half-assed uninspired listicles

The Top ‘Enemies of Democracy,’ According To Google

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Obviously.This is according to our Google for “enemy of democracy,” not your Google, but whatever:

1. Jon Stewart
2. America
3. WikiLeaks
4. Barack Obama
5. George Soros
6. Oil
7. ACLU
8. Ibrahim Babangida’s 1993 presidential election result annulment speech
9. government secrecy
10. Love, as practiced by the Thai
11. Islam
12. Israel
13. this guy, when he’s wearing his Halloween costume
14. government secrecy
15. the West
16. judges
17. Wisconsin state government
18. Islam
19. Gen. Muhammadu Buhari
20. Jon Stewart
21. theocracy
22. political assassination
23. Jon Stewart
24. free speech
25. corporate power

Obviously, it’s either Jon Stewart or that guy in the Halloween costume.

This is an illustration of how everyone in politics basically gets along and can come to easy solutions these days with out stabbing the evil out of one another. Pretty soon one of the sides is going to just win everything, we think! [Google]

About the author

Jack Stuef is your loyal editor and a freelance satirist or something like that. He is a contributing writer for The Onion. E-mail him or whatever.

View all articles by Jack Stuef

Comments

Hey there, Wonkeputians! Shypixel here to remind you to remember our Commenting Rules For Radicals, Enjoy!

  • jdoleman

    I get in order; Jon Stewart, America, Islamics, Wikileaks and Oil.

    Must be the Euro-liberal the google I get here.

    • noodlesalad

      My Singapore Google says "Ignorance" and "Inequality." Pretty sad that my one-party state gets it right.

  • orygoon

    Makes me a little nostalgic for those halcyon schoolchild "duck and cover" days, when it was ever so much clearer what the enemy of democracy was. But maybe that was just because we didn't have The Google to confuse us?

  • Arken

    So Alf is not one of the enemies of Democracy? Damn you and your suggestive imagery, Wonkette!

    • 4tehlulz_lite

      ALF DID WTC

      • Arken

        READ THE CONSTITUTION PEOPLE!

        • unclejeems

          OK, now what?

        • Negropolis

          It's in the BAH-bull. Look it up!

          • tessiee

            "IT'S IN REVELATIONS, PEOPLE!!"
            /Kent Brockman/

      • SorosBot

        THEN WE MUST INVADE MELMAC – AND ALSO ORK, BECAUSE THEY HAVE WMDs (MAYBE) AND WE DON'T LIKE THEM EVEN THOUGH THEY HAD NOTHING TO DO WITH IT

        • poncho_pilot

          faggy, pretentious Krypton has criticized our decision to invade Melmac. we will no longer super size our combo meals. we will freedom size them.

    • Texan_Bulldog

      He's pretty funny looking; I demand to see his birth certificate!

    • bagofmice

      Illegal alien, obviously.

    • Sparky_McGruff

      I'm pretty sure ALF is an enemy of cat-democracy, along with vacuum cleaners. Damn vacuum cleaners!

  • Sue4466

    Damn. I so wanted to make this list.

    • bflrtsplk

      If it makes you feel any better, I think they have you listed in a tie for 27th with John Lennon and Graucho Marx.

      • Sue4466

        A little, though I hear Zeppo's the Marx to beat.

  • Barb

    Political assassination? Now are we going to feel regret that we put Bin Laden's eye out because there is an off chance that they have 3-D movies in hell and he's hobbled?

    • MistaEko

      "Hey, why isn't Bin Laden on this list? Oh yeah! I got rid of him! HA! Killllllllllllled Bin Laden."
      http://www.hulu.com/watch/241601/saturday-night-l

    • MadBrahms

      Given the recent batch of 3-D movies, that would be an unintended favor.

    • LesBontemps

      Hell is watching 3D movies with one eye.

      • tessiee

        Hell is watching 3D movies.

        fxd

  • http://grandpaboy.blogspot.com/ seppdecker

    Halloween Costume guy:

    a Frazetta-esque barbarian poster,

    an Evil Ernie calendar(?!),

    and a North Face windbreaker that undercuts his bandoleer and keffiyeh look.

    I think he was going for a touch of evil, but got a touch of something else.

    • Crank_Tango

      i think the north face windbreaker is campus camouflage…going for that "quad jihad" kinda look.
      Ladies wear uggs.

  • DaRooster

    Jon Stewart is to democracy as Newt Gingrich is to monogamy… what? He's had multiple affairs? Wow… then… NO… its the opposite.

  • JoshuaNorton

    And Jon Stewart.

    Not to mention Jon Stewart.

    Stewart, Jon.

  • http://www.flickr.com/photos/30500320@N06/ DerrickWildcat

    26. The Up
    27. The Down

    • ProgressiveInga

      28. The Love that dare not speak its name.

      • horsedreamer_1

        Mandingo?

    • proudgrampa

      28. The Right.
      29. The Left.

  • x111e7thst

    I'm surprised that all the stuff that is causing tornadoes and floods is not on the list Abortion, gay marriage, uppity women who don't know their place etc.

  • MistaEko

    Man, Common fell out of the Power 25 really fast.

  • http://zvibleindmeis.tumblr.com/ SpurningBeer

    And where is Acorn on the list? What could be more anti-democracy than registering poor people to vote?

    Okay, maybe voter suppression. But Alberto Gonzalez isn't on the list either.

    • horsedreamer_1

      Needs more Hans von Spakovsky.

      & that sounds foreign. Where's your birf certif'cate, Hansy?

    • Callyson

      The New Black Panthers did not make it either. The wingnuts are getting lazy,

  • Lionel[redacted]Esq

    Wait, so the Jews were behind 9/11?

    And what the fuck. I've been posting to this site for nearly six years, and I don't even make the top 100? Some gratitude.

    However, they are right, Love, as practiced by the Thai, will ruin democracy. In fact, I believe David Vitter has already organized a trip to investigate.

    • http://timothysees.blogspot.com/ natl_indecency_cmdr

      we should all be so lucky.

    • zhubajie

      I think Dave would prefer the places J-pervs go….

    • BaldarTFlagass

      I bet you've got a lot of nice ties. Would you like to tie me up with some of your ties, Ty?

      • NorthStarSpanx

        I think babies go commando or wear cloth diapers in Thailand, wouldn't that crimp Vitter's style?

        • Lionel[redacted]Esq

          Nah…., It just means he will stand out more.

      • tessiee

        "I bet you've got a lot of nice ties."

        Random guy: You like Thai?
        Homer Simpson, a/k/a Max Power: Tie good. You like shirt?

    • http://www.storycorner.us/ JustPixelz

      You'll always be an Enemy of Democracy to me.

  • Warpde

    Well now. Didn't take long for Wonkette to make the list.
    Ha Ha….#6 on my Google, with a bullet.

    "The Top 'Enemies of Democracy,' According To Google
    16 May 2011 … This is according to our Google for “enemy of democracy,” not your Google, but whatever: 1. Jon Stewart 2. America 3. WikiLeaks 4.
    wonkette.com/…/the-top-results-for-enemy-of-democracy-according-to-google"

    • HipHop0Potamus

      Abed! Stop being meta.

  • gef05

    I was surprised when I saw #1 was Jon Stewart.

    Then I saw the "research" was from East Carolina "University", "Where the Roadkill Stew Touches the Stars".

    • DahBoner

      Yeah, obviously the #1 enemy of democracy is the G.O.P., which puts it's interests, and the interests of the internationalists ahead of America and the American people (who are not in the Richest 0.01%)….

      • http://whateveritisimagainstit.blogspot.com trampndirtdown

        The richest .001% are America pal.

    • zhubajie

      So where does E. Carolina U. fit on the Bob Jones scale? Unaccredited, natch, but does it actually teach anything of any value?

      • gef05

        All jokes aside, they have a reasonable Nursing program.

        • tessiee

          I was going to enroll, but then my milk dried up.

      • horsedreamer_1

        Their sports teams are known as the Pirates. So, hipsters like 'em.

        East Carolina vs. Seton Hall would be like an Arcade Fire/Fleet Foxes co-headlining performance at the Pitchfork Festival, then, I suppose.

  • Warpde

    Dammit. Who left the door open?
    Upfist time.

  • Extemporanus

    26. Dignity
    27. Giving Up on Gay Men

    (Or do those count as one?)

    • DahBoner

      "27. Giving Up on Gay Men"

      Something every Republican tries to do, but is unable (see Larry Craig).

      Once again, this is part and parcel to the actual #1 threat: The GOP….

  • nounverb911

    Where are the Koch boys?

    • Dudleydidwrong

      Saw a Koch Transportation truck at a service plaza on the PA Turnpike yesterday. I wanted to ram it but A) I figured that all the kochs would fall out on the ground causing a mass stampede that would tie up world traffic for hours, and B) my tiny 40 mpg car would only fit under the big Koch truck and there would be no notice of my kamikaze strike for democracy. Kochs belong on the list. At the top.

      • DahBoner

        #2, after the G.O.P…

    • zhubajie

      They are friends of North Korean style democracy, but with the Koches in charge, instead of the Kims.

  • thebeatgoeson

    My google search for -enemas of democracy- yielded this gem "In a political sense, Sri Lankan elections are public enemas administered by the state apothecary to dehydrate democracy." I think Glenn and Rush and Sean need enemas of democracy – they're so full of shit it's affecting their thought processes.

  • Goonemeritus

    Idle youth didn’t make the cut WTF.

    • DahBoner

      Nor Incalcitrant youth! How unGaltian…

    • Nothingisamiss

      Youth in Asia!

    • horsedreamer_1

      What about those lazy DC types, the Teen Idles?

      • NorthStarSpanx

        Idle youth is now represented by Kim Kardashian, Levi Johnston, Bristol Palin, et. al, so it's the new measure of success.

    • tessiee

      "Idle youth didn’t make the cut WTF"

      They may spend the winters undermining democracy, but when spring arrives and the weather warms up, they switch to trespassing on crabby old people's lawns.

      • Goonemeritus

        Not my lawn if my two intemperate border collies have anything to say about it.

  • Blendergoathead

    If you've ever practiced Thai love, you would fucking wonder why it wasn't in the top five. You also need a chiropractor afterwards.

    • DahBoner

      "If you've ever practiced Thai love, you would fucking wonder why it wasn't in the top five."

      One night in Bangkok makes a hard man humble.

      I get my kicks above the waistline, Sunshine…

    • BaldarTFlagass

      Practice makes perfect.

  • iburl

    Cool! This very Wonkette article is now the 3rd biggest enemy of democracy in my Google! Congrats, pigs!

  • http://eldonaldo.com el_donaldo

    This post is now number five in that search.

    I clicked on that Jon Stewart link. It led to an old Richard Morin column torquing bad science to reach unremarkable wingnut conclusions: i.e., Stewart's fans are cynical slackers, and Democrats are the real racists because Republicans are principled in their racism. Conservative columnists = enemies of the smart.

    • NorthStarSpanx

      Even as cynical slackers, we're pretty fucking productive eh?

  • horsedreamer_1

    He is a pussy-hound.

  • http://wonkette.com/ weejee

    You know who else Alf downfisted?

    • BarackMyWorld

      Certainly not cats.

    • horsedreamer_1

      Franklin Roosevelt?

    • horsedreamer_1

      Batman?

    • horsedreamer_1

      Shelley Winters?

  • Slim_Pickins

    Are we talking Democracy or democracy? If its the former its the GOP, if its the latter its the republicans.

  • Beowoof

    Gee I would have said willful ignorance at the top of my list.

    • DahBoner

      In other words, willful, intentional ignorance is the #1 on my list: The GOP.

      Well played!

  • Beowoof

    I see the downfister for democracy has been through. I am fighting back for commie fascism, Kenyan socialism.

  • Callyson

    Downfist troll must be very disappointed not to make this list.

    • DahBoner

      They are employed by either #1 G.O.P. or #2 Koch brothers, so they're really a wholey-owned subsidary….

    • El Pinche

      Downifst troll is an enemy of vaginas.

  • arihaya

    Jon Stewart is already an American, he read Wikileaks news, and he is had hosted Barry in his show, and he is of Jewish descent like Soros

    now if he is a Muslin he will the ULTIMATE enemy of democracy

    • PristineODummy

      Perhaps he's Satin.

      • bflrtsplk

        Satin is smooth and slinky. Satan breathes fire. You could make the case either way with Stewart.

  • Callyson

    The internet is no match for Nixon's paranoia. In fact, the internet would have made his enemies list if it had existed then.

  • CountryClubJihadi

    Since Islam is listed at #11 and #18, Surah 11:18 says: And if We hold back from them the punishment for a limited time, they will surely say, "What detains it?" Unquestionably, on the Day it comes to them, it will not be averted from them, and they will be enveloped by what they used to ridicule.
    Meanwhile, if you click "shopping" you can get a Hilary Clinton Enemy of Democracy poster for $39.

    • DahBoner

      Since most G.O.P. call themselves "Christian Conservative Republicants", I think Christianity is a subset of the #1 threat: G.O.P.

  • http://www.flickr.com/photos/30500320@N06/ DerrickWildcat

    I like Cats!

  • pinkocommi

    Is it opposite day today? Faux News and Dick Cheney surely should make the top 25.

  • predilectrix

    Jon-Stewart #1 listing comes from 2006, when he was the enemy of democracy as practiced by the Cheney cabal, so, really more of a frenemy.

  • Mahousu

    OK, all of these things may be enemies of democracy, but can they actually win? The answer may surprise you.

    Going to this informative site, I checked out the prospects of democracy against some of the named opponents above. It did not fare well. The only ones it defeated outright were George Soros and the ACLU, but I figure that's because they usually battle by proxy. While at first blush, democracy does beat Jon Stewart, I believe that is an artifact of Internet spelling skills; when you combine Jon Stewart and John Stewart, democracy loses.

    Surprisingly, WikiLeaks and Barack Obama only defeated democracy by small margins, so they might not be quite the bogeymen we thought.

    Islam, oil, and America all defeated democracy by enormous margins – 10-1 in some cases. There's your real threat, peoples.

  • alaninthecastro

    Why is that guy in his Halloween costume giving the "Hook 'em horns" sign? Is the University of Texas an enemy of democracy? Could be!

    • DahBoner

      Bill O' Reilly once said that Madison was a town of Satanists, but UT seems to be aligned with the devil.

      Too bad for the UT football program the world will end this week…

  • Redhead

    Jon Stewart gets to be 1, 20 and 23? If he can be in 3 places at once, wouldn't that make him more like God than anything?

    • fuflans

      or he has a time turner. which would be pretty cool.

  • http://theblueelite.blogspot.com simplyblue7

    Barry is behind in the numbers again…shit!

    • DahBoner

      I think the GOP is #1, and Barry is trying to represent all of America, including the batshit crazy Republicans, so we can lump Barry in with the #1 threat, the G.O.P…

  • Rotundo_

    If one has to find out who the "enemies of democracy" are by Googling it, one would be dumb enough to believe most of that shit. I'd call 95% of that crap. Which just happens to support the old theory that 95% of everything is crap. Damn, that means that 95% of this post is crap as well. Self fulfilling prophecies are us, oh well, when the righties are raptured and the angels bearing them aloft are ruptured, we get all their cigar stank-ed SUV's guns and porn. Is that a good thing?

    • http://timothysees.blogspot.com/ natl_indecency_cmdr

      i've often thought 99% of everything was crap. thanks for tempering my angst. see you after the rapture! [a.r.?]

    • bagofmice

      I read: "blah blah blah blah blah blah blah and porn".

  • Pragmatist2

    How could they possibly have left out:
    Libruls
    Libtards
    Democratics
    Chicago thugs

  • SudsMcKenzie

    If "Love, as practiced by the Thai" isn't Democratic, I don't want to be Democratic.

  • Radiotherapy

    28. Bedbugs

    • DahBoner

      Psst!

      One word: Cedarcide.

  • user-of-owls

    Takeaway:

    When Jon Stewart engages in Love, as practiced by Thai, with George Soros in defiance of government secrecy and protest of Ibrahim Babangida’s 1993 presidential election result annulment speech, he damn better use Oil.

    Am I missing something?

    • http://timothysees.blogspot.com/ natl_indecency_cmdr

      it kind of sounds like you were there. color me jealous!

  • rocktonsam

    Colbert is going to have a hissy fit

  • http://howtosavetheworld.ca/ BZ1

    Quoting extraterrestrial Shanto Iyengar is not going to work….

  • Doktor Zoom

    Jon Stewart is clearly in good company:

    DONT ARSK US ABOUT:
    rocks
    troll's with sticks
    All sorts of dragons
    Mrs Cake
    Huje green things with teeth
    Any kinds of black dogs with orange eyebrows
    Rains of spaniel's
    fog
    Mrs Cake

  • DashboardBuddha

    This illustrates perfectly why we should do away with all kinds of campaigns and voting. It's inefficient. Let's just run the question through Google and Boom! Referendum!

    • Doktor Zoom

      Fine, if you want Ibrahim Babangida to be president for life.

      Actually, I suppose we'd end up with whoever /b/ wanted to be president. Could be Ibrahim Babangida, could be Pedobear.

    • MadBrahms

      The way government contracting works, they'd probably outsource the whole thing to Bing. That might not end so well.

  • http://timothysees.blogspot.com/ natl_indecency_cmdr

    all my friends are here!

    no. 17 Wisconsin state gummint.

    damn skippy.

    Paul Ryan, coming to a bedroom near you!

    • MadBrahms

      My bedroom? Jesus, I hope not. I've got enough monsters living underneath my furniture already.

    • horsedreamer_1

      Where have you gone, Gaylord Nelson? A newly-polluted river turns his lonely eyes toward you….

  • lulzmonger

    "Asking questions" isn't on the list?!?

    I smell a fake.

  • Doktor Zoom

    Speaking of enemies of democracy, PBS's American Experience is running an outstanding documentary on the Freedom Riders. Those on the Left Coast can still catch it, and it should be on the web tomorrow, I think.

    Jesus Christ. I wonder if Rand Paul thinks that it's a bad thing that bus companies no longer have the personal choice to exclude anyone they want…

  • Radiotherapy

    Hey Ryan, how did that Oldz Coupon thing work out?

  • Aisai

    In Japan we get: 1. Jon Stewart 2. Religions 3. America 4. America 5. Translation of "enemy of democracy" into Japanese 6. America 7. America 8. America

    OUR BESTEST ASIAN FRIENDS

  • Worthly[♬♪♬♪♫♪♬]Skum

    OK, now this article is the #1 Google result for "top enemies of democracy" and #2 is a Forbes article about this article. WTF?

  • zhubajie

    No Wonkette.com on that list?

  • http://www.facebook.com/pages/Johnny-Appletruth/133951326629923?sk=wall deanbooth

    I do expect we will cease to be divided. We will become all one thing or all the other. Thinkers or Morans.

  • DaRooster

    Wait just a cotton pickin' minute… I LOVE CHAI… it is delicious and in no way is it anti-democratic… Oh… THAI… yeah that shit is horrific.

  • obfuscator2

    wait, paul ryan just solved our problem. rape the poor, fuck the middle class, blow the rich.

    big bill haywood would have shot paul ryan in the fucking head.

  • unclejeems

    Then I would that Big Bill walk amongst us once more.

  • DaRooster

    '…of this age group watched "The Daily Show" and only 23 percent of show viewers followed "hard news" programs closely."

    I love the "hard news" bit… kinda like there is no such thing.

  • SmutBoffin

    The guy in #13 has kick-ass Manowar and Blind Guardian posters.

    To the last fan of hobbit-metal in America: WE SALUTE YOU

  • Negropolis

    But, "both sides do it", right? But, you better believe the obtuse Sarah Palin is trying her damndest to make it back on this list of infamy, 'cause the bisch don't know no better, poor thing.

    What's embarrassing about this is that this list is better than the Times 100.

    • AddHomonym

      No, both sides don't do it!!!!1!

      Ha ha, I've taken the opposite opinion, so now yours is — ipso facto, post propter hoc, chemin de fer — an extreme view!

      • AJW@[redacted]

        Show men de fur–how retro!

        • tessiee

          Chow mein de fur?
          I always knew those Asientals put cats in the food!!

  • Negropolis

    I call bullshit.

    Where is Justin Bieber, Dennys, and the The Real Housewives of Fill-in-the-Blank"?

  • ghblowhard

    Darn how did they miss me on this list?

  • ghblowhard

    Didn't Google bombing go out in 2004?

  • Toomush_Infer

    And to think we've been writing Jon Stewart's material for years….

    • tessiee

      Not to be Buzz Killington, but Jon Stewart's material sorta writes itself.

  • Troubledog

    – Taking a trip
    – Not taking a trip

  • El Pinche

    The #1 Enemy of Democracy is anyone who calls anyone of an enemy of Democracy.

  • freakishlywrong

    Guano faucet. Fart boxes. Does that help?

  • Goonemeritus

    And you don't get to say it because the comments are shut off.

    • SorosBot

      I know! Is Jack toying with us today?

  • http://wonkette.com ManchuCandidate

    Are you tormenting us Jack? I so want to comment on Schartw's baby but I can't. Why?

    • freakishlywrong

      Sorosbot bitched. We are the enemy of Democracy

    • Canmon

      I think it's closed so that 80 commenters don't post identical 'Sperminator' comments.

      • Doktor Zoom

        I was angling for the last story: Love, as practiced by the Tiger.

      • http://wonkette.com ManchuCandidate

        What's wrong with Inseminator? It's, um, classy.

        • Doktor Zoom

          Cum in me if you want to live.

          EDIT: I'll be back…with a paternity suit.

          EDIT EDIT: Listen, and understand. Maria's lawyers and the tabloid press are out there.They can't be bargained with. They can't be reasoned with. They don't feel pity, or remorse, or fear. And they absolutely will not stop, ever, until you are dead. Or even after that–look at Elvis.

    • WIDTAP

      Riley forgot to leave Jack the admin password when he left.

    • SorosBot

      Guess we can joke about Arny's lovechild here, then cut & paste if/when that gets fixed. Here goes:

      Considering how our glorious media is totally unbiased and objective, they will surely treat Republican Arnold Schwarzenegger as if he is one of the worst scumbags who has ever lived over this, just like they did with Democratic John Edwards. Right?

      • AJW@[redacted]

        Doesn't fox already identify him with a (D-Austria)?

    • freakishlywrong

      Conan the Impregnator

  • DaRooster

    New top enemy-
    Wonkette… for feeding us an Ahnold story without the ability to comment… Pinko shit man…

  • Doktor Zoom

    I have no comment box and I must snark!

  • freakishlywrong

    Look on the bright side. No comments. No downfists. True Lie, dat.

  • owhatever

    Now I have to GOOG who the hell is Ibrahim Babangida. Did Jon Stewart have him on the Daily Show or sumthin?

  • privatejoker77

    I'm bad, I loled.

  • PostApocalypse

    More support for my separate but equal theory:

    voter = democratic! (well.. yeah.)
    motor = democratic! (fuck yeah!)
    motor-voter = undemocratic!

    rap = awesome!
    metal = awesome!
    rap-metal = lame!

  • tessiee

    So, Wonkette *didn't* make the list?
    ::crestfallen::

  • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/ Chet Kincaid

    I think there's a typo: Jon Stewart is actually the enemy of DEMOCRATS, as he demonstrated by holding a gigantic rally days before the 2010 elections at which he asked his followers to….do nothing.

    No, I will not let it go.

  • Beanball

    Except for the Jon Stewart reference, I have a very idiosyncratic Google, apparently. I didn't bother to read the top ten, but I do have the Top Six (!), with ties in several places:

    Jon Stewart
    Wonkette
    graduates of Bard college
    iPad / xBox
    religious radicalism, populism and the Chinese state model
    the decline of the bigger [British] political parties

    Go figure.

  • C_R_Eature

    Well, now. I’m surprised that Fluoridation, the Plot to Sap & Impurify our Precious Bodily Fluids hasn’t made the Top Ten. It’s just everywhere! Now they’re Fluoridating Ice Cream – Children’s Ice Cream, and…!
    What’s that? Oh, right…Fluoridation is a Tactic, like Terrorism. It would be madness for a society to, for example, declare war on a Tactic…

    Oh, right. Never mind.

  • C_R_Eature

    Me too! Can't get enough of 'em (BELCH)

  • FrenchTwist40

    Yeah, Wonkette's on my list. Go Wonkette!

    Also, "The ipad and the xbox." And "American Idol." That last one, I totally agree with.

  • Biel_ze_Bubba

    That WaPo article earned a huge double-take when it referred to "Jon Stewart's faux news program."

    And Wonkette is now #2 on the list! Can you imagine what those Soutwestern Eastern North Carolina researchers would conclude if they studied the Wonketeers?