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CNN Accuses Newt Gingrich of Making ‘Past Discretions’

The Teabaggers aren't gonna be happy about that!
According to the Anderson Cooper teevee show on Friday, Newt Gingrich has committed “discretions” in his past. This is a serious revelation! We, and Republican voters everywhere, demand CNN release evidence Newt Gingrich has ever exercised good judgment. EVEN IF IT HAPPENED ONCE, THAT SHOULD DISQUALIFY HIM FROM THE NOMINATION. [thanks to Wonkette operative "Benton" for the tip]

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Jack Stuef is your loyal editor and a freelance satirist or something like that. He is a contributing writer for The Onion. E-mail him or whatever.

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92 comments

    1. Negropolis

      I can't get over how John King does everything short of winking at the camera. That guy luvs himself. Anderson doesn't even try.

  1. V572..whatever

    Prefixes are so 20th Century. Wait a minute, make that: Fixes are so 20th Century.

    And who's that tranny in the screen shot w/John King?

  2. Boredw/Gravitas

    As long as they were youthful (i.e., occurring under the age of 60) indiscretions, I don't see a problem here. Republican candidates certainly don't.

  3. nounverb911

    "EVEN IF IT HAPPENED ONCE, THAT SHOULD DISQUALIFY HIM FROM THE NOMINATION. "
    That should exclude every republican except Mitt.

    1. Lascauxcaveman

      He's not proud of his past discretions, and with God's help, he won't repeat them.

      1. MadBrahms

        In that case, he should probably stop using the confessional for clandestine hookups.

  4. hagajim

    The only discretion Newt ever had was his discretion and indiscretion….and we all know Newty wouldn't have a clue what valor was – so next he may be accused of committing valor at some point as well.

  5. SorosBot

    Well he managed to keep his cheating on his second wife discrete until after he had finished impeaching Bill Clinton for doing the exact same thing he was doing, so I guess that's something.

  6. edgydrifter

    I for one don't think his moral antics should qualify him from running for the presidency of Bizzaro World.

  7. Doktor Zoom

    Newt must mediately fute these stantiated claims with vertable and fiable roberation to monstrate whelmingly that he is not a plete becile.

  8. freakishlywrong

    Newt wouldn't know discretion if it bit him on the neck. That being said; Fuck CNN.

  9. DaSandman

    He's a caring, considerate, DISCREET Koch sucking, sick wife dumping, money grubbing, tantrum throwing, fat, salamander looking sociopath. Hmmm, him or the food stamp president, which is, of course, salamander speak for nigger. This is a hard one so I must repair to an opium den and consider my options.

    1. SorosBot

      "Food stamp President" seems to mean he's given up on even trying to hide the racism; especially considering how in the same speech he claimed the election of 2012 would be the most momentous since 1860, implying that electing Lincoln was somehow a bad thing and threatening another war of treason.

      1. Rosie_Scenario

        Like those photo-shopped food stamps from the very beginning of the Obama presidency — festooned with pictures of watermelons, fried chicken, etc. Not meant to be racist. Oh, no.

  10. Callyson

    I read this headline as "Past Erections." Which would be the same thing for most Republican discretions I guess.

  11. Sue4466

    To be fair, Reese's peanut butter eggs are a nice Easter candy. Other than that? I got nothing.

  12. Tundra Grifter

    This morning (May 16th) Jim Hightower had a very interesting radio broadcast about Ole Newt. Turns out he's never registered as a lobbyist – although he has accepted money from corporations to push their legislative agendas. Newt claims he doesn't have to register because what's he peddling is good for the entire country.

    1. Doktor Zoom

      Oh, golly, that was swell!

      Text Link (with links to documentation)

      Audio Link (requires RealPlayer thang, or just mp3?)

      Molly Ivins is gone, but at least we still have Jim Hightower.

  13. El Pinche

    At first glance I thought it said "past secretions" which still makes sense. Newt has laid some Prius sized turds through out the last 20 yrs.

    1. ShaveTheWhales

      Indeed. Any woman who did not consider Newter to be ineffable would be, I suppose, one of his then-future wives.

      Jamaica? I didn't even kiss her.

  14. SheriffRoscoe

    That's because Discretion is Anderson's middle name. Anderson "Discretion Assured" Cooper.

  15. Texan_Bulldog

    If Newt had ever actually exercised discretion, he wouldn't be thrice-married and one of the most despised R's in public life.

  16. BlueStateLibel

    You sure they didn't mean "past secretions," because that would make more sense. But please, don't tell me what they were!

  17. mrblifil

    Yeah that's a queer one. So valuable it has no value, since it's value is so high it's impossible to assign value to, meaning it's valueless, by virtue of it's being so valuable. May 21 cannot come soon enough.

  18. glamourdammerung

    I actually feel bad for CNN for a change as this is kind of a no-win situation. They can not call Newt a scumbag as it will rile up the Retard-Americans since they hate the truth.

  19. glamourdammerung

    Of course, we could solve the energy problems in this country if we made a generator that could be powered by the spin of conservatives whining about John Edwards justifying Newt Gingrinch's "indiscretions".

  20. Lionel[redacted]Esq

    Now, now, there was that time that Newt decided not to fuck an intern because there were television cameras around filming him at the time.

    And he did wait until the morphine kicked in before telling his one wife that he was dumping her for an intern while she was at the hospital for her cancer treatments.

  21. smitallica

    One of those ( )discretions was marital ( )fidelity while his wife was suffering with
    ( )curable cancer. Talk about ( )tegrity.

  22. Tundra Grifter

    Regardless and irregardless? Or is irregardless a double negative and therefore should mean to regard?

    I just made my own head hurt…

        1. ShaveTheWhales

          Sorry to reply so late.

          1. Did you read the MW entry? — it says they're going to accept "irregardless" as a word because people insist on using it, but you should use "regardless" instead.

          2. My opinion on this matter comes from my English teacher in high school, back in 1964. I've never found a good reason to change it (that is, no compelling need for "irregardless" has presented itself). However, feel free to use "irregardless" as you see fit. I won't laugh. Words are words.

  23. Negropolis

    "past discretions"? What are they going to reveal, next? That he was involved in "shenanigans"?

    This is why CNN is relevant and first place in cable news. Oh, wait…

  24. PostApocalypse

    And wottabout famous/infamous?

    Who do I have to blow for a teachable moment around here?

  25. ShaveTheWhales

    Youse guys (this whole subthread). I thought you were all English majors. Remember connotation?

    Admittedly, flammable = inflammable is redundantly redundant, but

    valuable = has value
    invaluable = has so much value that you cannot value (v., assign a valuation to) it.

    (Just as mrblifil says)

    famous = famous in a good way
    infamous = famous in a bad way

    irregardless = if this is now considered an official word, the earthly remains of my HS English teacher are rotating gently somewhere. Although I suppose it could mean running the sprinklers even though it's raining.

Comments are closed.