it's morning in america

Newt Gingrich Is Not Allowed In the Republican Party Anymore

The greatest policy minds of their generations.

  • Uh oh, you guys, a Republican presidential candidate Said a Thing Yesterday, and considering there was no higher profile candidate to trump (PUN?!) his thing, Newt Gingrich is your official Monday morning Guy Who Said a Thing Yesterday. On Meet the Press (which confirms that this happened Sunday, because if it’s Sunday), criticized the Republican Party in Congress for coming up with actual policy for once (Paul Ryan’s Budget of Wonder), calling the Medicare cuts “right-wing social engineering.” Uh, okay! We guess he is officially kicked out of the Republican Party, for criticizing it. That is usually what happens when people criticize their own party right? Or are we just trapped blogging about politics even though 99% OF POLITICS IS ABOUT NOTHING AT ALL HAPPENING? [WSJ]
  • Gabrielle Giffords’ husband Mark Kelly and his friends scooted off in their spaceship this morning. Hopefully he will find just the cutest little satellite out there he can bring home for her, and hopefully he won’t be visited by the ghosts of the early Apollo astronauts out there, who are understandably PRETTY ANGRY at the U.S. for making their spaceship out of paper, which is, surprisingly, flammable. Anyway, hooray these current guys are out in space and safe, and Giffords got to see it. [NYT]
  • Partisan news outlets such as Talking Points Memo would like you to know that a high school person sent a letter to famous person Michele Bachmann. This is something teens do when they aren’t shooting drugs into each other’s sex organs! But all the partisan readers out there are supposed to laugh at this, or something? We don’t get it. [TPM]

About the author

Jack Stuef is your loyal editor and a freelance satirist or something like that. He is a contributing writer for The Onion. E-mail him or whatever.

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      1. horsedreamer_1

        We still have Christie. Maybe.

        Run, Chris! Run!… Well, waddle. Like a penguin.*

        *Campaign documentary will be narrated by Morgan Freeman.

        1. CZL

          Here we see a fat, self-righteous white man waddle on to stage. It's not like New Jersey hadn't suffered enough, but now they must endure his heavy, labored breathing, like a portly gentleman at the local brothel. Yessir, the local brothel.

      2. elviouslyqueer

        Yes, but imagine if Haley Barbour was still in it to win it. The meaty goodness of his thighs alone could feed sub-Saharan Africa for at least a month.

    1. deanbooth

      I read yesterday that the Donner party were advised to take their fateful (longer) route by a guy who owned a store on that route. This is the modern GOP.

    2. OhNoGuy

      I think mustard or even mayo might be better, popcorn just doesn't go as well with roasted or fried flesh. But that's just my opinion.

    1. PabaBritannica

      It's that partisan news outlet again!

      Seriously, I could care less about stuff like TPM and Daily Kos, for serious.

      1. Arken

        I'm just glad Wonkette isn't partisan. Now where's that article about how Republicans are going to turn the entire planet into a burning cinder?

        1. PabaBritannica

          There's a difference between partisan farce and satire and partisan bitching about how America is ready for/too stupid to elect a mighty progressive like John Edwards.

          1. Arken

            Considering we have yet to elect a real progressive, I don't disagree with that sentiment… and sex scandal aside, I don't remember John Edwards saying anything politically that wasn't pretty much right on the money.

          2. PabaBritannica

            Like when he co-sponsored the resolution to go to war in Iraq and then walked it back when he realized there was a bumper crop of old Dean supporters to harvest in 2008?

            I'm not going to go into my personal experience with him (I'm Elizabeth Edward's ghost).

    2. Chet Kincaid

      Besides the "walkback" being a skeezy political tactic these days, you can't blame a very clear "right-wing social engineering" on misinterpretation.

    3. Ken Cuccinelli

      "There is little daylight between Ryan and Gingrich," Tyler wrote in an e-mail to the Weekly Standard.


      1. tessiee

        There's very little daylight between *anyone* and Gingrich; Newt's big ass blocks out the sun.

    4. Gleem_McShineys

      He should have gone with something that would really have resonated with the Wingnut brigade he is trying to court:

      "I never even said those things! It is a complete fabrication! The Liberal Media photoshopped my voice, you can tell by the background pixels!!"

    1. Lascauxcaveman

      Or are we just trapped blogging about politics even though 99% OF POLITICS IS ABOUT NOTHING AT ALL HAPPENING?

      This is the point where Jack just says, "Aw, screw it," and follows Riley off to the organic goat cheese collective farm he joined in Newfoundland.

  1. SorosBot

    In other words, Newtie realized that Paul Ryan's proposed destruction of Medicare is incredibly unpopular, even among the Republican base (since it benefits them).

    1. V572..whatever

      You think I'm gonna pay for Grandma's medical care? Think again, Libertarian-breath! Let the taxpayers handle it.

  2. PabaBritannica

    Someone forgot to tell Newt that he's supposed to read Atlas Shrugged and write a 3 page book report, double spaced, on why it's awesome before running for the nomination for GOD'S PARTY.

  3. x111e7thst

    Now that the Newt is back in the fold we can all go back to thinking about teens shooting drugs into each others sex organs. Which is far more pleasant to think about.

  4. horsedreamer_1

    Newt was against it, before he was for it.

    Something tells me Newt's Swiftboat is more of a Fred Smoot model, though.

  5. PuckStopsHere

    Have Vegas put a line on High School kid v. the congresswoman from Clueless, schedule it on PPV or Showtime or even C-Span and let's do this thing! I would love to see batshit crazy whatshername get punked by a high school sophomore and I think the rest of the country would too. Except for "Real America", but that goes w/out saying. Go get her, Amy!

    1. rickmaci

      "Imagine, if you will, that I am an idiot. Then, imagine that I am also a Congressman. But, alas, I repeat myself." – Mark Twain

  6. freakishlywrong

    "Though politically expedient, incorrect comments cast a shadow on your person and by unfortunate proxy, both your supporters and detractors alike often generalize this shadow to women as a whole," Myers wrote.

    Holy fuck. She's in tenth grade. I wouldn't debate her either. And I'm not a pretend patriot right wing hack with the crazy eyes.

    1. sweetcommunist

      She employs impressive-sounding words, but seems to lack the skill required to use them well. Her prose does not flow naturally.

      But, hey, she's clearly smarter than 99.9% of her peers, not to mention Michele Bachmann.

  7. ManchuCandidate

    Right Wingers would "never" social engineer because:
    a) it has the word social in it
    b) they know that engineering is a word that implies thinking (and who among them wants that?)
    c) they're hypocrites who love to project their problems onto their opponents

    1. V572..whatever

      As long as "social engineering" involves sixteen lanes of concrete to drive your Hummer (after you fuel up with cheap gas) out to your suburban McMansion on, Republicans are totally okay with it.

  8. James Michael Curley

    You know I heard Newt came out of the shower naked and saw Knut in his room and ….

    1. tessiee

      "Newt came out of the shower naked"

      OK, we're all going to send YOU the bill for our lobotomies.

  9. Boredw/Gravitas

    As a sidebar, and in the sidebar, I see a new book by Wonkett's own Ken Layne! I'm rushing over to Amazon to read the synopsis and reviews. Be right back.

    1. gef05

      Unputdownable. West Coast Review of Books.

      Better than Tolkien at his best. Literary Review Weekly.

      If you are limited, Ken's work is limited. If you are great, Ken's work is great. Alexandro Jodorowsky.

  10. GuyClinch

    Wow, amoral political nihilist Gingrich also favors the individual mandate. Should be fun! Newt should go campaign in Detroit (which he relentlessly insults ALL THE TIME) and talk about how Obama is the world's greatest Food Stamp President, because no, talking about the Kenyan socialist Obama and food stamps and Detroit isn't racially tinged at all and how dare you suggest such a thing! Fuck you, Newtie.

    1. chicken_thief

      And it ain't like Obummer didn't save the auto industry or anything with his communist socialist agenda.

    2. tessiee

      "Newt should go campaign in Detroit"

      Where he would mysteriously disappear and eventually be sold for spare parts.

    1. fuflans

      well I for one hope it doesn't end TOO soon. Can't have enough sanctimonius hypocritical windbags in the republican party for my taste.

      1. V572..whatever

        Can't imagine they'll ever run out. Huck drops out, Gingrich is in, soon to be followed by Miche1e.

        1. SorosBot

          These days, it's a requirement that all Republicans must be sanctimonious religious fundamentalists, of either the Christian or Randian variety.

          1. V572..whatever

            Meanwhile Louie Gohmert is biding his time, waiting for the strategically correct moment…

    1. widestanceroman

      Autopsy pending, although we do know that small quantities of newt semen were found in both animals digestive tracts.

  11. xsluggo

    I understand that one those two in the photo is dead from choking on a salty mackerel, or whatever Log Cabin Republicans call it these days.

  12. FlownOver

    Looks like Newtie learned more than we thought from Ol' Bill:

    1. Humpin' honeys when the wife ain't lookin'
    2. Triangulation.

    His walkback, to a voluntary surrender of guaranteed Medicare benefits, is a step forward in psychiatric gerontology. We'll know right away that grandma has gone 'round the bend when she chooses to pay thousands more a year for health care.

  13. meufchelou

    Newt may be more up for the primary than we think…..He flipped fast enough to beat Limbaugh to the punch.

  14. freakishlywrong

    Oh, and just a shout out to the Sunday funnies. Thank you for, again, providing such piercing, probing insight to…Conservative ideology.

  15. jaytingle

    Launching the shuttle safely is only half the battle. Keep in mind that the world is ending Saturday evening. Who is going to provide mission control for the re-entry of the space vehicle? As noble as Commander Giffords (or whatever) is, these shuttles don't land themselves. I suggest they aim for the parking lot at Mall of America, which is probably really big.

    1. mog253

      Uh, if the world is ending, there's no place to land, right? Just a jagged hole in space with a bunch of junk floating around.

  16. HempDogbane

    Why hasn't Minnesota produced a high school kid to challenge Bachmann with fact thingies? Time to reform education again !

    1. AJW@[redacted]

      I suppose if Crazy Eyes got the newt to tutor her, she'd win. After all, the newt is a historian, right? Just ask him.

  17. Mumbletypeg

    hopefully he won’t be visited by the ghosts of the early Apollo astronauts out there

    Like when those Russian astronauts claimed visions of celestial beings out there with them in space?
    I liked how skydiving Judd Nelson put it better:


  18. Gopherit

    God, Newt looks like a perverted Garrison Kellior in that picture.

    That's the news from McLean, Virginia, where the men are cheaters, the women have cancer, and the children are below average.

  19. noodlesalad

    Newt's healthcare plan, throw everyone under the bus. Which is actually Paul Ryan's plan, too, which is why Newt is walking it back. To throw it under the bus again. When it gets cancer. They are all terrible, I guess is what I'm saying, and deserve to be thrown under the bus. I don't think I got enough of that saying in 2008. Or too much. Under the bus.

  20. PabaBritannica

    Hey, Republicans are all about giving people freedom to choose (anything except abortions), so Newt wanted a chance to survey the market and make a rational self-interested decision. It's a market-based solution to his being a presidential candidate no one likes anyway.

  21. baconzgood

    Newt Gingrich bitching that the Republicans are engaging in “right-wing social engineering" is like…

    1. tessiee

      Me making fun of Bristle for being a skanky slut with a big fat ass?

      Oh, wait.

  22. edywin2

    So does Callista Whateverthefuch, her maiden name I assume, have socially engineered boobies? Now thats some nice right wing engineering. Maybe the high school guy can find a right wing socially engineered cheerleader for the Fat Man too, after the boy plays College Bowl with Meechelle. (and they can take purty pitchers from space of the event from the now duct taped together old spaceship).

    1. V572..whatever

      Her perfectly spherical hairdo is a fine example of tonsorial engineering, that's for sure.

  23. widestanceroman

    Policies not withstanding, he can't go away fast enough for me, as the sound of his voice or whatever that sound is that he emits, is the male equivalent of Palin's. It inspires violence.

    Is it yet another secret club rule that Republicans' voices must be really, really offensive?

    1. Terry

      I think it's that people with terrible voices get their asses kicked regularly while growning up and this forms their viewpoints until their politics are essentially to say screw everyone else but themselves.

    2. tessiee

      "Is it yet another secret club rule that Republicans' voices must be really, really offensive?"

      Perhaps in the vain hope that it will make the *content* of what they're saying less offensive by comparison?

  24. carlgt1

    what people like THAT call "right-wing social engineering" the rest of the world usually calls "concentration camps"

  25. fuflans

    to be fair, you don't have to shoot drugs into your sex organs to laugh at michele bachmann.

  26. Terry

    Well, apparently Ron Paul gave a fun interview where he explained the Libertarian approach to dealing with floods….tough noogies if you decide to build near a river. He's very anti-FEMA, too, and not just the Brownie era FEMA. Not a surprise to people who've listened to him for a while, but a bit of a shock to his more casual listeners.

    1. V572..whatever

      Tweetie had him on Friday. Obstetro-Congressman Dr Paul also called for legalization of heroin and said he thought it was okay for business owners to put up signs saying "Whites Only."

      He's going to go far! And I'm not kidding — he says the free market will drive business away from racist stores, and that sensible people won't become heroin addicts.

      1. Terry

        On an average day, what percentage of people do you encounter who could be considered "sensible"? Don't include a trip to Walmart or the like, please.

    2. SorosBot

      Yesterday on Fox News, he claimed that Social Security and Medicare were unconstitutional, and then compared them to slavery.

      Even according to the Libertarian fringe view that wants to return to the Lochner-era interpretation of the commerce clause, they are still constitutional because they come under the tax and spending clause of Article 1, Section 8 which clearly states that Congress can spend money on whatever it wants, so the guy has proven yet again that he has no clue about what's in the Constitution and just likes to pretend it supports his radical worldview.

      1. tessiee

        "he claimed that Social Security and Medicare were unconstitutional, and then compared them to slavery"

        But paying into a pool of money held by…
        oh, just say for example…
        *an insurance corporation*… is just peachy keen, right?

    3. GOPCrusher

      I guess I don't understand why Ron Paul is running for President, since he seems to think that anything short of total anarchy in unconstitutional. If he was President, wouldn't he just be part of the problem?

      1. Terry

        He's running for the same reason a certain man with a walrus mustache wanted to be the US rep to the UN.

      2. Rotundo_

        What is taking the helm to run the ship aground Alex? I'll take winning political strategies for 400 please!

  27. baconzgood

    I'd like to see that quiz between them. But only if Regis Philbin was there with his intense music and that Planet of the Apes noise sounded at the end of it.

    1. Weenus299

      Bachman would play, but Constitutional questions are in the Forbidden Zone, marked by crucified remains.

    2. tessiee

      "that Planet of the Apes noise"

      Damn you! Damn you! You maniacs! You blew it all up!!

    1. tessiee

      Good idea!
      He's been with is spouse du jour long enough to get bored with her; time to attack the servants.

  28. SorosBot

    I'm not sure how anyone would encounter the ghosts of dead Apollo astronauts "out there" when their spaceship's flammability killed them on the ground, during a test weeks before they supposed to launch. Besides the whole thing where there's no such thing as ghosts, I mean.

  29. LesBontemps

    Given the general state of things, Mark Kelly-Giffords made the right call in getting off the planet.

  30. Pragmatist2

    First Haley Barbour then Mike Huckabee and now you are expelling Newt Gingrinch!
    If these guys can't make it as Republicans who will carry the banner of the obese, Southern, white male – the very heart of the GOP?

    1. GOPCrusher

      And they are already destroying Mittens because of Romneycare.
      Palin/Bachmann 2012!

        1. Rotundo_

          Which one? The aw-shucks drawly one that popped out a few weeks back or the earlier one that sounded midwestern? We have a selection of T-Paw characters to select from evidently.

  31. Weenus299

    Yeah, and for this girl, there are at least 50,000 15-year-old boys out there who challenge Bachman to fuck.

  32. simplyblue7

    Whoa! Slow down there buddy…we're able to go into space? But aren't there new lands out in the ocean to discover? (Thank you Education Budget Cuts)

  33. DustBowlBlues

    Right wing social engineering? Sounds like a "Final Solution" for people who have the audacity to be unable to afford medical care. You know, in his adulterous heart, Newt secretly loves the idea. What a political sellout that douche is.

  34. SorosBot

    What happened? Blair's weekly Michelle Obama post appeared above, and now has vanished into the aether. And the comment I made was totally the funniest one ever, really.

  35. mrblifil

    Remember when the nations children watched a teacher blown to hell in a cosmic sized fireball causing Nancy Reagan to opine "Oh, no?" Good times, good times.

  36. skytrucker

    I love this image of Newt. He looks so impish and cuddly. For some reason I always find myself imagining what the bear would do to him if it were full grown and ravenously hungry. –Is that wrong of me?

  37. Guppy06

    "We guess he is officially kicked out of the Republican Party, for criticizing it. That is usually what happens when people criticize their own party right?"

    You mean like Lieberman?

  38. El Pinche

    If I had time, I'd photoshop Newt wearing a bib and holding some silverware in that pic.

  39. BarackMyWorld

    Can the new political consensus just be "Newt Gingrich is too shitty of a human being to get elected president" so we can just ignore him and move on?

    1. Rotundo_

      I don't think there is such a person: W was elected (sort of, twice even) and Newtie isn't even in the same league. I wish it were so, all the same.

  40. proudgrampa

    Gingrich. Palin. Trump. Paul. Pizza Guy (?). Swear to God, the GOP really is Grand, ain't it?

    1. chicken_thief

      If they nominate the "Rent's Too Damn High" guy, though, they just might get my vote. But I'm waiting to see how his attempt to find a 1st Lady go before I commit.

  41. owhatever

    Right wing social engineering. It falls trippingly from the tongue, and shall be repeated non-stop for the next entire year. Thnx Newt. Free blowjob from an intern of your choice, female or male.

  42. Moonbat

    It'd read like outtakes from Deadwood, probably.

    "Gingrich is a vile and detestable cur, on whom I'd not waste an ounce of my own urine, even were he aflame and perambulating recklessly through the painted wood erections of my own town, and no human cocksucker will tell me otherwise."

  43. proudgrampa

    Don't you wish that bear cub would just turn around and bite Newt in the nuts?

  44. PuckStopsHere

    She already looks cruel and heartless. And she ain't gonna be the taking anybody to school, she's goingl be the one being schooled. Of course, Wingnuttia we'll believe the Constitution to be whatever scary eyes says it is, so there is that. But for the rest of us–political Nirvana.

  45. ManchuCandidate

    Being an injinear, I agree.

    My politics is center left, but I'm considered a fucking commie to my coworkers and classmates. Some are religoids (but not many) while many have been infected with Randian libertardian bullshit.

    The problem is that many injinears are too focused on injinearing and neglect everything else in society. We don't study enough history, social sciences and/or arts. Part of that problem is that our courses are so intellectually demanding we don't do much but study and get drunk. Our world view is focused into a laser beam and we miss everything else.

    Plus many of us are control freaks.

    1. SorosBot

      It seems like, whenever the likes of Rush trot out a "scientist" to dish out anti-science like global warming denialism or creationism, it turns out they're not actually a scientist but an engineer; I'd guess part of this is because they don't actually learn the scientific method, but applications of science.

    2. sweetcommunist

      I think the biggest influence on whether someone becomes a nutjob is religion, and as you move from the "soft" to the "hard" sciences, religious beliefs seem to become more intense. It's pretty well established, for instance, that biologists are mostly atheists (myself included), but as you drift along the hard line of science toward chemistry and ultimately physics/mathematics, religiosity is more accepted. I'm not sure why that is, but I blame math, though that's probably because I'm terrible at it, and deeply resentful. More math = less questioning, more dogma. It feeds into conservatism, insidiously.

  46. tessiee

    I was a pompous, windbaggy little shit in 10th grade, and even I didn't write like that.

  47. loulouroo

    Snark aside, this could be heralding the death of the Tea Party, as moderate republicans finally realize that these mouth breathers have no place in forming public policy and are ripping the party apart. I can dream, can't I? Though, it may be a good thing to allow the right cannibalize themselves into obsoletion.

      1. loulouroo

        I'm very old. I swear I recall such a beast from my youth, though it could be senility setting in.

  48. OhNoGuy

    Alt text should be – "Go ahead, bite me in the ass, everything else has lately".

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