WONK'D  1:50 pm May 19, 2011

Wonk’d: Neocon Expo

by Jack Stuef

This week, Paul Wolfowitz, Scooter Libby, Dick Gephardt, Alberto Gonzalez, Zell Miller, Strom Thurmond, and Tim Russert were all spotted being various degrees of famous at various places by our spies and operatives. Voyeuristic fun, as always, is after the jump.

See someone we’ve heard of somewhere in or near the district? Tell us about it in an email, with the subject line “Wonk’d” or “Sighting.”

• I saw Paul Wolfowitz sitting alone in Nathan’s in Georgetown yesterday reading about The Passion of the Christ in Life magazine. Then he looked at his pager, and it must have been important (they found the WMDs?), because he was on the payphone for a while.
• Spotted Scooter Libby at the Baltimore Orioles-Montreal Expos game at Camden Yards last night. The little kid sitting next to him spilled a whole bottle of Mountain Dew Code Red on his lap and then was detained by a few agents in dark sunglasses. We never saw the kid again, and those of us who laughed when it happened were told to give our names and addresses.
Dick Gephardt was with what looked to be his wife seeing From Justin To Kelly at the Regal Ballston Common 12 Thursday night. They applauded after each musical number.
• Was researching something for college at the Library of Congress today and saw Alberto Gonzalez ripping pages out of a book of records and flushing them down a toilet in the bathroom. He shrieked when I said “hi” and ran to the front desk shouting “terrorist!” and demanding to see what books I’ve checked out.
Zell Miller was sitting on the sidewalk at the corner of K and 3rd eating some kind of raw meat (horse maybe?) off of a pretty big bone. He growled at anyone who came near him. The blood was running down his cheeks and staining his seersucker suit.
• i saw strom thurmond and tim russert giving each other blowjobs underneath the stairs at the newseum in arlington

 
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{ 120 comments }

memzilla May 19, 2011 at 1:53 pm

I saw Jack Abramoff tearing up tickets at the OTB parlor and complaining about how the jockeys won't stay paid off.

Badonkadonkette May 19, 2011 at 1:54 pm

I thought I saw Ronald Reagan at the Roller Derby, but then I realized it was just Jesus.

freakishlywrong May 19, 2011 at 1:55 pm

All of those assholes. A sure sign of the Rupture.

DerrickWildcat May 19, 2011 at 1:55 pm

Yuck, glad I don't live in D.C.

user-of-owls May 19, 2011 at 1:56 pm

When are you going to get around to resurrecting the yellow guy with the judicial robe fetish? He actually responded to my very first tip!

I miss that guy.

AJW@[redacted] May 19, 2011 at 3:46 pm

You mean, like, Goodwin Liu? Fuck that guy, sez GOP…

Lascauxcaveman May 19, 2011 at 4:09 pm

Yellow guy?

I say, Wonkette has no truck with cowards, sir!

user-of-owls May 19, 2011 at 4:14 pm

Bully!

We'll give Johnny Chinaman a drubbing he won't soon forget, I dare say!

user-of-owls May 19, 2011 at 1:58 pm

Ok, now this has gotten out of fucking hand. I am currently showing FUCKING ZERO PEE.

Schmannnity May 19, 2011 at 1:59 pm

Drink more fluids!

Badonkadonkette May 19, 2011 at 1:59 pm

Same thing happened to me. It comes back. I like to think it's because we temporarily overloaded IntenseDebates awesome-o-meter.

memzilla May 19, 2011 at 2:04 pm

Your p-ness has returned to its normal size, thanks to Wonkette's Verbal Viagra (pat.pend.).

baconzgood May 19, 2011 at 2:13 pm

That happened to me. Also Wonketters tried to take one of my pees because I trashed Bob Dylan (down fisting me 16 times more than up fisting)….So sensitive. Like they know him or somthing.

chicken_thief May 19, 2011 at 2:30 pm

"Everyone sings Bob Dylan better than Bob Dylan". ~ chicken thief, at every occasion a Dylan song is played.

SorosBot May 19, 2011 at 2:33 pm

True if by "everyone" you mean "Jimi Hendrix with All Along the Watchtower, and absolutely nobody else".

chicken_thief May 19, 2011 at 4:17 pm

Both Hendrix and, of all people, John Cougar's (Kenny Aronoff on drums!) live versions of Like a Rolling Stone are pretty sweet as well.

AJW@[redacted] May 19, 2011 at 3:47 pm

We thought you wanted it that way, hence the mass orgy of downfising.

Jukesgrrl May 19, 2011 at 5:01 pm

And in related news, my p finally went over a hundred. You CANNOT defeat me, Downfister!!!!!! I have a degree in Journalism.

WriteyWriterton May 19, 2011 at 5:18 pm

Where is BTWBFDIMHO when you need him?

Serolf_Divad May 19, 2011 at 1:58 pm

I saw Jesse Helms being sodomized by Satan in Hell.

mog253 May 19, 2011 at 2:02 pm

And he LIKED it.

Gopherit May 19, 2011 at 2:15 pm

You have a working title for a great song there.

jaytingle May 19, 2011 at 2:45 pm

And Satan was wearing two rubbers.

user-of-owls May 19, 2011 at 2:00 pm

No, really. ZERO FUCKING PEE!!

My fucking pee has been raptured. What the fucking fuck!?!?!?

Gopherit May 19, 2011 at 2:03 pm

Somewhere, a Breitard downfister is chuckling softly.

Badonkadonkette is right. It grows back. Well, not the foreskin, but the rest, yes.

KeepFnThatChicken May 19, 2011 at 2:08 pm

Wow. That's weird.

(so am I supposed to be staring at you in the "Jesus-how-bad-is-that-lesion-on-your-lip-there" way or the "Sorry-your-wife-left-you-for-another-woman-dude" way?)

deit: Your shit is back. CURSE YOU, BRIGHTFART

GOPCrusher May 19, 2011 at 5:26 pm

True Story: Worked with a guy who found out his wife was a lesbian by reading about it in an article about the gay and lesbian lifestyle in the local newspaper.

baconzgood May 19, 2011 at 2:01 pm

I thought I saw John Boehner at the Safeway on Virginia Avenue then realized it was just a tangerine.

chicken_thief May 19, 2011 at 2:33 pm

Possibly a tangeronion? Orange and crying?

pinkocommi May 19, 2011 at 2:01 pm

"The little kid sitting next to [Scooter Libby] spilled a whole bottle of Mountain Dew Code Red on his lap…."

If there were any justice in the world, that would happen to Scooter Libby everywhere he goes. Everyday. At least 12 times a day.

user-of-owls May 19, 2011 at 2:02 pm

This is not retro transcendence!

KeepFnThatChicken May 19, 2011 at 2:05 pm

And here I was about to get fappy about the upcoming Wonkette Neo-Con-Vention-Expo.

Goddammit, now I get to loft BB's into the other cubicles again, just to curb my rage.

Chillwaver May 19, 2011 at 2:05 pm

I saw Ann Coulter crashing Sarah and Michele's scissoring party. Note to self: never bring a penis to a cunt fight.

Beetagger May 19, 2011 at 2:06 pm

I saw Bukowski giving Jesus a wedgie at the Pioneer Chicken Stand on Alvarado St.

Ken Layne May 19, 2011 at 2:09 pm

I saw Jesus at McDonald's at midnight ….

Gopherit May 19, 2011 at 2:11 pm

He truly is everywhere that his faithful can be found.

worrytron May 19, 2011 at 2:19 pm

"I will seriously rapture the next motherfucker who tells me we don't serve breakfast til 4."

tribbzthesquidz May 19, 2011 at 2:34 pm

Did he say "Mojo, it's fiiinger lickiiiiin!"? Wait, wrong corporate mascot.

CapeClod May 19, 2011 at 2:37 pm

I saw Jesus blowing up balloons all day, in a garage by the motorway.

Lascauxcaveman May 19, 2011 at 4:13 pm

I can see Daniel waving goodbye.

Beetagger May 19, 2011 at 2:53 pm

Was he vibrator dependent?

bagofmice May 19, 2011 at 4:35 pm

Wow. You can get those crackers at McDonald's now?

SorosBot May 19, 2011 at 2:06 pm

I saw Condoleeza Rice at the panda exhibit at the zoo, checking out that cute little Butterstick; she never showed a single sign of emotion.

Gopherit May 19, 2011 at 2:13 pm

She was probably plotting that commie bastard's demise.

Jukesgrrl May 19, 2011 at 5:04 pm

She would have given him a pass had he been Russian, but no dice.

user-of-owls May 19, 2011 at 2:08 pm

I am whole again. Guess ID God found my pee's soul record to be wanting and sent it back down to the minors.

SayItWithWookies May 19, 2011 at 2:10 pm

I saw Morton Kondrache and Tip O'Neill having dinner and drinks at Duke Ellington's.

user-of-owls May 19, 2011 at 2:12 pm

So you caught the Edith Piaf show too?

She's going places, I tell ya.

WriteyWriterton May 19, 2011 at 5:21 pm

Ew.

Schmannnity May 19, 2011 at 2:13 pm

I saw Lon Chaney, Jr. walkin' with the Queen, doin' the werewolves of London.

Extemporanus May 19, 2011 at 2:21 pm

I saw a werewolf drinking a piña colada at Trader Vics.

[DAMMIT! You beat my comment by one minute because I got some super-weird message saying "ERROR! Is this comment yours?", so I moved the thing here.

Also, my spell check thinks "colada" should be spelled "cloaca". Get shitfaced, you guys!]

WriteyWriterton May 19, 2011 at 5:22 pm

The second I read the post, I heard "da-daaa,da-daaa, dadada-daaaa" in my head.

Great minds, same gutter.

freakishlywrong May 19, 2011 at 2:16 pm

I saw a couple of ridiculously inane skanks who saw Juan McCain and some other asshole wailing down whole steaks and a whole fish and some lame ass fucking crumble for desert. The rapture makes one hungry.

Fare la Volpe May 19, 2011 at 2:16 pm

I met Danny Gokey on a moon bounce. Does that count?

user-of-owls May 19, 2011 at 4:17 pm

Not as much as when I met Annie Oakley and we played Whack-A-Mole.

Fare la Volpe May 19, 2011 at 4:31 pm

I met Butch Cassidy in Bolivia once. Wonder what happened to that kid.

user-of-owls May 19, 2011 at 4:39 pm

He is Evo's "fixer."

SarahsBush May 19, 2011 at 2:22 pm

I saw Obama fapping to pictures of dead Bin Laden and muttering to himself, "No one gets to see these but me, baby…NO ONE!"

widestanceroman May 19, 2011 at 2:24 pm

I saw Richard in 1968 in Detroit, but have not seen him since.

PuckStopsHere May 19, 2011 at 3:18 pm

I'm still here. Good year, '68. The Tigers won the World Series and the fires all went out.

Extemporanus May 19, 2011 at 2:26 pm

I felt a great disturbance in the Wonkette, as if millions of p-nesses suddenly cried out in terror and were suddenly zero.

proudgrampa May 19, 2011 at 3:52 pm

I, for one, wish to express my gratitude to all my supporters for raising my p to 90. It had only been 89 for 6 months…

Thank You!

Love,

proudgrampa

Jukesgrrl May 19, 2011 at 5:12 pm

You're welcome. I upfist you all the time, Gramps. I know you still need a lovelife.

weejee May 19, 2011 at 2:26 pm

Given it's retro day, wasn't Strom Thurmond Wonkette's resident ginger back in the day when the blog posting were posted on the bathroom walls of your neighborhood Greyhound station?

worrytron May 19, 2011 at 2:30 pm

That's right, and in those days, nickels had pictures of bumblebees on 'em. Gimme five bees for a quarter, you'd say. Now where was I… oh yeah. The important thing was that I had an onion tied to my belt, which was the style at the time. You couldn't get white onions, because of the war. The only thing you could get was those big yellow ones…

Allmighty_Manos May 19, 2011 at 2:28 pm

Me and Bill Clinton shared a spliff under a bridge in Rock Creek Park last night. That does that count as a spot?

SorosBot May 19, 2011 at 2:36 pm

I saw Kitty Harris watching the news with those new Abu Gharib photos with her hand down her pants, making weird noises.

Jukesgrrl May 19, 2011 at 5:13 pm

Kitty Harris … Nooooooooooooooooooo!!! My eyes, my EYES!!!!!!

FlownOver May 19, 2011 at 2:37 pm

I saw mommy kissing Santa Claus underneath the mistletoe last night…

Wait… it wasn't Mommy, it was Marsha Blackburn.
And it wasn't Santa, it was Karl Marx.
And if she was trying to kiss him her aim was off by two or three feet.

Mahousu May 19, 2011 at 2:39 pm

I was standing outside Signatures when Theodore Olson handed me a large box marked "Palm Beach presidential ballots" and asked me to hold onto them for a minute. He then sped off in a cab, and I haven't seen him since. What should I do with these things? The chads are getting all over everything.

chicken_thief May 19, 2011 at 2:39 pm

I saw the Govanator and John Ensign sitting at a table at the Ritz waiting for some hot shot international banker type or something. Neither looked particularly happy…

Monsieur_Grumpe May 19, 2011 at 2:42 pm

I had breakfast with Chairman Mao. He chews with his mouth open and stuck me with the check. Jerk.

user-of-owls May 19, 2011 at 4:19 pm

How did he get away? Swim across the Yangtze again?

What a poseur.

FlownOver May 19, 2011 at 2:45 pm

(OK, then, Downfisty – see if you like this one better)

I saw the best minds of my generation destroyed by madness, starving hysterical naked,
dragging themselves through the negro streets at dawn looking for a credible candidate.

baconzgood May 19, 2011 at 3:05 pm

That makes me want to do Benzedrine and smack.

FlownOver May 19, 2011 at 3:48 pm

Taking this retro thing a little too seriously, are we?

WriteyWriterton May 19, 2011 at 5:27 pm

Makes me want to Wait for The Man.

Jukesgrrl May 19, 2011 at 5:18 pm

I think you've hit on something; gay poetry might actually KILL the downfister.

fartknocker May 19, 2011 at 2:46 pm

I hope I get to have a meal and drink with Ann Richards and Molly Ivins after Saturday's rapture.

PabaBritannica May 19, 2011 at 4:19 pm

Goddamit this depresses me. Why'd you have to lose, Ann? You'd be president right now.

proudgrampa May 19, 2011 at 2:47 pm

I was at the Watergate and saw Agnew nattering about nabobs of negativism.

jaytingle May 19, 2011 at 2:47 pm

Bet she doesn't get the reference.

flamingpdog May 19, 2011 at 3:03 pm

Ah, the sweet ignorance of youth.

Steverino247 May 19, 2011 at 2:53 pm

Draw (His) blood!

carlgt1 May 19, 2011 at 2:58 pm

I suppose these neocon heads are exploding as Obama just gave a speech in which he encouraged Israel to go back to it's 1967 borders!

proudgrampa May 19, 2011 at 3:05 pm

Man, it must be the rapture. I think BHO has lost it.

Steverino247 May 19, 2011 at 3:01 pm

I saw Frank Zappa in Heidelberg in 1977 and it cost me the princely sum of 20 bucks.

I saw Jesse Jackson with his hand in his open fly adjusting his shirt tails after he stepped out of the port-a-potty at the NOW March for Women's Lives in 1992.

I saw Z-beams and attack ships off the shoulder of Orion.

Yep. I get around, baby.

GuyClinch May 19, 2011 at 3:03 pm

Gary Bauer parked my car for me at Ruth's Chris Steakhouse. Short little fella, but boy can he run! Tipped him a dollar in dimes which I "accidentally" dropped on the sidewalk. Cute how he scampered around picking them up.

WriteyWriterton May 19, 2011 at 5:26 pm

I saw him fighting with Ralph Reed for your last dime.

proudgrampa May 19, 2011 at 3:04 pm

Later that evening, Agnew told me he was quite hopeless about the hysterical hypochondriacs of history.

Dudleydidwrong May 19, 2011 at 3:04 pm

I saw Molly Ivins and Barbara Jordan at the Gold's in Arlington, working out and getting in shape for a much-needed come back.

PuckStopsHere May 19, 2011 at 3:08 pm

That's what I miss: "After the jump." I miss the jump. Where did it go? Who can explain it? And the cute Wonkette girl in her glasses. I miss her, too.

jus_wonderin May 19, 2011 at 3:11 pm

I have been to paradise but I have never been to me.

PuckStopsHere May 19, 2011 at 3:12 pm

Montreal Expos. Now that's funny. Did you know they are now the Washington Nationals? True story. But first they were exiled by Canada City to Puerto Rico. And now they are ours. Such a cute little baseball team. And they play in The Majors! One must constantly remind ones self, they play in The Majors.

GOPCrusher May 19, 2011 at 5:34 pm

Washington was just jealous because the St. Louis Browns moved to Baltimore.

BarackMyWorld May 19, 2011 at 3:12 pm

I saw Jack Stuef was given free-reign over the Wonkette today. 100 horrible memes were born.

flamingpdog May 19, 2011 at 3:13 pm

No freedom fries for you, Canuckigarcon.

KeepFnThatChicken May 19, 2011 at 3:16 pm

All I can come up with is "Henry Kissinger would cold hate-fuck Chuck Norris, just because it's the only way he can be understood."

PuckStopsHere May 19, 2011 at 3:17 pm

Do they vie for Le Coup Stanlee?

Lascauxcaveman May 19, 2011 at 4:17 pm

No, but it looks like the Vancouver Canucks just might this year. A Canadian team in the Stanley Cup Final? That's just wrong.

Jukesgrrl May 19, 2011 at 5:07 pm

How could you not like someone who calls themselves a Canuck?

WriteyWriterton May 19, 2011 at 5:21 pm

A: Canuck, nuck, nuck.

Q: What does Curly say in Toronto?

Lascauxcaveman May 19, 2011 at 6:18 pm

In truth, I don't watch that much NHL, but when I do, I'm rooting for the Canucks, eh? I get the teevee stations in Vancouver, from my hillside cave facing Canada, and catch the sports news sometimes.

When the Canucks, after having won more games this year than anybody in hockey, let that first round series with The Blackhawks go to seven games, all of Vancouver BC was seriously freaking out. I mean shitting bricks, tearing hair, hyperventilating, committing suicide, etc.

It was so adorable.

Jukesgrrl May 19, 2011 at 11:40 pm

I lived in Washington state briefly and the best thing about it was Vancouver TV. I will never get over my love affair with Coroner Dominic Da Vinci.

Go Canucks! Eat those Sharks for dinner!

Graham Cracker May 19, 2011 at 3:25 pm

I thought I saw George W. Bush at the Farmer's Market…

but it was just another vegetable.

BZ1 May 19, 2011 at 4:00 pm

I saw prezindential legal beagle, John WOO, WOO boning up on how to make up stuff… (hee, hee, I said boning…)

AJW@[redacted] May 19, 2011 at 4:13 pm

C'mon, Jack–you don't expect any of us to believe any of this crap without pix, do ya?

PabaBritannica May 19, 2011 at 4:21 pm

I saw the Southern Democrats at Dulles boarding a plane to Bermuda with the Main Street Republicans. They were flying Independence Air.

DangerHelvetica May 19, 2011 at 4:32 pm

I saw a werewolf drinking a pina colada at Trader Vic's. Or it was Wolf Blitzer.

WriteyWriterton May 19, 2011 at 5:20 pm

Oh, RIP, Warren. RIP.

lochnessmonster May 19, 2011 at 5:20 pm

What's a payphone?

Jukesgrrl May 19, 2011 at 5:23 pm

I ate next to G. Gordon Liddy at the Mayflower Hotel once. The man I was with said, "If you say one word, I'm out of here and I'm leaving you with the check." So I remained silent, but I put cigarettes out on my arm the rest of the night in his honor.

MadBrahms May 19, 2011 at 6:03 pm

I don't think my p-ness will ever top 100 again. I make too many Serious Posts(tm), which get less upfists, and I also appear to be a target for the Army of Downfist. Hey, at least I rate a threat!

And owls, baby, you know I love you. I try to upfist the posters I follow every evening. Usually after a nice glass of champagne.

lulzmonger May 19, 2011 at 10:53 pm

Don't sweat it – I doubt I'll see a three digit p-score anytime soon either: always leave comments waaaaay after threads go stale, & I lack the panache of Teh Kewl Kidz snarking their way to 200.

I'd be bummed out, if I actually cared.

user-of-owls May 19, 2011 at 11:38 pm

You are, sir, a grand and eloquent contributor to our gaggle of reprobates. Wishing you Tiny Bubbles joy, sincerely, UOO.

lulzmonger May 19, 2011 at 10:58 pm

I saw the greatest mimes of our times, all trapped in invisible boxes.

Negropolis May 20, 2011 at 1:13 am

I saw Robert Novack jumping up and down in Port au Prince right before the great Haitian quake.

I saw Scott Walker sucking off a Koch in the Meatpacking District.

I saw Sarah Goode dancing with the devil in the pale moonlight.

easynewz May 20, 2011 at 4:00 am

I was passing by the White House kitchen and saw the kitchen staffer who gave Dubya the near-fatal pretzel giggling his fucking ass off.

KeepFnThatChicken May 20, 2011 at 9:27 am

How's your indifference life going?

C_R_Eature May 20, 2011 at 11:32 am

I saw Dick Cheney driving his black Panzerkaumpfwagen through St. Michaels, MD. My radio faded, let out a few bursts of static and the "Imperial Theme" from Star Wars came on. It was over in less than a minute.

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