FUNNY PICTURES  11:19 am May 16, 2011

CNN Accuses Newt Gingrich of Making ‘Past Discretions’

by Jack Stuef

The Teabaggers aren't gonna be happy about that!
According to the Anderson Cooper teevee show on Friday, Newt Gingrich has committed “discretions” in his past. This is a serious revelation! We, and Republican voters everywhere, demand CNN release evidence Newt Gingrich has ever exercised good judgment. EVEN IF IT HAPPENED ONCE, THAT SHOULD DISQUALIFY HIM FROM THE NOMINATION. [thanks to Wonkette operative "Benton" for the tip]

 
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{ 92 comments }

MittsHairHelmet May 16, 2011 at 11:21 am

Discretions have no place in the GOP primary.

ManchuCandidate May 16, 2011 at 11:28 am

Neither does intelligence or telligence (CNN style.)

DaRooster May 16, 2011 at 11:30 am

But I saw it on the ternet.

Doktor Zoom May 16, 2011 at 11:34 am

Trust but ver.

Lascauxcaveman May 16, 2011 at 12:56 pm

You people are sane!

CrankyLttlCamperette May 16, 2011 at 11:22 am

How do these people have jobs (and I don't)?

Arken May 16, 2011 at 11:27 am

Discretion, obviously.

Chillwaver May 16, 2011 at 11:24 am

On the "Anderson Cooper teevee show," Is John King the bitch or the butch?

elviouslyqueer May 16, 2011 at 11:24 am

Yes.

Negropolis May 17, 2011 at 12:09 am

I can't get over how John King does everything short of winking at the camera. That guy luvs himself. Anderson doesn't even try.

SpurningBeer May 16, 2011 at 11:24 am

Mr. Gingrich has been genuous at times, then. So he's corrigible after all.

user-of-owls May 16, 2011 at 12:10 pm

Certainly back in 94 it was apt to call him cendiary.

V572..whatever May 16, 2011 at 11:24 am

Prefixes are so 20th Century. Wait a minute, make that: Fixes are so 20th Century.

And who's that tranny in the screen shot w/John King?

mrblifil May 16, 2011 at 11:25 am

Well on his craigslist ads he always insists he is "discreet."

Boredw/Gravitas May 16, 2011 at 11:26 am

As long as they were youthful (i.e., occurring under the age of 60) indiscretions, I don't see a problem here. Republican candidates certainly don't.

Gratuitous World May 16, 2011 at 11:26 am

whoa whoa whoa. walk it back liberal media. There's nothing about Planned Parenthood in his past, is there?

nounverb911 May 16, 2011 at 11:26 am

"EVEN IF IT HAPPENED ONCE, THAT SHOULD DISQUALIFY HIM FROM THE NOMINATION. "
That should exclude every republican except Mitt.

Gopherit May 16, 2011 at 11:51 am

Now if he fucked a page…..well, as long as he was discreet like Foley….

Lascauxcaveman May 16, 2011 at 1:15 pm

He's not proud of his past discretions, and with God's help, he won't repeat them.

MadBrahms May 16, 2011 at 7:50 pm

In that case, he should probably stop using the confessional for clandestine hookups.

deanbooth May 16, 2011 at 11:26 am

I think they meant his past secretions.

KenLayIsAlive May 16, 2011 at 12:32 pm

discretions is short for diseased secretions perhaps?

Newt's Diseased Secretions / Santorum 2012!

Tengu May 16, 2011 at 11:26 am

He's also ept and bred.

memzilla May 16, 2011 at 11:27 am

As covered in Gingrich's next book, "I" of Newt.

hagajim May 16, 2011 at 11:27 am

The only discretion Newt ever had was his discretion and indiscretion….and we all know Newty wouldn't have a clue what valor was – so next he may be accused of committing valor at some point as well.

nounverb911 May 16, 2011 at 11:28 am

Calista better watch out.

Arken May 16, 2011 at 11:28 am

I'm credulous.

SorosBot May 16, 2011 at 11:28 am

Well he managed to keep his cheating on his second wife discrete until after he had finished impeaching Bill Clinton for doing the exact same thing he was doing, so I guess that's something.

ifthethunderdontgetya May 16, 2011 at 11:28 am

Stay tuned for more information from the Cheney Noose Network.
~

baconzgood May 16, 2011 at 11:29 am

Ewwwwwww Newt's discretions. Yuck! I don't even like thinking about it.

nounverb911 May 16, 2011 at 11:29 am

Needs more Karel Capek.
"War with the Newts"

Arken May 16, 2011 at 11:52 am

I love that novel. So few people know about it today.

edgydrifter May 16, 2011 at 11:30 am

I for one don't think his moral antics should qualify him from running for the presidency of Bizzaro World.

Doktor Zoom May 16, 2011 at 11:30 am

Newt must mediately fute these stantiated claims with vertable and fiable roberation to monstrate whelmingly that he is not a plete becile.

freakishlywrong May 16, 2011 at 11:32 am

Newt wouldn't know discretion if it bit him on the neck. That being said; Fuck CNN.

DaSandman May 16, 2011 at 11:35 am

He's a caring, considerate, DISCREET Koch sucking, sick wife dumping, money grubbing, tantrum throwing, fat, salamander looking sociopath. Hmmm, him or the food stamp president, which is, of course, salamander speak for nigger. This is a hard one so I must repair to an opium den and consider my options.

SorosBot May 16, 2011 at 11:51 am

"Food stamp President" seems to mean he's given up on even trying to hide the racism; especially considering how in the same speech he claimed the election of 2012 would be the most momentous since 1860, implying that electing Lincoln was somehow a bad thing and threatening another war of treason.

Rosie_Scenario May 16, 2011 at 12:08 pm

Like those photo-shopped food stamps from the very beginning of the Obama presidency — festooned with pictures of watermelons, fried chicken, etc. Not meant to be racist. Oh, no.

Callyson May 16, 2011 at 11:35 am

I read this headline as "Past Erections." Which would be the same thing for most Republican discretions I guess.

BaldarTFlagass May 16, 2011 at 11:35 am

Viewer discretion advised.

Doktor Zoom May 16, 2011 at 11:39 am

Fewer secretions derived?

Lascauxcaveman May 16, 2011 at 1:30 pm

My viewer's discretion tells me to avoid CNN.

memzilla May 16, 2011 at 11:39 am

Best anagram of Newt Gingrich: Rich Gent Wing.

LesBontemps May 16, 2011 at 12:05 pm

Not "retching wing"?

PeaceWithHonor May 16, 2011 at 11:40 am

Once he didn't beat a panhandler senseless.

Sue4466 May 16, 2011 at 11:42 am

To be fair, Reese's peanut butter eggs are a nice Easter candy. Other than that? I got nothing.

Thurman Munster IV May 16, 2011 at 11:43 am

This is an inflammable accusation

Gopherit May 16, 2011 at 12:03 pm

inflammable means flammable? What a country!

Negropolis May 17, 2011 at 12:15 am

WIN

Tundra Grifter May 16, 2011 at 11:43 am

This morning (May 16th) Jim Hightower had a very interesting radio broadcast about Ole Newt. Turns out he's never registered as a lobbyist – although he has accepted money from corporations to push their legislative agendas. Newt claims he doesn't have to register because what's he peddling is good for the entire country.

SpurningBeer May 16, 2011 at 11:48 am

Ah, the old "it's not rape if she enjoys it" rationale. That's very ept, Newton.

Doktor Zoom May 16, 2011 at 11:54 am

Oh, golly, that was swell!

Text Link (with links to documentation)

Audio Link (requires RealPlayer thang, or just mp3?)

Molly Ivins is gone, but at least we still have Jim Hightower.

Tundra Grifter May 16, 2011 at 5:19 pm

Link to Jim "Whole Hog" Hightower:
http://www.jimhightower.com/node/7446

Highly recommended!

SpurningBeer May 16, 2011 at 11:43 am

That's very big of you, Doc.

x111e7thst May 16, 2011 at 11:45 am

But was he eating a souffle with/of his friends when he heard that Osama was dead?

Arken May 16, 2011 at 11:48 am

That's totally credible. I am wracked with decision on the matter.

El Pinche May 16, 2011 at 11:50 am

At first glance I thought it said "past secretions" which still makes sense. Newt has laid some Prius sized turds through out the last 20 yrs.

LiveToServeYa May 16, 2011 at 11:52 am

Oh, yeah? Well, Newt Gingrich is a diot.

SpurningBeer May 16, 2011 at 12:09 pm

Yup. Completely sipid.

If only he were pervious to criticism

SpurningBeer May 16, 2011 at 11:55 am

I do not think I would put much faith in any woman who says Newt is effable. Eww.

Doktor Zoom May 16, 2011 at 11:57 am

I dunno, I have no trouble saying "Eff that guy."

ShaveTheWhales May 17, 2011 at 11:15 pm

Indeed. Any woman who did not consider Newter to be ineffable would be, I suppose, one of his then-future wives.

Jamaica? I didn't even kiss her.

SheriffRoscoe May 16, 2011 at 11:55 am

That's because Discretion is Anderson's middle name. Anderson "Discretion Assured" Cooper.

SpurningBeer May 16, 2011 at 11:56 am

That is such a flammatory thing to say.

HempDogbane May 16, 2011 at 12:07 pm

Newt is capable of almost anything, so this is probably true.

PsycWench May 16, 2011 at 12:12 pm

No mistake; it's easier to count up his discretions than the indiscretions.

Texan_Bulldog May 16, 2011 at 12:18 pm

If Newt had ever actually exercised discretion, he wouldn't be thrice-married and one of the most despised R's in public life.

proudgrampa May 16, 2011 at 12:18 pm

You might say Newt's making a delible mark on politics…

BlueStateLibel May 16, 2011 at 12:18 pm

You sure they didn't mean "past secretions," because that would make more sense. But please, don't tell me what they were!

mrblifil May 16, 2011 at 12:21 pm

Yeah that's a queer one. So valuable it has no value, since it's value is so high it's impossible to assign value to, meaning it's valueless, by virtue of it's being so valuable. May 21 cannot come soon enough.

AJW@[redacted] May 16, 2011 at 12:25 pm

Spicable example of a human being.

Extemporanus May 16, 2011 at 12:39 pm

Discretion is the better part of lure.

comrad_darkness May 16, 2011 at 12:57 pm

Words, what do they mean??

Gleem_McShineys May 16, 2011 at 2:15 pm

Words go in, words come out, always a miscommunication! YOU CAN'T EXPLAIN IT

ShaveTheWhales May 17, 2011 at 11:18 pm

thing, I guess.

OneDollarJuana May 16, 2011 at 1:03 pm

If there's one thing Newt has never been, it's discrete.

glamourdammerung May 16, 2011 at 1:18 pm

I actually feel bad for CNN for a change as this is kind of a no-win situation. They can not call Newt a scumbag as it will rile up the Retard-Americans since they hate the truth.

comrad_darkness May 16, 2011 at 1:23 pm

Technically, inflammable means even more flammable.

glamourdammerung May 16, 2011 at 1:29 pm

Of course, we could solve the energy problems in this country if we made a generator that could be powered by the spin of conservatives whining about John Edwards justifying Newt Gingrinch's "indiscretions".

ghblowhard May 16, 2011 at 1:48 pm

You mean Newt's actually ingenuous,?

Lionel[redacted]Esq May 16, 2011 at 2:25 pm

Now, now, there was that time that Newt decided not to fuck an intern because there were television cameras around filming him at the time.

And he did wait until the morphine kicked in before telling his one wife that he was dumping her for an intern while she was at the hospital for her cancer treatments.

smitallica May 16, 2011 at 5:18 pm

One of those ( )discretions was marital ( )fidelity while his wife was suffering with
( )curable cancer. Talk about ( )tegrity.

Tundra Grifter May 16, 2011 at 5:20 pm

Regardless and irregardless? Or is irregardless a double negative and therefore should mean to regard?

I just made my own head hurt…

ShaveTheWhales May 17, 2011 at 11:00 pm

irregardless is not a word.

Tundra Grifter May 18, 2011 at 11:49 am

It's not a word? Is it a number?
http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/irregar

ShaveTheWhales May 21, 2011 at 2:21 am

Sorry to reply so late.

1. Did you read the MW entry? — it says they're going to accept "irregardless" as a word because people insist on using it, but you should use "regardless" instead.

2. My opinion on this matter comes from my English teacher in high school, back in 1964. I've never found a good reason to change it (that is, no compelling need for "irregardless" has presented itself). However, feel free to use "irregardless" as you see fit. I won't laugh. Words are words.

BZ1 May 16, 2011 at 6:50 pm

The Newt crawls out from its lair, just like its namesake, the slimy salamander…

Negropolis May 16, 2011 at 11:44 pm

"past discretions"? What are they going to reveal, next? That he was involved in "shenanigans"?

This is why CNN is relevant and first place in cable news. Oh, wait…

PostApocalypse May 17, 2011 at 12:55 pm

And wottabout famous/infamous?

Who do I have to blow for a teachable moment around here?

ShaveTheWhales May 17, 2011 at 11:12 pm

Youse guys (this whole subthread). I thought you were all English majors. Remember connotation?

Admittedly, flammable = inflammable is redundantly redundant, but

valuable = has value
invaluable = has so much value that you cannot value (v., assign a valuation to) it.

(Just as mrblifil says)

famous = famous in a good way
infamous = famous in a bad way

irregardless = if this is now considered an official word, the earthly remains of my HS English teacher are rotating gently somewhere. Although I suppose it could mean running the sprinklers even though it's raining.

ShaveTheWhales May 17, 2011 at 11:17 pm

Suffer the Newt to come unto me, that I may newtralize him.

horsedreamer_1 May 16, 2011 at 1:22 pm

We're on a televator to the top!

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