the fabric menace

Feds End Their ‘Watch On Muslin Men,’ Newspaper Reports

But! They're guilty! Fabric can never be that soft!
Wonkette operative “Paul G.” sends in this rewritten AP article printed in the St. Petersburg Times. Look, the death of bin Laden actually resulted in a slight restoration of civil liberties! But we’re still going to call them “Muslin.” Speaking of which, are our friends on Facebook still concerned about “the Muslin’s”?

Whatever would give the media and powers-that-be that idea?

Such a way with words.

This coming from a man who's job's listed as 'government intelligence work (retired)'

Yes, they are.

About the author

Jack Stuef is your loyal editor and a freelance satirist or something like that. He is a contributing writer for The Onion. E-mail him or whatever.

View all articles by Jack Stuef
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  1. memzilla

    "The U.S. government has ended a controversial counterterrorism program…"

    Offer still not valid after curfew in Sectors R and N.

  2. Barb

    Ah, this explains how K.J. Choi was able to win The Players tournament this weekend. We should have kept him under surveillance.

          1. GregComlish

            we didn't conquer spandex, the fast-food industry did.

            Anyway, spandex was hot back in the 80s when chicks did aerobics in their Jane Fonda leotards. Miami Sound Machine. leg warmers. hell yeah.

        1. DustBowlBlues

          Are you now spelllng your name backwards so we won't recognize you as the first to drop a pun? Sorry, caveman, it didn't work.

          1. uɐɯǝʌɐɔxnɐɔsɐl

            Naw, a couple treads ago me and boys was just messin' with html tags and such. I'll change it back, Mom. :(

  3. DashboardBuddha

    The Hobbs comment is the best. I bet he doesn't even know about Stalin's "No man, no problem". And Stalin was the leader of why kind of political ideology?

  4. Fox n Fiends

    I saw a bumper sticker the other day that read "Working People Vote Republican". Ain't that America?

    1. user-of-owls

      "No really, just go ahead and jump, it'll be ok, honest. I'll be waiting down here at the bottom of the bridge to catch you! Trust me."

    2. PsycWench

      I saw a sticker before the 2008 election that read "Voldemort votes Republican". I like that one better.

    3. cuzcorrelation

      Given that millionaires and billionaires are some of the only ones with jobs in this country, it makes perfect sense.

      1. WhatTheHolyHeck

        Look what those godless lazy commie welfare queens have reduced them to: they have to work for their millions now!


    1. OneDollarJuana

      Muslins wrap their heads in rags. Wisconsinites wrap their cheeses in muslin. Thus, cheeseheads = ragheads.

      1. horsedreamer_1

        This gives Scooter an idea: he's going to use Homeland Security to bust the unions. HSA, then RICO laws, when they come to trial.

        Today, we are all Ramzi Yousef.

  5. Sue4466

    Yes, by all means, "u tell them Joe!!!!" Who you're actually telling or what the fuck you're actually telling them is a complete mystery to anyone not residing in your skull, but do carry on.

  6. DashboardBuddha

    Joan? My guess is that the Muslins (sic) that shout when they head to the toilet are middle aged and older. I know that when my plumbing is working as designed, I too give thanks to god.

    1. V572..whatever

      Your internal plumbing? It is a great day when things are working correctly there. Wish it were as reliable as the porcelain-and-cast-iron system it drains into.

  7. memzilla

    Bumper stickers seen at a nursing home over the weekend: "McCain/Palin 2008," "NASCAR," and "No Government Health Care." The only things missing were TruckNutz, the Confederate flag, and a Hoveround® ramp.

  8. JustPixelz

    "No muslins, no problems."

    He couldn't be more right. If it weren't for them meddlin' muslins the Catholics and Protestants would have gotten along. It was muslins who allowed slavery in the South causing civil war and racism and whatnot. Of course WWII would have been settled with a handshake and a brandy snifter instead of those nukes. Damn muslins. Why can't they be more Christian?

  9. prommie

    Mean, hatey, violent, ugly, ignorant and stupid apparently IS the way to go through life. Aw, but ain't that America, something to see, baby, ain't that America, you and me . . . .

    1. uɐɯǝʌɐɔxnɐɔsɐl

      It may be you, but it definitely ain't me. And I've seen enough, thank you.

  10. OneDollarJuana

    You know, looking at Joe Smith's avatar, I don't really believe he is "skimping and doing without". At least, he's not doing without food, and he's clearly not doing without the internets.

    I guess what he's skimping on is time taken for critical thinking, and what he's doing without is intelligence.

    1. uɐɯǝʌɐɔxnɐɔsɐl

      I guess what he's skimping on is time taken for critical thinking, and what he's doing without is intelligence.

      *blank stare*

      (They do that part really well. Doesn't cost them one dime.)

    2. PsycWench

      I bet he smokes. Here in rural Virginia people will bitch endlessly about having to do without as they pull out a fresh pack of cigarettes. But it being Virginia, a pack is only about five bucks so smoking a pack a day costs less than two grand a year!

  11. TsunamiAli

    Attention, mean, hatey Facebaggers: get off your lazy asses and start your own watch group, then. You're all about government getting out of your lives, then DIY, baby.

  12. edgydrifter

    "Thank u presnident HUSSIN for skrimping from my mouth for twentyfive day every month and fashist MUSLIM yahoo akbar yelling in tehh toilet bowl, becuse we will NEVER FORGET! 9-11 NEVER FORGET!!"

    I see the Algonquin Round Table still thrives.

    1. bagofmice

      I always thought that alter boys were more of a "duck duck goose" type of situation.

  13. DonnyKerabotsos

    "The media and the powers that be must think the American people are stupid."

    Oh, come on…where would they get an idea like that?

  14. baconzgood

    The wisdom of Joe Smith ladies and gentlemen….incoherent, disjointed, and lacking any point what-so-ever. Give him a hand.

  15. fartknocker

    I've never met Joe Smith but based on his statements he's just another asshole with an opinion with a Facebook page. Which is why I don't like Facebook or Joe Smith because of assholes.

    Joe, just shut the fuck up. Also, nice catch. I would recommend blackening that large mouth bass but I know guys like you believe anything blackened means ni**er and you sure don't want them in your community – like muslins.

  16. freakishlywrong

    Once again, my embarrassment and dismay over U.S America could fill a bottomless abyss that is fathomless, also.

  17. gullywompr

    Muslin Men is AMC's new show about Garment District executives. The opening credits are frightening, but cool.

  18. axmxz

    "Guess all Muslin's yells 'Allahu akbar' (God is great when the head to the restroom)"

    Well, I certainly do. Restroom head is awesome!

    1. DustBowlBlues

      "Restroom head is awesome!"

      Who knew Larry Craig would be so pissed about being kicked out of the senate that he'd become a wonkeratti! Welcome to the club, Lar'.

      1. axmxz

        Pleasure to be here, DustBowlBlues!

        BRB – I hear a tapping, as of some one gently rapping, fapping at my chamber door.

    1. user-of-owls

      Down here in the South, they have this Christiam-themed replica of Hollywood's Walk of Fame and if you are an especially adept snake handler they give you a Pentacostar.

  19. SorosBot

    Mr. Hobbs, everything I needed to know about Christianity, I learned as an altar boy when Father McGropey touched my weiner. Solution: No Christians, No Problem!

    1. user-of-owls

      Careful, bot. An alternative no/no-based solution to the Christian-touches-weiner problem would be considerably less attractive.

    1. OneDollarJuana

      The world already ended. On Tuesday, Tecate was $7.99 for a half rack at the Sev. Thursday it was $11.99. The world ended somewhere between Tuesday and Thursday.

    2. tiredalways

      I am closing on my 'FIRST' home on Friday and now I think, I should just wait till Monday. You know, the prices may go down because of nice decline in demand.

      1. GOPCrusher

        Yeah, I put off all major purchases until at least May 22nd, because either I can just pick up abandoned stuff for free, or I miscalculated and won't be here anymore.

  20. hagajim

    Muslin men now brought to you by American Tobacco. They had to find someone to replace the Marlboro Man after all.

  21. Gopherit

    I see all of these bitter, racist, angry fucks……and I can't help but smile. Now that Trump has taken his renewal and gone home, they literally have no one but Beck and Fatboy to soothe their quivering, bruised egos. Here's hoping they all go with Beck to his Restore Courage rally in Jerusalem. That will be a recipe for hilarity.

    1. mavenmaven

      they won't, at the end of the day, Israel is still full of Jooz and we don't mix with those types.

    1. Weenus299

      I loved watching Mary Tyler Moor live freely in her muslin community in Minneapolis. In rooms filled with Ottomans. Or, Ottomen?

  22. gef05

    Everything I needed to know about intolerance I learned from men in denim overalls after 911.

  23. DashboardBuddha

    No so much on the liquid end. Solid relief is what I am trying to delicately refer to.

  24. user-of-owls

    Wow! I had no idea they are now manufacturing a lens with a wide enough angle to fit Joe Smith into a single picture. Amazing the strides they've made.

  25. DustBowlBlues

    This is the AP? Fuck the AP. I just got seriously misquoted by one of their reporters who made me sound like I wanted our convict mayor-elect to get a pardon.

    PS Arizona Clemency Board evidently doesn't care how many Okie Baptists testify that Mr. Mayor just took Jeebus as his personal savior. To wit: "You haven't even had your gang tatts removed, so fuck you. " (His wife will now run in his place in the special election. I hate the Southern Baptists.)

    1. ShaveTheWhales

      They didn't actually say "You haven't even had your gang tatts removed, so fuck you", did they? 'Cause that would give me an almost certainly improper level of respect for the Arizona Clemency Board.

  26. DustBowlBlues

    Mr. Smith evidently doesn't understand where the oil comes from. No Muslins? No gas!

  27. Lionel[redacted]Esq

    This is a smart move, as I'm sure there are plenty of Republican men who are perfectly happy to keep an eye on Muslim men and their hot, sweaty, swarthy bodies for free.

  28. HipHop0Potamus

    I'm going to hazard a guess that when Joe Smith searches "enemy of democracy", his yahoo results are 1. "Gays", 2. "Gays", and 3. "Gays" (algorithms based on old click-throughs for him, obvs)

  29. DustBowlBlues

    Can't all the wonkeratti ban together and demand that apostrophes used incorrectly and random quotes are at least misdemeanors? If I just got that in law, I'd give them a pass on split infinitives.

  30. ttommyunger

    Sadly, these are my neighbors here in the Sovereign State of Dumfuckistan. Got rid of "Sonny" (Land Grab) Perdue for Nathan "Sleazeball" Deal as the Governator. Such dickwads…

    1. Gopherit

      That is the funniest goddamn thing I have seen for a while. Someone must forward this to Beck.

      1. Biel_ze_Bubba

        You want hilarity .. read the comments! Combine equal parts religious insanity and YouTube-level literacy, and STAND BACK!

    1. uɐɯǝʌɐɔxnɐɔsɐl

      Baby carrots, my friend. Two bucks a bag at Safeway, you can bring them to work with you. I even know a guy who used them to help him quit smoking. He turned almost as orange as a Boehner, but he no longer coughs up blood every morning.

  31. AutomaticPilot

    So Joe Smith actually manages to get the spelling of "fascist" correct, but then uses an inappropriate apostrophe and misspells Muslim? And he groups Commies with Fascists? And then, Lawson Ron (IF that's his real name) has to use a brazilion exclamation points to make his position clear. This is enough to make a grammar school teacher's head explode.

  32. anniegetyerfun

    She said the man in the gabardine suit was a spy. But she never said terrorist.

  33. zhubajie

    Historically Muslim countries historically have lots of Christians and other religions. Do Copts and Assyrians have to register? What about Yezidis? Or Mandaeans? What about the half of Israelis who come from Muslim countries?

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