WEB TERRORISM  1:04 am May 18, 2011

Washington Post Hacked By … Washington Post?

by Ken Layne

No Richard Cohen column? THIS MEANS WAR.Wonkette operative “Dan G.” was checking washingtonpost.com just before midnight, like a sex weirdo, when he saw this mysterious message, possibly from a “computer hacker” or the aliens on their way to Earth to vaporize everyone but Newt Gingrich, which is an example of extreme space-alien humor. So we took a look at the Washington Post‘s prize-winning local news portal and saw … just the Washington Post, possibly with a mild redesign. THIS IS HOW CRAFTY THE TERRORISTS ARE, with their tastefully dull web makeovers. They are probably offering some kind of loss-leader eight-for-one deal on sandwiches, too. WHY DOES IT HATE US?

But then we had another thought. This one — like all thoughts about the awfulness of the Washington Post — was about Richard Cohen. Didn’t Richard Cohen have some involvement in another recent “WaPo” web debacle? Yes, yes he did. At least according to our unreliable version of events:


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Hatrabbit May 18, 2011 at 1:11 am

Just a small blip in the Matrix. Let's all go back to sleep and let the Koch brothers suck our insides out through the giant robotic drinking-straws hooked up to our belly-buttons.

Negropolis May 18, 2011 at 3:01 am

Blood funnels FTW.

justkillmenow May 18, 2011 at 9:17 am

If that's like liposuction, I'm all for it.

uɐɯǝʌɐɔxnɐɔsɐl May 18, 2011 at 1:12 am

As long as it has Richard Cohen, I'm OK with it.

But it'd be even better if it vaporized everyone including Newt Grinchgrinch.

ShaveTheWhales May 18, 2011 at 3:55 am

Actually, I'd regard it as a net gain if it just vaporized Richard Cohen.

MARCdMan May 18, 2011 at 7:40 am

What about if they vaporized nobody BUT Newt Gingrich?

One_who_wanders May 18, 2011 at 8:11 am

Optimal outcome. But it would produce lots of greasy smoke.

PsycWench May 18, 2011 at 8:43 am

Yeah, well, Newt does that now so no net loss.

Terry May 18, 2011 at 9:31 am

Newt might be difficult. It's not easy to vaporize a huge sack of rancid grease.

El Pinche May 18, 2011 at 1:16 am

At least the hacker doesn't use embarrassing debug statements like I do, e.g. "This is a testicle… B====>"

Fukui_sanYesOta May 18, 2011 at 1:35 am

Heh, I once got a formal reprimand for describing, in a meeting, an upgrade to the software running "slicker than a greased Glitter* through a kindergarten"

* A famous British pedophile

fuflans May 18, 2011 at 1:40 am

i wish i had more 'p' authority for both of you.

ShaveTheWhales May 18, 2011 at 5:54 am

Yes, we know of Gary.

El Pinche May 18, 2011 at 2:57 pm

Hahaha…good lord. Well the analogy makes sense but I can see why some would frown on that.

Ken Layne May 18, 2011 at 11:09 am

Mine was always "Testes, testes, one two …"

fartknocker May 18, 2011 at 1:25 am

Ben Stein just figured out another way to fuck Hispanics and Blacks. Richard Cohen's website offered a secret 5-digit decoder number and it connects to Billy Mays Hays. It’s the Oxiclean quotient.

horsedreamer_1 May 18, 2011 at 8:24 am

The actual [Willie] Mays Hayes is a patriotic income tax abstainer.

Oh, wait, I just received this over the transom: he's black.

Well, then, federal pound-ye-in-the-ass prison for him.

Fukui_sanYesOta May 18, 2011 at 1:33 am

Damn, a little "under construction" guy! I've not seen that since about 1998.

DaRooster May 18, 2011 at 8:48 am

Last time Richard Cohen had something relevant?

SorosBot May 18, 2011 at 1:41 am

Considering that this is the Washington Post, which split their opinion columns into right-leaning and left-leaning and somehow put far-right neocon Richard Cohen into left-leaning, getting things completely wrong should not be a surprise.

Terry May 18, 2011 at 9:33 am

They split the columns like that so they could count them and PROVE they are not biased. See, we have equal numbers of both!

fuflans May 18, 2011 at 1:44 am

i was so happy to see an article not about newt gingrich but then there was more newt gingrich.

DerrickWildcat May 18, 2011 at 2:00 am

That guy is weird lookin'

ShaveTheWhales May 18, 2011 at 3:58 am

This is why I do my head at 1/2 inch and don't wear glasses.

PocketsTheClown May 18, 2011 at 2:01 am

Wow, Max Headroom went grey. I thought he died/retired.

nounverb911 May 18, 2011 at 2:09 am

He's buried next to Ronnie at the Reagan Library.

riverside68 May 18, 2011 at 9:07 am

I thought he was Ronnie.

Long form BC or GTFO of my mausoleum.

Worthly[♬♪♬♪♫♪♬]Skum May 18, 2011 at 2:01 am

I think this means Malfoy has repaired the broken vanishing cabinet. Hopefully, Mr. Cohen will be the first to give it a try.

One_who_wanders May 18, 2011 at 8:17 am

I have vanishing cream but it doesn't really work.

bumfug May 18, 2011 at 2:02 am

From Shaggy in one post to Richard Cohen in the next. I'm just trying to figure out which of them is the least relevant.

ShaveTheWhales May 18, 2011 at 4:01 am

Mmm, here's a derivation:

If S has relevance R(S), and Richard Cohen has relevance R(RC), then

R(RC) < R(S) for any S, forever and ever, amen.

Worthly[♬♪♬♪♫♪♬]Skum May 18, 2011 at 2:04 am

I trust WaPo a bit more since they added that "I'm shoveling it" icon to Richard Cohen's page.

chascates May 18, 2011 at 2:16 am

Ken, who is 'B' and will he really save us all from our modern contraptions?

jodyleek May 18, 2011 at 8:44 am

Is Ken actually 'Ned'? Is he in Yarrow creating the first settlement as we speak? I want in on it – my retirement fund is nonexistent so I will need some of that sweet, sweet commune living eventually. But, how can we read the Wonkette if we have to give up our screens?

Ken Layne May 18, 2011 at 11:11 am

Well, look who already turned in their book reports. Thank you both for reading it!

(The answers are in the text.)

stefanjbecket May 18, 2011 at 2:17 am

My dog just put his nose in my pocket and fell asleep. Unrelated.

ShaveTheWhales May 18, 2011 at 4:01 am

but kind of sweet.

gef05 May 18, 2011 at 7:20 am

But good for some "awwwwwww."

TsunamiAli May 18, 2011 at 8:10 am

Upfisted for utter adorableness.

Nothingisamiss May 18, 2011 at 9:33 am

I'm so tired (from the death ray suck out) that his made me gee-haw out loud. So awwwwwwwww.

When my dogs put their nose in my crotch later I will not write about it, but I will think of you.

Wait, no…….

pinkocommi May 18, 2011 at 2:40 am

I am sure it was just a publicity stunt to get us to look at their website. God knows there's no other reason to ever go to http://www.washingtonpost.com.

riverside68 May 18, 2011 at 9:09 am

Richard is that you?

YeOldeFapSmith May 18, 2011 at 2:50 am

Good ol' Dickie Cohen, he's Wapo's beardier version of Bill Kristol. If you're at the roulette wheel and Dickie Cohen bets on black, be sure to bet on red.

SarahsBush May 18, 2011 at 2:56 am

The Washington Post can only be fully appreciated by those who use Windows 95.

SarahsBush May 18, 2011 at 3:00 am

It used to be hosted on Geocities, you know.

Negropolis May 18, 2011 at 2:58 am

This is basically what Juliet Burke said on Lost as she was dying and quite literally between the realities and existences of life and death, so what I guess this means is that May 21st isn't a joke. We're all already dead.

iburl May 18, 2011 at 3:00 am

WaPo is boldly leaping into the future. They plan on undercutting Twitter and switching to a text-only 10 character limit. Think of the savings in the newsroom!

Negropolis May 18, 2011 at 3:26 am

At least we know it wasn't Sarah Palin, who's calling card is "T".

horsedreamer_1 May 18, 2011 at 2:13 pm

iT works.

SudsMcKenzie May 18, 2011 at 4:09 am

How long until Richard Cohen admits he fathered Wolf Blitzer?

Negropolis May 18, 2011 at 6:29 am

Better yet, how long 'till one of them fesses up to being the evil twin or lesser/defective clone?

littlebigdaddy May 18, 2011 at 4:38 am

What, we're supposed to believe that Richard Cohen's personalized start page has no links to hawt ladyboys?!

gurukalehuru May 18, 2011 at 4:46 am

Where the hin?

BarackMyWorld May 18, 2011 at 4:53 am

Internet Explorer 2.07? Seriously?

Biel_ze_Bubba May 18, 2011 at 8:39 am

No. Not.

Ken Layne May 18, 2011 at 11:14 am

Just a nostalgic nerd joke I made, a few months ago. http://wonkette.com/437921/washington-post-launch

Sparky_McGruff May 18, 2011 at 6:51 am

Well, the Washington Post's redesign makes the site take forever to load. I'm enjoying watching it load one widget and metric file after another. If they're trying to re-create the 1998 dial-up experience, they're doing just great!

baconzgood May 18, 2011 at 7:59 am


horsedreamer_1 May 18, 2011 at 8:26 am

MILVES, please.

Get it right!

weejee May 18, 2011 at 8:39 am

They tweaked Cohen's column dates under the working dude icon:
SB 1894-2011.

PsycWench May 18, 2011 at 8:48 am

WaPo was struck by insight after reading this Onion column.

BZ1 May 18, 2011 at 9:15 am

was there any news in this non-news story???

KeepFnThatChicken May 18, 2011 at 9:21 am

Can't be. Internet Explorer 2 didn't work that well.

seppdecker May 18, 2011 at 9:24 am

Cohen's got his beard and a trove. All that's left is the Jack Sparrow make-up.

Terry May 18, 2011 at 9:30 am

WashingTrove sounds like a pile of dirty laundry or perhaps a cache of detergent.

FraAnima May 18, 2011 at 9:45 am

Cohen's trove is kickin' it with the youngs with hip links to "Laugh Lines (Reader's Digest)" and "Turner Classic Movies for tonight"!

SorosBot May 18, 2011 at 9:45 am

It is a money-losing subsidiary of the Kaplan test-prep and scam for-profit "college" company that somehow gives the con artist corporation prestige.

Mort_Sinclair May 18, 2011 at 9:50 am

I'm hopeful getting hacked will compel Richard Cohen to lose those groovy glasses.

And whoever the troll is who is down-rating people should get a fucking life.

freakishlywrong May 18, 2011 at 9:54 am

Fisting IS their fucking life.

glamourdammerung May 18, 2011 at 9:54 am

The troll down-voted comments about how rape was inappropriate in the last couple of days.

That says volumes about Breitards.

EDIT: I clearly hurt its widdle feelings.

SorosBot May 18, 2011 at 10:04 am

It may also cut down on his sexual harassment time; win all around.

glamourdammerung May 18, 2011 at 10:18 am

It will now go onto Big Failure and whine about how we are all communists because Layne runs his private property as he wishes to while being too stupid and/or dishonest to admit the contradiction.

SorosBot May 18, 2011 at 10:48 am

I meant that about Cohen, but yeah it probably applies to Spanky2b too.

glamourdammerung May 18, 2011 at 10:56 am

I would suggest they were the same person, but that would imply a Breitard managed to find a somewhat legitimate job.

Ken Cuccinelli May 18, 2011 at 9:55 am

That is the message seen on some Apache web servers when there is no content to be served, i.e. it is a fresh install.

Of course, it's not like there's any content there now.

Texan_Bulldog May 18, 2011 at 9:56 am

OT but I miss Riley's morning updates that occurred ummmm…in the morning. You guys need to get a new intern stat!

TsunamiAli May 18, 2011 at 10:02 am

Agh! I can't stand it! Where's Morning in America???! I want Riley!!! It's Lunchtime in USA America!

hagajim May 18, 2011 at 10:32 am

Richard Cohen – human Q-tip.

James Michael Curley May 18, 2011 at 12:08 pm

Its a classic march by John Phillips Sousa and his wife Michelle.

Gleem_McShineys May 18, 2011 at 12:49 pm

It isn't "Google News," but it just might be "The Buttsecks Prodigy."

Beck_is_Trig May 18, 2011 at 2:22 pm

Oy…that man is a walking dildo. I love how he pretends that government workers take exhorbinant pensions while not bitching one bit about the pensions lazy ass congressman, Senators and governors like douche walker walk away with (they work 10 days a month, DICKY!). Not to mention the corruption of the revolving doors…yes, workers are too demanding Cohen; let's swallow the right wing koolaid and then defend giant tax cuts to people (the job creators!) who do little more than sit around the pool because they made their money the old fashioned way…inheritance (John Raese is the gift that keeps on giving). Very few people seem to notice that during this era of austerity, corporate bonuses have ASPLODED. Big oil, reminiscent of Old Dirty Bastard's welfare fraud in the 1990's pretend they NEED multi-billion dollar subsidies while rolling up the welfare office in the proverbial limosine…god I fucking hate these wingnut assholes. Oh, and I know this is old stuff but I read dickheads column and needed to blow off steam.

Beck_is_Trig May 18, 2011 at 2:27 pm

One more thought, than I'll get back on topic, I promise. But I remember when the "scandal" of Ole Dirty Bastard's flagrant welfare fraud was grist for the "reformers" showing how those terrible minorities manipulate the good white system!! Now we have oil companies who've literally banked over a trillion in profits coming and practically threatening us to keep the corporate welfare pittance (for them, they make that much money) going…am I right to see the connection between ODB's famous welfare fraud replete with limo ride to the welfare office and big oil's claim of poverty while flying in corporate jets and then while testifying, drinking of out platinum cups? If so, then why does big oil get away with it and poor people get punished? Besides the obvious…you know, them owning most of congress (god you suck Mary Landrieu)

riverside68 May 18, 2011 at 2:43 pm

Okay now I am really confused.
Don't the new testiment and the koran refer to JC as passing around 2 thousand years ago?

So if he created DC in 1497, was that part of his second coming? Did everyone here miss it? Did he sneak out the chosen few and everyone who is still here is a left-behind? That would explain some things.

Was the appearence with Joseph Smith a third coming? How many times is JC going to come? Does Bachmann Paul have an answer to that?

SheriffRoscoe May 18, 2011 at 8:26 pm

Dear Ken,

What do you know about the space aliens that you're not telling us?

Your friend, etcetera, etcetera

TheMeatmaker May 18, 2011 at 8:40 pm

I always check washpost.com at 11:59. That's when Cohen's one-hour pantsless cam session goes live.

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