Faith 2 Action was last seen attempting to get a fetus to testify before the Ohio legislature, but it refused to cooperate. It was an aborted attempt, you could say, har har har. They still haven’t had any creative ideas since then:
Is God trying to get our attention?
The worst tornado outbreak in American history has left hundreds dead. Mississippi flooding has not been this bad in 80 years. Wildfires have swept through millions of acres in Texas and Oklahoma.
There are a number of things that could give God reason to at least partially lift His protective Hand from America, including the millions of abortions done here each year, the flaunting of sexual sin, and our recent treatment of Israel.
Any support that the U.S. provides for dividing the Holy Land risks God’s wrath against us. Rabbi Aryeh Spero says that a division could displace 400,000 Jews from their homes and more Christian holy sites would fall under Muslim control.
Pray that this will not happen and that many Americans will give their undivided attention to God.
Yep, natural disasters such as these never happened within the borders of the United States before 2011. None at all. In fact, God didn’t let death happen at all! He answered the prayers of every person who lived here! And that’s why all Americans are a million years old. [Faith 2 Action via Wonkette operative "chascates"]
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The way the world is going we all deserve some divine retribution.
God, when you're done being pissed off, could you see your way to finally bring me a Red Ryder carbine-action, 200-shot, range model air rifle?
You'll put your eye out!
Kid.
I thought I recognized your avatar, Ralphie.
Oh, and while you're at it, can you do something about the #$*&%^! dogs next door?
You don't see any relationship between the Red Ryder 200 shot carbine and the dog problem? There's a twofer in the works. (If you don't get the Red Ryder you can use mine…)
"…the flaunting of sexual sin…"
Ok, so I cornholed the wife ONCE in 25 yrs of marriage, now it's all my fault?!!!
Did you flaunt it?
But did she scream for it or was it your idea?
I'm fairly sure you're let off the hook if you lubricate generously.
Yup. It must be you. "Cause none of the rest of us ever did that.
How many fighting fundie preachers are NOT getting more ass than the average toilet seat?
How can we carry out God's will if Mike Huckabee doesn't run for president? Why is God's protective hand giving us the middle finger?
The massive low pressure system created by God lifting his protective hand from the USA (continental states only) is what caused the tornadoes. Straight-line winds when he puts it back.
Easier to blame Jeebus not liking the secks than Global Warming/Climate Change.
With Jesus, anything is possible. (Requires less thinking and hard work to just blame everything on the Lord.)
I guess it's easier to punch a fag in a fit of rage than complex weather system.
I thought the brown people were keeping God busy, so he didn't get bored and start trashing the joint.
What next, he takes the form of a bull and bangs my mom?
Or, in a less violent mode toward your mom, how about a swan?
Or a Dashboard Buddha?
But why did He send his tornadic wrath down the red-state spine of Dumbfuckistan? God's ways are indeed mysterious.
Leave it to the liberal rag New York Times to map this for us.
For reals. When is the last time thousands of gays were left dead and homeless by a selective catastrophe?
If I believed in hIM, I'd say he's had just about enough of the Bible-belters.
Sodom and Gomorrah?
That was due to the Gomorrahites, who invented a sex act so heinous, it was banished from history, thus I can tell you no more.
Surely you have attempted to recreate it. For Science.
OT: why does Georgia have so many god damn counties? 159 to California's 58. It really fucks up Census data releases. Grrrrrrrrr.
Also, why didn't god throw down a tornado or two in the town of Cumming, Georgia, or in Butts county, for that matter? The dude has no sense of irony.
Jah is everliving, everlasting, and everloving, but has terrible aim sometimes.
Hey!
How did South Carolina get off so easily?!
God protects the profoundly dumb. And I’m talking about Jim Demint, not Alvin Greene.
Looks to me like he was really pissed at Haley Barbour…
Bienvenue from the Heart of Dumbfuckistan (our actual license plate logos) where This Tornado Loves You is now our city song. If we were going to judge who God hates based on deaths (41) and destruction per square mile, it was the poorest, blackest folks with a few browns thrown in there – literally – and a couple University students. High five supply side Jesus!
Whoa, that weather is almost happening in some sort of 'pattern.' A Pattern of Weather, if you will.
So, people in one place do something God doesn't like, and he chooses to smite people in some other location (widely considered to be the churchiest area in the churchiest country)? Wow, God is sort of a dick.
That's where Dubya learned that Afghanistan/Iraq conflation exercise.
Nothing new, really.
Poor Abe was the first guy to have faith in one god, so God rewards him by demanding he cook his kid. And then Moe spent 40 years wandering the desert trying to take his people to the Promised Land, the G-Man tells him No at the last minute. Oh yeah! And let's not forget Job! Tormented and tortured just to win a bet with Satan!
Compared to that guy, I'd rather take my chances with Lucifer.
No fucking kidding. Satan might fuck you in the ass with a barbed dick, but at least he's honest about it. I mean, you know what you're fucking getting and there aren't any fucking games, you know? Meanwhile, if you're good, and just, and hate fags and go to church every Sunday in Bumfuck, GA., a bunch of queers/abortionists cause God to fuck you over.
Also, neither of these people are real, too. But still.
Last I checked, Satan is always a snappy dresser, too.
And yet, the Wingnuts will stand in the wreckage of the trailer park, proclaiming that God's loving hand saved them.
Sorry, I prefer to be a heathen with a roof over my head.
Considering their position on Israel, belief in the justness of collective punishment isn't entirely surprising.
Man-made climate change: impossible.
Freakish natural occurrence: impossible.
God hates fags: obviously.
See? The evidence proves it!
Ain't science grand!
Didn't the tornadoes and now, the flooding, happen in the Bible Belt? Allah is pissed at christians, if you ask me.
"…Mississippi flooding has not been this bad in 80 years…"
So what he's saying is that the Rapture was 80 years ago? So what are we waiting for now?
Mississippi, Texas and Oklahoma? if God is punishing those states, it's not for being too liberal.
However, it could be punishment for the sin of gluttony.
A great plague of low density lipoproteins and diabetic neuropathy shall smite them in their recliner chairs. Eventually.
I assumed it was the sin of letting dark people live in the same state as them.
But then, how did South Carolina make it relatively unscathed?
God: "Psych!!!"
Because, like General Sherman, God intends to make South Carolina howl.
The "sexual sins" god doesn't like in the Bible include incest.
Brings to mind the old joke: "New husband tells his dad that he had to return his wife to her family the day after the wedding, having discovered that she was a virgin. His dad says, I don't blame you, son. If she ain't good enough for their family she ain't good enough for ours."
"Wildfires have swept through millions of acres in Texas."
Satan loves making Rick Perry squirmish.
G-d is laughing that Rick Perry is begging for federal money after threatening to secede!
So, God speaks either through tornadoes or Glenn Beck?
Tornadoes or Glenn Beck.
Either one seems like an awfully phallic form of destruction.
Is there a door # 3?
I think God just hates boring weather. Seventy degrees, slightly overcast with a gentle breeze just gets old after awhile.
hE loves nothing more than watching coverage of fat, inbred morons crying where their trailer used to be.
"And they'll only love me more for it–it gets funnier every time!"
"I burn down your cities-how blind you must be
I take from you your children and you say how blessed are we
You all must be crazy to put your faith in me
That's why I love mankind
You really need me
That's why I love mankind"
A big reduction in the price of beer would make all that worthwhile.
Reminds me of Henry Rollins talking about "El Nino".
What is bothering you God? Abortions? Gays? Or do you just want us to eat less cheeseburgers? How are we supposed to know?
Fer Chrissakes, get some communication skills–no more talking in tongues and tornados, we like to speak English around here.
It's not easy having a special needs lord.
Yeah, fuck you God. This is America. Why should I have to press "1" for English? Beaners like you keep getting into knife fights and then steal our Healthcare. Build the dang fence.
"…lift His protective Hand from America…"
I think, at this point, if his hand is OVER us… it's to keep us HERE… and not out killing other peoples. But we wouldn't get that from all this would we?
i said this a while back but the arrogance of the righteous is truly breath-taking.
his protective Hand from America?!!?!??!
blow me.
What, you don't believe that it's all about US? Americans, being who they are, is the one thing that worried me about Trump running… The harder they blow, the better… at least for most of this place… fucking ridiculous.
This God thing sure is a petty, vindictive fuck.
If wonkette doesn't organize a liveblog of this I will be extremely disappointed. Let's get a Rapture up in this bitch.
I did a practice run earlier with my 'protective' hand and got splooy all over my hovaround.
These insufferable asshats took out a full page ad in the Des Moines Register Sunday Paper.
They want to be sure to cause as much panic as they possibly can.
Hey, if they all disappear, we have 5 months to party. I intend to make the most of it.
And I'm still looking for an empty Ferrari…
It is time to start organizing the post-rapture looting parties.
Since the idolized 1950s when none of these awful things happened, we have had few lynchings, can prevent or treat all manner of diseases that once decimated swathes of the population, my daughter can go to pretty much any university that she qualifies for, and I can work outside the home without my husband's permission with black, Asian and Hispanic students and colleagues. If that constitutes removal of God's protection, keep up the good work.
No lynchings = uppity Negro president
Treatable disease = too many poors on teh welfare
Ladies in college = Title IX = not enough money for football
Wives acting without spousal approval = horny husbands and messy homes
Chinamen and Mexicans unafraid to go out in public = end of civilization as we know it.
So you've pretty much itemized the teabaggers' 99 theses. Well done!
Honestly as a dude coming from a background where those lynchings would have been a pretty significant possibility in most of the country (i.e, mixed-race from three generations of multiracial unions), I think a few deadly tornadoes is pretty much an improvement. State-sponsored terrorism in the ex-Confederacy killed several 9/11sworth of people over the years; somehow, the 100-some-odd tornado deaths annually don't really look too bad by comparison.
And that's discounting the fact that tornadoes are largely random, while the terrorism was a rather targeted campaign against to intimidated, disinfranchise, and also, yeah, kill minorities, so kinda different anyways.
Three generations, meh, I've got at least 5 generations.
That's actually pretty awesome; I can only go back three because adoptions and migrations make things kinda fuzzy further out, but both of the sets of great-grandparents I know about, both sets of grandparents (the half-Polish one largely passed as white, and the Puerto Rican/Cuban one clearly looked black, which I'm led to believe mattered a great deal), and consequentially, both of my parents, though even that gets a little weird since my dad was raised by an African American army family, and identifies as such, despite being a white-looking half-Indian German, and my mother just looks like a light-skinned Puerto Rican woman.
Friom that mix, I end up looking, well, just kinda brown. I've found that I can generally pass as whatever a particular area's local brown people are, and have been mistaken, for example, for Hawaiian, by native Hawaiians, which is kinda cool.
I honestly didn't realize any of this stuff was a particularly big deal, when my parents and grandparents got together, until my senior year of High School- it was just so normalized within my family that I took it for granted.
Nice. I am just the product of the typical racial mix you find on most Caribbean islands (Native, African, Spanish and Scottish or Irish). And I too assumed it was normal until I was an adult.
I think Barry got it right when he said in an interview that most Americans are of mixed racial heritage they just don't know because they weren't told. Using that logic he is the only authentic American president we've had…..
So the more I sin in Oregon, the more God sends tornadoes, floods, fires and Republicans to the Bible Belt? Right on. I can work with this.
I'm sodomizing a doctor while he performs an abortion for the cause.
I’m not much into the butt sex thing but I do enjoy Portuguese Pork with Clams.
Legally, oral is sodomy, too, so there's that.
Laviticus Hat Trick!
Guess I'll take one for the team and masturbate as soon as I get home tonight.
I'm going to wear mixed fibers and sow two different kinds of seeds together. Also I am driving and working this Saturday-and i am Jewish.
Don't forget shellfish for breakfast, lunch, and dinner.
Bacon cheeseburgers all around!
If something good happens 'God answered your prayers'. If something bad happens 'it was God's will'. The Cosmic Dice Roll is hard to predict.
Also, Man can never know the workings of the mind of God, but knows evolution is by intelligen design.
OTH, maybe someone there was praying for a blowjob and God doesn't know slang.
Maybe God is having so many tornadoes down south because they are a bunch of fat, racist, fartknockers who never got edumacation and because they hate that black man in the "White" house….you ever thought God might just want to exact revenge on dildos? I don't think there's too many gayz and abortion docs in the Bible Belt.
So I'm standing on the corner of Christopher and Gay (no really) and there is no sign of floods or tornadoes. But there is a bit of rain falling, so there is that.
So on Saturday (May 21), these folks will all be gone, right? Nothing but us godless, drinking, sinning heathens left on Earth … woo freaking hoo!!!
May 22nd will be forever known as "The Day of Beer and Sodomy."
It's in the Bible, trust me.
AND don't forget, we all get two of all the animals that the elevator-to-paradisers leave behind! So, new equation:
Eat, Fuck or Pet?
God hates Southerners.
I hate Southerners.
Ergo, I am God.
QED
Odin: He Gets Shit Done.
Whoopsie, missed one!
It's been proven that God hates to be bothered now that he has a new family over in another part of the void that HE HIMSELF CREATED. He buys them things and takes them on picnics, but we have to get by with "natural disasters" and "death" and "disease" and oh, the occasional lousy stale s'more by a campfire that smokes and won't burn and the fishing is terrible and there's mosquitoes. God, if we sacrifice more middle Americans, will you love us again, more than your new family? Please?
What, God is a Mormon? Get out of the universe.
My bad; I have performed cunnilingus, which I understand is "sexual sin" since it doesn't make babies and the wimmins aren't supposed to experience sexual pleasure. Sorry 'bout the tornadoes!
I've said this before, but ask how many female atheists have at least had second thoughts thanks to well done cunnilingus. How can Jesus be against it?
Two words: Tongue Tornadoes.
We cry out to the Flying Spaghetti Monster.
And He/She/It responds with her/his/its Noodly Appendage.
A whole lot of churches seem to have been decimated by the severe weather, as well. Why were these churches allowing, no, encouraging men to suck other men's cocks in the choir room?
Water goes up, water goes down. Who can explain it?
Today, we are all sinners in the stall next to a foot-tapping God.
Oh, your great and awful wide-stanced omnipotence, I don't think I can get it all in my mouth. . .bow, chicka bow wow
You wouldn't by any chance be the wide-stanced Roman who nailed His only begotten Son, would you?
Having none of my own, I have nailed only the sons of others (which is how we carry on our race).
My "God isn't gay, but his boyfriend is" T-shirt may have been the catalyst here.
My ardent apologies, I thought it was funny, at the time.
You can wear it again on the 22nd.
In my sheltered life, I've never seen that. Up-whatever, and please carry on.
Mississippi? Texas and Oklahoma? These are the places without the gays though. If this guy was right maybe Vermont. Maybe God is pissed at you dragging his name through the mud huh? I'm lookin' at you Utah.
Weird how God's methods are indistinguishable from the laws of physics and probability. You'd think an all-powerful being would kinda sorta let his/her presence be known from time-to-time. Like by making a cure for some disease simple appear one day. Or end a war. Or make some Xtian behave like one.
Nah. God has an excellent sense of humor. I mean, He moved my nelly ass to Mississippi but neglected to tell me they don't sell couture at the local Wal-Mart.
Maybe you were meant to introduce it. That whole "God works in mysterious ways" thingy.
This does remind me of a question I never seem to remember to ask:
Why the fuck are you in Mississippi? There are other states.
So Jesus controls the Army Corps of Engineers?
I thought he was a carpenter, not a hydraulic engineer.
Jebus: knows his man-fishing, but sucks at computational fluid dynamics.
Where on this family-
protectingmanipulating webpage is the man or woman to take credit for their published screed? Gotta love these 'anonymously' declared proclamations that pose as valid. Not that this is uncommon on the web or in print. It reminded me of one time I tried to have a conversation with the Jehovah's witness standing at my door; I glanced through the nice lady's Watchtower and asked "Where are the credits? No author cited for this article? No editorial staff, did the thing just write itself? I hope you haven't been slipped a fraudulent bit of false-witness." The lady replied she had honestly never given it much thought before; as I shut the door I hissed "You're all cults" because I was still young at the time & too chicken to state this to her face.Story about the Jehovah's Witness who knocked on the guy's door. The guy asked him in, invited him to sit down, and then asked if he'd like a cup of coffee or a Coke, and a ham sandwich. After getting the refreshments the guy asked the Jehovah's Witness "What do you want to talk about?" The Jehovah's Witness replied, "Hell if I know. I've never gotten this far before."
You can also buy the guy's book. Seeing as he is is supposed be off-planet by the end of the week, I'm wondering what he intends to do with the profits.
Faith 2 Action sounds even more like a pseudo-homoerotic band name than Faith Plus One from South Park.
"I wanna get down on my knees and start pleasing Jesus! I wanna feel his salvation all over my face!"
They do nothing but bad Christian cover versions of Boyz II Men songs.
2 Live Faith.
Not my usual preference, but with enough tequila thrown into the mix who knows what might transpire.
God: All-seeing, all-knowing, all-power being whose aim happens to be just a bit off when it comes to smiting.
Oh man, that's one flood I don't want to clean up after.
Sounds good. I'm applying for a parade permit too. As for the sodomy, that's not my bag but feel free to get as jiggy with it as you want!
By that logic, "sexual sin" was as rampant 80 years ago as it is today? Our great grandfathers were perverts, apparently. And, what, our great grandmothers were abortion queens?
You'll notice that the weather doesn't seem to be much of an issue when high school football season kicks into gear, and God is busy picking the winners and losers based on which teams beg him the hardest.
yes of course ,,
because every time you kill a fetus, one square mile of Ozone is instantly depleted
Or a square mile or Arkansas.
So, yes, it is all his own fault.
Guys, the flaunting was ex post facto. If God hits you with some Job-ian biblical shit without cause, then you're allowed a little flaunting about your sodomy after the fact. For all those needing an opportunity to boast about their anal conquests, now is your chance.
Me! Me! Me! Me! Me next! (The do-er, not the do-ee, that is)
If I took the time to flaunt all my sodomy, I'd never have time to commit more sodomy…
This is much ado about nothing, as God has already wiped out the liberal/gay friendly states of Arkansas, Mississippi and Texas. Not much to do after that.
Although, maybe God is telling us that his wrath continues until those states and their gay friendly ways are nuked into oblivion? Where is Bush and Cheney when you need someone to fulfil God's will?
These days, couldn't god just do a conference call if he wanted to get our attention?
Maybe god doesn't do Skype?
This month we beatified a pope, we married a prince, we started a crusade and we killed an Islamic terrorist leader, what else does He want?
2011 is going to be so Medieval
OK, God smites what… 100 Americans? So that's like less than one-ten thousandth percent of all Americans. So if God was really angry, I'd hope he'd start upping his numbers a bit. Because really, God, this seems like you're doing smiting this pretty half-assed.
Funny, in my Blue State, where most people don't have a problem with gays, birth control or evolution…things are just fine, no fire, floods, tornadoes, etc. (although the pollen count is a bit high). God must have a weird sense of humour!
Crazy tornadoes in Alabama, Oklahoma, Kansas, Mississippi and South Carolina. Mississippi flooding. Wildfires in Texas and Oklahoma. "Is God trying to get our attention?"
It occurs to me that none of these states voted for Obama in the 2008 election. It can only mean one thing… God is a Kenyan.
I am wearing my Obama shirts again(start of the campaign season, right). God will be pleased with me
Brilliant observation. Now try to explain that to the blonde haired guy who keeps posing for those church pictures.
Hey, disaster stricken counties:
How's that anti-governmenty thing workin' out for ya?
A man's house was on fire. He decided to throw gasoline on it in an attempt to put the fire out. The fire grew larger. The man reasoned that, obviously, he just wasn't using enough gasoline. He threw an entire gallon onto the house. The fire grew much larger. The man realized that gasoline simply mustn't be strong enough to quench the fire, and went to go seek out some jet fuel.
This is the reasoning of these dumbfucks in a nutshell.
According to my pastor, Yikin Chan Kawiil, the problems began when we reduced the number of virgin maidens we throw every spring into the cenote.
And that’s why all Americans are a million years old.
The Earth is a couple thousand years old tops – don't be silly.
That's not kosher.
At this rate, if we just keep up the sinning, we'll wipe out the Bible Belt entirely!
As the old joke goes: So the wingnut is sucked up by a tornado that discards him into a flooded river and he drowns. As he enters the afterlife, he asks, "My God – my Lord – why – why did you forsake me?"
And the Lord answers, "Whaddya mean forsake you? I sent two boats, a helicopter, and a bunch of scientists doing some damn good research on the effects of global warming."
Now, I'm not saying God caused all these disasters because he's mad at us for sinning, but isn't it interesting that European countries are way more secular and they seem to have escaped God's recent wrath?
Hey, wait a fucking second…
Slightly OT, but Bill Maher nailed my feelings about "Christians" in this video:
http://www.rawstory.com/rawreplay/2011/05/maher-b...
the lesson I've learned from all of this is Wholly Babblin' Jeezus H. Christ hates the holy-rollin' red states? It's not like there's gay pride parades in Alabama, Oklahoma, Kansas, Mississippi and South Carolina to outrage right-wing Jehovah….
So god is terrorizing "red states" because he is angry with people being horrible little shits.
Maybe they could try not be such miserable little shits that their sky god would stop killing their trailers?
So a milkshake will be drank?
Now wait a minute. If God doesn't want women to have sexual pleasure, why are women always talking to God during sweaty sex? Huh? Huh?
His protective Hand
So, what I take away from this is that God is giving the US of A a handjob and he is using a condom while doing so. Thoughtful guy, that God.
I blame dog style sex for all of it.
Hey, nothing to do with the climate change thingy, is it??
So, it's true that the worst thing about being an atheist is that there's no one to talk to while getting a blowjob?
God is clever too. By pinpointing her revenge disasters on Red States, she is stirring up the Republican base for next year. What chance does Obama have of winning Alabama, Texas, Mississippi now? Where's your Messiah!? NOW?!
Silly Jack. It's not that there were no natural disasters before 2011. There were no natural disasters before we offended God by electing the abortion-mandating, gay-sechs-flaunting, God-hating Kenyan immigrant that's now the president! Apparently it just took him three years to get his act together and bring the apocalypse. Not a very efficient one, that God. Kind of incompetent, actually.
Hey, the guy's been busy! Haiti and Japan needed to be punished for their sinfulness, too (slave revolts and hentai, respectively), and earthquakes will take a lot out of a deity.
So, why is he wasting his time if he's gonna end it all this Saturday? Just rapture all the devotees and burn the rest all in one go. No need to beat around the bush?
Making babies in the butt only once in 25 years of marriage isn't what I'd call flaunting; it reads more as an admission of shame. lol
Allah: 1
God: 0
How else can you explain tornadoes ripping through the South?
BTW, I love that this God fella' is offended, I mean down-right offended, at the way people have sex, but he seems less concerned about theiving bankers and corporate whores, gluttons, violent crime…no, he's peeking in everyone's window to make sure they are having sex right.
That's one kinky god if I never saw one.
A friend of mine once said that any God who's more concerned with what humans do with their genitals than with matters of import to the human condition isn't beyond human understanding- such a God would be beneath it.
I always thought that sounded like a quote from somewhere else, but maybe I don't give my friends enough credit for being clever with words.
Canada, you better watch your ass. 'Cause god's fuckin' pissed, y'all. If he did what he did to us, just think of what he'll do to you. He'll freeze you in two-feet thick blocks of ice is what he'll do, or make Lake Ontario swallow Toronto, or even worse, let the Quebecois conquer the rest of you and make your French or some shit.
So late to the party on this one, but could someone point this idiot to a much earlier comment I made on the wonket (she can find it. I don't have time to take out of my busy day, helping this idiot) re:
Red states get the tornadoes. If there is any warning from God in this, it's that she hates Republitards. Wise up, losers, and vote for Democrats so we have a fighting chance to at least kick some sand in the face of climate change before all of you are blown to Kingdom Come.
Slick, wasn't it, the way I worked that inspirational closing in there. Fuck it. I haven't even had my shower yet. I'm still in a zombie like state. See ya' later.
This type of fear-mongering is promoted because it is profitable. It is profitable because we have so many religious nuts and repressed homophobe types in this Country. You can't shake down the Rubes by preaching about weather systems and Global Warming, fer Chrissakes! You're welcome.
When is God going to get revenge on these tea-tards who take it upon themselves to speak for Him?
Aren't these disasters happening in Rep(tilian) regions? Maye G-d or the gods are punishing them for being selfish and cruel to each other.
No, he hasn't. And don't call him Shirley!
Hey I had a bacon cheeseburger last Friday – a day when, as a former Catholic, I'm not supposed to eat any meat except fish.
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