the fabric menace

Feds End Their ‘Watch On Muslin Men,’ Newspaper Reports

But! They're guilty! Fabric can never be that soft!
Wonkette operative “Paul G.” sends in this rewritten AP article printed in the St. Petersburg Times. Look, the death of bin Laden actually resulted in a slight restoration of civil liberties! But we’re still going to call them “Muslin.” Speaking of which, are our friends on Facebook still concerned about “the Muslin’s”?

Whatever would give the media and powers-that-be that idea?

Such a way with words.

This coming from a man who's job's listed as 'government intelligence work (retired)'

Yes, they are.

About the author

Jack Stuef is your loyal editor and a freelance satirist or something like that. He is a contributing writer for The Onion. E-mail him or whatever.

View all articles by Jack Stuef

Comments

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  • Serolf_Divad

    The FBI will now set its sights on corduroy men.

    • Gopherit

      Can I volunteer to NOT watch spandex americans?

    • Mahousu

      The corduroy men have a much lower threat potential. You can always hear them coming.

    • Bonzos_Bed_Time

      All the hipsters with their fancy tweed vests!

    • PabaBritannica

      WHERE'S THE GARMENT TAG, OBAMAR? YOUR SHIRT IS SECRET MUSLIN.

    • KathrynSane

      Did you hear about the corduroy pillows? They're making headlines!

      I'm sorry.

      • ShaveTheWhales

        Not sorry enough.

  • memzilla

    "The U.S. government has ended a controversial counterterrorism program…"

    Offer still not valid after curfew in Sectors R and N.

    • David_in_NYC

      They never come up into the hills.

  • Barb

    Ah, this explains how K.J. Choi was able to win The Players tournament this weekend. We should have kept him under surveillance.

  • http://www.wonkette.com ManchuCandidate

    Never liked fatties in sweatpants.

    • MarcelleMarceau

      Worsted wearers are highly suspect.

      • uɐɯǝʌɐɔxnɐɔsɐl

        They're the worst!

        • baconzgood

          At least we were able to conquer spandex in the 80's.

          • LesBontemps

            So long, seersuckers!

          • Radiotherapy

            It's the three piece-suit-dividend.

          • PsycWench

            Damask of terror no more.

          • GregComlish

            we didn't conquer spandex, the fast-food industry did.

            Anyway, spandex was hot back in the 80s when chicks did aerobics in their Jane Fonda leotards. Miami Sound Machine. leg warmers. hell yeah.

        • DustBowlBlues

          Are you now spelllng your name backwards so we won't recognize you as the first to drop a pun? Sorry, caveman, it didn't work.

          • uɐɯǝʌɐɔxnɐɔsɐl

            Naw, a couple treads ago me and boys was just messin' with html tags and such. I'll change it back, Mom. :(

  • DashboardBuddha

    The Hobbs comment is the best. I bet he doesn't even know about Stalin's "No man, no problem". And Stalin was the leader of why kind of political ideology?

  • Slim_Pickins

    I'd make a comment, but it would be too cynical.

  • http://grandpaboy.blogspot.com/ seppdecker

    And the search for American literacy continues

  • CliveWarren

    Mo muslins, Mo hummus.

  • Fox n Fiends

    I saw a bumper sticker the other day that read "Working People Vote Republican". Ain't that America?

    • http://www.wonkette.com ManchuCandidate

      Corrected version should say "Dipshit Ignorant braindead Working People Vote Republican."

      • uɐɯǝʌɐɔxnɐɔsɐl

        Morans.

      • Fox n Fiends

        "Feudalism is Freedom!"

    • freakishlywrong

      I work. And I despise Republicans.

    • user-of-owls

      "No really, just go ahead and jump, it'll be ok, honest. I'll be waiting down here at the bottom of the bridge to catch you! Trust me."

    • PsycWench

      I saw a sticker before the 2008 election that read "Voldemort votes Republican". I like that one better.

    • cuzcorrelation

      Given that millionaires and billionaires are some of the only ones with jobs in this country, it makes perfect sense.

      • WhatTheHolyHeck

        Look what those godless lazy commie welfare queens have reduced them to: they have to work for their millions now!

        [/ohthehumanity]

    • BerkeleyBear

      Litttle Pink Houses, baby. And no appreciation for sarcasm.

  • Arken

    When will the menace of cheesecloth end?!

    • OneDollarJuana

      Muslins wrap their heads in rags. Wisconsinites wrap their cheeses in muslin. Thus, cheeseheads = ragheads.

      • horsedreamer_1

        This gives Scooter an idea: he's going to use Homeland Security to bust the unions. HSA, then RICO laws, when they come to trial.

        Today, we are all Ramzi Yousef.

  • Sue4466

    Yes, by all means, "u tell them Joe!!!!" Who you're actually telling or what the fuck you're actually telling them is a complete mystery to anyone not residing in your skull, but do carry on.

  • Buckminster

    Spandex at WalMart. Gag.

  • DashboardBuddha

    Joan? My guess is that the Muslins (sic) that shout when they head to the toilet are middle aged and older. I know that when my plumbing is working as designed, I too give thanks to god.

    • V572..whatever

      Your internal plumbing? It is a great day when things are working correctly there. Wish it were as reliable as the porcelain-and-cast-iron system it drains into.

  • memzilla

    Bumper stickers seen at a nursing home over the weekend: "McCain/Palin 2008," "NASCAR," and "No Government Health Care." The only things missing were TruckNutz, the Confederate flag, and a Hoveround® ramp.

    • http://www.wonkette.com ManchuCandidate

      Makes me almost want to tell olds that "Soylent Green" was a documentary.

    • horsedreamer_1

      How much does that nursing-home make off Medicaid & Medicare?

      • GOPCrusher

        All of it, Katie.

  • LesBontemps

    Watch on Muslin men is dropped.

    Sounds like Yoda lost a timepiece in a minaret.

    • unclejeems

      Much the same thought I.

      • horsedreamer_1

        Terminated is Obi-wan, Vader says.

  • http://www.storycorner.us/ JustPixelz

    "No muslins, no problems."

    He couldn't be more right. If it weren't for them meddlin' muslins the Catholics and Protestants would have gotten along. It was muslins who allowed slavery in the South causing civil war and racism and whatnot. Of course WWII would have been settled with a handshake and a brandy snifter instead of those nukes. Damn muslins. Why can't they be more Christian?

    • SorosBot

      That solution of his does sound rather final…

    • horsedreamer_1

      It's all Kunta Kinte's fault.

  • prommie

    Mean, hatey, violent, ugly, ignorant and stupid apparently IS the way to go through life. Aw, but ain't that America, something to see, baby, ain't that America, you and me . . . .

    • uɐɯǝʌɐɔxnɐɔsɐl

      It may be you, but it definitely ain't me. And I've seen enough, thank you.

    • pinkocommi

      You forgot "obese."

  • OneDollarJuana

    You know, looking at Joe Smith's avatar, I don't really believe he is "skimping and doing without". At least, he's not doing without food, and he's clearly not doing without the internets.

    I guess what he's skimping on is time taken for critical thinking, and what he's doing without is intelligence.

    • http://theaccidentalenvironmentalist.blogspot.com TsunamiAli

      That is one honking big fish, that's all I gotta say.

    • poncho_pilot

      skimping on math. al-jabr is a tool of the Muslin devils.

    • uɐɯǝʌɐɔxnɐɔsɐl

      I guess what he's skimping on is time taken for critical thinking, and what he's doing without is intelligence.

      *blank stare*

      (They do that part really well. Doesn't cost them one dime.)

    • PsycWench

      I bet he smokes. Here in rural Virginia people will bitch endlessly about having to do without as they pull out a fresh pack of cigarettes. But it being Virginia, a pack is only about five bucks so smoking a pack a day costs less than two grand a year!

  • http://thethingsrepublicanshate.com/ Chillwaver

    That alone should fix the 25% unemployment in Detroit.

  • gullywompr

    Creeping Sharia, Batman!

  • http://theaccidentalenvironmentalist.blogspot.com TsunamiAli

    Attention, mean, hatey Facebaggers: get off your lazy asses and start your own watch group, then. You're all about government getting out of your lives, then DIY, baby.

    • poncho_pilot

      but who watches the Watchmen?

      • http://theaccidentalenvironmentalist.blogspot.com TsunamiAli

        The kind folks who contribute to People of Walmart, natch.

  • edgydrifter

    "Thank u presnident HUSSIN for skrimping from my mouth for twentyfive day every month and fashist MUSLIM yahoo akbar yelling in tehh toilet bowl, becuse we will NEVER FORGET! 9-11 NEVER FORGET!!"

    I see the Algonquin Round Table still thrives.

    • uɐɯǝʌɐɔxnɐɔsɐl

      “Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone”

  • horsedreamer_1

    Today, we are all men of the cloth.

    Pass the alterboys!

    • bagofmice

      I always thought that alter boys were more of a "duck duck goose" type of situation.

  • DonnyKerabotsos

    "The media and the powers that be must think the American people are stupid."

    Oh, come on…where would they get an idea like that?

    • zhubajie

      The media and the powers that be are ALSO stupid.

  • baconzgood

    The wisdom of Joe Smith ladies and gentlemen….incoherent, disjointed, and lacking any point what-so-ever. Give him a hand.

    • Biel_ze_Bubba

      But please, please, don't give him a ballot.

  • fartknocker

    I've never met Joe Smith but based on his statements he's just another asshole with an opinion with a Facebook page. Which is why I don't like Facebook or Joe Smith because of assholes.

    Joe, just shut the fuck up. Also, nice catch. I would recommend blackening that large mouth bass but I know guys like you believe anything blackened means ni**er and you sure don't want them in your community – like muslins.

  • freakishlywrong

    Once again, my embarrassment and dismay over U.S America could fill a bottomless abyss that is fathomless, also.

    • nounverb911

      Wasn't Mary Elizabeth Mastrantonio in that movie?

  • johnnymeatworth

    Girl, you thought he was a man but he was a Muslin….

    • gullywompr

      I wanna be stuffin' Martha's muslin.

  • gullywompr

    Muslin Men is AMC's new show about Garment District executives. The opening credits are frightening, but cool.

    • hagajim

      Damn it…you beat me to it…

    • nounverb911

      Does Mick Jagger sing the title song? Schmatta, schmatta, schmatta.

    • horsedreamer_1

      Rest assured, this one does not star Jon Hamm.

      • OneDollarJuana

        Or Kevin Bacon.

        • poncho_pilot

          or Anthony Weiner.

  • axmxz

    "Guess all Muslin's yells 'Allahu akbar' (God is great when the head to the restroom)"

    Well, I certainly do. Restroom head is awesome!

    • baconzgood

      Are you in the Senate?

      • OneDollarJuana

        Or in an airport? And do you love your wife?

    • DustBowlBlues

      "Restroom head is awesome!"

      Who knew Larry Craig would be so pissed about being kicked out of the senate that he'd become a wonkeratti! Welcome to the club, Lar'.

      • axmxz

        Pleasure to be here, DustBowlBlues!

        BRB – I hear a tapping, as of some one gently rapping, fapping at my chamber door.

  • chascates

    Here it comes: "Obama administration goes soft on terror suspects".

  • nounverb911

    There are muslins in North Korea?

    • GOPCrusher

      They can't all be godless Communists.

    • zhubajie

      There are both North Koreans and Muslims next door, in Manchuria!

  • Hatrabbit

    Opposite of Muslin is Christiam.

    • user-of-owls

      Down here in the South, they have this Christiam-themed replica of Hollywood's Walk of Fame and if you are an especially adept snake handler they give you a Pentacostar.

      • Biel_ze_Bubba

        Is that Ford's new minivan?

    • poncho_pilot

      i do not like green eggs and ham.
      i do not like them, Christ i am.

  • SorosBot

    Mr. Hobbs, everything I needed to know about Christianity, I learned as an altar boy when Father McGropey touched my weiner. Solution: No Christians, No Problem!

    • user-of-owls

      Careful, bot. An alternative no/no-based solution to the Christian-touches-weiner problem would be considerably less attractive.

  • VespulaMaculata

    Maybe this is why I haven't cried yet that the world is ending Saturday…?

    • OneDollarJuana

      The world already ended. On Tuesday, Tecate was $7.99 for a half rack at the Sev. Thursday it was $11.99. The world ended somewhere between Tuesday and Thursday.

    • tiredalways

      I am closing on my 'FIRST' home on Friday and now I think, I should just wait till Monday. You know, the prices may go down because of nice decline in demand.

      • GOPCrusher

        Yeah, I put off all major purchases until at least May 22nd, because either I can just pick up abandoned stuff for free, or I miscalculated and won't be here anymore.

  • hagajim

    Muslin men now brought to you by American Tobacco. They had to find someone to replace the Marlboro Man after all.

  • baconzgood

    Nice denin overalls Joe.

  • Gopherit

    I see all of these bitter, racist, angry fucks……and I can't help but smile. Now that Trump has taken his renewal and gone home, they literally have no one but Beck and Fatboy to soothe their quivering, bruised egos. Here's hoping they all go with Beck to his Restore Courage rally in Jerusalem. That will be a recipe for hilarity.

    • SorosBot

      And Beck will be off the TV soon too.

    • mavenmaven

      they won't, at the end of the day, Israel is still full of Jooz and we don't mix with those types.

    • GOPCrusher

      Isn't a large section of the Beck target audience, Holocaust Deniers?

  • arihaya

    you know what scarier than Muslin ??

    ottoman !! furniture terrorism …

    • Weenus299

      I loved watching Mary Tyler Moor live freely in her muslin community in Minneapolis. In rooms filled with Ottomans. Or, Ottomen?

  • x111e7thst

    What about the Muslins under my bed and in my closet?

    • Dudleydidwrong

      Muslin dust bunnies? Closeted muslins? Kinky.

  • gef05

    Everything I needed to know about intolerance I learned from men in denim overalls after 911.

    • Slim_Pickins

      that's overhalls, get your misspellings right.

  • DashboardBuddha

    No so much on the liquid end. Solid relief is what I am trying to delicately refer to.

  • user-of-owls

    Wow! I had no idea they are now manufacturing a lens with a wide enough angle to fit Joe Smith into a single picture. Amazing the strides they've made.

  • Weenus299

    Are we still keeping an eye on the Judes?

    • Ducksworthy

      Don't they also worship Allah and not eat pork?

  • DustBowlBlues

    This is the AP? Fuck the AP. I just got seriously misquoted by one of their reporters who made me sound like I wanted our convict mayor-elect to get a pardon.

    PS Arizona Clemency Board evidently doesn't care how many Okie Baptists testify that Mr. Mayor just took Jeebus as his personal savior. To wit: "You haven't even had your gang tatts removed, so fuck you. " (His wife will now run in his place in the special election. I hate the Southern Baptists.)

    • ShaveTheWhales

      They didn't actually say "You haven't even had your gang tatts removed, so fuck you", did they? 'Cause that would give me an almost certainly improper level of respect for the Arizona Clemency Board.

  • DustBowlBlues

    Mr. Smith evidently doesn't understand where the oil comes from. No Muslins? No gas!

  • Lionel[redacted]Esq

    This is a smart move, as I'm sure there are plenty of Republican men who are perfectly happy to keep an eye on Muslim men and their hot, sweaty, swarthy bodies for free.

  • HipHop0Potamus

    I'm going to hazard a guess that when Joe Smith searches "enemy of democracy", his yahoo results are 1. "Gays", 2. "Gays", and 3. "Gays" (algorithms based on old click-throughs for him, obvs)

  • poncho_pilot

    so it actually made a profit? take that Atlas Shrugged!

  • DustBowlBlues

    Can't all the wonkeratti ban together and demand that apostrophes used incorrectly and random quotes are at least misdemeanors? If I just got that in law, I'd give them a pass on split infinitives.

  • PabaBritannica

    Joe Smith ate that entire fish after the picture was taken. Right after.

  • http://www.flickr.com/photos/30500320@N06/ DerrickWildcat

    I still watch them Muslins.

  • http://memory-alpha.org/wiki/Armus UpFistTroll

    I hope so. Been a good long while since we nuked Nevada and New Mexico.

  • DangerHelvetica

    Wow. Joe Smith is so poor he only exists for five or six days each month.

  • ttommyunger

    Sadly, these are my neighbors here in the Sovereign State of Dumfuckistan. Got rid of "Sonny" (Land Grab) Perdue for Nathan "Sleazeball" Deal as the Governator. Such dickwads…

  • RedneckMuslin

    cuz where Merkans!

    • emmelemm

      At least we know we're free?

      • genxr

        And I'd like to thank the men who died, to give that oil to me.

  • poncho_pilot

    lol. saw this yesterday. christians act all butthurt in the comments. whatever–she's hot.
    http://youtu.be/JA6vRC1xW_c

    • Gopherit

      That is the funniest goddamn thing I have seen for a while. Someone must forward this to Beck.

      • Biel_ze_Bubba

        You want hilarity .. read the comments! Combine equal parts religious insanity and YouTube-level literacy, and STAND BACK!

  • DashboardBuddha

    I blame my job. I really do need to focus more on my eating habits.

    • uɐɯǝʌɐɔxnɐɔsɐl

      Baby carrots, my friend. Two bucks a bag at Safeway, you can bring them to work with you. I even know a guy who used them to help him quit smoking. He turned almost as orange as a Boehner, but he no longer coughs up blood every morning.

      • DashboardBuddha

        Ok, mom. More carrots it is. Maybe some celery too?

        • uɐɯǝʌɐɔxnɐɔsɐl

          OK now that's crazy talk.

  • Slim_Pickins

    New sitcom idea, "My Favorite Muslin." To bad Ray Walston isn't still alive.

  • AutomaticPilot

    So Joe Smith actually manages to get the spelling of "fascist" correct, but then uses an inappropriate apostrophe and misspells Muslim? And he groups Commies with Fascists? And then, Lawson Ron (IF that's his real name) has to use a brazilion exclamation points to make his position clear. This is enough to make a grammar school teacher's head explode.

  • anniegetyerfun

    She said the man in the gabardine suit was a spy. But she never said terrorist.

  • genxr

    Giving Up on Muslin Men? (Wonkette's next great advertisement)

  • fuflans

    hey joan, i don't think you mean powers TO be.

    but i like the concept.

  • http://howtosavetheworld.ca/ BZ1

    Scared of the muslins? frightened by silk as a child?

  • lochnessmonster

    O.M.G.

  • zhubajie

    Historically Muslim countries historically have lots of Christians and other religions. Do Copts and Assyrians have to register? What about Yezidis? Or Mandaeans? What about the half of Israelis who come from Muslim countries?

  • Biel_ze_Bubba

    "back"???