasty is good for this; aside from Augustus they were all assassinated (well Tiberius is iffy; some records say it was natural, some that he was smothered by Caligula) and they all handed quite a few as well.

nounverb911 May 19, 2011 at 2:48 pm

I've always thought that Ford's Theatre was were the Model T was built.

Mahousu May 19, 2011 at 2:57 pm

There’s something novel about the corn hole sets …
So Justin's offers cornholing? I guess it fits in with Wonkette after all.

James Michael Curley May 19, 2011 at 2:59 pm

"Maybe Retro Day was a bad idea."

Don't get down. We give you an "A"*

"A" for 'ain't it the truth.

flamingpdog May 19, 2011 at 3:01 pm

"Looks like I picked the wrong day to stay home from work and follow Wonkette" -Steve McCroskey.

Gopherit May 19, 2011 at 3:06 pm

probably a bad day to stop sniffing glue, too.

WriteyWriterton May 19, 2011 at 5:33 pm

D. Glover: "I'm getting too old for this sh*t."

baconzgood May 19, 2011 at 3:01 pm

Retro day tail spin eh Jack? It's just as bad as Hot tub Time Machine. I shouldn't say that because I didn't see that movie. It could have been a great movie….Probally not though.

DustBowlBlues May 19, 2011 at 3:15 pm

It was abysmal. From a couple of reviews, I thought it might have hope but nada. Horrible. Let me know when someone sees Hangover 2. My expectations are very, very low.

baconzgood May 19, 2011 at 3:29 pm

I think that movies premise was done to death.

"No it's not another 'travel back in time comedy'! This one, Mr. Producer, has a hot tub"

People watch that crap but have yet to see Kieslowski 3 color trilogy. Sheesh. Tea-party america.

sezme May 21, 2011 at 12:59 pm

The headline to the review of Hot Tub Time machine as published in Canada's Globe and Mail newspaper:
"As films called Hot Tub Time Machine go, it's not terrible"

So there!

horsedreamer_1 May 19, 2011 at 3:43 pm

Hot Tub Time Machine did have Jack Steuf doppelganger Clark Duke as [SPOILER] Rob Corddry's son

ManchuCandidate May 19, 2011 at 3:03 pm

“Hey, It’s Ford’s Theater. That is where Jefferson was stabbed.”

No Child Left Behind, Baby!

Lascauxcaveman May 19, 2011 at 3:56 pm

“Hey, It’s Ford’s Theater. That is where Jefferson was stabbed.”

Hey, It’s Ford’s Theater. That is where Polk was punched.

mumbly_joe May 19, 2011 at 8:30 pm

“Hey, It’s Ford’s Theater. That is where Jefferson was stabbed.”

Hey, it's Ford's Theater. That is where Nixon was pardoned.

WriteyWriterton May 19, 2011 at 5:34 pm

"Forget it, Jake, it's Ford's Theatre."

easynewz May 20, 2011 at 4:12 am

“Hey, It’s Ford’s Theater. That is where Jefferson was stabbed.”

Hey It's Ford's Theater. That is where Taft fatally injured his seat.

chascates May 19, 2011 at 3:06 pm

Hell, it's Retro Year! Newt Gingrich for President, lower taxes for zillionaires, people waiting for the End of the World, unrest in the Middle East, etc.

horsedreamer_1 May 19, 2011 at 3:17 pm

The SNL sketch, set in 2008, of a reunion of the Clinton-Lewinsky principals, might prove prescient.

(Great sketch, too: Tim Meadows as Oprah, John Goodman as Linda Tripp (seriously, his best work), Ana Gasteyer as Hillary… Good times.)

James Michael Curley May 19, 2011 at 3:36 pm

John Goodman as Linda Tripp was better looking than Linda Tripp.

horsedreamer_1 May 19, 2011 at 3:45 pm

Linda Tripp should look even worse than that. She should be… entombed.

Just like that Deborah Palfrey.

DustBowlBlues May 19, 2011 at 3:13 pm

And the national debt.

ExecutorElassus May 19, 2011 at 3:42 pm

Well, it WAS good, back when Juli Weiner was doing it. TRY HARDER.

BZ1 May 19, 2011 at 4:09 pm

Ford's Theater, make sure you look around before you take your seat…

mrblifil May 19, 2011 at 6:16 pm

Ask about our Corporate Skybox Special!

mrblifil May 19, 2011 at 6:16 pm

Yeah the good old days, when computers that do what my phone does today cost thousands of dollars, and I had to rummage around the video rental store behind a curtain like some troll to find halfway decent porn.

Although if my adolescence had involved free porn, I might never have emerged from my lair of filthy laundry and mouldering late night snacks.

ExecutorElassus May 19, 2011 at 6:28 pm

Well, it *was* cool, back when Juli Weiner was doing this feature. TRY HARDER.

alaninthecastro May 19, 2011 at 7:42 pm

What was that you said? I'm using dial-up for Retro Day.

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