Sure, we can make jokes about the world ending this Saturday, but there is suddenly ample evidence: God has chosen his most reputable media servant to go to Jerusalem and tell the Palestinians to stop existing. According to Glenn Beck, “evil” forces, the ones who so evilly allowed Arabs to overthrow their dictators, are washing into Palestine and will soon accomplish the most terrifying thing of all: peace between Israel and Palestine. NOOOOOOO! Not peace! The horror! God told Beck to hold a rally in Jerusalem to try to stop this. Hope you wingnuts can figure out how to get a passport. You and your trusty scooter got a rally in a foreign country (scary!) to attend.
Here is the rambling incoherence about a foreign policy matter that God wrote (READ UP MORE, GOD, THIS SOUNDS STUPID):
If Glenn Beck builds it, they will come. On scooters. With truck nutz. And a sidecar for their dialysis machine. To watch America’s favorite new pastime, spewing hatred about Muslims.
(Does everyone hear the sound effects of people signing out of Glenn Beck’s instant messenger application? God would probably prefer you had turned off your little chats, Glenn.)
This is terrible news for the U.S. economy. The Teabaggers are going to give what money they saved having their house foreclosed and declaring bankruptcy to Israel. Wal-Mart stock is going to plummet! McDonald’s will do exactly the same amount of business, though, as every meal will still be eaten there.
We’re totally on board with all of this! These people are definitely the ones who should be going over there to tell Israel and Palestine what’s what. Too bad the world is ending. Otherwise, wingnuts would finally see how foreign Israel is and realize they actually hate it. [YouTube]
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Going to Israel to sell gold is like going to Texas to sell ignorance.
Jesus H. on a hoverround waving a Gadsden flag, this is so fucking embarrassing.
So true.
Today we are the biggest stupid nation on earth.
In other words, it's Monday.
~
Actually, I see the work of divine intervention here. Sending Glenn Beck to Israel to try to *prevent* a peace plan is the best way to inspire Israelis to cooperate with the Palestinians after all. God works in mysterious ways…
Yeah, we can threaten them: make peace or Glenn stays here forever (and we'll send his little friend Sarah over too).
Could it be any more obvious? Glenn's after their gold!
Sorry, Israelis; first Palin, now Beck, we've inflicted a lot of our worst people on you this year.
They deserve it; for inflicting Joe Lieberman on us.
Israel has a lot to answer for, but Vinegar Joe was born in Stamford, Connecticut, just a short helicopter ride from the Hartford headquarters of United Techmologies.
He's just an American lobbyist for Israel.
Jerusalemites are used to weird asshats visiting their city.
Cool! Now he can be hated internationally.
Haven't the Jews suffered enough?
Not the ultra-orthodox ones that are as against peace as Beck. Not to mention their theocratic laws such as the anti-woman divorce law.
I see a (well deserved) monumental fail in Glenn's future.
Hubris = Glenn Beck
Paging the Intifada Rock Throwing Club.
HARRY THE HAGGLER: Stones, sir?
MANDY: Naah. They've got a lot there, lying around on the ground.
HARRY THE HAGGLER: Oh, not like these, sir. Look at this. Feel the quality of that. That's craftsmanship, sir.
MANDY: Hmmm. Aah, all right. We'll have, uh, two with points and… a big flat one.
BRIAN: Could I have a flat one, Mum?
MANDY: Shh!
BRIAN: Sorry. Dad.
MANDY: Ehh, all right. Two points, ah, two flats, and a packet of gravel.
HARRY THE HAGGLER: Packet of gravel. Should be a good one this afternoon.
MANDY: Hehh?
HARRY THE HAGGLER: Local boy.
MANDY: Oh, good.
HARRY THE HAGGLER: Enjoy yourselves.
Hah!….someone get Glenn to say Jehovah repeatedly and it's game on, bitches.
I'd pay real money to see some Palestinian kid bean that jerkoff with a well thrown rock.
The haredim are pretty handy with the rocks, etc., too.
Stuef, quit picking on the mentally handicapped. You are going to rile up the Trig Screw nutjobs again.
and right on cue, the troll is downfisting.
Let my Rascal people ride!
Which God told him this–American Jesus or Jewish Jesus?
I would've figured some Lovecraftian god, but I can see even Cthulhu recoiling at Glenn's antics.
On a related note, I need to get busy with those GOOP (Great Old Ones Party) bumper stickers. The election and planetary alignment is almost upon us!
Beck wants to add "messiah" to his resume. Then maybe he gets a teevee show again.
Dear Glenn:
UR DOIN IT RONG.
God
Always knew He was the eminence griese behind Icanhazcheezburger.com. Those kittehs are just divinely cute!
Can he re-create the crucifixion? Because if so, I'd totally contribute to his little trip.
Next Easter, Philippines.
Isn't it going to hot as holy fucking hell in Israel in August? It is ? Yaaaaaayy!
Here's looking forward to the first 20 or so heat-strokes!
These are the same scooter-bound fucks who wouldn't even go to Searchlight, no way in hell they'll go all the way to Jerusalem…
Bus trip/Goldline investment signup here. Have your credit card ready !
Come join the glorious Becktard Crusade Hoveround Construction Brigade! Finish the danged temple!!
Probably when the Rapture fails and the US fundies finally give up hope, they'll blame the Israelis for not re-building a temple.
He has found a place where his brand of paranoid racist ravings are considered moderate, temperate, and middle of the road, and maybe even a bit soft, truth be told, when it comes to the issue whether Arabs have any right to live.
Be sure to call it the "border fence" in these rants. It's not a wall, even though it kinda meets the definition pretty well. Ha ha, it's it's sillier than Bobby the Jindal's berm to protect the beaches.
Yes, especially considering Israel hasn't had set border since 1967. It's kind of hard to have a border fence when your borders are pretty much wherever the Ashkenazi paranoia and self-entitlement line ends. Hell, someone remind Beck his religion thinks Jerusalem is in Missouri…oh wait, haha…maybe that's his trip…he's going to the Mormon settlement of Israel, Missouri! Won't the scooter bandits be shocked and upset? Of course they won't stop watching him or spending all their tax payer inctentivized cash on him, but for about 20 seconds (or the length of their attention span) the scoot-brigades will be furious for being conned.
Imperialism with a religious veneer is still ugly. Maybe moreso.
Truth is, Israelis would find it hard to live without Palestinians, just like people in the US would find it hard to live without Mexicans.
A meshugener zol men oyshraybn, un im araynshraybn.
Being a US citizen, I think anything that removes Glenn Beck from the United States is a win. And I really think he should engage everyone he can over there in a "dialogue" and maybe the Palestinians or the Israelis or both can take care of this problem for us for once and for all.
Glenn may have misheard God as saying "a rally" when God was actually saying "Oh, REALLY?"
What does the angel Moroni have to say about this?
probably something moronic
Moronic-Of, or pertaining to, the Angel Moroni.
The Steverino247 Dictionary
"Read my soldered-together goldish plates".
Available on the Street of Cunning Artificers at a very reasonable rate.
No zeros on my watch!
Upfists for everyone!
I think the persistent downfist troll has actually led to an increase in most folks' p-ness, as there's a lot of "support" fists being handed out.
We're such a communist | socialist | heathen bunch of filth bags.
Why thank you…
I don't even wear a watch, 1-12 or otherwise.
Viva la upfista!
Dude, the Rally to Restore Fear was a joke, Glenn.
Only Beck could go to a Chinese restaurant on Christmas.
The rapture is a downfister.
Peace means no Jesus Escalator!
So when the sixth seal of the Apocolypse is opened, is Glenn(da) Gog or Magog? Doesn't matter, as long as he is the first one smitten by the Mitten because God is a LOLCat, and He has a frowny face on his Status.
Let's see. Gog, Magog or Harpogog? I always get confused on which Stooge is which.
Gag, I think.
Not that I'd ever wish bodily harm on anyone, but it sure would be serendipitous timing if Hezbollah could smuggle a couple of semi-trucks full of surface-to-surface missiles over into the hands of Hamas or whoever the hell.
Please, please, please let someone organize the Palestinians to show, like 50K strong, singing "We Shall Overcome."
Silly Jack, there's no need for passports to enter the Lone Star State.
Free Palestine! And the rest of East Texas too!
And while you are there in Palestine, you can ride a choo-choo and pretend you are Dagny Taggart. http://www.texasstaterr.com/
Well somebody's got to lead the people on the fields of Armageddon. And somebody has to fight/die there, so win-win!
What a coincidence! Our neighborhood cleanup is Saturday! I guess the scheduling was all part of God's Plan (TM) to get our neighborhood looking neat and clean for Jesus.
i have to go to a wedding.
bad timing people, bad timing.
The only thing Beckers is lacking is a floppy bible.
A floppy BIPPLE won't do huh?
His tiny pee-pee stays floppy. that's part of his problem.
the problem with al swearengen is you can't decide which wisdoms are best for glenn beck:
Gabriel's trumpet will produce you from the ass of a pig.
Announcing your plans is a good way to hear God laugh.
Here's my counteroffer to your counteroffer: go fuck yourself!
fucking glenn beck.
OT
Trump decides not to run for Prez. Too bad. It would have been great fun. Leaves the race for the crazy open to Michelle or half dozen other ultra maroons
At this point he would have been better off attempting to bury himself at sea to see if anyone will pay attention anymore. Obama done killed his public persona but good.
I suppose that someone told him that he would have to release his financials. Probably wouldn't help him look like "The World's Greatest Businessman" if it was publically revealed that he's flat broke and borrowed to his eyeballs.
In more entertainment news, Donald Trump announced he's not running anymore: http://www.latimes.com/entertainment/news/
Pizza for everyone!
Since he's still got the Obama-hand-matching red slap marks on his face, how could he?
Wait, does that mean he isn't running like he never was, that he is no longer running, or that he's retroactively not running, and never was?
Wait, again. Who gives a fuck?
All God-fearing Americans must travel to the holy land to reject the falafel
Isn't Trump not running another sign of the apocalypse?
Pork Lips Now!
Funny, I have always thought of him as "sphincter face."
Now, that's just mean. Thank you.
Say, does anybody know where one might procure a penis-sized yarmulke?
I'd like to film a dramatic re-enactment of Beck's visit, which will undoubtedly begin with him weeping, and end with him puking all over the place.
Why would conservatives dislike Israel? It's the paragon of the right-wing welfare state, always bitching about USA, collecting massive handouts, and harassing Muslims.
Three Words: Palestinian. Rocket. Attacks.
Actually he probably enjoys a fair amount of Palestinian support, given that his rally is likely do induce multitudes of Jews to die of boredom, while the rest commit self-immolation in order to experience the sweet release.
Okay, I made it to the 2:30 mark in this fucking video. What I win?
both Palestinians and Israelis have suffered much for the last century,,, now Glenn Beck make it even harder for them
Going after Abraham's gold!
Beck / Bibi 2012
Gee, after a weekend's worth of violent skirmishes on all three borders I can see no detrimental outcome resulting from this. Can we send Rage over to do an hour-long block of "Fuck tha Police" on the Lebanese side of the border at the same time?
Hopefully he'll conduct the rally with his back to the Palestinian border.
Inshallah.
Will he be baptizing all the Jews himself, or will he bring reinforcements?
So the Preakness on Saturday has a new mascot that is the back half of a horse and the front half is Mullet Man. Can we send Glenn to Israel as a new mascot? I'm thinking the back end is a horse's ass and the front end is a horse's ass, and the head is a horse's ass. And his name is Gland Bunk, testosterizor of the stupid.
Get the straightjacket. He's ready.
But are the Geese going to be there?
Would that make Beck, the Anti-Christ? Or would he be the Auntie-Christ? Or would he be the Auntie-Anti-Christ twice removed?
Wake me up when the world ends so I won't pee my pants.
Maybe some members of Hamas can attend, too! To give the rally some pizazz.
Hey, if the Israelis and the Palestinians ever got along and stopped killing each other, about 12 countries that have been supplying arms to both sides all these years would shrivel up and die. Can't have that, now, can we? Think of all that money going to teacher salaries or renweable energy sources.
Nah!
The Latter-day Saint don't like it… Rock the Casbah, rock the Casbah!
Ecce Homo
I love bilingual puns.
Our downfister has deleted a few comments on Breitbart in response to our linking to them over here, so he is actually reading.
Once Christian Zionists realize how hard it is to find bacon in Israel they'll be content to stay in the south.
God have mercy on the peoples that reject the noble pig. Woe to the nations that deny itself the saving grace that is bacon. Pity the man who will never know the ecstasy provided by these marbled strips of heaven.
Please, please, Glen. Get out of the US now!!! Stay wherever you want.
LET MY PEOPLE GO!
At least some movement forward in the Middle East.
What our Glenn is refering to as a major rally in Israel the inhabitants there, regardless of political persusaion, are calling it "target practice."
And I saw when the Lamb opened one of the seals, and I heard, as it were the noise of a Fox News Special Report, one of the four beasts saying, Come and see.
[2] And I saw, and behold a white horse: and he that sat on him was a Government Union Worker; and a crown was given unto him: and he went forth conquering, and to conquer.
[3] And when he had opened the second seal, I heard the second beast say, Come and see.
[4] And there went out another horse that was red: and power was given to Barack Obama as he sat thereon to take peace from the earth, and that they should kill one another: and there was given unto him a great sword.
[5] And when he had opened the third seal, I heard the third beast say, Come and see. And I beheld, and lo a black horse; and Bill Ayers sat on him had a pair of balances in his hand.
[6] And I heard a voice in the midst of the four beasts say, A measure of wheat for a penny, and three measures of barley for a penny; and see thou hurt not the oil and the wine. And he was sponsored by Goldline, where you should exchange all your gold.
[7] And when he had opened the fourth seal, I heard the voice of the fourth beast say, Come and see.
[8] And I looked, and behold a pale horse: and his name that sat on him was George Soros, and Hell followed with him. And power was given unto them over the fourth part of the earth, to kill with sword, and with hunger, and with death, and with the beasts of the earth.
So, who is the Whore of Babylon in all of this? You know, the one with the multiple heads/humps/ladylumps?
Who is the one women that strikes fear more than any other in the hearts of all Conservatives. The one they have no power over, and who makes them weep.
Yes, Hillary.
The classiest religious second-coming movement since David Koresh!
Url.
Terrible Dad
I guess those flying geese at his last rally was a message from God:
"GLEN GO TO ISRAEL AND FIND THE NEXT AFLAC DUCK SPOKESMAN"
Let me guess his platform will be lower taxes, an end to mandatory military service, and a much less powerful Israeli government that stays out of people's lives?
And that, my friend, is a funny joke.
Find some other sucker to click on your YouPorn links, Jack! No way am I giving up 13 and a half minutes of my life to stare at/listen to a giant penis.
It looks as if the weight of all of this knowledge may be wearing this great philosopher down.
So, the horsemen of the apocalypse going to be riding Rascals now? That so isn't how I pictured it.
Is the Beckster crazy enough to find this shit worth choking up over, or is he just playing the morons, like–
Fuck him! He just said Bonhoeffer. Beck does not own Bonhoeffer. He doesn't even deserve to read about Bonhoeffer, a Lutheran and very liberal.
"There are people who will say this is crazy."
Well, yeah. What's the point, Beckster?
If he mentions Bonhoeffer one more time, I will personally hunt Beck down and kick him so hard in the nutz he'll never walk upright again.
so very good thanks for that.
DustBowl I'm with you…I just want to slap his fucking face for that….
I'll be there for ya Glenn! I just need to know one thing: can I get my Jazzy Scooter on the plane as carry-on luggage?
with Glenn Beck in Jerusalem, I have a vision of truck nutz pinned to the Wailing Wall…
Never mind the hilarious ante-upping of fear, does this idiot's wingnut base realize he's Mormon? I mean, these guys believe Utah is Zion and Jesus was just an angel..so this whole theater of paranoia he's utilizing is exploiting a religion and an area his religion doesn't consider to be all that "holy"….dumbshits.
"I'm sixty-four years old, Dad. stop calling me Little Satan!" –Israel.
I'm sorry fellows, but we don't speak Jive here.
It's raining rocks, hallelujah!
Pssst… hey… Glenn… you are an ASSHOLE!
Just thought you should know…
we're sending Newt next, so heads up
I wonder if a goose will fly over him in Jerusalem as a sign from God, as he thinks a few did here in DC.
Apparently the Beckster has been disabled on the video, or some such thing…
Calling Beck "disabled" is too charitable.
Okay, this one HAS to be stolen from the Onion. It just HAS to be.
It's amazing how much of that 13 minutes Glenn spend saying nothing at all, but just dramatically pausing and talking about History and Standing Up and Justice and Evil and all that hooey without actually linking it to anything whatsoever. The man doesn't use dogwhistles; he is a dogwhistle.
i couldn't watch, weak stomach.
is anyone liveblogging the saturday meltdown? i mean either way, reactions should be pretty hilarious.
My theory is that Beck is pulling a Kaufman-esque piece of performance art. He will lead people to believe that he is a prophet of some sort, only to reveal at the end that it's all been a con to teach people not to follow false prophets.
If only….
This is why America can't have nice things.
Israel is probably one of the only other nations in the world where his shit could work. That said, I love for Beck to go full xtian wingnut and simple tell the truth that he an other evangelicals only sees Jews and Israel as a means to an end. They are quite literally Rapture fodder as far as he's concerned.
Looks like Hillary better start up her Apology Tour, again.
Tiny detail — Beck is not an evangelical, he's a Mormon. Admittedly, Mormons evangelize (I love the English language), but the religion they're selling is only very loosely connected to the religion of standard-issue Christian Evangelicals.
In particular, Mormon theologians pay very little attention to the entire New Testament, and this even includes Revelation. The Saints have got their own Apocalypse, which already happened, and as far as they are concerned it's pretty much clear sailing from here on out, as long as you're Mormon.
They don't give a shit about the Rapture — if you're a Saint, you're already good to go.
I'm sure this varies by individual, and of course Beck was a convert, so he may still retain apocalyptic beliefs.
I think I've figured out why he's leaving America. He's trying to escape the charges that he rapped and killed a girl in the 90's.
Jerusalem Syndrome?
Maybe the haredim will stone him for profaning the Sabbath or something.
Everyone gets everything he wants. I wanted a mission, and for my sins, they gave me one. Brought it up to me like room service. It was a real choice mission, and when it was over, I'd never want another.
Glenn Beck, Jewish Pentecostal Born-again Mormon.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0NHbOqmNVm8
Exodus! Movement of Jah people!
We have a photo of GB in a yarmulke; how about GB in a streimel? Or even at the nude beach near Tiberias? I suppose it's too much to hope he'll be photo'd cavorting with harlots on the beaches north of Tel Aviv.
Soon, though, very soon.
Me thinks someone doesn't understand the meaning of the expression "going kicking and screaming." Also, who the fuck does this guy think he is? Oh, right…. the Messiah complex thing… got it.
Oh, wow.
I thought that the Snowbilly was going to come back with a bad case of Jerusalem Syndrome, but I guess she was immune because she already thinks she's the Lord's Anointed and she doesn't like the browns much. Glennda's got himself a pretty bad case though.
Pssst… Hey, Glen!
If you find the Ark of the Covenant over there…Open it!
And keep your eyes open.
O RLY?
Why didn't I think of that image? Oh well.
You need to work on your imagination. The evil part needs some buffing up is all.
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