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CNN Accuses Newt Gingrich of Making ‘Past Discretions’

The Teabaggers aren't gonna be happy about that!
According to the Anderson Cooper teevee show on Friday, Newt Gingrich has committed “discretions” in his past. This is a serious revelation! We, and Republican voters everywhere, demand CNN release evidence Newt Gingrich has ever exercised good judgment. EVEN IF IT HAPPENED ONCE, THAT SHOULD DISQUALIFY HIM FROM THE NOMINATION. [thanks to Wonkette operative “Benton” for the tip]

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Jack Stuef is your loyal editor and a freelance satirist or something like that. He is a contributing writer for The Onion. E-mail him or whatever.

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Comments

Hey there, Wonkeputians! Shypixel here to remind you to remember our Commenting Rules For Radicals, Enjoy!

  • MittsHairHelmet

    Discretions have no place in the GOP primary.

    • http://wonkette.com ManchuCandidate

      Neither does intelligence or telligence (CNN style.)

      • DaRooster

        But I saw it on the ternet.

        • Doktor Zoom

          Trust but ver.

          • Lascauxcaveman

            You people are sane!

          • horsedreamer_1

            We're on a televator to the top!

  • CrankyLttlCamperette

    How do these people have jobs (and I don't)?

    • Arken

      Discretion, obviously.

  • http://thethingsrepublicanshate.com/ Chillwaver

    On the "Anderson Cooper teevee show," Is John King the bitch or the butch?

    • elviouslyqueer

      Yes.

    • Negropolis

      I can't get over how John King does everything short of winking at the camera. That guy luvs himself. Anderson doesn't even try.

  • http://zvibleindmeis.tumblr.com/ SpurningBeer

    Mr. Gingrich has been genuous at times, then. So he's corrigible after all.

    • user-of-owls

      Certainly back in 94 it was apt to call him cendiary.

  • V572..whatever

    Prefixes are so 20th Century. Wait a minute, make that: Fixes are so 20th Century.

    And who's that tranny in the screen shot w/John King?

  • http://intensedebate.com/people/mrblifil mrblifil

    Well on his craigslist ads he always insists he is "discreet."

  • Boredw/Gravitas

    As long as they were youthful (i.e., occurring under the age of 60) indiscretions, I don't see a problem here. Republican candidates certainly don't.

  • http://gratuity.wordpress.com/ Gratuitous World

    whoa whoa whoa. walk it back liberal media. There's nothing about Planned Parenthood in his past, is there?

  • nounverb911

    "EVEN IF IT HAPPENED ONCE, THAT SHOULD DISQUALIFY HIM FROM THE NOMINATION. "
    That should exclude every republican except Mitt.

    • Gopherit

      Now if he fucked a page…..well, as long as he was discreet like Foley….

    • Lascauxcaveman

      He's not proud of his past discretions, and with God's help, he won't repeat them.

      • MadBrahms

        In that case, he should probably stop using the confessional for clandestine hookups.

  • http://www.facebook.com/pages/Johnny-Appletruth/133951326629923?sk=wall deanbooth

    I think they meant his past secretions.

    • http://www.kenlayisalive.org KenLayIsAlive

      discretions is short for diseased secretions perhaps?

      Newt's Diseased Secretions / Santorum 2012!

  • Tengu

    He's also ept and bred.

  • memzilla

    As covered in Gingrich's next book, "I" of Newt.

  • hagajim

    The only discretion Newt ever had was his discretion and indiscretion….and we all know Newty wouldn't have a clue what valor was – so next he may be accused of committing valor at some point as well.

  • nounverb911

    Calista better watch out.

  • Arken

    I'm credulous.

  • SorosBot

    Well he managed to keep his cheating on his second wife discrete until after he had finished impeaching Bill Clinton for doing the exact same thing he was doing, so I guess that's something.

  • http://ifthethunderdontgetya.blogspot.com/ ifthethunderdontgetya

    Stay tuned for more information from the Cheney Noose Network.
    ~

  • baconzgood

    Ewwwwwww Newt's discretions. Yuck! I don't even like thinking about it.

  • nounverb911

    Needs more Karel Capek.
    "War with the Newts"

    • Arken

      I love that novel. So few people know about it today.

  • edgydrifter

    I for one don't think his moral antics should qualify him from running for the presidency of Bizzaro World.

  • Doktor Zoom

    Newt must mediately fute these stantiated claims with vertable and fiable roberation to monstrate whelmingly that he is not a plete becile.

  • freakishlywrong

    Newt wouldn't know discretion if it bit him on the neck. That being said; Fuck CNN.

  • DaSandman

    He's a caring, considerate, DISCREET Koch sucking, sick wife dumping, money grubbing, tantrum throwing, fat, salamander looking sociopath. Hmmm, him or the food stamp president, which is, of course, salamander speak for nigger. This is a hard one so I must repair to an opium den and consider my options.

    • SorosBot

      "Food stamp President" seems to mean he's given up on even trying to hide the racism; especially considering how in the same speech he claimed the election of 2012 would be the most momentous since 1860, implying that electing Lincoln was somehow a bad thing and threatening another war of treason.

      • Rosie_Scenario

        Like those photo-shopped food stamps from the very beginning of the Obama presidency — festooned with pictures of watermelons, fried chicken, etc. Not meant to be racist. Oh, no.

  • Callyson

    I read this headline as "Past Erections." Which would be the same thing for most Republican discretions I guess.

  • BaldarTFlagass

    Viewer discretion advised.

    • Doktor Zoom

      Fewer secretions derived?

    • Lascauxcaveman

      My viewer's discretion tells me to avoid CNN.

  • memzilla

    Best anagram of Newt Gingrich: Rich Gent Wing.

    • LesBontemps

      Not "retching wing"?

  • PeaceWithHonor

    Once he didn't beat a panhandler senseless.

  • Sue4466

    To be fair, Reese's peanut butter eggs are a nice Easter candy. Other than that? I got nothing.

  • Thurman Munster IV

    This is an inflammable accusation

    • Gopherit

      inflammable means flammable? What a country!

    • Negropolis

      WIN

  • Tundra Grifter

    This morning (May 16th) Jim Hightower had a very interesting radio broadcast about Ole Newt. Turns out he's never registered as a lobbyist – although he has accepted money from corporations to push their legislative agendas. Newt claims he doesn't have to register because what's he peddling is good for the entire country.

    • http://zvibleindmeis.tumblr.com/ SpurningBeer

      Ah, the old "it's not rape if she enjoys it" rationale. That's very ept, Newton.

    • Doktor Zoom

      Oh, golly, that was swell!

      Text Link (with links to documentation)

      Audio Link (requires RealPlayer thang, or just mp3?)

      Molly Ivins is gone, but at least we still have Jim Hightower.

    • Tundra Grifter

      Link to Jim "Whole Hog" Hightower:
      http://www.jimhightower.com/node/7446

      Highly recommended!

  • http://zvibleindmeis.tumblr.com/ SpurningBeer

    That's very big of you, Doc.

  • x111e7thst

    But was he eating a souffle with/of his friends when he heard that Osama was dead?

  • Arken

    That's totally credible. I am wracked with decision on the matter.

  • El Pinche

    At first glance I thought it said "past secretions" which still makes sense. Newt has laid some Prius sized turds through out the last 20 yrs.

  • LiveToServeYa

    Oh, yeah? Well, Newt Gingrich is a diot.

    • http://zvibleindmeis.tumblr.com/ SpurningBeer

      Yup. Completely sipid.

      If only he were pervious to criticism

  • http://zvibleindmeis.tumblr.com/ SpurningBeer

    I do not think I would put much faith in any woman who says Newt is effable. Eww.

    • Doktor Zoom

      I dunno, I have no trouble saying "Eff that guy."

    • ShaveTheWhales

      Indeed. Any woman who did not consider Newter to be ineffable would be, I suppose, one of his then-future wives.

      Jamaica? I didn't even kiss her.

  • SheriffRoscoe

    That's because Discretion is Anderson's middle name. Anderson "Discretion Assured" Cooper.

  • http://zvibleindmeis.tumblr.com/ SpurningBeer

    That is such a flammatory thing to say.

  • HempDogbane

    Newt is capable of almost anything, so this is probably true.

  • PsycWench

    No mistake; it's easier to count up his discretions than the indiscretions.

  • Texan_Bulldog

    If Newt had ever actually exercised discretion, he wouldn't be thrice-married and one of the most despised R's in public life.

  • proudgrampa

    You might say Newt's making a delible mark on politics…

  • BlueStateLibel

    You sure they didn't mean "past secretions," because that would make more sense. But please, don't tell me what they were!

  • http://intensedebate.com/people/mrblifil mrblifil

    Yeah that's a queer one. So valuable it has no value, since it's value is so high it's impossible to assign value to, meaning it's valueless, by virtue of it's being so valuable. May 21 cannot come soon enough.

  • AJW@[redacted]

    Spicable example of a human being.

  • Extemporanus

    Discretion is the better part of lure.

  • comrad_darkness

    Words, what do they mean??

    • http://intensedebate.com/logout Gleem_McShineys

      Words go in, words come out, always a miscommunication! YOU CAN'T EXPLAIN IT

    • ShaveTheWhales

      thing, I guess.

  • OneDollarJuana

    If there's one thing Newt has never been, it's discrete.

  • glamourdammerung

    I actually feel bad for CNN for a change as this is kind of a no-win situation. They can not call Newt a scumbag as it will rile up the Retard-Americans since they hate the truth.

  • comrad_darkness

    Technically, inflammable means even more flammable.

  • glamourdammerung

    Of course, we could solve the energy problems in this country if we made a generator that could be powered by the spin of conservatives whining about John Edwards justifying Newt Gingrinch's "indiscretions".

  • ghblowhard

    You mean Newt's actually ingenuous,?

  • Lionel[redacted]Esq

    Now, now, there was that time that Newt decided not to fuck an intern because there were television cameras around filming him at the time.

    And he did wait until the morphine kicked in before telling his one wife that he was dumping her for an intern while she was at the hospital for her cancer treatments.

  • smitallica

    One of those ( )discretions was marital ( )fidelity while his wife was suffering with
    ( )curable cancer. Talk about ( )tegrity.

  • Tundra Grifter

    Regardless and irregardless? Or is irregardless a double negative and therefore should mean to regard?

    I just made my own head hurt…

    • ShaveTheWhales

      irregardless is not a word.

      • Tundra Grifter

        It's not a word? Is it a number?
        http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/irregar

        • ShaveTheWhales

          Sorry to reply so late.

          1. Did you read the MW entry? — it says they're going to accept "irregardless" as a word because people insist on using it, but you should use "regardless" instead.

          2. My opinion on this matter comes from my English teacher in high school, back in 1964. I've never found a good reason to change it (that is, no compelling need for "irregardless" has presented itself). However, feel free to use "irregardless" as you see fit. I won't laugh. Words are words.

  • http://howtosavetheworld.ca/ BZ1

    The Newt crawls out from its lair, just like its namesake, the slimy salamander…

  • Negropolis

    "past discretions"? What are they going to reveal, next? That he was involved in "shenanigans"?

    This is why CNN is relevant and first place in cable news. Oh, wait…

  • PostApocalypse

    And wottabout famous/infamous?

    Who do I have to blow for a teachable moment around here?

  • ShaveTheWhales

    Youse guys (this whole subthread). I thought you were all English majors. Remember connotation?

    Admittedly, flammable = inflammable is redundantly redundant, but

    valuable = has value
    invaluable = has so much value that you cannot value (v., assign a valuation to) it.

    (Just as mrblifil says)

    famous = famous in a good way
    infamous = famous in a bad way

    irregardless = if this is now considered an official word, the earthly remains of my HS English teacher are rotating gently somewhere. Although I suppose it could mean running the sprinklers even though it's raining.

  • ShaveTheWhales

    Suffer the Newt to come unto me, that I may newtralize him.