gossip roundup

Gossip Roundup: Osama-Free Tuna

Inside the Beltway: Lady with boobs is more or less taking part in boob competition. [WT]
Reliable Source: Rahm Emanuel is getting his house back from those dirt-faced squatters who tried to stop him from checking into the city on Foursquare. [WP]
Heard on the Hill: Rep. Bruce Braley is trying to give people alcohol poisoning for charity, but we are not a “subscriber” to read the rest. (What is this publication?) [Roll Call]
Rush & Molloy: This doesn’t exist anymore.
Yeas & Nays: This still exists? Okay! Apparently John McCain ate some tuna and “shared” a meal with a man. Senators: they’re just like gay us! [Washington Examiner]
Under the Dome: This does not exist.

About the author

Jack Stuef is your loyal editor and a freelance satirist or something like that. He is a contributing writer for The Onion. E-mail him or whatever.

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  • http://ifthethunderdontgetya.blogspot.com/ ifthethunderdontgetya

    You know who else had Retro Day?
    ~

    • http://thethingsrepublicanshate.com/ Chillwaver

      Republicans?

      • Terry

        They have retro lives….all the way back to the mid 1800's

        • http://thethingsrepublicanshate.com/ Chillwaver

          Every day is "Retro Day" when you are a Republican. I so wish they would shut up about Ronnie Raygun already…

          • poncho_pilot

            it's funny that even as a child in the '80s–granted there was some familial influence–i didn't like Reagan. or Bush. or Oliver North. or Clarence Thomas. i just kinda knew they were all asshats.

          • WriteyWriterton

            Props to you. (They said that in the 90s, I think.)

    • http://www.wonkette.com Pres[ $ rm -r * ]

      Confederate reenactors?

    • Boredw/Gravitas

      Everyone's high school — every damn year?

    • Negropolis

      My high school during Spirit Week, when all of the white kids would point and enthusiastically and well-intentionedly yelled "you should wear and afro!"?

  • sezme

    This comment does not yet exist.

  • http://www.wonkette.com ManchuCandidate

    GOPer lady is rather eye popping. Is she pro abstinence (Anal!)??

    • baconzgood

      Fap-tastic!

    • horsedreamer_1

      If she wants to have an office romance, she does.

      A butt's a butt. I mean, otherwise, why do you think Larry Craig & Chief Justice Roberts don't have any naturally-born children?

    • Guppy06

      The last time the commentariat found a Republican woman visually attractive, she ran for vice president.

      • SorosBot

        And it wasn't just any commentariat, but Ken Layne himself.

        • Guppy06

          And he's been drinking ever since! Coincidence?

    • flamingpdog

      "But does Mr. Ross support her quest?"
      But does Mr. Ross support her chest?
      /corrected

  • freakishlywrong

    You know who else phoned it in?

    • nounverb911

      George Bush?

    • baconzgood

      The Jerky Boys?

    • SexySmurf

      Who ever wrote the screenplay for Scream 4?

      • nounverb911

        Alan Greenspan?

      • Terry

        Who ever wrote the book Atlas Shrugged?

    • elviouslyqueer

      All of them, Katie.

    • undeterredbyreality

      Alexander Graham Bell?

      • WriteyWriterton

        Beat me by hours. HOURS!

    • TanzbodenKoenig

      me?

    • SorosBot

      Suzanne Somers?

    • chicken_thief

      Obama to Osama? No, wait, that message was delivered personally….

    • SayItWithWookies

      Someone whose name would be a mildly funny yet quirky reference?

      • WriteyWriterton

        Someone who makes self-referential comments?

    • http://www.wonkette.com Pres[ $ rm -r * ]

      Howard Stern since about 2008?

    • chicken_thief

      Newt dumping his second wife? She wasn't in the hospital or anything, was she?

    • poncho_pilot

      Bob Newhart?

    • Boredw/Gravitas

      All of US America's former customer service call centers now in India?

    • freakishlywrong

      Fellow Wonkateers. Foreplay dictates that if you're going to respond to a girl, you should at least pee on her first. Haaaruurumph!

    • widestanceroman

      Ginny Thomas?

    • horsedreamer_1

      E.T.?

    • flamingpdog

      Lily Tomlin?

    • WriteyWriterton

      A. G. Bell?

    • Negropolis

      Ma' Bell?

  • nounverb911

    Under The Dome? Was that about Mitt's hair?

    • loulouroo

      …or Callista's?

  • user-of-owls

    This post has now officially jumped the tuna.

  • baconzgood

    There seems to be a boob theme today…..Keep up the good work!

  • memzilla

    C'mon, Jack, you left out the rogue Secret Service Tweet.

  • nounverb911

    Today we are all boobys.

    • freakishlywrong

      And assfuckers.

    • Guppy06

      I prefer tufted titmouses.

  • http://www.vinoverve.com Maman

    After totally trying to fuck with Rahm and LOST, the renter has decided to beat a hasty retreat. Vaya con Dios, dude… make sure you park legally all the freaking time!

  • slithytoves

    I don't like this minimalist approach – it's too Republican: short on everything.

    • flamingpdog

      Michael Dukakis was short on everything.

  • OC_Surf_Serf

    You mean all ladies aren't competing in a boob contest everyday?

    • undeterredbyreality

      Today, we are all boob-contest-competing-ladies.

  • qwerty42

    AMC used to provide a translation of The Note for those who could not endure its insufferably smug tone.

    • V572..whatever

      Do we miss The Note? Boy not much. Remember when Halperin said the 2004 election was "John Kerry's to win"? That was pretty much the end of its credibility, which is why he shows up on the political talk shows all the time.

    • Mahousu

      The Note does not exist.

      (I don't know if that's actually true, but I'm not about to check.)

  • freakishlywrong

    Could that Yeas and Nays be any more of an utter, inane waste of bandwidth? Christ, who gives a fuck?

    • Ken Cuccinelli

      I want to punch those two vacuous bimbos every time I see that little photo thumbnail of them.

    • fartknocker

      A – fucking – men. I'm sure those two twats enjoys spending hours babbling about chiffons, jewelery and the Real Housewives of Whatdafuck.

  • Cat_Damon

    WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON ON WONKETTE TODAY I JUST WANT TO SEE STORIES ABOUT MUSLINS AND TRUCKNUTZ AND HOVEROUNDS

    T.

    • WhatTheHeck

      Wonkette is having a silicone day. You know, a filler for things of lesser substance.

    • http://www.wonkette.com Pres[ $ rm -r * ]

      Give Jack a break. He's preparing for the Rapture in just 48 hours.

    • chicken_thief

      Wherez Ma Grizz and the Donald when you need them? Also.

  • mavenmaven

    Apparently boobz are out and tight butts are in for Royalists: http://www.stylelist.com/2011/05/17/pippa-middlet

  • Blendergoathead

    Can someone travel back in time enough to choke the shithead who is allowing some ferriner's translation of Obama's speech to be heard in the background of the live feed? It's Poltergeist shit, and it's creeping me out. Foreignly.

    • fuflans

      listening on radio, i was wondering what the hell that was and if french aliens were involved.

  • Sophist[Kochblocker]

    Perianne Boring,

    Who is this, Tim Pawlenty's running mate?

    Pawlenty/Boring 2012?

    • user-of-owls

      You got it backwards. And you should replace / with a hyphen.

      • Sophist[Kochblocker]

        Ahem.

        Pawlenty/Boring 2012.

        • WriteyWriterton

          Smoked it.

  • SayItWithWookies

    What the hell's a tuna cone? And if it's something that Wendy O. Williams used to wear onstage, I retract my request for knowledge.

    (And yes, I know she's dead — just keeping it retro.)

    • mavenmaven

      Damn, I get this joke. We're old :(
      On the other hand, today's youth won't see Miley Cyrus smashing any TVs anytime soon.

  • SorosBot

    Oh man, I miss all those old dead news sites. Oh wait, no I don't, didn't even notice they were dead because I didn't care.

  • PabaBritannica

    This day…it's amazing…ly bad.

    Bring back Wag the Bog. Riley's not funny anymore at his new blog. Just get a fake Intern Riley. Farm it out to India or whatever.

    • worrytron

      Or just bring back more than 3 posts a day.

    • horsedreamer_1

      Raji Rajaman?

    • LetUsBray

      Or at least some people who are more about teh funny and less about teh depressing.

      • worrytron

        Ha i know! It reminds me of that old Bill Hicks routine about CNN. They keep talking about how the world is ending, famine and flood and whatnot, and i go outside and just hear the crickets. I dunno. Slow news year maybe.

    • DustBowlBlues

      Sorry about your day.

  • V572..whatever

    A sure sign that a cultural phenomenon has gone stale/jumped the shark, etc: retrospectives.

  • horsedreamer_1

    Also: if gays are eating tuna while sharing meals with men, they're doing the gay wrong.

  • James Michael Curley

    I … uhm … never mind.

  • chicken_thief

    or that muzlin pretender in chief in the White House!!!!!

    • poncho_pilot

      well, when Zuul asked what form it should take, i thought of a middle aged Kenyan Muslin. something harmless from my childhood. who knew?

  • DustBowlBlues

    Is anyone else watching the speech? No?

    Everyone with a brain, especially our president, who is not only brilliant but understands the way the world works in the 21st. Century ("Dreams From My Father" convinced me of that) knows that the only hope for stability in the middle east is the two state solution. They know the Palestinians have a reason to be pissed, since some people showed up with a several thousand year old, deed to their land that God didn't even bother notarizing, and that we are solo in the world in our blind, unconditional support of anything the most conservative Jewish rabbi farts out, and that the borders should be put back to where they were before the Israeli Boomers (homesteaders who kept moving into Indian territory until the feds just fucking gave it to them) moved in.

    Everyone with a brain knows that. And we are the people who refer to Israeli and Israelis as that, rather than Jewish State and Jews because we know the answer to this mess isn't a religious one.

    Yeah, we all know it, but no one's going to say that. Our two political parties compete with each other for who can be the most rah-rah-Jewish State booster because of political contributions and power. And we all know that if we say the truth, we are going to be called anti-semetic and compared to Hitler.

    Still, we all know it, don't we?

    • flamingpdog

      Are you posting on the correct blog, Dust? Soundz too reasoned, especially for the day before the day before the Fapture.

      • DustBowlBlues

        Part of my DustBowl survival plan is to use the wonket to say truthful shit I wouldn't dare mention anywhere else.

        • WriteyWriterton

          Helluva survival plan, that. I agree with a two-state solution, which should be Alabama and Mississippi – move out all the current occupant-morans, and move in the Palestinians. The states' average IQs would soar, and you could get decent falafel south of the Chicago Loop.

  • DaRooster

    "The event is 6-9 p.m…."

    It's a Happy Hour… duh… not a Happy 3 Hours… typical beauty contestant…

  • Billmatic

    Chicks that look like Monica Lewinsky need that last skill, chicks as fine as Boring tend to just move up in the world just on the barest possibility of seeing her naked.

  • SudsMcKenzie

    Whats going on?, I was doing my morning Googling of "boobies" and I wound up here.

  • DaRooster

    "…Woody Harrelson was spotted sitting at a table by himself…"

    Woo hoo… awesome "news" everywhere today…

  • fuflans

    john mccain: still exists.

  • widestanceroman

    Is this what's known as a posticle? If not, I get credit for naming it.

  • http://howtosavetheworld.ca/ BZ1

    Under the heading of "People, Politics and Power" comes "Senators dine out, Harrelson at Cafe Japone"; dining out is news?

  • crybabyboehner

    I can't wait for the double feature: "Bonin' Boring" with "Nailin' Palin" – something for the whole family!

  • Negropolis

    Every. Fuckin'. Night.

    I used to watch him, because it's what I grew up on, but the minute he screwed Conan, I stopped watching and haven't been back sense. Fuck 'im.

  • Negropolis

    Nobody puts Perianne in the corner…until someone in authority commands her to go to the corner, and she politely acquiesces like a good Stepford Republican.

  • Beck_is_Trig

    Maybe Ms. Boring got a job with Dennis Ross because him being a wingnut fundie (it's my euphamism for closeted, self-hating gay) she knows she can work in a sexual harassment-free workplace? She is a hottie to be sure, but just like Palin before grifting caused her entire body to slide into a puddle for obvious reasons, any chick who works for a simpering, wingnutty fundie douchebag willingly is probably a real tight-assed bitch…but what an ass…and boobs for that matter, amiright?