unreasonable toking

Supreme Court: Police Don’t Need Warrant To Kick Your Door Down, Shoot Your Dog

The police do not need a warrant to enter a home if they smell burning marijuana, knock loudly, announce themselves and hear what they think is the sound of evidence being destroyed, the Supreme Court ruled on Monday in an 8-to-1 decision.

“Police! We were walking by and heard evidence being destroyed! Open the door in the next tenth of a second or we’re going to damage your property, kill your dog in front of your children, and find out that you were just blending a smoothie!” [NYT]

Related

About the author

Jack Stuef is your loyal editor and a freelance satirist or something like that. He is a contributing writer for The Onion. E-mail him or whatever.

View all articles by Jack Stuef

Hola wonkerados.

To improve site performance, we did a thing. It could be up to three minutes before your comment appears. DON'T KEEP RETRYING, OKAY?

Also, if you are a new commenter, your comment may never appear. This is probably because we hate you.

112 comments

  1. GunToting[Redacted]

    "Police! We heard inhalation and exhalation and suspect the ingestion of drugs! Please remove yourself and your pets from behind cover!!!"

    1. Radiotherapy

      It's like terrorism, there's little danger in and of itself, but what a great cover for police state control.

    2. SorosBot

      The cops have always cared about pot – when it's black people smoking it. Good excuse to arrest them.

    3. Rotundo_

      Egad, with the incredibly generous search and seizure laws around, one can lose everything on the suspicion of one fucking joint. Evidently killing the dog in front of the kids is now an added perk. Seizure laws are one big reason why they still really do care about that one dried up joint: It lets them keep the house, cars, furniture, jewelry, cash, dry goods and any other damned thing they want for their own use and profit. It's a legal and encouraged form of theft, and they don't even need to have a case to do so. Cops love drug busts. Crooked ones reallllllly do.

  2. SorosBot

    "This is the police! We hear Phish music and a toilet flushing; you must be smoking pot! Open up or we're smashing down the door!"

    "Look, a cat – it could scratch us and that hurts! Shoot!"

    1. BloviateMe

      Q: what did the Phish fan say when he ran out of weed?

      A: wow, this band sucks.

      Yeah, I went for the obvious joke…if Boehner can be orange, I can be obvious.

        1. ShaveTheWhales

          Although not true. I saw the Dead a number of times while moderately whooped, and a number of other times with only the assistance of alcohol.

          Fuckers were a pretty good jam band either way.

      1. OC_Surf_Serf

        Hashby's Chocolates are the crux…you eat some, get the munchies, eat more, repeat.

          1. V572..whatever

            Yeah right, like anybody's going to that URL. Immediate addition to the no-fly list for you, plus your electric bill will be subpoenaed, if in fact they need subpoenas for that anymore. Which I'm guessing they don't. "Well Your Honor, I heard someone in the defendant's apartment crumpling an electric bill, and, suspecting that evidence was about to be destroyed in the fire, I broke down the door."

    1. horsedreamer_1

      If it's yellow, let it mellow. If it's brown… It's still got some juice: vapourize it.

  3. Barb

    V already knows this story and will verify. I had 5 cops out to my house last month, banging on the door and shining their flashlights in every window while I was asleep. I opened the door and was asked to step outside in the gravel in my bare feet. They inspected my house and were satisfied that no crime had occurred after 20 minutes of questioning. The call they received? Jeff left the garage door opened. I wasn't even aware that this was a crime. Hooray, Albuquerque Police Department!

    1. DaRooster

      Nice! Fucking morons… don't ASK if everything is OK. Well you could have been a burglar and just got tired in the middle of your randsackiness I suppose. Derp.

    2. James Michael Curley

      This too, is true.
      Years ago my father owned a store on the front of our house which was in the business district of a very small town. Since the kids, us and our friends, would go in and out in the evening after business hours, the door was often left unlocked. Each night a patrolman would walk by on foot and check all the doors. When he found one open he would call the owner. This would result in a couple calls a month well after midnight.

      We all got very tired of it and I called the Captain and asked why they could not simply reach in and turn the lock and close the door. His reply was that the officers could not intrude on a private home/business without knowledge of imediate danger to those in residence.

      Things have sure changed.

    3. V572..whatever

      Damn right I know about it. Who do you think called the cops? You can't just be opening a garage door any time you want — you might be using it to destroy evidence. And Real Americans™ have lush green lawns, not Xeriscaping, so it's no wonder they were suspicious.

    4. vodkamuppet

      I don't doubt this at all. When I was 16 this stupid hippie girl let her pipe slip out of her pocket and into the sofa cushions. My mother found it and threw it away which would have been fine, if that didn't happen to be the same week the cops decided to inspect my trash. Why were they inspecting my trash, you ask? Because some old fucking retiree who spent his days fucking with his lawn reported to the police that there was "suspicious foot traffic" coming and going from my house, i.e. me and my idiot friends coming and going after school. This story ends with me coming home from work to find a swat team terrorizing my father in his bathrobe and my entire house turned upside down. The the cop started psychoanalyzing me and calling me a slacker deadbeat (which is nuts since I was wearing my chef whites and had been working with bruised ribs from a hockey injury earlier in the week) at which point a started bitching him out and told him to arrest me or get the fuck out of my house, which terrorized my dad even more. So the fat ass cop, cum catcher mustache and all, arrested me for a pop-bottle bong I had forgotten was even in my closet. I bailed myself out within an hour. 2 years probation, 80 hours community service and a shitload of fines, including the cost of the raid. The really interesting thing about that sentence is that it didn't include any kind of drug treatment, or even testing. They didn't give a shit if I was actually smoking pot or not, they basically just raided my house for no reason and charged me a buttload of money for it. That is just one example of why, even nearly 20 years later, I still completely fucking hate cops. I don't trust them and I never will.

    5. DahBoner

      Ah yes, the ABQ pd. How are so many Irish crackers able to find their way to the desert?

      Actually, the Iowa police departments are more corrupt. In Iowa City, the cops walked into a local business, with the back door ajar, and shot the owner, who was talking on the phone. Dead. And they got away with it…

    6. Chet Kincaid

      Barb, I didn't know you were a Sista! That shit doesn't happen to ahem Real Americans. Expect an invite for beer at the White House for you and Jefferson soon.

  4. OC_Surf_Serf

    Evidence-destroying sounds? So why are they not listening for shredders at Goldman Sacks?

  5. SexySmurf

    In the cops' defense, the only time a hippy flushes the toilet is to get rid of their stash.

  6. prommie

    Prommie's Words to the Wise, a collection of wisdom sayings that will rival the meditations of Marcus Aurelius, describes the following saying as the most profound truth in this life, and the most important lesson to know and understand, always: There is no situation imaginable on earth, no matter how bad, that a cop couldn't make worse."

  7. elviouslyqueer

    What, is Alito still pissed about that one time when he bought a dime bag of Jamaican Red, only to find out it was really oregano?

    1. James Michael Curley

      After the Rapture on Saturday, those of us who are chosen will not need weed. To those of you who are left, weed won't be strong enough.

      1. Biel_ze_Bubba

        Aren't all the Jebus-tards supposed to go away when they get ruptured? Sounds like a win to me.

  8. CliveWarren

    Dogs are nothing but a gateway pet.

    And you have a door!?! That just tells a trained professional like me that you have something to hide…

  9. Troubledog

    Obviously they could have done that with only two cops instead of five. It's the fucking arrogant unions and their entitlements that are killing us. Fucking liberal public service unions and entitlements raping our beloved nation.

    1. Lionel[redacted]Esq

      What about my idea of a white noise machine that sounds like a toliet being flushed?

    2. user-of-owls

      Sheesh, and I was planning on retiring based on my earnings from my Crack Pipe Key Ring. Dag, yo.

    1. PsycWench

      Until you've licked Cheetos off the floor, you haven't lived. If you're a dog, anyway.

  10. LesBontemps

    Wasn't a substantial point of the American Revolution (and that later 4th Amendment thingy) that good citizens should be able to get away with doing shit that the government didn't like, in the privacy of their own homes?

  11. JustPixelz

    The right of the people to be secure in their persons, houses, papers, and effects, against unreasonable searches and seizures, shall not be violated, and no Warrants shall issue, but upon probable cause, supported by Oath or affirmation, and particularly describing the place to be searched, and the persons or things to be seized.

    Why do I suspect this is a court ruling the "plain language of the Constitution" Tea Partiers will support? (oh yeah, because of the hypocrisy, that's why)

    1. Beowoof

      The constitution, those tea party folks have no interest in the real constitution, most have never taken the time to look at it, let alone actually read it. And even if they did read it, I doubt that most of that crowd would have the reading level or comprehension to understand what it really says. They're happy these guys currently on the Supreme Court are against regular folks having rights when the government comes after them; except when the police call on their tea bag asses.

  12. chascates

    Terrorists and be damned, it's the people smoking pot in their own residences that pose a grave threat to the republic.

        1. Dudleydidwrong

          PG police officers arrested for drug trafficking? Next you'll tell me that shit's brown, rice's white, and Republicans are fucking assholes–and that's meant in both ways.

  13. Lionel[redacted]Esq

    So, was Clarence Thomas the only one to vote no, since he believes it would only be Constitutional if the dog had been armed first?

    1. LesBontemps

      Nice dissent by Ginsburg, FWIW, which on an 8-1 decision ain't much.

      Fuck tha Police is right.

  14. poncho_pilot

    at 6pm in every time zone. so California will get raptured three hours before New York.

    1. Biel_ze_Bubba

      Samoa is gonna be pissed … they just jumped to the wrong side of the international date line!

  15. __kth__

    8-1, including both of Barry's Kenyan appointees, for "because the cops say so". Must get high now.

  16. Lionel[redacted]Esq

    Come on over here, baby, I want to do a thing with you.-

    A Cop, arresting a non-groovy person after the revolution

    Firesign Theater

    1. Biel_ze_Bubba

      Firesign? You're dating yourself pretty severely there.
      *walks into a gray sandstone building*

  17. Lionel[redacted]Esq

    So, this is what Sharia law looks like. I guess we will all have to go to Oklahoma to spark our bud without the cops getting to us.

  18. alaninthecastro

    "In October 2009, the Justice Department declared that prosecuting medical-marijuana users and caregivers who clearly comply with state laws was not a wise use of its resources. That declaration has dominated public perception of President Barack Obama’s policy on the issue—minimal progress, but is a welcome improvement on his predecessors. In reality, however, the Obama administration has attacked medical-marijuana providers on several fronts. Since January 2010, it has staged more than 90 raids on dispensaries and growers, according to figures collected by the patient-advocacy group Americans for Safe Access. That represents a pace double the Bush administration’s, says ASA spokesperson Kris Hermes. The administration has also threatened state officials with prosecution if they participate in licensing or regulating medical marijuana. The Internal Revenue Service has expanded auditing dispensaries for tax evasion, on the grounds that drug-trafficking enterprises cannot legally claim business-expense deductions." http://www.guernicamag.com/blog/2654/steven_wishn

    1. Dudleydidwrong

      Just because we're paranoid doesn't mean that they aren't reading, listening, and spying on us. " Hi, there, big NSA-guy! Wanna join in?"

  19. ttommyunger

    These fucking people are not rocket scientists or social workers. They are armed to the teeth and see the public as "them" in an "us and them" world. Best to hit the floor, remain still and mind your manners until things settle down. Being right isn't much good to a dead man.

    1. Cicada

      Of course people shouldn't start crap with a cop when their home is being raided, but following the rules is no guarantee that you won't be shot and killed by the police. If the police can accidentally shoot a seven year-old little girl or an unarmed grandfather lying on the floor, we know anyone can be killed during one of these raids.

      That's the reason why making it easier for police to raid our homes bothers me. It just seems like begging for more tragedies.

      1. ttommyunger

        The ominously named “Homeland Security Act” and the National Hysteria over potential additional terror attacks (promoted by the media for ratings and our Government for power) has produced a militarization of our police services which is as unhealthy as it is unprecedented. I come from the school that teaches a gentlemanly and gracious approach initially to all but the most dangerous situations. I was taught I can always go from gentleman to asshole, but once having gone “asshole” there is no going back in a situation. I speak with some authority on the matter having been a local officer, Lieutenant in charge of a Federal Swat Team and Academy Instructor of both recruits and supervisory officers during my career in Law Enforcement. As a footnote, may I add I never actively sought any of the positions listed; I was recruited or simply assigned, including my initial job in the field.

          1. ttommyunger

            Sorry, I'm too ( Choose one) : old, out of touch, dumb to get your reference, Chet.

  20. vodkamuppet

    Yeah, I was 16 and still idealistic enough to think I actually had any rights. The cops said they were going to let me off with a warning (translation: "we just waisted a bunch of money destroying your house for absolutely no reason and we'd like to forget about it") but he wanted to sit there and shout at me in my own house for an hour before 'letting me off light' and I snapped on him. In retrospect not a good idea but I was correct when I told the fat lump of shit that I'd bail myself out in an hour. They even tried to get me to sign a false statement saying they had actually found pot but even at that age I wasn't that fucking stupid.

  21. MiniMencken

    If it was a 5-to-4 vote, I would just grit my teeth, but 8-to-1 in favor of this interpretation? I'm breaking out the Depends in anticipation of the next Supreme Court decision.

  22. angryclownspawn

    Haha! I had that bumper sticker on my car during the Bush administration. I peeled it off after Obama won. In hindsight…

  23. GOPCrusher

    I suppose next will be proclaiming the Miranda Rights unconstitutional and we can return to those glorious times when a suspect can be compelled to confess at the end of a rubber hose.

  24. DailyGrumbles

    "You are the DEAD! Stay exactly where you are. Make no attempt to move until you've been boarded…"

  25. BZ1

    What constitutes the sounds of evidence being destroyed? flushing a toilet? I can imagine the goodies that the police will obtain in that search…

  26. Beowoof

    It clearly is no where near the level of importance of the second amendment. After all any reading of the second amendment clearly shows I have the right to protect my home and family and hunt with a .50 caliber machine gun and some rocket launchers. The ferocity of the whte tail deer is well documented.

Comments are closed.