THE FABRIC MENACE  12:16 pm May 17, 2011

Feds End Their ‘Watch On Muslin Men,’ Newspaper Reports

by Jack Stuef

But! They're guilty! Fabric can never be that soft!
Wonkette operative “Paul G.” sends in this rewritten AP article printed in the St. Petersburg Times. Look, the death of bin Laden actually resulted in a slight restoration of civil liberties! But we’re still going to call them “Muslin.” Speaking of which, are our friends on Facebook still concerned about “the Muslin’s”?

Whatever would give the media and powers-that-be that idea?

Such a way with words.

This coming from a man who's job's listed as 'government intelligence work (retired)'

Yes, they are.

 
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{ 149 comments }

Serolf_Divad May 17, 2011 at 12:19 pm

The FBI will now set its sights on corduroy men.

Gopherit May 17, 2011 at 12:28 pm

Can I volunteer to NOT watch spandex americans?

Mahousu May 17, 2011 at 12:38 pm

The corduroy men have a much lower threat potential. You can always hear them coming.

Bonzos_Bed_Time May 17, 2011 at 12:46 pm

All the hipsters with their fancy tweed vests!

PabaBritannica May 17, 2011 at 1:21 pm

WHERE'S THE GARMENT TAG, OBAMAR? YOUR SHIRT IS SECRET MUSLIN.

KathrynSane May 17, 2011 at 1:29 pm

Did you hear about the corduroy pillows? They're making headlines!

I'm sorry.

ShaveTheWhales May 18, 2011 at 2:07 am

Not sorry enough.

memzilla May 17, 2011 at 12:21 pm

"The U.S. government has ended a controversial counterterrorism program…"

Offer still not valid after curfew in Sectors R and N.

David_in_NYC May 17, 2011 at 2:04 pm

They never come up into the hills.

Barb May 17, 2011 at 12:21 pm

Ah, this explains how K.J. Choi was able to win The Players tournament this weekend. We should have kept him under surveillance.

ManchuCandidate May 17, 2011 at 12:21 pm

Never liked fatties in sweatpants.

MarcelleMarceau May 17, 2011 at 12:23 pm

Worsted wearers are highly suspect.

uɐɯǝʌɐɔxnɐɔsɐl May 17, 2011 at 12:24 pm

They're the worst!

baconzgood May 17, 2011 at 12:28 pm

At least we were able to conquer spandex in the 80's.

LesBontemps May 17, 2011 at 12:33 pm

So long, seersuckers!

GregComlish May 17, 2011 at 12:36 pm

we didn't conquer spandex, the fast-food industry did.

Anyway, spandex was hot back in the 80s when chicks did aerobics in their Jane Fonda leotards. Miami Sound Machine. leg warmers. hell yeah.

DustBowlBlues May 17, 2011 at 12:44 pm

Are you now spelllng your name backwards so we won't recognize you as the first to drop a pun? Sorry, caveman, it didn't work.

uɐɯǝʌɐɔxnɐɔsɐl May 17, 2011 at 12:59 pm

Naw, a couple treads ago me and boys was just messin' with html tags and such. I'll change it back, Mom. :(

DashboardBuddha May 17, 2011 at 12:22 pm

The Hobbs comment is the best. I bet he doesn't even know about Stalin's "No man, no problem". And Stalin was the leader of why kind of political ideology?

Slim_Pickins May 17, 2011 at 12:22 pm

I'd make a comment, but it would be too cynical.

seppdecker May 17, 2011 at 12:22 pm

And the search for American literacy continues

CliveWarren May 17, 2011 at 12:23 pm

Mo muslins, Mo hummus.

Fox n Fiends May 17, 2011 at 12:23 pm

I saw a bumper sticker the other day that read "Working People Vote Republican". Ain't that America?

ManchuCandidate May 17, 2011 at 12:25 pm

Corrected version should say "Dipshit Ignorant braindead Working People Vote Republican."

uɐɯǝʌɐɔxnɐɔsɐl May 17, 2011 at 12:28 pm

Morans.

Fox n Fiends May 17, 2011 at 12:28 pm

"Feudalism is Freedom!"

freakishlywrong May 17, 2011 at 12:38 pm

I work. And I despise Republicans.

user-of-owls May 17, 2011 at 12:57 pm

"No really, just go ahead and jump, it'll be ok, honest. I'll be waiting down here at the bottom of the bridge to catch you! Trust me."

PsycWench May 17, 2011 at 1:06 pm

I saw a sticker before the 2008 election that read "Voldemort votes Republican". I like that one better.

cuzcorrelation May 17, 2011 at 1:07 pm

Given that millionaires and billionaires are some of the only ones with jobs in this country, it makes perfect sense.

WhatTheHolyHeck May 17, 2011 at 1:34 pm

Look what those godless lazy commie welfare queens have reduced them to: they have to work for their millions now!

[/ohthehumanity]

BerkeleyBear May 17, 2011 at 2:18 pm

Litttle Pink Houses, baby. And no appreciation for sarcasm.

Arken May 17, 2011 at 12:24 pm

When will the menace of cheesecloth end?!

OneDollarJuana May 17, 2011 at 12:40 pm

Muslins wrap their heads in rags. Wisconsinites wrap their cheeses in muslin. Thus, cheeseheads = ragheads.

horsedreamer_1 May 17, 2011 at 12:59 pm

This gives Scooter an idea: he's going to use Homeland Security to bust the unions. HSA, then RICO laws, when they come to trial.

Today, we are all Ramzi Yousef.

Sue4466 May 17, 2011 at 12:25 pm

Yes, by all means, "u tell them Joe!!!!" Who you're actually telling or what the fuck you're actually telling them is a complete mystery to anyone not residing in your skull, but do carry on.

Buckminster May 17, 2011 at 12:26 pm

Spandex at WalMart. Gag.

DashboardBuddha May 17, 2011 at 12:26 pm

Joan? My guess is that the Muslins (sic) that shout when they head to the toilet are middle aged and older. I know that when my plumbing is working as designed, I too give thanks to god.

V572..whatever May 17, 2011 at 12:40 pm

Your internal plumbing? It is a great day when things are working correctly there. Wish it were as reliable as the porcelain-and-cast-iron system it drains into.

memzilla May 17, 2011 at 12:31 pm

Bumper stickers seen at a nursing home over the weekend: "McCain/Palin 2008," "NASCAR," and "No Government Health Care." The only things missing were TruckNutz, the Confederate flag, and a Hoveround® ramp.

ManchuCandidate May 17, 2011 at 12:35 pm

Makes me almost want to tell olds that "Soylent Green" was a documentary.

horsedreamer_1 May 17, 2011 at 12:57 pm

How much does that nursing-home make off Medicaid & Medicare?

GOPCrusher May 17, 2011 at 3:16 pm

All of it, Katie.

LesBontemps May 17, 2011 at 12:31 pm

Watch on Muslin men is dropped.

Sounds like Yoda lost a timepiece in a minaret.

unclejeems May 17, 2011 at 12:39 pm

Much the same thought I.

horsedreamer_1 May 17, 2011 at 12:59 pm

Terminated is Obi-wan, Vader says.

JustPixelz May 17, 2011 at 12:31 pm

"No muslins, no problems."

He couldn't be more right. If it weren't for them meddlin' muslins the Catholics and Protestants would have gotten along. It was muslins who allowed slavery in the South causing civil war and racism and whatnot. Of course WWII would have been settled with a handshake and a brandy snifter instead of those nukes. Damn muslins. Why can't they be more Christian?

SorosBot May 17, 2011 at 12:44 pm

That solution of his does sound rather final…

horsedreamer_1 May 17, 2011 at 1:00 pm

It's all Kunta Kinte's fault.

prommie May 17, 2011 at 12:32 pm

Mean, hatey, violent, ugly, ignorant and stupid apparently IS the way to go through life. Aw, but ain't that America, something to see, baby, ain't that America, you and me . . . .

uɐɯǝʌɐɔxnɐɔsɐl May 17, 2011 at 1:06 pm

It may be you, but it definitely ain't me. And I've seen enough, thank you.

pinkocommi May 17, 2011 at 6:38 pm

You forgot "obese."

OneDollarJuana May 17, 2011 at 12:33 pm

You know, looking at Joe Smith's avatar, I don't really believe he is "skimping and doing without". At least, he's not doing without food, and he's clearly not doing without the internets.

I guess what he's skimping on is time taken for critical thinking, and what he's doing without is intelligence.

TsunamiAli May 17, 2011 at 12:36 pm

That is one honking big fish, that's all I gotta say.

poncho_pilot May 17, 2011 at 12:40 pm

skimping on math. al-jabr is a tool of the Muslin devils.

uɐɯǝʌɐɔxnɐɔsɐl May 17, 2011 at 1:07 pm

I guess what he's skimping on is time taken for critical thinking, and what he's doing without is intelligence.

*blank stare*

(They do that part really well. Doesn't cost them one dime.)

PsycWench May 17, 2011 at 1:10 pm

I bet he smokes. Here in rural Virginia people will bitch endlessly about having to do without as they pull out a fresh pack of cigarettes. But it being Virginia, a pack is only about five bucks so smoking a pack a day costs less than two grand a year!

Chillwaver May 17, 2011 at 12:34 pm

That alone should fix the 25% unemployment in Detroit.

gullywompr May 17, 2011 at 12:35 pm

Creeping Sharia, Batman!

TsunamiAli May 17, 2011 at 12:35 pm

Attention, mean, hatey Facebaggers: get off your lazy asses and start your own watch group, then. You're all about government getting out of your lives, then DIY, baby.

poncho_pilot May 17, 2011 at 12:41 pm

but who watches the Watchmen?

TsunamiAli May 17, 2011 at 12:51 pm

The kind folks who contribute to People of Walmart, natch.

edgydrifter May 17, 2011 at 12:35 pm

"Thank u presnident HUSSIN for skrimping from my mouth for twentyfive day every month and fashist MUSLIM yahoo akbar yelling in tehh toilet bowl, becuse we will NEVER FORGET! 9-11 NEVER FORGET!!"

I see the Algonquin Round Table still thrives.

uɐɯǝʌɐɔxnɐɔsɐl May 17, 2011 at 1:14 pm

“Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone”

horsedreamer_1 May 17, 2011 at 12:35 pm

Today, we are all men of the cloth.

Pass the alterboys!

bagofmice May 17, 2011 at 12:59 pm

I always thought that alter boys were more of a "duck duck goose" type of situation.

DonnyKerabotsos May 17, 2011 at 12:36 pm

"The media and the powers that be must think the American people are stupid."

Oh, come on…where would they get an idea like that?

zhubajie May 17, 2011 at 7:30 pm

The media and the powers that be are ALSO stupid.

baconzgood May 17, 2011 at 12:38 pm

The wisdom of Joe Smith ladies and gentlemen….incoherent, disjointed, and lacking any point what-so-ever. Give him a hand.

Biel_ze_Bubba May 18, 2011 at 2:21 am

But please, please, don't give him a ballot.

fartknocker May 17, 2011 at 12:40 pm

I've never met Joe Smith but based on his statements he's just another asshole with an opinion with a Facebook page. Which is why I don't like Facebook or Joe Smith because of assholes.

Joe, just shut the fuck up. Also, nice catch. I would recommend blackening that large mouth bass but I know guys like you believe anything blackened means ni**er and you sure don't want them in your community – like muslins.

freakishlywrong May 17, 2011 at 12:40 pm

Once again, my embarrassment and dismay over U.S America could fill a bottomless abyss that is fathomless, also.

nounverb911 May 17, 2011 at 12:42 pm

Wasn't Mary Elizabeth Mastrantonio in that movie?

johnnymeatworth May 17, 2011 at 12:40 pm

Girl, you thought he was a man but he was a Muslin….

gullywompr May 17, 2011 at 8:21 pm

I wanna be stuffin' Martha's muslin.

gullywompr May 17, 2011 at 12:41 pm

Muslin Men is AMC's new show about Garment District executives. The opening credits are frightening, but cool.

hagajim May 17, 2011 at 12:44 pm

Damn it…you beat me to it…

nounverb911 May 17, 2011 at 12:44 pm

Does Mick Jagger sing the title song? Schmatta, schmatta, schmatta.

horsedreamer_1 May 17, 2011 at 1:01 pm

Rest assured, this one does not star Jon Hamm.

OneDollarJuana May 17, 2011 at 1:10 pm

Or Kevin Bacon.

poncho_pilot May 17, 2011 at 1:23 pm

or Anthony Weiner.

axmxz May 17, 2011 at 12:41 pm

"Guess all Muslin's yells 'Allahu akbar' (God is great when the head to the restroom)"

Well, I certainly do. Restroom head is awesome!

baconzgood May 17, 2011 at 12:48 pm

Are you in the Senate?

OneDollarJuana May 17, 2011 at 1:11 pm

Or in an airport? And do you love your wife?

DustBowlBlues May 17, 2011 at 1:11 pm

"Restroom head is awesome!"

Who knew Larry Craig would be so pissed about being kicked out of the senate that he'd become a wonkeratti! Welcome to the club, Lar'.

axmxz May 17, 2011 at 1:14 pm

Pleasure to be here, DustBowlBlues!

BRB – I hear a tapping, as of some one gently rapping, fapping at my chamber door.

chascates May 17, 2011 at 12:41 pm

Here it comes: "Obama administration goes soft on terror suspects".

nounverb911 May 17, 2011 at 12:41 pm

There are muslins in North Korea?

GOPCrusher May 17, 2011 at 3:26 pm

They can't all be godless Communists.

zhubajie May 17, 2011 at 7:32 pm

There are both North Koreans and Muslims next door, in Manchuria!

Hatrabbit May 17, 2011 at 12:42 pm

Opposite of Muslin is Christiam.

user-of-owls May 17, 2011 at 1:18 pm

Down here in the South, they have this Christiam-themed replica of Hollywood's Walk of Fame and if you are an especially adept snake handler they give you a Pentacostar.

Biel_ze_Bubba May 18, 2011 at 2:24 am

Is that Ford's new minivan?

poncho_pilot May 17, 2011 at 1:31 pm

i do not like green eggs and ham.
i do not like them, Christ i am.

SorosBot May 17, 2011 at 12:42 pm

Mr. Hobbs, everything I needed to know about Christianity, I learned as an altar boy when Father McGropey touched my weiner. Solution: No Christians, No Problem!

user-of-owls May 17, 2011 at 1:20 pm

Careful, bot. An alternative no/no-based solution to the Christian-touches-weiner problem would be considerably less attractive.

VespulaMaculata May 17, 2011 at 12:44 pm

Maybe this is why I haven't cried yet that the world is ending Saturday…?

OneDollarJuana May 17, 2011 at 1:13 pm

The world already ended. On Tuesday, Tecate was $7.99 for a half rack at the Sev. Thursday it was $11.99. The world ended somewhere between Tuesday and Thursday.

tiredalways May 17, 2011 at 1:35 pm

I am closing on my 'FIRST' home on Friday and now I think, I should just wait till Monday. You know, the prices may go down because of nice decline in demand.

GOPCrusher May 17, 2011 at 3:29 pm

Yeah, I put off all major purchases until at least May 22nd, because either I can just pick up abandoned stuff for free, or I miscalculated and won't be here anymore.

hagajim May 17, 2011 at 12:44 pm

Muslin men now brought to you by American Tobacco. They had to find someone to replace the Marlboro Man after all.

baconzgood May 17, 2011 at 12:44 pm

Nice denin overalls Joe.

Gopherit May 17, 2011 at 12:44 pm

I see all of these bitter, racist, angry fucks……and I can't help but smile. Now that Trump has taken his renewal and gone home, they literally have no one but Beck and Fatboy to soothe their quivering, bruised egos. Here's hoping they all go with Beck to his Restore Courage rally in Jerusalem. That will be a recipe for hilarity.

SorosBot May 17, 2011 at 12:49 pm

And Beck will be off the TV soon too.

mavenmaven May 17, 2011 at 12:52 pm

they won't, at the end of the day, Israel is still full of Jooz and we don't mix with those types.

GOPCrusher May 17, 2011 at 3:31 pm

Isn't a large section of the Beck target audience, Holocaust Deniers?

arihaya May 17, 2011 at 12:49 pm

you know what scarier than Muslin ??

ottoman !! furniture terrorism …

Weenus299 May 17, 2011 at 1:07 pm

I loved watching Mary Tyler Moor live freely in her muslin community in Minneapolis. In rooms filled with Ottomans. Or, Ottomen?

x111e7thst May 17, 2011 at 12:50 pm

What about the Muslins under my bed and in my closet?

Dudleydidwrong May 17, 2011 at 10:03 pm

Muslin dust bunnies? Closeted muslins? Kinky.

gef05 May 17, 2011 at 12:51 pm

Everything I needed to know about intolerance I learned from men in denim overalls after 911.

Slim_Pickins May 17, 2011 at 5:25 pm

that's overhalls, get your misspellings right.

DashboardBuddha May 17, 2011 at 12:59 pm

No so much on the liquid end. Solid relief is what I am trying to delicately refer to.

user-of-owls May 17, 2011 at 1:01 pm

Wow! I had no idea they are now manufacturing a lens with a wide enough angle to fit Joe Smith into a single picture. Amazing the strides they've made.

Weenus299 May 17, 2011 at 1:05 pm

Are we still keeping an eye on the Judes?

Ducksworthy May 17, 2011 at 1:44 pm

Don't they also worship Allah and not eat pork?

DustBowlBlues May 17, 2011 at 1:05 pm

This is the AP? Fuck the AP. I just got seriously misquoted by one of their reporters who made me sound like I wanted our convict mayor-elect to get a pardon.

PS Arizona Clemency Board evidently doesn't care how many Okie Baptists testify that Mr. Mayor just took Jeebus as his personal savior. To wit: "You haven't even had your gang tatts removed, so fuck you. " (His wife will now run in his place in the special election. I hate the Southern Baptists.)

ShaveTheWhales May 18, 2011 at 2:17 am

They didn't actually say "You haven't even had your gang tatts removed, so fuck you", did they? 'Cause that would give me an almost certainly improper level of respect for the Arizona Clemency Board.

DustBowlBlues May 17, 2011 at 1:09 pm

Mr. Smith evidently doesn't understand where the oil comes from. No Muslins? No gas!

Lionel[redacted]Esq May 17, 2011 at 1:11 pm

This is a smart move, as I'm sure there are plenty of Republican men who are perfectly happy to keep an eye on Muslim men and their hot, sweaty, swarthy bodies for free.

HipHop0Potamus May 17, 2011 at 1:17 pm

I'm going to hazard a guess that when Joe Smith searches "enemy of democracy", his yahoo results are 1. "Gays", 2. "Gays", and 3. "Gays" (algorithms based on old click-throughs for him, obvs)

poncho_pilot May 17, 2011 at 1:17 pm

so it actually made a profit? take that Atlas Shrugged!

DustBowlBlues May 17, 2011 at 1:19 pm

Can't all the wonkeratti ban together and demand that apostrophes used incorrectly and random quotes are at least misdemeanors? If I just got that in law, I'd give them a pass on split infinitives.

PabaBritannica May 17, 2011 at 1:20 pm

Joe Smith ate that entire fish after the picture was taken. Right after.

DerrickWildcat May 17, 2011 at 1:21 pm

I still watch them Muslins.

UpFistTroll May 17, 2011 at 1:24 pm

I hope so. Been a good long while since we nuked Nevada and New Mexico.

DangerHelvetica May 17, 2011 at 1:26 pm

Wow. Joe Smith is so poor he only exists for five or six days each month.

ttommyunger May 17, 2011 at 1:27 pm

Sadly, these are my neighbors here in the Sovereign State of Dumfuckistan. Got rid of "Sonny" (Land Grab) Perdue for Nathan "Sleazeball" Deal as the Governator. Such dickwads…

RedneckMuslin May 17, 2011 at 1:28 pm

cuz where Merkans!

emmelemm May 17, 2011 at 1:47 pm

At least we know we're free?

genxr May 17, 2011 at 3:58 pm

And I'd like to thank the men who died, to give that oil to me.

poncho_pilot May 17, 2011 at 1:34 pm

lol. saw this yesterday. christians act all butthurt in the comments. whatever–she's hot.
http://youtu.be/JA6vRC1xW_c

Gopherit May 17, 2011 at 1:58 pm

That is the funniest goddamn thing I have seen for a while. Someone must forward this to Beck.

Biel_ze_Bubba May 18, 2011 at 2:30 am

You want hilarity .. read the comments! Combine equal parts religious insanity and YouTube-level literacy, and STAND BACK!

DashboardBuddha May 17, 2011 at 1:56 pm

I blame my job. I really do need to focus more on my eating habits.

uɐɯǝʌɐɔxnɐɔsɐl May 17, 2011 at 2:11 pm

Baby carrots, my friend. Two bucks a bag at Safeway, you can bring them to work with you. I even know a guy who used them to help him quit smoking. He turned almost as orange as a Boehner, but he no longer coughs up blood every morning.

DashboardBuddha May 17, 2011 at 2:22 pm

Ok, mom. More carrots it is. Maybe some celery too?

uɐɯǝʌɐɔxnɐɔsɐl May 17, 2011 at 2:49 pm

OK now that's crazy talk.

Slim_Pickins May 17, 2011 at 2:33 pm

New sitcom idea, "My Favorite Muslin." To bad Ray Walston isn't still alive.

AutomaticPilot May 17, 2011 at 2:34 pm

So Joe Smith actually manages to get the spelling of "fascist" correct, but then uses an inappropriate apostrophe and misspells Muslim? And he groups Commies with Fascists? And then, Lawson Ron (IF that's his real name) has to use a brazilion exclamation points to make his position clear. This is enough to make a grammar school teacher's head explode.

anniegetyerfun May 17, 2011 at 3:26 pm

She said the man in the gabardine suit was a spy. But she never said terrorist.

genxr May 17, 2011 at 3:57 pm

Giving Up on Muslin Men? (Wonkette's next great advertisement)

fuflans May 17, 2011 at 4:19 pm

hey joan, i don't think you mean powers TO be.

but i like the concept.

BZ1 May 17, 2011 at 5:27 pm

Scared of the muslins? frightened by silk as a child?

lochnessmonster May 17, 2011 at 5:29 pm

O.M.G.

zhubajie May 17, 2011 at 7:27 pm

Historically Muslim countries historically have lots of Christians and other religions. Do Copts and Assyrians have to register? What about Yezidis? Or Mandaeans? What about the half of Israelis who come from Muslim countries?

Biel_ze_Bubba May 18, 2011 at 2:16 am

"back"???

Radiotherapy May 17, 2011 at 12:37 pm

It's the three piece-suit-dividend.

PsycWench May 17, 2011 at 1:05 pm

Damask of terror no more.

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