the d.c. gossip

Washingtonienne Update!

AN IMAGE? We just broke your America Online 3.0!Considering this is Retro Day, and Wikipedia says some word vomit called a “Washingtonienne” is what Wonkette is “known for,” we should probably let you know what is going on in the life of this sex-haver! Google says she had what appears to be a teevee pilot in 2009, featuring such fun characters as “Politician,” “Bike Messenger,” and “Ben’s Chili Bowl Patron” (“the show’s black character”). Seems like maybe they accidentally gave Jessica Cutler money back when she was sort of a thing and were forced to make this show?

There is “one left in stock” of her book on Amazon. It’s also available “used” (like the author!) in either hardback or paperback for $0.01. It is available in “unknown binding” for $3.65. There are a few “recent reviews” (from 2008). On the cover is some human flesh, a bit of metal, and some fabric.

On this new Facebook invention, a whole 44 people “like” her.

She quickly got married in 2008 to some dope lawyer, it would appear, and managed to get a tiny bit of attention out of it. She was “not pregnant,” she declared, as if she had tried (in vain) to spread a rumor that she was but absolutely nobody cared.

That’s the most recent stuff a cursory search turns up, so this person may very well be dead, or living with Ana Marie Cox in a condo in whatever the 2004 version of Anacostia is (Georgetown?), assfucking.

Washingtonienne [IMDB]
Washingtonienne [Amazon]
Jessica Cutler [Facebook]
The D.C. Sex Blogger on How She Went From Slut to Housewife [Daily Beast]

About the author

Jack Stuef is your loyal editor and a freelance satirist or something like that. He is a contributing writer for The Onion. E-mail him or whatever.

View all articles by Jack Stuef
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Hola wonkerados.

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    1. genxr

      I'd rather watch "Ow! My Balls! The Movie" Frankly I'd rather star in that movie than read this book.

  1. MadBrahms

    "Living with Ana Marie Cox, assfucking"

    This is the last time we let you watch "Requiem for a Dream" before bed, Jack.

  2. memzilla

    Here's "retro" for you: decades ago, after the Saturday Night Massacre when Nixon fired Ruckelshaus, Richardson, and Cox, my employer took great offense at the bumper sticker on my car: "Impeach The Cox Shucker."

    1. genxr

      These events became notorious thanks to the greatest political expose in history, "Wheres The Birf Certificat?"

  3. Texan_Bulldog

    I just read that Daily Beast article. Jessica seems like the kind of gal I'd rather stab myself in the neck with a pen than get stuck in an elevator with her. Good lord!

    1. Boojum_Reborn

      You would be wrong. I know Jessica; she's actually a very nice person whose accidentally public blog launched this website's popularity. She just happens to have lady parts and enjoy the use of them.

      You may thank her at your leisure.

  4. GuanoFaucet

    Jack, if you're going to delve into the annals of anal, you need to use the "ass fucking" tag.

    1. Lascauxcaveman

      Newt, this is number four. She will get you back in the driver's seat.

      And you'll get her in the back seat. Back door, too, probably, also.

  5. CapeClod

    Oh, and Jack, please make sure you cover the "DC Slut Walk' because that looks absolutely appalling.

  6. Terry

    What ever happened to the chief of staff guy who was the -er as opposed to the -ee in this whole thing.

  7. Badonkadonkette

    That’s the most recent stuff a cursory search turns up, so this person may very well be dead, or living with Ana Marie Cox in a condo in whatever the 2004 version of Anacostia is (Georgetown?), assfucking.

    Maybe Ana Marie Cox will blog about it on her new site, Peggette.

        1. prommie

          Have you ever noticed that Sarah Palin looks just like Peggy Hill? Down to the giant feet.

  8. DaSandman

    I'd have ridden her in her time. Like Secretariat. But I understand she had a lot of jockeys…

    A la Bristol. But Jessie probably didn't do as much meth as the Wonder from Wasilla.

    Fucking slacker.

  9. GuyClinch

    Why just last week I saw Nina Totenberg walking unsteadily on heels through the Sangamore Rd Safeway parking lot. Hollywood's got nothin' on us!

      1. Lascauxcaveman

        I always pictured her as maybe like Helen Thomas, minus 30 years.

        (google image)

        Hey, I was pretty close.

  10. Radiotherapy

    And nothing about us commenters! What are we, chopped liver?
    Oh yeah, I guess we are.

  11. elviouslyqueer

    Hmmm, considering the HUGE gayface on Cutler's hubby, I'd wager he married her so he could get his own fair share of man-action.

  12. mrbubb

    You probably mean "two bit", meaning 25 cents. Though, since we're taking about hoes, maybe you do mean "too-bit", meaning too much teeth on the vagina. It's a mystery!

  13. PsycWench

    I believe that since the Daily Beast article that she has given birth at least once. The mother/daughter sex talks should be interesting. "Any man who fucks you in the ass without getting you drunk does not love you" is a tidbit she could resurrect.

      1. PsycWench

        You know how there is the part of the family dinner where all the old people talk about other old people who died? It's like that. It's not a conversation you can keep up long, though.

        1. horsedreamer_1

          I found out about Wonkette from Eric Alterman's MSNBC blog linking to the Jessica Cutler posts.

          Now, Ana Marie's somewhere, Eric's at David Brock's Continued Hucksterism &/or Repentence Tour, & Jessica did the first worthwhile thing in her life: realizing she's washed up & needs to get what she can. (Though, she always did seem to be about that.)

          The more things change…

          1. PsycWench

            After JC was fired she reported went to a bar, confessed to the bartender that she was fired for writing a sexually explicit blog and the bartender asked "What's a blog?" That part has probably changed.

    1. elviouslyqueer

      I understood the whole "Boobs" thing, but only in a "Girl please, you need to cover that shit up with a muu-muu" kind of way.

    2. prommie

      Well you see, when a man and a woman love each other very much, sometimes they will sneak away from their spouses and meet secretly and get drunk, so that they won't feel as awkward when they then stumble out of the bar and go check into a cheap motel and get naked and do the ass-fucking together to show their love and mutual respect and devotion to each other.

      1. Lascauxcaveman

        Too bad comments are disabled on ye olde ancient postes, I was hoping to go back and become the first commenter in the history of teh Wonkettes. (Until the next re-design, anyway)

        1. horsedreamer_1

          & possibly, a Scientologist. Caught this on her Wiki entry:

          "In 2009 on an Amtrak train from New York to Washington Cox had a severe allergic reaction after eating a lentil salad. Fox News host Greta Van Susteren saw her choking and came to her aid with Benadryl, after which Cox recovered. Cox later personally thanked Greta for saving her life".

          Pretty sure saving another's life makes that person an easy mark for Dianetics.

    3. finallyhappy

      When the Post magazine did a big article on her, I wrote to the Post about how they glamorized being a whore. Actually it was a 4 paragraph letter and the Post published a heavily edited one paragraph. It is the only time the Post published my letter(mostly I tell various Post staff/editors that they are whores- non sexually, of course)

  14. PeaceWithHonor

    Jack, since we're going retro, can we get lobbyist gossip, cartoon violence and perhaps a wide stance or two? Can we relive the wonders of Cocktober and Blovember (Cosplay May)? Can't we all just hook up?

    1. CrankyLttlCamperette

      Ooh! Is Amy coming back to spam us with the Millennium Development Goals?

  15. SayItWithWookies

    So someone in DC known for inane and mostly harmless antics has come back from obscurity. Obviously she's running for the GOP nomination.

  16. BZ1

    "Jessica Cutler, the former Hill aide behind the explosive “Washingtonienne” sex blog, explains why she gave up the louche life to settle down and get married." Isn't that spelled "douche"?

  17. satyricrash

    So far, no one's being shit on by professionals, so it's obviously not THAT retro. Also.

  18. sezme

    And thus is fulfilled the annual buttsex article as stipulated in the terms of understanding between Ana Marie Cox and Gawker, subsequently transferred to Ken Layne. Huzzah, huzzah!

  19. riverside68

    I miss the AMC regime. Nothing wrong with titilating the straight boys with talk of sex, boobs, and ass-fucking.
    Re: Washingtonienne: Why so judgemental on a girl just getting by in DC and writing it all down, in a most entertaining style? (Which, BTW, made Wonkette what it is: a blog that is read.)

    needs less fabric, mor sweater puppies on a horse.

  20. Gopherit

    It makes me a little sad and nostalgic to see wonkette forget it's roots. We've forgotten Ana Marie? The first emergence of the Paultards? Dracula Cunt? Katherine "Tits McGee" Harris? I feel so old.

    1. undeterredbyreality

      I, for one, will never forget Ana Marie. She lives on in my fantasies daily.

  21. user-of-owls

    That photo made me hungry for some reason. I think I will pop off to the deli for a nice Rubens sandwich.

  22. undeterredbyreality

    Liveblog Obama Speech: Hahahaha! Obama said Hillary Clinton will "go down"–Who writes this stuff?

    1. El Pinche

      It doesn't compare to Victoria-Jackson-shows-her-heavy-hangers-day; some of them even get semi-hard (damn you diabettus!!) .

  23. prommie

    Nowhere do any of the links mention whether she still likes to earn money on the side the way she used to. Is she still available to love me long time in exchange for some "roses?" What name does she use on Craigslist?

  24. El Pinche

    I wonder what her LinkedIn page looks like, "Jessica Cutler – Former Political Vagina"

  25. mrblifil

    Girls, girls, girls…"poop out a baby" is just an expression, so if you're trying to start a family via buttsechs, u r doin it rong.

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