at times like these he used to call knut for consolation

Already Depressed Newt Gingrich Hit With Box of Glitter

Newt Gingrich’s week has been so bad that he can’t shake one person’s hand without that nobody immediately making news. First it was the “get out!” guy; now Newt has had a box of glitter dumped on him because he dislikes gays. Yes, glitter is a more cost-effective way to be shiny than running up huge bills at a jewelry store, but if you’re going to give Newt this tip, please just say it to him, don’t pour it on him. Also: it would probably be funnier if you covered him in gold paint. What other indignities has the jowly potato noggin been through in recent hours?

Republican presidential candidate Newt Gingrich apologized in a telephone call to House Budget Committee Chairman Paul Ryan (R-Wis.) on Tuesday afternoon for his remarks on “Meet the Press,” where the presidential candidate referred to Ryan’s Medicare proposal as “radical change.”

Awkward. And not just one call. Newt also had to sit through an hour of conference calls getting chewed out by Teabagger “leaders.”

The glitter guy with the messenger bag is apparently the same guy with the messenger bag who dumped an NPR tote of pennies in front of (“on”) then Minnesota Republican gubernatorial nominee Tom Emmer. This time with Newt, at least some of the object got on the candidate, so the guy is getting better at it. The box is better than the tote bag, we guess, but maybe this guy could get one of those power house-painter things. And use it to shoot santorum at Santorum. [AP/Politico]

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Jack Stuef is your loyal editor and a freelance satirist or something like that. He is a contributing writer for The Onion. E-mail him or whatever.

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    1. Terry

      Looks like glitter got in that bleach blonde's hair, too. Is that Callista? With all the processing in her hair, the weight of the glitter might be enough to snap it all clean off.

      1. carlgt1

        And the weird idea he touts ie Repugs not interrupting gay pride parades somehow means gays (and everyone else) oppressed by right-wing idiocy shouldn't fight back. It's all form over substance.

          1. PostApocalypse

            How do y'all know when a downfist is happening? I want to know who's fisting who!

            Call me a gossip, I guess.

          2. carlgt1

            well I notice when early on (ie you just make a post) and it's +1, if you see it go to 0 you know some Breitbart idiot is around

          3. PostApocalypse

            hrmm… so if get a notification that someone is following me, and i go look at their posts and they are conclusively a rightwing fuck, can I assume they are basically just stalking me for the downfist?

            I mean, not that I care I guess, but it just seems kind of stupid.

        1. YeOldeFapSmith

          Each year, I go to a few gay prides to party, as I am very debauched, and without fail at each event there is always a gaggle of Jesus Goblins picketing and harrassing folks. That said, this glitter guy's stunt was very lame and does nothing to further the cause, and I doubt he is someone I would care to drink with.

        1. Texan_Bulldog

          Don't know who that is but if you mean in a 'sphincter clinching, hair on the back of your neck stands up' kind of way, then yeah!

  1. Barb

    I'm surprised Callista didn't roll up a Tiffany's receipt and start snorting the glitter so that she can feel all sparkly on the inside too.

      1. Barb

        Great Manchu! Now I have yet another thing to worry about! Gosh, is Miss Mookie ready for company and all festive looking? We can't keep the damned Christmas lights up all year, ya know!

        1. tessiee

          Yeah, I can't count all the times I've thought to myself, "I dunno, I've got a pretty good life here, nice family, nice friends, but it just seems… meaningless somehow. Maybe if I had rhinestones superglued to my muffin, I'd feel happier."

    1. mourningnmerica

      Barb, it may be because I just had some coffee, so my senses are in a heightened state, but right now, it feels like that is the funniest comment I have ever seen on Wonkette.

      1. Barb

        Aww, thank you very much! I have two that stick out in my mind:
        About "don't ask, don't tell" someone posted "permission to serve fabulously"
        and about the Tostito College Bowl and Jared Laughner, someone posted "chips and dip shit"
        I don't know who posted those. I wake up at times and remember them and giggle.

  2. memzilla

    Glittered, Twittered, and In The Shi**er… Newt's Loot Scoots.

    And there's your Daily Variety lede about his electability.

  3. PsycWench

    "Have we ever disturbed one of your events?"
    I don't know. Does vilifying, degrading and scapegoating count as "disturbing"?

    1. JustPixelz

      Ya gotta admire Newt's minion describing two people at a card table as an "event". Why, I'm having an event right now with only a table and a laptop!

    1. carlgt1

      that would be deemed a terrorist attack. hell, if Newt was more popular with the Repukes right now (not after he slammed Ryan's insipid "budget"), they would call this "terrorism!"

    2. Dashboard_Jesus

      wow, Two WINS on the SAME post, how DOES she do it folks?! double upfists from the Jesus! (and there's a little somethin' special waitin' for ya at the end darlin'! ;)

    1. trondant

      I had a dog once who got into a tin of homemade cookies in individual cupcake-style wrappers. When I walked her that night, there was confetti in her shit. It was still shit, but it was momentarily interesting to look at. Which is more than I can say for Newt.

  4. KeepFnThatChicken

    The irony of gay marriage advocacy is that homosexuals may one day have the ability to multiple-marry like Newt has.

    1. Terry

      Newt's relationships can barely be called marriages, given all the various vow breaking and partner switching. Perhaps it'd be better to say that his relationships are the hetero equivalent of a San Francisco bath house back in the 70's.

    2. V572..whatever

      No reason teh Gheys should miss out on all the fun, attorney fees, and maintenance checks.

    1. DustBowlBlues

      She's a fright, isn't she? Like Cindy McCain. What is it about Republithug women, over-bleached hair and dark lipstick on their thin lips. Maybe she should ask the Tiffany's people if they sell mirrors. Obviously, she needs one.

      1. tessiee

        No wonder they're all so bitchy.
        Between the starvation diets, bleaching, waxing, Botox, and plastic surgery, they must live in a haze of constant pain.

      2. Negropolis

        It's funny, though, cause Callista is even more made-up than Cindy. She's like a refined model of Cindybot.

    2. tessiee

      "The Mrs. is never going to get the glitter out of all that foundation."

      A belt sander, one of those wire brushes for stripping furniture, and some Janitor in a Drum, and she'll be good as new.

  5. PabaBritannica

    Poor Newt, soon he'll be reduced to getting heckled in front of the bookstore as he begs for "a dolla, to get a coffee or sumfin…"

  6. KeepFnThatChicken

    And I also want to say — at least once, in mixed company — that I can imagine Callista being a diva for gays. Though I'm loath to admit it because of her association with Jabba the Husband, in some regard she possesses that je ne sais quois

    1. Terry

      Calista may be one of the only GOP power wives absolutely certain her husband is straight. No, Maria Shriver is certain, too.

    2. LesBontemps

      The fact that she is 10 years younger than I am but still manages to look like she could be my mom is simply astounding.

  7. SorosBot

    Well Gingrich's campaign is looking like it'll be an even bigger bomb than the movie Glitter, and doesn't even have the advantage of Mariah Carey's tits.

  8. Texan_Bulldog

    Must have really galled Newt to have to apologize to an upstart like Ryan; Ryan was probably counting incoming pubic hairs when Speaker Newt & Callista were making sweet extra-marital love on his desk at the Capitol. Ha ha!

  9. notreelyhelping

    Damn. I thought "Sympathy for the Devil" was going to kick in at the end, as those doors appeared to close by themselves.

    The Glitter Assassin exclaiming "You're like a man!" was also tasty.

    1. V572..whatever

      Glitter Terrorist. Glitterist. Glitterito. Glitteratista. Wow, the possibilities are endless. Beats the crap out of giant papiér-mache heads, and cheaper too.

  10. proudgrampa

    Tempest in a teapot…

    Gingrich is sooo irrelevant, now. I just hope he fades into obscurity.

    1. OhNoGuy

      Irrelevant but refusing to go away. Years from now he'll be on late night & early morning TV selling edmacation DVD's. That is. once DVD's are the equivalent of Betamax tapes.

  11. DaSandman

    Shiny Mo attack!

    Then Jeebus disguised as a the security guy passes judgment.

    This is outstanding. It's not even noon on the right coast yet. Newt better find a bubble to crawl into.

    1. widestanceroman

      Prince Sparkle Phony.

      Also, that's a disturbing image for which I have upfisted you,

  12. Cheetah Repeater

    This is good news for Rick Perry (who comes precoated with Texas-sized glitter).

  13. smitallica

    Oh, and the guy lecturing him at the end? He's more in the closet than my old college band jacket.

    1. Cheetah Repeater

      He's a bizarre mix of Jello Biafra and Yogi Berra, with just a smidge of cultist.

  14. CapeClod

    Marriage is defined as being between a man and a woman, and then another woman when the first one gets cancer, and then a third woman when the second woman gets too old looking.

    1. Texan_Bulldog

      I think the 2nd wife had MS (or just been diagnosed with it). Callista better check to see if that line 'in sickness and in health' was omitted from his wedding vows…not that that would actually matter to Newt, apparently.

    2. LowProfileinGA

      Callista has been so siliconized and Botoxed she'll never look old – much like the preserved Lenin I had to look at all weekend here at my primary source for hard news.

  15. Callyson

    First pennies, now glitter…I geess Glitter Guy does not believe the business about not casting pearls before swine.

  16. GuyClinch

    I wonder if she really wakes up next to Newt. I'd think that, given her space-helmet hair, she probably has some contraption in which she sleeps vertically with a protective halo around her head.

    1. fuflans

      oh damn damn damn I was going to write that and now all I get for my efforts is candide stuck in my head.

  17. Monsieur_Grumpe

    No. Glitter does not get sharper with velocity. However the amount of kinetic energy does increase by the square of velocity (KE= 1/2 mV2) In other words, if you can get the glitter to move fast enough it could easily pass through Newt’s thick skull.

  18. littlebigdaddy

    If you're going to throw a symbol of gheyness on Newtie, may I suggest assless chaps.

    1. vacuumslayer

      This should be downfisted for putting the image of Newt in assless chaps in my head. My being a nice lady and all, I won't. But I will charge you for the brain bleach.

      1. littlebigdaddy

        I am truly sorry, but for you newbies I must remind you that this IS A WAR BLOG. Just like Navy SEAL Team 6, EXACTLY like them in fact, we must learn to become strong by opening ourselves up to the most disgusting of all possible human experiences, among the greatest of which would be seeing Newt in assless chaps. (I know, all chaps are assless–it depends on what you wear underneath!) This will only make us stronger for the struggle ahead!

  19. Cat_Damon

    Apologies for the non-snark, but despite how much of a douche Gingrich is, this guy with the glitter looks like an even bigger douche.

    1. fuflans

      I don't know he looks ok to me. I just wish he'd saved some glitter for that elevator tool.

  20. KeepFnThatChicken

    Bullshit. Condi lost her Princess Points when she threatened to walk off The Last Word.

    1. V572..whatever

      What a bitch she was that day. I never loved her more. Well, maybe when she was talking about the smoking gun becoming a mushroom cloud…

  21. baconzgood

    Unrelated to this post but I had to share this in a public forum

    HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!! FUCK THAT BITCH!!!! You thought you were better than me? Well who has a job now and who doesn't? HUH? Answer me that. I told you if you stick your dick in the water cooler you and your "friend" would get shit canned!!!!!

    (this comment is 100% snark free)


      1. baconzgood

        No this is the Ex Wife. She was all hoity-toity for years that she earned more than me now she doesn't shit. I told her about inter-office affairs but NOOOOOOO she knows better than me. Now lets see her get a job in the Non-profit sector!!!!! I fuckin' work for monies in the real world. She's gonna be so bitch slapped in this depression. I know it's schadenfreude but it's nice to see that bitch eat s shit sandwitch.

        P.S. UP FIST FOR YOU

  22. WhatTheHeck

    When the Family Values crowd finally realize Newt is not one of them, they may start throwing the Book at him. Literally.

  23. sportshort

    Saw this on HP and loved this: "As he brushed glitter off the table Gingrich smiled and said,'Nice to live in a free country.' Ha! More like: As he smiled for the cameras, he inwardly seethed, thinking, "Fucking free country. When I get elected, people like you will be the first course in a rat restaurant, you fraggotty futhermucker."

  24. bordo2

    I kinda wish those had been sharp nails and not glitter, but then I am a cruel shithead.

  25. Wilcoxyz

    One day, probably Saturday, they're gonna look back and realize this was the best event he had all week.

    1. OhNoGuy

      Newt's a Catholic so that was a Swiss Guard in plain clothes. "Is that a halberd in your pocket or are you just glad to see me".

  26. owhatever

    He was just happy it was the Gehz with glitter, and not the Teabaggers, who like guns.

  27. GhostBuggy

    Well, I for one am hoping for "Glitter Man 2012." His policy of dumping glitter on hateful monsters is one I can get behind.

    If you know what I mean.

  28. Chet Kincaid

    Haha and everything, but I don't think assault, even in it's mildest, most glittery form, helps anyone's cause. Okay, I'm reporting to the pillory, have at it…

    1. proudgrampa

      Hey, Chet. I agree with you. Much as I think Newt's a douche, this kind of attack is troubling…

    2. OhNoGuy

      Guy throws glitter in the air, gets on Newt and his table (PRIVATE PROPERTY!!!!) and that's assault? Maybe that get's you arrested in wussyville but not where I come from. Where I come from the people I like get shot to death by retards. Want a list?

  29. Extemporanus

    When Newt whispered to the concierge that he wanted to get dumped on by Glitter, I don't think this is what he had in mind.

  30. El Pinche

    Obama is cold shooting blood thirsty international terrorists' faces off with their own AK-47s, meanwhile Newt is getting glittered (and just sitting there like a lump of shit , not even protecting his wife) . Makes for a great campaign ad.

  31. Buckminster

    Well, I guess it was just too much trouble to smuggle dog poop in the manpurse.

  32. lochnessmonster

    Do those naked porno body scanners detect glitter? If so, Newt should get a portable one to bring with him at these signings. Can't shake his hand until you get your privates looked at.

  33. OhNoGuy

    His Al Jolson impression would follow. Please don't make me watch. But he might win the SC primary if it was broadcast enough.

  34. Negropolis

    You know of an even more cost-effective way to be shiny? Bacon-drippings. Plus, you end up smelly like delicious bacon. I call it Eau de Porcine.

  35. Negropolis

    BTW, I can't get over how Gingrich cynically switched to being a Catholic, cause he thought it'd get him more votes/donors connections.

  36. Dr_pangloss

    The buttcancer that pushes the activist out and into the elevator just said one of the most hillarious things in history. Has he even seen a Pride event, many are attended by the closeted members of his caucus and even more by the openly bigotted shouting christian fascists. Funny.

  37. NadePaulKuciGravMcKi

    Neocon Newt Gingrich is shocked
    84% Reject The Official 9-11 Story

    [he is still shocked]

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