Wonk’d: Neocon Expo

This week, Paul Wolfowitz, Scooter Libby, Dick Gephardt, Alberto Gonzalez, Zell Miller, Strom Thurmond, and Tim Russert were all spotted being various degrees of famous at various places by our spies and operatives. Voyeuristic fun, as always, is after the jump.

See someone we’ve heard of somewhere in or near the district? Tell us about it in an email, with the subject line “Wonk’d” or “Sighting.”

• I saw Paul Wolfowitz sitting alone in Nathan’s in Georgetown yesterday reading about The Passion of the Christ in Life magazine. Then he looked at his pager, and it must have been important (they found the WMDs?), because he was on the payphone for a while.
• Spotted Scooter Libby at the Baltimore Orioles-Montreal Expos game at Camden Yards last night. The little kid sitting next to him spilled a whole bottle of Mountain Dew Code Red on his lap and then was detained by a few agents in dark sunglasses. We never saw the kid again, and those of us who laughed when it happened were told to give our names and addresses.
Dick Gephardt was with what looked to be his wife seeing From Justin To Kelly at the Regal Ballston Common 12 Thursday night. They applauded after each musical number.
• Was researching something for college at the Library of Congress today and saw Alberto Gonzalez ripping pages out of a book of records and flushing them down a toilet in the bathroom. He shrieked when I said “hi” and ran to the front desk shouting “terrorist!” and demanding to see what books I’ve checked out.
Zell Miller was sitting on the sidewalk at the corner of K and 3rd eating some kind of raw meat (horse maybe?) off of a pretty big bone. He growled at anyone who came near him. The blood was running down his cheeks and staining his seersucker suit.
• i saw strom thurmond and tim russert giving each other blowjobs underneath the stairs at the newseum in arlington

About the author

Jack Stuef is your loyal editor and a freelance satirist or something like that. He is a contributing writer for The Onion. E-mail him or whatever.

View all articles by Jack Stuef
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  1. memzilla

    I saw Jack Abramoff tearing up tickets at the OTB parlor and complaining about how the jockeys won't stay paid off.

  2. Badonkadonkette

    I thought I saw Ronald Reagan at the Roller Derby, but then I realized it was just Jesus.

  3. user-of-owls

    When are you going to get around to resurrecting the yellow guy with the judicial robe fetish? He actually responded to my very first tip!

    I miss that guy.

      1. user-of-owls


        We'll give Johnny Chinaman a drubbing he won't soon forget, I dare say!

  4. user-of-owls

    Ok, now this has gotten out of fucking hand. I am currently showing FUCKING ZERO PEE.

    1. Badonkadonkette

      Same thing happened to me. It comes back. I like to think it's because we temporarily overloaded IntenseDebates awesome-o-meter.

    2. memzilla

      Your p-ness has returned to its normal size, thanks to Wonkette's Verbal Viagra (pat.pend.).

    3. baconzgood

      That happened to me. Also Wonketters tried to take one of my pees because I trashed Bob Dylan (down fisting me 16 times more than up fisting)….So sensitive. Like they know him or somthing.

      1. chicken_thief

        "Everyone sings Bob Dylan better than Bob Dylan". ~ chicken thief, at every occasion a Dylan song is played.

        1. SorosBot

          True if by "everyone" you mean "Jimi Hendrix with All Along the Watchtower, and absolutely nobody else".

          1. chicken_thief

            Both Hendrix and, of all people, John Cougar's (Kenny Aronoff on drums!) live versions of Like a Rolling Stone are pretty sweet as well.

    4. Jukesgrrl

      And in related news, my p finally went over a hundred. You CANNOT defeat me, Downfister!!!!!! I have a degree in Journalism.

  5. user-of-owls

    No, really. ZERO FUCKING PEE!!

    My fucking pee has been raptured. What the fucking fuck!?!?!?

    1. Gopherit

      Somewhere, a Breitard downfister is chuckling softly.

      Badonkadonkette is right. It grows back. Well, not the foreskin, but the rest, yes.

    2. KeepFnThatChicken

      Wow. That's weird.

      (so am I supposed to be staring at you in the "Jesus-how-bad-is-that-lesion-on-your-lip-there" way or the "Sorry-your-wife-left-you-for-another-woman-dude" way?)

      deit: Your shit is back. CURSE YOU, BRIGHTFART

      1. GOPCrusher

        True Story: Worked with a guy who found out his wife was a lesbian by reading about it in an article about the gay and lesbian lifestyle in the local newspaper.

  6. baconzgood

    I thought I saw John Boehner at the Safeway on Virginia Avenue then realized it was just a tangerine.

  7. pinkocommi

    "The little kid sitting next to [Scooter Libby] spilled a whole bottle of Mountain Dew Code Red on his lap…."

    If there were any justice in the world, that would happen to Scooter Libby everywhere he goes. Everyday. At least 12 times a day.

  8. KeepFnThatChicken

    And here I was about to get fappy about the upcoming Wonkette Neo-Con-Vention-Expo.

    Goddammit, now I get to loft BB's into the other cubicles again, just to curb my rage.

  9. Beetagger

    I saw Bukowski giving Jesus a wedgie at the Pioneer Chicken Stand on Alvarado St.

      1. worrytron

        "I will seriously rapture the next motherfucker who tells me we don't serve breakfast til 4."

      2. tribbzthesquidz

        Did he say "Mojo, it's fiiinger lickiiiiin!"? Wait, wrong corporate mascot.

  10. SorosBot

    I saw Condoleeza Rice at the panda exhibit at the zoo, checking out that cute little Butterstick; she never showed a single sign of emotion.

  11. user-of-owls

    I am whole again. Guess ID God found my pee's soul record to be wanting and sent it back down to the minors.

  12. SayItWithWookies

    I saw Morton Kondrache and Tip O'Neill having dinner and drinks at Duke Ellington's.

    1. Extemporanus

      I saw a werewolf drinking a piña colada at Trader Vics.

      [DAMMIT! You beat my comment by one minute because I got some super-weird message saying "ERROR! Is this comment yours?", so I moved the thing here.

      Also, my spell check thinks "colada" should be spelled "cloaca". Get shitfaced, you guys!]

      1. WriteyWriterton

        The second I read the post, I heard "da-daaa,da-daaa, dadada-daaaa" in my head.

        Great minds, same gutter.

  13. freakishlywrong

    I saw a couple of ridiculously inane skanks who saw Juan McCain and some other asshole wailing down whole steaks and a whole fish and some lame ass fucking crumble for desert. The rapture makes one hungry.

  14. SarahsBush

    I saw Obama fapping to pictures of dead Bin Laden and muttering to himself, "No one gets to see these but me, baby…NO ONE!"

    1. PuckStopsHere

      I'm still here. Good year, '68. The Tigers won the World Series and the fires all went out.

  15. Extemporanus

    I felt a great disturbance in the Wonkette, as if millions of p-nesses suddenly cried out in terror and were suddenly zero.

    1. proudgrampa

      I, for one, wish to express my gratitude to all my supporters for raising my p to 90. It had only been 89 for 6 months…

      Thank You!



      1. Jukesgrrl

        You're welcome. I upfist you all the time, Gramps. I know you still need a lovelife.

  16. weejee

    Given it's retro day, wasn't Strom Thurmond Wonkette's resident ginger back in the day when the blog posting were posted on the bathroom walls of your neighborhood Greyhound station?

    1. worrytron

      That's right, and in those days, nickels had pictures of bumblebees on 'em. Gimme five bees for a quarter, you'd say. Now where was I… oh yeah. The important thing was that I had an onion tied to my belt, which was the style at the time. You couldn't get white onions, because of the war. The only thing you could get was those big yellow ones…

  17. Allmighty_Manos

    Me and Bill Clinton shared a spliff under a bridge in Rock Creek Park last night. That does that count as a spot?

  18. SorosBot

    I saw Kitty Harris watching the news with those new Abu Gharib photos with her hand down her pants, making weird noises.

  19. FlownOver

    I saw mommy kissing Santa Claus underneath the mistletoe last night…

    Wait… it wasn't Mommy, it was Marsha Blackburn.
    And it wasn't Santa, it was Karl Marx.
    And if she was trying to kiss him her aim was off by two or three feet.

  20. Mahousu

    I was standing outside Signatures when Theodore Olson handed me a large box marked "Palm Beach presidential ballots" and asked me to hold onto them for a minute. He then sped off in a cab, and I haven't seen him since. What should I do with these things? The chads are getting all over everything.

  21. chicken_thief

    I saw the Govanator and John Ensign sitting at a table at the Ritz waiting for some hot shot international banker type or something. Neither looked particularly happy…

  22. FlownOver

    (OK, then, Downfisty – see if you like this one better)

    I saw the best minds of my generation destroyed by madness, starving hysterical naked,
    dragging themselves through the negro streets at dawn looking for a credible candidate.

  23. fartknocker

    I hope I get to have a meal and drink with Ann Richards and Molly Ivins after Saturday's rapture.

    1. PabaBritannica

      Goddamit this depresses me. Why'd you have to lose, Ann? You'd be president right now.

  24. carlgt1

    I suppose these neocon heads are exploding as Obama just gave a speech in which he encouraged Israel to go back to it's 1967 borders!

  25. Steverino247

    I saw Frank Zappa in Heidelberg in 1977 and it cost me the princely sum of 20 bucks.

    I saw Jesse Jackson with his hand in his open fly adjusting his shirt tails after he stepped out of the port-a-potty at the NOW March for Women's Lives in 1992.

    I saw Z-beams and attack ships off the shoulder of Orion.

    Yep. I get around, baby.

  26. GuyClinch

    Gary Bauer parked my car for me at Ruth's Chris Steakhouse. Short little fella, but boy can he run! Tipped him a dollar in dimes which I "accidentally" dropped on the sidewalk. Cute how he scampered around picking them up.

  27. proudgrampa

    Later that evening, Agnew told me he was quite hopeless about the hysterical hypochondriacs of history.

  28. Dudleydidwrong

    I saw Molly Ivins and Barbara Jordan at the Gold's in Arlington, working out and getting in shape for a much-needed come back.

  29. PuckStopsHere

    That's what I miss: "After the jump." I miss the jump. Where did it go? Who can explain it? And the cute Wonkette girl in her glasses. I miss her, too.

  30. PuckStopsHere

    Montreal Expos. Now that's funny. Did you know they are now the Washington Nationals? True story. But first they were exiled by Canada City to Puerto Rico. And now they are ours. Such a cute little baseball team. And they play in The Majors! One must constantly remind ones self, they play in The Majors.

  31. BarackMyWorld

    I saw Jack Stuef was given free-reign over the Wonkette today. 100 horrible memes were born.

  32. KeepFnThatChicken

    All I can come up with is "Henry Kissinger would cold hate-fuck Chuck Norris, just because it's the only way he can be understood."

    1. Lascauxcaveman

      No, but it looks like the Vancouver Canucks just might this year. A Canadian team in the Stanley Cup Final? That's just wrong.

        1. Lascauxcaveman

          In truth, I don't watch that much NHL, but when I do, I'm rooting for the Canucks, eh? I get the teevee stations in Vancouver, from my hillside cave facing Canada, and catch the sports news sometimes.

          When the Canucks, after having won more games this year than anybody in hockey, let that first round series with The Blackhawks go to seven games, all of Vancouver BC was seriously freaking out. I mean shitting bricks, tearing hair, hyperventilating, committing suicide, etc.

          It was so adorable.

          1. Jukesgrrl

            I lived in Washington state briefly and the best thing about it was Vancouver TV. I will never get over my love affair with Coroner Dominic Da Vinci.

            Go Canucks! Eat those Sharks for dinner!

  33. Graham Cracker

    I thought I saw George W. Bush at the Farmer's Market…

    but it was just another vegetable.

  34. BZ1

    I saw prezindential legal beagle, John WOO, WOO boning up on how to make up stuff… (hee, hee, I said boning…)

  35. AJW@[redacted]

    C'mon, Jack–you don't expect any of us to believe any of this crap without pix, do ya?

  36. PabaBritannica

    I saw the Southern Democrats at Dulles boarding a plane to Bermuda with the Main Street Republicans. They were flying Independence Air.

  37. DangerHelvetica

    I saw a werewolf drinking a pina colada at Trader Vic's. Or it was Wolf Blitzer.

  38. Jukesgrrl

    I ate next to G. Gordon Liddy at the Mayflower Hotel once. The man I was with said, "If you say one word, I'm out of here and I'm leaving you with the check." So I remained silent, but I put cigarettes out on my arm the rest of the night in his honor.

  39. MadBrahms

    I don't think my p-ness will ever top 100 again. I make too many Serious Posts(tm), which get less upfists, and I also appear to be a target for the Army of Downfist. Hey, at least I rate a threat!

    And owls, baby, you know I love you. I try to upfist the posters I follow every evening. Usually after a nice glass of champagne.

    1. lulzmonger

      Don't sweat it – I doubt I'll see a three digit p-score anytime soon either: always leave comments waaaaay after threads go stale, & I lack the panache of Teh Kewl Kidz snarking their way to 200.

      I'd be bummed out, if I actually cared.

    2. user-of-owls

      You are, sir, a grand and eloquent contributor to our gaggle of reprobates. Wishing you Tiny Bubbles joy, sincerely, UOO.

  40. Negropolis

    I saw Robert Novack jumping up and down in Port au Prince right before the great Haitian quake.

    I saw Scott Walker sucking off a Koch in the Meatpacking District.

    I saw Sarah Goode dancing with the devil in the pale moonlight.

  41. easynewz

    I was passing by the White House kitchen and saw the kitchen staffer who gave Dubya the near-fatal pretzel giggling his fucking ass off.

  42. C_R_Eature

    I saw Dick Cheney driving his black Panzerkaumpfwagen through St. Michaels, MD. My radio faded, let out a few bursts of static and the "Imperial Theme" from Star Wars came on. It was over in less than a minute.

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