The Top ‘Enemies of Democracy,’ According To Google

  half-assed uninspired listicles

Obviously.This is according to our Google for “enemy of democracy,” not your Google, but whatever:

1. Jon Stewart
2. America
3. WikiLeaks
4. Barack Obama
5. George Soros
6. Oil
7. ACLU
8. Ibrahim Babangida’s 1993 presidential election result annulment speech
9. government secrecy
10. Love, as practiced by the Thai
11. Islam
12. Israel
13. this guy, when he’s wearing his Halloween costume
14. government secrecy
15. the West
16. judges
17. Wisconsin state government
18. Islam
19. Gen. Muhammadu Buhari
20. Jon Stewart
21. theocracy
22. political assassination
23. Jon Stewart
24. free speech
25. corporate power

Obviously, it’s either Jon Stewart or that guy in the Halloween costume.

This is an illustration of how everyone in politics basically gets along and can come to easy solutions these days with out stabbing the evil out of one another. Pretty soon one of the sides is going to just win everything, we think! [Google]

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Jack Stuef is your loyal editor and a freelance satirist or something like that. He is a contributing writer for The Onion. E-mail him or whatever.

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169 comments

  1. jdoleman

    I get in order; Jon Stewart, America, Islamics, Wikileaks and Oil.

    Must be the Euro-liberal the google I get here.

    1. noodlesalad

      My Singapore Google says "Ignorance" and "Inequality." Pretty sad that my one-party state gets it right.

  2. orygoon

    Makes me a little nostalgic for those halcyon schoolchild "duck and cover" days, when it was ever so much clearer what the enemy of democracy was. But maybe that was just because we didn't have The Google to confuse us?

  3. Arken

    So Alf is not one of the enemies of Democracy? Damn you and your suggestive imagery, Wonkette!

      1. SorosBot

        THEN WE MUST INVADE MELMAC – AND ALSO ORK, BECAUSE THEY HAVE WMDs (MAYBE) AND WE DON'T LIKE THEM EVEN THOUGH THEY HAD NOTHING TO DO WITH IT

        1. poncho_pilot

          faggy, pretentious Krypton has criticized our decision to invade Melmac. we will no longer super size our combo meals. we will freedom size them.

    1. Sparky_McGruff

      I'm pretty sure ALF is an enemy of cat-democracy, along with vacuum cleaners. Damn vacuum cleaners!

    1. bflrtsplk

      If it makes you feel any better, I think they have you listed in a tie for 27th with John Lennon and Graucho Marx.

  4. Barb

    Political assassination? Now are we going to feel regret that we put Bin Laden's eye out because there is an off chance that they have 3-D movies in hell and he's hobbled?

  5. seppdecker

    Halloween Costume guy:

    a Frazetta-esque barbarian poster,

    an Evil Ernie calendar(?!),

    and a North Face windbreaker that undercuts his bandoleer and keffiyeh look.

    I think he was going for a touch of evil, but got a touch of something else.

    1. Crank_Tango

      i think the north face windbreaker is campus camouflage…going for that "quad jihad" kinda look.
      Ladies wear uggs.

  6. DaRooster

    Jon Stewart is to democracy as Newt Gingrich is to monogamy… what? He's had multiple affairs? Wow… then… NO… its the opposite.

  7. x111e7thst

    I'm surprised that all the stuff that is causing tornadoes and floods is not on the list Abortion, gay marriage, uppity women who don't know their place etc.

  8. SpurningBeer

    And where is Acorn on the list? What could be more anti-democracy than registering poor people to vote?

    Okay, maybe voter suppression. But Alberto Gonzalez isn't on the list either.

    1. horsedreamer_1

      Needs more Hans von Spakovsky.

      & that sounds foreign. Where's your birf certif'cate, Hansy?

  9. Lionel[redacted]Esq

    Wait, so the Jews were behind 9/11?

    And what the fuck. I've been posting to this site for nearly six years, and I don't even make the top 100? Some gratitude.

    However, they are right, Love, as practiced by the Thai, will ruin democracy. In fact, I believe David Vitter has already organized a trip to investigate.

    1. BaldarTFlagass

      I bet you've got a lot of nice ties. Would you like to tie me up with some of your ties, Ty?

      1. NorthStarSpanx

        I think babies go commando or wear cloth diapers in Thailand, wouldn't that crimp Vitter's style?

      2. tessiee

        "I bet you've got a lot of nice ties."

        Random guy: You like Thai?
        Homer Simpson, a/k/a Max Power: Tie good. You like shirt?

  10. Warpde

    Well now. Didn't take long for Wonkette to make the list.
    Ha Ha….#6 on my Google, with a bullet.

    "The Top 'Enemies of Democracy,' According To Google
    16 May 2011 … This is according to our Google for “enemy of democracy,” not your Google, but whatever: 1. Jon Stewart 2. America 3. WikiLeaks 4.
    wonkette.com/…/the-top-results-for-enemy-of-democracy-according-to-google"

  11. gef05

    I was surprised when I saw #1 was Jon Stewart.

    Then I saw the "research" was from East Carolina "University", "Where the Roadkill Stew Touches the Stars".

    1. DahBoner

      Yeah, obviously the #1 enemy of democracy is the G.O.P., which puts it's interests, and the interests of the internationalists ahead of America and the American people (who are not in the Richest 0.01%)….

    2. zhubajie

      So where does E. Carolina U. fit on the Bob Jones scale? Unaccredited, natch, but does it actually teach anything of any value?

      1. horsedreamer_1

        Their sports teams are known as the Pirates. So, hipsters like 'em.

        East Carolina vs. Seton Hall would be like an Arcade Fire/Fleet Foxes co-headlining performance at the Pitchfork Festival, then, I suppose.

    1. DahBoner

      "27. Giving Up on Gay Men"

      Something every Republican tries to do, but is unable (see Larry Craig).

      Once again, this is part and parcel to the actual #1 threat: The GOP….

    1. Dudleydidwrong

      Saw a Koch Transportation truck at a service plaza on the PA Turnpike yesterday. I wanted to ram it but A) I figured that all the kochs would fall out on the ground causing a mass stampede that would tie up world traffic for hours, and B) my tiny 40 mpg car would only fit under the big Koch truck and there would be no notice of my kamikaze strike for democracy. Kochs belong on the list. At the top.

    2. zhubajie

      They are friends of North Korean style democracy, but with the Koches in charge, instead of the Kims.

  12. thebeatgoeson

    My google search for -enemas of democracy- yielded this gem "In a political sense, Sri Lankan elections are public enemas administered by the state apothecary to dehydrate democracy." I think Glenn and Rush and Sean need enemas of democracy – they're so full of shit it's affecting their thought processes.

      1. NorthStarSpanx

        Idle youth is now represented by Kim Kardashian, Levi Johnston, Bristol Palin, et. al, so it's the new measure of success.

    1. tessiee

      "Idle youth didn’t make the cut WTF"

      They may spend the winters undermining democracy, but when spring arrives and the weather warms up, they switch to trespassing on crabby old people's lawns.

      1. Goonemeritus

        Not my lawn if my two intemperate border collies have anything to say about it.

  13. Blendergoathead

    If you've ever practiced Thai love, you would fucking wonder why it wasn't in the top five. You also need a chiropractor afterwards.

    1. DahBoner

      "If you've ever practiced Thai love, you would fucking wonder why it wasn't in the top five."

      One night in Bangkok makes a hard man humble.

      I get my kicks above the waistline, Sunshine…

  14. iburl

    Cool! This very Wonkette article is now the 3rd biggest enemy of democracy in my Google! Congrats, pigs!

  15. el_donaldo

    This post is now number five in that search.

    I clicked on that Jon Stewart link. It led to an old Richard Morin column torquing bad science to reach unremarkable wingnut conclusions: i.e., Stewart's fans are cynical slackers, and Democrats are the real racists because Republicans are principled in their racism. Conservative columnists = enemies of the smart.

  16. Slim_Pickins

    Are we talking Democracy or democracy? If its the former its the GOP, if its the latter its the republicans.

    1. DahBoner

      In other words, willful, intentional ignorance is the #1 on my list: The GOP.

      Well played!

  17. Beowoof

    I see the downfister for democracy has been through. I am fighting back for commie fascism, Kenyan socialism.

    1. DahBoner

      They are employed by either #1 G.O.P. or #2 Koch brothers, so they're really a wholey-owned subsidary….

  18. arihaya

    Jon Stewart is already an American, he read Wikileaks news, and he is had hosted Barry in his show, and he is of Jewish descent like Soros

    now if he is a Muslin he will the ULTIMATE enemy of democracy

      1. bflrtsplk

        Satin is smooth and slinky. Satan breathes fire. You could make the case either way with Stewart.

  19. Callyson

    The internet is no match for Nixon's paranoia. In fact, the internet would have made his enemies list if it had existed then.

  20. CountryClubJihadi

    Since Islam is listed at #11 and #18, Surah 11:18 says: And if We hold back from them the punishment for a limited time, they will surely say, "What detains it?" Unquestionably, on the Day it comes to them, it will not be averted from them, and they will be enveloped by what they used to ridicule.
    Meanwhile, if you click "shopping" you can get a Hilary Clinton Enemy of Democracy poster for $39.

    1. DahBoner

      Since most G.O.P. call themselves "Christian Conservative Republicants", I think Christianity is a subset of the #1 threat: G.O.P.

  21. pinkocommi

    Is it opposite day today? Faux News and Dick Cheney surely should make the top 25.

  22. predilectrix

    Jon-Stewart #1 listing comes from 2006, when he was the enemy of democracy as practiced by the Cheney cabal, so, really more of a frenemy.

  23. Mahousu

    OK, all of these things may be enemies of democracy, but can they actually win? The answer may surprise you.

    Going to this informative site, I checked out the prospects of democracy against some of the named opponents above. It did not fare well. The only ones it defeated outright were George Soros and the ACLU, but I figure that's because they usually battle by proxy. While at first blush, democracy does beat Jon Stewart, I believe that is an artifact of Internet spelling skills; when you combine Jon Stewart and John Stewart, democracy loses.

    Surprisingly, WikiLeaks and Barack Obama only defeated democracy by small margins, so they might not be quite the bogeymen we thought.

    Islam, oil, and America all defeated democracy by enormous margins – 10-1 in some cases. There's your real threat, peoples.

  24. alaninthecastro

    Why is that guy in his Halloween costume giving the "Hook 'em horns" sign? Is the University of Texas an enemy of democracy? Could be!

    1. DahBoner

      Bill O' Reilly once said that Madison was a town of Satanists, but UT seems to be aligned with the devil.

      Too bad for the UT football program the world will end this week…

  25. Redhead

    Jon Stewart gets to be 1, 20 and 23? If he can be in 3 places at once, wouldn't that make him more like God than anything?

    1. DahBoner

      I think the GOP is #1, and Barry is trying to represent all of America, including the batshit crazy Republicans, so we can lump Barry in with the #1 threat, the G.O.P…

  26. Rotundo_

    If one has to find out who the "enemies of democracy" are by Googling it, one would be dumb enough to believe most of that shit. I'd call 95% of that crap. Which just happens to support the old theory that 95% of everything is crap. Damn, that means that 95% of this post is crap as well. Self fulfilling prophecies are us, oh well, when the righties are raptured and the angels bearing them aloft are ruptured, we get all their cigar stank-ed SUV's guns and porn. Is that a good thing?

  27. SudsMcKenzie

    If "Love, as practiced by the Thai" isn't Democratic, I don't want to be Democratic.

  28. user-of-owls

    Takeaway:

    When Jon Stewart engages in Love, as practiced by Thai, with George Soros in defiance of government secrecy and protest of Ibrahim Babangida’s 1993 presidential election result annulment speech, he damn better use Oil.

    Am I missing something?

  29. Doktor Zoom

    Jon Stewart is clearly in good company:

    DONT ARSK US ABOUT:
    rocks
    troll's with sticks
    All sorts of dragons
    Mrs Cake
    Huje green things with teeth
    Any kinds of black dogs with orange eyebrows
    Rains of spaniel's
    fog
    Mrs Cake

  30. DashboardBuddha

    This illustrates perfectly why we should do away with all kinds of campaigns and voting. It's inefficient. Let's just run the question through Google and Boom! Referendum!

    1. Doktor Zoom

      Fine, if you want Ibrahim Babangida to be president for life.

      Actually, I suppose we'd end up with whoever /b/ wanted to be president. Could be Ibrahim Babangida, could be Pedobear.

    2. MadBrahms

      The way government contracting works, they'd probably outsource the whole thing to Bing. That might not end so well.

    1. MadBrahms

      My bedroom? Jesus, I hope not. I've got enough monsters living underneath my furniture already.

    2. horsedreamer_1

      Where have you gone, Gaylord Nelson? A newly-polluted river turns his lonely eyes toward you….

  31. Doktor Zoom

    Speaking of enemies of democracy, PBS's American Experience is running an outstanding documentary on the Freedom Riders. Those on the Left Coast can still catch it, and it should be on the web tomorrow, I think.

    Jesus Christ. I wonder if Rand Paul thinks that it's a bad thing that bus companies no longer have the personal choice to exclude anyone they want…

  32. Aisai

    In Japan we get: 1. Jon Stewart 2. Religions 3. America 4. America 5. Translation of "enemy of democracy" into Japanese 6. America 7. America 8. America

    OUR BESTEST ASIAN FRIENDS

  33. Worthly[♬♪♬♪♫♪♬]Skum

    OK, now this article is the #1 Google result for "top enemies of democracy" and #2 is a Forbes article about this article. WTF?

  34. DaRooster

    Wait just a cotton pickin' minute… I LOVE CHAI… it is delicious and in no way is it anti-democratic… Oh… THAI… yeah that shit is horrific.

  35. obfuscator2

    wait, paul ryan just solved our problem. rape the poor, fuck the middle class, blow the rich.

    big bill haywood would have shot paul ryan in the fucking head.

  36. DaRooster

    '…of this age group watched "The Daily Show" and only 23 percent of show viewers followed "hard news" programs closely."

    I love the "hard news" bit… kinda like there is no such thing.

  37. Negropolis

    But, "both sides do it", right? But, you better believe the obtuse Sarah Palin is trying her damndest to make it back on this list of infamy, 'cause the bisch don't know no better, poor thing.

    What's embarrassing about this is that this list is better than the Times 100.

    1. AddHomonym

      No, both sides don't do it!!!!1!

      Ha ha, I've taken the opposite opinion, so now yours is — ipso facto, post propter hoc, chemin de fer — an extreme view!

  38. Negropolis

    I call bullshit.

    Where is Justin Bieber, Dennys, and the The Real Housewives of Fill-in-the-Blank"?

        1. Doktor Zoom

          Cum in me if you want to live.

          EDIT: I'll be back…with a paternity suit.

          EDIT EDIT: Listen, and understand. Maria's lawyers and the tabloid press are out there.They can't be bargained with. They can't be reasoned with. They don't feel pity, or remorse, or fear. And they absolutely will not stop, ever, until you are dead. Or even after that–look at Elvis.

    1. SorosBot

      Guess we can joke about Arny's lovechild here, then cut & paste if/when that gets fixed. Here goes:

      Considering how our glorious media is totally unbiased and objective, they will surely treat Republican Arnold Schwarzenegger as if he is one of the worst scumbags who has ever lived over this, just like they did with Democratic John Edwards. Right?

  39. DaRooster

    New top enemy-
    Wonkette… for feeding us an Ahnold story without the ability to comment… Pinko shit man…

  40. owhatever

    Now I have to GOOG who the hell is Ibrahim Babangida. Did Jon Stewart have him on the Daily Show or sumthin?

  41. PostApocalypse

    More support for my separate but equal theory:

    voter = democratic! (well.. yeah.)
    motor = democratic! (fuck yeah!)
    motor-voter = undemocratic!

    rap = awesome!
    metal = awesome!
    rap-metal = lame!

  42. Chet Kincaid

    I think there's a typo: Jon Stewart is actually the enemy of DEMOCRATS, as he demonstrated by holding a gigantic rally days before the 2010 elections at which he asked his followers to….do nothing.

    No, I will not let it go.

  43. Beanball

    Except for the Jon Stewart reference, I have a very idiosyncratic Google, apparently. I didn't bother to read the top ten, but I do have the Top Six (!), with ties in several places:

    Jon Stewart
    Wonkette
    graduates of Bard college
    iPad / xBox
    religious radicalism, populism and the Chinese state model
    the decline of the bigger [British] political parties

    Go figure.

  44. C_R_Eature

    Well, now. I’m surprised that Fluoridation, the Plot to Sap & Impurify our Precious Bodily Fluids hasn’t made the Top Ten. It’s just everywhere! Now they’re Fluoridating Ice Cream – Children’s Ice Cream, and…!
    What’s that? Oh, right…Fluoridation is a Tactic, like Terrorism. It would be madness for a society to, for example, declare war on a Tactic…

    Oh, right. Never mind.

  45. FrenchTwist40

    Yeah, Wonkette's on my list. Go Wonkette!

    Also, "The ipad and the xbox." And "American Idol." That last one, I totally agree with.

  46. Biel_ze_Bubba

    That WaPo article earned a huge double-take when it referred to "Jon Stewart's faux news program."

    And Wonkette is now #2 on the list! Can you imagine what those Soutwestern Eastern North Carolina researchers would conclude if they studied the Wonketeers?

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