it's morning in america

Proto-Bristol Palin: Schwarzenegger Fathered Kid With ‘the Help’

Hey, it's that guy from Star Trek!

  • Ten years ago, the Culture of Life was going strong. How do we know this? Arnold Schwarzenegger got one of his maids pregnant a decade ago, and she went through with it, having the kid and pretending her husband was the father. Yay! We’re so happy for that maid! Wasn’t it great that she Chose Life? She will now get to team up with Bristol Palin (assuming she’s not one of those Messicans and can speak English or whatever it is those Palins communicate in) and parade the kid across the country as it TERMINATES teen abortion with all the strength of a grandchild of a Nazi. None of those Kennedy broads-on-the-side ever had a baby, right? That’s how you know Arnold is a Republican. And all of this is why his wife left him. [LAT]
  • The Briton queen is finally visiting Ireland. Does she have a death wish? Don’t those people hate her? Yes: A bomb was found on a bus, and multiple threats have shut down parts of London. People getting worked up about a powerless old lady in a hat with little dogs is why America is still kicking Europe’s ass. [Guardian]
  • Tommy Thompson is running for U.S. Senate. Okay, there are people less powerful than that old British pensioner. [Politico]
  • Thailand has more tigers than everyone thought! It must be hiding these Tigers of Mass Destruction in secret facilities! Time to bomb those lady-men so we fight those tigers over there, not here. [Guardian]

About the author

Jack Stuef is your loyal editor and a freelance satirist or something like that. He is a contributing writer for The Onion. E-mail him or whatever.

View all articles by Jack Stuef
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    1. Terry

      …and she stayed as the housekeeper for ten years after she became pregnant. I hope he paid her a frickin fortune.

    2. horsedreamer_1

      Arnold's lost a little bit of hair, so he needed to reveal something to top John Ensign.

    3. Lascauxcaveman

      I was wondering why that old let's-change-the-constitution-so-Arnold-can-run-for-president thing so suddenly lost steam a few years back.

          1. Angry_Marmot

            As revealed by Speaker James G. Blaine, the continental liar from the state of Maine.

    1. Extemporanus

      Since your time zone-advantaged ass beat me to my first choice, I will simply add:

      Onan the Barbarian

        1. Extemporanus

          HST as of this morning, but PST circa 1997 as of later this afternoon after I arrive in Los Angeles and travel back in time to Cyberdyne Systems headquarters and reprogram Skynet to prevent your Series 800 Commentater from being so quick and effective at attacking every goddamn thread.

          1. Barb

            I made a Top Ten list of the most interesting people here and named you as #1. Does that give me a shot at redemption?

    2. C_R_Eature

      "Your clothes…giff dem to me."

      That line works like a charm with the help. Apparently.

    1. OneDollarJuana

      Expressions of fondnesss shocking! This from a country that derives a good portion of it's income from whores who shoot ping pong balls across the room from their hoohahs, and arrange sex tours for German men who like underage boys, and have food named "porn", for goodness sakes.

      1. tessiee

        "have food named "porn", for goodness sakes"

        Hot dogs with eclairs for dessert? Tacos with cream puffs for dessert?

    1. SexySmurf

      I think the husband became suspicious when the housekeeper insisted on naming the kid Meal Ticket.

      1. horsedreamer_1

        When she said, "Que lo llamemos 'Boleto'", the husband heard 'Bolero', & thought, That's unusual, but I do like those sounds.

    1. zappadoo76

      Wonketeers: you really gotta click on that Youtube link. It's Arnold, as a youth, comparing weightlifting to cumming.

      1. poncho_pilot

        thanks. i really should have made it clearer what the clip was.

        "it's like i'm coming all the time."

        1. Lascauxcaveman

          Y'know, I bet you could sell that name to the marketing department at Taco Bell.

      1. Janinthepan

        As I laugh aloud, a little voice in my head tells me I'm going to hell for it.

    1. Chillwaver

      "Are you sure it's not a tumah?"
      "Yes, I'm sure"
      "Quick, get to the choppahhh!"

      Edit: sorry, I know it's lame…but somebody had to say it!

    2. SorosBot

      When Maria found out about the kid and left, she announced it with "Conseedar dat a deevorce."

  1. Goonemeritus

    What the hell is the point of having house hold staff if you can’t even have sexy time with them anymore? This war on our traditional values has got to stop.

      1. tessiee

        And Strom Thurmond values (although he's a contemporary of Jefferson, so it's hard to say who copied whom).

  2. elviouslyqueer

    That pic of Tommy Thompson really begs the question: is having four chins some kind of GOP requirement?

    1. Lascauxcaveman

      Only for the men. Take Michele Bachman for example; just one perky little chin (+neck wattles).

  3. freakishlywrong

    I shot my Ahnold load on the last post. All I've got left is he's got to have balls of steel to fuck around on a woman with teeth like Maria's. Like the fucking Langoliers.

  4. Dr_Zoidberg

    And is anyone surprised by this news of a secret baby? Ah, family values Republican'ts.

    1. Lascauxcaveman

      Eh, the real Republicans always thought Arnie was a RINO anyway. Something about him not being willing to burn down all the public schools and execute all the illegal Mexicans.

    2. GOPCrusher

      I think at this point, the Republiklans are just glad that Ahnuld didn't rape her, and he had sexy time with a woman.

    3. arihaya

      wait until you see in FOX news :

      "Arnold Schwarzenegger (D- California) fathered a child with household staff"

  5. V572..whatever

    Thompson is one of Chimpy's gubernor buddies, like Tom Ridge, only possibly stupider. He was HHS secretary for a while and — had to google this, but it's true — ran for Prez in 2008. How could that have not worked out?

    1. horsedreamer_1

      Also a known philanderer, with a breast-cancer surving wife. So, at least, unlike Edwards, Tommy wasn't spurning a dying wife.

    2. mereoblivion

      It started not working out when he insulted Jews at a gathering of Jews, and well, things just kinda stank deeper into the toilet after that. But we love comebacks here in the Badyour State, so . . .

    3. Rotundo_

      He might have been a little too folksy for people, even in Iowa. When one conjugates the verb "to think" as I tink, Dey tank, We tunk, it tends to make people wonder about one's abilities to lead beyond leading rubes with money into the donation room. Then Walker came along and made him look like a fucking genius.

  6. Doktor Zoom

    Maria: Arnold, are you going to tell me the truth about that woman, or am I going to have to call my lawyer, or what?


    Arnold: Fuck you, asshole.

  7. SorosBot

    Considering how our glorious media is totally unbiased and objective, they will surely treat Republican Arnold Schwarzenegger as if he is one of the worst scumbags who has ever lived over this, just like they did with Democratic John Edwards. Right?

      1. PsycWench

        and the maid has to give a breathy interview full of new age babble to Vanity Fair. It helps if she is photographed with no pants on posing with a Dora the Explorer doll.

        1. Lascauxcaveman

          Lookin' forward to it.

          Be fun to see how my wife reacts to this one. She's always been a big Ahnuld fan, and having grown up in a liberal Catholic background, she practically worships the Kennedy clan.

          1. riverside68

            Catholic-woman-kennedy v. steroid movie star attachment

            I don't think she's going to be on the fence long.

    1. V572..whatever

      Well the Repubes in CA had declared a jihad on him while he was still in office, but for political reasons, not the out-of-context fucking.

    2. Gopherit

      To be fair, Arnie was never particularly hypocritical in this regard. Edwards, on the other hand, really stuck it to Bill Clinton to help his failed run in 2000. Karma is a bitch, and Bill Clinton has a long memory. Just wait…..he and Arnie will be playing golf in no time.

    3. problemwithcaring

      Yep. LA Times won't publish the name of the mistress. I am trying to decide if this officially means the Times has less journalistic standards than The Enquirer.

      1. Biel_ze_Bubba

        It'll be on Ahnold's tax returns — unless he ducked the nanny tax. (Not that a Republican would ever dodge taxes or anything.)

  8. KeepFnThatChicken

    What is up with this spate of "foreigner sexing foreigners in America" stories this week?

    1. tessiee

      It's springtime!
      The flowers are blooming, the birds are singing, powerful white men are sexually assaulting their servants…

  9. prommie

    Looks like Arnold pumped up the maid.

    Tommy Thompson and Tom Ridge, those two guys are the poster-children for brain-dead chamber of commerce hack-morons. The faces of dumb. They are inspirational, in a way; they show the level of achievement that Trig Palin can aspire to. Idiots.

    1. Rotundo_

      Oh, but to the Wisconsin GOP, Tommy walks on water just like St. Ronald did. Tommy jumping in is a serious development. He may be an idiot, but he is a beloved idiot in the conservative households of Wisconsin.

    1. Gopherit

      Yeah, I can hear it now. "Oh, Mr Schwarzenegger….I'd love to work on your staff!"

      That's a line made for porn.

      1. MrFizzy

        "Maria, do you always wear dat bootiful black garter when you mopping my battroom? It's so nice I vant to take it off of you."

  10. V572..whatever

    It was all the Central Valley "cuisine" in Sacramento that was fattening her up. Now she can get rid of those last few vanity pounds.

    1. berkeleyfarm

      I thought she and the kids stayed in Brentwood. She's probably going to be off the rubber chicken circuit for a while, though.

    1. tessiee

      No need to go to all that extra trouble. The woman hasn't had a square meal since the Carter Administration. Bring her a lovely spring bouquet and some Twinkies.

  11. owhatever

    It's not about sex. It's about lying. Well, yeah, it's about sex too. Gotta love the family values crowd. Can we see the birf certificate?

  12. Arken

    You left out the part that he didn't bother telling Maria about any of this until he left the governor's office a few months ago.

    1. proudgrampa

      I suspect that Maria knew a long time before that… She is, after all, a "journalist."

      1. undeterredbyreality

        And she's not a Kennedy if she didn't know that maids don't usually make that kind of money.

    2. riverside68

      How about not telling his baby moma he was telling?

      She got a call from the press about her kid, she said her husband is the father. When told Arnhold was claiming paternity, she hung up.

      Classy Arnhold

  13. PsycWench

    What are those people going to have to blog about when Americans no longer see gay rights as an issue?

    1. elviouslyqueer

      Oh, they'll always have abortion. Gotta protect the rights of those precious future non-tax-paying, hoverround-driving, Tea Partying wingnuts little fetuses.

  14. user-of-owls

    "No, Arnold, it's not a tumor and all the wishing in the world won't magically change a fetus into one."

  15. SorosBot

    Despite the attempt to bomb the queen, our wingnuts will still claim that all terrorists are brown people, and Rep. Pete King probably still supports the would-be bombers.

  16. Gopherit

    You gotta hand it to those Kennedy women. Politics first, but keep the stiletto ready for retirement day.

    Oh, yeah, And Arnie is a cheating scumbag. Duh.

    1. uɐɯǝʌɐɔxnɐɔsɐl

      Arnie and many, many others. When the time comes, I'm going to tell my daughters: When you marry the Alpha dog, you're gonna have to expect this. The big ego just won't let these guys pass on the free nookie.

      (e.g. JFK, Bill Clinton, dozens of senators, hundreds of congressmen, athletes, TV actors, etc. Most of them on their 3rd, 4th, or 5th wife.)

  17. horsedreamer_1

    I hope Wills & Kate have an easier go of it on their tour of Canada.

    I also want them to make part of their marital coming-out a stop at the Stampede in Calgary. Kate trying to make it 8 seconds on a bull. (15/16th!)

    1. berkeleyfarm

      Although (in thread convergence) the initial news reports that said they were coming to California said that Ah-nuld would be hosting them.

  18. GregComlish

    That's why God invented anal. And BJ. And blowing your load on her tits. There's no wrong answer, really, with one notable exception.

        1. horsedreamer_1

          Reduced to making Nanny Mc Phee II while ex Kenneth Branagh is making bank directing surefire comic-book blockbusters.

  19. SaintRond

    You vill play vit mein veiner! You vill play vit mein veiner, unt you vill like it! She made der veiner schnitzel just like mein dear mutter unt der Hartz Mountains vere day maken der birdseed, so yah I maken der splooge unt der legs to splash down all over der shoes unt she maken der baby! Achtou scheisser!!!

  20. James Michael Curley

    Can only get half a million in their boycott? Home Depot does not base it's long term growth prospects on the number of double wide trailer patio awnings it sells.

  21. notreelyhelping

    Man, I hope it comes out he's still blowing weed. That would just be too perfect.

  22. rhubarbpie2

    Everybody's ignoring the obvious lesson from the Thai tiger story: If Maria Shriver had just taken the same approach as those researchers — who used "camera traps" and observed more tigers than expected — she would have known about this a long time ago.

    1. tessiee

      Are we sure that she didn't?
      Also, one upfist for your name. I remember my Mom growing rhubarb in the back yard and making strawberry-rhubarb pie from scratch.

  23. ThundercatHo

    So that's why Bristol is moving to L.A. While the gay, black houseboys babysit TrapperKeeper, she's gonna be gettin' herself some (previously) hot, Aryan, manmeat. That little french maid outfit is probably already packed.

  24. GregComlish

    Why isn't the media identifying Arnold's bastard child? How is she supposed to get her own reality TV show if she looses out on this chance to become Tabloid fodder?

  25. Lascauxcaveman

    I get the funny spoonerism, but spurning beer is something I would never even consider.

  26. vulpes82

    Ahnold to the houskeeper: "Ahn your bahck!"

    Also, I wonder how many Kennedy bastards are knocking about. They must be strewn about New England and Washington like confetti after New Year's.

    1. horsedreamer_1

      So, their electoral prospects aren't doomed?

      At least that's something to counter the continued Bush dynasty (Jeb 2016… or '12, if you beg).

  27. BerkeleyBear

    Tommy Thompson is running for Senate. Ralph Reed is back as a power broker on the right (hosting a big confab with all the top current suspects/GOP presidential wannabes). Mitch Daniels is a serious contender in GOP circles.

    I know the GOP thinks Americans are idiots, but do they think they are amnesiacs, too? What's next – Tom Ridge as a VP candidate? Alberto Gonzales running for Congress?

  28. PostApocalypse

    I don't think this is what he meant when he said, "To hear the lamentations of the women."

  29. user-of-owls

    Yes, BUT…who's our resident oy-boy now? Where will we turn for Zvi's unique hybrid of Talmudic intelligence and Catskills-esque tasteful humor??

    Seriously, won't someone think of the bubby jokes!?!

  30. zappadoo76

    Schwarznegger, Strauss-Kahn, Assange, Edwards, Wolfowitz. Self-hoisted into ignominy. And for what? Pussy. All for pussy. It's not that great, guys. Nothing is that great.

    1. KeepFnThatChicken

      Bullshit. It was for power. I'm a big fan of sexytime, but I'm not bangin' everything that walks by, and neither am I trying to. Control isn't always easy, but it helps to have an even keel.

      Just think about what these leaders actually lost because they let something control them to this extent. I hate advertising, but I love the line that says "Power is nothing without control."

      1. tessiee

        Yeah, I have to agree with The Chicken, here (unlike Peter Griffin!).
        If it was just about pussy, these guys could have walked into any massage parlor — or for that matter, any pick-up bar — and gotten laid, especially if they started waving a fistful of hundred-dollar bills around.

  31. tessiee

    Yeah, you thought she was ready to kill him BEFORE this came to light?
    She must be walking around the house with a butcher knife now, thinking about all the food she *could* have eaten:
    "Son of a bitching asshole… mutter… starved myself for nothing… mutter… haven't had a fucking french fry in 20 years… mutter… "

  32. mavenmaven

    Gotta figure that one of the four people involved will end up on Dancing With the Stars.

  33. fartknocker

    My gorgeous wife and I were watching this event on the teevee last night. She told me "Honey, if you ever did that to me I would kill you." Being a good husband I told her "Babe, I can assure you that I will never, ever run for Governor of California."

  34. crybabyboehner

    The husband should have known something was fishy when the kid's first words were, "Let's go to Mars."

  35. MistaEko

    Soundboard comedy pyramid!

    - He lacks discipline!

    - Now we know who is his daddy, and what does he do!

    - To pound your staffers, to see them ridden on top of you, and to hear the lamentations of the political media!

  36. Biel_ze_Bubba

    Does this mean that Maria didn't buy the time-traveling alter-ego alternative-time-line excuse?

  37. thefrontpage


    You should not drink and govern.

    Let off some steam, hired help!

    Consider that a divorce!

    I'll be back door. Nah, forget that.

    &$#* you, maid!

    Talk to the hands!

    I know now why you cry. But it is something I can never do. Goodbye.

    Come with me if you want a baby.

  38. denverite

    Brits are saying, please take this £100000000/yr taxpayer funded family. Please!

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