the d.c. gossip

Washingtonienne Update!

AN IMAGE? We just broke your America Online 3.0!Considering this is Retro Day, and Wikipedia says some word vomit called a “Washingtonienne” is what Wonkette is “known for,” we should probably let you know what is going on in the life of this sex-haver! Google says she had what appears to be a teevee pilot in 2009, featuring such fun characters as “Politician,” “Bike Messenger,” and “Ben’s Chili Bowl Patron” (“the show’s black character”). Seems like maybe they accidentally gave Jessica Cutler money back when she was sort of a thing and were forced to make this show?

There is “one left in stock” of her book on Amazon. It’s also available “used” (like the author!) in either hardback or paperback for $0.01. It is available in “unknown binding” for $3.65. There are a few “recent reviews” (from 2008). On the cover is some human flesh, a bit of metal, and some fabric.

On this new Facebook invention, a whole 44 people “like” her.

She quickly got married in 2008 to some dope lawyer, it would appear, and managed to get a tiny bit of attention out of it. She was “not pregnant,” she declared, as if she had tried (in vain) to spread a rumor that she was but absolutely nobody cared.

That’s the most recent stuff a cursory search turns up, so this person may very well be dead, or living with Ana Marie Cox in a condo in whatever the 2004 version of Anacostia is (Georgetown?), assfucking.

Washingtonienne [IMDB]
Washingtonienne [Amazon]
Jessica Cutler [Facebook]
The D.C. Sex Blogger on How She Went From Slut to Housewife [Daily Beast]

About the author

Jack Stuef is your loyal editor and a freelance satirist or something like that. He is a contributing writer for The Onion. E-mail him or whatever.

View all articles by Jack Stuef

Comments

Hey there, Wonkeputians! Shypixel here with a few helpful links to ease your transition to Disqus - Claiming Old Accounts - Claiming Your ID Comments [Looking into whether this is still possible - Shy] - Turning off Disqus Notifications. And, as always, remember our Commenting Rules For Radicals, Enjoy!

  • http://www.vinoverve.com Maman

    It was the IMAGE that broke my AOL 3.0? or the image of boobs? Either way, I wondered.

  • SorosBot

    I for one would definitely read "Boobs: A Novel".

    • Sophist[Kochblocker]

      Meghan McCain is taking notes as we type.

      • user-of-owls

        That would be more like "Boobs: An Atlas." Multi-volume, of course.

      • SorosBot

        I think we know what the cover photo will be.

    • GeoffPeterson

      A graphic novel, preferably.

    • genxr

      I'd rather watch "Ow! My Balls! The Movie" Frankly I'd rather star in that movie than read this book.

  • MadBrahms

    "Living with Ana Marie Cox, assfucking"

    This is the last time we let you watch "Requiem for a Dream" before bed, Jack.

  • memzilla

    Here's "retro" for you: decades ago, after the Saturday Night Massacre when Nixon fired Ruckelshaus, Richardson, and Cox, my employer took great offense at the bumper sticker on my car: "Impeach The Cox Shucker."

    • genxr

      These events became notorious thanks to the greatest political expose in history, "Wheres The Birf Certificat?"

  • nounverb911

    Boobs. The republican presidential candidate adultery directory.

  • CrankyLttlCamperette

    Jessica, you ignorant slut.

  • http://www.flickr.com/photos/30500320@N06/ DerrickWildcat

    Pretty good Mom.

  • Texan_Bulldog

    I just read that Daily Beast article. Jessica seems like the kind of gal I'd rather stab myself in the neck with a pen than get stuck in an elevator with her. Good lord!

    • Boojum_Reborn

      You would be wrong. I know Jessica; she's actually a very nice person whose accidentally public blog launched this website's popularity. She just happens to have lady parts and enjoy the use of them.

      You may thank her at your leisure.

  • proudgrampa

    Wow. Just think of all the experience she brings to THAT marriage.

    • BornInATrailer

      Worst misspelling of "pubic lice" I've ever seen.

      • GOPCrusher

        Keyboard. Meet green tea.

    • BarryOPotter

      "Nah, bro, my lady's totally cool. She doesn't really care where I put it…"

    • GeoffPeterson

      More than all my previous girlfriends put together, I bet.

  • GuanoFaucet

    Jack, if you're going to delve into the annals of anal, you need to use the "ass fucking" tag.

  • CapeClod

    I seem to recall that this was a rather hopeless attempt to make DC seem 'sexy.'

    • horsedreamer_1

      See also: Real World, The on MTV.

  • noodlesalad

    Newt, this is number four. She will get you back in the driver's seat. Trust me.

    • Lascauxcaveman

      Newt, this is number four. She will get you back in the driver's seat.

      And you'll get her in the back seat. Back door, too, probably, also.

  • baconzgood

    Tee-Hee
    "Boobs"

  • freakishlywrong

    You mean Megs McCain didn't write Boobs, a novel? Because she should.

    • Terry

      It would be composed entirely of tweets and photos she took of herself in the mirror.

      • horsedreamer_1

        With other books obscuring, in part, the titular subject.

        META.

        • bagofmice

          Truly, the seminal wok of our time.

    • noodlesalad

      Mega is much more philosophical. I think it was "Atlas' Jugs"

    • Billmatic

      I'd bury my face in it.

  • CapeClod

    Oh, and Jack, please make sure you cover the "DC Slut Walk' because that looks absolutely appalling.

  • Terry

    What ever happened to the chief of staff guy who was the -er as opposed to the -ee in this whole thing.

  • LesBontemps

    Aww, someone's feeling nostalgic/sentimental!

  • http://www.wonkette.com ManchuCandidate

    It's hard to get pregnant through anal sex and spanking.

    • freakishlywrong

      And blogging..

    • Bonzos_Bed_Time

      Viva Italia!

  • Badonkadonkette

    That’s the most recent stuff a cursory search turns up, so this person may very well be dead, or living with Ana Marie Cox in a condo in whatever the 2004 version of Anacostia is (Georgetown?), assfucking.

    Maybe Ana Marie Cox will blog about it on her new site, Peggette.

    • horsedreamer_1

      Pegger. They can use a headshot of Katy Segal for the logo.

      • Texan_Bulldog

        Or Peggy Hill (King of the Hill wife).

        • prommie

          Have you ever noticed that Sarah Palin looks just like Peggy Hill? Down to the giant feet.

  • DaSandman

    I'd have ridden her in her time. Like Secretariat. But I understand she had a lot of jockeys…

    A la Bristol. But Jessie probably didn't do as much meth as the Wonder from Wasilla.

    Fucking slacker.

  • http://guyclinch.blogspot.com GuyClinch

    Why just last week I saw Nina Totenberg walking unsteadily on heels through the Sangamore Rd Safeway parking lot. Hollywood's got nothin' on us!

    • Bonzos_Bed_Time

      You are so lucky, I only know what her voice looks like.

      • Lascauxcaveman

        I always pictured her as maybe like Helen Thomas, minus 30 years.

        (google image)

        Hey, I was pretty close.

        • Bonzos_Bed_Time

          I don't want to end the magic.

  • Radiotherapy

    And nothing about us commenters! What are we, chopped liver?
    Oh yeah, I guess we are.

    • Lascauxcaveman

      Pickled liver, actually, most of us.

  • horsedreamer_1

    DC ZOMBIE INVASION.

  • El Pinche

    Jessica Cutler is hot but a bit dainty like balsa wood for my taste.

    • mrbubb

      Yeah. I, for one, hate the taste of balsa wood.

      • bagofmice

        Balsa wood and models seem to have a correlation.

        • BornInATrailer

          Generally have the same IQ.

  • elviouslyqueer

    Hmmm, considering the HUGE gayface on Cutler's hubby, I'd wager he married her so he could get his own fair share of man-action.

  • prommie

    Of course she wasn't pregnant, you can't get pregnant from ASS-FUCKING!

  • PsycWench

    Is that what guys call it now?

  • mrbubb

    You probably mean "two bit", meaning 25 cents. Though, since we're taking about hoes, maybe you do mean "too-bit", meaning too much teeth on the vagina. It's a mystery!

  • PsycWench

    I believe that since the Daily Beast article that she has given birth at least once. The mother/daughter sex talks should be interesting. "Any man who fucks you in the ass without getting you drunk does not love you" is a tidbit she could resurrect.

    • prommie

      I'm filing that tidbit away for future use.

    • Lascauxcaveman

      You wouldn't want her to lie to her own daughter, would you?

    • Gopherit

      Don't forget the "make sure to get the cash before you fuck him" talk.

  • Arken

    Am I the only one who doesn't understand any of this?

    • Texan_Bulldog

      No, me no likey Retro Day. :-(

      • PsycWench

        You know how there is the part of the family dinner where all the old people talk about other old people who died? It's like that. It's not a conversation you can keep up long, though.

        • horsedreamer_1

          I found out about Wonkette from Eric Alterman's MSNBC blog linking to the Jessica Cutler posts.

          Now, Ana Marie's somewhere, Eric's at David Brock's Continued Hucksterism &/or Repentence Tour, & Jessica did the first worthwhile thing in her life: realizing she's washed up & needs to get what she can. (Though, she always did seem to be about that.)

          The more things change…

          • PsycWench

            After JC was fired she reported went to a bar, confessed to the bartender that she was fired for writing a sexually explicit blog and the bartender asked "What's a blog?" That part has probably changed.

          • BTWBFDIMHO

            That's when she met her husband!

    • SorosBot

      The tags are your friends: http://wonkette.com/tag/washingtonienne

      • Arken

        I'm only slightly less confused.

    • elviouslyqueer

      I understood the whole "Boobs" thing, but only in a "Girl please, you need to cover that shit up with a muu-muu" kind of way.

    • prommie

      Well you see, when a man and a woman love each other very much, sometimes they will sneak away from their spouses and meet secretly and get drunk, so that they won't feel as awkward when they then stumble out of the bar and go check into a cheap motel and get naked and do the ass-fucking together to show their love and mutual respect and devotion to each other.

      • sezme

        Is that why daddy sometimes walks funny?

    • sezme

      As a public service, Wonkette starts here: http://wonkette.com/page/1944

      Interestingly, back in the first month of publication, Wonkette was presciently referring to Schwarzenegger sex acts.

      • Lascauxcaveman

        Too bad comments are disabled on ye olde ancient postes, I was hoping to go back and become the first commenter in the history of teh Wonkettes. (Until the next re-design, anyway)

      • SorosBot

        And AMC is just named Wonkette now, it appears.

        • horsedreamer_1

          & possibly, a Scientologist. Caught this on her Wiki entry:

          "In 2009 on an Amtrak train from New York to Washington Cox had a severe allergic reaction after eating a lentil salad. Fox News host Greta Van Susteren saw her choking and came to her aid with Benadryl, after which Cox recovered. Cox later personally thanked Greta for saving her life".

          Pretty sure saving another's life makes that person an easy mark for Dianetics.

        • sezme

          Actually, if I remember correctly, AMC always used the username Wonkette.

          • Boojum_Reborn

            Wonkette was nothing before Jessica Cutler. She made this beast.

    • Cicada

      Quit making me feel old. Sheesh.

    • finallyhappy

      When the Post magazine did a big article on her, I wrote to the Post about how they glamorized being a whore. Actually it was a 4 paragraph letter and the Post published a heavily edited one paragraph. It is the only time the Post published my letter(mostly I tell various Post staff/editors that they are whores- non sexually, of course)

  • PeaceWithHonor

    Jack, since we're going retro, can we get lobbyist gossip, cartoon violence and perhaps a wide stance or two? Can we relive the wonders of Cocktober and Blovember (Cosplay May)? Can't we all just hook up?

    • CrankyLttlCamperette

      Ooh! Is Amy coming back to spam us with the Millennium Development Goals?

      • Gopherit

        END POVERTY BY 2015!

  • Mahousu

    The millennium has arrived, and nobody even noticed. Obviously, the two of them did work out how to make babies, and pretty quickly at that. Congrats to all, and my sympathies to Jessica-Louise.

    • Texan_Bulldog

      Hope they're saving up for the therapy she's going to need!

  • SayItWithWookies

    So someone in DC known for inane and mostly harmless antics has come back from obscurity. Obviously she's running for the GOP nomination.

  • http://howtosavetheworld.ca/ BZ1

    "Jessica Cutler, the former Hill aide behind the explosive “Washingtonienne” sex blog, explains why she gave up the louche life to settle down and get married." Isn't that spelled "douche"?

  • http://thethingsrepublicanshate.com/ Chillwaver

    While on topic, what's Michele Malkin up to nowadays?

  • satyricrash

    So far, no one's being shit on by professionals, so it's obviously not THAT retro. Also.

  • CrankyLttlCamperette

    There's a difference between sluts and whores.

    • bagofmice

      Yeah, you'd have to go to K street to find 'em.

  • Guppy06

    Does Cox have the common decency to get Cutler drunk first?

  • sezme

    And thus is fulfilled the annual buttsex article as stipulated in the terms of understanding between Ana Marie Cox and Gawker, subsequently transferred to Ken Layne. Huzzah, huzzah!

  • riverside68

    I miss the AMC regime. Nothing wrong with titilating the straight boys with talk of sex, boobs, and ass-fucking.
    Re: Washingtonienne: Why so judgemental on a girl just getting by in DC and writing it all down, in a most entertaining style? (Which, BTW, made Wonkette what it is: a blog that is read.)

    needs less fabric, mor sweater puppies on a horse.

  • BTWBFDIMHO

    The Capitol necklace was sold at Tiffany's for $500k.

    • AJW@[redacted]

      Is it on Newty-toot's revolving charge?

  • Gopherit

    It makes me a little sad and nostalgic to see wonkette forget it's roots. We've forgotten Ana Marie? The first emergence of the Paultards? Dracula Cunt? Katherine "Tits McGee" Harris? I feel so old.

    • undeterredbyreality

      I, for one, will never forget Ana Marie. She lives on in my fantasies daily.

      • Gopherit

        Truth.

      • DashboardBuddha

        word

    • genxr

      How about, "I'd hit that new Alaska governor!"

      • Gopherit

        Then she started talking.

  • user-of-owls

    That photo made me hungry for some reason. I think I will pop off to the deli for a nice Rubens sandwich.

    • WriteyWriterton

      A nice Rubenesque sandwich.

  • undeterredbyreality

    Liveblog Obama Speech: Hahahaha! Obama said Hillary Clinton will "go down"–Who writes this stuff?

  • undeterredbyreality

    Downfister hates retro day.

    • El Pinche

      It doesn't compare to Victoria-Jackson-shows-her-heavy-hangers-day; some of them even get semi-hard (damn you diabettus!!) .

  • PostApocalypse

    Contrition is the least sexy thing. Also, I like drunks.

  • GeoffPeterson

    Marriage material!

  • prommie

    Nowhere do any of the links mention whether she still likes to earn money on the side the way she used to. Is she still available to love me long time in exchange for some "roses?" What name does she use on Craigslist?

    • finallyhappy

      wasn't it actually $450 for "lunch"?

  • Fuck Toad

    Don't forget Late Night Shots, Jack!

    • SorosBot

      Will we have a new Condi Watch too?

    • horsedreamer_1

      More Pregnancy Scares!

  • DashboardBuddha

    Ana Marie Cox…sigh

  • bagofmice

    If she's over 6' tall, that's definitely an Amazon review.

  • axmxz

    That 'unknown binding' better be laminated…

  • horsedreamer_1

    Kinda nice in a pink sack sock gonna give my hubby anal way.

    Fixed.

  • El Pinche

    I wonder what her LinkedIn page looks like, "Jessica Cutler – Former Political Vagina"

  • AJW@[redacted]

    The stupidity, not so much.

  • genxr

    After reading all that, I need some antibiotics.

  • http://intensedebate.com/people/mrblifil mrblifil

    Girls, girls, girls…"poop out a baby" is just an expression, so if you're trying to start a family via buttsechs, u r doin it rong.

    • finallyhappy

      Didn't someone say that lizards do it that way or nearby?

      • flamingpdog

        In lizards, one chute handles all. It's what separates Man from the lizards.

  • WriteyWriterton

    "DC Slut Walk" = New name for Gucci Gulch.