THE D.C. GOSSIP  11:01 am May 19, 2011

Washingtonienne Update!

by Jack Stuef

AN IMAGE? We just broke your America Online 3.0!Considering this is Retro Day, and Wikipedia says some word vomit called a “Washingtonienne” is what Wonkette is “known for,” we should probably let you know what is going on in the life of this sex-haver! Google says she had what appears to be a teevee pilot in 2009, featuring such fun characters as “Politician,” “Bike Messenger,” and “Ben’s Chili Bowl Patron” (“the show’s black character”). Seems like maybe they accidentally gave Jessica Cutler money back when she was sort of a thing and were forced to make this show?

There is “one left in stock” of her book on Amazon. It’s also available “used” (like the author!) in either hardback or paperback for $0.01. It is available in “unknown binding” for $3.65. There are a few “recent reviews” (from 2008). On the cover is some human flesh, a bit of metal, and some fabric.

On this new Facebook invention, a whole 44 people “like” her.

She quickly got married in 2008 to some dope lawyer, it would appear, and managed to get a tiny bit of attention out of it. She was “not pregnant,” she declared, as if she had tried (in vain) to spread a rumor that she was but absolutely nobody cared.

That’s the most recent stuff a cursory search turns up, so this person may very well be dead, or living with Ana Marie Cox in a condo in whatever the 2004 version of Anacostia is (Georgetown?), assfucking.

Washingtonienne [IMDB]
Washingtonienne [Amazon]
Jessica Cutler [Facebook]
The D.C. Sex Blogger on How She Went From Slut to Housewife [Daily Beast]

 
Related video

Hola wonkerados.

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Also, if you are a new commenter, your comment may never appear. This is probably because we hate you.

{ 132 comments }

Maman May 19, 2011 at 11:06 am

It was the IMAGE that broke my AOL 3.0? or the image of boobs? Either way, I wondered.

SorosBot May 19, 2011 at 11:08 am

I for one would definitely read "Boobs: A Novel".

Sophist[Kochblocker] May 19, 2011 at 12:12 pm

Meghan McCain is taking notes as we type.

user-of-owls May 19, 2011 at 12:21 pm

That would be more like "Boobs: An Atlas." Multi-volume, of course.

BTWBFDIMHO May 19, 2011 at 12:44 pm

Boobs Shrugged is a new biography of Anna Nicole Smith.

horsedreamer_1 May 19, 2011 at 1:04 pm
SorosBot May 19, 2011 at 12:46 pm

I think we know what the cover photo will be.

GeoffPeterson May 19, 2011 at 12:24 pm

A graphic novel, preferably.

genxr May 19, 2011 at 1:14 pm

I'd rather watch "Ow! My Balls! The Movie" Frankly I'd rather star in that movie than read this book.

MadBrahms May 19, 2011 at 11:08 am

"Living with Ana Marie Cox, assfucking"

This is the last time we let you watch "Requiem for a Dream" before bed, Jack.

Gopherit May 19, 2011 at 12:19 pm
memzilla May 19, 2011 at 11:08 am

Here's "retro" for you: decades ago, after the Saturday Night Massacre when Nixon fired Ruckelshaus, Richardson, and Cox, my employer took great offense at the bumper sticker on my car: "Impeach The Cox Shucker."

genxr May 19, 2011 at 1:15 pm

These events became notorious thanks to the greatest political expose in history, "Wheres The Birf Certificat?"

nounverb911 May 19, 2011 at 11:08 am

Boobs. The republican presidential candidate adultery directory.

CrankyLttlCamperette May 19, 2011 at 11:08 am

Jessica, you ignorant slut.

DerrickWildcat May 19, 2011 at 11:09 am

Pretty good Mom.

Texan_Bulldog May 19, 2011 at 11:09 am

I just read that Daily Beast article. Jessica seems like the kind of gal I'd rather stab myself in the neck with a pen than get stuck in an elevator with her. Good lord!

Boojum_Reborn May 19, 2011 at 1:28 pm

You would be wrong. I know Jessica; she's actually a very nice person whose accidentally public blog launched this website's popularity. She just happens to have lady parts and enjoy the use of them.

You may thank her at your leisure.

proudgrampa May 19, 2011 at 11:10 am

Wow. Just think of all the experience she brings to THAT marriage.

BornInATrailer May 19, 2011 at 11:20 am

Worst misspelling of "pubic lice" I've ever seen.

GOPCrusher May 19, 2011 at 3:38 pm

Keyboard. Meet green tea.

BarryOPotter May 19, 2011 at 11:47 am

"Nah, bro, my lady's totally cool. She doesn't really care where I put it…"

GeoffPeterson May 19, 2011 at 12:26 pm

More than all my previous girlfriends put together, I bet.

GuanoFaucet May 19, 2011 at 11:10 am

Jack, if you're going to delve into the annals of anal, you need to use the "ass fucking" tag.

CapeClod May 19, 2011 at 11:11 am

I seem to recall that this was a rather hopeless attempt to make DC seem 'sexy.'

horsedreamer_1 May 19, 2011 at 11:25 am

See also: Real World, The on MTV.

noodlesalad May 19, 2011 at 11:11 am

Newt, this is number four. She will get you back in the driver's seat. Trust me.

Lascauxcaveman May 19, 2011 at 11:54 am

Newt, this is number four. She will get you back in the driver's seat.

And you'll get her in the back seat. Back door, too, probably, also.

baconzgood May 19, 2011 at 11:11 am

Tee-Hee
"Boobs"

freakishlywrong May 19, 2011 at 11:12 am

You mean Megs McCain didn't write Boobs, a novel? Because she should.

Terry May 19, 2011 at 11:18 am

It would be composed entirely of tweets and photos she took of herself in the mirror.

horsedreamer_1 May 19, 2011 at 11:26 am

With other books obscuring, in part, the titular subject.

META.

bagofmice May 19, 2011 at 12:49 pm

Truly, the seminal wok of our time.

noodlesalad May 19, 2011 at 11:22 am

Mega is much more philosophical. I think it was "Atlas' Jugs"

Billmatic May 19, 2011 at 11:54 am

I'd bury my face in it.

CapeClod May 19, 2011 at 11:14 am

Oh, and Jack, please make sure you cover the "DC Slut Walk' because that looks absolutely appalling.

Terry May 19, 2011 at 11:17 am

What ever happened to the chief of staff guy who was the -er as opposed to the -ee in this whole thing.

LesBontemps May 19, 2011 at 11:19 am

Aww, someone's feeling nostalgic/sentimental!

ManchuCandidate May 19, 2011 at 11:20 am

It's hard to get pregnant through anal sex and spanking.

freakishlywrong May 19, 2011 at 11:25 am

And blogging..

Bonzos_Bed_Time May 19, 2011 at 11:43 am

Viva Italia!

Badonkadonkette May 19, 2011 at 11:21 am

That’s the most recent stuff a cursory search turns up, so this person may very well be dead, or living with Ana Marie Cox in a condo in whatever the 2004 version of Anacostia is (Georgetown?), assfucking.

Maybe Ana Marie Cox will blog about it on her new site, Peggette.

horsedreamer_1 May 19, 2011 at 11:27 am

Pegger. They can use a headshot of Katy Segal for the logo.

Texan_Bulldog May 19, 2011 at 11:38 am

Or Peggy Hill (King of the Hill wife).

prommie May 19, 2011 at 11:48 am

Have you ever noticed that Sarah Palin looks just like Peggy Hill? Down to the giant feet.

DaSandman May 19, 2011 at 11:21 am

I'd have ridden her in her time. Like Secretariat. But I understand she had a lot of jockeys…

A la Bristol. But Jessie probably didn't do as much meth as the Wonder from Wasilla.

Fucking slacker.

GuyClinch May 19, 2011 at 11:23 am

Why just last week I saw Nina Totenberg walking unsteadily on heels through the Sangamore Rd Safeway parking lot. Hollywood's got nothin' on us!

Bonzos_Bed_Time May 19, 2011 at 11:43 am

You are so lucky, I only know what her voice looks like.

Lascauxcaveman May 19, 2011 at 12:05 pm

I always pictured her as maybe like Helen Thomas, minus 30 years.

(google image)

Hey, I was pretty close.

Bonzos_Bed_Time May 19, 2011 at 4:32 pm

I don't want to end the magic.

Radiotherapy May 19, 2011 at 11:25 am

And nothing about us commenters! What are we, chopped liver?
Oh yeah, I guess we are.

Lascauxcaveman May 19, 2011 at 12:09 pm

Pickled liver, actually, most of us.

horsedreamer_1 May 19, 2011 at 11:26 am

DC ZOMBIE INVASION.

El Pinche May 19, 2011 at 11:29 am

Jessica Cutler is hot but a bit dainty like balsa wood for my taste.

mrbubb May 19, 2011 at 11:35 am

Yeah. I, for one, hate the taste of balsa wood.

bagofmice May 19, 2011 at 12:56 pm

Balsa wood and models seem to have a correlation.

BornInATrailer May 19, 2011 at 3:57 pm

Generally have the same IQ.

elviouslyqueer May 19, 2011 at 11:30 am

Hmmm, considering the HUGE gayface on Cutler's hubby, I'd wager he married her so he could get his own fair share of man-action.

prommie May 19, 2011 at 11:30 am

Of course she wasn't pregnant, you can't get pregnant from ASS-FUCKING!

PsycWench May 19, 2011 at 11:31 am

Is that what guys call it now?

mrbubb May 19, 2011 at 11:33 am

You probably mean "two bit", meaning 25 cents. Though, since we're taking about hoes, maybe you do mean "too-bit", meaning too much teeth on the vagina. It's a mystery!

PsycWench May 19, 2011 at 11:34 am

I believe that since the Daily Beast article that she has given birth at least once. The mother/daughter sex talks should be interesting. "Any man who fucks you in the ass without getting you drunk does not love you" is a tidbit she could resurrect.

prommie May 19, 2011 at 11:49 am

I'm filing that tidbit away for future use.

Lascauxcaveman May 19, 2011 at 12:13 pm

You wouldn't want her to lie to her own daughter, would you?

Gopherit May 19, 2011 at 5:20 pm

Don't forget the "make sure to get the cash before you fuck him" talk.

Arken May 19, 2011 at 11:35 am

Am I the only one who doesn't understand any of this?

Texan_Bulldog May 19, 2011 at 11:37 am

No, me no likey Retro Day. :-(

PsycWench May 19, 2011 at 11:44 am

You know how there is the part of the family dinner where all the old people talk about other old people who died? It's like that. It's not a conversation you can keep up long, though.

horsedreamer_1 May 19, 2011 at 11:50 am

I found out about Wonkette from Eric Alterman's MSNBC blog linking to the Jessica Cutler posts.

Now, Ana Marie's somewhere, Eric's at David Brock's Continued Hucksterism &/or Repentence Tour, & Jessica did the first worthwhile thing in her life: realizing she's washed up & needs to get what she can. (Though, she always did seem to be about that.)

The more things change…

PsycWench May 19, 2011 at 11:53 am

After JC was fired she reported went to a bar, confessed to the bartender that she was fired for writing a sexually explicit blog and the bartender asked "What's a blog?" That part has probably changed.

SorosBot May 19, 2011 at 11:50 am

The tags are your friends: http://wonkette.com/tag/washingtonienne

Arken May 19, 2011 at 11:56 am

I'm only slightly less confused.

elviouslyqueer May 19, 2011 at 11:50 am

I understood the whole "Boobs" thing, but only in a "Girl please, you need to cover that shit up with a muu-muu" kind of way.

Gopherit May 19, 2011 at 12:07 pm

Looks like she did. Nice wedding gown.
http://www.tdbimg.com/files/2008/12/10/img-bs-top

prommie May 19, 2011 at 11:56 am

Well you see, when a man and a woman love each other very much, sometimes they will sneak away from their spouses and meet secretly and get drunk, so that they won't feel as awkward when they then stumble out of the bar and go check into a cheap motel and get naked and do the ass-fucking together to show their love and mutual respect and devotion to each other.

sezme May 19, 2011 at 12:12 pm

Is that why daddy sometimes walks funny?

sezme May 19, 2011 at 12:08 pm

As a public service, Wonkette starts here: http://wonkette.com/page/1944

Interestingly, back in the first month of publication, Wonkette was presciently referring to Schwarzenegger sex acts.

Lascauxcaveman May 19, 2011 at 12:26 pm

Too bad comments are disabled on ye olde ancient postes, I was hoping to go back and become the first commenter in the history of teh Wonkettes. (Until the next re-design, anyway)

SorosBot May 19, 2011 at 12:49 pm

And AMC is just named Wonkette now, it appears.

horsedreamer_1 May 19, 2011 at 1:11 pm

& possibly, a Scientologist. Caught this on her Wiki entry:

"In 2009 on an Amtrak train from New York to Washington Cox had a severe allergic reaction after eating a lentil salad. Fox News host Greta Van Susteren saw her choking and came to her aid with Benadryl, after which Cox recovered. Cox later personally thanked Greta for saving her life".

Pretty sure saving another's life makes that person an easy mark for Dianetics.

sezme May 19, 2011 at 3:11 pm

Actually, if I remember correctly, AMC always used the username Wonkette.

Boojum_Reborn May 19, 2011 at 4:19 pm

Wonkette was nothing before Jessica Cutler. She made this beast.

Cicada May 19, 2011 at 3:17 pm

Quit making me feel old. Sheesh.

finallyhappy May 19, 2011 at 5:10 pm

When the Post magazine did a big article on her, I wrote to the Post about how they glamorized being a whore. Actually it was a 4 paragraph letter and the Post published a heavily edited one paragraph. It is the only time the Post published my letter(mostly I tell various Post staff/editors that they are whores- non sexually, of course)

PeaceWithHonor May 19, 2011 at 11:38 am

Jack, since we're going retro, can we get lobbyist gossip, cartoon violence and perhaps a wide stance or two? Can we relive the wonders of Cocktober and Blovember (Cosplay May)? Can't we all just hook up?

CrankyLttlCamperette May 19, 2011 at 12:06 pm

Ooh! Is Amy coming back to spam us with the Millennium Development Goals?

Gopherit May 19, 2011 at 12:25 pm

END POVERTY BY 2015!

Mahousu May 19, 2011 at 11:38 am

The millennium has arrived, and nobody even noticed. Obviously, the two of them did work out how to make babies, and pretty quickly at that. Congrats to all, and my sympathies to Jessica-Louise.

Texan_Bulldog May 19, 2011 at 11:41 am

Hope they're saving up for the therapy she's going to need!

SayItWithWookies May 19, 2011 at 11:39 am

So someone in DC known for inane and mostly harmless antics has come back from obscurity. Obviously she's running for the GOP nomination.

BZ1 May 19, 2011 at 11:40 am

"Jessica Cutler, the former Hill aide behind the explosive “Washingtonienne” sex blog, explains why she gave up the louche life to settle down and get married." Isn't that spelled "douche"?

Chillwaver May 19, 2011 at 11:51 am

While on topic, what's Michele Malkin up to nowadays?

Gopherit May 19, 2011 at 12:09 pm
satyricrash May 19, 2011 at 11:52 am

So far, no one's being shit on by professionals, so it's obviously not THAT retro. Also.

CrankyLttlCamperette May 19, 2011 at 12:02 pm

There's a difference between sluts and whores.

bagofmice May 19, 2011 at 12:51 pm

Yeah, you'd have to go to K street to find 'em.

Guppy06 May 19, 2011 at 12:02 pm

Does Cox have the common decency to get Cutler drunk first?

Gopherit May 19, 2011 at 12:23 pm
sezme May 19, 2011 at 12:03 pm

And thus is fulfilled the annual buttsex article as stipulated in the terms of understanding between Ana Marie Cox and Gawker, subsequently transferred to Ken Layne. Huzzah, huzzah!

riverside68 May 19, 2011 at 12:07 pm

I miss the AMC regime. Nothing wrong with titilating the straight boys with talk of sex, boobs, and ass-fucking.
Re: Washingtonienne: Why so judgemental on a girl just getting by in DC and writing it all down, in a most entertaining style? (Which, BTW, made Wonkette what it is: a blog that is read.)

needs less fabric, mor sweater puppies on a horse.

BTWBFDIMHO May 19, 2011 at 12:09 pm

The Capitol necklace was sold at Tiffany's for $500k.

AJW@[redacted] May 19, 2011 at 1:50 pm

Is it on Newty-toot's revolving charge?

Gopherit May 19, 2011 at 12:14 pm

It makes me a little sad and nostalgic to see wonkette forget it's roots. We've forgotten Ana Marie? The first emergence of the Paultards? Dracula Cunt? Katherine "Tits McGee" Harris? I feel so old.

undeterredbyreality May 19, 2011 at 12:20 pm

I, for one, will never forget Ana Marie. She lives on in my fantasies daily.

Gopherit May 19, 2011 at 12:23 pm

Truth.

DashboardBuddha May 19, 2011 at 12:52 pm

word

genxr May 19, 2011 at 3:55 pm

How about, "I'd hit that new Alaska governor!"

Gopherit May 19, 2011 at 5:06 pm

Then she started talking.

user-of-owls May 19, 2011 at 12:17 pm

That photo made me hungry for some reason. I think I will pop off to the deli for a nice Rubens sandwich.

WriteyWriterton May 19, 2011 at 4:24 pm

A nice Rubenesque sandwich.

undeterredbyreality May 19, 2011 at 12:18 pm

Liveblog Obama Speech: Hahahaha! Obama said Hillary Clinton will "go down"–Who writes this stuff?

undeterredbyreality May 19, 2011 at 12:22 pm

Downfister hates retro day.

El Pinche May 19, 2011 at 1:10 pm

It doesn't compare to Victoria-Jackson-shows-her-heavy-hangers-day; some of them even get semi-hard (damn you diabettus!!) .

PostApocalypse May 19, 2011 at 12:22 pm

Contrition is the least sexy thing. Also, I like drunks.

GeoffPeterson May 19, 2011 at 12:26 pm

Marriage material!

prommie May 19, 2011 at 12:28 pm

Nowhere do any of the links mention whether she still likes to earn money on the side the way she used to. Is she still available to love me long time in exchange for some "roses?" What name does she use on Craigslist?

finallyhappy May 19, 2011 at 5:14 pm

wasn't it actually $450 for "lunch"?

Fuck Toad May 19, 2011 at 12:33 pm

Don't forget Late Night Shots, Jack!

SorosBot May 19, 2011 at 12:46 pm

Will we have a new Condi Watch too?

horsedreamer_1 May 19, 2011 at 1:15 pm

More Pregnancy Scares!

DashboardBuddha May 19, 2011 at 12:35 pm

Ana Marie Cox…sigh

bagofmice May 19, 2011 at 12:54 pm

If she's over 6' tall, that's definitely an Amazon review.

axmxz May 19, 2011 at 12:59 pm

That 'unknown binding' better be laminated…

horsedreamer_1 May 19, 2011 at 1:07 pm

Kinda nice in a pink sack sock gonna give my hubby anal way.

Fixed.

El Pinche May 19, 2011 at 1:08 pm

I wonder what her LinkedIn page looks like, "Jessica Cutler – Former Political Vagina"

AJW@[redacted] May 19, 2011 at 1:51 pm

The stupidity, not so much.

genxr May 19, 2011 at 3:54 pm

After reading all that, I need some antibiotics.

mrblifil May 19, 2011 at 4:03 pm

Girls, girls, girls…"poop out a baby" is just an expression, so if you're trying to start a family via buttsechs, u r doin it rong.

finallyhappy May 19, 2011 at 5:16 pm

Didn't someone say that lizards do it that way or nearby?

flamingpdog May 19, 2011 at 10:48 pm

In lizards, one chute handles all. It's what separates Man from the lizards.

WriteyWriterton May 19, 2011 at 4:16 pm

"DC Slut Walk" = New name for Gucci Gulch.

BTWBFDIMHO May 19, 2011 at 12:59 pm

That's when she met her husband!

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