FLOTUS FILES  12:00 pm May 16, 2011

Michelle Obama Guilty of Letting Black People Visit White House

by Blair Burke

That's MRS. Flotus to you...White America is very concerned about what is happening to the White House these days — key word here being, of course, “white.” Michelle Obama has recently been seen in public doing urban dances, and even invited some sort of gang member to the White House for a poetry reading/cop-killing brainstorming party. Many Americans are under the impression that at this rate, Tyler Perry will soon have an office in the West Wing to share with the Black Panthers, or the Crips. They are all the same thing, right? What exactly is Michelle up to?

Maybe our FLOTUS is just trying to get the kids in shape for swimsuit season, but then again, maybe she thinks that because her husband blew up Osama bin Laden, no one cares what kind of street culture she introduces to the children. You saw her do the Dougie, and here she is again, playing some sort of strange game with a red ball, and then dancing to “Whip My Hair,” an anti-American call to violence that goes:

Don’t let haters get me off my grind
Whip my hair, I know I’ll be fine
Keep fighting until I get there
When I’m down and I feel like giving up
I whip my hair back and forth
I whip my hair back and forth (just whip it)

This is apparently what it takes to get children off the couch these days, so it appears that anyone who doesn’t like it will just have to stay fat, forever. Stay fat or succumb to the cultural contributions of African-Americans! [CBS News]

Blair Burke (blairelinor@gmail.com) obsessively follows Michelle Obama’s every move for “The FLOTUS Files,” which appears every Monday here at your Wonkette.

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Arken May 16, 2011 at 11:07 am

Staying fat is just what Jesus wanted.

Sophist[Kochblocker] May 16, 2011 at 12:11 pm

That's what his all-you-can-eat breadsticks and fried fish thing was about, right? It's been a while since Sunday school, so my memory is a bit fuzzy, but I think that's how it was…

AJW@[redacted] May 16, 2011 at 12:39 pm

Not another fish dicks joke!

gef05 May 16, 2011 at 12:24 pm

Right. He didn't take one fish and make a half fish. He took one fish and turned it into a Double Fried Crispy Real Fish Filet with Mayo Family Bucket Special. This shit aint rocket surgery.

mayor_quimby May 16, 2011 at 7:32 pm

Much P to you, dude with a freddy kruger like icon. Rocket Surgery will be worked into every possible conversation, until I tire of it.

Barb May 16, 2011 at 11:09 am

"….at this rate, Tyler Perry will soon have an office in the West Wing …."
It's worse than we thought! Tyler Perry is the transsexual from all those chick flicks. Gosh, now Michelle won't even let people have wieners at the White House. She's going to starve and castrate us all! If Newt's current wife was the FLOTUS we would at least get Reeses peanut butter eggs.

Arken May 16, 2011 at 12:04 pm

Tyler Perry is going to have an office as head of Tyler Perry's Department of Tyler Perry Affairs: a Tyler Perry agency.

Sophist[Kochblocker] May 16, 2011 at 12:34 pm

The man do like to put his name on things, don't he? He's like Donald trump, except the wigs he wears are much more convincing.

horsedreamer_1 May 16, 2011 at 1:27 pm

Given TP's penchant for transvestism, I would say he's what becomes of a Twins-style gene-splicing experiment involving sperm from The Donald, Rudy Giuliani, & Alan Keyes.

SorosBot May 16, 2011 at 2:28 pm

He can stay in the White House closet.

CapeClod May 16, 2011 at 2:54 pm

Tyler Perry already has a job as head of Starfleet.

BerkeleyBear May 16, 2011 at 4:25 pm

No one would get the eggs but Newt, who'd then gather a group of starving kids and slowly eat the eggs in front of them, occassionally flinging a crumb into the crowd to see them fight for it.

SorosBot May 16, 2011 at 11:10 am

Michelle Obama is dancing to Willow Smith? Great, next she'll be getting an E-Meter test and reading Dianetics.

horsedreamer_1 May 16, 2011 at 1:28 pm

Will it also mean that she & Barack are two of them queers, like Will & Jada Pinkett Smith & John Travolta & Kelly Preston?

Negropolis May 17, 2011 at 12:44 am

Wait, which one? Will or Jada? Never heard that one before.

horsedreamer_1 May 17, 2011 at 10:00 am

That came up when the Fresh Prince's flirtations with Dianetics &/or friendship with Tom Cruise came to light.

Gratuitous World May 16, 2011 at 11:11 am

If it's not Ted Nugent high on Mary Todd Lincoln's laudanum stash and shooting skeet with Dolly Madison's fine china, it's too urban for "certain people."

orygoon May 16, 2011 at 12:04 pm

As far as I know, the White House still has a back door. So what's the problem?

DaRooster May 16, 2011 at 12:04 pm

Whip it good!

(Don't mind if I do)

nounverb911 May 16, 2011 at 12:04 pm

”Michelle Obama Guilty of Letting Black People Visit White House”
President Huckabee will be sure to prevent future occurrences of that.

freakishlywrong May 16, 2011 at 12:07 pm

Who, really, is going to be the first hysterical wingtard to just finally shout "N&^%er!"…and no, Dr. Laura doesn't count, she was just yelling it a caller.

freakishlywrong May 16, 2011 at 12:20 pm

Yes. He and Michael Steele are NICOS. Not sure I have to spell that one out.

EatsBabyDingos May 16, 2011 at 12:07 pm

Needz moar "Achy Breaky Heart."

PsycWench May 16, 2011 at 12:09 pm

She just needs to work some snake handling into her dance work, then that segment of America could relax.

user-of-owls May 16, 2011 at 12:16 pm

Alas, no. I can already see the Drudge siren headline if she goes full Pentecostal:


V572..whatever May 16, 2011 at 12:09 pm

Every time you think your adoration for her cannot increase….

mrblifil May 16, 2011 at 12:10 pm

Jes' gutter trash trashin' up the gutters…

WIDTAP May 16, 2011 at 12:12 pm
Lascauxcaveman May 16, 2011 at 12:12 pm

Doing the "Dougie"? She should be teaching the kids that most AMERICAN of dances; THE MACARENA..

proudgrampa May 16, 2011 at 12:42 pm

I could, too. But she's so damn healthy she'd probably break me into little tiny pieces. And yeah, she is HAWT.

mayor_quimby May 16, 2011 at 7:36 pm

The good thing about bangin a chick who is in better shape than you is she'll do most of the work. Trust me on this

SorosBot May 16, 2011 at 12:12 pm

Great, Tyler Perry's probably going to do the movie on the Obamas' life, so it'll be full of Christian moralizing, characters with one-dimensional personalities, Tyler Perry in drag, and have the exact same plot as every other of the many, many movies he's made (what is it, about five a year?).

BerkeleyBear May 16, 2011 at 4:28 pm

I suspect the Os are not big fans of Medea movies. Hopefully, Spike Lee will stay away, too.

mrblifil May 16, 2011 at 12:16 pm

Heh furiously upfisting to counteract the pathetic morbidly obese micropenis craver of negative attention.

spudgun May 16, 2011 at 12:29 pm

Yes, I must admit I have benefited greatly (and gratefully) from the fluffing of others after the mighty sting of downfisting, so I am paying it forward today as well…carry on, Mr. B.

elviouslyqueer May 16, 2011 at 12:16 pm

I expect an erudite, reasoned tweet about this from Sarah Palin any second now.

user-of-owls May 16, 2011 at 12:21 pm

I, on the other hand, expect a tweet from her that is loaded with Bolshoit.

mrblifil May 16, 2011 at 12:17 pm

Makes me long to pull out the Boney Moroni.

randcoolcatdaddy May 16, 2011 at 12:19 pm

No wonder the economy is in the dumps. FLOTUS has ground our conspicuously consuming electorate to a halt, bypassing inexpensive assembly line food that employs millions of workers for some kind of strange weeds grown by some organic hippies.

Remember – what's good for McDonald's is good for America's bottom line.

Cheetah Repeater May 16, 2011 at 12:20 pm

And don't be trying to sneak in Wayne Brady, Obamas. We're pretty sure he might be black too.

snoopyfan2010 May 16, 2011 at 1:04 pm

He's Canadian so that's just an unseasonably nice tan.

freakishlywrong May 16, 2011 at 12:21 pm

She IS just adorable though, isn't she?

edgydrifter May 16, 2011 at 12:25 pm

Yes, because Laura Bush goose-stepping around the White House lawn in a Percocet haze singing Proud to be an American through a megaphone is the preferable alternative for motivating our slovenly youth.

James Michael Curley May 16, 2011 at 12:26 pm

It's getting to be like every musical event at the White House is primed to end up on the next Weird Al album.

elviouslyqueer May 16, 2011 at 12:26 pm
LiveToServeYa May 16, 2011 at 12:42 pm

He's a good ill-will ambassador.

horsedreamer_1 May 16, 2011 at 1:30 pm

Fred Astaire?

NorthStarSpanx May 16, 2011 at 12:37 pm

Michelle doesn't have weave required to Whip that hair.

vulpes82 May 16, 2011 at 12:40 pm

People, don't you see? THERE ARE NEGROES LIVING IN THE WHITE HOUSE!!!11!1eleven11!!!

LiveToServeYa May 16, 2011 at 12:47 pm

Yes, but is our children dancing?

James Michael Curley May 16, 2011 at 12:48 pm

If I were booking for White House entertainment I'd think twice about what happened in that Will Smith film.

Extemporanus May 16, 2011 at 12:49 pm

Wait, shouldn't those be basketballs?

Negropolis May 17, 2011 at 1:25 am

They should be watermelons, but those are even harder to roll.

mavenmaven May 16, 2011 at 12:56 pm

"why, them colored folks are acting comfortable like they own the place, what will be next, Spanish, Chinese? We need to take Merka back"

Negropolis May 17, 2011 at 1:28 am

Before you know it, we'll be overrun with Prussians, Yugoslavs, and Indochinamen. Also, the Malays, British East Africans, and Rhodesians. Also.

glamourdammerung May 16, 2011 at 1:01 pm

Teabaggers were all about killing the cops and military last summer.

snoopyfan2010 May 16, 2011 at 1:06 pm

They used to call that Jazz-ercize back when I was a youngster.

horsedreamer_1 May 16, 2011 at 1:29 pm

Down in Hutu Hell.

Geminisunmars May 16, 2011 at 1:30 pm

You know what the subversive sub-text of that is, dontcha? The Obamas, fit and hot. The Republicans, not.

horsedreamer_1 May 16, 2011 at 1:32 pm

Needs more Clay Matthews.

ShaveTheWhales May 17, 2011 at 11:49 pm

Stay strong. There'll still be a season.

zappadoo76 May 16, 2011 at 2:09 pm

Michelle is an attractive and presentable Negress, and as far as I am concerned she can invite anyone to the White House she wants.

kittenbomb May 16, 2011 at 2:29 pm

Yeah, it looks all innocent, but I heard Michelle served gin and juice to those kids as refreshments. True story.

Lazy Media May 16, 2011 at 3:27 pm

Goddamn trustafarian douchebags and their goddamn kickball.

iburl May 16, 2011 at 3:36 pm

Overkill has better hair whipping songs.

SaintRond May 16, 2011 at 4:48 pm

Throwing up is better.

simplyblue7 May 16, 2011 at 6:10 pm

it's obvious Michelle (or Mrs. O, as I like to call her) intends on only letting black people getting fit as the only activity she is promoting are dancing and sports…two activities white people are not very good at.

BZ1 May 16, 2011 at 6:53 pm

I now fondly recall that other Whitish House residents were dancers… sort of…

mayor_quimby May 16, 2011 at 7:30 pm

Honestly, I think she shoulda upped the stakes a couple notches and played some White House lawn dodgeball. Or to be a true Amurrkan, smear the queer (I didn't know what that meant as a kid) where the fat kid has an advantage – you can catch him, but you can't bring him down without gang tackling.
Actually, I wish we had both of these games after every meeting at work.

Negropolis May 17, 2011 at 12:31 am

I think the key word is less "white", than the key words are "these days", cause they sure as hell didn't care who was going in and out of the White House when lobbyist and other assorted corporate whores were practically sneaking out the back door with the public's money and literally writing public policy (i.e. Cheney and the energy execs) in the people's house during the Bush administration.

Negropolis May 17, 2011 at 12:38 am

It is said that our body is a temple. I guess Real America won't be satisfied until we're all as big as fucking Versailles.

NadePaulKuciGravMcKi May 17, 2011 at 9:54 am


Lupe Fiasco and Skylar Grey want to perform
Words I Never Said … at the white house

horsedreamer_1 May 17, 2011 at 10:03 am

Chicago Nite at the White House. Do it the same weekend as the Pitchfork Fest or Lollapalooza. Have Smashing Pumpkins, Urge Overkill, Kanye, Styx (I think), Liz Phair, the Eclectics, Lupe there. Hot times.

ttommyunger May 17, 2011 at 10:19 am

I smile every time I see the FLOTUS in action imagining Boehner, Newt, Limpbaugh and the rest fapping over her, and you know they do. She ought to have a tattoo over that ample athletic young ass of hers saying: "Boys need not apply."

ShaveTheWhales May 17, 2011 at 11:51 pm

ttommy, you have an evil imagination. I like that in a guy older than me. It gives me hope for the future.

ttommyunger May 19, 2011 at 6:41 am

Hope is wonderful. Almost as beneficial as a sense of humor. I keep a healthy supply of both on hand at all times. Evil imagination? I like that, thanks ;)

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