Wonkette Answers: Our Plans

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Haha, what the hell was this feature? Did people really care about who the person who wrote this blog was? We don’t have any questions like this in our inbox, so let’s just answer the first thing we see with a question mark. Ah! A spam from Newsmax:

Are Your Prostate Issues an Inevitable Part of Aging?

In that, as we age, we have done more and more assfucking? Then yes, Newsmax. (ASSFUCKING COMMENT! IT’S RETRO DAY!)

Actually prostate issues are related to watching The Price Is Right, not aging, specificially.

This is really the worst feature. Blogs were the worst!

About the author

Jack Stuef is your loyal editor and a freelance satirist or something like that. He is a contributing writer for The Onion. E-mail him or whatever.

View all articles by Jack Stuef


Hey there, Wonkeputians! Shypixel here to remind you to remember our Commenting Rules For Radicals, Enjoy!

  • Barb

    Is all this assfucking safe? I know it's "retro day' and all….
    Are we in danger of blowing an O-ring here? The world's going to end in less than 48 hours and I want to be safe when I kiss my ass goodbye.
    In honor of the world ending we should all start confessing shit that we thought we would take to our graves and into the whorey underworld of hell.

    • widestanceroman

      Some of us are working on company equipment, so true confessions could be problematic, but I'm feeling Spartacus-y:

      I am a homosexual.

    • LetUsBray

      Confessing, eh? Very well: I have the prez' really real secret Kenyan birth certificate, along with Saddam's missing WMDs. George Soros has been paying me to keep 'em up my bunghole. It's all part of an elaborate plot to bring islamofascist Marxo-soshulist commie-nazism to America in general and victimize Sarah Palin in particular. But his latest check is dated May 22 so I'm just gonna blab.

      But don't tell the Breitards; being proved right all along will make their heads swell with pride, which is a sin, which means they won't get raptured.

      • Lascauxcaveman

        YOU have Saddam's missing WMDs? Nuts. That means all that stuff I bought from Chalabi is bogus. I should have known; he let it go pretty cheap.

        [/goes to clean out garage]

        • flamingpdog

          I have Saddam's missing nuts.

          • Barb

            Really, that must take up a lot of space in your house. I heard that when he died he was really well hung.

    • http://zvibleindmeis.tumblr.com/ SpurningBeer

      I confess that for a couple of years when I was in college, I was a retrosexual.

      • http://www.storycorner.us/ JustPixelz

        Everyone experiments. Although some "experiments" are an abomination to nature. Rush in a swimsuit, for instance. Or "Battlefield Earth". Or olestra.

  • freakishlywrong

    What is a "prostate"? Does it have issues? Can it hurt my vag?

    • prommie

      The prostate is the organ that performs the critical function of turning cancerous in literally every man who lives long enough. But they are complelely harmless to your vag.

      • Gopherit

        The prostate is proof that intelligent design is bullshit.

    • CapnFatback

      Hurt vag? Then I have the blanket for you!

    • http://www.vinoverve.com Maman

      Don't you need to be prostate to use your vag in the first place? That is what I learned from Det. Sipowicz on NYPD Blue.

    • FrenchTwist40

      Contrary to some of your other respondents on this one, the prostate is the little love organ that makes getting ass-fucked TOTALLY THE BEST THING EVER, BETTER THAN ICE CREAM EVEN, instead of, quite literally, an enormous pain in the ass.

      Seriously, I don't know how or why you ladies put up with it.

  • nounverb911

    "Are Your Prostate Issues an Inevitable Part of Aging?"
    Use more santorum.

    • Beowoof

      It would help, but I have an older gay buddy and he tells me the best prostate massage is a good ass fucking.

  • Texan_Bulldog

    "…related to watching The Price Is Right…" Maybe the Drew Carey version but don't be blood libeling my man, Bob Barker.

  • Troubledog

    Is there just, really, nothing left to write about? That's sad. You picked the wrong career. Good luck paying back your student loans.

    • Ken Cuccinelli

      Either that or he's drunk at 11 in the morning.

      • Troubledog

        Two days in a row?

        • Guppy06

          With his "job," I'd be surprised if he was sober two days in a row.

      • proudgrampa

        Isn't everyone drunk at 11:00 in the morning?

        • Troubledog

          I bet Riley isn't.

        • WriteyWriterton

          Wait, what? Is it morning? I'm still so drunk, I can't tell.

    • Oblios_Cap

      I really expected this kind of thing from Wags, what with the fact he's been Andy's bitch lately.

  • BornInATrailer

    Right now I'm more concerned as to why Arnold fathered a love child with, judging by the photos, Gilbert Gottfried.

    • Guppy06

      Can the kid possibly look any more Aryan?

    • Gopherit

      She reminded him of Danny DiVito?

    • Steverino247

      Let's hear the sex tape!


  • qwerty42

    Are all the comments from the AMC years hidden on the Gawker site (Our Wonkette was once part of the Denton Empire)? I think Weigel even worked on the site for a while. Ah, Retro Day.

  • undeterredbyreality

    "What's all this talk about prostrate issues? When I lie facedown, nothing issues from me at all. It's only when I turn over that the frothy mix issues from my . . . . Oh, prostate issues . . . . Nevermind."

    /s/ Emily Litella

  • petehammer

    Are you guys this dense? When you regret a past action you just have to follow Newt!


    "Any ad which quotes [Wonkette Answers] is a falsehood."

    Boom! History undeleted!

  • CapeClod

    All your prostate are ours.

  • Bonzos_Bed_Time

    Well, looks like Jack has gone off on a tweak.

    Stay safe young man, stay safe.

    Via con dios.

    • Guppy06

      Via con Doritos: go with corn chips

  • horsedreamer_1

    November 3rd, 2004: John Edwards seemed to be going places (even as his ticket lost).

  • Hatrabbit

    Somebody's been licking the keyboard again.

  • MistaEko

    To channel the great Al Sweringen:

    "Our Retro Day permits interest in one question only: are we of Wonkette to be more than just targets for assfucking posts? To not click the comment threads is to take a stand."

  • SayItWithWookies

    I anxiously await the Butterstick news.

    • Gopherit

      He's become a commie.

      • SayItWithWookies

        That's what happens when you're coddled by zookeepers all your life — it gives you a sense of entitlement.

  • Mumbletypeg

    NPR may not have had much to say about Price is Right lately, but it entered assbuggery terrain when it 'probed' the latest Vatican horse-twaddle. Quoth their research spokeswoman during yesterday's interview, in more words or less as borrowed from the above post: "Actually, altar boy raping issues are related to ramped-up sexual expression circa 60s, not pedophilia, specifically."

  • EatsBabyDingos

    Farts burn blue.

  • Arken

    I think I'm just going to stay away from Wonkette today. Hopefully tomorrow, posts will start making sense again.

    • Mumbletypeg

      Pfft. A little nonsense now and then is relished by the wisest men snarkiest mien.

  • worrytron

    Pretty ballsy to remind people of the days when this site was … well let's just say funny.

  • http://www.storycorner.us/ JustPixelz

    Jack seems to channeling Newt explaining … well, anything. Next up: How David Gregory set him up by asking about a tiny gland which many people don't even have.

  • SorosBot

    But Jack, so will you be going to sleep tonight, or just partying on until dawn?

  • Limeylizzie

    Retro day, I'll say, I am in a Starbucks in Chicago wth my ancient iBook and battery is running down and have no internets at my fancy, Sony Tv studio-rented loft . Still, looks as if I haven't missed much in the last few days.

    • WriteyWriterton

      Welcome to the Heartland, LL! We're glad you're here! Spend lots of $s, also, too!

    • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/ Chet Kincaid

      Wild-Ass-Guess: Is Mr. Limeylizzie here working on that Kelsey Grammar show where he's the mayor of Chicago (as if!)?

    • http://intensedebate.com/people/mrblifil mrblifil

      I'm not an IT professional, but I'm pretty sure you can plug those things into a wall…

    • Ms Whatever

      You can get a portable satellite wifi device from your cell phone provider and attach to your laptop – not very expensive, accessible everywhere.

      • Limeylizzie

        Thanks, I actually have managed to get the vile AT&T to stop by and fix it.

  • hagajim

    After drinking too much last night, I was prostate….or is that prostrate? Whatever.

  • ThundercatHo

    Dear Wonkette,
    My husband insists that emptying the (his) prostate early and often will prevent prostate disease as it is only when these bodily humours are allowed to sit and spoil that the gland will become cancerous. Should I believe him?

    • flamingpdog

      It's true, but don't believe him. He is a man.

  • PsycWench

    November 3rd was my 44th birthday. At this rate, God only knows what #54 will bring.

  • http://wonkette.com/ weejee

    All this talk about buttsechs and buttersticks got me thinking about the most retro retrograde Dick Cheney – "Murica's suppository, no butts about it..

  • Gopherit

    I think it's official. Retro hour was fun…..retro morning was tolerable…….but Retro Day kind of blows.

  • CapeClod

    Well corrected.

  • http://howtosavetheworld.ca/ BZ1

    Retro day? I thought it was retread day…

  • BarryOPotter

    Those damn hippies…

    I think they prefer to be called Post-hygienic Bohemians…

  • Ducksworthy

    Jack. Drunken Despair is not a pretty sight, especially during the daylight hours.

  • MadBrahms

    I thought this was going to be about Zoobas and Pac-Man, and instead it's all about swollen prostates and assfucking.

  • Cheetah Repeater

    I got the same junk mail a few minutes ago! Does this mean I work for Wonketter? I always thought I had the right 'stuef.'

  • Beowoof

    I have always thought women disconnect from reality on the weight issue. I can't speak for anyone else, but what is up with girls who look like 10 year old boys. Give me the curves..

    • BornInATrailer

      As I have quoted before…

      36-24-36? Only if she's 5' 3"…

  • Beowoof

    Really Sarah said this, and yet she has never really answered the rumors about her banging Todd's business partner and Todd banging hookers. Although, if I had to listen to Sarah before, during or after sex, a hooker could take on a whole new appeal.

  • problemwithcaring

    What was the name of the O.G. Wonkette troll -Tony the Tiger? The epic Shortsshortsshorts take downs of Tony-the-Tiger were why I started reading Wonkette. I wonder… are those comment sections still around for perusal? I mean, not that I would ever — who has that kind of time to waste?? – especially at my place of employment. ( *frantically searches internet wayback machine. )

  • Beowoof

    Does Retro day mean you don't have to think up any new shit today. Most Americans don't like thinking, so it should be a hit with the electorate and particularly popular with the teabagger crowd.

  • Negropolis

    Jack, we've brought all your friends and family here, because you have a problem and we love you…

  • prommie

    She has immense, you could even call them "bodacious," ta-tas, and such things can be so mesmerizing that all else is just a haze.