Ron Paul officially entered the field for the Republican presidential nomination today. “That’s nice,” America replied. Let’s face it: the GOP field is terrible—a collection of accidental governors who were made obsolete by the dawn of the beeper, a pizza expert, and two genial but off-putting Mormon men wearing nice shirts and ties who would like to talk to you about your feelings. The only shot at beating Obama is for the GOP to look at potential entrants who haven’t taken any steps toward running for president. And the only shot at your editor hitting eight posts today is to do this: UNDECLARED REPUBLICAN PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATE POWER RANKINGS. Who is up?! Who is down?! Et cetera?!
1. RONALD REAGAN
Why he could win: Just has to remind voters of Iran-Contra and his work with the mujahideen. People loved that! They can’t get enough of it!
Why he probably won’t win: Although 20 Republican-held state governments have redirected their Planned Parenthood funding to a team trying to reanimate his corpse, Reagan is getting really ratty and looks pretty skimpy in the football uniform they dressed him up in.
2. MIKE HUCKABEE
Why he could win: Could strike fear into the hearts of rogue dictators and terrorist masterminds by defeating them in pie-eating contests.
Why he probably won’t win: Really likes where his life is right now; also, completely unaware the last presidential election wasn’t just a one-time deal and actually happens every four years.
3. DICK CHENEY
Why he could win: If he sighs loud enough, people will be like, “Fine, Dick Cheney, you can be our candidate.” And then he only has to torture, what, 10 million people into voting for him?
Why he probably won’t win: The Constitution has amendments for what happens when a president dies, and he’s not really technically alive.
4. MITCH DANIELS
Why he could win: We just had to look down three posts to remember what his name is. So he’s not that objectionable.
Why he probably won’t win: Lazy ass has been in office for six years and still hasn’t killed a single Osama bin Laden.
5. PLANNED PARENTHOOD
Why they could win: Many states allow voters to switch parties or vote in another party’s primary, and Planned Parenthood becoming their presidential candidate would be the funniest thing ever to happen to the Republican Party, so people would totally do it.
Why they probably won’t win: Running mate ACORN would help black people vote fifteen times each so Obama wins in a landslide.
6. AN AMERICAN FLAG
Why it could win: What are Teabaggers gonna do, vote AGAINST the American flag?
Why it probably won’t win: Hmm, it’s not wearing a flag pin on its lapel. Must hate America.
7. MARK FOLEY
Why he could win: America loves a comeback!
Why he probably won’t win: Too butch.
8. A FRIED PORK TENDERLOIN SANDWICH
Why it could win: Iowans love these huge, fatty things, and winning the first state gives a candidate a lot of momentum.
Why it probably won’t win: Doesn’t seem to be taking a position on ethanol.
9. GOD
Why He could win: Considering the winning Republican candidate always thanks God for His endorsement in his victory speech, this Guy is the ultimate king-maker and advisor. Seems like He has a weird sense for things.
Why He probably won’t win: As much as God hates Obamacare, the antichrist’s approval ratings seem to be doing pretty well these past two weeks after killing bin Laden.
10. SARAH PALIN
Why she could win: A scenario: Every other human being on Earth makes an obvious, very logical choice that somehow results in all their deaths.
Why she probably won’t win: There’d be plenty of plant life around more in that scenario that would be more likable in an election matchup.
Stay tuned next Friday for updated rankings.
{ 312 comments }
Ick, Sarah Palin! With Sarah, do you get the feeling that in high school she was voted Least Likely to Write a Book and Most Likely to Burn One?
She was voted "Sarahcuda" in High School.
And it wasn't a compliment.
~
If, by "burn one", you mean rip off a loud, foul smelling fart at an inappropriate moment, then yes.
That's ok. Her daughters were voted "Most Likely to Be Found Unconscious in an Army Barracks on Payday."
Those chin tucks don't pay for themselves, you know.
The chin tuck worked! Now she looks less like the Elephant Man and more like the Elephant Woman. Baby steps!
I'm sure Sarah and the girls think of themselves as the Alaska Kardashians.
Obama's daughters were voted "Most Likely to Be Found Unconscious in an Army Barracks on Payday."
Hey, that *is* funny!
At least you'd get a slightly more well crafted foreign policy from the FRIED PORK TENDERLOIN SANDWICH, and certainly a more "appetizing" candidate to boot! :)
FRIED PORK TENDERLOIN SANDWICH, and CHEAP WHISKEY would be an unbeatable team. Fills you up, fills you out, and deadens you to the havoc they could wreak upon this nation.
She was voted most likely to be confused by the mechanics of a jelly dooughnut.
OBAMA HAS BOOSE PARTY'S EVERY OTHER DAY AT THE WHITE HOUSE, GIVEING EVERY-ONE $150 STEAKS (IMPORTED) TO EAT
Is that going to help him win, or lose? So hard to tell
SPEACH CLEARLY RUSTEY CAMPORS
This thread is now about Obama conspiracy copypasta
HAHA FINALLY OBAMA DROPPED THE BALL WITH HIS FAKE BIRTH CERTIFOCATE! EXPERTS NOTISED THE FORGERY IN HOURS! IT WAS PHOTOCOPID FROM A BOOK AND THE EDGES WERE WRONG! ALSO THE INSANE PC BULLSHIT OF THE LEFT CAME TO PLAT WHEN THEY WROTE IN "AFRICAN AMERICNA" AS OBAMAS RACE WHEN ACTUALY BACK THEN "NEGRO"W AS USED!! YOU GOT SCREWED TBY YOUR OWN RIDCULOUS FARLEFT CRAZINESS!! NOW OBAMAS REIN ENDS IN SHAME BECAUSE FORGING A FEDERAL CERTIFICATE IS A FEDERAL OFFENSE AND A IMPECHEABLE OFFENSE! PRISON TIME IS A FACT! EVERY DEMOCRAT LAW SIGNED BY OBAAM WILL BE CANCELDD! I WONDER HOW MANY DEMOCRAT THUGS WILL GO TO PRISON WITH YOUR CRIMINAL FAKE KENYAN PRESIDENT!! AND YOU MUST BE DESPERATE BECAUSE YOU TRIED TO PULL A FAKE OSAMA TRICK! THE BODY DISAPPEARED? HAHA FAKE! WHO WAS THE GUY YOU SHOT? SOME RANDOM ARAB ASSHOLE YOU PULLED FROM THE STRETS OF PAKISTAN? THE WORST FAKE BODY IN HISTORY!! FAKE PRESIDENT FAKE BRTH CERTIFCATE FAKE OSAMA BUT REAL REAL REAL REAL REAL PRUSECUTION AND REAL REA L REAL PRISON TIME!! YOUR GOING TO PRISON WITH FAKE OBAMA TOO! HOPE YOU ENOY GETTING BUTTFUCKED BY A HUNDRED DIFFERNT BLACK GUYS EVERY DAY!! REAL PRISON THANK YOU GOODBYE!!!!!!
SOCIALIST FAGGOT NAZI PLEASE LEAVE THE COUNTRY!
TAXES TAXES AND ALWAYS MORE TAXES IS THE OBAMA REGIM PLAN AND YOU SUPPORT IT WHICH MAKES YOU A CRMINAL!! TAXES HAVE NEVER BEN GHIGHER AND EVEN FRANCE HAS LOWER TAXES THAN WE DO!! AMERICANS HAVE BECONE SLAVES OF THE GOVERMENT AND OUR FREEDOM IS GONE!!!! OBAMA HATES FREEDOM HE HATES LAWABIDNIG GUN OWNERS HE HATES CHIRSTIANS HE HATES PRIVATE PROPERTYT!!!! OBAMA IS A RADICAL COMMUNIST DICTATOR WHO WAGING WAR AGAINST WHITE PEOPLE! HE HATES WHITES BECASUE HIS FATHER WAS A COMMUNIST MAU MAU REBEL WHICH IS MUSLIM COMMUNISM! BY THE WAT ISLAMIC SHARIA LAW SAYS THAT IF YOUER FATHER IS MUSLIM THEN THE KIDS ARE MUSLIM TOO!! OBAMA IS A MUSLIM WHICH IS A FACT! COMMUNIST MUSLIM DICATOR HELLO AMERICA!! AMERICA KNWOS THAT IF DEMOCRAT FASISTS ARE IN POWER THEN WE GET MORE TAXES UNTL WE STARVE TO DEATH!! TAXES HOMOSEXUALITY AND SHARIA LAW ARE DEMOCRAT IDEAS AND YOU CAN KEEP THEM FAGGOT!!!
- both courtesy to http://www.dailykos.com/story/2011/05/07/973878/-…
Good lord, what was that all about? My eyeballs hurt.
Transcript from some wingnut radio show, I think.
Thank you for saying what we've all been thinking! 10000000 John Galts to you, good sir or madame.
John who? Whoddat?
I had prusecution on a sandwich the other day.
Presecution? I'm pretty sure they make a cream for that, but it burns your anus like mad.
REAL PRUSECUTION TOO FROM ITALY NOT THE FAKE KIND FROM IOWA
sweet holy jeebus, you'd think I'd have the good sense NOt to be drinking RED wine while reading this…at least white wine wouldn't make my monitor UNREADABLE after spewing it thru my nose!
On a sammich? I thought it was the Italian version of champagne.
No–it's like prosciutto, but Spanish I guess.. or something
He's prusecution, prusecution, prusecution Smith…!
That is way too much shit to snark on…….I…..Gonna……explode!!!!!!!
(BANG)
Is this an example of the Left Wing Hate Rhetoric that I've heard so much about? I don't think this is civility that I can believe in.
Uncle Luke!!!
I have a feeling that this person was at the DMV with me this afternoon.
"COMMUNIST MUSLIM DICATOR HELLO AMERICA!! "
Isn't that the name of the new Fox morning show?
Or some sort of Japanese doll?
In a perfect world, the internet would append a person's IQ to all of his posts. And then we could filter accordingly.
The Internet: Water finds its own level and so can you!
Mine's in the tool chest.
That explains why I have to take a deep breath before diving into the BrightFart site.
YOUR HEAD A SPLODE
Uncle Frank? You got your computer working again?
"HOPE YOU ENOY GETTING BUTTFUCKED BY A HUNDRED DIFFERNT BLACK GUYS EVERY DAY!!"
I'm confused. Is that supposed to be a scare tactic or a selling point?
he reports. you decide.
seriously though, it seems like a lot of the hate mail they get at Daily Kos talks of black male on white male sex. sometimes rapey, sometimes not. not sure why they fixate on that.
Oh come on you know – you just know – that no closet can truly hold them.
yeah, i know. i always just hope there's some deeper sociological meaning. beyond mere racism and homophobia, that is.
That makes me so sad – these poor repressed homosexuals taking out their angst and rage on innocent folks just because they can't with the gender they prefer. Some big, strong, bear of a man needs to take them in his arms…hmm…huh? What was I saying? Excuse me for a moment.
I'm gonna go with they fixate on black male on white male sex on account of the hot black cock. But it's only a theory.
You've been poking around in Glenn Beck's medicine cabinet, haven't you.
well, the fake kenyan part is true.
If you think some rigged debate organzed by stalinist Obama yes-men will sink Dr. Paul you are wrong, it you who is sinking BLUB BLUB! 1. Right to carry a gub 2. Right to freedom from govermengt spying (including internet) 3. No taxes! 4. Bring the troops home and no more invasions! 5. End subsidys for farms and business 6. Dimsantle the military-industrial complex 7. Force federal agents to actually follow fedearl laws 8. Abortion canceled 9. Health care to be decided by individuals and not bureucrats! 10. Rule by The Constitution and not the corrupt/fascist federal goverment!
Apt natural. I am pointing a gub at you
Actually, Poppa Doc Paul would bring the troops back from the Middle East and put them in Panama. In fairness though, I really never trusted the Panamanians after John McCain.
Ron Paul will be rejected by even crazier Republicans.
everybody in this thread gets +1 internets before last Thursday
Please tell us you made this up. Pretty please?
That is some fine conservatard trolling there.
I wonder if maybe these mental handicaps ever think that President Obama hates white people because of the sheer amount of blatant racism and general stupidity of the teatard crowd. But that would take self-awareness and honesty, two traits I have yet to see the sick joke that movement conservatism has become demonstrate yet.
From my local fishwrap today:
Woe is me says:
May 14, 2011 at 10:52 am
This Manager is an Idiot What Change de ye Tax Slaves Want! To Change [redacted] into a City Inc. The Corruption in the CO. is Bad Enough.The PRCA Rodeo WAS Cancled and that was Enough for Me The 4th of july in Dec was this the land of OZ or what?
NV is Rural and Mining,Farming,Ranching. Though the Well Water is not That Great we Have a lot of Water Do not let thses screw balls Fool You.
We do not need Inc.or more Lights Looks Like The Corruption Continues On and Mike and Linda Darby are Stuck inn The Middle The Prison is a Joke (Future FEMA CAMP)MEDICADE WELL HARRY REID CAN EXPLAIN THAT ONE!” LIED HIS WAY BACK IN FOR A TAX FUNDED PAY CHECK LOBBY KICK BACK STYLE, AND” BHO THE PRES GIVE ME A BREAK.
USAMA NOT OSAMA THAT THE LIBERAL IDIOTS KEEP CALLING HIM IS & HAS BEEN DEAD SINCE 2001 ALL DOG AND PONY SHOW AND THE LIE KEEPS CHANGING ON EX ORDER AFTER ORDER.
THIS IS What IS WRONG WITH POLITICS ABSOLUTE POWER CORRUPTS EVERY TIME!
I have no clue what they are trying to get at, but that is the problem when some clown sputters in impotent rage.
The wingnut mentions that our water isn't all that great, but he neglects to mention the reason being tritium from the Test Site has entered the aquifer. That should be a clue.
Gosharootie. I currently live in what I consider to be pretty reddish California; yet reading this excerpt makes me think I must live in Heaven. At least my local shit-for-brains are intelligible.
Is there some rule which forbids tea partisans to spell right?
Like it or not, one of these chumps will get the nom., and then millions (millions!) of people will vote for them in the general.
No matter who wins, we all lose.
This is true, but – and holy hell I'm actually saying this! – none of the candidates outside Huckabee have the charisma of, say, John McCain. In a time of crisis, will Americans vote for a candidate whose favorite color is beige?
Judging by the shitty decor in homes on the local real estate channel, most Americans also apparently count beige as their favorite color. So, sadly, yes.
Yes, but where does bag of hammers and box of rocks come in?
Waiting in the wings. Hopeful for a Veep pick.
Uh, no the top choice for the number two slot is Luther "Bag" O'Dicks.
Yeah, we all have our family…
i'm holding out for a pile of oily rags.
Bundle of sticks?
i see what you did there. lol.
Even I didn't see what I did there until after I had hit the Submit button.
Mark Foley "loves a comeback" or loves cum on his back? Or both?
All of them, Katie.
Yay for Santorum! That's the true love of the GOP.
Think of how being a half-term President would enhance Sarah Palin's reality show schtick!
It's Reagan in a walk (or a kind of zombie stagger), unless somebody can produce his long form death certificate.
You guys just wait, the GOP is about to unleash their power ticket of Giant Douche/Turd Sandwich 2012!
I have it on good authority that Turd is demanding top billing, its not clear they can close the deal.
America waits . . .
The dead, the undead, the nearly dead, the murderers, the traife. The pederast looks pretty good about now.
Yea, God is totally not a lock for the GOP nod, because He will fail to look at the poll numbers before rapturing everyone up next Saturday.
Doesn't God hate America anyway, because of The Gays? I mean, that's why He sent 9/11. He's going to need extra flag pins.
Go, Rapture. Please. Even if we eventually end up in Hell, at least we might get a few years free of these mothafucken snakes.
You have to ask, which god? The Religious Right actually wants Satan (but lightly disguised as Jesus) because he promises them all the kingdoms of the world. The Father of Jesus laughs them to scorn.
Osama bin Laden had a chance as well. Think about it — he's an isolationist with ties to the Saudi royal family, enjoys the death of innocents, convinces others to do his dirty work for him, hates education, is into polygamy, thinks nothing of violating international law, micromanages his organization and thinks he's a genius. No wonder Obama capped his ass.
Hates the womez and gays, don't even start on the non-believers.
He's no pussy footer, that's fer damn sure!
OBL! USA! OBL!1 USA1 OBL! Yes he's not xtian, but he is fundie! He'll bring back dignity to the white house! OBL-PALIN 2012!1!!!!!
PALIN AROUND WITH TERRORIST.
Why didn't Obama send SEAL Team 6 to dubya, instead of calling him, then?
Some of the weeds in my garden seem pretty right wing so Sarah still would have a chance.
Those Henbits are the absolute worst. Fascist (Fasist?) right down to their roots.
This article is so much more intelligent than anything on CNN or Fox News right now (or ever).
Spiro Agnew should be added to the list…he's got it all –
Corrupt, bigoted and dumb.
The fact that he's kinda old and kinda dead shouldn't be anymore of a handicap to him than it is to Reagan, God or Chaney, right?
I asked my father, an elderly Marylander, how Spiro Agnew was elected governor od this State especially back in those days. Dad said: "A bunch of God damn Democrats all wanted to run, all refused to back down, tore each other to bloody bits, and we all woke up after the damn election Agnew was the new governor. There's a lesson in that."
I am an elderly former Marylander, and can tell you that Spuro was actually a moderate, Rockefeller-type Republican until he sold his soul to the Devil to get onto the ticket with Tricky Dick, and then jumped into the cesspool with Pat Buchanan, who actually wrote all those clever, Spuro-sayings like "nattering nabobs of negativism", three words (I'll give him the "of") that Spermo had probably never heard of until Pat introduced him to the English language, including teaching him how to say "Bal-ti-more" rather than "Bal-mer". One thing he did learn from Maryland Dems was corruption. Spermo's Dem successor as governor, Marvin Mandel, also had his troubles with the legal system. Governors before those two apparently had more smarts.
Marvin Mandel's mail fraud and racketeering, later overturned, seem quaint by more recent standards across the country.
Aw, I forgot it got overturned. And here I thought I had a high school diploma signed by a convicted felon!
Actually, as an old, dumb Marylander I can testify that Agnew ran against a Baltimore (Balmer, if you are from MD) paving contractor named George P Mahoney. Mahoney took over the Democratic party with his (slightly stealth) anti-black slogan: "You're home is your castle," i.e. don't let those darkies in your neighborhood. Compared with Mahoney Agnew looked like a decent moderate. All MD politics is corrupt but the corruption usually dies with each politician. Agnew carried it to the next level. Hell, I voted for Agnew, and my family has tied me to a post and whipped me every election day since then.
Initiate Operation: Counter-Fist.
11. THE TALL GLASS OF VODKA I'M GOING TO POUR WHEN I FINALLY GET HOME IN AN HOUR OR SO.
Why it could win: It's a tall glass of vodka, for godssake! Who doesn't like that? It's got such dignity sitting there on my shitty endtable. Stout, noble, a little sweaty.
Why it probably won't win: Imma drink it.
That was so fabulously odd and I snorted with the laughter, in spite of the fact that I just got home from the dentist and they had screwed up my appointment, so I have to wait another month before I can have the fun root canal done and I am flying to Chicago on Tuesday and I hope the pressure in the cabin doesn't make my tooth go all crazy. If it does though I am prepared because I told them that they needed to give me some codeine for the pain , which I don't have , but in case I do….I got a prescription for 16 of those bad boys. Sorry, just needed to vent.
Fine, but don't knock the cockpit's door asking for the codeine.
I have the prescription all good to go.
A Limey with dental problems. Go figure.
Good luck, Lizzie, and save a codeine or 6 for Mr Clinch!
Will do Clinch, my teeth are actually very good, especially for a Brit, just the one root canal needed, no weird overbite or yellowing stumps.
I rode an unpressurized C-123 from Nha Trang to Ban Me Thuot just as a root canal was announcing it needed to be done. I could have levitated without the airplane. Take lots of drugs if you have to make that flight.
You had us at "take lots of drugs."
Make sure you don't have a hidden cracked tooth (maybe see an endodontist) before you get the root canal.
From somebody who had a root canal in Singapore, followed by an on-shore root canal to "clean up the poorly done off-shore root canal", before the endodontist finally discovered the crack (around a month after it started to hurt).
And I hope your scrip is for serious codeine, 'cause vicodin didn't do shit for me.
Think codeine is a good running mate for tall glass of vodka?
It's got my vote.
Imma let you finish it, but first I just gotta say that Imma needin' it more than you, so …oops ….. it's gone…..sorry bout that.
so. very. good.
12. THE PROVERBIAL HAM SANDWICH.
Why it could win: It’s eminently more palatable than the current crop of GOP hopefuls.
Why it probably won’t win: GOP constituents are too stupid to realize this.
Won't get the Jewish vote, either.
Or the Muslin vote.
Chris Christie will eat it first.
TROUBLEDOG:
Why he could win: He speaks fluent Republican batshit craziness.
Why he probably won't win: He speaks fluent Republican batshit craziness.
Seriously. I'm an angry person. So angry I've broken blood vessels in my eye because of the rage…but that dude turned his crazy up to an eleven.
Speaking of God, when is the Supreme One going to throw his/her/its hat in the ring, what with all this talk from the GOP about God is on their side and a certain half-term governor asked for God's help in building a pipeline. Come on, God, get in there and show us how it's done.
The Supreme Being? He’s not interested. Look how he spends his time: 43 species of Parrot! Nipples for men! Slugs! He created Slugs!
In our household, Republicans are known as Slugs.
Every cat and baby that we have owned has eaten a slug. Just once.
TRUCK NUTZ™
Why they could win: Ballsy can-do attitude. Admired by people who use the term 'can-do', which is many. Charismatic–can 'handily' claim both the Southern male and Teabagger vote.
Why they probably won’t win: Offensive to many female voters. Possibly made in China/controversy over birthplace. May need to produce Nutz™ Certificate.
I totally saw some truck nutz yesterday. They were all saggy and discolored. Nice to see they're marketing new varieties.
11. RICHARD NIXON
Why he could win: Henry "HypnoToad" Kissinger is ready for a reunion.
Why he probably won't win: Unrepentant pinko China-loving tree-hugger.
And don't forget, that socialist commie Nixon created the job – killing EPA. No chance.
He probably won't win: nobody uses cassette players anymore.
Ol' Tricky Dick stands well to the left of every Democratic president who succeeded him. Can you imagine Obama suggesting mandatory wage and price controls?
When Richard Nixon would be considered a "RINO", you know the GOP went full retard.
Richard Nixon was way too left-wing for the current Giant Octopus Party.
Ha ha, I'm watching Ron Paul on Tweetie's show right now, advocating legalization of heroin. He's got the stoner demographic nailed, if they can find their way to the polls or remember where they put their absentee ballots. And now he's going on to say property owners have the right to exclude Blacks from their businesses. How can he lose?
The stoners couldn't even make it to polls in California last year for the pot legalization vote.
Reagan is getting really ratty and looks pretty skimpy in the football uniform they dressed him up in
Jack, yer photo of Ronnie doesn't fit this text. In fact the little beardly goatee he was sporting at the end is rather stylish. The Rethugs should not be too quick to toss the re-animation gambit. But hey, does it matter with the world ending in 8 daze?
Reanimation is totally the wrong way to go. Why bother with science when you can just set up a few candles and use Cheney as a neither-living-nor-dead medium to draw the Gipper's dark energy from the beyond?
Side effects of Reagan possession may include cravings for ketchup, inexplicable urges to knock over small island republics, and economics trickling down your pantlag,
But you gotta admit that, in death St. Ronnie looks a lot like Vladimir Ulianov. Since the real Vladimir has been well tended since his death in 1924 maybe he could run for the Republicans. He always was a nice person who took in stray dogs and children and he looks and acts the part of a Republican candidate.
Herbert Hoover
Why he could win: The name, since the wingnuts want to toss the New Deal.
Why he probably won't win: The same, since too many voters have cursed at a malfunctioning Hoover vacuum.
A Hoover doesn't belong on this list because it doesn't suck enough.
Prediction. If the May 21st prophesy turns out to be true, Huckabee is a shoo in.
No, that fat fuck will be stuck here with a lot of explaining to do. I'm telling you the only Christians who are getting raptured are the Amish.
I'm holding out for a Bachmann/Geller ticket. They're interchangeable, almost identical and completely certifiable. That spells WIN in the most Sheenian sense possible.
Pat has much more sex appeal.
Nixon, or Buchanan?
That would be a dead heat; and I do mean dead!
Uri Geller of spoon bending fame?
Bachmann – Geller Overdrive?
Taking care of Islam.
& by taking care of, I mean, burning down mosques.
Where the hell is Donnie TurdRump? Between his stellar dick-tective work on President's Obama's birf certificate and his superior financial acumen, he and his Kate Gosselin forward facing seagull qwaft will end all terrorism while letting banks regulate themselves, cause they know better. Plus he's got Trump1, his own aeroplane which is better than Air Force 1, because Donnie spec'ed it.
Donnie's financial acumen is a bit questionable. Not only because he contrived to lose money with a casino, but because "his" projects are so bogus: http://www.nytimes.com/2011/05/13/nyregion/feelin…
It will be some candidate they pitch in at the very last minute, as that strategy worked so well the last time…
Is it cocktail hour yet? I need a drink after reading all this.
The good news is that his butt head son isn't running.
I'm going with Chris Christie for the nom-nom-nom.
Maybe Jack'll cover that prospect in next week's update. Hope he's ready 'cause, just looking at the guy, there's much to be covered.
Why he won't win: Will eat Iowa.
He's definitely the biggest thing the Republicans have going right now.
As I'm from NJ I'm hoping the Republicans run Christie.
1. It won't be a run but a belabored, wheezing short amble.
2. He'll challenge the Bulls to a game of hoops and someone will get confused by his shape and dribble him.
3. After his Presidential campaign crash and burn. he will never get reelected to Governor in 2013.
Plus, it will keep him away from us in NJ for a year. Sorry, rest of the country!
Miss Lindsay "Ham Biscuits" Graham doesn't make the cut? Jon Kyl? Tom Coburn? He knows how to get things done. He could just bribe all of out enemies to shut up and go away.
Chuck Grassley! The Presidential Twitter feed would be a thing of beauty.
13. Kurt Cobain and/or Jimi Hendrix
Why he could win: Perennial favorite of disaffected voters since middle school class presidencies, hoping for big new voter draw from pot legalization ballot initiatives.
Why he probably won't win: Fuckers never agree on which one they're going to write in.
it'll never work: Hendrix is Obama's real father.
140. Twitter
Why it could win: You don't need 140 characters to say "FREEDOM, NOOBAMACARE"
Why it probably won't win: T
Tracy Flick:
Why she could win: She'll basically take out the competition with an Uzi.
Why she probably won't win: She was a fictional character played by the lovely Reese Witherspoon, who supported health care reform.
Her pussy gets SO wet.
True story: the favourite movie of former Tennessee governor, Phil Bredesen, is Legally Blonde 2: Red, White, & Blonde.
Lenin's head looks cut&pasted over there, but it's just wrapped in plastic and filled with glycerol and vodka. So Sovietish, so.
Ron Paul? RON?
Shoot – I thought it was Rue Paul!
# RON PAUL NEEDZ MOAR WORK IT BABY
RuPaul's charisma, uniqueness, nerve, and talent are far too much for the Reeps
Therefore:
RuPaul 2016!
Why he can win: because she looks fabulous!
Why he probably won't win: voters are too busy fapping to go vote.
My bad! "Rue" Paul is a street in New Orleans…
Have we already discounted the Gian Shariah Muslim Robot that controls Weeping Boehner? I don't think we should sit idly by.
Haha, what I mean is, we should sit drunkenly by. And laugh and laugh.
If Hermann Can't is a pizza expert, I'm drinking virgin martini's tonite.
But don't believe anything about the 72 virgin martinis.
i will be voting for the blimp.
and the lizard people.
I know most of you kids are too young to know this, but Reagan's (reluctant and belated) support of the Afghan mujahedin had NOTHING to do with the Taliban. The Taliban took over Afghanistan in the mid-90s, and the people they defeated were ALSO former mujahedin who had fought the Soviets. The Taliban had a gigantic shitload of inexperienced troops from Pakistani madrassas, which were created, formed and funded by Saudi Arabia, and nobody else. The CIA gave money and arms to the Pakistani ISI in the '80s, some of which was funneled to some future Al Qaeda mujahedin, but the direct U.S. contact was with the "good guys" who led the Northern Alliance in 2001.
So, to sum up, Osama bin Laden, the Taliban, and al Qaeda can be blamed about 95 percent on Saudi Arabia, and no one else.
Reagan's useless, stupid plan was to fund the Contras in Nicaragua. He didn't really give a crap about Afghanistan, but jumped on the bandwagon after Congressional Democrats supplied the insurgency and it started winning.
Except, guess who was giving Saudi Arabia all that money they used? Yup, all of us who used petroleoum products way back then.
thank you for this. being over 35 meself, i've wanted to mention this many times.
but it seems like a lot of work and i am often drunk.
also, i have a bit of a crush on Ahmad Shah Massoud and am very sorry that in the flag waving crap that has been america since 9/11 we have forgotten (if we ever knew) that he was assassinated by al qaeda on 9/9.
You know, Wonkette, I think you're on to something.
I really think the GOP could field Stalin's corpse and win big!
He's murdered millions of people, starved millions of poor people (always popular with the Republican base), deported millions and sent millions to Russian FEMA Death Camps.
He's mean enough for a Republican, he's brain dead enough and gosh darn it, after millions and millions of dollars of Kochsucker money is spent on TV ads blaming all our nation's problems on liberals, immigrants, brown people, gypsies, tramps and thieves–Republicans will not only learn to LIKE him, they'll fight each other tooth and nail to vote for 'em…
He also knows it's more important to be the one counting the votes.
I don't know about the GOP presidential candidate, but I know who's getting the VP nod:
xxxxxxx/Bolton '12
Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Michael Bolton has the VP look about him, so yeah, good choice.
Can SARA BENINCASA win?
Sara Benincasa can win anything.
She's a damn sight hotter than the whole Republican field put together. Does that count?
She is winning right now!
You're right. She's winning…OUR HEARTS! (And other bits.)
Why she could win: Has talking points down (via impression of Palin and Bachmann). Tons of charisma. Nice boobies.
Why she probably won’t win: Not eligible constitutionally because of age. Also not eligible as a Republican because she's not a moron.
♪♫ bom-chicka WAH-WAHHH ♪♫
Also in addition to: can't shake hands with Kochsucker donors without getting orange cheeto stain on them.
27. RICHARD NIXON
Why he could win: White. Corrupt. Immoral. Devious.
Why he probably wont win:Decreased defense spending. Oversaw school integration. Supported the creation of state parks. Increased the buying power of those on social security. In short: Republicans will never allow such a Liberal President into the White House again.
and also, similarly,
28. Ike
29. George HW Bush
i have a crappy, Chinese-made wall clock with a scene of women crying at the foot of the cross Jesus is nailed to. i'm helping it start an exploratory committee.
My parents have this kitchy 70s painting of a 200 foot Jesus knocking on the windows of the UN building. Might be a tight race.
i might concede early: your painting makes my clock look like T-PAW.
Hold out for a cabinet position!
200-foot Jebus for preznit!!! Slam dunk!
It doesn't have Chairman Mao in glory?
30. JOHN ENSIGN
Why he could win: White. Nice hair. Less baggage than everybody else. Hetero. Supportive wife. In 2009, Senator Ensign was named one of the 15 Most Corrupt Members of Congress by Citizens for Responsibility and Ethics in Washington.
Why he probably won't win: No flag pin. Looks a little gay. Doesn't have a special needs child. Less baggage than everybody else.
14. Jeff Dahmer
Why He Could Win: More Coherent, Consistent Philosophy Than Other Contenders. Less Wishy Washy. Sticks To His Core Beliefs.
Why He Probably Won't: Not Icky Enough to Attract Republican Voters. Does Not Have A Proven History of Hating Blacks and Mexicans.
He does, however, have a proven history of eating blacks.
Digestion is the sincerest form of fattery.
Cheney doesn't want the job, but if you need someone to take charge of the candidate selection committee he might be able to free up some time.
33. JESUS CHRIST
Why he could win: Excellent name recognition. Has the God-talk down to a T. Good public speaker. Friend of Israel.
Why He Probably Won't: Favors wealth redistribution and free healthcare, and no birth certificate. Also, a Jew.
A few other positives. His daddy has connections and omniscience. He's into the whole torture thing — he could stick the flag pins directly into his skull and wrists. Has commonsense constitutional conservative values.
On the flip side, no readily available prop family. Wrote some cop killa' poetry in college.
Also a negative: Dark-skinned.
a collection of accidental governors who were made obsolete by the dawn of the beeper, a pizza expert, and two genial but off-putting Mormon men …..
while I mostly disagree with South Carolinan GOPs, I can empathize them in choosing Herman Cain as their favorite
34. Christine O'Donnell
Why she could win: Totally not a witch. Has campaign finance down to a science. Skank with good teeth.
Why She Probably Won't: Eeew, pubes.
34. BRUCE DICKINSON
Why he could win: He makes gold records, putting on his pants one leg at a time while everyone else is wearing diapers.
Why he probably won't: Republicans can't keep their pants on.
35. The Great and Terrible Wizard of OZ
Why he could win: Imposing, Authoritarian Aristocrat. Looks great on TV. Speeches mostly bellowing punctuated by flame. Republicans trained to ignore The Man Behind the Curtain .
Why he probably won’t win: The NRCC refused to secure distribution rights from Estate of L. Frank Baum, MGM or whoever. Lawsuit hits after the Wizard sweeps the Primaries – forced to drop out & become a morning commentator on “Fox N’ Friends”.
Wicked.
WIN!
It also goes well with vodka. Makes for a well-rounded meal. Or well-rounded heels, at any rate.
Oh, this is awesome…
Gingrich promises to slash taxes, calls Obama ‘food stamp president’
His speech pretty much uses all the requisite conservative talking points:
-insistence that, despite the fact that corporations and wealthy individuals have no shortage of money right now, the problem with the economy is that corporations and the wealthy won't start businesses and/or produce more products because they lack enough money;
-demand for less regulation of businesses within 3 years of two of the worst disasters ever attributed to deregulation: the 2008 financial meltdown and the 2010 oil spill;
-vague, xenophobic-sounding foreign policy objectives;
-racist-sounding description of African-American president with term "food stamp".
Central to that promise, he said, would be eliminating the capital gains and death taxes and reducing the corporate income tax from 35 percent to 12.5 percent. Those tax cuts, as well as freezing the personal income tax rates at their current Bush-era levels, is critical to creating jobs and spurring innovation.
1) The WaPo called it the "death tax", indicating that Republican newspeak has somehow permeated journalism. Oh wait, it's the WaPo, which is to journalism as Doctor Oz is to the hippocratic oath.
2) Tax cuts. Never, ever, even once, proven to create jobs. Also, how does cutting federal income help the deficit?
Same old 'refudiated' bullshit spouted by a man with the charisma of that toilet rat.
People seem to genuinely believe that it is the dead person who pays the tax (as metaphysically impossible as that is), and not the people who are inheriting money which they only "earned" by outliving a wealthy relative.
I have known toilet rats, and Newtie doesn't have anywhere near the same charisma and dignity posessed by one. He would have to evolve considerably.
Don't forget LOLRATS!
The WaPo corrected 'death' to 'estate'. Maybe the five-year-olds the WaPo is forced to hire these days don't know that 'death tax' is a right-wing invention.
Yeah, remember all those jobs the Bush tax cuts created during the previous administration?
“President Obama is the most successful food stamp president in American history,” Gingrich said. “I would like to be the most successful paycheck president in American history.
”Tom Perdue, a veteran GOP operative in the state, predicted Georgians would support Gingrich “mostly because it’s a poor cow who doesn’t kick her own calf. It’s an old farm saying. Even if the calf has a deformity, the mama cow keeps care of her calf.”
???!!1!!!??!1!!??!
Translation: They know he's a colossal dipshit, but Newt showed up and surprised them at home one night and it felt too awkward to tell him "no."
So, is Tom Perdue, veteran GOP operative, one to whom we should say "Keep fucking that chicken?" Or Newt, or cow?
Two additional talking points I didn't squeeze in originally:
-assertion that every policy that isn't geared toward reducing the government's economic power is instantly equal to a "European centralized bureaucratic socialist welfare system";
-inexplicable belief that government has no right to intervene in the economy, but an absolute right to intervene in personal morality and religious faith.
i had a late night tonight, i have an early day tomorrow and i am sadly unable to find any humor in this crap.
this giant douche doughboy derserves a giant fuck you.
Take heart in the fact that this odious scrote has no chance of being elected.
There has to be a site called "Gingrich Facts" out there, somewhere – something where people can cut and paste every single stupid fucking thing this man has ever said in his political career. The task would be just too immense for one journalist.
Fucking Newt fuckin' Gingrich. Proving once again, some folks are aptly named.
Also, I thought as a society we decided we were done with that bloated flour-sack. That was a good decision people. Let's not fuck up our collective "Win" column by paying attention to this knob again.
36. Vlad the Impaler
Why he could win: Strong on crime. Fiscal conservative. Hawkish foreign policy, especially against Muslims. Protectionist trade measures against furriners.
Why he probably won't win: Slightly dead. Possibly for universal health care.
Also, I really doubt the religious right would go for an Orthodox church member.
Toby Keith and Ted (Teenie Weenie) Nugent. They have the 2nd Amendment, the Anti-Soap and Moron Vote sewn up; so, they've got that going for them, which is nice.
Tommy
The issue with Ted is fucking guns. He's never served in the military (nor have I) or in law enforcement (that's me). Everytime I see this fuckstick parading around Waco, he plays his guitar, sings a song, and shoots a gun.
This guy has more penis envy problems than the poor man who is on Fox with bad hair: O'Reilly is his name I recall.
These supposed leaders opposite of our Constitution have never served their country (thank you TTommy) or their community.
I am not part of the lock and load croud. It's about being responsible. When will the stupidness end? It won't.
They serve themselves well, though; without fail.
The official Republican candidates: John Davis, Newt Gingrich, Gary E. Johnson, Fred Karger, Andy Martin, Jimmy McMillan, Ron Paul and Jonathon Sharkey who has also run as the candidate for the Vampires, Witches, and Pagans Party; you really can't make this stuff up…
If Jonathon is still promising to impale all the members of the Bush administration, I'd consider voting for him!
Fuckwad McDownfist has been through again, gobbling p-ness.
Fixed.
I noticed that. Have been trying to upright this, but some of you are into negative p.
What no Jindal? He's sure to get the anchor baby vote, though.
It'd interfere with his schedule filming "30 Rock."
i just watched the entire tina fey / amy poehler / sarah palin oeuvre .
2012 better match that shit.
Totally OT, but last night a local television station here revealed their next investigative piece titled "The Dirty on Bath Salts" about folks abusing bath salts to get high because some crazy local state senator (Republican, of course) sees this as some kind of epidemic (anecdotally, of course).
Man, sometimes, I want to give up on this country.
Forget Republicans and racism – fucking "sweeps months" are what's really ruining this country.
I guess it's time for some more hard-hitting journalism on what really happens at strip clubs …
Did your local news do what mine did with this story (AND the recent hallucinogen- brownies-found-in-the-minimart-story)? They promo it all weekend, telling us they're going to save our children from a certain death which will be revealed … on Monday. So tune in, Morans.
Si. They have a clip of the state senator flailing his hands wildly and talking about the kind of "creatures" the people see when their on the bath salts. Ugh.
It's almost as hilarious as the time rural sheriffs were panicking parents by insisting that teenagers were literally using their own shit to get high
(My favorite part is the slang terms at the bottom, including "Butthash" and "Leroy Jenkems")
Leroy Jenkins the preacher?Well that makes sense.
Does he own a bath salts company? I'd think this'd make sales go high!
It's local news. That's all you need to know.
Grammatical nitpicking re. Palin' chances: if *every other* human being dies, that leaves half of the human race alive, a scenario unlikely to help her, especially given the 50/50 risk that she may be among the deceased.
So, what your saying is that Sarah Palin individually kills every other single human being on earth from her helicopter? Makes about as much sense as anything else I've heard, lately.
11. BACON
Why it could win: It is tasty. It is universally deemed tasty by Real Americans™. Also, like Real Americans™, it hates the Muslins and the Joos. It has a salty wit, and like your average American, it is dripping with fat. Mmmm….bacon drippins'…
Why it probably won’t win: Weren't you listening; did I stutter? It's bacon. It can not lose. Duh; winning!
12. SHARIA LAW
Why it could win: As a conservative religious code of ethics and conduct, Sharia Law should appeal to the law-and-order voters that comprise a large segment of the Real American™ electorate.
Why it probably won’t win: Directly competes with Huckabee's Southern Baptist culture, has Muslamic origins, and sounds too much like a black girl's name. Also, it has honest-to-goodness Death Panels. Also.
I for one welcome our new salty, marbled overlords.
How 'bout Sharua Law and Bacon on the same ticket? Yes, there is a bit of a theological dietary disconnect, but it would show Rethugs having some small bit of open-mindedness that they haven't had since Ike.
Bacon/Sharia 2012!
Their campaign song can be a rip-off of "My Sharona"
Make it out of lamb or beef and it'll probably be halal. We certainly have muslim ham here in Yunnan.
Winner.
That Sharia lady is nice but I am voting for Bacon. I am going to love knocking on doors with the hors d'oeuvres tray. " Look Larry, look Mo, canapés!"
I must agree. The baco-mentum is palpable, if slightly greasy. Hopefully, it will have a crisp outlook and be accompanied by a couple of pre-fetal avian ova, ova easy.
This might be the funniest thing on our Wonkette since Blood Libel Wonkbot.
Moar Wonkbot! pls thx kia.
20. MY BIG TOE
Why it could win:It's big. Carries an unfeeling callous, totally hitting the GOP sweet spot.
Why it probably won't win:More pink than lilly white. Has been dipped in swimming pools with minorities in them.
I thought Obammer was going to be the republican this time. I mean, he wasted a muslin on live closed-circuit TV. That there's Red Cred, people.
Nobody beats zombie Ronald Reagan, no one is more loved by republicans. Okay, maybe a dead fetus but you'd have a problem with the birth certificate.
Plus, term limits only apply to people who are alive.
39. CHUCK GRASSLEY'S TWITTER ACCOUNT
Why it could win:knws hw 2 talk to reel amrcns in shrt soundbts.
Why it probably won’t win: 2much of wasngtn insder; no xcutve expernce. lawnmwrs not allwd 2 vote.
The suspense is
killingboring me.Huckabee to announce 2012 plans on show.
My money is on Montgomery Burns. The fact that he is a yellow, fictional, cartoon character matters little compared to his sound stance on issues such as releasing the dogs on orphans.
Burns/Scrooge '12: There's a new Mexico?/You're fired.
"Bring me Karl Rove!"
"Karl Rove is busy, sir."
"Then bring me his non-union Mexican equivalent!"
Karlos Rovera it is, sir.
"Señor Spielbergo."
Pork tenderloin sandwhiches… what the hell???? THEY LOOK LIKE FRIED VOMIT IN A BUN.
http://web.mac.com/davydd/Site/Pork_Tenderloin_Sa…
Uncle Ho and Megs McCain. He is embalmed. Her tits are nice enough to produce starbursts in middle Americans Either is more electable than any weird Mormon.
Hey, I'm too lazy to go through 216 comments – did anyone catch Colbert's stunt at the FEC on Friday RE: Colbert SuperPac? Brilliant:
"I'm making an actual request. I want to find out whether I actually have to list Viacom and the fact that I have a show as a gift in-kind," Colbert said. "And if I don't, I can't wait to use the resources of my show."
Excellent. Thank you.
Three words: Ted Nugent
61. DEAD KENNEDYS:
Why they could win: Dead Kennedy 3 > Dead Reagan. 1. Sweep.
Plus Factor: America loves Jello.
Why they probably won’t win: Problems with the 'frisky' demographic as they are Too Drunk To Fuck.
Minus Factor: America hates Biafra, whatever the fuck that is.
How the niggers feel cold
And the slums got so much soul
One of the subtle erosions on the American soul by the right wing propaganda machine — and there have been plenty, see de-unionization — has been the stifling of rock-n-roll music as a medium for social consciousness. Everybody, dress in black.
You either shut up or get cut up, they don't wanna hear about it
It's only inches on the reel-to-reel
And the radio is in the hands of such a lot of fools
Tryin' to anaesthetise the way that you feel.
Word is that Hucklenuts has just announced he's too chickenshit to stand in the way of the prez' re-hopening.
Too bad, I was looking forward to "Fuckabee" jokes!
To mark the occasion of Huckabee declining to run in 2012, I shall binge upon anus burgers and milk shakes, then put on a brightly-striped shirt.
Charles Shaw Shiraz 2009
Cheap ($2-$3), lemony taste, blend of leftovers.
Why it won't win: Too many wine snobs think they can tell the difference…
But will it institute Shiraz Law?
"'All the factors say go, but my heart says no,' Mr. Huckabee said on his nighttime program on Fox News Channel. 'And that’s the decision that I have made.'
"As of Saturday afternoon, even some of Mr. Huckabee’s closest aides did not know what he would say. He kept them waiting as long as possible, making the announcement at the very end of his hourlong 8 p.m. program after interviewing guests including the 'Extra' host Mario Lopez and the rock musician Ted Nugent — with whom he jammed on Mr. Nugent’s old hit song 'Cat Scratch Fever.'"
http://www.nytimes.com/2011/05/15/us/politics/15h…
Looks like someone really loves being a talk show host.
And Huck sang harmony as Ted belted out "When I grab that pussy fur with a stroke of my hand, they know they're gettin' it from me!"??? Kind of makes all that pious piffle about how Rap and modern R&B are so smutty that the kids are suffering for it seem a little hypocritical. But at least it's a baseline even Huck could follow.
This is good news! I think I'll just take six more sudafed and do some thinking on all this. Okay, done.
why did I read IMF head forces maid to give head.! ? eeew gross gross gross infinity
Yuck! But I thought it was sodomy. Either way, he's toast, that motherfucker.
Yep. Maybe confused her for a hooker he'd ordered from room service.
I think Naomi Watts said it best.
Lenin looks like a big fucking sellout with that tie and starched collar.
Late scratch.
#2 MIKE "BE YOUR" HUCKABEE
Pulled due to overextended "Fox News talking points syndrome."
Not to mention the shitload of money that goes with it.
Praise Jebus and pass the Palin.
Is that a new addition to the Hall of Presidents? I love animatronix
That's from Disney's new Hall of Somnolescent-Appearing Dictators.
Up fist for you Tsu. The troll tool has nothing else to do late on a Sunday night as usual. I wonder what it eats?
oi. no huckabee pork to mock.
next thing we know, sarah and michele and bristol will bow out and we will have no fun in 2012.
Oh, I wouldn't worry. We're pretty crafty, and you just know their rabid base will force them into a race to the bottom. It might actually be more fun to watch Romney and Pawlenty try to contort themselves to meet tea-party demands.
well we lost a Huckabee but gained a Gingrich? what a pathetic field of candidates though. Just imagine the excitement awaiting in a debate with Hermann Cain, Ron Paul, and Newt Gingrich. fap fap fap indeed….
At risk of serious downfisting, given all the Woketteteriat with kitty avatars:
Since the Rethugs are just a bunch of pussies, what we have to fear is Catocalypse.
BTW, why does beloved Sara Benincasa seem to be missing these White House videos?
You know who else was really good at tank warfare?
The Chevron Corporation?
Mr Bean?
Michael Dukakis?
Deep weekend, late thread winner.
I'm here all week, folks, be sure to try the veal and tip your waitresses.
When the revolution comes, it will come clawed and demanding Whisker Lickins'.
Of course, things will get terribly sidetracked when a bird flies outside the window & The Revolution ends up lying in a patch of sun on the living room floor, staring at dust motes.
It's May 15th. Happy National Squirrel in a Blender Day!!
Honesty Compassion Intelligence Guts
very few Republicans have it
very few Democrats have it
"Amy Myers, a high school sophomore from Cherry Hill, New Jersey, has thrown down the gauntlet, challenging the Minnesota Representative to a debate and public test on the constitution, U.S. history, and civics.
Myers says Bachmann's frequent errors, misstatements and distortions aren't just bad for civic discourse — they're bad for women."
http://blogs.citypages.com/blotter/2011/05/is_mic…
Sweet Dr Z, a big thumbs up for you and Amy.
Could Barry dump our friend from Delaware and go with Ms. Amy, or does the 35 years old get in the way?
<quote>A scenario: Every other human being on Earth makes an obvious, very logical choice that somehow results in all their deaths.</quote>
Oh God, we do this all the time. President Sarah's inevitable then.
My cat
Why she could win First striker, awake at 3:00am, preys on the weak (mice, lizards), Is a weapon of mass destruction (you should see my couch), worshiped as a god in Egypt (double bonus: charismatic, access to oil!), good at managing hoomans, makes cute poses, soft and furry, spiffy hair do
why she won't win female, pro-choice (spayed)
The last thing I ever want to feel is Joe-mentum "surging" over me.
Don't run much deeper than that when your'e AN ALL CAPS PAYTRIOT!!!
Yeah, Kardashians. They get knocked up in cars and then the boys dash
They are also Ballchinian..
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