The world is ending this weekend … or is it? Because of some billboards put up by crazy fundamentalist doomsayers, an “Internet Meme” has spread around the Internet about an alleged apocalyptic event here on Earth this Saturday, May 21. We’ve prepared an easy “clip ‘n save” listicle so that you know what to do when your iPhone quits working and people are suddenly acting weirder than usual. Who put the “rape” in “rapture,” anyway? Let’s find out!
- While there’s no mention of any “rapture” in the entire Bible, that hasn’t stopped American Christians from completely making up one of the tenets of their homespun religion.
- So where did they get this from? Just a random line in Thessalonians 1 about dead people plucked from their graves, which is basically an echo of that nonsense in Matthew 27:53 (and nowhere else in the Gospels) about corpses bursting out of their graves and then haunting Jerusalem for a few hours while Jesus was busting out of His tomb.
- The English language noun rapture comes from the Latin verb rapiō and the Koine Greek ἁρπάζω, which means “snatch.” But not that kind of snatch. Our version actually comes from the Latiin rapere — which means “rape.” So the rapture literally means “a bizarre fantasy about being raped by Jesus, in the upper atmosphere.”
- Many pranksters plan to leave sets of shoes and clothes here and there on Saturday afternoon, so that fundamentalist Christians might see these abandoned garments and think the real Christians got sucked up to meet the Lord already. This is a very mean prank. Plus, would American Jesus actually allow naked people into His Kingdom? American Jesus is pretty uptight!
- Remember the whole Y2K thing? We had this scheme, back in 1999, involving the hijacking of a couple of Staten Island Ferry boats and then putting a thousand-foot-tall inflatable Jesus aboard (one giant foot on each boat) and then we were somehow going to make this thing circle New York City with Wagner blasting from the speakers in Christ’s nostrils, all during the Times Square new year’s celebration, and then people watching the teevee throughout the country would freak out and jump from their first-floor windows, possibly spraining their ankles. Only the drunks out having fun and not watching television would be spared! And then 9/11 happened about a year and a half later and we figured New York had suffered enough, plus Y2K was long in the past by that time.
- There are thousands of newspaper articles and “lame stream media” reports on this pretend non-event.
- Meanwhile, unemployment is pushing 10% officially and 25% in the real world, the residential real estate market continues to collapse, Greece is going to default and destroy the Euro currency, the CIA is investigating some kind of pretend Web money, and the nuclear plant in Japan actually suffered a complete, ongoing “China Syndrome” meltdown.
- The real rapture is this: America is no longer a Christian nation. They are truly vanishing — not by being snatched up by The Lord, but through the more common exits of death and disillusionment.
And now we do the Hip Hop Dance:
{ 293 comments }
I'd like to request a kosher meal please.
And you think Jews will be invited to the Rapture because……..?????
Jews are the only real christians. Jesus only talked to the Jews. It was Paul the former rug marketing guy who rebranded the religion and sold it to the Romans. This Christianity ™ thus has nothing to do with what Jesus taught. Is a marketing scheme for capitalism.
Straight to Mount Doom for you!
It's looting time! I don't know what I'm going to do with 1000s of guns, crotchless wetsuits, anal beads and billions of jars of mayonnaise.
Don't forget the flat screen teevees! According to wingtards all us working poor folk aren't really poor cuz we all have the flat screen teevees. We sit in front of them and eat bonbons and drink cheap wine instead of applying for all the well paying jawbs out there.
I laughed so hard I just spit pate on my screen, dahling!
Guns and jars of mayonnaise sound like a typical saturday afternoon in Arizona. You'd have to save the anal beads and wet suits for sunday.
Are you sure about that? Because I've been reading Wonkette long enough to think that those four things probably could all be combined for use at the same time. Not that i would personally know.
Looting schmooting. I'm white, so I'll simply be "finding" these items.
Jesus upfists you for that.
If you're white, won't you be one of the Raptured?
White though I am, I certainly won't. Being a foreign heathen has some advantages.
I'm planning a "Left Behind" party with a Raptured Up Scavenger hunt, prize going to the best car, jewelry and house. heh.
How do I get an invite?
I think a good assfucking would rapture something in the butt. Wait, wrong post?
I'd hate to think of what's "left behind."
Santorum?
Twenty pounds of zombie make-up, stat!
My hand to Gawd, a local TV "news" show just announced a segment on "What to do during the Zombie Apocalypse". Hell is full, and the Stoopid walk the Earth.
I am confident that I will see all of you on Monday.
Yeah–in HEAVEN!
No, Iowa!
Looking forward to it. Being stuck post-rapture with the kinds of people warning of Saturday's apocalypse is not exactly my idea of heaven.
Wonkers of the World – what's the best kind of al-kee-hol and snacks to celebrate the apocalypse? I'm thinking tequila and pork rinds- no need to worry about a hangover or heart attack.
well i would prefer doritos (original flavor) and a nice cabernet, but then i am odd that way.
Bacon and gin for me.
Bacon. Everything, always with the bacon. Nature's finest food.
and lots and lots of Tabasco(tm)!
La Fin du Monde, natch.
None of either for me, I'm afraid. Lost 45 pounds so far and I'm not going to fuck that up no matter how many Jesus Points I need to win.
Paint thinner–never mix, never worry–and burritos, cuz who's gonna notice?
Charge the most expensive 24 year old scotch at your local guns 'n liquor, and get brand name snax (not store brand!). You'll be long gone by the time your credit card bill arrives.
Right on – some Macallan 18 and Jack Links peppered jerky would probably do the trick. Covers two of the major food groups.
I"m hoping the owners of our local candy store get Raptured, will face the coming battle with the Beast eating milk chocolate almond bark. Fighting the Beast burn lots of calories.
Manischevitz and bacon?
Absinthe! And Caviar.
Just discovered miniature dark-chocolate-covered grahams. So those, with endless single malts and corned beef sandwiches. And well-done fries. And an angioplasty.
It's Zombies and Devil Dogs for us.
5 or 6 hand-pulled pints of English Ale, two full handfuls of bar peanuts and a new battery for the Electronic Thumb.
The Mormons will be having their skim milk and unsweetened graham crackers.
Titties & Beer. Obviously.
Taken from the Microsoft website: IF YOU DIDN'T EXPERIENCE THE RAPTURE, DOWNLOAD SOFTWARE PATCH RAPT777.EXE.
It's a TRAP!
There's a rapt for that.
I only have RAPT666.EXE and it has been hell!
So this Saturday, rob a grave for Jesus.
It's funny; zombies coming out of their graves is a pretty big and unusual event, you'd think the other Jewish Jerusalem-ites and the Romans would have written about that.
Where are Burke and Hare when you need them?
IIRC, not much, if any, of their plunder had to be disinterred. Never made it that far.
Again on Saturday?
If I could stomach it, I'd spend all day Sunday going from church to church, just to pop my head in the door and say, 'Ya'll still here, too, eh?'
Win, for the Flash Mob!
I'd add "my Jewish and Muslim neighbors are gone, but you guys are still here? Huh."
Alternate with "…my Buddhist and Hindu neighbors…"
We should all be damn glad we kept the plastic and duct tape on our windows just in case.
That's funny – I was going to pop in fast and yell "BUT YOU PROMISED YOU'D LEAVE!"
It's a good thing that I'll probably be too drunk.
"Our version actually comes from the Latiin rapere — which means 'rape'."
So… that IMF guy is Jesus?
Show me where on the Shroud of Turin the Holy Spirit touched you.
(Looks like I'm not going anywhere Saturday with THAT attitude…)
So, that maid experienced the Second Coming?
"So… that IMF guy is Jesus?"
Infinite Matzohs and Fishes?
Jesus flies Air France? I think not.
If there IS a rapture and these people are swept away, I don't see the problem.
If there is one… most of them ain't goin'.
Yeah, why is the period after the Rapture suppose to be so bad when the earth has been scoured of all the self righteous, ignorant pricks?
zactly!
That's the trick, you see: they'll still be here. And they'll be serioulsy pissed off.
I read somewhere that only 144,000 people would be raptured — which was a lot of people back in the day, but is now only slightly higher than the normal number of people who slip this mortal coil every day. So were a rapture to even happen, the odds that anyone would notice would be pretty slim. Certainly everyone I know would still be here.
The dead are raptured first, so that 144,000 people cloud ride is already over-booked.
Well, but then the real fun begins with battles with the legions from hell, s*hit raining down from the skies, dogs and cats lying down together, etc.
So of like Cleveland, then?
Thanks for not saying Detroit. We're pretty sensitive about those kinda jokes around here.
Yes, but more like Detroit.
Anymore, I think I would rather deal with reanimated corpses than Xtians. You can get away from the zombies.
I dunno … do the zombies ring your doorbell and try to convince you to get with the rapturuous zombification program?
"If there IS a rapture and these people are swept away"
We should be so lucky.
I know, they keep promising, but it's just a big fat tease.
And if they are swept away, it will be ironic proof that God really loves us.
It's going to be REALLY ugly in heaven, what with all the newly-arrived folks with exploded skulls, after seeing Jeebus riding down from Heaven on his flaming chariot and noticing that he's brown .. BROWN … BROWWWWWWWN!!!
…and a Kenyan Muslin socialista.
Not to mention all the recently arrived SUV's, assuming cars can be replicated in Heaven.
Debbie Harry, rapping before rapping was cool.
Kurtis Blow and Grandmaster Flash would take exception to that statement.
Yeah, but aren't they, you know, urban?
The Lost Poets might, too…
First #1 rap record in history! Weird but true.
Subterranean Homesick Blues–first rap video.
I don't know, Meredith Wilson might take exception to that. Didn't this get made first? It's undeniably rap, starting at about :50.
Or this? http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TkcuNX4vrS8&sa...
But, But… Blondie were into the New York hip hop street scene where it was happening before it went nationwide viral… back in the day. Those early hip hop artists did not have record deals, yet.
Kurtis Blow came out on Mercury Records before Bondie's Autoamerican. (I think.) I heard it first when a Bolivian Rotary exchange student, of all people, played it for me when he was staying with my family that summer.
True story, you guys:
I first heard rap at a friend's birthday party, somewhere around 1980. Some of her friends had the turntables set up and were scratching records and rapping. I'd never heard this before (suburban white kid) and thought they were making it up as they went along, and I was all like, "Wow, these guys are like poetry *geniuses* or something!"
I know. If only it was a GOOD rap record then it wouldn't be so weird.
Do patter songs count? Gilbert and Sullivan FTW.
Debbie Harry. Yes, I'd hit that. Oh. My. Yes.
Back of the line, dude. The million of us were here first.
Isn't Saturday Jeebus' sabbath? It'll be a shonda if he works on it.
It's okay, he made a deal with us all. It's called the Shonda Accord.
Cranberry juice meet monitor…
Win.
Oh, he'll probably use his "The Sabbath was made for man, not man for the Sabbath. Plus, it's the freakin' Rapture, dude!" excuse.
a half dozen sex dolls, a tank of helium, some beer, and a lawn chair is all you'l need for an entertaining saturday afternoon across the street from your nearest southern baptist church.
As the lord and savior Hunter S. Thompson said, "Who the fuck do you think wrote the Book of Revelation? A bunch of stone-sober clerics?"
NEEDS MOAR BOOBYZ LIKE THE OTHER POSTS!!!!!
(_o_) (_o_)
Thank you.
Nice "parenthatits"
Sublime.
The darkness drops again but now I know
That twenty centuries of stony sleep
Were vexed to nightmare by a rocking cradle,
And what rough Kenyan, his hour come round at last,
Grooves towards Bethlehem to be crowned?
Darkness falls across the land–
The Jesus Snatch is close at hand.
The unchurched crawl in search of blood
to terrorize yawls neighborhood.
And whosoever shall be stuck
because they were not raptured up
must stand and face death panel killers
or rot inside a FEMA trailer!
The foulest stench is in the air:
the funk of forty thousand pairs
of shorts soiled with a single ZOOM–
"We're left behind! Now we are doomed!!"
And though you fight to stay alive
You're deader than Osama.
Only good Christians can resist
the evil of…OBAMA!!!!666!!!
Ha..I see what you did there.
I believe in Jeebus but not the Rapture. Should I refill my unlimited MetroCard?
I'm same as you about Jeebus and the Rapture (and watching people's heads explode when my pastor explains it isn't in the Bible) but still, I want to hedge my bets. Should I start power-packing all these green bananas my husband bought, or risk letting them ripen?
Leviticus can probably help me with that. It has almost as much weird shit as Revelation.
True dat.
Sure.
I'm in the same boat, although I will remind my atheist best friend where I keep the spare key so she can care for the kitty cats and take what she wants.
The other bet-hedging is showing up at our monthly soup kitchen even though it is supposed to be my month off. We're serving chicken dinner (free chicken at the food bank) so I expect I would get a good recent report from some of the guests. Although if Jesus doesn't observe Daylight Savings, it'll happen at about the time we start serving.
Damn! and I've got tickets to a show on Saturday night! (Le sigh.)
Noone involved with the theater will be raptured, please.
Everyone involved with the thee-ayter, will, however, break a leg.
Strato-buttsechs with a 200 foot Jeeebus? Might have to re-up with the Pope.
Naaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa.
Oh, Ken…you sure know how to brighten up even our darkest days…can we go back to the Retro/Boob Day celebrations now?
Make the rapture some other day, the Yankees are playing the Mets Saturday.
The Cubs are playing the Red Sox. That has to be a sign of the Apocalypse.
True story: last time the Flubs and Red Sox played in Chicago – 2005 – I asked a Sox fan to rub some mojo on my White Sox hat. And my Sox won it all that year. So, as much as I hate Red Sox Nation – a lot – I don't hate them at all.
The Sox just swept the Yankees at Fenway. Strange times, indeed.
In case of rupture, driver will be wearing a truss.
These are the same people that assumed Barry was the Anti-Christ based on the description in the Left Behind books.
i guess they never saw Omen.
Or "Two and a Half Omen."
How awesome would it be if on Saturday Barry suddenly called together a press conference, shed his skin and appeared in his true guise, as a very well-spoken nine-foot-tall reptile?
Not half as awesome as if Barry and his family were Raptured, while the rest of them were left standing slack-jawed at the fact that they are still here.
What, the description of the Anti-Christ as a Romanian? I mean, my geography is shaky, but I'm pretty sure that Romania and Kenya and the US and Indonesia are all, y'know, different countries.
Ack! That means the world has at least five different countries (counting Israel)! HOW MANY OF THESE DARN FOREIGNERS ARE OUT THERE?
also: thanks for the blondie ken.
“a bizarre fantasy about being raped by Jesus, in the upper atmosphere.”
When I was raped by Jesus, he did not have what it takes to penetrate my ozone.
Man I can't wait till all those who feed the hungry, treat each other as brothers and sisters, and are kind to even the humblest amongst us are swept up to heaven. I will miss my more compassionate friends, but staying behind will be worth it just to see the looks on those psalm-singing hypocrites' faces.
Needz moar upfisting.
Indeed.
No, no, we meek shall inherit the earth.
Those getting raptured get to meet St. Peter at the Pearly Gates first…he consults his Book…then they all go straight to Hell.
It's a product quality sorta thing.
Okay, after rapture, we are going to cruise in the new car for awhile, then head over to my new house and trash the place with a mighty party. I won't really care, because I figure I can move into a different one the next day.
I've got my eye on a mansion up the hill from me. Can't wait!
The InterwebFundies are calling bullshit on the RadioFundies' Biblical cipherin' in a theological dispute worthy of Aquinas: http://www.nowtheendbegins.com/blog/?p=4899
http://www.religioustolerance.org/end_wrl2.htm
I'm sure these NEW guys will get it right about the end of the world.
Well, I haven't noticed an uptick in these so-called Xtians quitting their jobs and selling off their possessions in order to get ready for Saturday. Maybe they aren't convinced either?
Guy I work with is all excited about "The Event," but he's still going home tonight to mow the yard. Guess Jeebus is scared of the Homeowner's Association, too.
Does this mean that Sarah Palin won't be Tweeting on Friday because she's going to be reading her bible and cramming for her finals?
Haha. Lou Sarah reads. Hahahahaha
I can see it now, Manchu.
"Piper, mommy can't figure out how to make this hinge work. Could you read the instructions to her?"
cramming for her finals
Is that Todd's code name for "doing anal"?
Well EQ, it was Bristol who coined the phrase "a bird in the tush is worth two in the bush"
That woman has never read anything from the Bible that wasn't silkscreened on a t-shirt.
You're forgetting the refrigerator magnets.
It's an open Book test.
"In what respect, St. Peter?"
I was hoping to score a sweet, sweet Audi in all the post-rapture looting but I'm pretty sure all there is going to be are Geo Metros with mismatched wheels, filled with Big Mac wrappers.
Oh. Thought you said Saudi…
You can't forget the pick-up trucks.
Kegasus is Coming! Mullets and crappy warm yellow beer for all! Which is my definition of Hell! And more exclaming pointerz!!!!
Zactly. If it happens, it will be like a global enema and get a lot of hard-scrabble turds cleaned-out.
Turds With (not) Friends
A Greek default is about as likely as an American default. Eventually, the Frankfurter Wertpapierbörse will tell Merkel they have to do a bail-out, just as Wall Street will get to Boehner.
"dead people plucked from their graves,. . .corpses bursting out of their graves and then haunting Jerusalem for a few hours while Jesus was busting out of His tomb."
The lost Testament of George Romero
From the Brains I Must Have Brains parable.
Loaves and brains.
The nerve to down fist Baconz on "Retro day".
I believe this Saturday will be the day of the Crapture, in which the true believers discovers that salvation is merely mildly pleasant, like a good dump.
And the rest of us get to take a good dump on the true believers.
Can I ask, are there stairs involved? I can't do stairs as I started smoking again today. Oh, wait, smoking is desecration of my "temple". Darn it.
You are obviously too morally weak for this event.
I have my eyes on a tricked out Chevy Vega and I wanted to be sure I'd remain to snatch it.
Sweet. Likewise, I'll be hanging onto my Shelby.
There are going to be a shit-ton of abandoned Hoverounds come Sunday. I may open a dealership!
Well, one thing's for sure, the asshole downfister's not going anywhere.
Notice: In case of Rapture Wonkette will still be open but even funnier!
What will we use for material, though?
I'm thinking maybe peanuts and some of that 5-hour energy stuff, so you don't go to sleep in the middle of the rapture – wouldn't that be a bitch, to miss the whole thing?
Listen… I'm being told that all the Christians are gettin' disappeared Saturday. LET ME ENJOY MY WEEKEND ASSHOLES. I'm used to crushing disappointment on Mondays.
The first rapture picture has freaked me out. The first seal broken unleashes blond, nude mimes, not that that is a bad thing.
So Fab 5 Freddy is the archangel? Am I interpreting that correctly?
No, I think it's Fat Freddie.
Can I pick my seatmate? I choose Michael Vick. He will have both bottled water and weed with him.
On Y2K…we toasted the New Year and then the power went out. I wish we could have seen each other's faces. I grabbed my buddies girlfriends boobs.
I will be on an aero-plane the day of the rapture. I'm looking forward to going on the PA and announcing "Ladies and Gentlemen, does anyone here know how to fly a 757?" Some will get it, some won't.
Or just ask if there are any muzlens.
Too too?
So, Obama got his start in a Blondie video. Cool.
Of course, for the Orthodox church, rapture will take place on June 6th.
Hahahahahah
WIN
Here are the only people that will actually go to heaven tomorrow:
Stephen Hawking
Christopher Hitchens
Richard Dawkins
Kurt Cobain
If there is any justice, a few of those on the fence will be bounced between terra firma and God's glass ceiling over and over and over……
YIPPEE!
I'll finally be able to step out my door here in sunny, sodom-y San Francisco to enjoy a nice, relaxing picnic in the park without having to worry about being gunt-bumped by some dumb-ass sidewalk stumbler looking for their ChristianMingle.com tour guide who once again double parked their loudly idling, window rattling, 42' double decker monster bus right in front of my fucking driveway and then ran down the street to Popeye's to grab a greasy 20-piece bucket of bird parts to inhale before tossing the bones on my front steps and finally rolling the fuck away.
MAY GOD RAPTURE YOU UNTIL YOUR FAT ASSHOLES WEEP YOU RETARDS!
Me?
You and me both, Wookies. Those were definitely good times!
Remember the big fear that everything was going to revert to 1900??? All the bank accounts were going to calculate negative interest or something…
I remember specifically getting a receipt from the ATM the day before so I wouldn't lose that $1.79 in my checking account.
Power grids would fail, ATMs wouldn't work, traffic lights would go haywire — it was quite a prediction of disaster. There's also supposed to be some other computer calculation glitch coming up soon, but now I can't find anything about it. The only lasting legacy is that I still write the year with all four numbers — not that anyone else (including Micro$oft) does that.
Somehow or the other I had a guide to post-Y2K life by the Utne Reader. It struck a weird balance between earnestness and paranoia that made for a hilarious post-Y2K read.
I'd love to point fingers and tease some dumb ass fundie on Saturday. Thing is, I avoid them like the plague.
But on Sunday, it would be great fun to stand out in front of a church and do a Nelson Muntz impersonation.
Donald Trump's up-sweep?
Yeah, can we just get on with the Tribulation, already? It can't be much worse than following the Republican nomination process, can it? I mean, am I wrong?
Whenever I think of the rapture, I remember this classic Six Feet Under opening:
http://www.metacafe.com/watch/221594/six_feet_und...
I hope Saturday is a lot like this.
There is no way that that group of self-righeous smug bastards would ever make it into any heaven, much less the pretend one they all believe in. No, they're stuck here to keep torturing us with their mendacity and mediocracy, forever and ever.
Hence the whole "Hell on Earth" theme some talk about…
I had thought of going to the homes of all the righteous people I know, and stealing their shit, after they were swept up. Then I realized that there are no righteous people.
Or if they are righteous, in the Jesus sense, they don't have any good stuff. They sold it all and gave the money to the poor. He made it pretty clear that rich people aren't going to be going to Jesus's heaven.
I don't know if they were hypnotized by the melodic New Wave music, but that was the worst dancing I've ever seen in a video. Especially by "the blacks".
…because there's nothing like hearing what a white woman has to say, freestyle.
also, Matthew 24:34. Shit already happened, not long after Jesus left. TOO LATE, HAHAHA
And whose behind is he expected to leave, huh?
Ah the Rapture. The day Jesus comes down to earth, looks at all his followers, and says, "Er… nevermind."
Your pee. What happened? Did you get carpet bombed then napalmed by trolls? Then step on a land mine set by WND?
That video is also ALL ONE SHOT. Blondie made great videos.
The Miami Heat?
Yah. Too bad about that.
I used to run into Debbie Harry once in a while back in the ninties at an underground drag/gay/freak club venue called Mother, which was, incidentally , freakin' genius. I only talked to her once though.
True story.
Is she a REAL blonde? wink wink
My plan is to be out and about and scoop up the wallets of those called back to the mothership. I mean getting rid of a bunch of those people would really be God's work, for which I will thank her.
I nominate the following candidates for Rapture: All of the Palins, Newt, any Pedophile Priest, Oral Roberts, Mormons, all members of the Westboro Baptist Church.
I would add Victoria Osteen, but she's such an evil cunt, even after the End Of The World, she'll be left on this planet as Queen of the Cockroaches.
There's a church in my neighborhood that puts up a signboard with charming statements such as: IF YOU THOUGHT 9/11 WAS TERRIBLE WAIT TILL YOU SEE HELL
I'm thinking it might be worth leaving the following on their sidewalk: snakeskin boots, leather pants, studded belt, Marilyn Manson T-shirt, Ray-Bans, and an empty pack of Camels…unfiltered.
If I can smoke unfiltered Camels again after the Rapture – bliss. Now, with more death!
When I get to Heck, there will be a table at a sidewalk cafe with my friends and one vacant chair waiting for me. On that table will be a never-ending pack of Camels, along with a pot of espresso (winter) or Tanqueray martinis (summer).
What if you're in a submarine?
What about the people on the Space Shuttle?
What if one gets eaten by a shark while floating upwards from the submarine – does the shark get raptured too?
*consults rule book*
Would this shark be gay or muslin in any way?
Thomas Jefferson on the Book of Revelation: "ravings of a maniac, no more worthy of explanation than the incoherences of our own nightly dreams." Also applies to Atlas Shrugged.
My name is Mista Eko, and I am here to ask you a question:
Is not a man entitled to swindle the gullible with made up religious stories?
No says the man in the 1800s, we will ride you out of town on a rail for that.
No says the man in the Vatican, that is our job.
No says the man who lives outside the USA, nobody would believe you.
I rejected those answers. Instead, I chose something different. I chose to do it anyway. I chose … RAPTURE!
Al Gore and recycling?
Satan?
Shariah Law?
Laughter?
Unfettered capitalism?
Wow! You have achieved a state of total p-lessness. Well done.
They are gonna Tribulation Force his ass.
Strangely enough, with all of them gone, I don't think I'll be needing drugs so much anymore.
I'm promoting the idea that the true believers must demonstrate their worthiness via the Heaven's Gate protocols.
When Saturday rolls around and they're still here, proving to each of their minds that they're unworthy of the rapture, I'm guessing some will go that route.
Facts?
There's something both demeaning and apropos in having a black dude river dance to this "rap".
as mentioned previously, make sure you buy ripe bananas today or tomorrow. Enjoy!
The pope?
Psalm 46 as penned by Will Shakespeare?
-Mark 13:32, and also, for good measure, Matthew 24:36, because the Gospel like half copypasta.
So, in other words, these dudes are saying they're better than Jebus?
So maybe the reason we're not a Christian nation is that most of the people who like to pretend to be Christians have no fucking idea what being one actually means? And perhaps, even, the disillusionment the some of the rest of us experience is because of that very issue?
They say that the last good Christian died on the cross ~2,000 years ago
Apparently dogs don't get raptured, either. Some guy's made a mint on that 'fact' – http://www.montrealgazette.com/news/world/Atheist...
What kind of cruel and vengeful deity doesn't let you bring your dog??
Thought I'd throw this out there again. And this.
Wow. That's a pretty extensive satirical website. Somebody has had way too much time on his/her/their hands. Oh well, after Saturday they're gonna have plenty more.
God damn, I love Blondie
There is only one thing I need to know about this whole deal: what do I say to a dumb, but cute if somewhat pudgy church lady to get her to experience a pre-rupture rapture? There must be some quote from Revelation or something? Help me out here!!!
"Let's go practice so that we can show that Whore of Babylon that we're on to her little game."
Jerusalem is a big city, like New York, which is why nobody made a big deal of the sudden influx of zombies. Probably assumed they were tourists from America (God's country).
Hey, that's not a Tom. That's a peeping Tom! And is that an authentic '80s music video? Because it looks like a bleeping episode of "Dr. Who" to me.
Yeats, the Irish Keats. Also, I think that whole "the best lack all conviction while the worst are filled with passionate intensity" is a sign of the end times, also.
I knew that. I am suitably abashed for my error. Thank you.
The funny fucking thing is, I'll be attending a dirt stock car race at that time in the Pacific time zone. How will I know which cars are no longer being driven by a human, since they always be crashing into each other anyway?
It's sort of Y2K all over again, except this time it's GOD that's after us, not the computers. I hope Wonkette will be live-blogging this whole thing of nothing happening.
So, Wonkette will be live-blogging the Rapture, then?
Haha…rape whistles! I remember when every woman attending an Ivy League or comparable institution wore one as a talisman. I wonder what happened to them? Did they get recycled as referees' whistles for girls' soccer matches, lifeguard whistles (although those guys look like they might be a little rapey), or just stuck in a drawer somewhere? College ladies of the 80s you need to enlighten us all.
"or just stuck in drawers somewhere."
Fixed.
Mr. Mozaki Blocks and I plan rapturing the ever-living daylights out of each other.
Basically what we do every other weekend.
(Long distance relationships suck)
I don't know…great passion every other weekend seems better than many (almost all) alternatives.
Not to Shoeless Joe Jackson.
What happened? I am back where I was, now; intensedebate must have some algorithm that detects fuckwads fucking with the system and corrects for it.
Ummmm, smack, sweet sweet smack.
You'll find me lying out on the chaise on Saturday, enjoying the upskirts overhead.
(It does say "rapture" really means "snatch", right?)
Wouldn't be great if they were right about the day, but wrong about the religion and all of the peaceful Muslim folk were the ones who disappeared?
Yeah, I was in early on 1/1/00 testing to make sure things were still working and the CEO comes in and proclaims that the entire Y2K issue was a scam by us computer people to take money from businesses.
I think IT is still feeling the effects of the backlash today. A lot of my friends lost their jobs and never have gotten back into the field again.
Well, the Y2K work was some of the most tedious you would ever get in IT, and lots of people were obsolete on January 2nd — so it would've been a sucky experience for most of the contract workers. Fortunately I was an employee of my company and wasn't doing Y2K stuff exclusively, just helping out when they needed it — so I lasted another year when we were all replaced with a company our CEO bought.
It is exactly as the great French sociologist Emile Durkheim said: religious beliefs are a direct reflection of society itself. The whole rapture idea is exactly like a timeshare deal, except with imaginary celestial real estate.
He has already publically claimed that he miscalculated because he did have all the necessary data to calculate the end. But this time he guarantees he is correct. I have a sneaking suspicion that come Sunday morning, him and his "True Believers" may be found at some Jesus Camp having Raptured themselves with some purple drank.
The lineup of the 1908 Chicago Cubs?
TSA as in Transubstantiation Security Angels??
The bad news about the Rupture: Ted Bundy and Adolf Hitler will come back to life.
The good news about the Rupture: They will get vacuumed up with the other Christians.
Well, that ought to send the unemployment rate plunging. I'm not big on this business of spending eternity worshiping the Almighty.
Important Questions:
Can you apply for exemption status?
Will a tether prevent me from rising?
Will a careful balancing of sin and prayer make me neutrally buoyant?
Do you need a birth certificate?
Will others be able to see my pee-pee?
Will I be able to see other's pee-pee(s)?
Will Jerry Falwell be there?
If so may I punch him?
For those of us not raptured, is it okay to raid the alcohol cabinets of those who are? (for the post-rapture party)
Followup to prior question: Does God shoot looters?
Does God allow any music besides Gospel?
If not, can we bring Ipods?
Can we spit down on those left behind?
Will we see the naked raptured people rising?
Do we want to?
Do any Muslins get to go?
Does buttsecks negate your chances if it isn't gay?
Do the fires of hell really feel like a warm bath after twenty minutes?
So many questions…
I had Dark Side of the Moon on 8-track.
*points*
a la Nelson Muntz:
HAH ha!!
Why, that would be terrible for him.
Pegging?
I think we don't remember it because we didn't care–oh, sorry, no, that's not what I meant. Because he wasn't big on the Internet in 1993, and because he didn't have the money for those big honkin' billboards!
Oh, I think the billboards aren't mostly his money. I've heard that a lot of them were bought by individuals … many of whom don't have the money to spare.
Shrooms.
I do wonder what there'll be a rush on the night before.
You can watch Blondie during the end of the world, but I'd rather stick with the Dave Matthews Band doing Bartender on Friday night http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-UzqOrSiVOU
and When The World Ends during the Shabbat: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=doT5uZLInWc
It'd be worth it to see the Man from Mars eat a Subaru.
Hazzah, no more hobo beans!!
And $arah PALIN.
Wal-Mart will stayeth open.
SHAM-WOW?
I think your best bet here would be to get Raptured, in order to avoid those swine you mentioned. Rattle some beads or something, put lotsa money in the plate, maybe flop around on the floor like a mackerel, make up some gibberish to speak in tongues- you should be fine.
Just remember- thank Jesus Christ almighty for every fucking thing that He does for you throughout the whole apparently endless interminably long day, like playing your favorite oldie on the radio, and making the light turn green for you, and not letting you forget your pen after all, etc. He's got nothing else better to do and, frankly, neither should you, if- that's IF- you want to go to heaven.
Bong HiTs 4 jesus
I never quite understand why situational/Sunday Christians like to get married in churches, as if American Jesus was totally out of town the night before when you had your drug-induced orgy.
Too late.
I feel fine! Okay, a little gassy, but other than that fine.
I have it on good authority that it's not Jesus who'll be showing up on Saturday. It's the Vogons.
I plan to position myself with my wife so we can derive the most pleasure from the rolling earthquakes. Should be the best thing since waterbeds.
It's Monday morning, 23 May, here in Kunming and no sign of Rapture yet. I'll let you know later if any of my students are missing.
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